Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters from the Inuyasha universe, but I sure do love playing with them. The rest is mine.
Chapter 1
"Shhh...Kenji...Not now, sweetheart," Kagome soothed, her son's wailing bouncing off of the walls of their small hut and causing her to squeeze her eyes shut in frustration. He was inconsolable. Again.
She couldn't fault him.
Most nights, she was inconsolable too. It had been months now since her husband, Hojo, had passed in a hunting accident - he had been run through by a wild boar. The shock of seeing his bloodied body...it had almost sent her into an early labor.
Now, it was just the two of them, and the poor boy had never even had the chance to meet his father.
"Kenji, please," Kagome begged, shrugging her yukata open and bringing her infant son to her breast. It took a few minutes before the boy latched on to her toughening nipple, but once he did, she sighed in relief as silence filled her small hut. Never before had she appreciated silence as much as she did now. The throbbing in her temples was easing ever so slightly, and she felt like she could breathe again…just for a moment.
"Thank you, sweetheart," she sighed, holding him tightly to her chest as she cherished her few moments of blissful silence.
So far, it had been hard raising Kenji all on her own with no husband to help her. No husband to share her pains with or delight in Kenji's developments. She missed Hojo...her sweet, yet daft man...he had always been so aloof, and that had been his downfall.
Their downfall.
A knock came from her door as Kenji finished his meal, and Kagome lifted him over her shoulder and gently patted his back as she opened it.
"Kikyo," Kagome smiled, almost relieved to see the woman on the other side of the door. She was a regal, elegant woman who was one of the village mikos, beloved by all not only for her healing abilities, but also for her kindness. She had been there when Hojo passed. If Kikyo couldn't save him, there had been no hope for him to begin with.
She wore her long, black hair loose that day, and Kagome absently noticed the winter wind tussling it and somehow adding to her beauty. Kikyo's cinnamon eyes were warm and calming, her lips full and smiling.
"Kagome," she greeted warmly, one hand wrapped around her full, plump belly. The other held a bowl with raw meat inside. "How are you, my dear? How is our little Kenji today?"
"Crying up a storm until a few moments ago...I just fed him, and he's quieted a bit. I think he might sleep soon…or so I hope, at least," she replied, her tired laugh sounding almost foreign to her own ears.
"Well, I won't keep you - I wanted to bring you some of Inuyasha's hunt," she explained, holding the bowl out to her. Inuyasha was as good and kind as Kikyo. A half demon who had lived amongst them for the past five years, he had become a protector for them all. He helped keep lesser demons at bay, his own demonic aura strong enough to warn them off. Stronger ones who sought anything more than a hut to spend the night in were quickly met with the sharp end of his blade.
The most intriguing thing about Inuyasha, however, was his marriage to Kikyo.
He had fallen in love with the miko shortly after arriving at the village and had spent the subsequent two years ingratiating himself with the villagers, slowly trying to woo her.
What he hadn't known at the time was that he needn't try as hard as he had.
Kikyo had fallen for him almost as soon as he met him.
The two were lovesick fools, living only within each other and only having eyes for one another.
Now, Kikyo carried their first child within her womb. It had taken years of trying, which, when she was amongst friendly ears at the hot spring, she joked was something Inuyasha had been more than happy to practice doing. Now, they were done practicing and the woman glowed. Their happiness was infectious - it was hard not to smile when around either one of the couple.
"Kikyo…"
"He is still preparing the rest of his hunt, but he mentioned wanting to come by tomorrow to drop them off? He admires your tanning work, Kagome. Truly. He never brings back more coin or rice than when he works with you."
"And I'm thankful for his business. Truly...I don't know what I would do without either of you."
"Persevere, my dear," she replied knowingly as she handed the bowl to her. "You have a fighting spirit in you. I've always held that belief - ever since we were children and you saved me from drowning in the river."
Kagome remembered that day well...it still visited her in her dreams on some nights. She was proud.
"Oh!" Kikyo gasped, her arms wrapping around her straining belly. "He's feisty today!"
"He takes after his father," Kagome smirked, and the women giggled in unison together.
