A/N: I've recently heard that RWBY is getting a hiatus until February 2021 after this week's episode. Bummer that this season's being separated into two parts, but I can't wait. Also been busy with Christmas lately, and I had a wonderful Christmas this year. Sadly I haven't got an XBOX Series X yet (though not quite yet), but I'm very glad and gratefully about the other gifts I've got this year. One of them took me by utter surprise when I unwrapped it. :)

Also, I would love to wish everyone a Happy New Year for 2021. Though the year of 2020 is finally over, I hope we could expect things to go back to what they usually were as vaccinations for COVID-19 are gonna be manufactured and given out eventually this year. I can't wait for more movies, games and shows to come out (hopefully that the pandemic is gonna end sooner or later) like Connected, Tom & Jerry, Space Jam: A New Legacy, Fena: Pirate Princess, MCU films, and more others that are hypeworthy.

P.S: Unfortunately at one point, I accidentally deleted the tab that I was using whilst writing my story, but I didn't write as long as compared to my last update. Also, I planned to make this on New Year's, but a developed abdominal strain made me postpone it. (I literally thought it was progressing to be appendicitis, but I was wrong. Thank goodness for it.)


In this thirty-fifth non-canon review, Ruby Rose is joined by Miria Harvent, Mika Harima and Celty Sturluson on the start of their third day for their social event, as the four of them take on the worst movie by Uwe Boll (a German low-budget schlock-maestro filmmaker known for making negatively-received movies including some based on popular video games), known as Alone in the Dark, based on the game series of the same name.

Set a few hours after the last review episode.

EDO ISLAND
SAMURAI KINGDOM
9AM

The third day of the social event has started with a morning sunrise on the horizon of Edo Island.

A few hours after team RWBY had reviewed Edge of Tomorrow earlier that night, the four of them were peacefully sleeping together on a futon in their washitsu guest room, Blake embracing Weiss and Yang embracing Ruby lovingly in their slumber.

Just then, Miria Harvent, Mika Harima and Celty Sturluson opened the shoji door to RWBY's guest room, the former saying, "Girls! Wake up!"

Suddenly the four girls had woken up once again by this.

"What's happening...", drowsily groaned Ruby.

Yang tiredly told, "Five more minutes..."

"What time is it?", Blake and Weiss ask sleepily.

Miria said, "It's only past 9 o'clock in the morning. Well, after a long night, we finally got back to sleep..."

"Tell us about it. Last night we woke up at 4:30 in the morning due to an unknown sleep disruption, so we decided to review a movie together in the hopes of helping us sleep. It was Edge of Tomorrow, and it was awesomely good. For the most part.", Ruby says, yawning, "But we've only slept for less than four more hours..."

Mika smiled, "Is that so? Yeah, I remember seeing it before... It was pretty good."

"Well, since breakfast is coming up, the three of us were thinking that you, Ruby, would like to do a review with us for the first time?", suggested Celty.

Ruby says, "Well, I love to, but...we haven't had too much sleep from last night..."

"Ah, I'm pretty sure there's nothing to worry about," Miria dismissed, "We thought that since you reviewed Rogue One last night and you girls seem to have some fascination about cinematic movies though you're still huntresses at Beacon Academy, we were wondering if Ruby here would like to review a movie before we start the day with some breakfast."

The leader of team RWBY sighs, "What movie is it this time?"

"Something called Alone in the Dark.", Celty suggests.

Yang questioned, "Alone in the Dark? Wait, so you mean the 1982 horror slasher movie, or the 2005 Uwe Boll film?"

"As a matter of fact, it's the latter.", Mika shyly unveiled.

Blake groans, "You've got to be kidding me. That guy? He's one of the worst directors we've ever heard of! Yeah, not only he's known for his Rampage action film franchise besides the 2018 video game movie with Dwayne Johnson and is said to be a schlock-maestro..."

"...but he's also known for making awful video game-based movies, including that, Postal, Far Cry and Bloodrayne! Paul W.S. Anderson can make quite better video game films than that.", Weiss prefers.

Miria says, "Maybe so."

"Alright. You can do the honors, Ruby. Me, Blake and Weiss are gonna...nap a bit longer... We'll have breakfast when you're done...", yawns Yang, as she, Blake and Weiss tiredly went back to sleep for a bit on the futon.

Ruby hesitates, "Okay then. Once we're done, we go get breakfast. Our friend Baiken might be up and ready by then.", before leaving their washitsu guest room en route to Miria, Celty and Mika's washitsu guest room.

"Where's Nice and Jacuzzi?", Ruby asked.

