The ever-cautious Nindroid sat atop his Christmas igloo eating some fresh Christmas pie. He was beaming like a girder on a skyscraper.
"I am eating heartily," he said to the Falcon. The mechanical bird nodded and picked up a clock. The clock rang viciously until Zane's auditory receptors exploded into tiny bits of technology residue.
Zane eyed the earish residue with disdain. "I am a Zane of disdain now..." he sighed with epicness. Beowulf would have been truly proud.
Just then, Beowulf crashed through the door and held up a photo of Leonard from Big Bang. "Guess who just got invited to party, homes?"
Zane nodded with righteous masculinity and then prepared to shave his head. Because he was just a minifigure, all he had to do was eliminate the plastic hair chunk on his head with a quick flick of the wrist.
"Now we gotta go to the fiesta, brohan!" said Beowulf. He picked up his pet chicken and revved it up past the 20-minute mark. It sure was cool to see such an epic guy do epic things with an icy ninja.
"Hey Zane!" called Jay as he walked in with a spoonful of Spartan turmoil and ravaged the wall with it. The wall became stained like an indirect object.
"Crude dealings to my homeland..." Zane mused as he gazed at the blue boy with anger in his irises. He then took out his labelled nose and stabbed a turkey leg until it released most of the leftover gravy.
Jay's mouth opened slowly and effectively. Instantly, the gravy seeped into his jaw. Jay's taste buds were totes sated.
That was the exact moment when...
KAI!
"KAI!" Kai cried as he broke his knee on the door frame. It fell into a kabob-like state that puzzled even the most advanced scientific minds.
Zane inspected the hurt knee of the red one. His eyeball needed a savage licking so he quickly put tongue to cornea like my uncle would do back at the KFC on first street.
"Sweet!" Jay said eyeing the eye-licking with glee. Even Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindude was there and he looked so mad at the holiday spirit.
"Shove off!" said Beowulf, drawing his electric toothbrush and furiously scraping the moss off of Rudolph's antlers.
Then an ant learnt. He learnt how to speak Latin and Beowulf was very impressed and invited him to the amphitheatre.
"Golly," said the ant. "I didn't know my life was about to get totes epic today!" The ant then grabbed a noodle and skipped over it like a jump rope, but not just any jump rope. It was the same jump rope skipping that Zane had seen in his dreams last night.
Zane ate a kumquat and ran up to the noodle. Spinning it around his fork-like robot hand, he procured the pasta strand. He really felt like the sickest attitude since Samuel did it last Tuesday.
Samuel overheard Zane's arm rotations and got angry about gasoline for some reason. Word is that he's a total gloomy loser.
That's exactly when Cole entered the room with his oyster collection. He lined the shells on the runway so he could summon the one and only St. Nick himself.
BOOm... said an explosion that got quieter at the very end because it was nervous about meeting new people.
Jay put his eye over the sink. "So... this is why you are Zane." He looked at Zane with the same eye. "Am I more chameleon or wizard these days?"
Dareth was in the corner of the room exempting himself from jury duty yet again. He really looked like a slimeball in his glow-in-the-dark pajamas. Has anyone seen the DKC Christmas special?" He asked, refraining from an opening quotation mark just to be difficult.
Cole wound up a can of fish oil and handed the leftovers to Beowulf. Beowulf thanked the earth guy and drank the oil. The mixture of the viscous contents made his belly ache until high noon.
"Yeah, that'd be the cowboy way..." howdied Kai as he adjusted his sunglasses and ten-gallon hat. He laced up his boots and trudged over to the pretty ladies at the bar. "Ever kissed a man who had his tonsils removed twice?" he asked with eyebrows of pure sass.
So, that's finally when the noodle entered way up into Zane's nostril caverns. He was a robot, so it didn't hurt; it was just slightly uncomfortable, like when you challenge Dry Bones to curling in Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Winter Games for Nintendo DS.
"Dang, I love adventure mode..." sighed Sensei Wu, sipping tea and clicking Wii remotes.
"Old consoles are bogus," said Jay. He pouted until Nya came into the room with a bottle of New York's famous winter water.
"Swell!" said Cole. He loved Dasani more than life itself. He then drank until his plastic stomach was filled.
"Do you feel lucky?" asked Kai to Zane, looking deep into his face for closer inspection of the spaghetti invader.
"I like it up my nose, see?" said Zane to Kai and then he bent his knee back into place using a hammer and screwdriver.
"Thanks for fixing the knee on me," said Kai, bowing until he got soup in his ears. His ears fell off and landed inside Zane's nose, shredding the noodle on contact.
Zane wept for his issue, but quickly halted his tears once he realised how hot caramel is inside cocoa.
Jay spoke a word.
Cole broke into his rubbish bin and extracted a hidden calculator. He spelt mean words on it and showed Zane.
"Not cool, dude..." Zane Chris McLeaned.
"My, my..." said Sensei Wu, sipping more tea like an absolute legend. His butt was sitting down and staring at the ninjas intently like an iron fist.
Cole questioned the ideologies of kelp and this caused yet another global crisis.
"Special toes... don't get woes..." said Kai in his most sage identity since the firecracker junction in Manchester.
A lemon then fell onto Jay's tongue. It was a mystical source of electricity according to Wikipedia, so Jay accepted its grace. "I'm accepting things today because I am Nya's incredibly bodacious bae," explained the ninja of shocking good-looks.
