Life would not be the same from that night on. I was trying to accept that as I gathered up the courage to leave my bed and go on about my day. I could never look at Alec in the same way I once did even if he apologised and reverted to his calm and collected self around me. I could no longer walk home alone after work with the same peace of mind I once had. I couldn't even face Luke after what happened even if Alec's words were nothing but hollow threats, not even if Luke chose to forgive me. Everything was different and I was still wearing my shoes and hiding under my covers like they could protect me from the viciousness of men.

I never before had felt so small and powerless. The thrill I experienced when I was able to protect myself from the drunk customer was long gone, almost forgotten. I was a pathetic little girl, crying all the time, missing her mother's embrace and her father's comforting cooking. I wanted to skip all my classes for the day and stay in my room resting and thinking of how I could even talk to Luke about what happened. I still could get called back to the station to be questioned again and God I just wanted to put everything that happened that night behind me and not deal with its aftermath but I knew I couldn't. I was about to cry again when I heard the door that separated my room from the bathroom being locked. I finally left my bed to knock on it.

"Nat? Can we talk after you finish there?"

I heard her unlocking the door.

"Must be important, you never interrupt my morning poop" she joked but soon she got a look at my face "fucking shit, what in God's name happened to you?"

"You can poop first."

"Girl, the poop just went all the way back, what the hell?"

I laughed weakly and watched as she sat on my bed. She was still in her pyjamas and her long brown hair was tied up in her usual bedtime updo. I sat by her side.

"It's a lot and I really need to get it out so just listen until I am finished, ok? Then you can ask me whatever."

"Shoot, girlfriend."

I told her everything from the beginning of my shift to the moment I got to my room. She made countless weird faces through all of the story but besides cursing and gasping she really let me speak without interruptions. By the end of it I could tell she was just as incredulous as I was with everything.

"I have..." she finally said when she was sure I was done "no words."

Ironic, I thought.

"That boy was so nice ."

"Yeah."

"But then I guess he is really not?"

"Figures."

"Marina, you can't break up with Luke over this." She raised a hand when I opened my mouth to retort "I know you are scared. And a little disgusted, I mean I am too, you kissed a kid. But you have to tell Luke exactly what happened, like you just did to me. You were already feeling like a horrible person when you kissed Alec because of the thing with the dude that attacked you. You fucked up but you have to tell him all of it, not just about the kiss. You need to tell him what Alec did to you so you two can decide together what to do about it, ok?"

"What if he does get hurt?"

"You think he could really kill Luke?" She frowned. "Luke is almost twice as tall as he is and about ten years older. You think this boy works for the Mafia?" She found the idea funny but her joke made me unsure about saying what I was preparing myself to say.

"Ok, I am going to say something else and I need you to swear on your life and on the life of everyone you hold dear that you will never repeat it to a single soul."

She raised both of her eyebrows at me.

"I mean it. Please swear, I need to talk to someone about it but it's something that is dangerous if it happens to be true and totally ridiculous and embarrassing if it's not."

"Ok, fine. I swear."

"Never repeat it" I stressed with urgency. "Not even to your own reflection, not even to your shadow."

"Marina, you're scaring me for real now."

"Promise me this doesn't leave this room."

She looked at me with wide eyes. I did really scare her, poor soul, but I needed her to take it very seriously. She exhaled heavily and shook her head.

"I promise. This doesn't leave this room, doesn't matter what happens."

"I have" I hesitated and she leaned forward expectantly " a very strong suspicion... based on close observation... that Alec is a vampire."

Damn, that was extremely difficult to say out loud.

"You think Alec is a vampire." Natalia repeated uncertainly.

"Yes."

"You think he is immortal. And drinks blood."

"I do."

"You think he burns under the sunlight?"

"I... don't really know about that. He could, he could not, I am not sure about anything else. There is a lot of conflicting information about them out there."

Natalia got up from my bed and started pacing around my room, which was a hard task since our rooms were so small.

"Ma, you sound crazy." She said after a few seconds of deliberation. "I know you are totally not fine after this hellish night you had but you sound insane."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just really needed to say it, you don't have to believe me. I have been keeping this to myself since last June and it was consuming me."

"Since June? Why?"

"I saw him for the first time when I was going to the bar the night it had the fire, right after I helped you get ready for that party. Thank you again for making me late."

"You're very welcome." She winked and smiled at me.

"Well, that one time when I looked at him his eyes were red."

" Red ? Like his irises were red, not like he was crying or something like that?"

"His irises were red" I confirmed "and it was dark and all but they were so red that I couldn't have been mistaken. They were very clearly red, no doubt."

"He was in costume?" She suggested "Going to a party or some convention?"

"You attended the only party anyone threw in this town that night. Was he there?"

She slowly shook her head negatively.

"To what kind of convention would people go in costumes in this place? And in June."

"I see your point, but there has to be an explanation."

"I just gave you one, he is a vampire."

"Ok, let's say it's true. Then what does he want with you? What can he possibly have seen in you that got vampires offering you a job?"

I had no fucking clue and neither did she. We took a good part of the morning trying to solve such a mystery and came to no reasonable conclusion. When she left, after telling me again to not hide anything from Luke, I felt lighter but just as confused.

