Chapter 3: The Planning Session Gone Wrong
I honestly didn't think this would be so awkward. I mean, I knew there was bound to be SOME awkwardness when discussing how two complete strangers can fool relationship-experts to think they are in love. This was waaaay beyond that.
I didn't even know how to begin this conversation. Jasper was sitting straight as a board on the armchair of shame. Not even on the couch like I had offered. Oh no, he chose my novelty seat. He was watching me like I was a smear of dog shit on the bottom of his stylish, Italian boots. I think it was safe to say I did not impress him.
I regretted not wearing jeans. Or a skirt with a longer hem. Damn you mother.
I had a stack of notebooks piled neatly on my lap. Three of them were about my detailed interrogation of mom so I could see just what kind of garbage her pretty mouth has been spewing. I thanked my lucky stars mom had refrained from using an actual name. That would have been a doozy to try and explain when I introduced Jasper to my relatives.
I also had two empty notebooks that I was planning on filling with information that Jasper provided. Angela had cautioned me to steer clear of too many personal personal questions, but I did need to know superficial things that a girlfriend would know.
But how to begin this farce? Jasper certainly wasn't making the first move. He wasn't encouraging me to start talking either. Unless that grumpy, cold glare was the vampire way of making friends. Doubtful.
I cleared my throat. The easiest way must be just getting right to it. Like ripping off a bandaid. Momentary pain that would soon be forgotten. That was my main goal. Four days' worth of pain and then we would never speak of this again. God, I wished he would never bring this up again. I was feeling pathetic enough without snarky reminders, thank you very much.
"So... Let's start with what my mom has made up to my relatives about you, okay?" God, could this get any more awkward? Where was Jessica when you needed her? That girl had an amazing knack for diffusing tension.
Jasper grunted. Actually, honest to God, grunted. He sounded like he was trying to squeeze poop out. So much for the sexy, alluring presence he had going on for him. Damn, why did Dr. Cullen have to be married?
"Okay, don't make that sound at the wedding. It's so unattractive." I blurted out. What can I say? Image is everything. Jasper Hale and his attitude problem would not screw this thing up.
He did seem mildly surprised. I guess that's understandable. I was acting like a scared little mousey who was just waiting for someone to scold her. Or maybe this was his brilliant plan to get me more comfortable? I think it's widely known in the school that I'm easily riled up and don't hold back when that happens.
Then again, in what world would the sacred Cullens take part in school gossip? He was just genuinely fucking surprised that I would say something to him. Fuck him and his perfectly messy blonde hair that looked so damn tempting that I wanted to bury my hands in it.
I took a deep breath and relaxed my face. Frowning aged the skin prematurely. Not pretty.
"My mom has been kind enough to give only vague hints about my supposed boyfriend. She's said that you are a little bit older than me. You're a Junior and I'm a Sophomore so that fits. She also said that you have brown hair, but we can just say that you dyed your hair once just to try it out."
"Why didn't you just pick a brown-haired guy?"
My eyes narrowed. That asshole was mocking me. He was supposed to be the nice, safe Cullen! I'll be damned if Creepward is the polite one.
"Because your daddy said I could use you. If you have a problem with that, go bitch about it to him, you dickhead."
"Isn't that sort of foul language uncalled for?"
I rolled my eyes. I was convinced that he was trying to make this as bad as possible. It was probably some nefarious plot to make me drop him as a date-choice. Why else would he go out on his way to be a complete asshat? I would assume that Dr. Cullen had gotten him to agree to this fucking shitshow so if there was anything uncalled for here, it was his fucking attitude.
He was fidgeting like he was a string that was wound a little too tight and ready to snap. He didn't even look at me. No fucking manners whatsoever. As if I would be doing any of this unless I had no other choice. Like, excuse me but my life's goal was not to fuck Jasper Hale! Not that I would be opposed to it... you know, if he wasn't an undead killing machine and in a relationship...
"I would love to speak nicely so your pretty little ears don't get contaminated, but your attitude problem makes it fucking impossible to be polite. Grow a fucking pair and stop acting like a baby!"
