I ran – each thump of my feet against the gym floor mimicking my heartbeat. I kept my breathing steady as I ran nimbly with the other students, round and around the rectangle shape of the gymnasium. I kept near the front of the pack, peeking over my shoulder every so often to cheek on Josie and Otto. They were not born runners – their heads bobbled from side to side and their hair stuck to their face like a second skin. I gave them an encouraging smile before turning back to the front, relishing the way my bones sang as I ran, ran behind the two Cullen brothers – Jasper and Emmett who were in my class. I kept my distance from them, careful not to nip their heals with my toes as we went. Both brothers hadn't broken a single bead of sweat and I couldn't help but glare at the backs of their heads in envy as I felt a single droplet of sweat trickle down my face.
It was only when the coach blew the whistle that I collided into the backs of the two brothers – my small hands pressing against their dry grey shirts as I balanced myself and quickly apologised before hastily making my way to my friends. Both of their faces were stained red and their mouths were open wide as they tried to gobble up as much oxygen as their lungs could carry. I placed a gentle hand on Josie's back, tilting my head up so I could look into her eyes.
"Hello, you." I said softly with a smile – pride gleaming in my eyes. "You alright there?" Josie nodded, swallowing deeply as she tried to cover up her exhaustion. I shook my head lightly and went up on my tiptoes as I placed both of my hands upon her shoulders. "Hey, you did amazing." I told her truthfully, encouragingly. "You should be proud of yourself, because," I pressed a hand against my heart, "I am." I told her with a timid smile that made her mirror my grin. "And you," I said lightly, turning to Otto who had taken to lying on the floor with his eyes facing the ceiling. I dropped to my knees carefully so I sat next to his lounging form. "You did impeccably, you trooper." I tapped his nose with my finger.
"Yea, yea." Otto exhaled, swatted my finger away. "There's no need to take pity on us." I crinkled my nose in surprise.
Shaking my head I replied, "but I'm not." Otto tilted his head to the side, raising one of his eyebrows as if to challenge my honesty. "You both did amazing, it's not pity…it's pride. I couldn't do half the things you two do, yet you two…" I paused, looking up at Josie who was still gathering herself – evening her breathing. "You did amazing." Awe laced my words together, as I looked in-between my new friends. It wasn't just that they completed the run, but it was everything they had done for me – made me feel inside.
Getting to my feet, I held out both of my hands towards Otto. He narrowed his eyes at my hands – hesitating before grasping them in his own. He tugged on my hands as he got up, causing me to take a few steps forward as he got to his feet.
"Ooop!" The nose slipped out of my mouth as he dragged me towards him. "There you are," I continued after releasing his hands. "Now, since we are playing volleyball I suppose it's time for you to see one of my many weakness."
"Volleyball huh? But it's just hitting a ball, shorty." Otto ruffled my hair as he spoke, gesturing towards the nets with his head.
"Yea, but it's hitting an evil ball." I said childishly, "w-with a mind of it's own!" I protested, tilting my head up so I could look into his eyes. Otto released a small puff of laughter at my youthful behavior – my childish eyes and voice.
"Well aren't you just the child." Otto teased – coaxing a smile to pirouette across my lips.
I shrugged simply, my eyes foolishly wide as I spoke, "There's no point being grown-up if you can't be childish sometimes – The Forth Doctor." I told my friends happily, believing every word as it trickled out of my mouth. For my whole life I had been brought up around little kids – seeing their childhood innocence glittering in their eyes. Each time I looked into their eyes, it reminded me to hold onto that – that wild innocence, that childlike nature no matter how old I became. It was a beautiful thing, something to be treasured and I intended to – to see the world through childish eyes, through eyes that seeked and yearned for wonders.
It wasn't long before the coach split us up into groups of boys, who played basketball, and girls who were assigned to play volleyball. Both Josie and I waved goodbye to Otto who reluctantly left us to join the other boys in our class. Luckily, Josie and I were on the same team but the longer I stood in front of the net as I waited for the ball to come – the longer I could feel the impending embarrassment blossom in the form of red on my cheeks.
