I couldn't do it anymore.

It was to be expected, tired and upset as I was, but it was still a letdown. I did it once, which was already more than I thought I could, but after that little demonstration every vampire in the room was understandably excited to see more of it. I didn't manage to repeat it, my eyes were again closing on their own and my body was giving up on me.

"She needs to rest, we will all have time for proper introductions and chatting after she sleeps" I heard Aro saying to the room.

Fuck, finally some sleep. I'll hopefully be in a coma for a few days.

"Let's go" I turned to the person speaking and touching my back and saw Alec. He took me out of the room through the same doors we went in.

I turned around before the doors closed to look at the third king, the one that didn't speak while I was there. He met my eyes with a tired expression.

I waited until we were a little far to ask Alec about him, though I didn't know from how far they could still hear us.

"That is Marcus" he told me as we went downstairs, "he doesn't speak much. It was not personal."

I felt like I should not pry any further and dropped the subject.

"You never told me how someone becomes a vampire" I said instead, remembering that I was worried about that earlier.

He hesitated.

"Don't think about it just yet" he offered, "you still have some time before you have to go through that."

"If you don't want to tell me now then it must be a horrible and traumatic process."

He didn't answer.

"It hurts, doesn't it?"

More silence.

"Fuck, it hurts so bad you're actually scared of telling me? I am so lucky."

He finally looked at me.

"Didn't you feel lucky in that room? You seemed pleased with yourself at the very least."

Did I really think he would let that slide?

"It felt good," I admitted, "but being home would have felt better."

He laughed with obvious incredulity.

"You don't fool me, love, and I don't think you fool yourself anymore either. You know it felt amazing, you just feel guilty about it. Besides, you are home now."

I cursed him mentally for being right again, but I convinced myself I was simply too tired and overloaded with information. I would feel like myself again once I slept and ate properly and all those horrid thoughts and feelings would be as alien to me as they should.

And then I would feel more inclined to properly think of a way to leave that castle.

"What happened to Natalia?"

"She is fine, you will meet her soon."

I gave him a suspicious look.

"She really is" he guaranteed, "she is with Jane. If she is as lucky as you, she will stay here as well."

"What if she isn't?"

What if she is as lucky as Luke?

After turning in a few corridors we stopped in front of a simple wooden door with a copper doorknob.

"Then you will still get to say goodbye to her."

I cried out.

"It amazes me how you say such things so carelessly. It is all small and insignificant to you but from my perspective everything matters a lot and you are very aware of that, you just don't care at all about how I feel."

He silently rubbed my back and kissed my hair.

"I know you will forget most of it and nothing will matter that much for very long. I hope you are not under the impression that I don't care about you because that is simply not true anymore."

I was honestly under that impression at times but didn't voice it.

Anymore. It used to be true, even when I thought it already wasn't. He still didn't care about me when I already thought we were friends.

The night when I was attacked came back to me like weed that refuses to be killed.

"Would you really have watched me get violated without doing anything?"

I turned to look at him and his expression was hard and unreadable. He seemed to be choosing his words carefully for a few seconds.

"Probably not," he finally admitted. "We will never know for sure now, it happened as it did. You didn't need me. I do believe I might have been unable to follow my orders if I actually saw anything happen to you then, but there is not any way of knowing that now."

That is not much better than a hard yes but not as bad as that either.

I hesitated before asking the other annoying doubt that kept echoing in my head, wondering if I should let him know about it at all.

My curiosity won in the end.

"Would you have fallen in love with me if I couldn't defend myself and needed your help?"

He answered that right away, certain and firm, not a quiver of doubt in his voice.

"No."

I couldn't really judge him for that, but it still instigated a very odd feeling in me. I had been ripped from a world of unconditional love to be thrown into one where I would have to constantly prove that I deserved to be loved. Life in Volterra already felt much harsher than the one I was used to and I had only arrived.

I had a feeling I might be too soft for it.

I figured we had stopped in front of my room so I opened the door and stepped inside.

