A/N: Hello readers! Here's chapter 7 for you, I actually had a pretty good time writing it, so I hope you like! Honestly, writing this story is making me miss Private Practice a lot more than I thought it would. Thanks so much for reading!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 7
February, 2012
Los Angeles, California
Jake felt as though he were thirteen years old again, what with all the butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. Sure, he'd been in relationships before – hell, he'd even been married before – but no woman had ever made him feel the way he felt when he was around Addison Montgomery.
She had mesmerized him since the moment he laid eyes on her in that grocery store, but now, after spending so much time with her and especially after their weekend in Palm Springs, he was sure he was in love with her.
He felt better too, knowing that these feelings weren't just a result of him feeling bad for her after she told him about her past, that night in the hotel room. Instead he realized that he had in fact reached the point of no return; he already loved Addison enough to the point where anything she told him about her past would no longer matter to him, because he loved the woman she was today.
That morning the butterflies had started as soon as he saw her step out of the elevator, looking extremely professional yet beautiful in her usual fifteen-inch heels, knee-length floral dress and long black jacket to match. As per usual, she was looking down at her phone, checking emails. When she looked up, that was when Jake thought his heart was going to give out.
He knew he sounded like such a cliché teenage boy; he hated it, but he couldn't help it.
Addison looked straight at him, her clear ocean eyes meeting his; he half-expected her to start a conversation, but what did they have to talk about? The last time they had really talked was during the weekend in Palm Springs, and as much as he wished she wasn't, he knew she was still pretty embarrassed about her drunken evening performance in his hotel room.
She opened her mouth awkwardly then walked away. Of course, being the master of charm and charisma, Jake was able to hide his feelings well, giving her just a small smile, but he knew right then that that single interaction would be on his mind for the rest of the day.
A couple hours later, Jake stood in the kitchen, reaching into the cabinet for a coffee mug. He hadn't seen Addison at all since that morning, and as much as he hated to admit it, she was probably ignoring him until she was no longer embarrassed with herself.
He knew; when he walked past her office this morning with a patient, he'd seen her with Violet. The two had such obvious female gossip looks on their faces.
Then he heard it, just as he was reaching for the almost-full coffee pot; the sound of those oh-so-familiar stilettos. Unfortunately, the stilettos weren't alone.
"So, Sheldon took her off her meds?" he heard Addison ask, before turning around. If she noticed him she didn't show it. She held her jacket in her arm and her bag in another, almost as if she were on her way out of the office.
"Yeah, temporarily," came the voice of Sam Bennett.
Jake turned around. Sam was reaching into the fridge while Addison looked at him with a concerned expression; too concerned, Jake thought, for someone who was completely over him.
"Well, did she…is she any different?" she asked.
"Uh, not much. Not yet," Sam told her. "Apparently they had her pretty zonked out. We're gonna have to wait for it all to wear off."
Jake glanced at the pair.
"But, Sheldon canceled all his patients, said he would spend the day with her, try to make a real diagnosis."
"And then what?" Addison pressed.
"I don't know," Sam replied. "Uh…I just…I don't know."
Jake turned back around, caught between wanting to eavesdrop on their conversation and not wanting to be rude.
"Did you call your family, your mom?" Addison asked.
"No," Sam said. "No, I…I'm taking this thing like, a minute at a time. And I can't look ahead. I just…I don't know." Sam sighed, and without another word, strode past Addison and out of the kitchen.
She stood there for a moment, contemplating, looking sad. Jake sat down at the island, wishing he knew exactly what was going on in her head.
"It's not your job anymore, you know," he said, before he could stop himself. The look she gave him made him want to kick himself, too. The last thing he wanted to do was push her, but he loved her so much, if he absolutely had to push her, he would. "To, uh, take care of him," he continued. "To worry about him."
"He's my friend," Addison said, slipping into her jacket.