I bent my knees slightly as the opposing team eyed us up and down. I placed my hands in the correct hold as I took in a deep breath – awaiting the ball, awaiting embarrassment. The ball flew over the net in one soft motion and the game commenced. My first hit was good to my surprise; a small smile teased my lips as I set up the ball perfectly. I looked to my right, watching as Josie spiked it over the net with skill. One point to us. It was only the third time the ball came my way that my insides clenched with embarrassment as I hit the ball backwards – straight over my head and into the wall behind us. Everyone on our court became silence as their eyes locked on mine. The other team laughed, and some tried to stifle their giggles. I straighten up, twirling around to see where the ball had landed behind me.
"I suppose an oopsie, is in order." I said shyly as I picked up the ball as if it were a fragile object. "Oopsie." I said with a smile, my right shoulder lifting upwards as my cheek kissed the raised shoulder. "Here you go." I walked towards the net, bending down slightly so I could go underneath it and onto our opponent's side. I approached the closest girl to me and outstretched the ball with a delicate yet cautious smile. The girl opposite me looked me up and down with judging eyes, her large form towering over mine. She then smiled a crooked grin before snatching the ball away. My fingers trembled at the sudden snatch – surprised at her force.
"Nice moves Fawn, better get back to your own side." She sneered, looking down at me as if she held a higher status than I. I frowned slightly, tilting my head to the side in bewilderment at the way she spoke, the way she regarded me.
"Thank you, I suppose." I said cautiously, keeping my voice gentle as I spoke. "And well done for your nice moves too." I told her with the friendliest of smiles I could conjure. "Especially when you dived and missed the ball, that was very nice." I sucked in my bottom lip, keeping my features childlike and innocent as hers turned hard – angry. I then twirled around and skipped back to my side of the net with my team mates giving me encouraging smiles and pats on the back. "So," I began, holding my hands together as I swayed from side to side, "shall we play?"
The girl didn't wait another second before slamming the ball with as much force as she could. I jumped at the sound of her hand colliding against the ball, my eyes widening as I focused on the speed of the ball. Seeing it coming straight for Josie, I lunged – hitting the ball away before landing hard on the floor. Although my hit didn't soar the ball over the net my teammates saved my shot for me. I quickly got to my feet, brushing my hand against Josie's arm in a soothing manner as her breathing had increased rapidly. We scored the next point, causing the girl on the other team to crack her neck and sneer in an animalistic way. I took a single step backwards, surprised at her behavior towards a simple game. I then bent my knees, took in a deep breath, and played volleyball.
Although I experienced a few more embarrassing moments during the game, our team was the victor. I smiled joyfully as my teammates and I hugged one another, smiled and gave each other encouraging comments. Biting my lip whilst I smiled, whilst I had Josie's arm wrapped around my waist as we celebrated I peeked over to the right where I saw Otto – where the boys were still playing their heated game of Basketball. He was sweating, panting as he dribbled. My smile widened when he shot the ball successfully in the net but somehow – with a control that didn't seem to be my own, my eyes drifted towards Jasper. He hadn't broken a single bead of sweat. He looked calm and composed – tense and controlled as his eyes looked at me – into me. I could feel his eyes pulse in my very own; feel foreign thoughts that I did not want to possess manipulate my heartbeat.
With one sharp movement, I snapped my head away. No, I had to stop this, these feelings of attraction…they had to go. A person was not defined by their appearance, but by their hearts, by their souls and so far…. so far I had heard nothing regarding his heart, his personality. I shook my head as my smile slowly faded from my lips. I had to stop these feelings within me, they were wrong – unwanted and I knew then what I had to do. Tonight, that's when I would do it, when I would seek out my freedom and be consumed – consumed by solace's lullaby.
