A/N: This two-chapter-long review episode acts as a prelude for the seven-chapter-long Season 3 midseason finale, coming in a few more chapters, since I'm announcing that Season 3 of this story will be split into two parts with two huge story arc events in the midseason and in the season finale, leading up to 150 chapters at the end of the planned season.
In this sixtieth review episode and taking place on the same day as the previous chapter with the Waterworld review, Team RWBY, Athena Cykes, Cameron MacCloud, Yume and Baiken review the 2000 lackluster fantasy movie based on the tabletop role-playing game, Dungeons and Dragons.
BEACON ACADEMY
APRIL 22, 2022
Hours after spending time together around Vale after their Waterworld review, like doing karaoke and having sushi together in the city, Ruby, Yang, Blake, Weiss, Athena, Cameron, Yume and Baiken return to Beacon Academy when it was getting dark, deciding to review one more movie back in RWBY's dorm before calling it a night.
"Hello, I'm Ruby..."
"...I'm Yang..."
"...I'm Blake..."
"...and I'm Weiss."
"We're here with our friends Athena Cykes, Cameron MacCloud, Yume and Baiken. We remember it so you don't have to.", the four members of team RWBY said in unison.
Ruby told, "Guys...you are in for a treat. This is one of those special, special films that only comes around once in a while. A film that should make us angry to our BOILING POINTS, but is just so awful, it's pretty much wonderful. It is a wonderful movie. I'm so anxious to get to it, I don't even wanna waste any time! So...this is Dungeons and Dragons!"
Team RWBY, Athena Cykes, Cameron MacCloud, Yume and Baiken's Commentary of Dungeons and Dragons (2000) (Part 1)
"Much like The Room, Troll 2, or the endless library of Schwarzenegger movies, Dungeons and Dragons is one of those rare films that simply gets everything wrong. The casting is wrong, the writing is wrong, the story is wrong, the effects are wrong!", Yang speculated.
Blake simply added, "There's plenty of wrong to go around. And this strange combination somehow turns out a beautiful, beautiful butterfly of absolute horribleness."
"It's a bad film of epic proportions, and we're gonna look at it today. Get ready to slap your head in confusion until it goes numb, this is Dungeons and Dragons.", Weiss excited.
Dungeons and Dragons (2000)
The leader of team RWBY introduced, "So after we see the company that will ironically release the Lord of the Rings trilogy from 2001 to 2003, New Line Cinema, we get some opening narration.", as they heard the narrator mention the Empire of Izmer had been a divided land ruled by the mages, "Already, we're confused.", and also hearing that those without magic were no less than slaves, "And already I don't care. It's pretty impressive for under one minute.", continuing, "So we get our first shot of Izmer as we venture into the secret lair of our villain..."
"We have a feeling that something hilarious is going to happen.", Baiken felt.
Athena agreed, "A very particularly over-the-top performance, that is..."
"THERE he is! Jeremy Irons! Give him a round of applause, everybody! He's going to bring us so much joy in this hour and a half!", cheered the blonde huntress, "He could give us some lines like, 'You're an attractive scepter, aren't you?'", and soon saying as they saw Profion chanting a spell and using magic, "Oh, wait, oh, wait! We've seen this! Then Mickey Mouse comes out and steals his big pointy hat, and... Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry, that's another over-the-top cartoon."
Cameron nodded, "Yep. The Sorcerer's Apprentice. That was an amazing segment in Fantasia.", before they saw Profion obtain a scepter and is delighted.
The female Faunus said, "Oh, boy. It's going to be one of those non-acting days, isn't it?", then seeing slaves turning a wheel and activating a mechanism, causing the girls to imagine the monks from Monty Python and the Holy Grail chanting over the scene.", before she tries to hold in her laughter when the gate opens to show a dragon, "I think they got this dragon on loan...", and then noticing Profion's henchman Damodar come into view and having blue lipstick on his lips, "Uh, you got a little something there..."
"Hey, the makeup looks good.", Yume mentioned.
The eight girls then laughed to Jeremy Irons' acting while he says 'Use every OUNCE of your rage!' and making his 'yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ts' sound when using his scepter to control the dragon.
