Team RWBY's Commentary of Small Soldiers (Part 2 - Final)

After Ruby and Yang come back from the bathroom in their dorm during their short break, they saw Blake and Weiss still researching on the former's Scroll for the moment, the former asked their teammates, "Any luck?"

"Well, there's nothing controversial about Joe Dante we could find. Maybe that's his way of Tim Burton-esque directing.", Blake theorized.

Weiss facepalmed, "There's no telling how bad it would be if we came up with an abbreviation for this kind of trope..."

"We can't say for sure...", Yang sighed.

Ruby initiated, "Let's move on.", the red-black-haired huntress continuing by starting the second part of their Small Soldiers review, "Christy gets tangled up in this kinky insanity, so the boyfriend tries to come in and save her.", as she and her three teammates saw the Gwendy dolls attack the boyfriend Brad in the film and making comments, "Isn't it funny that even though they had a Spartan soldier, an Egyptian queen, and an astronaut, they still all talk like dumb valley girls from the '50s? I bet one of their remarks would be like, 'Like, oh, my god, this is totally Sparta!'", soon witnessing Chip scolding Brad for harming the Gwendy dolls as the Commando toy Butch Meathook used a flamethrower to light Brad's pant on fire as he stumbled down the stairs.

"Yes, you just open up their breasts, strip them naked, and force them to be your mindless sex minions... Seriously!", Yang assumes before the four saw the tied up Chip telling the tied-up Christy that they're all scared and that she has to be crazy not to be scared in a chilling manner; this uneases the four as the blonde huntress said, "Okay... What the hell kind of movie did this become? I mean, I thought this was like 'oh, no, stop the toys; oh, they're so cute, ha-ha-ha'! No, this is serious fuck-ass-shit-ass-fuck! Was nobody getting creeped out while they were filming this?! Did nobody ever question how fucking bizarre this scene was?!"

Blake shook her head, "We wouldn't even imagine what the director's vision was like in this scene...", synopsizing after, "They send a ransom video to Alan and threaten to kill her off if they don't hand over the Gorgonites. But Alan has a plan to, in keeping with the theme of the movie, rip off Toy Story to get inside!", watching the excerpt of Archer rocketing and parachuting to the chimney of Christy's house and then seeing Alan come to Christy's room and helping her, "I wonder if Christy is like, 'It's okay! I'm just prepping for the Sam Raimi movies! I get the feeling I'm gonna be in this predicament a lot!'", before they saw the Gwendy dolls attack Alan with one saying he is a bad boy and he must be punished.

Team RWBY was shocked again.

"Fet-", Yang attempted to say but shook the thought off, "You know.", all the while Christy in the movie helps destroy the Gwendy dolls with her baton and saying she always hated them.

Weiss had a confused look when she heard this, "...Then, why the hell do you collect them?", shrugging with a 'Huh?' gesture; she then mimicked when Christy said to Alan that he saved her as they kissed, "'Uh, didn't you have a boyfriend?', 'Yeah, but he ran away after being set on fire. Pfft! What a wimp!'", and also noted when seeing Christy help defeat one of the Commandos who threatened Alan during the next battle sequence, "Uh... Okay, she's kidnapped, then she's saving. She's afraid, then she's laughing. She have a girly room with a peace poster, but a solid black Led Zeppelin poster right next to it. Can she just pick an identity?"

"Like Alan, who got kicked out of two schools and yet does absolutely nothing that would cause trou...ble...", realized the leader of team RWBY before pointing out, "She should be like him!", and seemingly climaxed, "So they have a great big chase; they finally outsmart them and the Commandos blow up in a fiery explosion...finally bringing this plastic mess to a close.", watching the presumed conclusion of the action sequence as she consummated, "And that was Small Soldiers, and let me tell you: It's got some big problems."

That was when they started making their closing thoughts...

Ruby shared her opinion, "While it was bad, I do have to give it credit that it was at least a short mov...", before discovering the movie was still going, "Wait, why is it still going?"

