The pain on Jungkook's cheek hurt less than seeing his father in front of him, with a serious look, chin up and mouth pulled into a frown. Not an ounce of shame at what he'd done: touching his son for the first time in years, only to harm him.
After all this time of shoving Jeon Sungho closer to the edge, Jungkook got what he wanted. A reaction. A short sudden burst of feelings that he had been desperate to glimpse, ever since his father told him and his sister Yongsun that their mother had left with no tears running down his cheeks.
Jungkook had been twelve that morning, when he learned what it meant to be sad. And whenever he was sad after that, his eyes poured out. He turned into a crier while his father turned into a wall, teaching Jungkook through silent and distant ways that indifference was indeed a dark phase in life that could last a long time.
And Jungkook resented him for it.
So he pushed and poked and dug his fingers in all his father's deep cracks, hoping to see it—whatever it was—dribbling out of him, waiting to change Jungkook's mind about one of the few people he used to look up to. Yet, the way it happened was unexpected.
It wasn't like the times the old man used to stroke his knuckles on Jungkook's chin when bumping into each other in the hallway, humming to an 80's song that Jungkook's mother would play around the house during her good days. The ones Jungkook didn't even know were good until the bad days filled the weeks to the brim.
Memories like this felt foreign now. Part of a foggy dream. A different life Jungkook no longer deserved, for whatever reason. Though he knew; he was sure. The villain had always been his father, the cause of the destruction of what Jungkook once called family. It was all he could think about when he looked at him, a resentment that smoldered so deep inside that made everything else hurt.
Now Jungkook's palms protested under the roughness of his bitten nails as he glared at his dad, engrossed in what felt like an endless staring contest, trying to prove he was better at it. Not even the abrupt, desperate cries of the baby in the next room caught Jungkook's attention.
Head jerking to the side, Sungho froze. As if he'd forgotten the existence of his youngest child until now, finally aware of it. His features soaked in recognition and concern and—
In an instant, Jungkook saw in his father's eyes a flicker of remorse. Was he regretting touching him? Or was he regretting replacing Jungkook's mother with a younger woman just to bring another unwanted son into the world?
Jungkook's nostrils flared at the thought.
"Wait," Sungho said, bushy eyebrows pinched together, the skin wrinkling in between, one hand running through his dyed-black hair.
His eyes looked red and exhausted, a result of this pity fight after a long shift at the office. The type of shifts Jungkook knew his father took to escape the parenting job that waited for him at home, certain that the man had never wanted to apply for it in the first place.
"Wait a minute." His voice was calmer and collected now. He turned around, dragging his feet, mouth opening and closing as if he were considering something.
But Jungkook wasn't going to wait for it. Didn't even want to stay and listen to whatever his father had to say, knowing that no life-changing words would ever come out of his mouth. Jungkook just wanted to get the hell out of there for good.
Wheels turned inside his head as he remembered where the keys to the old red car were. Even where Sungho kept some money that Jungkook could easily take. Just for kicks, since he had his own money saved. Because this wasn't the first time Jungkook thought about running away. Deep down, he'd been waiting for an opportunity like this. A one-way ticket to new uncertainties, at least not parent-related ones. Just a recently graduated twenty-year-old adult, with no other dream than to knock on his big sister's door in that old building in Busan. Then maybe look for his estranged mother and invite her to lunch.
He was all in for a shitty conversation about why she left him in Gwangju to rot with his dad.
Too many years have passed, though. His mother must already be married to another man. Or to a woman. With three adopted children in a condo, playing changgi every Sunday after eating at the city's fanciest restaurant. Or not married at all. No new kids, just free from any kind of responsibility.
Yeah, it sounded nice. He would have left for a life like that, too.
Another cry bumped against the walls. And it was unfair, so fucking unfair, how Sungho now had a chance to check on his newborn son and avoid Jungkook completely. His face showed how he was wrestling with the idea. But instead of lingering for his father's decision, making it even easier for him, Jungkook decided to leave.
The door closed behind him after he stormed out, laminated floor creaking beneath his black slippers on the way to his room. He tossed his duffle over the bed sheets and grabbed some things from his closet at record speed; his black boots, the yellow jacket Yongsun got him, and whatever else that could fit in one bag. All his favorite stuff that cluttered the corners of the room was no longer favorite, so he just left with the essentials without looking back.
His father was nowhere to be seen when Jungkook hurried down the stairs in big strides, zooming out the faces on the walls as he always did. As if he was eleven again, waking up on a Monday morning after oversleeping and almost missing his exam day. Those times when his mother would wait at the front door to take him to school, with a bag of snacks in her hand and a smile on her lips that today felt too painfully distant.
Now Jungkook's phone showed 9:15 at night. The only thing by the door was two pairs of shoes, soon to be three.
The red Hyundai Pony rested in the garage in the same position Sungho had left it some time ago, covered in a thin layer of dust. It was the car that took the Jeons from Busan to their new home in Gwangju when Jungkook was little. The one that joined them on a few road trips, showing Jungkook many blue skies and not enough landscapes. The same car, today forgotten between shadows and mouldy things and a brand new SUV.
Sungho's six-month-old vehicle, which he shared with his girlfriend, looked huge next to the red one. Jungkook has never set foot in it, and he could tell from the size alone that his father had bought it with a different type of family in mind. A younger model, completely safe for at least five kids, special for parents who were suckers for a perfect life full of little and innocent disappointments.
After changing his shoes next to the Hyundai, Jungkook struggled with the handle of the driver side's door. Once opened, he threw his duffle in the back and got in, dust-filled fingers trembling as he closed the door and fastened his seat belt.
Wanting more light than the one sneaking from the hallway, Jungkook searched for the switch. A click sound broke the silence once. Two times, three times. Yet, nothing. The darkness stayed, mixed with a sense of imminent doom that came with sitting on a literal piece of shit with not even a light bulb working. Great. The car was so old, it wouldn't even surprise Jungkook if it didn't start.