Miria sweetfully replied, "They're both out in the back and having another relaxing bath in the hot spring. You do realize they share another washitsu room with Rachel and Anri, right? Nice and Jacuzzi didn't have too much sleep, so at the very least, they're having fun. They really are a good couple once you get to know them."

"I can clearly see that.", the leader of team RWBY says as she, Miria, Celty and Mika reach the latter three's chosen guest room, entering as the four settle down and Ruby turning on the room's TV and activating the Netflix app.

The red-black-haired huntress then searches through the Netflix catalogue until she saw the movie Alone in the Dark, pressing it and preparing to play.

Ruby then began the review, "Hello, I'm Ruby Rose from Team RWBY, we remember it so you don't have to. Well, it's time. It appears that I'm gonna review a film so bad that any doctor would tell anyone that they might never speak again, called Alone in the Dark. What film would bring people to such a speechless state? Well, let me tell you the story of a sauerkraut director named Uwe Boll."

Ruby Rose, Miria Harvent, Mika Harima and Celty Sturluson's Commentary of Alone in the Dark (2005) (Part 1)

"He's been declared as the Ed Wood of the film world, a man who keeps constantly making horrible movie after horrible movie, and yet somehow keeps making money despite the atrocity they have brought upon.", told the silver-eyed huntress, "While he was mostly known for the Rampage action movie series besides the 2018 video game blockbuster, as well as the mediocre In The Name of the King films, he mostly made atrocious video game films like this, House of the Dead and Bloodrayne, which all turn out to be some of the worst films ever made. His gimmick is that he exercises German tax loopholes, that reward his investments into the film, even if they totally bomb. So it's like when the movie loses money, the investor got a tax write-off in return, and he's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the living man-shit out of them.", commenting, "What a class act. Because of his unfortunate popularity, my fellow friends Miria Harvent, Celty Sturluson and Mika Harima have requested me to review one of his movies. Which is why we're gonna take a look at one of his more famous films, Alone in the Dark, and we're probably gonna be paying the consequences whilst watching it. So it looks like we're going to collaborate for the first time as we review-"

"A Uwe Boll film! Man, I've always wanted to take a shot at that cinematic schlock by reviewing his work!", excites Mika, interrupting.

Celty excused, "My apologies. We both like to review movies and games, but we haven't done a Boll movie review before. We're best aware that his films were awful."

"Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you girls, but I think a film this bad would take at least three reviewers to tackle it head on, but we reached more than the criteria, so we're good.", the leader of team RWBY says and pointed out.

Miria cuts in the conversation, "That includes me! No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with my dear friends Celty and Mika."

"Well, I guess we have more than enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark, with a group in the daylight? Yet it's morning and now past sunrise, so it literally counts as daylight!", anticipates the red-black-haired girl.

The blonde delightfully pumped her fist, "Sounds great, Ruby!"

"Totally looking forward to it!", Mika giggled.

Celty said whilst still wearing her usual yellow-blue motorcycle helmet, "Whatever you say, Ruby."

"Alright. This is Alone in the Dark.", introduces Ruby.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Miria begins the film, "So, we start off with an opening text scroll explaining the background of the story.", as the four girls spectate the part in which the narrator says the opening text mentioning a Native American civilization known as the Abkani, also pointing out about worlds of light and darkness.

"The Abkani were kinda stupid that way.", Celty thought as the text in the film states that the Akbani opened a gateway between the worlds and mysteriously disappeared.

Ruby says, "They never think to look under the fridge."

"Good god, how long is this?", asks the brown-eyed blonde, she and the other three surprised by the opening text's length.

Mika and Celty look at each other and presume, "It's like Alone in the Dark: The Audio Book."

Just as the opening text seem to finish, Ruby, Miria, Mika and Celty were all shocked and disappointed to see even more opening text for the narrator to read!

"How much text is in this movie!?", exasperated Miria.

The white hat-wearing brunette says, "This isn't a bill for health care! This is supposed to be a movie!"

"Come on, let's get to the freakin' action already!", angrily said the motorcycle helmet-wearing girl.

At one point as they saw the long opening text scene, Ruby witnesses her friends Miria, Celty and Mika suddenly singing to the Star Wars theme as they disappointedly sang over the long opening text, "Bo-ring! This is so boring...! This is so boring... Get to the show!", as the RWBY leader couldn't help but smile to this.

Mika continued the story, "So I guess 22 years before that onslaught of rambling text, there was a sweet innocent old nun named Sister Clara, who ran a lovely little orphanage, where she sold her children to the most adorable science experiments!"

