It was the beginning of my first semester in college.

Everything was pretty new and exciting but so scary at the same time that I found myself at the verge of running back to mummy and daddy several times a day, everyday. I was thrilled to live away from them for the first time in my life but at night, alone in my new room, I found myself crying to sleep while wishing my mum was there to hold me. I found myself wishing my dad would burst through the door with a sandwich to make me feel better.

It was hard and painful, cutting the second umbilical cord.

I was a little too alone during that first week. The house was almost empty, I had chosen my new home and moved into my new room a little too early. Classes would not start before a couple of weeks, students were still slowly coming to the city. The room right next to mine was vacant and I tried to see the bright side of things. There were not a lot of people around so I didn't have to share the common areas of the house very often yet and the bathroom that opened to both my room and the next one was all mine for a while.

I went out on my own to get to know the place. It was old and well preserved and its beauty calmed my heart whenever it threatened to get too out of control. I got acquainted with the area around my house first and slowly started to spread out farther. By the time Natalia came into my life I was already qualified to show her around, which I happily did when she asked me.

"We're bathroom mates" she said when I walked in on her while she was peeing. "Cool, right? I should have locked both doors, I guess. Dumb old me saw your door and didn't think to lock it."

First time I ever saw her she was sitting on the toilet, shorts and underwear down.

"Yeah, you should have locked it. Lesson learnt?"

We laughed awkwardly. None of us ever forgot to lock both doors again.

When she finished peeing she asked me about "cool places to hang out" in town and I took her to my favourite museums and historical buildings.

"Thanks, friend." She tapped my back with a warm smile. "I'm more of a drink like crazy and dance until the sun comes back up type of bitch, though."

"Oh."

It took her a week to get to know that part of the city and show me around.

"Paying you back for showing me your part of the town" she had said.

It was everything I needed at the time. I partied all night long for the very first time and got drunker than ever before. She actually had to carry me home and throw me under the shower, clothes and all.

She didn't stop laughing through it all.

"You're so wasted, fuck!" She kept repeating every few minutes in between giggles because she was very drunk herself. "Have you never seen alcohol before?"

"I don't think I saw it, I think I drank it all without even looking. Man, my parents are gonna kill me."

"They're not here, we good."

It hit me then that I could do all sorts of condemnable things and get away with all of it.

My parents would probably never know.

"Fuck, you're right. Let's do this every night."

Natalia screamed and her voice echoed through the darkness of the street, startling the few people walking nearby.

"God, no!" She laughed some more before adding "unless you learn to hold your liquor, that is. I don't want to babysit you and carry you home every night. You're crazy if you ever thought I would."

"That's fair."

That was my first taste of freedom and I already wanted to drown in it.


I ran straight to Natalia after I met Luke for the first time. I was ecstatic, I had never felt so excited about anyone before.

"I think I'm in love. I mean, I don't know, I never liked anyone before. It's at least a crush, it has to be."

"Whoa, rewind. You met who at the what?"

I had barged into her room through our shared bathroom. The floor was still a little wet from her shower and when I saw her she had a towel wrapped around her body and another one holding her long hair up. There was a green beauty mask on her face.

"I met this boy, Lucas," I repeated trying to say it slower that time around, "at the cinema. I went to that Nightmare on Elm Street screening. Remember that? The one you didn't want to go with me to watch."

"Yeah, right. Sorry again, I really hate horror films."

"That's fine" I brushed her off, too anxious to talk about the boy. "He sat by my side and kept looking at me throughout the entire thing. At one point I wondered if there was something on my face."

"Oh, Marina, that is typical of you" she rolled her eyes. "A pretty girl notices a boy giving her the eye and thinks it must be something on her face. It was something on your face alright, those luscious kissable lips. Damn."

"Are you hitting on me?"

She laughed and threw a pillow at me.

"Oh, please. If I wanted you I'd have you naked in my bed every night."

I was the one to laugh and roll my eyes that time.

" Anyway " I continued while I tried to ignore her little smirk, "when the movie ended he confessed he had gone to the wrong room. He said he saw me and decided to watch that one anyway, how cute is that?" An uncharacteristically girly giggle escaped me and Natalia smiled. "We're going out tomorrow and I need you. Desperately."

She gave me a knowing look.

" Fuck yeah , you do. What are you gonna wear, am I right?"

She was so right.


He actually rang the doorbell, something I had started to think people our age were totally incapable of doing, so common it was to stand by the front door and text someone else to say they were waiting outside. I ran downstairs nearly tripping on the hem of my dress even though its skirt was not long at all. Natalia had picked it out for me and done my make up as lightly as she could, not being used to doing it on herself with a light hand.

When I opened the door he smiled and his eyes shone like little diamonds.

"You look so beautiful" he said as soon as he laid eyes on me. I smiled.

"Thank you. You don't look bad yourself."

It was an understatement. He was a vision.

He was wearing a white button up shirt and light blue jeans with a black belt. His sneakers were also black and his hair looked more in place than when I first saw him. I met his eyes again and realised I had been giving him a very obvious once-over that he couldn't possibly have missed.

