April 27th, 1997. 8:53 am. Belo Horizonte.

Marina Amaral Ferreira.

Art student. Waitress. Only child.

I repeated those words to myself like a prayer. Alec had told me in the hotel that time was not the only thing that made vampires forget most of their human lives, the transformation itself took a lot of them away. That possibility loomed over me for the rest of the day like a dark cloud and I found myself trying to remember my whole life and compress all of my fondest memories into a few hours to be watched like a film, an artificial version of what most people believe to happen in the last moments preceding death. I already knew I would die in a way, so I tried to capture most of my life beforehand.

I was afraid that even with all of that effort I wouldn't be able to remember most of it all by myself, so whenever something would come back to me I would tell Alec about it. He couldn't forget, I just wished he would actually tell it all back to me once I was one of them.

I had no guarantee, I had to take his word. I knew he could simply decide to keep it all to himself and purposefully help me forget but I had no alternatives. I could only hope he wouldn't break his promise.

He wouldn't have liked it at all but I wanted to tell him about Luke too. How we met at the cinema years before as teenagers and instantly liked each other, how we would rather stay home cuddling and watching a film than go out at night, how we used to get in trouble for running in public spaces so often. He would probably just tell me to shut up and change subjects.

It would be pointless, I knew he would never tell me about Luke anyway.

I told him how I tried to learn how to skate as a child and failed miserably, how I loved to sing silly songs very loudly with my friends in cars and karaokes, that I loved mint chocolate ice cream and olives. I listed all my favourite museums, theatres and libraries. I talked about my favourite books and films and told him about every other trip I could remember, about everytime I moved and had to settle in a new place and meet new people. I spent quite some time talking about how I loved the hills of Minas Gerais and the view of Guanabara Bay. He listened to all of it in appreciative silence, smiling and chuckling occasionally.

He seemed to enjoy listening to everything I was saying as long as it didn't involve Luke and I felt a desperate need to throw it all at him, as much as I could, in the short time we had.

Not that he deserved to know anything about me in the first place.

I was just trying to clutch to myself in the tempest of those last moments and he was the only anchor available. When I felt I could no longer speak, tired and drained after that burst of energy, I sighed loudly and fell back on my seat dramatically.

"There is no more?"

He sounded disappointed.

"I can't remember much more, I think that's all." He kept staring at me expectantly and I shrugged. "I'm just twenty-one, how much more could there possibly be?"

"You're twenty years old" he corrected me, "you will not turn twenty-one."

That hurt.

"I really have to become a vampire?"

He looked up and covered his face with his hands in frustration before looking at me again.

"We have been over this times enough. Yes, you do. We went through a lot of trouble to make sure we wanted you and then to have you."

"Sorry, it's just really hard to accept. I don't want to be one of you."

"You don't know what you're saying" he countered dismissively, "you don't know what you want either."

"You are very condescending, did you know that? Your sister as well. I don't need a world of experience and information to be aware that being a vampire is not a good thing."

Be careful, what the hell are you doing? Stop looking for confrontation.

He smiled and I nearly sighed with relief.

"It is not going to be very nice for a while," he admitted "but even at the beginning you will be surprised at how much better it is compared to what you have now."

What do I even have now? I feel like I have nothing anymore.

Just Alec, I corrected myself. And he looked very pleased with that.

"I'll miss everyone and everything."

"Much less than you think."

"I will resent all of you."

"It will pass."

I let it go. Absolutely nothing about the surreal and abrupt change in my life fazed him in any way.

It just felt so awful.

"Where is your sister?"

He took longer to answer that question than any other one and I started to think he would just ignore it but eventually he did answer, though he seemed to take his time to choose the vaguest way possible to do so.

"She was assigned another task somewhere else. She will go back to Volterra on her own."

For some reason that did not sound good to me. I got chills all over my arms.

Fuck, did she go after Natalia? Would he tell me if I asked?

No, I knew he wouldn't. I would have to push that further back in my mind to try to find out about her some other time. I hoped I could do it sometime after we landed.

I tried to get other important information in the meantime.

"What is it that I can do? The amazing thing that had you stalking me for months."

"Finally" he said amusedly, "I thought you would never ask."

I gave him what I hoped to be a raging look but he merely laughed again, thoroughly entertained by my unsuccessful attempt at looking fearsome.

"It is very hard to truly tell what you will be able to do while you are still human" he explained, "but with everything I have seen and felt you doing we know enough to believe you will be very powerful. That is how it happened with me and Jane."

I nearly fell from my seat.

"You can't be serious" I couldn't help but say, interrupting him. "You can't possibly think that I will ever be as powerful as you."

"And why not?"

"That is surreal. You're just having fun at my expense. That is impossible."

He took my hand, this time in between both of his.

"It's here" he assured me, "it's just not really defined yet."

I just shook my head incredulously.

"Fuck, no way. I never in my whole life did anything extraordinary. Whatever it is that you think you see or feel it can't be here, there was never anything."

