Chapter 15: A Journey Into Major Whitlock's Messy Past
"Uh... What did you just say?"
Shit. This was bad. Really, really bad. Okay, so let's say that I was in love with Jasper. For argument's sake. Things happen. It sucked, but it wouldn't be the end of the world... hopefully.
But the fact that I had just said it out loud... Yeah, my life was over.
"You know, in a totally platonic, buddy-buddy way." I said awkwardly, trying to will my no doubt red face to stay neutral. I had to try and save this situation. Call me crazy, but being rejected by my fake boyfriend before the wedding was over and done with? Not on my to-do list. Shit would be so fucking awkward.
"I don't think that's what you meant." Jasper said. It was hard to tell how he was feeling about my little blunder, since I was making an effort to avoid looking into his general direction as much as possible. It would be Game Over if I looked at him right now.
"I don't know what you mean. I tell my friends I love them all the time."
There was a bubble of panic growing in my chest. I was going to fucking drop dead. It felt like I couldn't breath. Fuck fuck fuck! Why couldn't I keep my stupid mouth shut?! Why the hell did I just say the 'L' word again? There was something seriously wrong with me.
I looked around me, trying to figure my way out of this mess. Brody and Faye had chosen the perfect fucking moment to stop eyefucking each other and they were staring at me. I fucking knew that Brody was always eavesdropping. What was it with the nosy guys in my life?! Sheesh, just let a girl have a private meltdown...
There was nothing to it. I had to make the only logical choice. Get the hell away from them all.
"Oh, would you look at the time. I'm just sooooo hungry. I'll talk to you guys later bye!" I said cheerfully and tried to make my way past the wall that was my enormous brother and his abnormally tall fiance. Easy peasy. I could just slip through their legs or something.
I was almost out of Jasper's arms when they tightened around me and locked me in. Fucking shit! Goddamn it all! Why couldn't he stay stunned for like five more seconds?! I was almost free!
"Oh no, lil' darling. You are not running away from me." He said in a low voice. I didn't have the guts to turn and look at him. I knew I probably wouldn't like what I would see. I mean, what were the chances that he'd declare his undying love for me? So fucking close to zero.
He had Alice. Goddamn Alice and their fucking perfect marriage. Immortal lovers and all that shit. Oh my god, he was going to try and turn me down gently, wasn't he? So fucking inconsiderate. A little bit cruelty was what this situation needed. If Jasper could stop being so fucking nice and gentle and polite for one second then maybe my stupid brain would start working properly.
"Who's running away? This is a tactical retreat." I grumbled under my breath.
I wasn't about to admit how fucking scared I was. It was bad enough that Jasper could feel whatever I was feeling, so I would never say it out loud. Denial was my best friend. I just needed to get some distance between us so I could break down in peace and put myself back together before lunch was over.
I could do it. I had done it more times than I can count. Okay, so I hadn't had this exact nerve-wracking shit show happen to me, but weren't all the breakdowns the same?
"Umm... We're just going to..." Brody said awkwardly.
Oh no, please stay and witness my utter humiliation. All that was missing from this scenario was my mom and dad appearing out of nowhere and fucking Ariel overhearing everything.
"Would you please look at me, Ella? We need to talk about this."
Hell no! There was absolutely no way that I would look at Jasper. My head was messed up enough already. I didn't want to add my horny thoughts to that mix. It just didn't feel right to think about boning the guy who was about to tell you how much he loved someone else. But that was just me.
"No, like I really need to go. It's lunchtime."
The important thing was to keep it together. Just five more minutes. I just had to survive for five more minutes and then I could fall completely apart.
"It's horrible... It's like I'm watching a car crash and I want to turn away but I can't..." Faye said and holy fuck! Could she maybe like, I don't know, tone down the bitchy act for a moment? I knew that she couldn't relate because she had a fucking fantasy romance going on with my brother, but come on!
Keep it together, Ella. Don't let that panic take over. This was so not the time to start hyperventilating. Deep breaths. Calm mind. Don't you dare start crying!