Shitshitshit. Adrenaline coursed through him, his heart thudding against his ribcage, yelling at him to go, to leave on foot if he had to before his father could stop him. But at that moment, Jungkook hesitated.
It wasn't because he didn't want to do this. He really did. But what if he was overreacting? What if this was a bad idea?
His hands shivered in the air as he shut his eyes, second thoughts crowding in. He tried to breathe out, slowly and evenly. At one point, he looked up. He made eye contact in the rearview mirror, where an almost identical copy of his father stared back. With two fingers, he unconsciously stroked his cheek, feeling the warmth of his skin mingle with the ghostly touch of his dad's hand, leaving a stain of dust.
Before he could brush it off, he saw how scared his eyes looked, haunted by an emptiness he'd grown sick of. It was nothing like the things he'd seen on his classmates' faces after graduating, some of them before leaving town. Those things that looked like passion and dreams and even hope.
Jungkook didn't know what the hell he wanted to do with his life. But skipping college and getting away from his house were his only goals at the moment. Things he wanted to do to solve his inner conflicts, so deep he couldn't see himself still harboring for another day. So yeah, fuck it. No big deal. It was just time for a change, to make his own decisions. Because while the uncertainty of his future was scary, the fear of spending it in the same place was bigger.
Upstairs, his father's parental instincts seemed to have kicked in as loud footsteps echoed all the way to the baby's room—Yongsun's old room.
Shaken out of his frozen state, Jungkook traced the sound with his eyes. A moment later, the front door of the house opened and closed with a thunk, followed by his dad's girlfriend's voice. Jungkook heard her taking the stairs as a sudden confidence seized him.
Relieved to find the quivering of his fingers gone, he tried to start the car again, not letting any other doubt take space inside his mind this time. But the engine didn't feel like working. He turned the key two more times, almost punching it, because why the hell now, until a loud roar came from the hood and the entire structure shuddered.
A sob of relief left him. Within seconds, he was out of the garage.
The dark blue from the sky and the orange from the lampposts lining the street quickly melt thanks to the raindrops that fell on the windshield, blurring Jungkook's vision.
He groaned. This was the last thing he needed. After struggling to make the wiper work, Jungkook resigned himself to moving the car based on the memory of how the alley that led to the main street looked like.
He knew it was dangerous, plainly dangerous. Just like all those nights sharing rides with wasted strangers after parties that seemed to never end. When he didn't care about what the word consequences carried. But the thought of being free now stretched his lungs wide, filling them with the last summer air and that old-car smell as his body ached for success. He needed it, this one damn thing.
Pushing the gas pedal downward, Jungkook made the car speed up. It was just for a second, but he got so lost in that thick amount of time, in the hollow yet exciting feeling of having this much control over something, that he almost missed the unforeseen familiar sight of his neighbor passing in front of the car.
Without hesitation, Jungkook slammed on the brakes. A shiver of cool air ran up his spine, punching the air from his lungs. He cursed out loud, fingers clinging to the steering wheel, every muscle in his body locked and tense.
He didn't know it right away, but that moment would be stuck in his brain for many years to come. One that would sometimes appear when getting inside taxis on random rainy nights; when teaching his future children how to drive; when selling his car and putting his ninety-year-old body to bed while remembering his youth as part of an ordinary and unattractive life. Because everything changed after that moment when Jungkook almost ran over someone. And not just anyone, but Taehyung.
Another curse slipped out of Jungkook's mouth when Taehyung dropped his hands on the hood with a bang.
The water distorted his image, along with the sound that came out of his lips. Jungkook didn't get what Taehyung said, but watched him walk around the vehicle, open the passenger door, and get in before the sudden September rain could soak anything else. The icy wind from outside raised goosebumps over Jungkook's skin in the span of a breath as he heard him speak, loud and clear.
"I asked you where you're going." Taehyung looked at Jungkook with expectant eyes and a hand over the glove compartment, probably leaving a wet print.
Fright and frustration were drenching Taehyung's face, and his clothes were untidy, like he was in a hurry too. A baseball cap kept most of his hair dry, while a backpack hung from his right shoulder and a violin case was almost falling from his lap.
They were so close. The proximity didn't seem to bother Taehyung, though, as his eyes searched for something on Jungkook's face. A get the hell out of my car kind of look. Maybe being pushed aside. Or a green light, like the ones Jungkook met many Friday nights on empty streets, rushed to spend his weekends covered with sheets that didn't belong to him.
Silence stretched between them, exposing Jungkook's confusion. He couldn't give form to any thought taking space in his brain, lost in the way Taehyung was staring at him. Until a familiar voice rang from outside, almost inaudible through the noise of the raindrops bumping against the worn-out paint of the car, yet close enough to be noticed.
When Jungkook turned his head to the side to see who it was, Taehyung touched his hand placed on the gear stick, getting his attention back. He tried to express the rush in his words by begging, "Please drive."
Taehyung's fingers were cool against Jungkook's skin, but all Jungkook could feel was heat. Which didn't even make sense—though everything that Jungkook felt about Taehyung stopped making sense a long time ago.
Without pulling away, Jungkook looked at where their hands were touching; chipped green polish adorned Taehyung's nails, part of long fingers that curled into a fist as he withdrew his hand. Jungkook couldn't even mourn the loss before his brain got back to the urgency and panic welling up inside him. But before he could start the car again and drive off, knuckles tapped his window three times.
Three knocks. Just to see Taehyung opening his room window after Jungkook would climb the old metal boxes his father kept outside their neighbors' side of the house, reaching the bedroom without a scratch, staying the night and waking up the next morning to Ms. Kim's freshly made namul.
"Jungkook," she said under her umbrella after Jungkook rolled down the glass, a curious tone in her voice she couldn't hide. She seemed perplexed to see Jungkook sharing oxygen with her son.
After years of watching them grow apart, Ms. Kim still greeted Jungkook with the same kindness as usual whenever she ran into him. Jungkook didn't mind, but preferred to escape from any type of communication and questions he didn't know the answers to. It was easier that way.
