warning: violence


The pain was blinding. I never thought I would ever be in such excruciating pain for so goddamn long in my whole life, not even in the few times when I contemplated giving birth somewhere in the future. That pain was something my imagination could never come up with, it was more than just intense – it was also unrelenting. I could feel Alec carrying me and touching me, I could hear him speaking, I could even see him, but I couldn't comprehend or process anything past that pain. Everything else was pushed back, nothing but a faint echo in the background of the deafening noise of those flames licking me from inside out.

I think I begged him. I think I promised him that I would do anything he wanted, no matter how horrid and deranged it was, as long as he at least lessened the pain. It didn't even have to disappear, I just wanted a little less of it so I could at least understand my own thoughts.

He mumbled something, or maybe he yelled it; I wouldn't know. The pain never stopped or diminished, he never made it better. He chose to let it take me, knowing exactly how horrific and maddening it was. He simply stayed with me through it all, watching as I suffered.

It is really incredible how we can get used to the most awful of situations with time. When that pain first hit me my entire world was swallowed completely and nothing else existed for me. Time seemed to stand still as I felt like the pain would never go away and nothing was happening outside of my own body, the whole planet just vanishing from my perception as my senses were abducted by the fire. With time, however, I started to get used to it in the strangest of ways. It was still a hell pit where I had been thrown into but I could see and feel through it, if only just a little bit. I started to catch glimpses of Alec's eyes boring into mine, I could hear his voice and other people's voices a little clearer even if I couldn't make out all of their words. But that small piece of reality was still unreliable as my brain threw up all sorts of odd, random memories into it. I couldn't completely trust what I could see or hear since a part of it was very obviously made up of hallucinations.

The most insistent of them was that of a goat floating in the middle of the dark room to which Alec took me. I saw him with various different people over the course of an unknown period of time and that goat would flash in and out of the scene, always floating in the air. For a while I had no idea why it would appear and it would do nothing. It just stood there, floating and staring at me, giving me a foreboding sense of dread.

Eventually the sight of the goat would follow a weird sound that seemed to come from everywhere. It was a familiar sound, one that I knew I had heard before many times, and that almost sounded like music. But there was no instrument anywhere in the room, there was just Alec and many different vampires that would come and go, some that I had met and some that I hadn't. And that awful flying goat.

"This is the end of day two." Alec said at some point and I felt overjoyed that I understood him.

I realised then that I could understand him better because I was no longer screaming. I never even noticed that I had stopped. When I tried to answer him my throat burnt and I wasn't sure that any words came out, but he told me what I wanted to know so I must have managed to spit something out.

"Probably tomorrow."

I wanted to beg him to make the pain stop again but as soon as I thought of it the weird sound that preceded the appearance of the goat reached my ears. He talked about the sound instead.

"No, I don't hear it."

I looked over his shoulder and there it was, the goat was watching me again as I thrashed and turned on the ground.

What does it want? Where did it come from?

"There is no goat, love. You're imagining it."

But it was right there. I was looking at it as he spoke and it was looking right back at me, with its demonic red eyes and its feet a few centimetres above the ground, swaying like a flag in the wind. It was waiting, preparing itself to get me. I had to leave the room, outrun it somehow.

"I'm right here. Nothing is going to attack you."

For the first time the goat opened its mouth and spoke. Its voice was as deep as the depths of hell I imagined it came from and it said only two words, intoned like a warning:

"Undead hunter."

Its mouth stretched impossibly, its jaw went all the way to the floor. Its eyes glowed like traffic lights in the night and it advanced, slowly and surely. My mind could only throw one explanation for that behaviour at me and I ate it up hungrily.

The goat is coming for you, it's going to devour you, bones and all.

I saw Alec speaking again but I could no longer hear him. I could be screaming, drowning out the sound of his voice, or I could be overwhelmed enough that his voice just didn't reach me. I watched as the goat advanced with its mouth open until it lunged at me, swallowing me whole.

Bones and all.


I thought I had blacked out. I didn't know for how long or if it was Alec finally cutting me off instead of my body being unable to take it any longer until I heard Jane from a distance.

"She seems almost done now. You're being petty."