"Wait, what?", Miria confused, "She sold them?"

Ruby responds to the snippet where an agent tells Sister Clara about the children being specially selected for the sake of the future for humanity, "Wow, James Lipton have found a way to become even hammier."

"So one of the kids escapes from one of the evil experiments and hides in the safest place he can think off...a high-voltage electricity box! Yeah, that definitely doesn't sound like the safest place to be if you think about it.", logically said Celty as the scene showed what's said.

The brown-eyed blonde cheered up, "But, it's okay. He's saved by a flash-foward to the future.", as the film zoomed into the boy's eye as we flash to his adult self years later, the character now played by Christian Slater.

"Oh no! He grew up into Christian Slater!", gasped the red-black-haired huntress.

When a boy sitting next to Christian Slater's character in the movie asks if he had a nightmare, "The boy must be like, 'My mommy also says I should pick an accent before I act.'", resuming, "In case you were wondering, this is Edward, our main character, who makes his living as a proffesional monologer.", as they saw the next snippet of him telling the boy about his beliefs and presuming he thinks he may be an asshole for scaring a kid for no reason.

"No, we think you're an asshole for a lot of other reasons.", assumes the motorcycle helmet-wearing girl, before she, Mika and Miria all said when Edward in the film says that he lost his memory when he was 10 and tells the kid he doesn't have to believe him, "Why start now?"

Ruby prefers, "I think his performance in The Wizard is an upgrade compared to this.", while the following part had the taxi driver transporting Edward to his destination as a chase scene ensues on the way.

"Be careful! Jesse Ventura has been known to kill people!", cautiously states the grey-green-eyed brunette.

The RWBY team leader synopsizes, "So, they have themselves a little car chase until the Ventura douche nails them in a corner. Slater then tells the cab driver not to move."

"So long, rare white cab driver guy!", added Mika Harima as they saw the cab chasing them crash into the other, killing the taxi driver as Edward gets out and out of the incoming cab's way.

Ruby said, "You know, for protecting us from the things we don't believe in, he really sucks at it."

"So, rather than just attacking the guy, he climbs up a fence, walks over a bridge, and then attacks the guy! I guess he figured he could use the exercise.", Miria pondered, "I can't tell if it's that or an act of cowardice."; the movie had Edward attack the guy by kicking him through a window as the other breaks through a door as Edward tries to run, "You know, you don't have to beat up the door, pal. You could've just as easily gone through the window you just smashed through.", witnessing the guy charging through another window in the building Edward entered into, "And here he's crashing through another window! What is with this guy and his fear of doors?! Did a door kill his family?", watching as the guy takes something as Edward suddenly does a spinning kick in the air like a wuxia film.

Ruby, Miria, Celty and Mika all laugh at this part.

Mika and Celty snicker, "What's with the physically impossible Street Fighter move?! Nobody can levitate a kick like that from off the ground!"

"Unless, of course, the man was...Chuck Norris!", the brown-eyed blonde presumed, laughing her head off.

Celty nevertheless continued, "So Slater tries to shoot the guy, but it turns out that bullets are just like milk duds being thrown at him."

"Yeah, because it worked so well the first time!", sarcastically sighed Miria, still smiling and cheerfully.

The white hat-wearing brunette puzzles when she and the others watch the guy pin Edward onto a conveyor belt as the latter threw the guy at a sharp small metal stick in a fish bucket, impaling the guy and finally killing him, "So, wait a minute. Knocking him senseless does nothing, shooting him does nothing, but him falling on a sharp pointy stick that just happens to be laying on the ground is what kills him. That makes no sense!"

"Unless that man was...", curiously guessed the brown-eyed blonde, "No. Never mind."

The motorcycle helmet-wearing girl summarizes, "So we cut to a scientist, Aline, palyed by Tara Reid. How do we know she's a scientist? Because she has glasses, of course! And as we all know, any woman who has glasses is either a scientist or adventurous librarian. As if wearing glasses makes look you any smarter, but no offence.", before mimicking as said scene with Edward and Tara Reid's character Aline had the security guards in the scene questioning about the Abkani people, "They're like, 'Okay, yeah! Don't you know like, everyone knows about the Abkani tribe!'"

"'It was all over MTV News last week!'", Miria mimics as well.

Ruby smiles to this, "For sure."

"So, we see Slater trying to walk away from the plot, when he has a sudden suspicion like he's being followed.", the brown-eyed blonde outlooked as they suddenly see a short POV shot before cutting back to the character in the scene, "AND...! He's not."