Note to yourself, don't piss off vampires. They do not take it kindly. Well, unless his ice cold hand squeezing my throat was his idea of joking around. Maybe that animalistic, inhuman growl was just his way of purring nicely.
I was gasping for air, stupidly only thinking that choking was one of the ugliest ways to die. Couldn't he smother me with a pillow instead? I didn't want ugly marks on my skin and my eyes popping out of my head.
You'd think I would feel more about dying. Like, panic or despair or sadness or something. Where was my fucking life flashing through my eyes and all the other corny bullshit I was supposed to be experiencing?! All I could feel was my throat caving in on me and my lungs burning from the lack of oxygen. All I could think about was my ugly-ass bruised body that someone would find. Was I even wearing matching underwear?
Oh my fucking God, I was going to die wearing grey cotton panties and a turquoise satin bra. There was no universe where someone might think that combination was carefully thought out one!
I was starting to see black spots when Jasper suddenly gasped and dropped me to the floor like I was trash. It hurt to breath and I could only make these pathetic wheezing sounds. I'm pretty sure I was drooling and my mascara was dripping down my cheeks with my involuntary tears.
I looked up at him, scared of what I might find. He looked absolutely horrified. I didn't know it was even possible for vampires to be even paler than they were naturally, but he definitely looked like he was seconds away from passing out. Serves that asshole right.
"I'm so sorry!" He said, his eyes flitting across my body in panic.
I was getting angry, shock setting in. HE had no right to be panicky and scared. No fucking right. That was all reserved for me. God, it would take a ton of makeup to cover up the finger-shaped red spots that would no doubt turn soon into ugly purple ones.
"What the FUCK is your problem?!" I tried to scream at him, but the only sound coming from my mouth was this pathetic wheezing rasp. It didn't really convey the fury welling inside of me.
Nobody ever accused me of having my priorities straight. Here I was, majorly pissed at a deadly creature who had JUST tried to kill me. It didn't even occur to me that maybe, just maybe, I should run the fuck out of the house and call for help. Oh no, I was too busy being angry to remember just how easily he could snap my spine.
"You fucking agreed to this, asshole! You do NOT get to put your hands on me!"
Okay, so my voice was getting awfully shrilly. That's never a good thing. My friends say that when I get really angry only dogs can hear me because I'm shrieking in such a high pitch.
Jasper shrunk into himself, taking a couple of steps back. I pushed myself up and stormed angrily right in front of him and buried my index finger into his chest. Not literally, since he's made of diamonds or something.
My eyes were practically trying to set him on fire as I jabbed my finger into his chest over and over again, calling him whatever names came to my mind. Angela had always praised my vocabulary so I was at it for a while.
"...you motherfucker, I should grab a broom and shove it right up your..."
He didn't try to stop me. It looked like he had completely forgotten about what had made him mad in the first place. He just looked ashamed and let me tear him a new one verbally. It was only right. Ella Johnson was nobody's bitch! Well, except her mother's.
"...and to top it all off, I'll carve out that slimy dick cheese and I'll fucking feed it to you! THEN we are fucking even!"
"I'm so sorry... Please, let me help you?"
I was about to shriek straight to his face just where he could shove his help, when a sound of reason woke up in my mind and started whispering me things. Like how I needed a handsome fake-date if I didn't want to deal with Ariel and the rest. And how I could milk this incident for all it was worth. Funny how that voice in my head sounded just like Angela.
I took a few calming breaths, working my pea-sized brains as hard as possible. How to maximize the benefits of having a Cullen feel indebted to me? My mind wandered to the obvious, force him to continue dating me for as long as I needed a fake boyfriend. Well, that wasn't in the cards for me. I didn't want to deal with this jackass any longer than necessary. And sticking close to him would no doubt bring more close-calls with death. So not what I was looking for in my relationship.
Then I remembered that the Cullens dominated the test scores in any class they were in. Angela couldn't stop grumbling about how unfair it was for the undead to take exams with the mortal folk. She was salty that she had to fight to death for her spot as the smartest smarty-pants around.