It was not very large and didn't have much in the way of furniture. The walls were mostly bare and there was a bed, a wardrobe and a bedside table. My backpack was on top of the bed and I immediately reached for it, looking through my things inside to make sure I still had everything.

I didn't.

My documents were missing, as well as my cell phone and my credit cards.

"There are things missing" I said to Alec but then it occurred to me that he already knew that.

"You don't need anything that is not in there."

He was leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed, observing me attentively. I frowned at his words.

"I had thousands of pictures and videos on that cellphone, please tell me it was not destroyed."

"It had to be."

He seemed sorry to tell me that so I tried not to be mad at him.

"Marina" he called me when I got distracted thinking of all the years of media I lost, "I couldn't have offered you the position in our coven without revealing our secret, which made it impossible for me to give you the option of refusing it without choosing death instead. But had it been possible, if you could refuse it and go back to your life, would you really have done that?" He sounded truly curious, so I gave it some thought.

Would I?

I liked to think that I would, but after being in the castle and being treated with such deference, I was not so sure anymore. If he had asked me that in Brazil I would have definitely said yes, but he asked me there, after I was treated like someone really important. I couldn't know.

That was when I understood what he meant about not knowing if he would just watch me being attacked that night. He was not that person anymore.

"Yes, I would have refused it," I conceded, "but it would have been a mistake."

I used his own words and saw it in his face that he noticed it. There was an unmistakable change in his features as it washed over him: the horror of recognition.

"That's fair," he smiled in defeat.

I decided to check what was in the wardrobe.

"Do you think Natalia will make it?" I asked as I took the clothes from inside to look at them. I felt like I was in a dream, my body was so tired.

"Jane seems to think so."

I heard Alec walk slowly behind me and then sit on the bed.

All the clothes in there were to my taste and in my size, which didn't surprise me very much after I realised how much those people had expected me. It was still a very weird notion, that I was suddenly someone that important and that everyone there knew who I was.

I sat by Alec on the bed.

"This is all so strange" I whispered, "it's too much. It's too abrupt."

"It's not that abrupt" he disagreed, "you were warned about the position months ago. You are being given time to get adapted. When Jane and I were turned we were burnt at the stake by fellow villagers and Aro had to save us at the last moment by biting us. That was abrupt."

I flinched and stared at him in shock at the sudden revelation.

"Wow. Yes, I guess you're right" I fumbled with my words, caught completely off guard. "Damn, I'm really sorry you suffered like that."

What the fuck, no warning or anything, just unloaded it on me like that.

"Thank you" he smiled sadly. "It was a long time ago and it gave me this life. A lot of people have it much worse."

If he was trying to make me feel spoilt for complaining about my situation then he succeeded.

"I just keep thinking that with everything considered I really just don't want to be a vampire. So maybe refusing this position would be a mistake but I don't think staying human would be."

He laughed really hard at that, he threw his head back and laughed for a while, something I had seen on very few occasions before.

He looked as gorgeous as any other time he did it and I hated him for it.

"You are so lovely" he leaned in and kissed me quickly on the lips, "at times when you prove yourself to be fierce and imposing I forget how naïve you can be. There is so much you don't know, I will enjoy teaching you greatly."

There was an underlying meaning to his words that the tone of his voice made it impossible for me to ignore and I could feel my face flushing. He noticed it and smirked mischievously.

"So very innocent."

I looked away and tried to control my breath before changing the subject not so subtly.

"So, I am being given time to acclimate. How much time?"

He had said I would not turn twenty-one so not very much, my birthday was only a few days away at that point.

"A week. It would be unwise to keep you human for very long in a castle full of vampires but the masters want to give you a proper welcome and the opportunity to know the city before you become overwhelmed with bloodlust."

I frowned, my question so evident on my face that he immediately answered it without actually hearing it.

"Newborn vampires have an insatiable thirst. You will not be able to control yourself or think of much besides blood for a while."

Jesus Christ, how incredibly disgusting.

"When does it get better?"

