A/N: Hello my lovely readers! Finally got into a bit of a writing kick this summer. Hope you enjoy chapter 13!
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 13
I'm a worrier. I know you know that about me but most people don't. Professionally I am very confident but personally, I spend a lot of time worrying about what's happening in my life and what isn't happening, what could've happened but didn't.
Does it help?
I like to think it makes me more prepared. I don't ever want to be blindsided. And if I'm ready, well, it's good to be prepared, and I am very prepared.
April, 2012
Los Angeles, California
"You really don't have to do this, you know," Alina said for what felt like the five hundredth time, limping through Addison's front door with the support of a cane and Addison's left arm.
After two full weeks in the hospital, Alina was finally given the all-clear to go home. However, thanks to her newfound biological mother, 'home' now looked less like her Santa Monica bungalow and more like a Malibu beach house.
Addison gave her a look. "Honey, you just had brain surgery," she replied. "And abdominal surgery. Would you send a patient home to live by herself in that condition?"
Alina sighed, having been through this conversation nearly a dozen times now. Her best friend Tash and her father both had to go back to the east coast to keep up with work, but both would be back on a regular basis, staying at her house and checking in on her.
"No, I suppose not," she conceded.
"And for the five hundredth time, I know I don't have to," Addison continued. "I want to. Not to mention I promised your father I wouldn't let you out of my sight until you're back at work next month."
Alina paused, unable to hide a grateful smile from the woman who had proven to be more of a mother over the past month than her adoptive mother had over the last 29 years. Addison met her gaze, and although neither said anything, Alina had never felt so understood. After all, as Addison had pointed out, stubborn independence and never asking for help were well-known traits in the Montgomery family.
"I should have known you'd understand stubborn independence better than anyone," Alina said. She released Addison's arm, hobbling toward the living room. "Your house is gorgeous," she continued, gesturing toward the large windows overlooking the Pacific Ocean. "I don't think I could ever get over this view."
"It does have its perks," Addison replied, walking past Alina to set her bag on the kitchen counter.
The kitchen.
Alina looked to her left, and suddenly it was as if she had been hit by a freight train all over again. Her whole body tensed, and she inhaled sharply at the sudden burst of pain that may or may not have only existed inside her head. The last time she had been in a kitchen she barely made it out alive.
She wouldn't have, were it not for Addison.
Alina swallowed, knuckles turning white against the cane, willing her breaths to even out. Still, her heart began to pound.
"Alina?" Addison said her name, only a few feet away but Alina barely heard. She felt like she was underwater, drowning.
"What?" she breathed.
"Are you hungry or thirsty?" Addison asked, and by the sound of her voice Alina could tell she had needed to repeat herself.
"Um," she said, closing her eyes and shaking her head slightly. "No, thank you, I...I'm fine."
"Alina," Addison said her name again, gentler this time.
"I…" Alina said again, trying to say the words out loud again.
I'm fine.
She wasn't fine.
"Honey?" Addison's brow furrowed in concern as she walked toward her. She felt the older woman's soft hand against her shoulder. Her eyes welled up with tears before she could stop them, if only for hearing that endearment for the second time now.
"Kitchen," she managed, and that was all she needed to say before Addison's arms surrounded her, because Addison knew.
"You're safe right here," she whispered, running a hand up and down Alina's back.
Alina nodded, turning her face toward Addison's neck. She smelled as she always did; vanilla, lavender, and that one other thing she still couldn't quite place.
"The last time I was in a kitchen he…"
"I know," Addison said. "He's never going to hurt you again. Not here, not ever."
"I'm sorry," Alina began to cry.
Addison leaned back, placing both hands on Alina's cheeks.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," she told her.
Alina nodded.
"You hear me?" Addison forced her to meet her gaze, catching a tear with her thumb. "You have nothing to be sorry for. None of this is your fault, and you can stay here for as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere."
Alina fell into her embrace again, feeling safer there than she had in a long time.
"Okay," she exhaled, closing her eyes.
"Okay," Addison echoed, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Alina lost track of how long the two women stood in an embrace, but it was nowhere near the amount of lost time she wanted to make up for.