"Maybe," she agreed. "I...I hope it's a boy, even though I know Inuyasha secretly longs for a girl. I want to be able to give him this...a strong little boy to carry on his lineage...and I hope he's the spitting image of his father."
"I hope the Kamis smile favorably upon you both, Kikyo...I hope you have a strong, healthy boy."
"Kagome," Inuyasha greeted, and Kagome gathered the furs he had left with her to tan.
"Inuyasha, these were a dream to work on...your knife skills are superb," she complimented, handing them to the man. He blushed sweetly under her praise...and also in slight embarrassment.
"Thank you," he mumbled, taking the furs from her. "I don't...use a knife," he admitted quietly, and Kagome's brow furrowed in confusion before smoothing in understanding. He used his claws. Of course he did...she had been foolish to think otherwise.
"Well, regardless of what you used, you did a wonderful job," she smiled brightly, trying to smooth over her unintentional gaff. "How is your son?"
The hanyou's face instantly brightened as he told her all about his newborn infant and also how wonderful a mother Kikyo was. He was so proud of her - her labor had been long and hard, and he had nearly forced his way into the birthing room when her cries of pain had reached him...but...she championed on without him and delivered him with the most precious gift he could have ever asked for.
A family.
They had yet to name him, but Kagome knew it would happen soon.
"I don't want to leave them right now, but Kikyo insisted. We could use some more fabric to make him some clothes. I always knew babies were messy, but I never anticipated this," he smiled wryly.
"You wouldn't trade it for anything in the world though, would you?"
"Not a thing."
The sky was red, and the air was filled with smoke...Kagome didn't understand what was happening...didn't know what was going on…
She didn't know if she should take Kenji and run or grab a knife and hunker down in the corner of her hut.
Screams filled the air as she clutched her son closer to her bosom before wrapping him to her front. She grabbed the knife, suddenly determined to make a run for the forest. She could always come back and find home again...but if she stayed…
A roar tore through the air in the distance, and Kagome felt her heart jump into her throat.
Inuyasha was home.
They would be saved.
The screams had stopped, but the air still smelled singed - it was full of ash and destruction. Her home had been spared, but others weren't as fortunate. Others...like Inuyasha.
When she found him with Kenji strapped to her front, he was sitting amongst the rubble of his home. It was hard to look at Kikyo...the bloodied wounds and the singed flesh...but it was harder to look at Inuyasha. She had never seen him cry before. No...not even cry. Openly weep. He was always so strong...always protected everyone…
To see him like this...clutching his bride to his chest as his new born babe wailed for his mother…
Her feet moved her to him, and she took him into her arms and tried to share in his pain.
A part of her hated herself for being weak...for not doing more for him and the others. She had chosen to stay inside and protect her child instead of trying to fight for their village.
But...he was her son. She couldn't abandon him like that and possibly even orphan him permanently. She was all Kenji had...and that was why she stood by her decision. What could one, small onna really do in the face of that tragedy?
Kagome felt Inuyasha's tears soak into her yukata as he turned his face into her neck, accepting the comfort she offered him.
"I know little one, I know…" Kagome soothed, running her fingers through Inuyasha's son's hair. He wasn't eating and was fighting against it and her. He knew on an instinctual level that she wasn't his mother, but...he needed to eat.
She had welcomed Inuyasha into her home, despite his initial uncertainty at the prospect. She had insisted, however. He had a son now. He couldn't run off to a cave to wallow and rot until he joined his wife in the afterlife. He had his babe to think of, and somehow, she had convinced him that moving in with her was the right decision...at least until his son was old enough to no longer need milk.
Kenji could share. Or learn to, at least.
That was provided this sweet angel stopped caterwauling and took her breast.
"Please, sweet boy...you have to," she quietly begged as he turned away from her breast.
"You don't smell like her," Inuyasha whispered from the other side of the room.
Kagome thought she had imagined it at first. It was hard to hear anything over his son's wailing, but she looked up at the man sitting on the other side of her hut that was allowing her son to gnaw at his knuckle. His face was exhausted - his eyes were sunken in, and there were giant bags under them. She knew he wasn't sleeping. She didn't know if it was because he couldn't or because he didn't want to, but either way, she knew he wasn't.