It was midnight when I let – when I left the naked white walls to bathe underneath the stars above. My violin case was draped over my shoulders as I climbed out of the window and down the edge of the house – the rain covering any noise I made. My feet landed on the grass with a soft echoing thump before I quickly got on my bicycle and rode of into the night. The rain kissed my face as I rode, soaked through my clothes and drenched my hair. It was as if I was being cleansed, being cleansed from schoolwork, from the stares, from unwanted feelings – from everything. My hair clung to my face as I rode past sleeping houses. I didn't spare the homes a glance, but kept my head up, my foolish eyes flicking to the stars as I relied on their ghost of a light to guide me.
The second I saw the forest; I got off my bike and broke out into a run. My feet were light – agile as I went, as the lightning illuminated the enchanting maze of leaves and bark. I felt wild, the feeling of freedom prickling my veins, popping bubbles within me. I smiled as I went, smiled with my eyes, my lips – my entire being. After an entire day of being trapped within a brick building I was finally released. Seeing a large long, my grin widened as I leapt over it, giggling as I slipped on the muddy surface and collided with the raw surface of our planet. I rolled to my side, unafraid of the dirt, of the grass and twigs that clung to me as I got back up to my feet and recommenced my run – my run of freedom.
I came to an abrupt stop when I reached the bottom of the waterfall. My chest rose and fell with each intake of breath. The waterfall was magnificent, a creation of a dream. I took it in with all my senses, the way it smelt, the way the air tasted on my tongue – it was intoxicating. Slipping my violin case off my shoulders, I approached the edge of the waterfall; the rain so soft that it's presence was only visible by the tiny ripples in the shallow water. Bending down in a cluster of leaves, I removed my fraying converse and socks. I then tilted my head back in pleasure at the feel of the soil, the grass, and the leaves in between my toes. Pealing off my blue parka, I was left in a pastel blue dress.
I couldn't help but smile as I outstretched my arms in the rain; it's touch soothing against my skin. I inhaled another deep breath as I looked up at the stares with big eyes, with eyes that prickled with a wetness of their own. I liked to think that whilst I looked up at the stars that they looked back down at me, that all the people who I had loved, who had died, shinned in the sky as the watched their loved ones bellow. I did a slow twirl, my eyes not moving from one particular star in the sky. Although it looked the same as they others, I was drawn to it – the way it sparked, the way it shined, the way it…. looked into me.
I licked away the cool shell that had formed over my lips and slowly dropped my arms to my side as I looked up to that one star. "Hello, Mama." I whispered, whispered just for her. "I… ah," I felt my heart hiccup and the tip of my nose burn. "I ah, I had m-my fi-first day of school today." I told her softly as I tried to swallow my tears but each time I blinked, each time my eyes misted over – she was there. It was if her face was stained to the back of my eyelids. I could feel a sob clot in my throat and my eyes become blurry from tears that have yet to fall. "I…" my words are lost once more as my heart jolts. "I miss you, Mama." I sucked in my lips as I try and hold my breath; hold back the tears that I never allowed anyone to see. But when the lack of breathe became too much to bare, I released a raw sob. "I miss you so, so much, Mama." My voice was broken as I spoke, fractured in spots as I spoke to that one star above, hoping with everything that I had, that my mama was listening, that she was looking down upon me and feeling the love that I had for her – that I have for her. "I…" I whipped my nose with the back of my hand, "I-I l-love you." I said in the tiniest of whispers, a whisper meant for the dead – for the stars. Taking a deep breath, I swallowed back my tears and forced a smile on my face. My mama was in a better place, she no longer felt pain, no longer had to suffer and so I couldn't let her see mine – my pain. "This one is for your, mama." I whispered, "just like old times, expect now…you're just watching from a different angle."
I took in another breath, letting it whistle down my lungs and sooth my insides. I then flicked my gaze to the ground as I took out my violin and stepped into the shallow water. I waded out a little further before placing my violin on the curve of my neck. My fingers were steady yet gentle against the neck of my violin, as were my fingers on my bow. Not bothering to flick my hair out of my eyes, I drew my bow across the strings and a melody took flight. My fingers moved with agility and precision as the music poured out into the waterfall. I could feel all of my hidden emotions leak out onto the strings and fly into the sky, swim into the water and climb up the trees. This music consumed me, yet freed me. I could feel my body move to the music effortlessly, my legs wrapped around my body as I spun, spun and spun. Water splashed around me as I turned, walked and leapt through it. Every worry, every fear had taken flight with the melody and I was left in solace.