"After about a year."

"A whole year ?"

A whole year of being an uncontrollable bloodsucking animal and then an eternity of being a controlled bloodsucking animal, such a wonderful life indeed.

"What a fucking nightmare" I whispered as low as I could, covering my face with my hands, but once again he heard me loud and clear and sighed in exasperation.

"I will be with you, you will be just fine" he took my hands to uncover my face and his knee touched mine, making me jump in reflex. He smiled but didn't comment on it. "And I am so looking forward to being able to touch you with no restraint. You will be much stronger than me during all of that first year."

I made an effort to ignore the implication of his words again even though it proved to be harder every time he purposefully stirred the conversation back to that topic.

"I can get back at you then, kick your ass nice and proper."

He laughed and tightened his hold on my wrists, pulling me closer with a sudden movement.

"You can try. That should be fun."

Oh, I would definitely try.

"Can vampires get drunk?"

He raised one eyebrow.

"No, we cannot."

Oh come on, what type of life is that?

"I have to get drunk at least one last time then. Man, nothing you told me so far makes life as a vampire any good, did you notice?"

"You are focusing on the wrong things."

"I won't be able to eat anymore. What's the point?"

I meant it as a joke but he didn't laugh that time.

"Blood tastes much better than any of that garbage you eat, my love" he rested his forehead on mine and my heartbeat picked up. "And once you're a vampire I'll finally get to fuck you, how about that?"

Damn, there it was again, thrown at me in such a casual way .

I groaned and kissed him without a single thought in my mind, it just blanked. I almost felt like I was watching it from outside of my body.

I really needed to sleep.

He kissed me back eagerly but after he mentioned it I finally noticed how he always seemed to hold back. I had always felt that he was rough with me but he was actually trying not to be, something that I might never have realised if he never pointed it out to me, so incredibly distracted I always got when we touched.

I climbed onto his lap and clumsily grabbed the waistband of his trousers, trying to slide my hand inside of them.

He quickly pushed me away.

"Ah, not yet." He smiled at my boldness but sounded incredibly frustrated. "Go bathe. I'll wash your hair. Then you can sleep."

I definitely crossed the Atlantic with blood on my hair.

I slept for no less than eighteen hours straight. I couldn't remember anything between falling asleep and waking up in the evening of the next day, not even a glimpse of a dream. After I bathed while Alec washed my hair he left my room and I collapsed on the bed. I checked the clock on the bedside table to find out how much I slept when I woke up still alone in my room and concluded it should be dark outside.

Once I was fully rested and recovered the memory of Alec washing my hair earlier made me uneasy. It reminded me of the night Luke helped me shower when I heard the news about the fire in the bar, just like I remembered Luke comforting me that same night when Alec did it to me after I was attacked. I felt gross as my mind drew those parallels, like I had been replacing Luke in my heart even before he died. The fact that I was getting used to the idea of staying in Volterra did nothing to make me feel better.

It was all wrong, I didn't deserve to be fine with any of what happened. I shouldn't be allowed to embrace my new life without a care in the world while people around me suffered such dire consequences, either by dying, by missing me forever or by being also cursed with eternal darkness and bloodlust. It was just not fair.

Alec was right, I was taken by guilt and it was guilt alone that was driving me away from the castle, not unhappiness or dissatisfaction.

It was all I could manage, so it would have to be enough.

Fuck, this whole thing really got to my ego. I guess I was always rotten, I just never had the opportunity to let it show.

It didn't really matter to me. The knowledge that I was capable of horrible things would always be with me but it didn't mean that I had to be a bad person. Alec was completely right when he said that my choices were what made me a monster, I could never be truly good if I couldn't discern good from evil and make a conscious choice. If I was unaware and incapable of evil I would be innocent, if I was capable of it and still chose not to do it then I would be genuinely good.

I was set on choosing right from then on and that castle was the wrong environment to achieve that.