I still didn't know what I would tell him.


I ended up skipping all my classes that day. The rest of my housemates threatened to lock me in my room if I insisted on going out at all and each one of them checked on me whenever they could as soon as Natalia spread the news of what happened after I left work. As the hours went by I realised I wouldn't have made it through the day if I had tried to go out because my injuries gradually started to ache horribly. I stayed mostly in bed and tried to recover.

I knew Luke would check on me eventually. I knew the girls would let him up and I would have to tell him. He called me multiple times and I didn't pick up my phone because I knew I had to talk to him face to face.

He knocked on my bedroom door at around 2pm.

"Did I wake you? You were not picking up, I thought you were asleep." He went to hug me as soon as I opened the door and I involuntarily took a step back. "Sorry, you must be in so much pain. Fuck, if you hadn't kicked that bastard's ass already I would totally do it. You are a badass, did you know that?"

I definitely didn't feel like a badass at that moment.

"How are you feeling? Do you need something?"

"I'm ok, the girls helped a lot. I'll be fine." I smiled at him and hoped he didn't notice it was forced. "Listen, I have something really important to tell you but it's going to be really difficult."

"What, did you cheat on me?" He joked and I froze in my spot.

I just stood where I was and looked at him in shock. I had planned to start talking about it very carefully and ease him into it. I was completely unprepared to have it thrown at me so carelessly.

"What? You didn't. You wouldn't. What is it?"

He was in denial. My reaction was a dead giveaway but he didn't want to believe it. When I kept my silence and didn't move he started to panic.

"No, Ma. Stop it, it's not funny. You would never... Come on, say something."

I didn't say anything, I just looked at him trying to imprint every detail of his face in my mind. I allowed myself to memorise his light brown hair, his hazel eyes, his round cheeks and thin lips. I felt some tears running down my face when I thought he might not want to look at me again after that conversation.

"Babe, just say something, you're freaking me out." His voice started shaking. I took his hand in mine and sighed.

"Yes. I'm sorry" I whispered. I couldn't even look at him.

There was a heavy and long pause.

"Was it Alec?"

I just shook my head.

"Fuck, Marina. You said... you swore ... God, he is just a child ."

He was getting more and more nervous, I could just tell he was about to cry too.

"What happened? Did he kiss you?"

I shook my head no.

" You kissed him?"

"Yes."

" Fuck " he let go of my hand and started walking around frantically, "why would you? Why would you do that?"

"I don't know" I admitted "I don't have an excuse, I just... I had to tell you. I'm so sorry."

I started sobbing again and a migraine started to get to me. I don't think I had ever cried so much in my whole life as I did in the hours leading up to that moment.

He didn't hug me and told me it was fine like he used to do. He was crying himself and I wished I could go to him, even if he shoved me away. We stared at each other both crying, trying to make sense of such a mess. That quiet staring contest stretched out for minutes. He was the first one to calm down and force himself to think clearly after what seemed an eternity.

"We can get through this. It's going to be fine. Let's just... talk about it. Tell me how you're feeling, let's fix this."

It hurt so much. I thought my head would explode and my chest would implode. He was so kind, so forgiving. He deserved so much better.

He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and extended it to me.

"Please, let's fix it. Come here."

I didn't go to him. I could hear Alec's voice in my head, reverberating. I believed him, I truly believed he could and would hurt Luke if I didn't abide by his orders. I crossed my arms to keep myself from reaching his hand and just shook my head again.

"We can't, it's done. It's ruined, I ruined it. Whenever you look at me from now on you will see a different person. You know that. You can't fix it."

"No, that's not true. Please, Ma. Don't do this."

"It's done."

He was crying again. He just couldn't believe I was giving up like that and part of me couldn't believe it either. Was that really how we were going to end? I was breaking his heart, I was very aware of that. As I looked at him in front of me in that room I could see it, I was watching it break right in front of me. I could almost hear it shattering.

" Please " he tried again "this is begging by now, I'm begging you..."

"I can't, I really can't. Luke, you deserve better than this. Better than me."

He wouldn't take it, he wouldn't let go.

"You don't even want to try " he accused "you want to leave me to be with him? You're like twice his age, for God's sake. You checked out of this relationship a while ago, didn't you? You didn't have the decency to tell me. Fuck, you broke up with me in your head much before this. Just say it, just admit it."

That was the deciding moment. I could say yes and not tell him about Alec's threats. I could be honest with him and risk his safety. I felt the words coming out of my mouth like someone else said them.

"I should have told you. I really should, but I couldn't. I couldn't even admit it to myself."

"You're throwing away everything we have. For him. Is that really what you want to do?"

No .

"Yes."

He let out a loud sob and stormed out. I didn't even get to say goodbye, he left so fast I barely saw him. I sat down on the floor and replayed our conversation in my head. That could have been the last time we spoke to each other and I blew it. I wished I didn't jump right into it, I regretted not enjoying his company one last time. We could have talked about nice things, I could have made him laugh one last time. I should have asked him about his day, I should have thanked him for everything he ever did to me. I missed the chance to do any of that and as I sat on the floor and hated myself he was probably hating me too.

I wished that it would at least keep him away from me, safe and free to move on with his life.