The slightly damp grass crushed against his feet, his heavy combat boots pressing into the ground as he stumbled across the cemetery. The night air was cold, and he in his infinite wisdom had neglected to grab a jacket despite it being barely even thirty degrees out. The hairs on his arms stood up straighter than the alcohol had left him even capable of standing.
But it was the anniversary. So he had to be here. He always did.
Six years. It was hard to believe it had been that long since his cousin passed away, sometimes it felt like it was just yesterday that they got the call.
Lu Ten served in the army, like his dad had before him. Probably wanted to make Iroh proud, something the two of them had in common. He went to war, but unlike Iroh he never came back.
Helicopter crash. They never even found the body. The news had rocked their entire world.
Uncle had been devastated. Understandably so, it wasn't a loss you could walk away from easy. It's said the grief of the loss killed their grandfather too. That or his age.
Lu Ten just had this way of brightening every single room he entered. He'd turn enemies to allies in an evening at dinner. His laugh could defuse even the tensest fight. He and his father were proof that this family tree didn't only contain monsters.
He was Zuko's hero, the prime example of everything he wanted to be. He was even gonna join the army, just like him. Then it killed him, and Zuko threw that dream away.
Six years to the day since he'd lost his cousin, his role model, and here Zuko was. Snuck away in the middle of the night with a half drank bottle in his hand to a gravesite he'd visited every year.
He never went with his uncle. Iroh offered to take him with when he visited, but Zuko always refused. Yet, he always found his way here later anyway.
Another way he failed his Uncle. Iroh probably could use the company, but he never thought of that did he?
His fingers drifted into his pockets, finding their way instinctively to the lighter in his pocket. He pullet it out of its confines, running his hands along the smooth metal of it, spinning it in his hand before flipping it open, reveling in the small flame it provided.
Zuko'd always found a comfort in the flames. The heat. He did always like to play with fire, even as a kid. Even after what fire'd done to him.
Iroh had taken Zuko in since…the incident. With his father. The one that led to his mother running away never to be seen again and his dad ending up in prison and him ending up with a scar across his face and years worth of pent-up rage.
His uncle put up with a lot. His scathing tongue, his refusal to do as asked, the multiple arrests, the sneaking out and drinking and snapping. He took it all and never lost his good humor, never let his smile waver. Zuko got arrested again? In he walked, bailing him out with a smile and a hug.
Sometimes he wished he hated him for it. Wished he'd scold and yell at him and call him worthless and no good and shoot him down like his actual father. But he never did.
Iroh deserved better. Deserved better than that, deserved better than him. Zuko knew it, everyone who knew them knew it. It was just a fact of life. No matter how much Zuko reminded himself of that fact, it never changed anything. He still snapped. He still got into fights. He still was…him.
Iroh deserved Lu Ten. Iroh had him instead. Lu Ten was his real son, the one to be proud of. The one who accomplished things, who passed his classes with flying colors and volunteered at the homeless shelter and shoveled everyone on the block's driveway.
Zuko hadn't accomplished anything. Never even went to school, let alone passed. Didn't do anything for anyone but himself. He didn't even compare.
"You know, I looked up to you," Zuko broke the silence, speaking to the gravestone. "Lu Ten, in loving memory. Beloved son, cherished cousin, fallen soldier." His words slurred, the alcohol holding on to his motor functions and knocking them ever so slightly off balance.
"I want to hate you. You were everything I ever wanted to be. The perfect son. My amazing cousin. Even my own dad wanted me to be like you," he spat out, his anger and vitriol filling every word. "What I wouldn't give to be able to really be angry at you. To be jealous and envious and angry and all those fiery emotions that are all this fucking family is good for."
"But I don't get to hate you. Cause you're dead. You had to go and die so I don't get to be jealous of you for having everything I ever wanted when you were alive."
That wasn't fair. He knew that. Lu Ten wasn't to blame for him, wasn't to blame for Ozai being a piece of shit or his mom caring until she decided she couldn't deal with it anymore. Couldn't deal with them anymore.
None of that was Lu Ten's fault. Nothing ever was.
"I still remember all those days you came over, usually bringing candies or other things we weren't allowed to have. And you, me, and Azula would run around and play hide and seek. You always hid in the most obvious places. You always let us win, no matter the game, and we always felt like champions. Like we'd won the goddamn super bowl."
"I wondered how you did it a lot. How you kept it all together, event though the odds were stacked against you. You took it all on the chin, every mean comment at dinner by Ozai or whatever stupid bullshit came your way. Any time we'd hear you'd be visiting we'd count the fucking days."
"That was before mom left. Then, you stopped coming around. Got busy, I get it. But you stopped being here and Iroh had his business and Azula drifted to his side and then it was me. On my own. Trying to hold the pieces together as best as I could. Lucky fucking me."
"He still thinks about you a lot. Talks about you sometimes. More now than before. You're dead, and your dad cares more about you than mine ever did about me."
Letting out a sigh, he ran his hands through his unkempt black hair. "Look at me, talking to a fucking grave. Maybe I am as messed up as everyone already thinks I am."
His eyes locked on the gravestone, eyes not leaving the engraved tablet. "Ozai always said I was lucky to be born. Well, it seems my "luck" is just misfortune for everyone else. For Ozai, for Mom, for Azula, for Iroh…"
Between the fines and the bail and the general cost of living, all Zuko'd been since he came to live with Uncle was a burden. Whether Iroh admitted it or not.
He took another pull from the handle of whatever random booze he'd stolen from his Uncle's house, feeling the burn tear down his throat and the warmth immediately rise to his chest. He was breathing heavily, could feel his chest rise and fall like he was struggling to take full breaths.
"Why'd it have to be you? You should be the one here, and I should…I should be where you are," he barely even felt the tear slide down his face, already numb from the cold and his own lack of sobriety. "I shouldn't fucking be here. It'd just be better for everyone that way? Right? Right?!"
He was raising his voice now. Sure, that increased the odds of him getting caught but at this point? What did he care? He already had multiple instances just like this on his record anyway.
What did he have left to care about at this point?
"Wouldn't it be?! Go on, say it! Say what we're all thinking! Say that all I am is a burden, or unstable, or angry all the time! Say the world would be better off without me! Say it! Why aren't you saying anything?!"
With a primal scream, he threw the bottle on the ground, the glass shattering into a million tiny pieces right there in the grass. His breathing grew even more labored, as if every time he opened his mouth he had to rip as much air as possible out of the ether or he'd never get enough. He could feel his shoulders begin to shake as the tears began to fall in earnest.
Beloved son. Cherished cousin.
None of those described Zuko.
Lu Ten was the son Iroh deserved. Zuko was the discarded shell he was stuck with.
"I miss you. We all do." Zuko finally said after who knows how long just standing there. "See you next year, cousin. One way or the other."
I don't really know where this came from tbh. I just got the nugget of an idea for a one shot where Zuko visits Lu Ten's grave and it just kinda…came rushing out. I'm still not sure how I feel about it but I just wanted to publish all the same.