She may have hated the circumstances that brought them here, but Addison wouldn't trade this moment for anything; in sweatpants and a fuzzy cardigan, curled up on the living room sofa with a blanket in between Jake and Alina, watching The Holiday and eating ice cream straight from the carton. Such a normal evening family activity, stolen from both her and Alina 29 years ago.
"I don't care if it is April, this is one of the best movies out there, no question," Alina said, gesturing toward the screen with her spoon.
"And I still can't believe you've never seen it," Addison added, giving Jake a look. "It's been out since 2006."
He held up his hands in defense.
"Okay, first of all, I have been busy saving lives for the past six years."
"And we've been doing what? Hiking the Swiss Alps? Not an excuse," Addison shot back. Alina snickered.
"And second," he continued. "Believe it or not, chick flicks aren't exactly something I seek out."
Addison continued giving him the same look.
"...until now of course," he corrected, giving her a quick kiss on the lips.
"How can you even call this a chick flick?" Alina interjected. "It's all about adventure and spontaneity and opening yourself up to love! That applies to all genders. Plus it's Kate Winslet. Everyone loves Kate Winslet. And Christmas. If you're gonna be with Addison you're gonna have to get on board with the occasional April Christmas movie."
"Hey she said it," Addison shrugged, dipping her spoon back into the carton of rocky road. Deep down, she loved how easily Alina remembered her love of the December holiday.
"Okay, okay, I give," Jake laughed. "If it's for you two, bring on all the April Christmas movies."
Addison grinned, kissing him again.
"Good answer," she mumbled against his lips.
"Okay you two that wasn't an invitation for PDA." Alina rolled her eyes. "I may be a grown woman but I'm also recovering from surgery and need at least a five minute warning so I can get up and leave the room."
Addison chuckled and placed a hand on Alina's knee, opening her mouth to reply before being interrupted by the front door opening and closing. That could only mean one thing. Amelia was home.
"Anyone home?" came the familiar sound of Amelia's voice.
"In here!" Addison called.
"Come join us for rocky road and feel-good movies!" Alina said.
"Oh, it's a party," Amelia noted, entering the living room, her pregnant belly poking out through her sweater ever so slightly. Based on her face alone Addison could tell she had something she needed to get off her chest.
"Is that okay?" Alina asked, concerned. "We can turn it off if you need some quiet."
"No, no!" Amelia replied with a wave of her hand. "Actually, I'd be happy to join, I just...Addie can I talk to you about something upstairs for a minute?"
Addison hesitated, glancing over at her daughter; her daughter whom she hadn't let out of her sight all afternoon.
"Go, go!" Alina said. "Dr. No-Chick-Flicks and I will be just fine." Jake laughed from her other side.
Addison got up just as Kate Winslet's character had her first meet cute with Jack Black.
"Ugh I just wanna be her character from this movie when I grow up," Addison heard Alina say as she followed Amelia up the stairs.
"Everything alright?" she asked her former sister-in-law as they—somewhat surprisingly—landed in Addison's still-empty office-turned-nursery-that-still-had-yet-to-be-a-nursery.
Amelia turned around to face her. "What is this? What happened to your office?" she asked.
Addison sighed, knowing this was coming from the moment she learned Amelia was pregnant and she decided to empty out the room. Even she couldn't deny she still wanted a baby, but every attempt she made had failed, and now Amelia was expecting and Addison had Alina. And so far, caring for Alina had proven to be exactly what she needed.
"I got rid of everything," she replied. "So you could fill it up. I figured we could put the crib right over there, the changing table right under the window so you get plenty of fresh air, and these…" she gestured toward the lone box in the center of the room. "These are all of my baby books. Everything from what to name your baby to oh! What weird food object your baby is the same size as each week. Some of them...some of them are highlighted. Actually, all of them are highlighted. A lot of people don't like that."
Only when she paused did she realize how quickly she'd been talking. How much she still wished this nursery could be hers, no matter how much she'd come to love her new niece or nephew.
Amelia just stared at her.
"But this is supposed to be your nursery."
"Doesn't matter," Addison answered quickly, if only to silence the nagging voice in her head that argued otherwise. "I…don't think I am ever gonna have a baby. But, the universe works in amazing ways now I have Alina back and you…are pregnant."