"How have you been?" she asked.
"Mom." Taehyung bent forward so that his mother could see him better.
"Tae—"
"We're in a hurry," he said, as Ms. Kim's voice died in the rain. "We have to go to the party I told you about, at Seojoon hyung's house. I'll be staying there for a few days, just as we talked." Jungkook looked at Taehyung in complete puzzlement. "Right?" Taehyung asked, trying to hide his violin case near his feet and showing a pleading look that was disturbingly familiar.
Playing along used to be their thing whenever they had each other's back. But that ended, and it was not part of Jungkook's plans for tonight. He wanted to leave after taking his father's car without permission, knowing that the old man could walk out of the house at any moment, screaming—
A faint glimmer of embarrassment spread through Jungkook's body up to his face, making his cheeks burn after realizing that his father was nowhere to be seen. He was still inside the house, holding his new life in his arms, not even caring about his previous one leaving.
"Yes." Jungkook held his gaze on Taehyung a little longer before turning to the open window where fast-falling raindrops were getting inside the car. "We're a little late," he said, with the most awkward smile appearing on his face. He brushed it off quickly, hating being too self-conscious. Taehyung had always been the better one at lying, anyway.
Ms. Kim's features turned soft and exhausted. She was a tiny woman and older than most parents in Jungkook's class. She was looking older against the car, her short hair with gray strands matching her gray uniform with the supermarket logo of the store she still worked at. Jungkook felt her hand stroking his shoulder before she whispered to Taehyung, "All right. Take care. Call me when you get there," and slipped away from the vehicle.
Jungkook rolled up his window and sighed, rubbing his temple with his left hand to calm the dull pounding in his brain. When he turned his gaze to the right, he watched Taehyung sink into the seat, eyes caught on the street ahead, frowning.
"Don't ask," he said.
"Wasn't going to," Jungkook lied, because he was dying to know what the hell just happened.
Driving again, his eyes slid to the rear-view mirror, looking at how Taehyung's mom grew smaller in the distance. Jungkook's stomach squeezed.
He thought about how he helped Taehyung like old times, yet knowing they would part ways, no actual hangout waiting for them. So why did he do it?
"You ran me over." Taehyung spat the words, the air inside the car changing somehow. It was a cold statement, one that seemed to hold more meaning than what Jungkook could tell.
"Almost. You came out of nowhere."
Scrubbing his lower lip, Taehyung sniffed. He clenched his jaw and played with the door handle on his right. Jungkook followed the movement before studying the clear line of Taehyung's profile with a brief sideways glance, and then looking at the street in front of him.
He thought about how much Taehyung's expressions had changed. How the annoyance now made his cheeks twitch, no playful smile peeking through. It seemed to be the way Taehyung wanted to behave around him. Hell, he didn't even know how to behave in front of Taehyung after all these years. They only shared a couple of hushed words in loud classrooms after getting stuck together in a project by a teacher who didn't know what happened between them at most.
The growing emotional distance mixed with one-sided mistakes changed their whole dynamic after what happened. After Jungkook forced himself to learn how to live without his best friend.
"Well, no party for us tonight." Taehyung shifted in his spot while headlights of passing cars illuminated his humorless grin. Those that were too practiced and lacked any deep meaning.
Jungkook snorted. "I got excited there for a second."
Turning his head to the window, he mentally cursed at himself. He really hated tension, but he wished he could at least handle it.
"I need a favor," Taehyung said, fixing his cap. Jungkook didn't look at him, didn't even blink. "I have to get to the bus station before the last bus leaves in fifteen minutes."
Jungkook weighed his words this time. "I don't think I can get there in fifteen."
"It's just ten minutes by car from here at this hour. There are barely any cars out here."
Jungkook drove silently until the vehicle in front of them stopped at a traffic sign, its red taillights on. He watched Taehyung's skin turn cherry red while the small earring on his left ear shone blood. Strands of his light, wine-colored hair under the cap barely touched his eyes, which moved all the way towards Jungkook's cheek for a brief second.
It was not Jungkook's place to ask why Taehyung needed to take a bus and where to, exactly, but his curiosity was strong enough to make him open his mouth to speak.
But before he could verbalize anything, Taehyung's hand midair interrupted him.
Anticipation simmered with a thrill through Jungkook while he looked at Taehyung's fingers almost touching him. They were close enough for Jungkook to catch a whiff of Taehyung's scent; citrus mixed with something sweet.
Swallowing nothing, Jungkook saw Taehyung's wary eyes, like asking for permission. They slowly landed on his cheek again before a cold thumb brushed the skin a few times. It was that easy for Jungkook to replace the image of his father with Taehyung's, his long fingers on him instead.
"You had dust on your cheek."
It took great effort on Jungkook's part not to touch the place where Taehyung's fingertips had been. He cleared his throat just to do something; the loud sound breaking the stillness that surrounded them.
"So." Taehyung rubbed his hands over his pants, moving his legs closer to the door. His eyes settled on Jungkook when he asked, voice calmer than before, "Can you try? Please?"
A simple question, more like a request which Jungkook already knew the answer to.
"Okay," he said, nodding and turning his face to the street to avoid seeing the fluor green at the switch of the light blending in Taehyung's gaze.
The bus station being on his way didn't help Jungkook at all to disappear with no interaction. But apparently Taehyung still had that power over him, an effect he didn't want to dive back into. He just grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and followed the car in front of them through the streets of Gwangju, shying away from any fucked up feelings before he could regret it.
Taehyung, a "talk first, think later" kind of guy that was known for initiating conversations with no issues, was now dead silent.
Jungkook caught him looking up at the sky, chin on his palm and eyes half-opened, focused on the moon that followed them around, more interesting than his former childhood best friend, the one who used to follow him everywhere instead.
Jungkook wanted to talk, just for the sake of talking. But he had nothing. The minutes that took them to get to the bus station were not enough to understand Jungkook's thoughts knotted like a ball of yarn in his head.
