Chapter 16
That hope did not last long.
Torune was true to his word, they did spend more time together when Shino returned. Torune shared one of those things he had been trying to sort out was a difficult decision to move out, back to his branch's quarters, specifically his own family's currently empty home.
"I talked to your dad about it first, I wanted his blessing. It's just… I don't know, like I said, I'm trying to sort some things out. Felt like I needed to go back there. I know that's probably not a satisfactory answer for you. Isn't exactly A plus B equals C."
Shino paused. This should have been shocking, upsetting, but it wasn't. He felt… numb, as he often did nowadays. And he'd known this from the beginning, that Torune couldn't just return and everything would go back to the way it was. Torune didn't need his dad's guidance the same way he had as a child. Torune in fact had his own parents, though deceased, his own family, his own things he needed to settle for himself.
"It's alright. I understand."
"Yeah?" Torune asked, looking surprised.
Shino nodded. "Yes."
"You'll still be seeing me. That won't change."
Shino knew these were just the kind of things people said, reassurances that nothing would really change, when in fact everything would change. Maybe it was reassurance for Torune himself, the illusion, to give him the courage to go.
It was probably for the best, all things considered, especially after Torune's second bit of news, that he now shared with Kiba and Hinata as they were greeting and catching up with each other before Kiba and Torune began to spar. Another thing that Shino had known. Been amply prepared for.
"Well, it finally happened! Congratulations, you bastard." Kiba said with a grin on his face.
"You're just relieved because you think I'm not going to flirt with your sister anymore." Torune replied, grinning as well.
"You caught me… wait, what do you mean by, 'You think I'm not?'"
"We'll have to see, won't we?"
"What the hell's that supposed to mean? You drive me nuts, you know that?"
"You know you like me."
"Are you just trying to get me worked up, off my game before we spar?"
"There's no real need for me to do that."
"You got a smart comeback to everything don't you? Shino, does this guy do this to you or is it just me?"
"Somewhat." Shino answered honestly.
"What… really?" Kiba asked, incredulous, and Hinata perked up too. "That's kind of hard to imagine, honestly."
"See Kiba, everyone's fair game in my book. Except Miss Hinata of course. I'm too fond of you for that." Torune said, blowing a kiss in her direction.
Torune was seeing a girl in a neighboring village. He had met her on the way home from a mission with Fuu. He hadn't told anyone immediately, not sure how long it would last.
"She knows your body is host to a hive of venomous insects, right? No offense, Shino."
"Why, "No offense, Torune?"
"'Cause I did mean to offend you. Like, isn't that a hard sell?"
"It's true, the Aburame rarely marry outside the clan. It has been known to happen though."
"Shino, your mother was an outsider, right?" Hinata asked, gently.
"Yes."
"What's all the racket out here?" Kiba's mother called out, greeting them.
"Torune's dating a girl outside the village."
"About time. Congrats, kid."
"Thank you, Ms. Inuzuka."
"Oh my God. Don't call my ma that, it's weird. And it's not like it's going to last, the man's a walking hive, again, no offense Shino."
"Eh, that didn't stop Gen1. He married outside the clan. Didn't hurt he ain't bad looking.
"Ma! Hey, don't be flirting with Shino's dad!"
"Too late for that."
"… What?" Kiba stuttered, looking truly horrified, and Shino had to admit he felt somewhat uncomfortable himself. "I… I don't want to know this!"
"Don't worry, it's in the past, and it never got past that. Was just for fun. I remember when he married your ma, Shino. He was head over heels for her. Well, for him anyway. He was still quiet about it, but I could tell."
"You knew her?" Kiba asked.
"'Course I did. Gen and I went on missions together. You get to talking. Kind of the same thing, met her passing through somewhere. Brainy, a school teacher."
"Heh, sounds like you, Shino." Kiba smiled.
"'Course it does. She's his ma."
"Well anyway, now Torune's going to stop flirting with everyone!"
"Fat chance of that." Tsume said, smiling, with Torune nodding his approval.
"What?" Kiba said, totally confused, then shaking his head. "You know what? Fine, whatever. Let's just start, alright? I can't take much more of this."
"Fine by me." Torune replied.
Shino had been initially relived, when Torune first told him this. He was right. Lady Natsuki, for once was wrong. That relief didn't last long though. It left him aching, stranded, for now he knew he was truly alone in these feelings.