I kicked the bed covers away and jumped from the bed, going to the wardrobe to change from the nightgown I had on. I ran my fingers through the clothes very briefly, trying not to be too picky as to not take very long. I felt a sudden urge to find out where Natalia was and had energy to spare for the first time in days, though I felt quite hungry.

Go find Natalia first, then worry about food.

When I was ready and reached for the doorknob someone beat me to it and opened it from the outside, startling me.

The vampire on the other side chuckled as he watched me jump.

"Sorry, you caught me by surprise."

The timing was too good, I could bet he heard me moving in the room and did it on purpose.

"Forgive me, I didn't mean to scare you."

Yeah, right .

He was taller than Alec and I but much shorter than Felix. He was slender and his blond hair reached his shoulders.

His eyes were a vivid red like the rest of them.

"I'm Demetri. It is a pleasure to properly meet you."

"Pleasure is all mine" I answered automatically, not very sure of my own sincerity. I was never very eager to meet yet another vampire but I still had a lot of them to meet judging by the number of people I saw when I met the kings.

Demetri nodded politely, a hint of a smile still on his face.

"I would advise you not to wander alone in the castle. Food will be brought to you regularly and Alec will escort you when you wish to see the city."

"Oh, sure. I was just wondering if my friend has arrived."

"You will meet her when it's time."

I didn't like hearing that but tried to suck it up. After being under Alec's gift I had started to feel the need to not upset any other vampire as being hurt by them was no longer the worst of my preoccupations.

"Right, sorry."

"You have slept a lot" he commented but didn't sound judgemental. "Do you believe you could use your gift again now? If you don't mind."

I was not very sure, but I never was. My stomach hurt a little but I decided to try anyway, if only to appease him.

I turned my hands to have my palms up and unconsciously furrowed my brow in concentration. Any other time I had successfully used it I had been fuelled by very strong emotions so I was inclined to believe I wouldn't get to do it then, but when I looked back at Demetri he seemed to share my disbelief and that motivated me ever so slightly.

I kept my eyes on him and for the very first time I actually felt something happening. In a few seconds I felt a very subtle shift in the pressure of the air around us, like something invisible moved between our bodies. It lasted for only a second.

He blinked and then laughed.

"Very impressive."

"Damn, I actually felt this one. I never felt it before."

I was so shocked that it didn't occur to me that maybe I should have kept that information to myself until after I shared it with him.

"I suppose you are already getting better at it. That part of your training should be a walk in the park for you."

He did sound really impressed and I felt terribly proud of myself again.

No, Marina. Snap out of it, you're just a college student and a waitress that needs to get the fuck out of this place.

"She's awake!"

I looked behind Demetri to see two women approaching us, a short blonde and a tall brunette. I tried not to stare too much at the brunette but she was awfully pretty, even to vampire standards. The blonde was the one to speak excitedly, giggling as she made her way to me. The brunette walked slower but eyed me with curiosity.

"Did she do it to you?" The short one asked Demetri. She then turned to me "if you did it to him you have to do it to us too!"

Great, now I'm a circus monkey.

"She must be hungry," the brunette suggested.

Demetri rolled his eyes.

"These are Corin and Heidi." He indicated them as he said their names and turned to Corin. "She is actually hungry, you can pester her to perform tricks after she eats."

Corin grimaced.

"Can I walk her to the kitchen?"

"You know the protocol" Heidi was the one to say that. She then spoke to me "I hope you are enjoying Volterra so far."

"It's very nice, thank you."

"Ah, I'll come back after you eat" Corin warned me, "don't take too long."

I watched them leave feeling suddenly better about everything. Something about that short conversation made me feel much more at ease in there, even around vampires that were essentially strangers to me.

"I like Corin" I commented and Demetri seemed extremely amused by that.

"People usually like her."

I sensed something obscure in his voice but didn't feel like looking into it.

"I guess I will wait for my food in my room?" I didn't mean for it to be a question but it ended up sounding like one. Demetri smiled at me.

"Yes, you will."

I went back inside.

Maybe life in Volterra wasn't so bad after all.