"He'll be your friend again someday, but right now he's mostly just your ex. I mean, you still want a baby, right? I know you needed a break, but has anything changed?" Jake asked her. As level headed and calm as he was, he swore if Sam Bennett got inside her head yet again and made her feel like she wasn't fit to be a mother, he might have to smash something against the wall.
"No. I still want a baby," she told him. Another baby may have been a more appropriate question and response, but he wasn't sure how much of that conversation she remembered.
"Then right now, Sam is your ex," he said, looking at her. "You try to pretend he's your friend, and…"
"And what?"
"And you hurt worse. I know he's having a tough time right now, but he has other friends, and…" he paused, considering how honest he wanted to be. He hated seeing her hurting, and he knew, thanks to what she had told him in the hotel the other night, that she had been hurt by men multiple times in her life, and she didn't deserve that. "And I would hate to see you hurt worse," he said.
Addison paused, looking at him. Again he wished he knew what was going on in her head. He knew she was struggling, still trying to get over Sam, and he wanted to be there for her every step of the way.
However, what he didn't consider was the possibility that, because she wasn't yet over Sam and because Sam was going through this sort of personal crisis with his sister, she might go back to him. Yet the fact that he didn't consider that possibility was another reminder of just how in love with her he was. His relief that they'd broken up in the first place had distracted him.
He didn't see it coming. He should have, but he didn't.
One day later
February, 2012
New York City, New York
Addison felt a chill go down her spine, staring out the airplane window down at the New York City skyline. Her eyes were heavy; she had taken the red-eye and hadn't slept much last night. This was the first time she had been back to the Big Apple in, well, years. She had so much history in this city – with her ex-husband, mostly – so much history that she didn't always like to revisit.
Sure, she had loved and been loved in New York. She had met Derek here. She had gone to med. school here with Derek, Mark, Sam, and Naomi. She had married Derek here, built a life with him. Thinking back, Addison wanted to laugh at herself for being so naïve in her youth, for thinking that all of her friends would always be together forever.
If only that were the case.
She had also experienced some of the greatest heartaches of her life in New York. Sam and Naomi had moved away. Her marriage had fallen apart in New York, and finally, she had cheated on the man who she had thought was the love of her life.
And then there was her daughter. New York had also taken her only baby from her, a baby she never even had the chance to love.
She had left Los Angeles on a mission, a mission to fly to New York and to find her baby, and of course at the time it had sounded one hundred percent plausible and like the greatest plan in the world. That was until she stepped off the plane and onto the familiar JFK airport terminal. It was then that Addison realized she had absolutely no idea what the hell she was doing.
Adjusting her tan leather bag on her shoulder, Addison stepped outside, shivering as the chilly New England air blew through her auburn locks. Raising her hand, she hailed a cab to the best of her New-Yorker-Woman ability. Immediately, two stopped; she hadn't lost her touch.
"Where to, ma'am?" the driver asked.
Normally Addison would cringe every time someone called her Ms. or Ma'am (or the worst, Mrs.) instead of Doctor, but now she wasn't even paying attention because, all of the sudden she realized, she didn't know where exactly she wanted to go.
Of course she wanted to visit the orphanage Alina had said she had been adopted from as a child, but did she really want to go there now?
"Uh, 52 West 77th Street, Upper West Side," she said. Her heart skipped a beat; without even thinking, she had told the driver to take her to the old brownstone.
Taking a deep breath, Addison stared out the window of the cab as it crossed the Williamsburg Bridge into town. It was a crisp, sunny winter day and traffic was getting heavier. She felt like a rock was sitting at the bottom of her stomach, and she was nervous. Who lived in that house now? Were they happy?
About a half hour later, the cab came to a stop. Addison thanked the man, handing him the fare before stepping outside. Looking up, she felt tears sting her eyes. The last time she had seen this house, Derek had left her for Seattle and Mark had semi-moved in – a desperate attempt at a relationship in order to keep Addison from feeling like she'd thrown her entire marriage away for nothing.