After so much time, the dry silence was more tempting than a few empty words. So Jungkook just bit the inside of his cheek and let the longing die at the back of his throat as he pulled by the curb.
"Thanks," Taehyung said in a whisper.
He opened the door and looked at Jungkook from the corner of his eye, slithering out of the vehicle like wanting to buy some time. Jungkook used the extra seconds to check him out. The big beige sweater that Taehyung's grandmother had knitted for him two sizes bigger when he was thirteen, maybe fourteen, seemed to hug him too tightly now, while the pants around his long legs were loose. He was still using his characteristic black pin with the words rock n roll on it, attached to the breast pocket of an overused denim jacket.
It was definitely not a rock star look, and Jungkook wondered what happened to that Taehyung who used to say he would dress as one someday.
A couple of honking cars piled up behind them, making Taehyung flinch with a hand still on the door.
Jungkook knew he had to move. The street was too narrow, and the timing was not on his side right now. Still, he waited. He wanted to stay and listen to anything Taehyung had to say. But to Jungkook's disappointment, there was no speech ready. It was only his imagination; the yearning being too loud, because nothing came out of Taehyung's mouth. Instead, it looked as if they were going to end their tongue-tied years with a silent goodbye.
Perhaps it was bound to happen.
More horns shouted at them. Taehyung's hand hesitated at the door, eyes roaming Jungkook. He smiled just for a beat. And with a slow movement, the door closed.
Jungkook breathed in. The citrus smell mixed with rain filled his lungs.
He pulled the car back into gear, someone behind him flashing his lights in annoyance. Jungkook wanted to flip them off, channel his irritation somehow for fucking up a moment he would never have again. But he just drove, unbothered, until a red sign forced him to stop.
The rain had slowed down, reduced to a faint pattern on the car roof. Lazy raindrops were dancing on the windshield and keeping Jungkook from spacing out, reflecting the colors of the road and transforming the glass into a blurred canvas.
It would be great if his sister was there to see it, Jungkook thought. Number one enthusiast of enjoying things like this; of stopping in the middle of the road to take a picture of the landscape's colors blending with the sky, to later print it and hang it on her bedroom wall. A huge fan of anything that had to do with art and nature, and an advocate of the idea that they were just two different words to describe the same thing.
Those road trips were the best. All of them spent together with their parents in this same car, memories that always put a smile on Jungkook's face. The drive to the beach was his favorite one, maybe because Taehyung had been there too.
Cursing under his breath, Jungkook shook his head. He reminded himself that it was all his fault. Taehyung did nothing, while Jungkook did everything wrong in their now dead friendship. Choosing the silent treatment had been the best option his immature self had come up with, after all the chaos inside his head. Sadly, it cost him his best friend and all his favorite things that he never got to experience again.
It was too late to make amends now, Jungkook was sure. Too damn late. He was leaving forever. He knew this was the only way to move forward, even if he was dreaming of closure.
The rain had stopped completely when Jungkook stopped by his favorite store to get some snacks for the road. It was already late, and he had skipped dinner. Relying on his empty stomach for the entire trip was not an option.
As he headed for the door, Jungkook's pocket buzzed. He pulled out his phone and saw his father's name pop up on the mildly cracked screen he still needed to fix.
Jungkook cursed, the bell above the open door dancing as he let the call go straight to voicemail.
A red beanie rose from behind the counter, attached to a dark-eyed, tattooed man who greeted Jungkook with a broad grin. Those that grocery store employees rarely showed, especially this late at night.
The place wasn't too big, and Jungkook knew people his age frequently visited it. So it was no surprise to see Seojoon and Wooshik, Taehyung's best friends there. It looked like the party he mentioned was indeed happening, after all.
With no greetings, Jungkook walked through the small corridors, feeling the boys watching him while lowering their voices. Could it be possible that Taehyung already texted them about giving him a ride? Could they be talking about it?
Jungkook immediately regretted having chosen this place and hoped for the least of interactions, if possible. Except he was never that optimistic, always circling on the edge of wishful thinking. Because he knew positivity never worked for him, not the way he wanted it to. And the universe was keeping an eye on him right now, because the last flicker of hope vanished with another ring of the doorbell, after seeing his so-called best friend strut in.
Jaebeom didn't seem to look for Jungkook, but when his eyes traced the store and found him, indignation morphed his features; ugly wrinkles claiming a spot and staying forever.
Jungkook scrunched his nose. Coming here was definitely a poor decision.
"JK," Jaebeom said through pursed lips, using an unexcited voice clearly on purpose to show how happy he was for running into him. "Where the hell have you been?"
He outstretched his arms like demanding an explanation. His mid-long hair was pulled back in a bun, some loose hairs falling on his face, still wet thanks to the rain. Jungkook noticed a red scar covering his right temple that wasn't there the last time they met weeks ago. All the other scars and birthmarks Jungkook knew damn well were hiding under his dark clothes, the same ones Jaebeom wore when he was up to no good.
"Hyung, I—" Jungkook scooped his fingers through his hair, upset by how things were turning out. He thought he could shun people out and leave without a word. But of course, his friend had found him. He always did. "My dad needed me. The baby's been loud lately."
It was a pathetic excuse, a big fat lie that Jungkook voiced out just to get his friend off his back. But the reaction he got differed completely from the one Jungkook was expecting.
A smirk twisted Jaebeom's mouth now, eyes shining with a glimpse of interest. Shit. Jungkook had forgotten he hadn't told his friend about the birth of his father's new son yet.
"So, JK has a little brother now," Jaebeom said, almost comically. As if he didn't have a fucked up family waiting for him at home, too. Or maybe that was the reason for the mockery—he knew damn well how Hell looked like. "Another J, isn't it?"
The fact that he knew such a thing when Jungkook had never mentioned it before made Jungkook's blood boil. Jaebeom was too good at sticking his nose into other people's boring lives. And it was a boring fact that Jungkook now shared the same initial letter with his half-brother, Jeongwoo. Still, it annoyed him. Even more so now that Jaebeom was using it against him. Maybe it was the other things Jungkook had to share with the baby that made him act this way. Sibling things, he guessed. Things he refused to get used to.