As I went on point, I outstretched my leg behind me and spun slowly as my toes sunk into the sand. My body twisted this way and that as I performed a gentle yet passionate dance to accompany my piece. I could feel my hair getting wetter from the splashes and the rain strengthen in it's fall. But I didn't stop. I needed a release, an escape from school, responsibilities, and unwanted thoughts. I wanted to feel bliss, to envelope my self in ecstasy – to make my mama proud, my mama happy. This feeling of bliss, of capturing solace finally consumed me as I reached the crescendo of the piece. I placed everything I had into the music, into the dance. I poured my soul, my entire being onto the strings as I played – as I played solace's lullaby.
It was only when I was halfway back to my bike when my inner bliss turned to ash. I paused mid-stride in the forest; the crunch of my final footstep seemed to echo as my eyes captured sight of it – something that made my insides boil, churn until I was crouched over and spilling out my dinner into the bush. My throat stung – ached as I vomited but the instant I finished, I got up to my feet and approached the bloody mess. Before me was the very thing that haunted my nightmares – a dead animal.
I crouched down next to the deer's unmoving form. It was covered in blood, in half moon shaped bites. I could feel my heart stutter – my lungs stopped working as my fingers trembled over the deer. I licked my dry lips, but I couldn't breathe, I couldn't…. couldn't – just couldn't. I licked my lips over and over, refusing to blink, refusing to breathe. My hands trembled, shook as I tried to muster up the courage to touch the deer – to trace its wounds. From its size, the deer couldn't have been more then a fawn, just a baby fawn and that made it so, so much worse. Taking in a breath of air – the oxygen no longer tasted sweet, it tasted sour. What type of creature, no, monster could have done this? Could have slaughtered, could have mauled such an innocent creature? My fingers traced the shapes of the bites. They were like nothing I had ever seen before and that frightened me. I suddenly felt the hairs prickle on the back of my neck and the sounds, the crunching of twigs and rustling of leaves that had once been so comforting turned threatening. But I couldn't leave the deer here, no.
So instead, I took of my parka and using my hands I began to dig. I dug through the dirt – my nails breaking as I went but I did not stop. My mind thought about the deer, about the thing that could have done this and I felt sick inside. It wasn't a bite that I knew – it seemed too precise, too neat for it to be anything I knew of. Once I finished digging, I lifted the deer up and placed a single kiss on its nose.
"Hush now, it's alright." I whispered as I placed the fawn in the small pit I had dug. "You're at peace now," I pulled my arms out from underneath it's fragile form. "You're safe now." And with that, I cover the fawn with dirt – picked some flowers to place of it's small grave and sung a lullaby. It was the lullaby my mama used to sing me. The song was a promise– a promise of no more fear, of enteral joy, of love.
Dropping my bike into a cluster of leaves, I approach the tree outside my bedroom window. Every time I blinked, I could still see the deer, what that monster had done to it. I could feel my insides churn – the pain that seeing that deer made me feel, strangled my veins. But I couldn't let myself be consumed in darkness. I had found solace tonight, I played music for the stars and the deer was now somewhere better – I had to believe that. Taking in a deep breath of air, I savored its freshness before I wrapped my fingers around a branch and began to climb. I felt my foot slip and I couldn't hold back the small yelp that escape my mouth as I clung to the tree. I quickly found my footing and continued to climb the tree.
When I reached my window I placed one had on the windowsill and the other on a branch as I hoisted myself up. With my feet now resting on two branches, I hoisted myself up higher before opening the window and tumbling inside. My attempt to do this gracefully was ruined the second I placed my leg on the windowsill. I squeezed my eyes shut as I fell straight onto my bed, releasing a small scream that was muffled by the duvet.