He actually laughed in my face again.

"You just never noticed. As a vampire my senses work much better than yours. There is no doubt about it, trust me."

Trust him. Could I ever?

"When I saw you that night in June" he continued "I saw you making your food levitate for a moment. That is what made my creators so interested in you. I am part of their elite guard and they only accept the very best."

I gawked at him, blinking rapidly.

"You saw me what ?"

My brain refused to process that. It just started working on the lowest settings possible and I stared at him unmoving with sheer incredulity.

He really thought I had superpowers ?

"Do you want to try?"

God, he had to be fucking kidding me. He would have me trying to make all sorts of things float for hours just so he could tell me he was playing me for some laughs at the end and watch my reaction. My conversation with Natalia came back to me, when I told her they could be looking for people to look stupid on television and she told me I was perfect for that job. I laughed lightly at the memory and glanced around to see if something looked like a hidden camera.

"No, that is ridiculous" I finally answered Alec. "I would feel so stupid. I think that is all you want, to be honest. You're trying to make me look stupid because you're bored stuck in this plane with me for so long."

He smirked.

"I could use this time with you much better if I wished to cure any boredom."

I shivered.

Damn him.

"Just give it a try," he insisted.

I gave it a lot of tries. I tried with a whole lot of different objects and nothing happened. Alec was watching me very intently and with every failure I got more and more anxious, even though he told me a hundred times that I had done it before, more than once, and that he saw it himself. After a while he seemed to get frustrated as well and got up from his seat.

"Sorry, I don't know how to do it on purpose, it seems."

He gathered my backpack from another seat and threw it at me.

"Get my necklace."

Is he taking it back because I can't do it?

The question could have been written on my face by the way he looked at me and smirked.

"I am not taking it back. Just try with it."

I took the necklace from the pocket where I had put it and held it on the palm of my hand, the chain passing through my fingers. Alec sat back by my side and before I could even see what he was doing he took it from me, held it above our heads and let it fall to the floor.

I almost had a heart attack.

Without even noticing I screamed and leaned forward to put one hand under it, almost touching the floor, to catch it as it fell. I was too slow to reach for it and caught it frighteningly close to the floor.

"Holy shit, why would you do that?" I turned to him fuming even though the thing was supposed to mean more to him than to me and would not suffer any major damage by hitting a carpeted floor.

"I trusted you to catch it" he squeezed my shoulder to soothe me. "You just did it, by the way. It floated."

"What? It did not."

I had seen nothing.

"It did. It is not much now and your senses are awfully inefficient but you will be much better at controlling it once you are like us."

I really did not want to be like them. The image of him bathing both of us in my blood and licking it off so happily haunted me and I dreaded the moment anyone would turn me into a monster capable of such a deed. It was totally useless to repeat that to him so I didn't, but I did start to wonder if I could ever escape them. I couldn't go back to the life I had and I would have to hide for as long as I lived but it still seemed better than becoming like him.

Could I ever pull that off?

I put the necklace away and impulsively asked something I had wondered about a few times.

"Do you remember anything about being human?"

He tensed immediately upon hearing my question.

"You said you don't want to be my friend" he said coldly instead of answering. "That is very private."

He is absolutely right, what the fuck is wrong with me?

"Right. Yes, sorry. None of my business."

I felt both mean and embarrassed and awkwardly stood up to go sit farther from him. Being by the window I needed to pass in front of him to go anywhere else and as I tried to do that his hand flew to my wrist like a blur, startling me so much that a whimper escaped me.

"But if you do wish to be my friend" he amended "then I can tell you anything you want to know about me."

That was the first moment I could remember that I really looked down at him. He was usually either sitting by my side and would stand up as soon as I did or we were both standing, and we were about the same height. There had been some times when he sat down before me but I followed right away, I never lingered to look down at him. There had been a number of times when I would be seated somewhere and he looked down at me for a while before sitting near me. I looked down at him briefly at the hotel, when I accused him of wrecking my life, but even then he got up quite soon to meet me. He was actually looking up at me for the very first time, his eyes wide and his expression soft. I felt like it meant something. He looked vulnerable and it made a horrifyingly delicious warmth pool in my belly.

Don't fall for it, don't give him any breach.

I thought about Luke kneeling down in front of me in his room before we left for the trip that killed him and it was like a punch in the gut.

Alec's touch was ice cold as always but it seemed to brand me like hot iron on cattle. I wondered if it would bruise me so I was actually marked like an ox or if I was imagining the intensity of his grip. I stood there for a while, my face scrunched up in concentration but also because I was so uncomfortable.

I exhaled heavily.

"Sorry. I'll be over there if you let me go."

He looked like he was crying with no tears again and his hand tightened around my wrist. My heart began to pound in my chest, I could actually feel it pulsing in my ears and behind my eyes. My blood felt unbelievably hot in my veins, spreading like fire up my neck and through my face until I felt little droplets of sweat on my forehead. He had said he didn't need to breathe but he was breathing quite irregularly and loud enough that I could hear it with little effort.

