In this fifty-seventh review episode, Team RWBY reviews the nostalgically whimsical 2007 Disney flick, Bridge to Terabithia, which may harbor some emotional elements from within...
"Hello, I'm Ruby..."
"...I'm Yang..."
"...I'm Blake..."
"...and I'm Weiss."
"We remember it so you don't have to.", team RWBY said in unison.
Ruby began, "Well, we're not one to disagree with people's opinions...which is why we have to review a classic Disney flick. This is Bridge to Terabithia."
Team RWBY's Commentary of Bridge to Terabithia
"Based on the beloved children's novel from the 70s, Disney decided to use this story as a means of realizing that their family death toll is a little too high...at least in age. We can kill 'em younger, can't we? Isn't that our goal? To show kids what a beautiful world it is by making them realize death can take it away from them at any moment? We'd be shocked, actually.", Ruby said, before preparing, "But to be fair, that's not the only reason to find it underwhelming. The others? Well, let's take a look at Bridge to Terabithia."
Bridge to Terabithia
Yang starts off, "We open with our main character named Jess, played by Josh Hutcherson, who lives next to a greenhouse run by his father, Robert Patrick, still upset he'll never be allowed to do a role as good as the T-1000. But at least he's been working on his Red Green impression.", watching a short clip with Robert Patrick's character named Jack before continuing, "Jess is getting ready to participate in a track race today. The only downside? He doesn't have the right shoes.", seeing Jess' mother Mary saying he threw his shoes out and suggests using his sister's shoes with Jess complaining the particular shoes are for girls.
"Oh, come on. Just write Friendship is Magic on the side, and at least the Bronies will leave you alone.", Blake remarked before seeing Jess stare at an ant on the table while the family was talking, "Wow. Apparently, the movie's already so bored, it decided to follow an ant. That's a bad sign.", worryingly saying this and resuming, "But Jess's plan to cover up his shoes doesn't work as the stock bully gang is ready to pounce on him.", watching the two bullies Scott and Gary sit behind Jess and start taunting him by pretending to have a loser detector, "Um...zing?"
Weiss then imitated when Gary says to Jess that he's dead meat, "Huh-huh. I hold my insults towards after-school specials of the 80s.", reasoning, "Actually, this does bring up one of the major problems with the movie. The book was written in the 70s, which is fine. But if you're gonna update to present day, you have to do exactly that. Update it. And some of the dialogue here is clearly very dated. I mean, when's the last time you ever heard a kid say dead meat? But this kid acts like it's the holy grail of insults that nobody will ever be able to top him on. He's obsessed with the phrase."
"We then see the entrance of our other lead Leslie, played by AnnaSophia Robb, who I swear is the first human being to be physically photoshopped to look like a plastic Disney product. I'm serious! Look at her! Just make a toy out of that face! It'll sell!", proved the leader of team RWBY as the girls saw Leslie's appearance, "She's like a complement of lesser child stars to create the ultimate in Disney uncanniness, not to offend. I can't even imagine what the Disney Princesses have in mind to take away all her enchanted perfections...", shaking the thought off and then saying, "But is she just as perfect and endearing as the other Disney female leads? Does this movie like to dress their heroines like an imploding Punky Brewster?"
The girls then see Jess and Leslie competing in a relay race as the latter was starting to beat him first as she gained more speed than him, with the elder sister of Ruby mimicking Jess, "But wait! I'm wearing girls' shoes! Shouldn't I, like, absorb their power?", before describing, "So it turns out Leslie lives right next door to Jess. But he doesn't let that quirky nothing-wrong-with-herness get the best of him, as he's got the hots for someone else, who is a teacher named Ms. Edmunds, played by Zooey Deschanel.", seeing the teacher and students sing the song Why Can't We Be Friends, "Um... Are you sure this movie wasn't meant to be called Bridge to Non-Offensia? This world is so blandly upbeat, I'd swear it was a gum commercial.", but not before it showed Leslie offering Jess a stick of Juicy Fruit gum.
"...Really, Disney? You don't have enough money for backing that you had to go to Juicy Fruit?", the female Faunus imagines and then abstracted, "While Jess still has the hots for 500 Days of Blandness, he does find his interest in Leslie does seem to grow as he finds out more about her, especially when the teacher calls her up to read a paper she's very fond of entitled...", hearing the teacher read the paper's title being Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, "Wow! Um... this reading brought to you by the Incredibly Ironic Institute of Pulling at Your Collars Going Nyo-ho-ho-ho!", then seeing Leslie read her paper with the four huntresses listening carefully, "Oh, come on! This is like John Bobbitt's favorite song being Walk Like a Man!"