"Hold on a second. The Chip character somehow still survived and is building another army?", the elder sister of Ruby questioned, "How much longer is this movie?", before checking the timestamp to find only a half-hour of the movie left, "30 minutes?! We have 30 minutes left to go?! What else do you have to do? Show Frodo going to the Great Havens? No, apparently, the kids have to explain to their parents how, of course, the toys were alive. One of those parents, played by Phil Hartman, as this was sadly his final film around the time of his death, also the same year as when he dubbed as Jiji in the English dub of Kiki's Delivery Service."

The female Faunus reminded, "Better yet, he should say, 'You may remember me from such family bit parts as Kiki's Delivery Service, Pee-Wee's Playhouse, and the eternal classic Jingle All the Way!'", and soon overhearing Phil Hartman's character not believing the toys being alive and asking if a blue fairy with a talking cricket comes by, "Oh, great, now they're stealing from A.I. and Pinocchio.", abstracting right after, "They finally see that the dolls are alive and even get a visit from the toymakers. But Chip gets a whole truckload of other soldiers, and apparently not even one of them being another Chip doll...because, you know, that'd be funny...and they attack the house.", while they saw Alan, Christy and their parents defend the house from the Commando toys as they battle.

"You know what's funny? For all the action, drama, and suspense that's supposed to be going on here, all we can think about is how much we really want a Rodeo Burger! I mean, it's amazing! It was onion rings, it was barbecue sauce, it was cheese. I heard it's already on the menu; seriously, check it out!", the Schnee heiress craved while the four continue watching the film as she outlined, "They figure out an idea about jamming the electric transformer magnetic science-ty fuck and decide to put it into motion. And if you have any doubt that this movie was tired and has no new ideas whatsoever, listen to these lines. Literally, every single one of them is a cliche. It's kind of amazing!"

Ruby climaxed, "So Archer goes into the DANGER ZONE! And gives Alan time to activate this science-y thingy.", witnessing Alan grab Chip and say 'Have I got a shock for you...you stupid toy!', before electrocuting him; "That's your badass finishing line, huh? You stupid toy? There was no other scorchers you could've thought up at that moment? Like, 'I don't like you!', or 'You stupey-head!', or... '...NYAAAH!'", and then says, "So Alan's about to get axed, but Christy comes in to save the day before the EMP is enacted."

"Yeah, well, two kisses would've thrown me off, too.", sheepishly told Yang and resumes, "The next morning, Leary comes in to patch things up and the Gorgonites manage to get away without anybody noticing.", imitating in the last scene with Archer saying his farewells to Alan before going off with the other Gorgonites in search of their home, "We must sail to Toy Valhalla, where we will hunt the mighty squirrel along the banks of the great creek!"

Blake guessed, "And what's the finishing line this movie goes out on? We don't know, they stole one from every popular movie in existence. How about one from Titanic?", as they heard the Gorgonite Slamfist say that he hopes they don't hit an iceberg.

"High note. You went out on a high note. Or was it an incredibly dated and lame note? Either way, it's not very good.", finished Weiss.

The four of them finally make their opinions on the film at last.

Ruby verdicted, "It's not the worst or anything; it just seems like it's a little...confused. Does it want to be a kids' film with an edge or an adult film with a child-like innocence?"

"We don't know, and I don't think the film does either. Nothing really stands out about it because it's clear what it's trying to be like. Toy Story, Gremlins, every other status-quo kids film at the time.", Yang declared.

Blake exampled, "And because of this, it's just kind of boring and standard...except for a few choice scenes. The bottom line? It's probably not best to take something marketed as innocent and cute and make it torturous and scary."

"And you can bet, there's nobody that's gonna put me through a similar experience like this ever again.", hoped Weiss.

"I'm Ruby..."

"...I'm Yang..."

"...I'm Blake..."

"...and I'm Weiss."

"We remember it so you don't have to.", team RWBY said in unison as they left their commentary chairs.

The four of them went to the bunk beds as Ruby said, "And now, time for a nap...", exhaustingly as the four lie down and drifted off to sleep...

End of Team RWBY's Commentary of Small Soldiers

Up Next: Team RWBY's Commentary of The Lorax (2012)