"He's rejecting you because you aren't her. He's stubborn like me...doesn't know what's good for him, just like me…" she watched Inuyasha roll his head back against her wall, staring up at the ceiling. "He got too much from me...he should have been more like his mother."
Kagome swallowed hard as he closed his eyes, his face twisting in pain again.
He still cried.
She didn't think Inuyasha was aware that she knew, but she did. She didn't judge him - she knew that pain all too well herself. She just wished she could do more to help him.
"Perhaps we can change that...did she have a special smell? Something I could rub myself in?"
Inuyasha was quiet for a long time again as she continued to fight with his son, begging him to take her breast.
"Tiger lilies."
Kagome looked back up at Inuyasha, her brows raised in surprise.
"She smelled like tiger lilies," he said a bit louder, looking at her again. "I'll find some when he's calmer."
"Tiger lilies..." she acknowledged, pushing some of her hair behind her ear. "How lovely!"
"She was," he agreed, closing his eyes and rolling his head back again.
She continued to struggle to feed his son until he cried himself to sleep.
Her home was always filled with tiger lilies. The air was so potent with their scent that she could smell it in every corner. Inuyasha must have plucked every one he found in a field and filled every bucket she owned with them. It was beautiful, if not a little overpowering...but it seemed to help his son take to her breast a little better.
He still fought her, but not nearly as much now. He was a bit more willing to accept her milk, and she was relieved. He was beginning to turn a corner. Inuyasha, however…
Inuyasha was still struggling. She knew that he would sneak away during the night sometimes. She had wondered where he went at first, but one day, he came back with dirt smudged across his cheek.
It didn't take much after that to know.
He was sleeping at Kikyo's grave.
She didn't comment on it, and knew better than to pry. She had slept in Hojo's sleep yukata as she grieved her own loss. This was part of Inuyasha's, and she respected that. She had merely wet a cloth and wiped his cheek. He had sputtered out some explanation of rubbing his cheek when he went fishing, and she nodded as she returned to stir their rice.
Kenji began to fuss, and Inuyasha picked him up and handed her son to her.
"Are you ready for breakfast, my sweet Kenji?" she asked lovingly, opening her yukata. He found her breast and immediately latched on, her nipples now tougher than they had once been. He had become better at feeding as he got older, and that was something she appreciated. Now, she only needed to fight with one baby to eat…
Kagome glanced up at Inuyasha to see that he had moved to his own son, laying on his side next to the sleeping babe. He never looked directly at her when she fed the children - he always slightly averted his eyes, as if to give her some privacy...but he never left. She could sense that he didn't want to leave either of the boys, and she appreciated it.
As Kenji finished, Inuyasha's babe awakened, and he traded children with her before she asked him to stir the rice.
"Will you be fine looking after the boys on your own today?" he asked as his son swatted at her again before finally relenting and taking her milk.
"Yes...I should be," she confirmed, puzzled by his question.
"I'm going to go hunting again," he explained, finally meeting her eyes for the first time in...she wasn't quite sure when. Since the day he had left to trade the furs? "The boys are growing and he...they could both use more clothes."
She struggled to find the words to tell him that he didn't have to go, but she understood if he felt that he needed to. If he needed time alone in the woods, she understood. If he needed to run away from the village to scream and cry and tear at the earth, she understood.
Instead, she nodded and gave her thanks.
He was gone after breakfast.
"Stop crying...please…" Inuyasha begged, roughly bouncing his son in his arms. He wasn't hungry. He didn't smell. He wouldn't play. He didn't know what the hell was wrong with him. He was trying everything he could think of, but it wasn't working.
His son's wails were beginning to give him a headache. Inuyasha's ears were pressed flat to his head just to try and block some of it out.
It. Wasn't. Working.
"Come on...what do you want?" he begged, bouncing him a bit harder. "Do you want your ball?" he tried, picking it up and handing it to him. He had no interest in it, and Inuyasha bit the inside of his cheek. What the fuck did he want?