Celty says, "Huh. You know, from the way they are shooting we could have sworn he was followed! That's what usually happens in situations like that."

"Nope! He's just walking home, with no conflicting obstacles whatsoever."

"Kinda pointless, really."

"Yeah.", Miria nods.

The red-black-haired girl abstracts, "So it turns out a paranormal agent makes pretty good money, as he lives in like what looks like a mix between a garage and a furniture showroom."

"So he looks at his archaeological decoder ring to see if they can find any clues as to what it translates out to.", spectated Mika.

The brown-eyed blonde girl told next, "We then cut to a ship in the middle of the sea where professor Lionel Hudgens and Gordon Fisherman here make an incredible discovery...a box made of 100% pure gold. But faster than you can say 'hands off me booty', the sailors lock the professor in a room and try to steal the box away, opening it up and releasing a horrible creature.", mimicking Edward in the movie as he felt sudden pain when the creature is unleashed, "He must've been like, 'Oh no! My, acting, is going, Shatner!' Either that or his tinnitus.", continuing, "For some reason, everyone decides to...just walk off the movie! I mean, jeez, I know Uwe Boll was a horrible director, but to have all the actors just walk off the movie at the same time, that's pretty bad."

"So the professor opens up the door that was just...locked a second ago to find the entire crew have been murdered! This gets the attention of The Agency of Paranormal Investigations, Bureau 713, filled with the most attractive people that GQ can afford.", the white hat-wearing brunette stated.

Ruby notices when the next scene had Stephen Dorff's character in it, "Hey look. It's that guy who consistently almost has a career!"

"Stephen Dorff?", Miria asked, "That's him? Wow! Good eye!", praising this to Ruby as she says, "So, Slater makes his way back to the his old orphanage in the hopes of figuring out the secret to his past, and the fact some of his old friends are disappearing.", with the movie having Edward meet the nun again for more information as the two go together to get the latter's files, leaving the scene, "So let's go back the way we just came."

The leader of team RWBY scoffs, "Walking at its best, folks.", before the film cuts to Edward back in his place and investigating.

"What? We're back here? This movie jumps around more than a Mexican jumping bean, on a grasshopper, on a Jack rabbit, on a pogo stick! It's going all over the place for its continuity! This movie sucks!", lambasted the brown-eyed blonde.

The motorcycle helmet-wearing girl says, "So he talks with an old pal to figure out if there's anything that all the people disappearing recently have in common.", as it showed Edward's friend in the film arriving to meet up with him and telling him about the people missing.

"Even you are showing him four, you moron.", Ruby scolds to the movie after seeing this excerpt, as Edward's friend in the same part told him that the missing people had nothing much in common despite living together in the same orphanage.

Celty angrily rebukes, "OH, IS THAT ALL? Just the same orphanage? It's like saying, 'Oh, they have nothing in common, except for that one huge thing they have in common!'", still wearing her casual yellow-blue motorcycle helmet without showing her expression because of it.

"So because this movie can't stand for two seconds he goes to yet another location: the museum where the archaeological hottie works.", said Miria nevertheless as a scene with Aline meeting Edward again in an embrace before slapping him for making her worried.

The red-black-haired huntress referenced with a Gollum impression in response to this snippet, "We loves Edward, we hates Edward, we must hate him with all our precious hearts!", making Miria, Celty and Mika laugh again.

"So Aline analyses the artifact and comes with some baffling conclusions.", Mika condenses as they saw Aline and Edward research and analyze the artifact, learning that they were buried throughout many parts of the world like a puzzle as Aline complains about why the pieces of the artifact had to be so far apart from each other; this made Mika, Ruby, Miria and Celty all point out by arguably saying, "Because it's a puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve!"

The brown-eyed blonde epitomizes, "Things look bad when suddenly the lights in the museum starts flickering on and off, and it probably doesn't help the security guard has just two days left before retirement."

"Yeah. Flickering lights. Uwe Boll is actually trying to scare us with flickering lights.", scoffed Celty and Mika in unison, "All that's missing is a guy in a microphone trying to make scary sound effects. They'd be like, 'Whooooo! Aaaoooo! Wheeeeeeee! Whoooooo! Eeeeeeew! Look out for the flickering lights! Ooooo, there may be ghosts somewhere! Oooooo...'", as Ruby and Miria both laughed to the Durarara characters' joke.

As the security guard in the film's following scene was killed by a mysterious monster in the darkness with its claws, Miria mimicked him by saying, "Remember me...as a brilliant security guard!"

To be continued...