He thought of Hinata, how, despite the one-sidedness of her feelings for Naruto, she had taken strength from them. Shino mused that that took a measure of strength in itself, because he couldn't find it within himself to do the same. That glimmer of hope was crushed, gone. These feelings for Torune did not raise him up. They were just another burden. And he was already so very tired. In fact, he found himself avoiding Torune again, it wasn't difficult, he was rarely even on clan grounds anymore, because despite the one-sidedness, the futility of it all, it hurt to see Torune flirting with others.
Conserve, have to conserve energy.
Though, in the back of Shino's mind, he wondered, as he looked in the mirror, as he did every day, examining the puncture wounds. The skin around them was becoming grotesque, bruised, blues, purples, blacks, that never went away, the circle of it expanding out farther and farther as time went on. He wondered... why. Why, conserve energy, after all, he knew this from the start.
She would never let him go.
Death was the only way out.
At least Torune didn't ask him to spar.
"That is really a shame, about Torune. Yet I suppose even I make mistakes. I am not entirely convinced I was wrong, but I do apologize. For giving you false hope. I know it has pained you."
Another visit to Lady Natsuki's. They were not in her bedroom this time, one of the spares. Shino wasn't sure what the rhyme or reason was behind this, but he preferred it. Though he wondered if that was strange to think. It became part of the trap, the maze he could never escape from. Always picking between the lesser of two evils.
It could be worse.
The feeding was over, thankfully – again, why was he thankful for that – it had happened, nothing could erase that, yet it was true. He wished she wouldn't talk of Torune with him, as she was correct, it did pain him.
"Though, in some ways, that could be a blessing in disguise. For you see, sometimes the dream of something is more powerful than the thing itself, and in your case, well, this will not be news to you: I would be surprised if that man is a virgin, while you most certainly are. He will most definitely want to lay with you, and I do not judge you for this, for sex is only one realm of experience, but I doubt you would have an easy time of it. Better to spare yourself the embarrassment, don't you think? To keep it a dream, where neither party needs to be disappointed. Better yet, to keep it in your mind, where everything can go exactly as planned. I am aware this sounds harsh, but sometimes one needs to be cruel to be kind. For example, do you even know how it would go, between two men?"
"You are fond of me? Enough to want to be kind to me?"
"Ah, you believe this is a contradiction? Why would I continue to feed on you, if I were fond of you? All I can say that you will believe is that this world is not that black and white, and yes, it is possible, in some way, for me to be fond of you. After all, why else would I continue to call you back here? If I were not fond of you, I would have killed you, just as you have suspected I will one day."
"Are you? Going to kill me one day?"
"Sometimes talk of sex is enlivening, emboldening, for that is indeed a bold question. We shall have to wait and see, won't we?"
"If you don't kill me, will you turn me?"
"I will answer that outright: no. I have no desire to turn you."
"How were you turned?"
"This might seem a strange answer to you, but I barely remember anymore. When you have lived as many years, as many lives as I have, memory blurs, its importance fades, there is only the here and now. I have lived as a vampire far longer than I have as a mortal."
"Which did you prefer? Or, is there only the here and now, and you say it has no bearing on you anymore?"
"Do not think it has passed my notice your changing of the subject."
"You did say to ask you questions."
"Yes, to 'Keep me entertained,' as Noshiko put it. Alright, an answer for an answer, that is only fair. As a vampire, I have many things people dream of: riches, power, knowledge, health, youth. Despite all that, I preferred my time as a mortal. I felt more alive then. Does that seem odd to you?"
"Is the grass always greener on the other side?"
"That we covet what we do not have? Perhaps."
"Why do you ask me questions when you could check for yourself?"
"That ability is not perfect, as I am sure you have already realized. Yes, I could check, once the question arises, but we are here together, conversing, I would rather hear from you, and I will hear your answer now."
"I understand the concept."
"That is a unique way of putting it… I could teach you, if you like."
Every time he for some reason, perhaps just for his own sanity, believed this situation could not get any worse, he was always proven wrong.
"For sometimes, it is better to keep hope alive, is it not? This way, if the opportunity ever should arise, you would be prepared."
"How would such an opportunity ever arise? He would see my neck. You would not allow that."
"Perhaps, I would let you go. Perhaps, like I said, it is better to keep hope alive. You have not given me an answer."
Shino wondered what the point of this was. Was this even a question? Would she honor his answer?
"There you go again, wondering why. Why would I ask this of you, when I do not ask your permission to feed on you. The simple answer is, I want to feed on you. I do not hold this particular carnal desire for you, yet I would not be opposed to it. I would find it rather interesting, I should think. We would be of course be fulfilling the initial assumptions of your family and friends."
"I do not want that."
Lady Natsuki smiled then nodded. "As you wish."
