"Hey, Roy," Chet said, tone unexpectedly serious, as he all but knocked Roy down as he walked into the station before the start of shift. "Boy am I glad to see you, Johnny's in a bad way right now."
"Johnny? What's wrong with him?" He questioned. It wasn't like Chet to be serious, especially not this early, so whatever was going on with Johnny had to be pretty bad. Surely Johnny couldn't have hurt himself already, right? Shift hadn't even started yet. Then again if anyone could manage it, it was Johnny…
"Well it's like this," Chet continued. "According to Dwyer, Boot was doing real badly this morning, got real sick out of nowhere, you know? By the time the vet opened, it was too late. Dwyer said there was nothing anyone could've done, whatever happened to him took him fast."
Roy froze, letting what Chet had said sink in. Boot was dead. And Johnny… Now things made sense. For as much as Boot seemed to not like Johnny at first, the two had eventually bonded, becoming something Roy could only describe as buddies. Sure, Boot sometimes still had his moments. He still tore up Johnny's pillow or peed on his bunk while they were away, but Johnny never took it to heart. In fact, sometimes he saw Johnny sneaking him scraps of lunch when he thought nobody was looking, almost as if Johnny was afraid to be caught. Why, he wasn't sure, but regardless Roy never said anything, nor did anyone else.
"And Johnny's taking it hard?" Roy finally asked when he found his voice.
Chet nodded. "Dwyer said he got to say goodbye to Boot before they took him to get cremated, said Johnny said he'd pay for the entire thing himself. Man, he really loved that dog didn't he?"
"Yeah," Roy's throat felt strangely dry all of a sudden. "Yeah, he did. Is he in there?" He gestured towards the locker room.
Chet nodded. "He's been in there since I got here. I thought about talking to him but I thought you'd know what to say more than I would."
"Thanks, Chet," Roy said heading to the locker room. For as much as Chet pranked Johnny and gave him shit, at the end of the day they cared a lot more about each other than either would like to admit.
Stepping into the locker room, Roy caught sight of Johnny sitting in his customary thinking place inside his locker. His head was down and he was clearly miserable, and Roy was immensely grateful for Chet not having charged in like a freight train and making things worse, as the man had a tendency to speak before he thought things through fully.
"Johnny…?" He asked quietly, as he approached slowly, almost cautiously. The last thing he wanted to do was scare him off.
"I'm guessing you heard?" Johnny asked simply, not looking up.
Roy nodded before realizing Johnny wouldn't hear a nod. "Yeah. I'm really sorry, I know how much you liked Boot."
"Y'know, I just can't believe it." Johnny said after a couple seconds. "That dog hated me at first and now that he finally got to liking me…"
"Yeah…"
"You know, Dwyer said there wasn't a thing that could be done for Boot. And yet, here I am, thinking that maybe if I would've gotten in in time maybe I could've done something to save him." And there it was, the guilt. It was just like Johnny to somehow find some way to blame himself in something as blameless as this.
"There's nothing you could've done, Johnny. You know Dwyer did all he could and from what I've heard, he was already too far gone, not even a vet could've saved him."
"I know that, I just," Johnny paused and sighed. "I just can't help but wonder, is all."
"I understand that, I just don't think you should blame yourself for something that was completely out of your control. Maybe it was just Boot's time to go and there was nothing you or anyone else could've done to change that."
"I just don't understand it, Roy. Boot was a perfectly healthy dog, or at least I thought he was. How did this happen? How did we get here?"
For the first time, Johnny finally looked up and met Roy's eyes. And for the first time he also noticed the tears glistening in those very same eyes. It was clear that Johnny had loved Boot, more than Roy or anyone else had realized, and perhaps even more than Johnny himself had realized. Roy felt his own heart breaking as stared into those expressive eyes, caught off guard by how openly vulnerable Johnny was right now. He trusts you, a voice inside his head screamed and he knew he needed to do whatever he could right now to make this better for his friend. And if not better, at least slightly easier to bear.
"Do you need anything, Johnny?" Roy surprised himself by asking. "Anything at all, say the word and I'll do it."
"Huh?" Johnny questioned.
"Do you need anything?" He repeated. "Do you think you need to go home? I could talk to Cap, maybe get a replacement for you..."
Johnny shook his head. "No, I'm fine to work. Besides, I don't wanna be at home by myself. That's not what I need."
"Then, what? What do you need, Johnny?"
"Well, I…" Johnny hesitated, almost embarrassed. "Honestly, I'd like a hug right about now."
And there it was again, that vulnerability. The same vulnerability Johnny usually hid from everyone, preferring to stuff it down and pretend it didn't exist by putting on the mask he wore so well. But now he was willingly showing it to him… and Roy suddenly didn't know how to react.
"A hug?"
"Keep it down, will you?" Johnny looked around the empty locker room as if he expected someone to suddenly appear out of nowhere to give him shit. "I don't need Chet overhearing that I, the big brave paramedic, needs a hug. I'd never hear the end of it."
"I don't think you need to worry about Chet, he seemed pretty concerned about you when I talked to him."
"Chet, concerned? Nah. He was probably just trying to think up his next prank."
"No, I don't think so. I don't think you give him enough credit sometimes, I think he really cares about you."
Johnny seemed to deflate a little. "Yeah, I guess maybe you're right."
"So about that hug," Roy held out his arms to Johnny. "Come here."
"What? You really mean it? You don't have to… I didn't - I didn't…" Johnny stammered. He seemed embarrassed, afraid even, and Roy was a little scared he'd bolt. And he couldn't let that happen, not now. Not after Johnny'd opened himself up to him.
"Come here," Roy repeated more forcefully. He'd be damned if he let Johnny get away without the hug he'd admitted he'd needed. It was almost silly, really, that Johnny would be so embarrassed about needing something as basic as simple comfort, something Roy admittedly received without a second thought whenever he needed it. But unlike Roy, Johnny didn't have a caring wife, or a family even, so Roy supposed it made sense that Johnny was so uncomfortable even admitting he needed a hug. But still…
Quietly and looking like he was headed towards his doom rather than just to hug him, Johnny finally came to Roy. And still he hesitated.
"You don't have to do this - I," But just as he started, Roy pulled him against him. "Oh."
And just like that Johnny was in his arms. And just like that Johnny was falling apart, painful sobs tearing through his body as sobbed into his shoulder and shook in his arms. Something wrenched painfully in Roy's chest as he held his partner tight, as if it were possible for him to hold Johnny so tight it'd glue all his many broken pieces back together. And maybe he couldn't do that, but he was damned determined to try. So in the silence of the locker room, they just stood there holding each other, almost as if they were each other's lifelines. Almost as if one let go the other would surely not make it.
And maybe that had some truth to it, Roy acknowledged silently, so he hung onto Johnny for dear life and let him take what he needed from him. Because if this was the only thing he could do for him, then that was fine, but he wanted to make it count.
Finally after what seemed like forever and not long enough simultaneously, Johnny pulled back, eyes red, face tear-stained, and looking positively broken, but there was something undeniably lighter about him.
"Feel better?" Roy asked, as he dug out the handkerchief from his pants and handed it to Johnny.
Johnny stared at it a second, as if contemplating the gesture. "Yeah, yeah, I do. Thanks a lot, Roy."
"You can come to me anytime you need, alright? I'll always be here for you, Johnny."
"10-4?" Johnny smiled softly. It wasn't his usual thousand watt smile, but it was something and Roy had never felt more grateful to see it.
"10-4."
Dedicated to my dog who passed away on December 4th, 2021. I'll always love you with all my heart.