The Schnee heiress questioned as they saw Jess imagining bubbles come out from Leslie's mouth whilst she read her paper, "Uhhh, what does his father grow in his greenhouse again?", then suggesting, "Actually, this would be an interesting idea if he fantasized like this, as the credits make it look like that's actually sort of the angle they're going for. Like maybe his drawing is the visual style of his fantasy. But strangely enough, the rest of the movie is done with 3D CGI. So this is the only time this style is ever used. Yeah. Kind of inconsistent, huh? It's like if, for some reason, we change up styles to reflect something like Frank Miller. It'd be cool living in a world with the style of that or Zack Snyder, but still!"
"He starts to hang out with Leslie more and more, and they find they have quite the rapport. And by rapport, I mean she says something enchanting and he stares at her with awe.", told Ruby as Leslie and Jess were at a treehouse while winds blew in the forest, both smile and the film's whimsical score was heard, "We'd name those expressions as whimsical digestion. Those painful moments where a character has to reflect on just how wondrous the movie they're in is.", continuing as Leslie challenged Jess in another race in the forest before running, "Come on! Over here is a moment anyone not going through a midlife crisis would find pointlessly endearing!", reacting when the two run on a grassy road with the four running in place in their seats to pretend they're running, "Oh-ho! Running's magical!", before the two come across a rope hanging from a tree to swing across.
Yang mentioned, "With foreshadowing music like that, I think we could call it the death rope.", as the four witness Jess swinging on the rope as enchantingly whimsical music plays, "Okay. Even as enchanted moments go, this is really pushing it. It's a friggin' rope! When you look back on childhood, you might see this as something more remarkably innocent, but when you're a kid...it's a friggin' rope!", seeing Leslie go back to Jess after using the rope and letting him use it, "Well, maybe Jess can pop some sense into her overly whimsical ways-", before they saw Jess swing on the rope while the whimsicalmusic turned tearjerkingly epic, "Oh, come on! Is fucking everything gonna be like this? Is every little mundane thing gonna be an incredible adventure of laugh and whimsy? Imagine if we did every little mundane thing like this!"
The girls then had a thought in their mind when saying this...
In Team RWBY's imagination, she imagines the scene's musical score playing as Ruby was smiling in a whimsical digestive manner...
...but it reveals that Ruby was on the toilet, using it as her expression stayed the same.
Outside, Nora and Pyrrha were waiting outside for the bathroom as the latter said, "Come on, Ruby! We really have to go..."
"But it's so whimsical in here!", enchanted Ruby from inside the bathroom.
Nora politely said, "I don't want to be mean, but could you live your childhood fantasies elsewhere?"
Ruby then finishes up as she flushes and left the bathroom.
"You guys are so not enchanting.", underwhelms Ruby.
Nora then quickly went into the bathroom before Pyrrha did, much to her shock.
The whimsical music is heard again as Pyrrha moaned, "Oh, come on!"
"Weeeeeeeee!", Nora cheered from inside the bathroom.
After this thought, the girls resumed their review.
Blake then said, "So Leslie, being so inspiringly wow, suggests that they make up their own little world.", hearing Leslie suggest they should think of the possibility of making their own kingdom, "One we can use a ton of false advertising to trick Narnia fans into seeing.", while Jess catches up with Leslie after she gets his attention and goes deeper into the forest as the tone was starting to become a bit unsettling, "Help! Your talk of obvious fictional worlds in a public forest during the incredibly sunny daytime is scaring me!", then imitating after the four saw Jess and Leslie imagine the beautiful landscape of the titular fantasy setting Terabithia, "I wonder if Leslie would say, 'I'm so perfect and inspired, I came up with that fitting name in one try. I also have an idea for a young adult series that rips off Battle Royale.'"
"'Sounds trite.', Jess might say too.", bets Weiss, "Leslie continues to make up details about her fictional world. But is it me or is her dedication sounding less charming and more psychotically specific?", watching more of the movie with the two discussing their imagination of Terabithia while the girls felt a bit disturbed at some point, "Yeah...maybe a little too into our little world, aren't we?", continuing after spectating more clips of the scene afterwards, "Why do I see years later a very disturbing reunion when they meet up again? I do not want to think about it."
Ruby, Yang and Blake simply answer, "So do we.", agreeingly.
To be continued...