He was the kid's father - he should know! He should be able to figure it out!
"What do you want?" he tried again, as if he expected the words to fall from his son's mouth instead of the wails. "Do you want me to tell you a story?" he asked, his strained words gaining volume. "Do you want to eat? Do you want a song? What do you want?!" he all but screamed, and Kagome called his name and pulled his attention to her. She had been cooking dinner when he had noticed that Kenji needed to be changed, and she had left to handle it. That's when all hell had broken loose.
"Inuyasha, try this," Kagome urged, holding Kenji to her shoulder and firmly patting his back. "Do it like this...time it to your heart beat," she instructed, coming to stand beside him as he mirrored her hold.
He raised his hand to his son's back and began to pat, watching Kagome and timing his movements to hers. His son continued his wailing for a few more moments until it slowly started to subside and became merely trembling with the occasional hiccup.
"There you go," Kagome smiled warmly, putting Kenji into a fabric wrap across her front. "He's all better now! Look at that happy boy," she cooed, wiggling a finger in front of his son's face from over his shoulder. The infant reached out to grab it, and she giggled. "Did you steal my finger from me?" she gasped, and Inuyasha turned his head as best as he could to watch the pair in fascination and awe.
"How am I going to make your papa any dinner if you have my finger, you little rascal? Can I have my finger back?" she asked warmly, crooking her finger and moving it from side to side, making his fist wiggle.
He watched his son watch Kagome in fascination for a moment before he let go of her finger.
"Thank you, sweet boy!" she grinned, kissing the top of the baby's head as he continued to pat his back. "I think that stew should be done soon," she pondered, moving across her hut to stir the pot.
How had she done that? How could she just...swoop in and make him stop crying? Why couldn't he do that? Was he not good enough for him? Was he not...he didn't know how to do any of this, did he? He was all but screaming at his baby when Kagome had saved him. He had been so angry! He just wanted the crying to stop. He had wanted the headache and the frustration to just go away. He wasn't good at any of this.
"We're a little low on firewood," Kagome commented, drawing him away from his thoughts. "Would you mind bringing some back tomorrow?"
He opened his mouth to tell her that he would, but the words wouldn't come. Instead, he could only nod his head. She glanced up at him, raising an uncertain brow, and he realized that...of course...she had no idea he had said he would. Her focus was on dinner.
Because she fed him - him and his son. She gave them a roof over their heads and a bed to sleep in. What did he do? What was he even good at?
He wasn't sure he knew anymore.
He couldn't protect anyone, that was for sure. He couldn't keep Kikyo from dying. He hadn't made it back to the village fast enough. She was dead because of him, and it was all his fucking fault. He shouldn't have left to trade those damn furs. If he hadn't...
"Yeah," he croaked.
He couldn't stay.
He couldn't do this. What good was he? His son didn't need him. He couldn't do anything for him. Couldn't soothe him on his own…couldn't feed him...what good was he to him?
What good was he to anyone?
Without Kikyo…
He was nothing without Kikyo. He couldn't do this without her. He couldn't raise their son on his own. They were supposed to do this together...he couldn't do this without her...
"I'll go now. Can you watch him for me?"
"Of course," she smiled, opening an arm to take his son from him. His fingers moved down to the boy's cheek - his thumb rubbing his soft, wet skin tenderly. He looked so sweetly innocent with those twin golden eyes gazing back into his.
He wanted to remember his son's face and how perfect it was, right now, for the rest of his life. He wanted to take that with him.
"You be good for Kagome, you hear?" he smiled wryly, leaning down to kiss the top of his head. Inuyasha closed his eyes, inhaling deeply so that he could remember his smell.
"This little angel?" Kagome teased. "You don't have to worry about a thing."
"Thank you, Kagome. For everything."
She glanced back up at him as he turned to leave, unwilling to delay what he knew in his heart was best.
A/N: Story written for MamaBearCat for her birthday! The story is already completely written and will slowly be uploaded as Saucy can edit it. Thanks to Dawnrider for working on this with me and the feedback!