"Aw shit... Just... try not to make her cry too much, yeah? Let's go, honey..." Brody mumbled and started tugging Faye away with him. Fuck...
It was just the two of us. I couldn't handle this. I was going to lose it. I was going to be fucking crushed. Shit...
"Look at me, Ella. Please."
How nice of him to add that 'please' to the obvious command. Like, who the hell did he think he was? He was not my commanding officer and if I didn't want to look at him, then I wasn't going to fucking look at him!
Jasper let out a deep sigh and then he added a little more pressure to his hold on me and turned my body against my wishes. What a fucking asshole. We would be having words about that. You know, as soon as I didn't want to die from embarrasment.
I took a deep breath and looked up. Fuck. Bad fucking choice. He was looking down at me with such a heartbreakingly concerned look on his face. This was so fucking unfair! It was too much.
"I don't want to talk about this. Let's just forget that I said anything and stick to the plan..."
I knew it wasn't going to work, but I had to try. There was a lump in my throat that was the size of a fucking grapefruit. I needed to get away.
My breathing got more shallow. It was going to happen. A full blown meltdown was imminent.
"I'm sorry, but we need to... Ella, I can't ignore what you just said. It's... problematic."
Yeah, those are just the sweet, sweet words that every girl wants to hear. So he thought I was problematic. Great. Just fucking great.
My nose was prickling. I was either going to sneeze or I was just seconds away from crying.
"That came out wrong. I mean that it's complicated and we need to discuss this." Yeah, nice save there buddy.
"Are you going to bail on me?" I asked, swallowing down the cry-lump. I sniffed and rubbed my nose. Because it was dusty and totally not because I wanted to cry. Shit, why were my eyes itchy? If I reached up to rub my eyes, Jasper would think I was crying.
I was going to wager a guess that he didn't like it when I cried. He had been pretty upset during breakfast. If he thought he was the reason I was crying... Yeah, I didn't want that to happen.
Because I loved him. Fuck it all.
Hurting Jasper Whitlock was out of the question, so this conversation couldn't happen. My feelings would only make him uncomfortable and guilty and I wasn't having any of that.
"What? Of course not! I made a promise and I'm-"
"A man of your word, yeah I remember. So there really is no need to go more into this."
I was going to hurt Angela once I got back home. It was her fucking fault that I was so into honest and open communication. Those stupid books of hers... Hell, she had ruined so many things for me. I used to love Romeo and Juliet. I thought it was so romantic. Angela had to ruin it by bringing logic and facts to the table. I was blaming this honest take on my relationship with Jasper on her too. She was a fucking bad influence.
"Ella, why do you think you're in love with me?"
I blinked up at him stupidly. What kind of question was that? Why did I think I was in love with him? As in implying that I wasn't really? I narrowed my eyes and my upper lip curled slightly.
"Excuse me? Are you doubting my feelings?"
Jasper let go of me and took a few steps back, lifting his arms in an apologetic position. My hands found their way to my hips and I tried to stare him down. It looked like it might've actually worked. His wide eyes were slightly panicky.
"No, no! I just meant-"
"Let me make this perfectly clear, you moron. I am in love with you. End of story. I would prefer not to feel this way, but you just had to be so fucking kind to me. This is all your fault! You're the one who is all supportive and nice and funny and protective and charming and sexy as hell! Don't you fucking dare question my feelings."
What can I say? I get over things real fast when something else needs my undivided attention. I simply didn't have time to have a mental breakdown and a sob fest when I had to put this idiot to his place. How dare he try and tell me how I feel...
"Uh..."
"And I totally get it that you don't feel the same, and that's fine. But that doesn't give you the right to doubt the realness of my feelings. God, if you acted like this more often then maybe I wouldn't have fallen in love with you!"
I most definitely wouldn't have fallen in love with him if he acted like this all the time. Hell, bring back the Jasper from our pre-wedding meeting and I would have spat in his eye before falling for him. But oh no! Of course this fucking moron had to show me the REAL Jasper!