"Perhaps. But she deserves it."

Someone crouched beside me.

"Yeah, it's almost over."

Who is it? I don't think I know this voice.

"We all had to endure it, why not her?" The same voice asked quite bitterly. "After all the trouble, no less."

"Precisely." That was Alec.

I felt pretty pissed at him in the middle of all the physical suffering.

Where is the goat? It must have choked me up or someone opened its belly to take me out.

"What is this nonsense about this blasted goat?" The stranger spoke again.

"She is just confused."

"You really chose to stand here all this time listening to some blabbering about a goat rather than knocking her out? Wow. That's commitment to revenge."

"She looks quite pretty when she cries. The yelling was also nice while it lasted."

Some laughter, a few different voices mixing in the air. There were more people in the room, I noticed. Much more than I thought at first.

"Can you hear us, Marina?" I don't know if I answered. "You're close now."

It was another unfamiliar voice, a calmer one. Smooth and soothing, verging on uninterested. The fire in my veins seemed to be increasing as if to confirm his words to me.

How much longer? How much worse still? Haven't I suffered enough?

"Not much longer," the same male voice said.

I opened my eyes. I didn't know they were closed until I tried to open them but it made sense that they were, since I couldn't see anything. My vision was blurred though and I was moving so much that I wouldn't be able to actually see anything anyway. I was still on the floor, clutching to myself and crying softly but constantly. My face was dry.

Where are my tears?

The fire began its crescendo and I found myself screaming again. The venom was finally reaching its final destination, after what felt like an eternity in hell. It got worse and worse until I believed I would pass out again, or maybe throw up, and my heart began to flutter like I never thought it even could until it exploded and burst out of my chest.

The blurry room disappeared for a moment before it came back into focus. My breath, so unstable and loud, started to steady. My overwhelmed senses were suddenly functioning perfectly. Much better than ever before, in fact. Everything that enveloped me and stood between me and the rest of the world was abruptly lifted like the vanishing sound of an orchestra at the inclosing hand of the maestro. I carefully hoisted myself up, sitting and looking around.

I saw everything clearly for the first time in my life. Every single particle, every little nuance of shade and colour, every strand of hair… and I heard clearly for the very first time, too. I looked up, startled, when I heard footsteps coming from above like someone was stomping on the floor right over my head, in the immediate superior level. I squinted at the only light in the room - a chandelier hanging from the ceiling - when its light hit my eyes. It was a very dim light and yet everything was so bright.

"Marina."

I winced at the sound of my name and instinctively turned to the person calling me. Marcus was looking down on me expectantly and I recognised his voice as the soothing one I heard before and didn't know who it belonged to. He smiled encouragingly, though it looked forced and oddly misplaced on him.

"How are you feeling?"

I took a few seconds to compose myself and take in my surroundings. Twelve other vampires stood nearby, one small woman right behind him. As I prepared myself to answer, my throat burnt in response and Aro and Caius entered the room, followed by two women.

"You're done!" Aro exclaimed, clapping his hands and sliding into the room with purpose. Caius followed him, his face impassive and unreadable.

I was distracted by too many things to pay proper attention to them. By the details on every surface I was never capable of seeing before, by the scents I was never able to smell before, by the sounds I could never have dreamed of ever hearing so well and from so far away, by the sight of Alec standing by the wall right next to Jane with his eyes glued to me, an enraptured expression on his face… and his face had never looked so beautiful before. My human impressions of him were so inaccurate that I decided to let go of all of them right there and then; no remaining image in my head ever did him or any other vampire any justice. Jane stood by him like a perfect doll, her face looking like it was hand carved and hand painted. As my eyes travelled across the room I saw that it was the same with every one of them that I had previously met as a human. I had thought they were good-looking, much above average, but my eyes were so limited that I assumed I was just not seeing their imperfections. With my new eyes I could finally see that they just had none.

"I'm okay," I finally said and my voice was alien to my own ears. I looked at Marcus questioningly.

"Yes, you sound different. That is expected."

Caius looked at me from head to toe. "You should feed."

At his words my throat fired up unbearably and my hands flew to my neck.