"I'm sorry, all of this is wonderful Addie and I'm so happy you and Alina found each other, I just...I don't even know what I'm...this is too fast. And I'm not ready."
"Amelia…" Addison tried, stepping toward her.
"No," Amelia stopped her. "I'm sorry, I'll be back in a bit I just...I need to think for a bit."
Before Addison could get another word in edgewise Amelia turned on her heel, leaving Addison alone to flinch at the front door shutting once more.
Addison exhaled, trudging slowly down the steps. In a way, she understood how Amelia was feeling; unexpectedly pregnant, the father not around to be a father, not knowing what to do. Still, as much as she still wanted a baby of her own, she wanted to make this process as easy as possible for her former sister-in-law. After everything Amelia had been through with Ryan and then the relapse and rehab, she deserved to have one thing in her life be easy.
Stopping in the kitchen to heat up a mug of chamomile tea (her favorite), the corners of Addison's lips curved into a small smile as she noticed her daughter and...boyfriend? Man-friend? Lover?—What the hell do I call him? she thought to herself—still engrossed in the movie. Occasionally Jake would ask a question that, to Alina, the answer should have been obvious, and the younger woman would roll her eyes and exclaim "come on! It's a movie!"
A warm feeling spread through Addison's core at the sight of them.
Her family.
"Everything okay over there?" Alina called out.
Addison blinked herself back into reality.
"Yeah!" she replied, pouring hot water into a mug from the electric pitcher. "Yeah, I'm just uh...getting some tea. Want anything?"
"Chamomile, please!" Alina responded.
Addison snuggled back between Alina and Jake, carrying two mugs.
"Ah thank you, my favorite," Alina said, taking a sip.
Addison's heart skipped a beat; another thing she and her daughter had in common. She let out another deep breath, relaxing against Jake's chest.
"Everything okay with you and Amelia?" he asked softly, rubbing her arm.
"Yeah, it'll be fine," she breathed. "It was just, um...nursery stuff. She still thinks the room should be mine."
"What do you mean, 'should be yours?'" Alina asked.
"I…have decided I'm not gonna have a baby," Addison admitted slowly. "And some people," she looked over at Jake, "including Amelia, don't think I should give it up yet."
"Wait, why am I just now hearing of this?" Alina replied, sitting up straighter.
"For the record, I am fully on team Don't Give Up Yet," Jake added, prompting another look from Addison. He more so than anyone should know how exhausting this process had been for her.
"I'm just saying," he continued. "Having a baby was a big dream you had, and it doesn't go away just because…" He paused.
"Just because we found each other," Alina finished.
Addison felt the lump form in her throat. No matter how much she didn't want to admit it, her daughter was right. There would always be a part of her that felt guilty for getting pregnant, or wanting to be pregnant, or wanting to adopt because she let her only living child go all those years ago.
"Look," Alina said quietly, linking her fingers with Addison's. "I know I've said this before, but you did not fail me, Addison. And you shouldn't let what happened between us decades ago get in the way of your dream. I know I've said it before but, I think you'd make an exceptionally good mother. I know I...I could do a lot worse."
Addison gave her daughter's hand a grateful squeeze, blinking back tears. She had said, after discovering Alina's identity and Alina's almost-immediate acceptance of her, that anything was possible.
That she loved Jake.
That she could have a baby.
Still, how many more times could she handle getting hurt? She had Alina, she had Jake. For once, the universe had been on her side. Why keep pushing for more?
"Thank you," she whispered.
For the next couple of hours the three of them sat snuggled together in silence, save for the occasional burst of laughter at the movie. Alina's head eventually made its way onto Addison's shoulder as she drifted in and out of sleep, and more than once Addison caught herself subtly leaning over to smell her daughter's hair.
Her heart ached at how often she yearned for moments like these in the years following Alina's birth. To smell that sweet baby smell. To hold her own child.
Simple moments that had been stolen from the both of them.
The sound of the end credits prompted Alina's eyes open.
"How much of that did I sleep through?" she yawned.
"Not much," Addison fibbed, the mother in her wanting Alina to get as much rest as possible.
"Let's just say it was enough for me to have earned picking rights on the next movie," Jake grinned. Addison nudged him playfully.