The Schnee heiress mimicked, "I bet he's like, 'Alright, now you're pouty! Give me pouty! You're a very pouty dragon! Yes! Now give me sassy! Oh, you're so sassy! Yes! Oh, you're a dirty little kitty, aren't you? Yat-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta...'", pretending to do her hand gesture, which Ruby and Yang did when they helped Cameron with her Child's Play 3 review back during the social event in the past year, "So this delightful dish of ham and cheese is our villain, the evil sorcerer Profion.", rethinking on his name, "Profion. Hmm. Sort of sounds like a heartburn medication, doesn't it?"
"That would make a great commercial.", bets Athena.
Ruby summarized, "But his scepter doesn't work for very long and thus, they have to kill the dragon.", as the gate fell on the dragon's neck after Profion loses control of the dragon, which killed it; "No! I am the last one!", and soon said, "The dragon's blood leaks into the river, which causes it to suddenly catch fire because...dragon's blood does that. And then again, that reminds me of Dota: Dragon's Blood!"
"Oh, yes. That is a great show.", Baiken awed.
Cameron fistbumped her samurai friend, "Damn straight it is!"
"And we are sad to say, that we are then introduced to our two main heroes. A couple of thieves named Ridley, played by Justin Whalin, and Snails, played by Marlon Wayans. You'll never believe he was casted for the part after making a slew of bad films in his career...", Yang informed, "After talking about breaking into the Magic School to steal some supplies, we see that a meeting is going on between Profion and the Big Council of Who-Gives-A-Fuck."
Blake also says, "They discuss what is to be done with the controversial views of the Empress.", as they heard Profion say the Empress' views of the injustices of the land while one of the council members say young people speak from the heart and not on the mind, "Ouch. Okay, let's hear from the side that's defending the Empress-", realizing, "Oh, that was her side.", continuing to see the part where Profion overact and wins the respect of the council members, "Give us Barabbas! Barabbas!", and also synopsized, "We then cut to the Empress, played by Thora Birch, discussing why her ideas are being tossed aside and why she is being called the president of the fantasy world.", observing said scene.
"She really does make a great princess.", Yume considered.
Weiss discussed, "Yeah, you can see her memorizing her lines from Ghost World right now. This role is just to work off a speeding ticket.", before a jump cut to another scene with Profion was shown which startles the eight, then complaining about Damodar's appearance and sighing, "Is this guy just on an all-Smurf diet?! Seriously, what's with the toothpaste constantly on his lip?", seeing the rest of Profion's scene before resuming, "So we then cut to the Library of the Magic School, and thus enters our hot nerdy chick for the evening named Marina, played by Zoe McLellan.", as they watch Marina talk to Vildir of her desires to do more than shelve books.
"Yes, my Disney princess heart is just begging for something more! I want adventure in the great wide somewhere...", mimicked the red-black-haired huntress before the girls heard Vildir tell Marina to fetch him magical wings, "Oh, that's all the development I get, huh? ...Okay. Off I go.", then describing, "So Ridley and Snails break into the school and look for something to steal. Now, I'm betting that he's gonna just catch him and absolutely nothing is gonna go wrong at all-", before seeing Snails let go of Ridley and he falls to the floor, "OHHH! Way to play with my expectations, good sirs! Well done, gentlemen. Well done. I think that calls for a very affectionate Wah-wah.", as they play a clip from Joker with the trumpeter making a 'waa-waa' sound.
Cameron responds, "That sure sums it up."
"Yep.", Baiken sternly replied to her friend.
The blonde huntress said, "But Marina finds the two and tries to capture them.", spectating her noticing them as they try to escape but she uses a spell to rope them together, "Experitus Comic-relief-tus!", and then hearing Marina say to the two she'd have a feeble mind spell on herself to want to take them home, "...Snap?", describing next, "So they're literally roped into the situation as Slurpy-Lip here tries to get some information out of the wizard.", also witnessing Damodar demanding Vildir of the scroll's location as the latter refuses that he'd never give him the information, "You know, you got something on your-", just before Damodar kills him by snapping his neck.
"Well, guess this henchman will never know about his lipstick.", shrugged Athena.
Yume nodded, "So much for that."