"Yes, of course." Aro agreed with a smile still on his face. "You really should, dear one, and then we can see how your gift responded to the transformation. Heidi has arranged your first meal, you can follow her out of here."

I searched Heidi and found her across the room, smiling politely at me but someone else spoke up before I moved to her.

"Don't you want to look at yourself?"

One of the women that went in with Aro and Caius asked me. She had very dark hair arranged in intricate braids and wore a long-sleeved white dress. Her slender hands held a small mirror and she was looking at me expectantly.

"This is Athenodora," Caius introduced her, "my wife."

"Nice to meet you." I whispered, unwilling to hear my new voice again. I looked at the mirror with no idea of what to say.

I didn't want to see my face. If my voice was that different, my face could be unrecognisable. I knew that if I stared at myself in that mirror a red-eyed stranger would stare back at me and not only did I not feel ready for that but I also would rather go through that without so many people watching my reaction. On the other hand she was Caius' wife and she seemed very eager to see me looking at myself for the first time in this new life. I was scared of saying no to her.

Aro saved me from my dilemma.

"She just awoke, we should let her feed before anything else."

I scanned the room again, anxious for some reason I did not understand. I felt uncomfortable beyond my thirst, on alert for some invisible and improbable danger. When a few of the vampires I didn't know moved towards me I nearly panicked, feeling a strange urge to try and fight them.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Alec and Jane moved forward with them and Alec reached for me hesitantly, touching my hand. He felt warm and I almost jumped at the new sensation.

"Relax. No one means you any harm."

His voice was the best thing I had ever heard. My mouth hung open and I stared at him, so mesmerised by every little detail of his face that I completely overlooked how incredibly young he seemed to be. Without all the confusion from my human senses being stumped by his vampire allure I finally looked at him and saw that he looked just like a thirteen year old. At the same time, my mind ignored that fact just as easily as my eyes captured and communicated it. I must have gawked in that obvious and stupid way for too long because he smirked smugly at me. I looked away in embarrassment and tried to think of something else. The goat made its way back to my mind.

"The undead hunter." I murmured and remembered where it was from. "It's a poem. About a vampire-eating goat from hell."

Everyone around me reacted with surprise and amusement.

"Peculiar literary tastes," Felix murmured.

I grasped Alec's hand, still feeling a weird and misplaced need for safety, and stared at him at a loss for words.

"I am…"

What? What am I?

I wasn't sure of what I even wanted to say once I started speaking. I looked around in confusion, trying to recognise more people but couldn't. What did I want to say?

I am scared, lost, uncomfortable… and so thirsty.

I didn't say any of that.

Alec was watching me in suspenseful silence.

"... mad at you." I finished after my awkward pause and the room erupted in laughter. He smiled softly and rested his other hand on my cheek.

"Are you now?" He asked in his detestable mocking tone. "I for one am no longer mad at you, we are even. I am satisfied."

Fuck, the nerve!

I shook my head and breathed out an incredulous laugh, putting my free hand on top of his against my face. He kissed my forehead.

"Go with Heidi."

He let go of me and I turned to Jane, who smiled friendly.

"I am still mad at you," she said and her smile didn't seem so friendly anymore, but gloomy and menacing. "But we can resolve it later."

Oh, no. I just got out of the fire!

I couldn't find my voice to answer her implied threat, so I just averted her gaze and made my way to Heidi. The vampires I haven't met waved or nodded as I passed them and promised proper introductions at a more appropriate time. Demetri and Felix smiled as I reached them and Felix tapped my shoulder.

"Welcome, kid."

I smiled back at them and followed Heidi out. As she led me away from the room two truths dawned on me at the same time. The first one was that I was really a vampire. There would never be any turning back from that, the only way out was permanent destruction. The second one was that Heidi was taking me somewhere where unsuspecting humans would be waiting for their deaths at my hands.

Caius and Aro exited the room behind us and started to walk by Heidi's side.

"We all feed together but you and Natalia will be feeding by yourselves for a while," Aro told me somewhat apologetically. "Until you get better self-control and can manage to wait."

Something in my brain clicked and a flood of memories assaulted me.