"Are you... blaming me?"
Hell yes! He was solely responsible for this mess. How was I supposed to fight his charm? I was just a weak human! He should've been more careful.
Jasper smiled sadly and bravely took a hold of my hand. His thumb rubbed circles on my skin and my body started its engines. Just what I needed...
"The reason I asked was... we have blurred the line between acting and reality quite extensively. I can sense your more... physical feelings so strongly all the time. I know you want me, but why would you love me? If you knew all that I have done..." His voice faded like it was too painful for him to speak.
I took a deep breath, reigning in my annoyance. It was so hard to not say anything about his wife. The truth was that I had no idea what kind of relationship they had. Maybe something else was causing his self esteem problems. I didn't know shit, and it wasn't even my fucking place to know.
"Then tell me. Tell me everything horrible you've done and we'll see if I actually love you."
For a hot second I was sure he'd pull away and leave me standing in the game room by my lonesome. He got this dark look on his face and it was like he was debating with himself. I bit my lip to stop myself from pressing the issue. If he said no, I would just have to respect that, no matter how curious I was.
I probably shouldn't have been. He had told me that he used to kill folks left and right. Not exactly something I should be looking forward to hearing about. But then again, I was fucked up in the head and all I could feel was curiousity. I wanted to understand him better and honestly, there were not many things that would make my feelings for him change.
We all have done fucked up shit in our past. Hell, I was actively plotting the murder of the Bitch Queen. I didn't have much leeway to get all morally superior on his beautiful face.
"Are you sure...? It's not easy to hear." He said carefully. Almost like he was scared.
Shit. Was he afraid that I'd end up telling him that he was in fact a horrible monster that needed to be put down? Yeah, like that was going to happen.
"Tell me. Give me all the dirty details."
And he did.
000
"As I told you before, I was put in charge of training and maintaining Maria's army. You remember how I said I had to show my dominance over them? I started by ripping their limbs off as soon as their change was completed. I kept the limbs safely tucked away so they couldn't re-attach them before I gave the permission to do so." Jasper started his tale.
Huh... vampires could re-attach their limbs? That was handy as fuck. I mean, imagine being an immortal and having just nubs for arms and legs.
"Is there a time limit to that? Like can you potentially re-attach your hand after 100 years?"
What? I was curious. I wished I had my notebook...
Jasper grinned slightly. We walked to the ratty couch and sat down. I pulled my knees up and into Jasper's lap just like I had done with Faye earlier. It was comfy and I really appreciated his warm hands resting on top of them. Who said we couldn't cuddle when discussing murder and mayhem?
"It'll be difficult after a few weeks, but there are rumours of an ancient Chinese vampire who has trained his body and mind so his body part remain viable for decades. Anyways, I would usually keep them like that for three to four days. Just long enough to break any resistance. I also starved them for weeks. Made them beg for someone to drink. It was crucial to make them see me as their master."
I noticed the faintest of smiles touching his lips before he snapped out of it. Well, it didn't surprise me. He did like his control. I wasn't repulsed by that. It might've told more about my questionable morals than his actions. Besides, it made sense to me. You couldn't just have vampires running around trying to kill you. Duh.
"Every day, I would choose one of them to fight me to the death. This was to create an illusion that I was unbeatable, so resistance was futile. I also used it as a way to train myself to be just that. At the largest, our army was over 600 vampires strong. I needed to keep them all in line, so this was necessary. Maria could always make more newborns, so she encouraged these battles wholeheartedly."
Oookay... So, I was feeling very inappropriately tingly. Like, the mere thought of Jasper going full gladiator made my body all sorts of hot and bothered. What the fuck was wrong with me? Well, so many things, but I was pretty sure my own self esteem problems weren't a contributing factor to this insanity.
Jasper raised one of his eyebrows as if asking 'seriously?' I felt like we had already established that I was horny 24/7 when I was around him. I had no idea why this was so surprising to him.
"Shut up. Just continue." I huffed.