"I didn't realize the front door was broken?" At the sound of my little cousin's voice and after the initial shock of hearing it in my room wore off, I rolled off my bed and outstretched my arms with my head tilted back.
"Seeing wonders." I spoke as I twirled before meeting her not amused eyes. I bit my lip as I approached her, taking her hand in mine before leading her to the window. "Aren't they wonderful?" I asked Bella as I looked up to the stars, to the dead who watched over us.
"Yea," she replied unconvincingly as she nodded. "But hey, Willa, you're not in India anymore." Her worlds forced my eyes to flick to hers as my heart suddenly fell a little bit. "You can't just run off at night." I frowned at her words, scrunching up my nose in confusion.
With my index finger, I tapped her little nose gently before making my way to my wardrobe. "But that's the only time I can, Bells." I told her softly with a smile. Turning around on the balls of my feet, I looked up at my little cousin – trying to show what I felt, what I saw through my eyes when I free. "The world is full of wonders Bella, the night it…it sings to me like some magnetic force yearning to be discovered." I told her truthfully with wide eyes and a smile. "Night was the time mama and I used to talk, used to discover and lay underneath the stars as we made up names for the stars above. It's magical and no matter where I go, I won't be able to resist that pull." The smile that I held never left my face as I spoke, nor the gentleness in my voice or the wideness of my eyes. "But you didn't come in here to ask if little ol'Willa was alright, so what's wrong?" I asked in the softest of manners, giving her all my attention.
"Do…do I smell?" My eyes widened at her question and I couldn't help but release a small puff of surprise.
"Why would you ask such a silly thing?" I wondered aloud, puzzled by her sudden question. I gestured for her to take a seat on my bed whilst I decided to change into my pyjamas. Turning my back to her, I listened intently to her words.
"Well, you know Edward Cullen?" She asked and I turned to face her after pulling on my Ariel Pyjama top. I titled my head to the side as I recalled the specific boy she was talking about.
My cheeks prickled a pastel pink, "The boy who couldn't keep his eyes of you?" I asked lightly, releasing a small melody of giggles as her jaw set into a straight line. "The boy who made you blush dur-" My words were cut off when she threw a pillow at me. I laugh, catching it and threw it right back at her.
"I did not blush." She said firmly yet the smile on her face confessed her lie. I quirked an eyebrow and she chucked the pillow right back at me, hitting me in the head.
"So are you going to tell me little Bells, or will we just keep on having this pillow fight?" I asked and continued to change into my matching pyjama shorts.
"Well in biology I think he smelt me and was repulsed, or something." My eyes widened in surprise and my eyebrows furrowed. I then came to sit beside her. I leaned in and smelt her before pulling back.
Shaking my head I said, "nope, you're fine." I told her with a smile and a shrug.
"Okay well let's say for argument sake that I did smell in biology, would you want to change class because of it?" I shook my head instantly and took her hands in my own. "Off course, not." I told her. "And you don't smell so you have nothing to worry about. Edward must have had a cold? His brother did in History s-so maybe the c-cold decided to pay him a little 'hello' too." I told her lightly but from her expression I could tell she didn't appreciate my answer. I hummed as I thought before saying, "maybe he's just a little," I paused.
"A little what?" She asked bluntly and I sighed.
"Different." I said slowly. "I mean every one is different but his kind of different is just…"
"Strange, weird." She stated. "Something doesn't seem…normal with him, with his family."
"I suppose." I told her and fiddled with the lace of my pyjama shorts. "But then again, what is normal?" I wondered.
"Not them." I shook my head lightly at this, a little put out by her sudden conclusions.
With a sigh, I patted the bed, "come on you, you can sleep with me tonight." I told her gently and pealed back the covers so we could both slip in.
Once underneath them, she placed her hand against mine and laughed when she saw how much bigger hers was. "I love you, Willa."
My features softened at her words and I folded my fingers between hers. "I love you too Bells, forever-"
"And always," Bells finished before we both closed our eyes and tumbled – tumbled into our dreams.
