In this fifty-fifth review episode, Team RWBY will soon discover that dumb things come in small packages as they review the 1998 Joe Dante pseudo Toy Story-esque film Small Soldiers.
"Hello, I'm Ruby..."
"...I'm Yang..."
"...I'm Blake..."
"...and I'm Weiss."
Team RWBY all said, "We remember it so you don't have to."
"Remember the movie Toy Story?", Ruby asked, "About a little space man doll who thought he was a real space man? Well, what if that toy was violent, psychotic, devoid of fun, and would stop at nothing until everything he deemed a threat was massacred and/or totally destroyed? It'd be awesome, but very dark. Instead, we got Small Soldiers."
Team RWBY's Commentary of Small Soldiers (Part 1)
Ruby told, "Joe Dante, director of such hits as Gremlins, The Howling, and...actually, nothing else financially successful... returns to little creatures causing a riot throughout the town, except this time, it's with toys!"
"That's depressing.", saddened Yang, "This was also one of the earliest films from then newcomer studio, DreamWorks. And seeing how they have the habit of uglifying recent Disney hits, it only made sense to give Toy Story a shot. While by no means god-awful, it does make you wonder how its still creative idea from a creative director could get lost in a relatively forgettable script."
"I think the Burger King Rodeo Burger ad was more interesting than the movie it was based on!", bets Blake, "And about the Rodeo Burger btw, DEL-I-CIOUS!"
"So let's watch the film that couldn't live up to its fast food product which became a success in the BK menu. This is Small Soldiers!", prepared Weiss.
Small Soldiers
The leader of team RWBY began, "If you want an idea of how unfocused this movie is, just take a look at how confused even the logo appears to be.", before imitating the characters on the opening movie title, "'What?', 'We supposed to look threatening or something?', 'What are we doing?'", and summarizing, "We open up with a business called GloboTech, who spends most of its time making the same commentary RoboCop made, except for the Happy Meal demographic. So while military weapon maker, acted by Denis Leary, is playing entrepreneur owning a variety of companies, which, of course, naturally includes a toy making industry!"
"But toy creators named Irwin and Larry, played respectively by David Cross and Jay Mohr, aren't meeting the new president's big plans.", the elder sister of Ruby said as they watched the scene with Leary's character criticizing the toy creators on the commercial and ranting on about the other commercials, "Okay, is there just a way we can imagine all the Denis Leary rants into one during this scene?", as team RWBY thought of the scenes from Judgement Night, Demolition Man and an episode of Rescue Me with Denis Leary's rants, "So the president wants the toys to be alive, active, and violent, which I imagine would be doable for a guy who's dressed like Spike Spiegel."
"I'm pretty sure our friend Faye Valentine would be familiar with that character from Cowboy Bebop.", the female Faunus thought before the four heard the assistant in the movie tell the toy creators that her boss expects the products to be shipped in three months, "That's right. You only have three months to create life. Come on! It only took two days to make GigaPets. And even faster to wish they wouldn't be dead!", also still watching the same scene with the assistant giving the two security cards and secret passwords, with Irwin saying his is Gizmo; she imitates Larry by saying, "'Mine's "In-joke.'", synopsizing, "So, as the credits roll, we can't help but automatically look over our Joe Dante checklist. Rustic old town that looks like the '50s? Check. Whimsical Jerry Goldsmith score? Check. Dick Miller as a blue collar worker still unable to squint his eyes open? Check."
The Schnee heiress impressed, "There's plenty more along the way.", continuing, "And speaking of which, he comes across our normal good-looking boy, who, for some reason, will still be an outcast... A high-school Normal Good Looking Boy Who for some Reason is Still an Outcast named Alan. Check.", checking the trope off, "He's excited because he sees the new action toys, but knows his father, who owns a toy shop, won't want to sell anything violent.", watching the snippet of Alan talking to Joe in the movie that he promises to sell the new action toys as the latter eventually agrees, "Nice doing business with you, 12-year-old boy! I just gotta drop by Little Susie's Raggedy Ann drug ring. That shit sells fast!"
"Fortunately, somebody already has interest in the toys, including Timmy and his older sister Christy, who is played by an older-than Interview with the Vampire-but-not-old-enough-to-be-considered-hot-yet Kirsten Dunst.", Ruby states before spectating the part with the two and Alan looking at the Commando Elite action toys that he's selling with Christy saying he wouldn't be allowed to buy one and Timmy saying otherwise, "Didn't you hear? It's 'a lot' dollars!", resuming, "He promises to hold on to it for her and then goes home to his room surrounded in...let us guess...old sci-fi nostalgia? Check!", putting another check off the trope list, "You could make a bingo game out of this guy!"