A phone rang behind them, loud enough to snatch their attention. Seojoon was speaking to someone, and Jungkook could feel him staring.
The sudden urge to punch something distracted Jungkook. It was a few seconds later when he realized how Jaebeom had gotten closer, putting an arm around his shoulders, voice slow and deep, giving him what sounded like an ultimatum.
"I need you to go to these things, okay? I was getting impatient until Yugyeom showed up. That guy from Gurye, Chanyeol, was there. You remember him." Yes, Jungkook did. He hated the fact he could never forget. But he would not waste time telling that detail to his friend, whose voice sounded more aggravated than usual. "We had to back out at the last minute. But the guy will keep giving us trouble, and you know I can't handle it alone. So get your shit together."
Jungkook knew what he was referring to; their last conversation. It was about one of those shady jobs that Jaebeom was always trying to drag Jungkook into. A job that would get them lots of money, just not enough to mask the trouble of meeting people like Gurye guy almost every night.
The thing with Chanyeol had been the final straw for Jungkook. He got tired, too tired of the risks and the colored-paper dependency, and how he had to turn into someone else every time he was with his friend.
Yet, Jungkook still cared for him.
He came into Jungkook's life when Jungkook was at his worst, showing him that messed up people could work well together. That Jungkook could own anything he wanted if he was up for it, no matter the outcome. With too many bombs in his hands and not enough warning signs on his eyes, Jaebeom was always ready to blow things up. Someone Jungkook should have avoided since the start, when thirteen-year-old Jaebeom offered him his first cig after school.
And he would have if his mother hadn't left with all the advice she never got to share. Because Jungkook didn't know shit. It had been the beginning of his downfall when he wandered outside of his circle of trust to find that longed-for reassurance that wanting friends of his own was not a bad thing. Far away from familiar things and familiar people, like Taehyung.
Jungkook's eyes widened, thinking he'd said Taehyung's name out loud. But it was Seojoon who was talking to him on the phone.
With his eyes back to Jaebeom, Jungkook spoke steadily through his teeth, ready to put an end to this. Even if he was leaving, he needed to make it stop.
"What if I don't want to get my shit together?"
"You do." Triumph dripped from Jaebeom's voice and all his edges, as if he had won something. He didn't even attempt to hide the sneer in his voice. Jungkook could see he wasn't done, that he would not be satisfied that easily. Not until Jungkook could swallow his shitty concern and agree with him. So Jaebeom continued, grabbing Jungkook's jaw with a firm grip and lowering his voice before exhaling a deep "Listen."
Jungkook's cheek wasn't hurting anymore, but his pride was. He was more than fed up, feeling a constant underlying anger growing more and more with each shared word. And even though Jungkook hated fighting with Jaebeom, he didn't care anymore. This was it.
He batted Jaebeom's hand away and grabbed his wrist while bending his arm, turning it to the side and making him gasp for air.
"What the fuck." Jaebeom let out a growl. Everyone's focus was on them now.
Jungkook felt his skin tightening, the hairs on his arms rising. He could see confusion in Jaebeom's dark eyes morphed with shock. Jungkook knew right there he was going to regret this.
Out of nowhere, as if he had walked silently through the hall, Wooshik approached them. "Everything okay here?"
Taehyung's extremely nice friends were going to bring out the worst in Jungkook one day. Luckily, he was leaving before that could happen.
Turning his face to the right to get a better look at Wooshik and tell him to fuck off gently, Jungkook felt Jaebeom's sleeve loosen between his hands.
"Do not fucking touch me again." Jaebeom pushed Jungkook away, fire burning in his eyes along with all the years and memories of them being best friends.
Unable to conceal his surprise, Jungkook wished he wasn't too relieved at how easy it had been for Jaebeom to come off like that, to hate him that quickly. But Jungkook couldn't savor it. He had to focus on a fist flying in front of his eyes before it could reach his face. The memory of his first fight played in his head like an action movie, reminding him of how the adrenaline rush felt and how much he'd loved it.
Jaebeom had been there that time, right by his side. Now he was the one willing to hurt him.
Jungkook was faster and dodged the blow that landed on Wooshik instead. Wooshik's head moved back and forth after the impact, groaning in pain. Not a moment later, a pair of hands got in Jungkook's way as Seojoon tried to get to his friend, passing by an angry and ready-to-fight Jaebeom, who was already aiming for a second punch.
Just like that, a simple decision turned everything into a mess.
The other people in the store somehow disappeared. It was only them, acting like fighting was the answer to everything. Jungkook could only see Jaebeom as he heard their shoes loudly scratching the floor, the brush of their clothes against each other.
Jungkook got two punches in the ribs and one on his lips before the red beanie guy started yelling at them to cut it out. Jungkook's brain was begging him to stop, because this was unnecessary, so fucking unnecessary. He was trying to get away from this shit, yet here he was, enjoying it.
From Jaebeom's expression, he was enjoying it, too. Until the bell above the door rang again, and Taehyung emerged from the dark with his bags in his hands, his chest going up and down, up and down. As if he had been running. Jungkook's eyes followed the movement, causing him to lose sight of reality. In those tiny seconds, a fist reached his left eye.
"What the hell, hyung?" Taehyung rushed to meet his friends, both too deep into the fight to look at him.
Jungkook got dizzy. His body stumbled when he tried to take some distance, his ribs hurting. Something inside him also bothered him; an emotion he couldn't make sense of. The thought of Taehyung's concerned face being the reason behind it unsettled him.
It was definitely a weird night. Jungkook's long-buried emotions were bursting without consent, and Taehyung's presence was not helping. Yet, Jungkook could swear he'd seen it. The same look he always got while sharing his worries with Taehyung. Now it wasn't for him, and he immediately felt bad for wishing it was.
A loud voice came from behind. The guy in the red beanie approached them, interrupting the argument and threatening to call the cops.