The exam season was just around the corner. That was something I wasn't looking forward to. I foresaw a future of failed exams and summer school for me. Unless I had a little helper... I bit my lip, working out the pros and cons. Pro, I could score well enough to actually spend my summer out of school. Con, I'd have to spend time with the jerkface.
I mulled over it in silence, letting my anger cool down enough so I could talk without shrieking my lungs out. Was the extra free time worth hanging around this psycho? It would mean days at First Beach and nights at whoever had their houses to themselves. No reading in a stuffy classroom, no cramming late into the night until my tiny brain hurt and my eyes were crossed from exhaustion. Just me and my friends, living it up and being completely irresponsible shitheads for the entire summer.
I looked at him, trying to get a good read on him. He was staring at me. His dark eyes were wide with panic and his extended hands were shaking uncontrollably. He looked like he was about to vomit and in that moment, he looked so fucking convincing that I felt relatively safe from further harm.
I was fucking insane. There, I said it. Desperate and insane. This shit was definitely going to kill me...
"Okay. New deal. You'll be my fake-boyfriend for the wedding AND you'll do all of my homework the rest of the year and tutor me so I'll pass my exams. Agreed?"
Fuck, I really hoped I wasn't signing my death sentence. I based all of this on the fact that he looked really ashamed and sorry. Of course, there was the possibility that he was a sadistic murderer who liked to toy with his food and this was all just an act. You really can never know with these things.
He threw me a look that made my heart make a complete 180 and squeal with cuteness overload. He looked so hopeful and relieved that I almost couldn't handle it. It was like I was suddenly surrounded by wee little puppies just begging for my affections. Or like my favourite couple in my favourite TV-show finally ended up together.
I stomped down the actual squeal that tried to escape from my abused throat. I forbid myself from being affected by his cuteness or his good looks. Jasper Hale was off-limits. I wasn't going to start pining over a violent guy. Fuck that. I refused. Why did vampires have to be so fucking sexy and irresistable?!
I slumped back down to the couch and rubbed my sore throat. I needed to get this meeting done so I could start treating my injuries. I wasn't about to show weakness in front of Jasper.
"I'll do anything. I'm so sorry... are you alright? Do you need a doctor? I can drive you to a hospital or to Carlisle or-"
I stopped him by raising my hand up. I couldn't deal with nearly dying right now. There was a battle plan to be made.
"I don't want your apologies right now. We need to focus on this shit. The wedding is next week and we need to be prepared."
Jasper looked at me. I guess he was trying to figure out what kind of crazy person would still insist on going through the boyfriend scam after getting their throat squeezed by a vampire. Well, you're looking at her, mister. Ariel was not going to win this fucking thing. Hell no!
He remained quiet for a good while and then he sat down back into the arm chair with a deep sigh. Fucking show-off. I couldn't get a decent breath in and he was there just sighing away. It was so unfair and he would pay dearly.
"Okay... I'll apologize again at a later time. What else did your mother say?"
Oh, so NOW he's willing to make an effort. Wow, guilt did wonders for vampires with bad attitude. Well, that should make things easier. I took a hold of my discarded notebook and cleared my throat. I was doing my very best to keep the residual anger out of my voice. I needed him. It says something about how horrible the whole wedding situation was when I was willing to cozy up to a murderous vampire rather than admit that I was dateless and mom had lied.
"Apparently, you're allergic to shrimp. And you really like history."
I wondered where the hell my mom pulled these 'facts' from. She had been really vague about things like looks and family and names, but damn she had invented a colourful backstory to my imaginary boyfriend. Harlequin writers should take pointers from her.
"That's not so far from the truth." Jasper said. I noticed that he too was keeping his voice neutral. We were both very business-like. Yay. Good for us.
"Well, that's good. You are also supposed to be a real gentleman who lavishes compliments to older women. Things like 'Oh, you must be Ella's older sister!' and such. This is so fucking stupid..."