I could feel I was blushing and looked down, a little embarrassed, which made me see he was holding a little white flower.

"This is for you" he gently and quickly touched my nose with the flower and I laughed because it tickled me.

He brought me an actual flower, Jesus Christ I am going to faint.

I was already gushing so damn hard.

I took the flower from his hand and put it in my hair, feeling my face burn under his warm gaze.

"A garden fairy."

My heart was fluttering and we hadn't even left the house yet.

After we did leave the house we walked in the park talking and eating ice cream throughout the afternoon. He told me about his parents and his sisters and how he was studying psychology in college. He was a year older than me, so he was a little further along. He talked about working as a waiter in a restaurant while he didn't find a job related to his degree.

"You're a waiter? I am a waitress!" I told him excitedly.

"Really? Whoa, what are the chances?"

We were both so happy to find such a thing in common that we talked about it for quite some time, sharing our experiences with the job, what was universal about it and what was different since I worked at a bar and not a restaurant. We got so entertained with the conversation that we almost forgot to go buy the ice cream that we were so looking forward to eating when we left my house.

I noticed he judged my choice of flavour before he even said anything about it.

"Mint ice cream? Really?" He looked at my cone doubtfully and I found myself holding it tighter.

"It's my favourite" I said defensively. He held his free hand up in mocking surrender.

"Sorry, but it tastes like toothpaste."

"And what is your favourite?" I challenged him.

"Chocolate and hazelnut."

"Oh fuck, I can't make fun of you for that. That's a pretty decent one."

He laughed and the sound was so pure that I swooned.

"Do you want a taste?"

I shook my head yes and he kissed me.

Oh God, I know I don't deserve him but please let me keep this one.

I'll be as good to him as I can.

Pretty pretty please.


The whole date was like a scene from a book, almost too perfect. By the time I went back home I was completely enthralled.

"He is the nicest guy to ever set foot on this Earth" I told Natalia excitedly in my room. "I think I'll marry him someday."

"That was quick. When am I going to meet Prince Charming? He must be pretty amazing to get you like this on the first date, I want to see what this is all about."

"I can introduce you two when we get engaged, I wouldn't want to scare him off before that."

She slapped my arm playfully.

"The hell you will, I want to meet him after your third date. That is serious enough, I guess."

I sighed. She was set on that, there was no convincing her otherwise.


It did happen after we went on our third date, but I was not warned beforehand. One day I got out of class at lunchtime and he was waiting for me outside the building.

"What are you doing here?" I was so surprised that I even sounded a little rude though I was thrilled to see him there.

"You're not happy to see me?" He looked down, a little sad, and I felt like slapping myself.

"Of course I am" I quickly assured him, "I was just not expecting to see you here. Your campus is on the other side of town."

"You made it sound like I travelled for hours to see you," he laughed lightly. "Not that I wouldn't , it's just that it takes about 20 minutes to go from one side of this town to the other."

"Well, still, you did come all the way to see me?"

He was about to answer when I saw Natalia running in our direction and understood it was all her doing.

That sneaky bitch set this up to meet him without even telling me!

I got very nervous, I was not prepared mentally or emotionally for that at all.

Would they like each other?

Would she scare him off? I didn't really tell him much about her, I was planning on warning him that she was a little crazy before they met.

There was no time for that anymore.

"There you are!" She stopped in front of us abruptly and tried to catch her breath. "And this here is the nicest guy to ever set foot on this Earth, huh?"

I don't know to this day who was more flustered upon hearing that, if it was Luke or me.

"You oversold me" he chuckled awkwardly.

"Oh and he is modest too. A real prince, I see."

I gave her a mortified look, hoping she would get the hint to stop embarrassing me, but though she understood perfectly what I silently asked of her she decided to ignore it completely. I knew it because she sent me an evil smile before oversharing even more things I had told her about him, feigning obliviousness as Luke and I felt more and more like digging a hole into the ground to bury ourselves.

"We're having lunch together, hope you don't mind" she said innocently like we could refuse it at that point, trapped in her scheme as we were.

We had lunch together and I felt like dying the entire time. Natalia would simply not shut up about every little nice thing I ever told her about him, even going as far as saying in between bites –

"She keeps saying what an amazing kisser you are, I think you ruined her for every other guy in the world."

We both choked on our food.

"She definitely oversold me" he repeated, his face so red I could hardly see its usual colour in any part of his skin.

"You'll have to forgive Nat, she has not been properly socialised as a child" I said to Luke as I kicked her under the table.

"Ouch, no need to kick me. I'm just telling him all the good stuff I know you wouldn't say to his face." She turned to him "you'll have to forgive Marina, she gets embarrassed by the littlest thing."

Damn, I'm gonna kill her when we get home.

"Didn't think you liked me that much" Luke whispered to me though Natalia was so close to us at the table that she could hear us anyway. "You're so reserved and hard to read, I was thinking maybe you were not very into me."

Wait, what?

Natalia had the nerve to give me an "I told you so" type of look.