"The bad guys are looking for a map that leads to a magic scepter that apparently can control red dragons, but Marina gets it in time and uses the portal from Sliders to escape, dragging the thieves with her.", synopsized the black-haired huntress while the three heroes in the movie escape and run into a pile of garbage, "Come on, you just ran into that garbage! You could see it coming a mile away!", and saw the dwarf in the film named Elwood come into the scene by appearing out of the garbage pile, "Hey-hey! It's the missing seventh dwarf, Smelly.", soon seeing Damodar catching up with them and shooting an arrow which knocks off Elwood's helmet which caused him to make an odd yet hilarious wail.
The white-haired huntress confused, "Uh, do dwarves' helmets stop them from having epileptic seizures? Seriously, him and Darkheart should get together and be clucking buddies!", next telling, "Marina and the thieves bring the dwarf with them and escape through the sewers. But the Captain of the Guard says with great speed what he wants his men to do!", spectating Damodar telling his men to post bridges at every sewer entrance and exit and demands he wants them found now, with the eight girls seeing this part looking confused, "Um, you know, sir, if you said your orders a little faster, we could get them done a little quicker. By the way, you got something on your..."
"In other words, what is that supposed to mean?", exasperated Cameron about the scene they saw.
Ruby soon told, "So the Captain puts out a Wanted poster for…The Little Mermaid, but our heroes blend into their environment by wearing incredibly suspicious black clothes that no one seems to be wearing.", resuming as they saw a fast swoop camera shot upwards of a castle for the third time, "Meanwhiiiiiii-", shouting in anger at that moment, "WILL YOU STOP MOVING THE CAMERA, GODDAMNIT?! We can't help but notice this kind of camera shot in a few scenes earlier! WHO THE FUCK'S SHOOTING THIS? A DRUNK GEORGE JETSON?!", calming down afterwards, "Anyways, the Blue M&M Damodar here tells Profion why the heroes got away.", just as Damodar apologizes for his failures and Profion zaps his henchman which causes him to make goofy expressions as many scary spells were done upon him.
"Whoa-hey, I don't like the weird things in my head making me do the weird faces and things! Oh-hoy! Now it's going to the nether regions! Not a fan! Not a fan! Doy, maybe if I make some weird creepy faces, the thing will leave my nether regions alone and I will be happy again! D'oh, no! Now I'll never be able to wear a hat and I needed to govern my incredibly bald head and what not! Freundlaven, I'm Mr. Clean!", Yang imitated during this part and soon seeing Profion hold Damodar's head close to his cheek, "How much you wanna bet that's their Christmas card? I bet it should say, 'Season's Greetings! From Profion and Baldy. Please don't ask why his lipstick is smeared.'"
Baiken said, "That's a strange Christmas card to have for the holidays..."
Blake continued the story, "So our heroes take cover in the most non-suspicious tavern that the city has.", imagining the Cantina song from Star Wars playing over the tavern segment of the movie, "Our main characters look over the map and seem to really get into it. REALLY get into it.", before seeing Ridley and Marina get transported into the map, "Hey-hey! Two down, two more to go!", and then finds out Damodar was outside the tavern in the movie, "Oh, hey, look, Chapstick here is about to sneak into the place. Do you think you can say your orders a little faster, seeing how time is of the essence?", as they heard Damodar tell his minions to not let them escape or else they would suffer a fate much worse than he had, as the eight girls looked fed up by his slow speech.
"Don't make me pucker my lips any more!", Weiss mocked Damodar during the scene, "So he enters the place and finds the people he's looking for.", but not until they heard Damodar in the film tell his minions to wait, "Wait? Wait for what? They're right there! Just snag them!", and saw Elwood flip over a table which causes a commotion in the tavern which makes Damodar tell his minions to attack and pursue them, "Oh, it's a good thing you waited those couple of seconds, or else it would have been a lot harder to let them escape!"
Athena lectured, "You know what they say. Now is better than never."
"So Ridley and Marina get out of the map, and he informs Snails that he's agreed to help her find the scepter, which is weird, considering how a few seconds ago, she wanted them to leave and now, she can't imagine doing the mission without them.", the leader of team RWBY said as Snails asks his friend Ridley how he could do something like this before finding out the two may be in a relationship and freaking out, "I don't even get it. What was he indicating when he was pointing at them? Does he think they had sex while they were in the map? Is that even doable? We mean, granted, map sex may sound pretty strange, but we would hold off!"
Cameron and Yume shook her head, "It's best if we don't know, guys."
"For sure.", team RWBY told.
To be continued...