"Gnarly, dude!" said Kai. He stuck his hands into Zane's nostrils and tried to locate his missing ears. Several times, he accidentally extracted Zane's skull, but he always apologised like a grand lad.
"GANDER!" shrieked Cole with goose-hating envy. He dove into Kai's pocket and fed off of the lint until the queue ended.
Kai was in so much pain and slipped. He tripped and fell into Zane's nose, meaning both he and Cole had been lost forever.
"I am required to now begin spelunking!" Jay announced, strapping on his cleats and tying a rope to every twelfth tooth. He slid into Zane's nose and crept ever deeper into the caverns of chaos.
Sensei Wu enjoyed the sight of his students exploring their true potentials so he whipped out his Nokia and called up Lloyd.
Lloyd arrived via his tallest Honchkrow. The Falcon immediately fell in love with the buff avian thing and they wed like a couple of idiots.
"What is life doing, old man?" asked Lloyd, smacking a rear anchovy back into place before it was too late.
Sensei Wu pointed to Zane's overflowing nostrils in which expeditions were becoming rampant.
"Oh yeah!" said the green ninja and he did his expert Spinjitsu into the nostril and explored alongside his brethren.
"Hi Lloyd!" said Jay as he and the other two dudes were watching Always Sunny reruns on their new flatscreen. Nobody had ever known that Zane secretly had an electronics store carefully cramped up inside his nosy nook.
Lloyd turned on the RTX and blasted his Minecraft graphics into the next dimension. As he did this, Zane's mucus membranes started to glow with exceptional flair. It was almost like a demon tortoise getting its shell stuck in the Hershey's Bars.
Sensei Wu sipped tea one more time and then grabbed a candy cane. Santa had just arrived thanks to Cole's big-brain move and now it was time for the old guys to have a wrestling championship.
CHAPTER 2:
Sensei Wu and Santa wrestled in their luchador outfits from sunrise 'til sunset. Their muscles were so veiny because they worked out at the gym like dedicated champs and not like Garmadon who just sits around all day playing COD whilst slurping Gatorade goulash.
Zane watched with bated breath as the old men brawled like the heroes of Camelot. He sure wished Beowulf could see all this righteous action. Beowulf had just died from getting accidentally poisoned by Cole's fish oil. The bald Nindroid was still in mourning.
Kai poked his head out of Zane's nose so he could see the fight for himself. Noticing it was just another old man fight, he slid back inside and resumed partying with the boys.
Zane wept because a corn landed in his lap and now he had to eat it in order to retained his club membership.
He chewed the corn and then the ingested corn turned into popcorn in his nose. Kai, Cole, Jay, and Lloyd ate of the popcorn and then begged Zane for some Twinkies. Their tummies were totally not satisfied as of late.
Zane continued weeping and ran to the store to buy Twinkies. He carefully inserted a Twinkie into each nostril (he secretly had four, so there was enough for all of his guests).
The Falcon showed Zane its wedding ring. "I am wed," it said.
The Honchkrow ran up to Zane and kicked his booty up to the highest hill. The hill then exploded into the halfway point and collided with a pile of manatee corpses.
*CAVERN - MGS1 plays*
Sensei Wu and Santa sipped some pina coladas before the sun rose again. Tomorrow was finally Christmas!
Zane took a paperclip and jammed it way up there until he struck his own brain. The brain got an extended warranty until the next high noon.
"R-A-D-I-O... Mario. That's the magic word..." said Dareth. "Now let's give it some juice with this Chaos Emerald and we're all set!"
Soon afterward, a taxi pulled up and Pythor stepped out with a sick purple rifle. He blasted both Sensei Wu and Santa into Swiss cheese and then locked and loaded for more mayhem.
Zane just looked into Pythor's eyes and sapped his energy via that one trick from uni that always works.
More cows rained down like a captain's quarters. Who was the captain? Zane, of course! He pulled out a huge net and caught the falling cattle like a true winner. The cows all smooched Zane and he thanked them for being dairy sources.
The cows were also secretly angels, so once Zane had his back turned, they sprouted their wings and flew back to heaven.
"I see, so Zane has ninjas inside his olfactory system?" said the cow angel's boss, Willem Dafoe. He called up the Green Goblin and they got to work on shooting Spider-Man out of the sky.
"MARY JANE!" cried Spider-Man as he fell on a truck and dented it and got sued heavily by a big man with knuckles that could punch puppies to death.
Zane heard the puppy threats all the way from his stool, but did nothing because he put all of the puppies in a very safe box already.
"Woof," said one of the cutest puppies.
"Crouton," replied Zane. He sniffled a bit to prevent his friends from leaking out. He then benchpressed 900 kilos until he heard the jingling of Christmas bells. Sitting back up, he saw Mrs. Claus.
"Where is my fat husband?" asked the old lady.
"Dead, along with Sensei Wu," said Zane. He then grabbed Mrs. Claus and threw her into the sun. She exploded and the power of Christmas rained down.
A very intelligent gecko got hit by the Christmas power and transformed into a brand-new St. Nick.
"I am so enthusiastic about my new life!" said the gecko. He danced to many Bing Crosby songs that year.
THE HOLLY JOLLY END