He seemed ready to lunge at me.

Let go of me, what the hell are you considering doing?

"Sit down" he asked but it sounded more like an order.

I tried to pull my arm but it just made him hold it even tighter.

"You'll break my arm. Please just let go."

"Sit."

I was too scared to tell him off but embarrassed enough that I didn't really want to stay right next to him. I wished the ground would open up and I would be violently dragged out of the plane.

He then pulled me with no warning and I fell right onto his lap, legs bent over his armrest.

I was mortified.

"What are you doing ?!"

"Do you have any idea of how much I want you?" He whispered in a low tone as he eased his hold on me. "You're just human and you reject me and I still find myself craving your attention, craving your touch. It's both the best and the worst thing I ever felt."

His fingers grazed the spot on my wrist where he bruised me. Red finger-shaped blemishes emerged like rainwater slowly filling dry riverbeds and his fingertips glided across the tarnished skin like he didn't cause them himself.

"This is all you and your people's fault" I accused trying to move away from him. "I was just living my life, you sought me out. I had nearly forgotten about you when you reappeared and introduced yourself. And you let yourself fall for me, this is all on you. I don't owe you anything."

He put one hand on the back of my thigh and forced me to shift in place, positioning himself in between my legs.

I felt very close to self-combusting out of horror and embarrassment.

"You're right. But it doesn't change or solve anything."

His arms went around my back like vines and locked me firmly against him. I suddenly became awfully aware that I could feel him hardening where our hips met.

Stand up and walk away, do it now for God's sake.

I couldn't. It was like I was chained to him.

"Relax," he laughed, "we're just talking. Besides, this is not the first time we have been this close, is it?"

He was clearly having fun watching me panic.

"I am sorry you made your own life so difficult" my words were filled with so much annoyance and sarcasm that I barely recognised my own voice, "but I can't help you. You made your bed, you can lie in it."

"This is still about the boy" he commented nonchalantly, "you really think you loved him, don't you?"

Oh, the audacity .

"I did love him, what the fuck do you know?"

"I know what I see" he came so close to my face that I thought he would kiss me. "I know you are mad at me for what I did and I know you feel guilty for giving me reason, but I also know you are nowhere near reacting to his demise as someone who truly loved him. You might have liked him, and I believe you loved that he loved you, but if you really loved him, Marina, you would find yourself incapable of looking at me or talking to me. You would be seething with fury and planning your revenge, you would not be chatting with me like you have been. You barely even scolded me."

I could not even breathe anymore. His words hit me way too deeply.

"In fact" he continued like he hadn't done enough damage, "I believe you like me much more than you ever liked him."

I scoffed indignantly.

"Tell me I am wrong."

Was he wrong? I wanted him to be wrong, I needed it desperately, but once I allowed myself to really consider his words instead of just rejecting the possibility as soon as they reached me I was no longer so sure of it. I had never before felt anything as intense as what I felt for Alec. I had always enjoyed Luke's company, but I couldn't remember feeling so strongly for him. Was it true that I would be reacting to his death all that differently if I loved him? Was it like that with everyone? I didn't know, but Alec seemed very sure of it.

Was I in love with Alec?

I did feel enraged by Luke's death in the alley, but then I buried that feeling and maybe I did it a little too well and too easily. What did I feel for him when he was alive?

I did love him, I realised when I assessed my feelings, but I was never really in love with him. I loved him like a friend and that revelation crushed me.

"You are wrong," I finally uttered, "but not completely. I loved him, I was just never in love with him. Fuck, I can't believe it."

I couldn't believe it. I really couldn't, it was too horrible and I felt too ungrateful.

Alec's breathing was even more ragged than mine at that point.

"And how did you come to know this?"

I took him in before answering. I admired the way his long lashes made him look even more innocent framing his wide eyes, the way his full lips were slightly parted in expectation, the way his soft hair covered his forehead and touched his eyebrows so elegantly. I thought about every time my heartbeat faltered because of him, about every time we held hands and my palms started sweating, about every time I rejoiced as I heard him laugh because of me. I remembered how I felt when he gave me his necklace and how I missed him even as I tried to run from him.

Don't say it, don't you dare say it out loud. Keep it to yourself, keep it forever.

My brain was yelling all the logic it could at me but my mouth had a will of its own.

"Because I'm in love with you ."

I felt more than unlucky, I felt cursed.

He gave out a longing growl and met my lips with such a force that I could feel my skin breaking. I could taste my own blood on his tongue as we kissed and after a while I could taste my own tears as well.

"Enough crying" he stopped to say but he was not mad, he said it kindly as he stroked my hair, "nothing that troubles you matters quite as much as you believe."

I closed my eyes to calm myself. How did it all come to this? I couldn't escape our reality after that plane ride, we had both confessed. It was all on the table now. How would things be when we reached the ground?

"We're almost there."

I then noticed the plane had begun its descent.

We were close to landing.