Natalia. My best friend. Her father died, she has an aunt and a brother. Vegan, hates horror films, loves apple cake and parties. She studied anthropology in college, and we used to live together. We shared a bathroom…

"That's… okay." I glanced at Caius but he was looking ahead, resolutely ignoring me, so I turned back to Aro. "Is Natalia alright?"

No one answered me right away.

Is Caius mad at her and not me, maybe? Damn, what did she do this time?

"She is alive." It was Caius who answered me, dry and bitter. Aro sighed.

"Yes, she is fine. Went through the transformation with no issues." He looked at me with something like apprehension. "The issues began after it was finished… but I shall not trouble you with such matters now. You need to concentrate on yourself, dear Marina. Let us take care of the rest."

I was far from satisfied with that answer but decided to let it slide. They both said she was fine. My experience within those walls told me that if she was actually not in perfect health they would have rather evaded me completely than lied first. Whatever she was doing was probably troubling other people more than anything else.

I nodded to him and both he and Caius left me alone with Heidi again. She stopped in front of another room in a corridor even more poorly lit than the one we had left. She rested a hand on the doorknob and smiled encouragingly at me.

"I will wait for you here."

I hesitated and didn't even really know why. Was it because they were people? Was it because I was expected to do it for the first time alone and unsupervised? Was it because I was afraid I wouldn't know what to do? Or maybe I was afraid that I would know exactly what to do…

I forced myself to stop thinking too much about it and it was shamefully easy. The burning in my throat was strong enough to be pushed forward as an ultimate priority by my mind. I could hear the heartbeats through the door and the walls and smell the blood. Venom was pooling in my mouth and my body was already tensing up to jump at them and I hadn't even seen them.

"Thanks."

When Heidi opened the door for me I didn't think. I didn't even process what happened, the room and the three humans inside were almost a blur. My body took over and I instinctively threw myself at the closest of them, a man that was right by the door, perhaps listening to us speaking before I went in.

I am not proud to say this but on that very first time I fed like a bear. I took them alive and without taking the time to quickly kill them first I drained them as they fought me and screamed at me in an unfamiliar language. In my frenzied state I found no room for kindness, all that I had was the incessant and urgent need to quench that awful thirst, and the feeling of their warm blood sliding down my throat was too amazing to allow me to consider anything as trivial as mercy. The first human didn't do it for me so I ended up doing the same to the second one. And as I was still quite thirsty, I did the same to the last one - a woman only a little older than myself that not only died more slowly and painfully than necessary, but who also had to watch me kill her two companions before I got to her and thus knew exactly what awaited her.

It was a mess. Not just because of the terrified prey begging and crying but it was also a literal mess. I got blood all over myself. My skin, my hair, my clothes… what Alec did to me in Rio was nothing compared to that gruesome bloodbath.

With the drained bodies littered around me and the burning in my throat verging on bearable I grew self-conscious. I looked at my hands and my clothes, felt the blood on my hair and my face and got too ashamed to leave the room and let Heidi see me. I felt like a savage, an uncivilised beast, and thought that no one should have to be forced to lay eyes upon me while I was in such conditions.

When I felt brave enough to leave I found a much worse scenario expecting me.

Heidi was still there like she had promised but so was Alec. His eyes landed on my face first and slowly made their way down to my feet, quickly coming up again to meet mine. A sly smirk spread across his face. I prepared myself to receive any type of cruel remark about my appearance and any insensitive comment about what I had just done, but he simply chuckled and said:

"You look amazing in red."

I breathed out nervously.

"I should take a bath."

"I'll leave the two of you and get the clean up crew," Heidi announced. I grabbed her arm gently.

"I don't feel… good yet."

I debated whether or not to say it but decided to do it before she left. She caressed my hand and gave me a sympathetic smile.

"You'll have more. In a few days you will get more," she promised and left me with Alec.

He put his arms around me and slowly licked my cheek.

"I could just clean you without a bath."

"What about my hair?"

He passed his fingers through the strands and watched as they came out completely soaked.

"You have a good point. Come."