The word felt like the gunshot Jungkook could still hear from that night at Chanyeol's, his lungs contracting like he was still there in that cold basement, guys rushing to the exit with the money gambled on their pockets. Jungkook had never experienced that type of fear before, and he didn't want to face it again.
As if an invisible string pulled at him, Jungkook was the first one to stop, tired. Jaebeom walked away a second later, looking at Jungkook while small breaths left his mouth.
Grabbing Wooshik by the arm, Seojoon walked over to the small restroom at the end of the hall, telling Taehyung to wait for them. Taehyung ruffled his hair, avoiding looking at Jungkook. A few feet away, Jaebeom began cleaning his blood-running nose with the back of his hand, smirking like a creep after seeing it—red and shiny.
"Our first fight," he said with a rough voice and a grin that stretched his mouth completely. Jungkook stepped back when he saw him getting closer, his expression faltering, replaced with something much colder.
Taehyung moved towards them, probably knowing that nothing good could come out of them being so close again. Jungkook watched him take a handkerchief from his pocket and offer it to Jaebeom.
"Here."
Sniffing, Jaebeom looked at Taehyung's hand, then glared at Jungkook. "You're shitting me, right?"
Expectation held Jungkook's tongue against the roof of his mouth. He stared at Jaebeom with pain in his left eye and one hand on his ribs, all corners of his body defeated. He wasn't ready for what was coming next, but a sense of relief kept him calm.
When Jaebeom smiled again, showing no teeth, it felt different. It felt like it was the end.
Offering his handkerchief one more time, Taehyung leaned on Jaebeom's space, barely brushing his chest. Jaebeom groaned, pushing him away and giving him a look.
Jungkook knew that they both never got along. The only moment they shared once when they were all younger had been enough for Taehyung to not want to see Jaebeom ever again. Jungkook didn't even try to mix both friendships a second time, but he still felt he had to choose one. He wished he had chosen Taehyung's, but first-time parties and booze had seemed much cooler than watching his neighbor playing the violin to his grandmother or spending his precious time with girls.
Snorting, Jaebeom faced Jungkook with a hand in the air. "What's next? Turning your back on Yugyeom, too? I thought we were friends."
Jungkook felt his jaw clenched involuntarily, eyes stuck on the floor. "I can't give you what you want." He could feel Jaebeom's eyes boring into him, imagining the stiff lines decorating his forehead right now. "I'm done."
"Fuck you, then," Jaebeom said. Jungkook looked up, watched Jaebeom staring back at him with his arms falling to the sides before getting out of the store without another word.
Taehyung turned around and gave the tissue to Jungkook, who was already looking at him. After their eyes met, Jungkook glanced at his hand and took the handkerchief with a small "Thanks" before cleaning his lips.
"You seem like you need some fresh air." Taehyung gave Jungkook a weird look, one Jungkook had never seen before. It was neither of surprise nor disappointment, but it made Jungkook lower his head anyway as he tried to walk.
He trudged between exhales, reaching the front door. The guy wearing the red beanie was now kneeling on the floor, sending a scornful look his way, cleaning up the mess Jungkook didn't even notice they made. Jungkook wanted to apologize, but the words could not get past the lump in his throat.
A moment later, Taehyung followed him outside, leaning his body against the wall. A cold post-rain breeze made him fold his arms in front of his chest as it intensified the smell of wet asphalt everywhere.
"I have to be honest." Taehyung's eyes swept over Jungkook. He put his cap backwards, exposing his forehead. "It was nothing new seeing you in a fight, especially with JB there. But Wooshik and Seojoon?" He let out a sharp breath as he half-smiled. Jungkook froze, preventing the tissue in his hand from reaching his lips. "I wasn't expecting that."
Dry sweat covered Jungkook's back while cool air prickled at his nape. Something inside him always twisted at the idea of Taehyung seeing him only as a troublemaker. Which was only half the truth. Jaebeom was the one starting shit every time, looking for trouble. It was not Jungkook's fault that social pressure had been stronger than the weight of his own values. Still, disappointment filled his lungs as he thought about how he wanted people to know differently.
"And I understand you like to fight, but dude—" Taehyung adjusted his backpack and violin case on his shoulders, standing straight. Under the neon lights coming from the store's front wall, parts of Taehyung's almost dry, blond hair sparkled in a purple hue. Shadows cut his jaw as Jungkook watched in silence, with his body resting on a randomly parked car. He pressed his lips tightly together to keep the frustration inside. "You don't have to, y'know?"
The unwelcome lecture made Jungkook's muscles stiffen. Taehyung's voice was not exactly rude, but something aloof enhanced it. His ease of talking to others had long since disappeared. Maybe Jungkook was the one who no longer deserved it.
"I never liked it, dude." Jungkook internally cringed at his defensiveness, mostly at using that word on Taehyung. Perhaps because he was lying again, and he knew Taehyung could see through him. "But Jaebeom hyung has been a pain in the ass lately."
Taehyung shifted his legs and spread them apart to keep his balance while his brows dipped into a crease. "That's nothing new," he said, stretching his neck from side to side, a cracking sound coming from it. "You two have always been into dangerous shit."
Jungkook winced, feeling upset now.
"Thanks for the interest in my life and friends." A bitter taste in his mouth mixed with the blood coming out from his slightly broken lip. He reused the tissue and encountered Taehyung's gaze again. "I stopped hanging out with those guys, anyway. But hey, you should focus on your friends instead. Wooshik was the one who started it this time."
Shame curled deep in his stomach because he knew it was not true. Wooshik was the most unproblematic person he'd ever met. Jungkook only wished his mouth could stop saying things he didn't mean to, but the word vomit was a big part of him. It was hard to let go, especially with his brain malfunctioning in front of Taehyung.
"Yeah." Taehyung's lips twitched up as he lifted his chin. "Not even you believe the things you say."
Jungkook stood immediately, facing Taehyung as he aligned their bodies, heads only a few inches apart. Jungkook's arms and legs were solid as a rock, a tightness behind his forehead and pain in his ribs he suddenly could bear.