"Ha, in your dreams," Alina muttered. "We still have about five more Nancy Meyers comedies to get through."
Addison chuckled, carefully helping her daughter to sit up.
"I think I'm going to head to bed," Alina announced tiredly. "Headache's kicking in."
"Okay, sweetheart," Addison replied, running a hand over her hair. "Do you want me to get your medication ready?"
"That...would be lovely, actually," Alina said. "Thank you."
Slowly, Jake and Addison helped her up from the sofa, and Addison watched as Alina began to make her way toward the downstairs bedroom, cane thumping lightly against the hardwood floor. This girl who, three months ago, was a complete stranger, but whom the thought of living without made Addison's heart stop.
It wasn't until Alina rounded the corner that Addison realized she had zoned out; the feeling of Jake linking his fingers with hers snapped her out of it. He pressed a gentle kiss to her temple.
"You really love that girl."
It wasn't a question.
Addison smiled softly, leaning back against his chest.
"With everything I have."
Alina felt the medication working its way through her body as soon as her head hit the pillow.
"You doing okay?" Addison asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. "You need anything else? An extra pillow, maybe, or some-"
"Addison." Alina grabbed her hand, stopping her. Her eyes were growing heavy, and fast.
"Yeah?" Addison asked softly.
"I'm okay. And I um…" Alina managed, forcing herself to keep her eyes open. "I just want you to know that I...I couldn't have made through the last few weeks without you and I...I'm really glad you're here."
Addison smiled down at her, and Alina swore she could feel the warmth radiating through her entire body. It was a look she had craved her entire life; the loving gaze of a mother.
"There's nowhere else I'd rather be," Addison whispered.
And the last thing Alina remembered was the feeling of soft lips lingering against her forehead.
May, 2012
Los Angeles, California
As the weeks passed, Addison felt the days start to blend together. It wasn't until Alina looked up from her book on the back deck chair and said please, for the sake of your sanity and mine go deliver a baby already that she realized she had become a bit of a zombie.
"Are you sure?" she had asked, only to be met with a wave of the hand.
"Yes," Alina exhaled. "I have everything I need. I can get myself to the kitchen and the bathroom. It's been almost three weeks. You have more than made up for our 29 years of separation. Now at least one of us should get to go be a doctor and seeing as I am still on couch-rest…"
"Okay, okay fine," Addison caved, dropping a kiss on her daughter's forehead. "You win. I will go make sure the neonatal wing hasn't burned down yet."
And so here she was, knelt between the legs of a screaming patient nearly finished with a stubborn 24-hour labor.
"You're doing great, just hang in there a little bit longer," Addison soothed.
"Hey, you paged me?" came the voice of a now-eight-months-pregnant Amelia from the doorway.
"Yeah I thought you should see this," Addison replied casually.
"What's happening?"
"Oh just your garden variety miracle. Okay, honey on the count of three I'm gonna need you to push."
Amelia took the woman's hand as she began to push.
"It's okay, you can do this. I'm here for moral support."
"Good, good. You baby's almost here."
Addison couldn't help but smile as the little boy slipped right into her hands. As desperate as she had been for a baby of her own, it never took away from the joy of seeing another woman become a mother. Or watching as those brand new eyes open for the first time.
In the beginning, she had craved those moments so much, because it was as if she could relive her own daughter's birth over and over again. Squeeze a lifetime into those few moments they had been given together.
"Here he is," Addison grinned, passing the baby up to his mother.
"He's perfect," she cried, breathing heavily.
That he is, Addison thought.
"Can you believe I got to do this seven times today?" she said to Amelia.
Her former sister-in-law swallowed, staring down at the newborn.
"He's beautiful," she breathed.
Addison smiled, a genuine smile.
"And your baby will be too."
I can't believe I've delivered seven babies today, Addison thought to herself, yawning as she exited the room of a patient who had given birth this morning. She knew Alina had been right; she needed to get back in the game, be a doctor, do surgery. It was who she was. Still, she was exhausted, and all she wanted to do was go home to her daughter.
Her daughter. She didn't think she'd ever get used to the sound of those words.
Addison yawned again, making a beeline for the nurse's station with the good coffee.
"Hey stranger!"
She jumped at the sound of Violet Turner's voice behind her.