"Every once in a while, I would reward the best performing soldiers by taking them to some remote little town... and then we would feast. I'm talking about killing off whole towns to satiate our blood lust. I would drain dozens of defenseless humans and enjoy myself. The joy of my soldiers overwhelmed the fear my victims were feeling, so it was an euphoric experience for me."
He was looking at me like was just waiting for a sign that I was done with him. Tought luck there, buddy. I was still okay with his past so far. Like, it wasn't ideal by any stretch of imagination. Murder was bad and all that. But he was a fucking vampire. This was what I had expected and this was what I assumed vampire's true nature was. Predators just doing what comes naturally.
Honestly, if I ever happened to become a vampire, I'd probably kill people left and right. Circle of life... it was a beautiful thing.
"Maria was a cruel woman. She got off from watching other people in pain. I would entertain her by torturing her dinner before serving them to her by ripping their throats out and spilling their blood in a goblet. She had a taste for the theatrics. Sometimes, if the victim was a man who had looked at Maria and felt lust, I enjoyed torturing them and ending their pathetic lives. Those I would eat myself as I didn't want any part of them touching the woman I loved."
"Oh, so you loved Maria? How did that end?"
That's right, Ella. Skip all of that information about his sadistic torture sessions and focus on what was truly important; his apparently failed relationship with the woman who made him. Goddamn I was so simple-minded.
But hey, at least I acknowledged it? That had to earn me some brownie points, right?
"I thought she loved me too. It took me decades to realize that she couldn't feel love. Her human life was brutal and cruel. She didn't often mention it, but she revealed enough for me to determine that the ability to love was stripped away from her centuries ago. Once I understood that Maria could never love me, all of the violence and bloodshed started to catch up to me."
"I think the worst thing I did, the one that I'm most ashamed of, was that I tried to kill Charlotte."
Wait... wasn't Charlotte the name of his best friend's wife? There had to be a story there... one that he'd better tell me right away.
"Maria only wanted newborns in her army, so she naturally wanted to get rid of the vampires who lived to their maturity. They usually lived until they were about two years old and then I would execute them. I never enjoyed this part of my duties, but it made sense to me at the time. I had only ever once intervened with an execution and that was when it was Peter's time. I convinced Maria that he was useful to our cause. She allowed Peter to become my second-in-command.
Peter was smitten with Charlotte from the moment he laid his eyes on her. I had never witnessed a love like that. Doubt creeped into my mind. How would Peter react when it was Charlotte's time to go? She wasn't exceptionally brilliant or strong. She would never be anything but a foot soldier and Maria didn't keep those around. No exception would be given to Charlotte. I debated with myself what was the best way to deal with it. The cruel, sadistic part of me that had began to blossom under Maria's command wanted to force Peter to do it. She was his weakness and we couldn't have weakness within our ranks. The humanity in me won. I would kill her myself."
Holy shit this was interesting. I inched myself closer and lifted Jasper's arm so I could duck under it. I breathed in his wonderful scent and hummed to let him know that I was still listening.
"Peter begged me to spare Charlotte. He planned to run away from the army with her. He wanted me to leave with them. For a while, I thought about doing just that. But I loved Maria. She was my everything. I had my hands around Charlotte's throat, ready to rip her head off. Peter was so close to attacking me, but I released her. Let them escape. This is what lead me to realize that Maria had never loved me. She did not take kindly to the new of me letting soldiers to run away.
Maria started to mistrust me. She feared that I would plan a coup and destroy her. So she started to plan getting to me first. I felt the shift in her emotions, heard every lie and I knew what she was up to. Ironically, this forced me to prepare a pre-emptive strike against her. I don't know what would've happened if he ever went head-to-head. Peter returned before our confrontation happened and told me about the way things were done in the North. I left right away."
I was still waiting for the part that made him into a monster. I mean, sure it was all kind of morally questionable to put it lightly. Especially the 'let's make Peter kill the love of his wife' bit. But hey, Jasper walked away from that the second a better choice came along. And he was not cruel with me. Aside from that one teeny tiny strangling incident, he had never tried to hurt me in any way. In fact, he was trying to protect me from everything that could possibly harm me. That was what counted to me.