Taehyung seemed to notice the abrupt change because he quickly flinched, putting a hand on Jungkook's chest as if to stop him from doing something he'd regret. Something Jungkook didn't even want to find out. It was there in Taehyung's eyes, clear as the glass in Jungkook's window through which he watched Taehyung's room from afar almost every fucking night; Taehyung was scared. He looked at Jungkook like Jungkook was the bad guy, someone who could hurt others easily. Because he hurt Taehyung once, when he became a stranger who swallowed the nice Jungkook and never gave him back. As if this version of him was Jungkook's authentic form.
Bullshit.
The fear in Taehyung's face vanished as he closed his eyes, put his lips in a narrow line, and waited. He was actually waiting for it.
Understanding came as a sharp stab, and Jungkook found himself staring at Taehyung while the lines on his face softened. Yeah, Jungkook was feeling restless, lost, and out-of-place, but he could never hit Taehyung. That wasn't him or who he wished to be. He wanted to leave that facade behind and prove he was still himself, hoping Taehyung could see it. The real him.
But Taehyung opened his eyes and the only thing Jungkook saw in them was a darkness that made him realize that leaving was indeed the right decision.
"Why do you even care?" Jungkook asked, words coming out as a snarl before he could avoid it. Partly because he was tired, his shoulders feeling heavier as he sat back on the hood of the car, looking at his black boots touching a puddle of water. Partly because he was curious why Taehyung was still wasting breath with him.
Taehyung stayed silent for a moment. When Jungkook tilted his head up, he found Taehyung staring back at him with something that came closer to the look Taehyung always gave him when he didn't know what Jungkook was thinking, but how he wanted to.
Looking at the black vast sky, Taehyung sighed. Jungkook imagined the darkness swallowing him entirely. Maybe the two of them. The store and the cars parked outside, and the entire world, right now. It sounded like a nice way to end things.
After a brief gap of silence, Taehyung rubbed a hand on his forehead and said, "I don't."
Well, Jungkook expected that.
"What happened back there?" Taehyung asked a few seconds later, moving his neck from side to side. No sound coming out of it this time. It was that easy for him to forget the awkwardness and relax.
Jungkook shook his head, feeling pressure on his left eye. "Nothing worth talking about." Because he surely wasn't getting into how his anger started. How Jaebeom helped with making it worse.
"I've never seen you two fight before. That wasn't nothing." Taehyung looked back at the store, some lights blinking inside. He turned to Jungkook again with a frown on his face and a question forming in his eyes that Jungkook couldn't read. "You were so close…"
Jungkook avoided eye contact. "Friendships don't last."
Maybe Taehyung agreed with him, because he stayed quiet for a moment before speaking again. "Next time you'll see him will be awkward as hell, though."
"I'm not seeing him again. Ever," Jungkook said, caressing his right palm, making circles on his skin. He noticed Taehyung watching the movement and slowly dragging his eyes to him. Jungkook stopped breathing for a few seconds before changing the subject. "What are you doing here?"
"I lost my bus." Taehyung's statement sounded weightless, like it was nothing; not an ounce of worry in his voice.
It was so cruel, this talent Taehyung had of roaming through life with an unapologetic mindset, making it all seem so effortless. Jungkook had always been envious of it.
"You never answered my question." Taehyung cracked his knuckles, the sound of little bubbles bursting filling the air.
"Don't do that." Jungkook groaned. He could sense a small lurking tension somewhere, and he probably was making it worse. "I don't remember you asking me anything."
Waving his hands, Taehyung said, "I asked you in your car where you were going."
Jungkook fiddled with the tissue while looking at Taehyung, whose eyes were now shining as bright as the neon lights behind him.
Jungkook spoke after delaying his answer, like wanting to keep it a secret. Mostly to himself and his fucked up brain for thinking the idea was worth trying.
"Busan."
Taehyung nodded slowly.
"To see Yongsun?" he asked, careful about not crossing the line between them. It wasn't a thick one, or clear enough, but it was real and it was there. Jungkook could feel it. And Taehyung seemed, for the first time that night, scared to mess it up.
"Yeah, Yongsun."
It was still strange that Taehyung knew about Jungkook's sister and their story with all its layers. A sense of bareness created by emotional intimacies they once shared. Too many moments they experienced together during their brief lives—lives that were no longer tied but aware of each other—that Jungkook was not surprised at this point.
Taehyung's presence during the difficult periods of Jungkook's childhood had been firm enough to reach his deepest hidden places. Jungkook's head still reacted to the morning his mother left him. It was funny that meeting with his neighbor the night before was what he remembered the most.
"How is she?" Taehyung asked, pulling Jungkook out of his head. He thought for a brief second that Taehyung was asking about his mom.
"Yongsun's okay."
"Does she still have that pink unicorn I gave her?"
With a hint of a smile, Taehyung ruffled his purplish-blond hair under his cap. Jungkook felt odd while looking at him, after hearing him ask that. Yongsun always hated the color pink, and Taehyung many times teased her about it. He once won a unicorn at a school fair and chose the pink one just to give it to her and see her reaction. She got mad, but she ended up loving the color after a few years, getting a pink guitar with pink glitter, almost like a public statement.
"We don't talk much," was all Jungkook had to say, though before Taehyung's smile could disappear, he added, "She took it with her when she left, so she probably does."
Taehyung scrunched his nose, lips curling all the way up. "You're going back to your roots, then."
"Yeah, after eleven years," Jungkook muttered with an almost half-grin. He caressed his right palm again as he thought about it.
"Me too."
Jungkook looked at Taehyung confused, catching his eyes on his hands again, making his fingers stop.
Taehyung hurried to elaborate. "I meant my hometown. Daegu."
"What are you gonna do there?"
Taehyung smiled, but for a brief second it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm going to Yoongi hyung's house."
"How is he?"
"He hasn't changed much. Maybe his clothes have."