Yang said as she saw the part with Alan taking the Archer action figure out of his bag as the toy makes his introduction, "By the way, that's Frank Langella as the leader of the Gorgonites because, you know, the last time he played Skeletor based on an action figure in Masters of the Universe, it worked out so well in his favor.", hearing Archer mistook Alan's name as 'Alan-now-shut-up', "I'm saying that when the Gorgonites do it, it's not illegal.", pointing out, "His enemy is Chip Hazard, played by Tommy Lee Jones, getting his team riled up by lighting their glowing crotches of power.", seeing another clip with the Chip action figure rallying his team when they become active in the toy store.
"The real funny thing is that in the Toy Story, the Gorgonites are designed to be the bad guys, and the Commandos designed to be the heroes...but listen to how these things talk!", Blake issues as she listened to the Gorgonite characters' voices in another snippet, "Sounds like a fucking killer to me! And we get the idea. Don't judge a book by its cover, appearances are deceiving- Heck, even the toymaker said he wanted the Gorgonites to be the good guys, but the point stands. They changed it so that the aliens would be the villains."
Weiss imagines, "So, from a marketing standpoint, would you ever guess that this soft-spoken, kind-eyed, fluffy-eared puppy dog was ever supposed to be the bad guy? Sometimes, appearances gotta make a little bit more sense."
The four soon imagined Winter and Cinder in a fantasy setting if their good and bad sides were switched despite having the same appearances with opposite demeanors.
"Greetings, I am the Winter Maiden, your terrifying villain for the evening.", Winter said in RWBY's imagination.
Then Cinder appeared in their imagination and said, "And I'm the Fall Maiden, your obvious hero here to save the day!"
"Oh, no! My freezing powers of evil are no match for your burning flames of peace!", the Winter Maiden spoke.
The Fall Maiden replied while conjuring a fireball, "Yeah, whatever; blow up or something.", just before Winter exploded due to the fireball Cinder threw at her, "PUT ME ON A CEREAL BOX!"
Soon the four members of team RWBY's imagining thoughts ended as Weiss said, "I rest my case."
"But the next morning, the toys have escaped and completely trashed the place.", the red-black-haired huntress said before imitating when Alan says to himself that he's in so much trouble, "I knew I shouldn't have fed them after midnight.", resuming afterwards, "But thankfully, Christy comes by to pick up the toys and sees Alan's predicament.", while the four saw a moment between Christy and Alan when the former assumes the latter moved due to getting kicked out in two different schools, "The music's indicating we should have a moment.", and then saying right after, "They clean up the place, but half the annoying parents from Transformers comes in to be, well, half the annoying parents from Transformers."
The blonde huntress also noted, "To make things worse, Alan also finds out that Christy has a boyfriend.", mocking as the boyfriend Brad during the scene they were watching, "Hi, I'm good-looking you. I only have three lines in the whole movie, but you can just assume I'm a douche.", and then mimicked Christy as she rides off with Brad on his motorcycle, "Don't worry, Alan; if there's anything these movies teach us, it's that pity dating always wins!", and soon reacting to a scene with Chip Hazard using a slingshot to send one of the Commandos to hold on to the string fired onto Alan's water bottle while he was biking, being dragged by it, "Well, we might as well start this up: The Scene's Clearly Ripping Off Toy Story."
"We already got the toys who thought they were real, now how about the dog chasing the toy trying to hold on to something moving on the road?", seeing the troop Brick Bazooka get caught in the bike's wheels and getting disassembled into pieces, "And, to top it all off...", the black-haired huntress referenced before they heard Chip say 'It's a small world after all', "Now, we don't think they technically said that in Toy Story, but it's totally Disney; I'm sure they snuck it in somewhere.", and soon describing the next snippet of the movie, "Meanwhile, Globotech is busy pushing their new line.", suddenly seeing a presumed giant Chip Hazard come into the conference room which shocks the four members of team RWBY, "G-G-G-GEEZUS!", before finding out it was only a mascot costume.
The white-haired huntress relieved, "Thank the gods the Rodeo Burger ad didn't have THAT in it!", then abstracting, "They figure out the chips put in those toys were actually munitions chips, which belonged to a division, of course, headed by Joe Dante checkoff number six, Robert Picardo. Check!", checking it off the trope list again as they observed the scene with Robert Picardo's character Ralph talking to the toy creators, "He's always so good at saving a mundane product you could just start every performance with 'Please state the cinematic emergency.'", telling the next part of the film, "But the Commandos have a plan to capture Archer in Alan's home.", seeing Chip use a light which temporarily blinds Archer while he was getting captured, "BRIGHT LIGHT! BRIGHT LIGHT!"