And it was. Mom had clearly poured out her wet day-dream on paper or something. I scanned through the character profile and crossed over as many notes as I dared. Anything that could be explained by mother's bias was scrapped. Angela had adviced me to keep the lie as close to the truth as possible. That was a solid advice.
"I can do that. What else?"
We went over my mom's take on my fake boyfriend and trimmed it down considerably. Jasper actually had solid ideas on what to change and what to burn in a fiery pit. Little by little the atmosphere turned from the tightly held-on neutrality to more a more relaxed one.
I tossed the final notebook to the coffee table and picked up a new, unused one. This was where I wanted to gather information on Jasper so I could study it later on. I had also prepared one that held general information about me. Things that my relatives would assume my boyfriend would know.
"Okay, so now I need to know who you are. You can just tell me anything that you're comfortable sharing. I need to be able to talk about you even if you're somewhere else." I said carefully, fully expecting another hissy fit. I just hoped he'd leave my poor throat alone. It was bruised enough already. It would be a miracle if they managed to fade away before the wedding.
Thank God it looked like Jasper had warmed up to our deal since he didn't look bothered at all. Or maybe he was just biding his time, collecting his anger so next time his pesky conscience wouldn't get in the way of his murderous fun. You never know.
"What kind of things?" He asked, all polite and gentlemanly. It was a huge improvement over the grunting and sulking. He looked hot again. Of course it would have been better for my hormones if he kept his sex appeal at the minimum, but I guessed I had to get used to it anyhow. I couldn't very well be a drooling idiot around my relatives.
Mom had strongly hinted that I was sleeping over at my boyfriend's house ever so often, so obviously I couldn't look like I was desperate for some action.
"Umm... Like, what's your favourite band? Or music genre in general? How about movies and TV-shows? Who's your best friend? Do you have any hobbies? Do you get along with your entire family? Things like that."
I hold my pen at the ready. It was a sparkly mint green one with a mint green fluff at the top. It was my current favourite after I had to throw my sparkling purple one away. The ink was boring black though. I had stopped using gel-pens after I got so sick of them running out right when you need them the most.
"Well, classic old-school rock is the closest to my heart. The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Rolling Stones and the like. I watch mostly horror movies. I like to laugh how they portray monsters. I don't really watch TV all that much, but I do follow Baseball and Football occasionally."
I wrote down what he said, arranging it all to neat columns and mind-maps. If there was something I was really good at it was taking notes. My room was a testament to that. I had currently 658 notebooks stored all around my room. I started writing things down when I was 8 and school first started to overwhelm me. And yes, I did have a collection of reference notebooks so I could find whatever notebook I was looking.
It's relaxing. Don't judge me.
"I play baseball with my family and my best friend is a man named Peter. He lives in Texas at the moment with his wife Charlotte."
"Oh good. We're planning a roadtrip to go and visit them during summer." I interrupted, not even bothering to look up. It was note-taking time and I was in the zone.
"We are?" He asked. His tone of voice gave me a mental picture of his confused face. I made an affirmative humming noise.
"Yeah. A loving couple needs to have summer plans. Continue, please."
"I guess you could say I'm relatively close to the Cullens. It's not really a father-son relationship I have with Carlisle, but we get along well enough. Rosalie is quite like what I imagine having a sister would've been like..."
Huh. I didn't think he would go into the family dynamics. Wait...
"So Rosalie is not your actual sister? I thought she's your twin." I had to ask. How did we miss it? I mean, the story of Esme Cullen being their aunt and adopting them when they were kids was a far-fetched one, but we had somehow always assumed that Jasper and Rosalie really were twins.
Well fuck. The more you know. I couldn't wait to share this with Angela. I wasn't going to tell her Jasper's life story, since it wasn't mine to tell and some things were private, but this needed to be told. Angela wanted to know everything that was relevant to the Cullens now that I had to deal with them.
She's so adorable when she gets all fierce and protective. God I love that girl.
"Oh no. I've only known Rosalie for about 60 years. I'm quite a bit older than she is. Carlisle figured that us being siblings would make people more inclined to think that a married couple as young as them would adopt five teenagers."