Of course, what he had done wasn't right, but I didn't really care. I was kind of fine with him being a sadistic murderer. Which, you know, a little alarming thing to learn about myself, but what could I do? I was blaming my upbringing. My parents had fucked me up in the head growing up. It was just a matter of time before I had blood on my own hands, so really, who was I to judge Jasper?
"Was that it, or did you do bad things after you got out too?"
Again with the disbelieving look. Like, I thought we had established that I was fucking nuts. Why did he think I would react like normal people? Besides, I could name a handful people who would agree with my opinion on Jasper. So obviously he was on the wrong side of this argument.
"Wasn't that enough? I continued drinking human blood from victims who didn't deserve it. Now that I was alone, I could feel all of the pain and fear of my victims so much clearer. They started to take a toll on me. I tried to stop myself from feeding, but it would only end with me losing control and slaughtering entire families to sate my thirst. I was contemplating ending my own life when... when I met Alice."
Ahh, now we got to the sweet Alice. The purest of angels who introduced animal diet to Jasper. The one who I was pretty sure had told Jasper just how incredibly disgusting she thought he was. Fuck, I could relate to Jasper's issues so well. Years and years of listening to my relatives tearing me down and my self worth was in tatters.
I opened my mouth to blurt out something incredibly stupid, but I snapped out of it before the words got out of my mouth. I was so not going to ask him if Alice was the one who called him monster and not worthy of love.
"You don't seem to like Alice very much..."
Fuck... of course he had to catch that. I cleared my throat, suddenly finding the hem of his t shirt suuuuper interesting. How was I going to talk myself out of this mess without angering him?
"Ah well, you know, love rival and all that." I said. It wasn't that much of a stretch. It had to be one of the biggest contributing factors for why I didn't like Alice. I mean, most of this had to be because I was jealous and petty, right?
"Why does it feel like that's not the whole truth? You can tell me anything, Ella. I hope you know that." He said and pulled me closer to his wonderfully warm body. Okay, Jasper-cuddles were the fucking greatest thing ever invented! How could I scam him into giving them to me even after we were done with our relationship? I would have to think on that.
"I don't think it's my place to comment on a relationship I know nothing about. And no matter what I say, it's going to sound super bitchy and petty, right? Because I love you so I'm automatically biased."
Yeah, so apparently I was incapable of stopping my usage of that fucking word. This was going to be fucking fantastic. I could already imagine me blurting my love for him out loud in front of his wife. I wondered if that would go over well.
"I just told you the horrible things I've done in my life and you seem quite unfazed by it all. I think I should show you the same courtesy. You are quite insightful, lil' darling."
So... that was totally a permission to rip into Alice, wasn't it? It was so fucking tempting.
"I just don't want you to think that I'm trying to... like poison your relationship or something. You are happy with her, and I want you to be happy. I mean, I would prefer you to be happy with me, obviously, but I'll take what I can get."
Jasper's hand grabbed my chin gently and tilted my head up so our eyes met. He was looking at me so softly... it made my heart race and that was so not okay with me. No matter how fucking amazing it made me feel. Kind of gave me some seriously mixed feelings.
"Ella, I do have feelings for you. It should be quite obvious by now. I can't seem to keep my hands to myself when you are around. There is something primal within me that wants to keep you close to me at all times, to protect you..."
I was fucking melting. It was a good thing that I was sitting down and I had Jasper there to support my weight, because I was pretty much boneless. I couldn't get up and walk away even if I wanted to. And I didn't. Not at the moment, at least. I had a feeling that would change pretty fucking soon. There was a damn huge 'BUT' in the air.
"However, all of this leaves me very confused. Are these my real feelings, or am I projecting your feelings? I have never been around a human who feels so strongly. Your emotions overwhelm me. You deserve better than uncertainty. Not to mention..."