"And this, of course, brings us to Joe Dante checkoff number seven, Everything in the kitchen being a big scary weapon. Check!", said Ruby as she checked off another trope on their list, soon seeing one of the Commando toys Nick Nitro use a kitchen drill to wound his hand and a match as Alan grabbed him, blew out the match and destroys him with the garbage disposal, "HOLY CRAP, KID! I mean, we understand defending yourself, but he had a tiny kitchen drill and a match! Did he really deserve such a harsh punishment?"
The girls once again imagine yet again involving a toy cop threatening to use his mini handcuffs, until...
"I AM THE FALL MAIDEEEEEEEN!", yells Cinder as she used a fireball to destroy the toy cop, "I'M CHILD-FRIENDLY!"
After the four imagined this, Ruby then reconsiders uncertainly, "Maybe so...?", also saying when the parents come to the kitchen with the father asking what was happening, "'I'm so angry I'm ready NOT to believe you, no matter what you say!'", seeing the part with Alan trying to make the Archer toy talk as they imagined the frog croak sound effect from the One Froggy Evening cartoon.
"So, yeah, if you're wondering why the toy didn't talk earlier, get a load of this.", Yang figured as they witness Alan ask Archer why he didn't talk, the latter using a pre-recorded message of the former telling him to shut up; "Uh- Okay. Well, why the fuck didn't he say something when the kid told him to say something? I bet Archer is like, 'I must adhere to the lazy writing that conquered all nineties children's films.' And oh, you mean like the annoying comedic sidekick-", suddenly seeing the Gorgonite Insaniac spin from a garbage bin, "GODDAMN IT!", saying after seeing the scene with Insaniac, "Hey, it's Steve Buscemi if he mixed meth with Red Bull!"
Blake continued after seeing the rest of the Gorgonites and noticing a Gizmo keychain, "Oh, by the way... YES, you made Gremlins! Please stop reinforcing the idea that this movie is just Gremlins if they were toys! I mean... Are we gonna have a scene where the goofy characters do goofy things that don't, in any way, evolve the plot, but they're gonna show it anyway because the kids always seem to like it?", seeing said scene happen, much to their surprise before checking it off; "Yeah, we're sure this one is already checked off as you knew it was going to be in the movie even before it started. While we're at it, hello, toys watching ironic TV!"
The four girls soon watch a part where Alan tells the Gorgonites what's beyond the town, the highway and so on, much to the four girls' irritation.
"SHUT UP! What, are you working your way to a song?! This isn't even a musical!", Weiss angered before she soon calmed down and then described, "The Commandos figure out that Alan is attracted to Christy, so they manage to make their way into her home and plan on kidnapping her. They begin with her brother.", soon observing Timmy getting captured by Chip and the Commando toys, later seeing Christy open the closet door where he was in as she was unawarely putting laundry in the closet, "Hmm, typical sibling response.", summarizing, "Before she makes it upstairs, the Commandos decide to recruit her...very bizarre Barbie collection... Including Spartan Barbie, Yodeling Barbie, and...Fifty Shades of Grey Barbie?"
The leader of team RWBY reasons, "Okay- not that the existence of these Barbies isn't awesomely awesome but there are some pretty strange and specific outfits in here, especially the Fifty Shades one! I mean, why would anyone have such strange and peculiar...", shaking the thought off of it, "D'oh, we're sure we're reading too deep into it. I mean, we're sure this isn't anyone's weird, perverted fantasy-"
But their luck changed when the movie showed a mad laboratory-esque scene of the Commandos inserting chips into the Gwendy dolls, all undressed and making creepy laughter as they were now sentient.
Ruby, Yang, Blake and Weiss were all shocked.
Both sisters Ruby and Yang make a callback to their Foodfight review session, "Fet-ish-mo-vie.", the former exclaiming, "What the hell, Joe Dante? Are we gonna have to add Sexually Confused Arousal Therapy to the checklist? This is pretty fucked up!"
Yang continued, "I mean-okay, we can understand ripping them apart and putting the chips in; we get it. It's what you gotta do to control the toys and everything, but... WHY THE HELL aren't their clothes put back on? No, really, we want a reason for that! WHY THE HELL aren't their clothes put back on?! There's no reason for these things to be walking around practically naked with nothing on! In fact, it actually would've looked funnier if there were all those strange-looking deformed Barbies in these weird outfits as well! But instead, it just comes across as...uncomfortably creepy."
"We're sorry; we need a minute. We... We gotta research what the hell is wrong with this guy!", Blake and Weiss said un unison as they decided, the former pulling out her Scroll to do some research for the moment while Ruby and Yang go for another bathroom break.
Ruby said, "We'll take a break.", as she and Yang head off for the minute.
To be continued...