"Hi!" Addison greeted her best friend a bit over-enthusiastically.
"Haven't seen you around here in a while," Violet said, pouring herself a cup of hot water for tea. "We've missed you."
"I know, it's...it's good to be back," Addison smiled, nursing a cup of black coffee and leaning back against the counter.
"How's Alina doing?" Violet asked.
"Oh you know, she's hanging in there. Sleeping a lot. Recovering nicely. Going a little stir crazy, but...recovering nicely."
"And the nightmares?"
Addison swallowed, feeling a pang in her chest at the thought of her daughter's many panic attacks. She had lost count of the number of times she'd had to run downstairs, awakened by the sound of Alina screaming in the middle of the night. Eventually she'd just taken to sleeping on the living room sofa.
She closed her eyes, answering Violet's question with a single shake of her head.
"You want me to pop over tomorrow and see her again? I'd be happy to."
"I'll ask," Addison sighed. "If there's one thing I've learned about my daughter it's that she does not like asking for help herself."
Violet smirked. "Now I wonder where she gets that from?"
Addison chuckled, nudging her friend's shoulder.
"So what has you here so late tonight, another session with the crazy cat lady?"
"Um, no actually," Violet replied. "Combative schizophrenic. Apparently I look like his mother and uh, he hates his mother. Took two nurses and a security guard to hold him while I pushed the haloperidol."
"Jesus," Addison said, rubbing her temple.
"But uh, Pete and I ran into each other last night."
"Okay." Addison looked up. "And?"
"Mhmm." Violet sipped her tea. "I think he wanted to kiss me."
This caught Addison's attention.
"Seriously? Did you let him!?"
"No!"
"Violet…"
"Oh I wanted to, believe me…"
"But?"
"It just...seemed a little easy, after everything we've been through. You know it's weird," Violet continued. "For so long even the sight of him would make just...ugh. Angry. Like heaven forbid I try to take care of my husband after he has a heart attack, and instead it just makes him hate me. But once we got past all that...easy."
"Mmm, I remember that," Addison said. "Every time Sam and I'd have a fight he'd show up later all sexy, smelling like cookies. As if that was somehow supposed to make up for everything."
"What would you do?" Violet asked.
"I fell for it," Addison admitted. "About seventy-five percent of the time. Towards the end though it just got to be…" she paused. "I guess I just realized I deserved better. And then Jake came along."
"Maybe I'm overthinking this," Violet said.
"Mmm, I don't know," Addison sighed. "Didn't work for Sam and me. Turns out some problems are even too big for mind-blowing sex to solve. Who'd have thought there's way more to a relationship than that?"
Violet grinned, rolling her eyes.
"Maybe we should put 'Psychiatrist' at the end of your name."
By the end of the day, Jake was more exhausted than he had been in a very long time. He exhaled, collapsing into a chair in the corner of an abandoned waiting room and letting his head rest in his hands. He wanted nothing more than to find Addison, fall into her arms, and hear her tell him everything was going to be okay. That he wasn't a terrible doctor. A terrible human being.
So many signs, and yet he noticed none of them.
As a doctor, his job was to give women babies who wanted them. Not judge their circumstances or style of parenting.
But what about when one of his pregnant patients kills her two older children and ends up sentenced to life in prison? What about when she gives birth? What happens then?
According to one Dr. Sheldon Wallace, she had one of the most severe cases of postpartum depression he had ever seen, and Jake had given her a third baby anyway. And now that baby was going to grow up without a mother. He knew. He had been there for the birth tonight; watched as the mother, Elise, turned away from the baby as soon as she had come out.
Jake closed his eyes, blocking out the world as best he could until the sound of footsteps forced him back into reality. Footsteps he would recognize anywhere.
He looked up. Of course it was her. She'd had a habit of that, even before they became a couple. Somehow, whenever he needed her, there she was.
"Jake?" Addison stopped in her tracks, noticing him in the corner, and he felt a twinge in his chest at the sight of her forehead creasing with worry. "Is everything okay?"
She sat beside him, taking his hand before he could so much as stand up. Jake's tired eyes took in the sight of her; even in her navy blue scrubs, with her hair tied back, she looked beautiful.