Hello juicy details. I was getting some useful info without having to ask for it. Angela had suspected that Jasper was super old, but she couldn't really give anything other than a rough estimate. Apparently it was something about his eyes and how he carried himself.
"So wait, how old are you? No wait, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to. But when is your earthly birthday? Like, the one in your no doubt fake I.D? And speaking of fake I.D's, could you hook me up with one?"
What? It never hurt to ask! I didn't want to grovel to Brody every time I wanted to get wasted.
Jasper gave this beautiful, wistful smile to me and crossed his long, beautiful legs. How the fuck could something so simple be so fucking alluring? I kind of wanted to drop my skirt and sit on his lap. And this was the creature that just tried to murder me 10 minutes ago.
Fucking hell, this was so messed up. I was messed up. Fucking sexy vampires and their allure.
"I'm turning 163 years old later in the summer. I'm actually the second oldest of the Cullen clan, right after Carlisle. Jasper Hale on the other hand turns 18 years old on 5th of January. And what would you do with a fake I.D?"
Fuck he was old. Why did I find that so appealing? Did I have a fetish? I mean, I had a fuck-ton of daddy issues. I should probably start going to therapy again...
"No reason. For... research. Yeah, let's go with research..."
He laughed at that. It sounded like fucking angels singing. I was pretty sure that a healthy litter of puppies were born to this world as a result of his laughter.
"Right... so, pet peeves? Future goals?" I asked, cursing my red cheeks and damp panties. Jasper Hale was going to be the death of me.
It took less than an hour for both of my notebooks to get filled completely. I dropped my pen and flexed my hand. It was cramping. Nothing new. I had cramps usually every day and a carpal tunnel every other week. I happened to have a cute collection of wrist supports, so it was all good.
Jessica often asked why I didn't start taking notes with a computer when I was at home. It was a decent idea, considering that I did most of my note-taking while in my room, but I liked writing it all down old-fashionedly. It made me feel good and prepared. Besides, who is to say my computer wouldn't explode or something? What would happen to all of my hard work then? No, I stuck with good old pens and paper. Here's to hoping there's no fire in my future.
"You okay?" Jasper asked, noticing my hand movements.
"Yeah, just fine. It happens all the time." I said. I was very used to that question.
"You seem to really like taking notes..."
I grinned. My, what keen eyes he had. Okay, that's a little mean. I couldn't expect everyone to assume that someone like me would enjoy in something so... unusual.
I glanced at the clock that could be seen from the kitchen. We had an open-floor planning downstairs. Kitchen, dining room and living room were all connected. Mom liked to be able to talk to her guests while she was slaving in the kitchen. Our ceiling still had faint marks from where the walls used to be. Mom had been nagging dad to fix it for years.
It was almost five already. Huh. Time sure flies when you're having fun. Or when you are being strangled by a vampire. In any case, I was glad that we had managed to outline our battle plan for the wedding. There was only one thing left to do.
I felt reeeally uncomfortable. I mean, how does one bring up this kind of subject? He had a girlfriend. Maybe Alice should've been present for this. Or maybe that would've been even more awkward.
"Then there's the problem of... oh fuck, this is so embarrassing..." I mumbled, my face heating up. If I had a mirror I would probably been horrified by the glowing red that was taking over my white pigment. My ears were burning, for fuck's sake!
Jasper raised one of his perfectly trimmed dark eyebrows. I quickly looked away. This was not the time to be swooning over his good looks. Fuck. Could I still cancel the whole thing?
"What problem?"
Ugh! Where was the grumpy, non-participating Jasper when I needed one? This would've been so much easier if he had been ignoring me.
"Uh... about the... Fuck... Ehm... How close... are you comfortable... being with me?"
I actually managed to make the words to come out. Yay for me! Now if only I wasn't blushing like a 12 year old hearing the word 'kiss' in context with boys. That would've been great. No such luck though. At least Jasper was being a gentleman about it. Eric and Mike would've started the snicker fest already.
"Oh that. Alice has given me a free reign. She has opted to think of it like a stage play. I agree with her. So it really is up to your comfort level and what you deem is necessary to sell our act."