The image of Yoongi arriving in the neighborhood years ago on a hot summer day flashed through Jungkook's mind. A self-proclaimed big boy with his baggy pants and a black bucket hat, keeping his long hair in place. A gold chain around his neck completed the threatening look he wanted to achieve, talking about that Daegu life and all those interesting things big teens loved.
He seemed to know what he was doing.
It didn't take long for him to date Jungkook's sister, both being around the same age. Both being part of the grown-ups club that Jungkook and Taehyung loathed.
Jungkook could still taste the warm air during those days, the couple sitting on the backyard's pavement floor near the metal boxes while sharing a Coke, holding hands. He would look at them through Taehyung's window, thinking about how dating someone seemed to be a ritual of passing of some sorts. So many boys and girls wanted to do it, willing to spend their time kissing someone instead of discovering new things beyond what school was already showing them.
At fourteen, Jungkook got curious too. He understood the feeling. That big thing attached to being an adult, people that Jungkook dreaded to be one day. The same group of people he was part of right now. The big boys.
Taehyung cracked his knuckles again, the sound bringing Jungkook back to the present, pushing that bittersweet feeling aside.
"Stop. You know I hate that." Jungkook's body went stiff as soon as he noticed what he'd said. The way he'd said it.
With amusement in his eyes, Taehyung stared at him. Jungkook was certain that Taehyung could see how weird he was acting, how he couldn't even mask the utter mess he was tonight.
Taehyung didn't keep his gaze for too long on Jungkook. He soon looked back into the store as he stayed quiet, biting his green nail polish as if he was avoiding speaking.
With furrowed brows, Jungkook paused. He knew Taehyung was mapping out something inside his head, and his stomach turned warm at being able to see it forming.
"Look—" Taehyung's arms dropped to his sides. "I need to get to Daegu somehow, but I can't go back to my house and wait for the morning bus. I was thinking we could share the ride. Split the expenses?" Jungkook looked at him, disappointed at knowing the real reason Taehyung was talking to him this late at night. "We could reach Goryeong and you could drop me there. I won't say a thing. I'll be silent the whole ride, as if I'm not even there."
A sharp snort came out of Jungkook's throat as he looked down, focusing on Taehyung's shoes that shifted over the pavement, restless. He'd surely thought about everything.
"And honestly," Taehyung said, "you look like shit. I know your hand is hurting and your eye is swelling up." Jungkook frowned, feeling the pain just by hearing him say that. Taehyung quickly cleared his throat. "I can drive for you while you rest."
Jungkook locked eyes with him, knowing he was right. This night was winning the award as the worst night ever, and he really needed to regain his fucking chill. A quick nap seemed very appealing right now, and Taehyung looked awake enough to last for a few hours.
"No talking?" Jungkook licked his lower lip, traces of blood still there. Taehyung averted his eyes while nodding.
"No need to. You won't have to deal with the unnecessary things I say." Taehyung raised his palms to the sky, looking like he was suppressing a smile, yet failing.
Jungkook was purely joking, but he was also frustrated, wishing their previous conversation—and a lot more before that—could be erased from history. From their list of shared moments after everything changed. After the end of their friendship. It was a small list, shorter than the piece of paper Jungkook's mother left, telling everyone she loved them. Maybe Jungkook could add a thing or two to it, like that closure tugging at him, whispering that things could be different.
Perhaps Taehyung was here to help him with that, because it sure didn't feel like a coincidence running into him twice on the same night. He was standing in front of Jungkook with a possibility growing between them. A new opportunity after that failed goodbye scene at the bus stop. A short, end-of-summer road trip with extra time to gather their thoughts, clear up all their previous misunderstandings, and finish whatever they had on good terms.
Yeah, it could work.
"Excuse me." A lady appeared from Taehyung's side and turned on the lights of the car Jungkook was sitting on.
Standing in a rush, Jungkook groaned.
"See? You can't drive like this," Taehyung said over the sound of the car leaving.
Jungkook covered his ribs with one hand and gripped the car keys in his pocket with the other, the metal digging into his palm. He was going to do this. No turning back.
He nodded once, twice. Jungkook might have nodded five times until Taehyung's proximity sent a full-body shock through him. He got the key chain out before Taehyung could get closer, and flashed it in front of him, bringing him to a halt.
He threw Taehyung the keys and began walking to the vehicle in utter silence. The idea of another person driving his dad's Hyundai irked him, but he buried the feeling just as he buried his body in the seat a moment later, thinking that resting was obviously more important.
The bell above the door sang again before Seojoon walked out with a bruised Wooshik and a bag of things they must have bought inside. Both spotted Taehyung getting in Jungkook's car like it was nothing.
"Tae, what exactly are you doing?" Seojoon asked in disbelief. He walked behind the car while Taehyung rolled down the window and took his head and shoulders out. He was already driving through the parking lot, not slow enough for his friend to get him.
"I'm going to Daegu!" he shouted, lifting an arm in the air. "I'll call you guys when I get there!"
Jungkook saw Seojoon stopping and raising his hands in frustration, showing a baffled face.
"But you don't even have a driver's license!"
On the verge of passing out, Jungkook turned his head in Taehyung's direction, surprised by Seojoon's words. Wooshik had joined his friend in the middle of the parking lot, rubbing a hand on his head and smiling like this whole thing wasn't new to him.
Jungkook choked with air. "What the—"
But Taehyung's broad, carefree smile brightened his face while a light breeze tangled his hair. His eyes were reduced to small, almost happy slits as he brought his upper body back in the car, letting out a gentle laugh; a very charming and satisfying sound, so velvety soft that Jungkook was sure he could fall asleep to it for the rest of the ride.
In the end, Jungkook smiled too, laughing a little amidst the pain and his drowsy state, relaxing his body in the seat.
It was certainly a weird moment between them. Jungkook couldn't name it, and maybe he didn't have to. He just felt something was changing, like gears turning in the right direction, mixing with the almost gone sound of their laughter in the air.
He passed out a moment later, remembering that he forgot to buy the snacks he wanted.
