possible trigger warning
We all grieve in our own ways. Not everyone is good at it. Not that they should be. Those who are good at it, are good at it with a heavy heart. Heavy, because they have had to work through this before. They have had to process an unimaginable pain, most of the time completely alone.
Sirius felt completely alone. Sure, he'd had family members, friends of parents, pass away time and time again, but there was always a disconnect. It was never personal. They were obnoxious, pretentious assholes, or they were nothing but a name without a face, or they were some looming, threatening stranger. This was different.
Remus was young. Remus was his friend. Remus didn't deserve to die, let alone in the way that he did. Sirius was completely lost without him. He didn't know what to do. He could barely go on. He didn't want to go on.
The rest of the year slipped by in one long blur. O.W.L.s had arrived, but Sirius hadn't even opened his study books. They sat on a shelf in the dorm, slowly collecting dust. Next to them were stacks upon stacks of homework he hadn't even bothered to look at, let alone work on.
He tried to isolate himself, to push everyone away so that they wouldn't get hurt when he inevitably couldn't go on anymore. It didn't work, though. James, Peter, and Lily wouldn't let him. It was infuriating. Couldn't they see that he just wanted to be alone?
Sirius groaned into his hands. He was currently sitting in Professor McGonagall's office as she lectured him for lacking on all of his work. It wasn't his fault, he thought. It was Remus's. He flinched. It wasn't Remus's. It was his. He had failed Remus, and he couldn't even make himself work.
"Anything you want to say, Mr. Black?"
Sirius shook his head. "I'm sorry," he muttered.
"Pardon?"
"I'm sorry," he said, slightly louder.
"It's alright," she replied, a sympathetic look on her face. "I understand how hard this year has been for you, Sirius. I wouldn't want you to have to repeat 5th year."
"I know."
"Is there any support I can offer? Either academic or personal?"
Sirius shook his head.
She sighed. "Very well. In that case, I will see you in class tomorrow."
Sirius nodded. He stood up and slowly walked out of McGonagall's office, closing the door quietly behind him. As he went, he felt her piercing eyes watching him closely. He could have sworn he heard her sigh loudly as the door swung closed.
Much to his surprise, James was outside the office, leaning against the wall, absent-mindedly tossing a snitch in the air and catching it over and over again. He glanced up at Sirius. "How'd it go?" he asked.
Sirius sighed. "I thought I said not to wait."
James shrugged. "Maybe, but I wanted to."
"Maybe you shouldn't want to."
"Sirius, I'm your best mate. Why wouldn't I want to?"
Sirius groaned, leaning his head against the wall on the opposite of the corridor. He straightened up, turning to look directly at James. "Why won't you just leave me alone?" he asked. "Isn't it obvious I don't want you guys to bother with me any more?"
James looked pained. "What would Remus say about that?"
"Goddamnit!" Sirius burst out. "This isn't about Remus! Don't fucking bring him into this!"
James shrugged again. "You know I'm right."
Sirius glared at his friend, then spun on his heel and walked away quickly. James sighed, watching him go. He knew what a bad idea it was to let Sirius isolate himself. He knew Sirius wouldn't reach out for help, no matter how badly he wanted or needed it. He knew how badly Sirius was hurting. They were all hurting. And it was almost worse that he didn't know how to help.
When James got back to their dorm, Sirius was asleep on his bed, the curtains wide open. James walked over to him, looking sadly down at him. One of Sirius's sleeves had been pushed up slightly, and there was a series of small, circular scars that James recognized instantly as cigarette burns.
"Goddamnit, Siri," he said quietly. He and Peter and Lily needed to have a meeting. As much as he wanted to, he didn't know how to help Sirius. But he did know they should keep an eye on him as much as possible. If Sirius ever tried to kill himself, he knew he would never forgive himself. The thought stung, because he knew that was how Sirius felt about Remus.
Sirius woke up later that afternoon to an empty dorm room. He groaned and stretched, not really remembering falling asleep. He stood up, pulling on his shoes and feeling in his pocket for his lighter and pack of cigarettes. He pulled on an oversized jacket and put a flask into the inside pocket.
Making sure that neither James nor Peter was following him, he left the castle and walked towards the lake. He found a quiet spot looking out over the lake and sat down. He lit a cigarette and pulled out his flask, taking a long, burning drink of tequila.
His head was so fucking loud and he couldn't make it be more quiet. His brain was screaming at him. It always screamed at him. He didn't know why, and he hated it so much. It made him want to stab a knife through his eye to try and silence it.
Nothing worked, no matter how hard he tried. The smoking and the drinking and the self harm helped a little bit, but it was never fully silenced. He would give anything for just a few minutes of peace and quiet in his own head.
He put out the cigarette on his forearm and lit up a second one. He breathed out a large puff of smoke and relished the harsh burn in the back of his throat. He knew the cigarettes were bad for him. He could feel they were bad for him. That didn't matter, though. He knew they were slowly killing him, and, god, he wished they would do it faster.
A/N:
hi :)
sorry it took me so fucking long to update, i've been very busy with school. overall i'm doing alright i think. there were several incidents that were incredibly triggering that i was involved in, but i'm getting over them. i have a group of amazing friends that are helping.
hopefully i'll be able to update semi-regularly, but i can't make any promises. i want to, though
important announcement! i currently don't have a job, though i'm looking for one. to hopefully get a little bit of money, i made a ko-fi. the link is in my profile, but it's also: /thereallas. also, i opened commissions. the link for the info is in my bio, if you're interested. if you have any questions about that, please don't hesitate to reach out!
again, i'm not sure how often i'll be able to update, so, if you're interest, my instagram is /xx_emohamlet_xx, and i'm very active on there, if you want to message me there or anything. all of you who have are so sweet and i truly appreciate all of the support i've received. i do still see all of your comments, and i appreciate them so so much.
stay safe, take care of yourselves, drink some water
ktf xolyn 3