I wanted to scream. And not in the 'OHMYGOD I can totes make out with a hot guy' kind of way. Whatever I said next would sound desperate and lusty as fuck. He was even looking at me like he was expecting me to take this as a permission to drape myself all over him. Like making out with him was my life's goal or something.
Don't get me wrong. I would be happy to do all sorts of naughty things with him, even if he was a bloodsucking demon. My teenager hormones made me look at him as the dreamiest of guys. But damn, I had some pride in myself! I did NOT go after guys who were taken. Not a chance.
I cleared my throat and took a moment to compose myself. I thought I had done enough embarrassing myself for one day. I want to say that I was cool as a cucumber and got all of this handled professionally. But oh no. No, my face was burning so much that I was convinced you could cook an egg on it.
"So... uh, maybe we should just try and see what feels right in the moment? I mean, we have to be affectionate, but not all over each other all the time..."
It was nearly impossible to get through that sentence without making a complete fool out of myself. I was trying hard to make myself appear not a total dork. I don't think I was doing such a good job, but Jasper didn't seem to notice. Or care. He really was stepping up for this whole redemption gig.
I wondered how long I could possibly milk his guilt for all it was worth. I could have a vampire slave. Bound by his guilt to do my bidding. Fuck, I was half-tempted to ask him to kill Ariel. But I was too good of a person to do that. Or so I told myself.
It was about time for me to leave for the gym. I needed to wrap this meeting up. I went through my notes to see if I had missed something critical. I did not want to get caught with my pants down at the wedding.
"So, I've prepared a few notes about me for you to study before the wedding. Just your basic information, like my birthday and favorite colour. There's also a brief summary of my family history so you'll be able to act like I've talked about them before." I said and handed him five notebooks.
"That's... very thoughtful. I'll be sure to learn everything there is to know about you, Ella Johnson."
Mmh... I really liked how he said my name. Inappropriate thoughts... I needed to snap out of it. I closed my eyes for a second and gave a huge mental bitch slap to myself. I could fantasize about Jasper Hale and his murderous ways later in the privacy of my own bed.
Right, it was time to focus. We stood up and I escorted him to the door. Ugh, his delicious tallness made my insides all squishy. My throat was throbbing in pain, but my mind refused to register anything else but his hotness. I was going to be in soooo much trouble.
"Well, thanks for stopping by. I'll be sure to give you my homework on Monday so you can start your new job as my personal homework monkey." I said as a goodbye. Real subtle, right?
"Of course. And once again, I am truly sorry for losing control like that. I assure you that it will never happen again and I will do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness one day."
Did he have to look at me with those beautiful puppy eyes? Oh, the things I wanted to do to that boy... man... undead vampire.
"Oh yeah! I almost forgot. I'm going to wear a teal-coloured dress. You should wear something blue under your suit. It can't be teal though. We can't match, but we can't clash either."
I had decided earlier on that I wanted to wear teal. It worked well with my hair and my freckles. I still had buy the dress, but I was planning to take a trip to Seattle with my friends on Sunday. I had made an appointment with my go-to seamstress. She knew what I was looking and she had promised to prepare a few dresses for me.
"I thought couples were supposed to match?"
I scoffed. Wasn't he supposed to be an immortal? And in a relationship with another immortal, who also happened to be a fashionista? Guys...
"No way. People who try too much wear matching outfits. We are supposed to be happily and securely in love. It would stink like an act if we tried to be some fucking movie couple."
Fuck if I wasn't already hoping the wedding would be over...
Author's Final Notes:
Look at that! Third chapter and I still haven't run away in panic! Good for me. What do you mean I have 'commitment issues'?
Jasper has entered the stage! And he brought his unstable hissy fits with him! My, what a good fun those are going to be for poor Ella. Good thing she can fight fire with nuclear bombs.
If you are still following this story, thank you so much. It's great fun to write this and it's nice to know that a handful of people seem to be enjoying it. I hope you'll join me for the next chapter as well, which should be out either later this weekend or early next week. Have a great weekend, you guys!