"You two are so lucky I am such a meddler" she giggled, obviously satisfied with the results of her plan, "I couldn't sleep thinking this one was going to let you get away, seriously" she told Luke.

He glanced at me with the tiniest shy smile on his face.

I could just eat him up.


"You're welcome."

Natalia was extremely proud of herself when Luke left. We walked together to our next classes and I was not surprised at all, I knew she would never let me forget how she supposedly saved our blossoming relationship.

I had to give it to her, though I admitted it very reluctantly: she did something right.

"Thank you" I said through gritted teeth, "I just would like to know how you got in touch with him at all."

She cleared her throat and looked around nervously.

"Okay, you'll forgive me for that because I just saved your ass, right?"

She was trying to sound confident but I could hear the uncertainty in her voice. Whatever she did to find him and talk to him could make me mad.

I squinted my eyes at her.

" What did you do? For God's sake tell me it was at least something legal."

She huffed.

" Of course it was. Jesus Christ, I am not a fucking criminal, chill." She fidgeted with the strap of her bag. "You mentioned where he works and I called the place, said I had to talk to him about a family matter." I raised my eyebrows but she spoke again before I could say anything. "Yeah, I lied, but that's not a crime."

"Man, the lengths you'll go to just to meddle. Unbelievable."

I shook my head but couldn't help the smile that spread across my face.

"Oh, come on. You heard him, I saved your ass. He thought you didn't like him all that much."

"Yeah, fine, I guess you did save something there. Thanks, friend."

She winked. "Again, you're welcome." She seemed to think about something for a little while and then commented "he's average-looking at best but his personality shines like the sun. He is a prince alright."

I pushed her softly and we both laughed.


Six months going out, he walked me home after one of our dates.

When we reached my house he made a point of going all the way to the front door with me. I could see my hand was shaking when I reached for the doorknob and I thought my spirit would leave my body when he put his hand on top of mine.

I looked him in the eyes.

"I love you" he whispered.

I didn't say it back.


Our first anniversary. One whole year since we met. We were about to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street in his house.

"I think I love you" I told him.

He dropped the remote and I thought his spirit would leave his body.

I hated myself for how I said it but he didn't seem to mind. He kissed me like his life depended on it.

You're awful. You ruined it. That was the first time you ever said it and you ruined it.

I felt awful but he was exultant so I tried to hate myself a little less.


I had no idea how to say it. I was never in a situation like that, I tried to think back to each time I had been a messenger and it had always been good or at least neutral news. Could I be tactful enough? Could I possibly fuck up something that was already fucked up in itself?

I was having a nervous breakdown. I was not the right person to deliver those news but I was the best one available. Natalia's family were on their way but they were coming from another state and would take some time to arrive, it would have to be me. They could not possibly tell her something like that over the phone, that was simply not an option.

I watched her arriving from Vitoria's front facing window. I took as many deep breaths as I could before I heard her finishing going up the stairs.

I didn't know what else to do so I baked. My dad would always bake to cheer us up so I did what I knew. I made her favourite cupcakes, apple with cinnamon and almonds. I had searched all over town for some almonds as it was not that easy to find them where we lived.

I was so lost.

"Hey, what you doing there?"

She saw me standing in Vitoria's room. I shrugged.

"I was looking through the window to see you coming home. Do you want some cupcakes? I made some. Apple, cinnamon and almonds. Your favourite."

She raised her eyebrows.

"Whoa, nice. What did you do?" She joked and I laughed nervously.

She turned around to go to the kitchen and I followed her. When she sat at the counter that separated it from the living room I sat beside her and took her hand.

"What are you building up here, girl? I hope you're not in love with me, Luke is gonna be crushed."

Seeing her so bubbly and happy as usual hurt so bad, I couldn't remember dreading saying something so much before. I waited for her to finish a cupcake and braced myself.

"Nat, I am so sorry. Your father passed away. He didn't make it through his surgery."

She stared at me wide-eyed and dumbfounded, mouth half open.

"He... what?"

I tightened my grasp on her hand and she instinctively did the same on mine.

"He is gone. They couldn't save him, his heart failed. Is there anything I can do for you?"

She let go of my hand and slowly got up. After pacing aimlessly through the kitchen she let out a loud sob and collapsed to the ground.

Oh God, what now? Do I go to her? Should I hold her? Should I give her some space?

She began to cry loudly, her face buried in her hands. I approached her and touched her shoulder. She shook her head in denial.

"Fuck, are you sure? Who told you?"

I put an arm around her back and she rested her face on my shoulder.

"Your mum called me. She is on her way with your brother and your aunt."

"I can't believe it. Damn, I never even considered he would die because of that, what the fuck?"

She hugged me so hard I felt the air being knocked out of my lungs.

"Thank you for the food, you know what's up."

She ate every single one of the remaining eleven cupcakes in one sitting.


I went to his funeral with her.

"Thank you so much for coming all the way here. You didn't even know him."

I held her hand.

"I love you, girl."

"I love you too, Ma."

She took months to go back to her usual self.