He pulled me by the hand but I didn't follow right away. The bodies inside the room were visible through the open door and I got distracted by the sight of bloodied clothes and broken limbs. It reminded me of something but I didn't know exactly what.

"Marina?"

"I don't feel anything for them." I thought out loud, puzzled. Alec shrugged.

"Why would you?"

I frowned and looked at them again. Their faces were still contorted in their final horror-stricken grimace but slightly relaxed in death. They looked nothing like the people I was used to seeing in my home country. Was that the reason why I couldn't relate to them?

No, that's not it. They look, smell and feel so different. Not like people, more like food.

I turned my puzzled look to Alec.

"How did you fall for me when I was like them?"

He laughed. "You were never like them. You were always special."

I shook my head impatiently. "You know what I mean."

"Most of the time I thought of you as you are now," he admitted.

He tried to pull me away again but I still didn't move.

"What is it?" He asked curiously and it surprised me that he didn't sound irritated or impatient.

"Sorry. I thought I remembered something… or someone? I don't know."

Alec's face morphed into a darker expression

"Let's go. I will wash and brush your hair for you."

That made me move.

I was looking forward to it.


When we stopped in front of his own room I was reminded of something from my human days yet again.

"I have been here before."

He opened the door and waited for me to step inside before he followed me.

"Yes, you have. It is also Jane's room."

"You two share?"

I was surprised at first but then it seemed obvious that they would share a room, though I still felt a little weirded out by it. I grew up as an only child, so I could be just ignorant about the relationship between siblings, especially vampire ones.

"Of course."

Sure enough, the place felt very familiar though I could barely actually remember it. It was more of a vague impression than an actual memory of it, like I was experiencing deja vù. The few dark and imprecise images I had of it in my mind were also incomplete, either because I forgot pieces of visual information or because I didn't pay enough attention when I was there for the first time to notice certain details. I knew I had gone into another room right after that one we were in, a room decorated a little differently and less impersonally and where Jane kept her book collection. There were other doors there that I didn't know if I had seen before.

Alec saw me looking at those doors and answered my unvoiced questions. "That one leads to the bathroom. This one you should know, it leads to Jane's private chamber. That one leads to mine."

So they only share this space and the bathroom? Not that weird, then.

I went into the bathroom and immediately noticed the soaking tub in the far end of the spacious, marble-covered room. There were some clean clothes on the sink counter and I assumed they were for me.

Alec turned on the faucet to fill the tub and I suddenly remembered why I was mad at him.

"You did it again."

He looked up at the sound of my accusation.

"What have I done again?" He asked innocently.

"You chose to let me suffer when you could have avoided it."

He walked away from the tub, slowly making his way back to me. "So did you. I told you, it was payback. We're even."

"Is this what we have? Is this going to be an eternal tug of war?"

He threw his head back and burst into laughter. Then he looked at me with utmost condescension

"Of course not, love. Only if you choose to make it that way."

I didn't want to make it that way, I wanted peace. I had been defeated, they got what they wanted, I was done. Still, I felt like I had one last thing to let out, one last knot to tie.

I sighed, realising that I needed that moment of catharsis to truly let go and have my so desired peace. For the first time since I became a vampire I searched for the buzz of my gift underneath my skin. To my surprise it answered my call fast and easily, like I had only tried to move a finger. With equally little effort I pushed it towards Alec and actually felt him under it. I could feel his own energy buzzing under mine and knew that I could hold him there indefinitely if I worked it well enough. I could feel his strength under that blanket I put over him, I could feel him trying to move, and I felt something else… something much more ethereal, but that was also trying to move and being held back by me. His gift? He could be trying to use it against me.

As I lost myself in my thoughts I began to feel my grasp on him weakening. I had no experience, I had never practised, and he had centuries of mastering his own gift. I held him there for much longer than I had ever paralysed anyone when I was human but I knew I still had limited time.

So before I lost him for good I raised my hand and slapped him across the face as hard as I could. A crack appeared on his cheek for a split second before disappearing completely.

"Now we're even."


a/n: I saw the red / blood line on tumblr and couldn't for the life of me find it again to check who wrote it, oops. it was a writing prompt? if I ever find it again I hope I remember to mention it here, sorry y'all