So many memories came flashing back to her, the good, and the bad. But mostly good, which would explain the cascade of tears running down her cheeks.
Maybe she imagined it – she couldn't tell – but for a moment she thought she saw a woman cross the living room window holding two little girls. It had only been a split second, but it gave Addison hope. A family lived here: a mother, a father, and two daughters. Or at least that's what Addison wanted to think. Perhaps the people who lived here now had exactly the kind of life she had always dreamed of.
December, 1996
New York City, New York
"Auntie Addie, Uncle Derek, wake up!" The high-pitched voice of a little girl filled the room and Addison groaned slightly, burying her face into her husband's chest.
Suddenly the bed shifted as the Shepherds' five-year-old niece Amanda bounced onto the bed. It was only about a week before Christmas and just yesterday the little girl had finished her last day of school before the holiday break.
"Come on!" Amanda said cheerfully. "It's time ta get up!"
"Mmm Amanda…" Derek groaned. "What time is it?"
Addison didn't even bother opening her eyes to check.
"Umm…seven thirty!" Amanda smiled, wide awake as ever.
"Seven thirty," Addison repeated, unable to contain a smile. As early as it was, she loved her little niece, and she secretly didn't hate getting woken up by a small child crawling into her bed.
She and Derek had had the 'kids' talk on more than one occasion now, and every time they did it always came to the same conclusion; "it wasn't right," or "let's wait until we've established our careers." Addison would nod in agreement, wanting nothing but the best for her husband, but she hated thinking that having a child "wasn't right." She loved him, and he loved her. What more did they need for it to be "right?" And how long would be until the both of them had "established their careers?"
Having been married for over two years now, she dreamt about having a baby with Derek more often than she felt comfortable admitting to him. Some nights she even dreamt they had twins, two beautiful little girls, one with his dark hair and the other with her red. But then she'd wake up, yet again, to a childless house, with no little babies to hold, and with an aching heart.
"Okay, come here, Amanda," Addison yawned, sitting up in bed. Lying next to her, Derek was still trying to wake up, letting out a yawn himself. She reached over and rubbed his back.
Wordlessly, Amanda crawled into Addison's lap, resting her head on her chest. "What's got you so excited this morning, huh?" Addison asked, dropping a kiss on her niece's head.
"There's only two more days 'til Christmas!" Amanda exclaimed happily.
"Shh," Addison shushed her softly, gesturing to a still half-asleep Derek. "You know honey, if you go back to sleep for a couple more hours I promise you it'll still be two days before Christmas when you wake up."
"But I don't wanna go back to sleep because I'm not sleepy," Amanda giggled.
"Mmm how could you not be sleepy?" Derek muttered, turning to face us.
"Because you're 'post ta sleep when it's dark outside, and now it's light, so we hafta get up!"
Addison laughed. "Derek, I think we're about to lose this battle."
"And besides," Amanda continued. "It's snowing outside!"
This made Addison's heart speed up. She absolutely loved snow, and everything that had to do with the holiday season. Resting her chin against Amanda's head, she looked out the window; there were indeed big white flakes falling toward the ground.
"Well you know what that means, don't you?" Addison asked her niece as Derek sat up next to them, pulling them into his arms.
Amanda looked up at Addison and Derek hopefully.
"It means we'll just have to go out there and build a snowman," Addison said, resting her forehead against Amanda's.
Her niece giggled before jumping off of Addison's lap. "I'll go put my boots on!" she shouts, running down the hall.
Addison smiled, turning to look at her husband. "I suppose I should have specified what time we should go outside," she admitted.
"Hey, what's life if not to go out and build a snowman with your niece at seven thirty in the morning," Derek shrugged.
Addison leaned in to kiss him softly. "I suppose you're right, Dr. Shepherd," she said. "And if Nancy asks, we don't have to tell her exactly how early we let her child go run around in the snow…"
"Exactly," Derek nodded.