"You have a wife. Yeah, that's not ideal for a new romance."
Jasper sighed and caressed the side of my face. It felt like he didn't like the fact that he was taken right then. There was a very unwelcomed spark of hope in my chest. I was so not going to be a fucking home wrecker. I could never do that to Jasper.
"She's not just my wife. Alice is my mate."
And what the fuck was that supposed to mean? Like, was he talking about some fated lovers type of shit? Sure, I believed in true love. Kind of hard not to when everyone in your family marry their one and only loves at a young age and then they tend to stay together until death do them apart. But some pre-determined red-string, fate thing? Hell no!
"What do you mean? Like some one true love type of stuff?" I asked.
It didn't bode well for my secret plans to steal Jasper all to myself... No, wait. I mean my secret plans to... support Jasper as his friend. Yeah. I was totally not drooling over him and wanting him to just drop everything and make me his. Preferrably by fucking me so hard that I drowned into the disgusting couch cushions we were sitting on. So not on my mind...
"Vampires have mates. Our other halves that complete us. There is something in our biology that drives us to mate with our perfect partners. Some speculate that this is an evolutionary precaution to ensure the survival of our species from extermination. Mates will move heaven and earth to protect one another. Alice is my mate."
"Okay... but you were in love with Maria, right? How does that work?"
I wasn't buying it. Jasper had just told me that he loved Maria so fucking much that he became a sadistic murderer for her. How was that possible if he had a pre destined lover out there somewhere? Or was it like the Quilete wolf-mojo? One look at your 'true love' or whatever the fuck they called it, and BAM! Nothing else mattered anymore?
"I... I thought I did. She was all I knew once upon a time. When I met Alice, I knew how wrong I was. We had an instant connection. Alice saved my life..."
We would just have to agree to disagree about that. I mean, I didn't know the entire story about him and Maria, but that felt like 'instant connection' too. I couldn't quite wrap my head around how it was so different with Alice.
And was it just me, or did it sound a lot more like he felt indebted to Alice than he was truly in love with her? It must've been my pettiness talking. I was just trying to grasp on whatever straw I could to keep the annoying hope alive.
It would've been so much easier if I could buy in the whole 'soulmates' thingy. It would suck to deal with a broken heart, but I could get over something like that. All the normal kids did, so why wouldn't I be able to? It was pretty much impossible to get over this stupid 'love' thing when some tiny part of me held onto hope that maybe Jasper would some day love me...
"Whatever. Now that we've established that I love you, even after you told me what you've done, can we go? Because I'm like starving. Really."
I should just push it to the back of my mind. I swear I was going to explode some day soon. It wasn't healthy to bottle shit up like this, but I honestly didn't have time to deal with my problems right now. It wasn't like I had ever had my priorities right.
There was a wedding to sabotage, after all.
Author's Final Notes:
So... it's a little late again. Sorry about that. I had the worst case of procrastination sickness. No excuses, I'm just a lazy piece of shit who can't focus on anything longer than two minutes. Curse us Millenials, am I right? :D
I was originally planning on moving the story along a little bit more, but then I came to the realization that this conversation should probably happen between Ella and Jasper. So, our regularly scheduled 'plot' (lol) kicks in next time. There might be a spectacular shit show on its way... Please enjoy this interlude in the meantime.
I'll keep this short and sweet, as I should be sleeping right about now. Alas, I felt the strong need to post this before I could relax so here we are. Let's see... I'm sorry that I kept you all waiting for so long. I'm working on my inability to get things done on time. :P
Also, wowza! Over 11000 views! You guys make me so fucking happy. And pumped af to keep going, despite what my sluggish posting might indicate! Thank you all for following, favoriting and commenting. It's always a great fun to read what you guys think of my story. And thank you all for being so patient. I'm aware that this is suuuuuuper slow paced story.
But like I think I said earlier, it's a marathon. Life's a journey and all the other cliche's! Let's all have an amazing week, yeah? I'll see you soon... hopefully. :D
