Everything was calmly falling into place but I felt like a piece that refuses to fit in the puzzle. There was so much I didn't know and even with Alec telling me he would answer whatever I asked I couldn't find my voice to really ask him anything. I felt like a caged bird unable to sing, pecking at the bars that held me inside with no hope of truly breaking free. My head was a mess, nothing made sense. Natalia's name kept coming back like a foamy wave in a calm sea, insistent but in between somewhat long intervals.

I just really wanted to be left alone forever.

I let him take me. There was nothing else I could really do. Fighting him would have the same end results as not doing so, with the only difference that he would use his awful mist on me again, so not better for me in any sense. Worse, really. I let him hold my hand whenever he wanted and touch me as much as he liked during the trip, all the while trying to erase the image of the blood-drinking monster he revealed himself to be from my head and picturing the nice boy from our first weeks together. It was not difficult at all, he was actually behaving just like he did in those first weeks. It calmed my heart and I let myself enjoy it.

We were inside of a plane for a few hours when he finally broke the silence between us.

"You have not asked nor been informed of our destination. Are you not curious?"

"I'm afraid I can't bring myself to care right now. I'm sad and worried."

He sighed heavily. We were sitting side by side in the aeroplane, my head resting against the window. His hand was on the same armrest as mine and his fingers tentatively brushed against my knuckles, light and gentle. When I didn't flinch away he took my hand and pushed his fingers between mine as he did that time in the church. I sat up and turned my face to look at him.

"Tell me if there is anything I can do to make you feel better" he pleaded and I nearly felt sorry for him , like he was the one suffering and needing comfort. He did look to be suffering at that moment and I finally believed that he did care for me.

"Why did you kill Luke?"

His expression hardened.

"That is a subject that will not make you feel better in any way, shape or form."

"I just need to try to make sense of the unfairness of it. The fact that I'm trying instead of just accepting it does make me feel a little better." I hesitated but then completed "and you might not need me to forgive you but I would very much like to at least pretend that you are justified. I would like an easy excuse to forgive you because I really do like you and I want to enjoy your company and your touch without all of this guilt that is gnawing on me from the inside."

He fell silent again and looked at our locked hands before meeting my eyes again.

"You are always honest with me. I really appreciate that."

Then be honest with me as well.

He decided to be.

"I hated him," he confessed with a low whisper. "I cared very little for his existence and his presence in your life at first, but when you kissed me..." his hand squeezed mine painfully and I gasped, prompting him to loosen his grasp on it. "When you kissed me I hated him immediately. When you said it was a mistake I was reminded of all the times I had seen you kissing him. They flooded my mind and I could not bear the thought of seeing it ever again and being denied the same treatment. It was in my power to keep you from him, so I did it."

"You are not sorry" I said and it was no longer an accusation. "You planned it out and executed it knowing it would impact me greatly and you still did it. And now you want to make me feel better." I laughed joylessly. "Better ask for forgiveness than for permission."

"You went after him knowing it would impact everyone involved greatly. I did it fully aware that my actions would have consequences but so did you."

His eyes held all that intensity again, I could almost feel them burning me and his voice was low and hoarse. He could be crying judging by his features alone but his face was dry though it showed so much pain.

Then it dawned on me. It took me quite a while and I was a little embarrassed by that.

"...it would impact everyone involved greatly."

"I hurt you."

It sounded a lot like a question even though it wasn't.

God, have I always been this stupid?

He didn't say anything but the look on his face was confirmation enough.

Of course I did. It was so obvious at that moment. I was so focused on myself, on Luke, on my friends and my family after he exploded that night that I averted my eyes from him. I stopped paying attention to him like I used to and completely overlooked how he felt in all of that. I never tried to take his feelings about the kiss into account and thus never noticed that he was suffering too.

Was he justified because of that, though?

"I'm really sorry. I never wanted to hurt you."

I was suddenly very angry at myself because in that instant he turned the table on me and I couldn't find a way to turn it back. At his confession my heart ached for him and I felt terrible for making him suffer. My mind started to frantically search for a way to get him to feel better.

I really hate myself at times.

I groaned in frustration before giving up and putting my arm around him as carefully as I could, awkwardly hugging him with my other hand still in his and the armrest between us. He released my hand and lifted the arm rest to hug me back.

"You are just a little boy in the end, look at that" I teased and he tensed for a brief moment but soon relaxed again.

"Shut up" he said uncharacteristically, muffled by my shoulder. "Don't ruin it."