Pulling back slightly, Addison looked him in the eye. Suddenly, the urge to tell him she really did want to have a baby now threatened to overpower her. She had felt so complete just now, sitting there holding Amanda; she had never wanted the feeling to end.
And Derek was…Derek. Sure, he was driven at work, but he was also kind and understanding. If he didn't agree to trying for a baby now, Addison knew the least he would do was say they could revisit the conversation in a year or two, and that wasn't too far away.
But they had made an agreement. It wasn't right. Wait for the careers to take off. They needed more time as a couple. Those words kept repeating themselves in Addison's head, and she felt the fear start to bubble up in the pit of her stomach. She desperately wanted to say something to her husband, but she knew she couldn't.
"What is it, honey?" Derek asked, noticing her longing gaze.
"What?" Addison responded, snapping out of it. "Oh nothing, nothing. I'm fine. I just…love having Amanda here is all." She gave him her best smile.
"Yeah, she's pretty great isn't she?" Derek smiled, giving me a quick peck on the mouth before getting up and out of bed.
Addison turned her gaze away from her husband quickly, her eyes prickling. "Yeah, she is," she whispered.
Derek headed into their spacious walk-in closet, digging through a drawer before coming back out and tossing a pair of long underwear in Addison's direction. "So come on," he said in a cheerful voice. "We've got a five year old to entertain."
Standing up, Addison swallowed the large lump in her throat before tying her hair up into a bun and changing into warm clothes. Right now, she was happy but she wasn't. Everything was perfect but it wasn't.
She wanted a child, but she realized there was a good chance she wouldn't be getting one any time soon.
Addison quickly reached up, wiping a stray tear from her cheek as she stood in front of the old brownstone, remembering. She felt like an entirely different person now than she was when she had lived in this house with Derek almost 20 years ago.
Back then she had had different goals in life, or rather, she had shoved aside her real goal – to have a child – in order to make room for the ones other people wanted her to have.
The family crossed the window again, and this time Addison knew she wasn't imagining things. She felt a surge of anger wash through her; that should be her in that house, maybe not with Derek, but with the love of her life and her children. She deserved to have everything she ever wanted, and it had taken her a very long time to realize that.
Taking a deep breath, Addison turned and walked down the street, her heels clicking, creating a harmony with the multitude of city sounds. Raising her arm, she hailed another cab…that was two for two now.
The driver asked her where she'd like to go.
"East 91st Street," she said. "House of the Sisters of the Holy Cross."
Addison stared up at the old brick building before pushing the front door open slowly. She was running completely on adrenaline; her logical brain would most certainly never let her do something like this.
Her logical brain would tell her that there was no way her daughter would even be here anymore; the girl would be twenty nine years old by now, a real adult.
Her logical brain would tell her that there was no way anyone running this place would just let her see her daughter's file; it had been a closed adoption after all.
But if Addison had had her way, there would not have even been an adoption in the first place.
The inside of the building was cozy, yet looked just as old as the outside, with auburn colored walls and steam heaters decorating the corners of every room Addison could see into. Looking around, that chill she felt on the airplane went down her spine once more, as she took in the space where her daughter may have grown up. She memorized the smell – a mixture of lavender and vanilla – the way the foyer opened up to the conjoining rooms in the house, and the sounds – pitter patter of little feet upstairs (did any of them belong to someone who knew her daughter?) and finally, the way the door hinge squeaked when a middle-aged looking woman dressed in a long black habit pushed it open.
"Hello," the woman smiled warmly. "I'm Sister Eleanor. Can I help you with something? Are you here to visit one of the children?"
Addison looked down toward the floor, suddenly with no clue how to explain herself. She felt embarrassed; she was a smart woman, she knew what Sister Eleanor was going to say as soon as she mentioned the word "daughter" – most likely something along the lines of "sorry, I can't help you."