"Yeah, yeah," he managed. "I just...something with a patient. I just needed a minute. Are you heading out for the night?"
Jake tried to brush it aside. As much as he loved this woman and craved her warmth and comfort, he couldn't bear the thought of adding more stress to her life than she already had. Losing out on more than one baby. Becoming a primary caregiver to an adult daughter she just met. Jake considered it his job to be her support system, not the other way around.
"Wait a minute," Addison soothed. "Honey, it's me. You can talk to me."
Jake leaned forward, resting his chin in his hands as she scooted closer, placing a hand on his back.
"A former patient of mine, she um...let's just say it was a bad case of postpartum depression that I should have noticed. Mother of two young kids, and she and her husband came to me to help conceive a third. And it worked but then...six months in and she kills both the older kids. Just...kills them. And now she's sentenced to life in prison and her husband can't even look at her."
He heard Addison inhale a deep breath as she ran her hand up and down his back.
"And of course, because apparently our practice has treated every patient in the greater Los Angeles area, she'd also been seeing Sheldon, and he's furious with me about it.
She gave birth tonight, to a little girl. Couldn't even bring herself to look at her, let alone hold her. And now it's just one more kid who has to grow up without a mother, and it's all my fault."
His voice broke as he finally said the words out loud. The exact thing he was feeling.
"Whoa," Addison said, softly yet forcefully. He looked up at her. "How could it possibly have been your fault? Postpartum depression can show itself in so many ways, Jake. You're not a mind-reader. And it's like you've said. You help women become parents; you don't judge how they parent."
Jake sighed, feeling so understood by this woman and yet so guilty. He knew she'd want to make him feel better if he told her the truth, but the last thing he wanted was to be a burden.
"Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but…"
"But nothing," Addison cut him off. "You are a brilliant doctor. Actually, you are amazing. You do everything in your power to give your patients what they want. You're an intuitive, supportive, baby-giving miracle worker. And you have made me happier this past month than I have been in, well, a really long time."
She looked at him with so much warmth he couldn't help but pull her even closer.
"You're a good doctor, and a good man," she whispered as he placed a hand against her cheek.
Jake gave into the inevitable, and kissed her.
"How is it you always know exactly what to say, exactly when to say it?" he smiled against her lips.
"See, that's kind of what I thought your role was in this relationship," Addison chuckled, pressing her forehead against his.
Jake smiled again, feeling her hand running through his hair.
"What do you say we head home soon, huh? It's past nine which means there's a ninety-nine percent chance Alina's already asleep, which also means a one-hundred percent chance of you not being forced into watching a chick flick tonight, which also means the chances of you getting lucky tonight are...well, you do the math."
He laughed, a genuine laugh, before pulling Addison into an embrace.
"Oh Addison, I love you," he muttered against her hair.
"I love you too," she replied. But he stopped her before she could get up. "What is it?" she asked.
He pulled back. "There's one more thing I want to say first."
Jake had spent probably a grand total of thirty seconds preparing what he was about to say next. All he knew was that here was this perfect woman, and he wanted her, all of her, forever.
"I've been thinking about this for a while, but especially after our conversation with Alina on her first night at the house. About how you said you've decided not to have a baby."
Addison inhaled again as if to reply, and Jake stopped her.
"Now I'm not...I'm not here as your doctor trying to pressure you into changing your mind, but...Addison I love you, more than I have ever loved anyone in a long time. I look at you and I feel like I'm home. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Raise a family with you. Grow old with you."
He watched as her eyes flooded with tears.
"Jake…"
"What I realized after that conversation was not that I didn't want you to give up because I was your doctor, but as your partner...I want you to know that if you're giving up because you feel alone in this, or you're not sure if I'd be around in a year or two...I am all in. I would have a baby with you, in a test tube or...however. Or we could adopt. Or not. But I'm here. So long as I have you, I'm happy."
A couple tears fell down Addison's cheeks as she touched his face. And as he looked into her eyes, he knew.
"And I know we're sitting here in this empty waiting room and you're in your scrubs and my patient is spending the rest of her life in prison and everything seems so much more complicated than it's meant to be, but…
Addison Forbes Montgomery, will you marry me?"
Thank you for reading! Reviews would be lovely.