Ruin. That is all I have now, I suppose.

I tried not to ask myself if I should be so nice to him, if he deserved it or if I owed it to Luke to be implacably unforgiving. I tried to see it from Alec's perspective for the first time, as someone who did something that was insignificant in the grand scheme of things and believed that the suffering I would draw from it would be short-lived.

No, he didn't deserve forgiveness. It was a good thing that he believed he didn't need it. But he also was not the heartless villain of my story, he was a victim to his own feelings just like everyone else, he was just too powerful to be trusted to do good every time the choice not to do it was presented to him.

Who was I to judge him when I had been there?

I didn't dare to try to convince myself that I could truly understand a creature so different from me and so much older than everything I ever knew. I realised that he was much older than the very country I came from and it was an absurd and incomprehensible feeling. I just could not begin to try to fully understand someone so unlike me, so I decided to give up for the time being.

But I could understand that I hurt him. That was something familiar to me and I could empathise with him.

"Okay, that is quite enough." I tapped his back. "Let me go now."

He faced me but didn't let me go. I had the impression he was angry with me but then he spoke–

"Don't tell me what to do."

He laughed in my face.

Good Lord, the fucking nerve .

It was a bittersweet truce. I couldn't see far enough in the future like he seemed to be able to, to catch a glimpse of a time in my life when Luke's death didn't affect every thought in my head and every feeling in my body. I couldn't let go of it, especially knowing he caused it for such a selfish reason and so cruelly, but I didn't want to be like him either. He was making a lot of effort to ensure that I would feel as if we were the same but I was not quite like him and I could not envision myself being so careless of anyone else's feelings and even more so when they resulted from my own actions.

I had to keep Luke away from the surface, I had to put him in deep waters. There was just too much happening at once and I had to focus on what I could still fix. I had to think of Natalia and anyone else she could have told. It was horrible to admit it but I had to focus on Alec, too. I could suddenly see him in a better light and though he didn't look better himself he was clearer and a little easier to understand.

"You don't want to be just my friend" I reluctantly risked to voice the stubborn thought, feeling nothing but pathetic. When my own voice reached my ears I felt fourteen again, a schoolgirl talking about crushes and daydreaming of holding hands during classes.

I felt really silly.

"No, I don't. It is no longer enough." He sounded much more serious and dignified than me though he was the one that looked like he could still be in school. He shot me a sad but fierce look. "I am undeniably in love with you."

Oh, God. There it is. There is that word.

A word that I had never considered so strange and painful to hear, so alien and foreign coming from him.

What could I even say to that?

"Maybe it will pass" I offered and he flinched like I had slapped him.

"I don't want it to pass, I want to feel like this. I want to want you, I have never felt anything quite as amazing before."

My heart stopped and then melted upon hearing that. It was so sincere and such a good thing to be said, I don't even think he realised how pure he sounded.

He was anything but pure, I had to remind myself. He took everything he could from me, he liked to take as much as I liked to give and that was a deadly combination. I needed a better grip on myself around him or he would take from me until I had nothing left to give. I had to make him give something in return eventually, I would have to take as well.

I was glad to inspire any positive feeling in him in spite of it all. If he was going to bring forth the worst in me at least I could try to force something good out of him as compensation.

"I don't quite hate you right now. Is that enough?"

He sighed.

"No. But nothing will ever be, possibly. So I will take that for now."

I swallowed nervously and tried to drive the conversation away from such a heavy topic, afraid I would succumb under the weight of our words if anything else was said on that matter.

"Where are we going after all?"

"Italy" he answered solicitously, even happy to hear me asking. "A town called Volterra."

"Never heard of it."

"You will love it. I will show you around as soon as I can."

His mood changed instantly.

He looked so excited, it was adorable. I hadn't got a chance to see him excited about anything so far and it made him look like the child he was when he was turned. I felt like petting his hair but refrained from doing it, scared it would spoil his good mood. His smile was open and sincere and his eyes shone with joy.

He looked like a proper angel.

This is all too much, how can he be both at the same time? How can he be this nice boy and that monster at once?

My head was about to explode.

"I can't wait."

His smile lingered and I couldn't think of much besides the absurdity of Life.

What was the Universe trying to accomplish there?

I promised myself to be as kind to Alec as I could manage to be with everything considered. I promised myself to find out what would happen or had already happened to Natalia as soon as I had the opportunity. Last but not least I promised to never let myself completely forget Luke. I owed him much more than that but if I could give him that it would already be better than nothing.

Or so I hoped.