"I um," Addison started. "I'm not here to see a child…I'm here regarding my own child."
Sister Eleanor stood up straighter. "I see," she said, still with a soft tone to her voice. "And I'm sorry what was your name?"
"Addison…Dr. Addison Montgomery," she said, clasping her hands together in front of her.
"Well, Dr. Montgomery, I have some time. Why don't we step into my office for a moment?" The nun extended her arm, gesturing for Addison to head down the hall back toward the squeaky door.
"Thank you," she nodded, looking around some more as she walked. "Do you run this place?" Addison asked.
"I do," Sister Eleanor nodded. "Along with a handful of other Sisters."
"And…how long have you been here?" Addison's heart fluttered in her chest; maybe Sister Eleanor knew her daughter too, or at least knew of her daughter.
"Almost thirty years now," Sister Eleanor said. "I always knew, ever since I was young, that I wanted to work with children, to help children, especially those from the more disadvantaged communities who couldn't stand up for themselves. And then this opportunity seemed to just fall into my lap."
Addison gave a small smile, trying to ignore the feeling in the pit of her stomach, thinking about her daughter growing up having to fend for herself, having no one to stand up for her.
Sister Eleanor opened the door to her office, inviting Addison inside. Slowly, she sat down in the chair in front of a dark wooden desk. Looking around the room, Addison noticed a large file cabinet in the corner in the room, and it took everything she had to hold back her curiosity. Did that cabinet hold information for all the children here? For all the children who had been here?
"Alright, what can I help you with?" Sister Eleanor asked, sitting down at her own desk chair.
"I…" Addison began, but suddenly everything she had planned to say went out the window, and she blanked. "I'm sorry, I had this whole thing planned out; coming here, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say…"
"It's alright, take your time," the nun said. "I've dealt with a lot of people, working here, so I'm sure whatever you have to say is nothing I haven't already h-"
"I want to find my daughter," Addison blurted out. Immediately she wanted to slap herself.
Sister Eleanor sat up straighter, listening intently.
"She was born in February of 1983 in Hartford, Connecticut. I named her Alina. I know she would be a grown woman now, but…" The word 'woman' tasted like pennies in Addison's mouth. "I don't even know if she was brought here, I just…" She had to idea how to explain why she chose this orphanage, other than that some random doctor in LA told her that was where she had come from. "I just thought she might have been brought here."
Sister Eleanor took a deep breath. "My dear, you barely look old enough to have had a child that long ago…"
"I was sixteen," Addison admitted. "I was sixteen and it was…messy and the whole time I was pregnant I knew I wouldn't be able to keep her. And then my mother…I just, from the moment she was born I knew I wanted her, but I couldn't keep her. She…she was taken from me and I just…I wanna know she's okay." Addison felt a large lump form inside her throat, her eyes prickling.
The nun's expression went from surprised, to intense, to sympathetic.
"Well, I…" she started. "I wish there was something I could do to help you, Dr. Montgomery…"
"Call me Addison," Addison interrupted.
"Addison…but we have strict confidentiality rules here that I can't just disregard on a whim, especially when it comes to birth parents. Our first priority has to be the safety of the children."
Addison had a feeling this would happen; Alina did mention this place was pretty tight-lipped when it came to information about the kids.
"I know," Addison said quickly. "But I didn't want to give up my daughter in the first place."
"And I understand that, but unless you have a court order, I'm sorry there's nothing I can do. And this girl would be twenty-nine years old by now; you've waited twenty-nine years to look for a child that you claim to have wanted this entire time. I mean no disrespect but you have to understand that, from where I sit, that looks a little suspicious."
Addison sank back into her chair. Didn't this woman understand that she was already angry enough with herself for not going to look for little Alina as soon as she possibly could? Instead, she had chosen school – her fancy Ivy League education – and a husband – who hadn't even wanted children with her – over her own flesh and blood.
She had thought, upon meeting Derek, that he was her second chance. With him she'd be able to have the family she had always wanted. But they never did, and now she hated herself more than ever for it.
"I really do wish there was something I could do to help you, Addison, but my hands are tied," Sister Eleanor said, as kindly as possible.
Addison, refusing to break down in front of this woman no matter how badly she wanted to, blinked back her tears and sat up straight. "I understand," she said stoically. "I'm sorry to have wasted your time."
Standing up, Addison accepted the nun's condolences before walking briskly out the door, wanting nothing more than to break down and cry.
Shielding herself from the wind, Addison ran across the crosswalk, into the familiar grounds of Central Park. She had so many memories here, with Derek and their nieces and nephews, and a part of her had always dreamed of going running with her own daughter through the park. Such an everyday thing to do, but right now Addison would kill for it.
Noticing a solitary bench to the left of her path, Addison slipped off her heels and walked through the surprisingly dry grass. If New Yorkers were anything like she remembered, she would be able to have a full-on panic attack out here and no one would even notice.
And that was just what she did. Collapsing down onto the bench, Addison curled up into herself, tears streaming down her cheeks as she attempted to keep even breaths.
"I'm so sorry, baby girl," she sobbed. "I'm so sorry, Alina."
About an hour later, it was starting to get dark and Addison knew she'd have to leave the park and find a place to stay. She wasn't even crying anymore; now it was safe to say she was numb. She didn't feel anything.
Although there was another part of her that wished she had someone here to hold her. She knew right away if she told Sam about any of this he would think her insane; he already thought her insane for wanting to adopt a baby, let alone find her own. Derek didn't even know about Alina, and neither did Mark; not that she'd call either of them anyway.
That only left one person: Jake.
Right now she didn't care that the last time she had talked to him it had been about Sam. She didn't care that she had humiliated herself in front of him in Palm Springs. She didn't care that they had this awkward, complicated history.
And she knew that Jake wouldn't care either. She knew that if he were here, he would just pull her into his arms and let her cry, telling her everything was going to be okay even if he wasn't sure himself. He would tell her she wasn't finished, that she'd find another way to find her daughter, and that she wasn't crazy for wanting to find her in the first place. He would be understanding and kind; exactly what she needed right now.
Letting out a long sigh, Addison reached into her bag for her phone. She hated feeling this vulnerable, but for the first time in her life, the feeling of needing to hear a man's voice was greater than her fear of vulnerability.
But as she pulled out her phone, she noticed it was already lit up, silently alerting her that someone was already calling. It was an unknown number, from a New York area code. Did someone know she was here?
"Hello?" Addison said into the phone, trying to hide the fact that she'd been crying.
"Is this Addison Montgomery?" a voice she didn't know asked her.
"Yes, this is she," Addison replied. "Who is this?"
"My name's Sister Annabelle, from the Sisters of the Holy Cross. I couldn't help but overhear your visit with Sister Eleanor today, about your daughter…"
It took everything Addison had not to start crying again. "Yes I was me," she said.
"Well," the woman continued. "I've been at the orphanage for a long time, and-"
"How did you even get this number?" Addison asked quietly.
"Since you're so well known it didn't take me very long to find it," she said. "Anyway, I just wanted you to know…I think I remember your daughter. We did have a little girl named Alina come into the orphanage in 1983, and I remember hearing her mother had been young, and – pardon me for saying this – unfit to care for her. I got to hold her a few times…she had the most beautiful ocean eyes…"
"I'm sorry, why are you telling me this?" Addison interrupted her, caught between wanting to hear more about her baby and not at the same time; it was too painful.
There was a pause on the other end of the line.
"I'm calling because…I think I have some information that might help you find her."
Thanks again for reading! Reviews are always welcome :) P.S. For those of you who have read my earlier Addek fic "Finding Our Way" (aka. my pride and joy), I hope you noticed the little tidbits I threw in here, hinting at it. Honestly could not help myself. haha
