A/N Still don't own anything, I just write for the pleasure of it. I would like to especially thank EroSlackerMicha and LoErneBraska for their reviews. Also thank you to the rest of my readers.
Phlox had been surprised by his returning home. He had planned on four months, thinking it would still be difficult to leave even then. But, after two months, he was wondering whether he could get away with telling everyone he need to get back to Enterprise. It wasn't that he hadn't enjoyed his time there. It had been wonderful to see his wives and children again. And he certainly enjoyed the sex with his wives. But he discovered he had changed. Denobula had always been a crowded planet and with three families, one had little time to themselves. He had once embraced it but now missed the quiet times he had on Enterprise. The real truth though was that he missed everyone. He now realized how much he had come to enjoy spending time with them. He had a new family, a new set of friends. The fact that his children were on their own now, with their own families made it easier to leave.
But in the end, he stayed the four months. After all, these were his families and he owed that to them. When it came time to go, and he said his goodbyes, he felt a little guilty; but could not wait to get back to Earth and Enterprise.
Travis and Hoshi were getting closer. They had not slept together yet but knew it was just a matter of time. Each knew this was special and wanted to be sure they were both ready and have it mean something very special to them. After everyone left for Andoria, they spent a lot of time with Trip and Natalie, who were thrilled with what was happening with their friends.
It had taken nearly six months for T'Pol to believe she had sufficiently cleared her mind and purged her body to the point she was ready for the ritual. She sat in a Yoga position in the center of the living room and dropped two canisters of an incense type material in some water. The resulting haze carried her mind away from her physical surroundings and she found herself in a large, empty room, similar to her escape during meditation.
Suddenly a figure materialized out of the mist as it faded away. It appeared to be a Vulcan woman, of indeterminate age dressed in fine Vulcan materials.
"Who are you?" T'Pol asked.
"I am you, I am your mind. The powder you used releases all restraints on your mind, freeing both your conscious and unconscious thoughts. Think of me as a facilitator, a medium for you to look deep within yourself, to find the answers you seek."
"Now, tell me, why have you inaugurated the ritual, what are the answers you seek?"
"I have become what I believe is too emotional for a Vulcan, but yet I am not sure I wish to be free of them."
"The answer to the future lies in the past."
A scene appeared before T'Pol, she recognized it as a moment from her childhood, when she was twelve years old. She was playing with her pet Selhat and petting it.
Suddenly, her Mother came looking for her and when she saw what she was doing, said, "T'Pol what is going on? You know that the only reason Vulcan children have pets is to teach them responsibility. Your Father would not be happy if he had discovered you. Have you finished your lessons and meditation?"
"Yes, Mother, I see no reason why I cannot relax after finishing. And what is wrong with having a little fun?"
T'Pol could see her mother becoming more upset. "Fun? You are past the age when you can be excused from occasionally embracing your emotions. Just be glad it was me that found you instead of your Father. Now go back to your room and think about what you are doing. You apparently need more meditation."
The scene changed and T'Pol found herself seeing herself when she had turned thirty and was finishing up her education and preparing to select a future career.
She had been looking through some old books at a book store and had found a book of poems dating back before the time of Surak. She was enthralled with the emphasis on war and lust that was found in them. She did not hear her Father until he was upon her. Seeing what she was reading, he tore it from her hands.
"Is this how you waste your time? You are much too old for such failings, T'Pol. It is apparent you need more discipline in your life. I see now that I have made the right decision. I have informed the Ministry of Defense that you will be joining them as a new operative. Their military discipline is just what you need."
T'Pol was shocked, she had prepared herself to join the Vulcan Science Directorate. Only recently she had received notice she was accepted. Without thinking she angrily confronted her Father. "You know I have been accepted by the Directorate. You know it has long been my goal. You will not take it away from me."
Not for the first time, she saw her Father struggling to control his emotions. "How dare you speak to me that way. You know your mother and I only want the best for you. We both agree that this is what you need. The Science Directorate is not for you. You need something to strengthen your mind, to get you to concentrate, to put these wild thoughts behind you. You also know that the Directorate will never allow you to join them without my consent. It is settled, you will join the Ministry."
As the scene faded, T'Pol wondered for a moment if her life would have been different if her father had lived. He was killed in an accident only a few months after she joined the Ministry. After the incident with Menos, she had returned to her original plan to join the Science Directorate.
She realized the woman was speaking to her. "Why did you allow Enterprise to continue its mission after Captain Archer was injured on Rigel? It was what you and Soval had desired, to show the Humans they were not ready."
T'Pol thought back, at the experience of being touched by Tucker, which she accepted only because it was necessary to apply the ointment. But she had been intrigued by his words, his impassioned defense of the Captain, of him telling her he should have the right to finish his mission. After all, duty and drive to do the job were part of Vulcan discipline.
She also had to admit she had been affected by the Captain saving her life. She knew he thought little of Vulcans but he had not hesitated.
She knew she did not need to answer the woman, she was just there to have her think about steps she had taken.
The woman continued, "Why did you agree to stay on Enterprise after the Klingon was returned home."
That one was more difficult. In fact, she had become intrigued with the crew and especially with Captain Archer. They had managed to overcome almost impossible odds to finish the mission. She found she was challenged both by the work and by living with the Humans. She found it much more invigorating than anything she had done before. She had no wish to return to her post on Earth and pursue diplomatic functions. As she thought about it now, she realized she was already acting on emotion.
"Why did you postpone your wedding to Koss, knowing you were probably ending it for good?"
That one was easier, it was basically the same as the one before, the challenges Enterprise presented to her abilities as Science Officer. She was also not ready to become a wife and mother. Looking back at it now, she realized how much she had changed so quickly, or did the situation just bring out the emotions her parents had lamented. She knew that Vulcans feared interaction with other races because of exposure to constant emotion could weaken their defenses. She remembered how Phlox had told her other Vulcans had failed in her situation, and that perhaps she was uniquely fitted for such a mission.
"Why did you go with Enterprise into the Expanse?"
That one was a no brainer. She had come to realize that she was needed by the crew. That she was an important part of it. She also had come to the point she could acknowledge that she wished to be with them as well. That they were her friends.
Suddenly, it all seemed so clear. Why had she feared what was happening to her? Was it because of the Trellium? Because of what happened with Trip? She realized they were happenings she wished she could have avoided, but they were not the heart of the matter or a reason for her to doubt herself. She belonged on Enterprise. It was the life she had chosen, a life that had meaning and importance. She was a part of it and it was were she wanted, needed to be.
She also realized it was especially important now. There was a definite feeling that dangerous times were coming and she was needed on Enterprise.
As she came to that realization, she knew she had one more question. She was reluctant to ask it, because of the possible ramifications of the answer, but also knew she needed to know.
"Do I love Johnathon Archer?"
A scene unfolded before her eyes. She recognized it as a meeting she had attended with Ambassador Soval shortly after she had arrived on Earth. When she had first reported to Soval, he had informed her that the most important item they were currently involved with was the Warp 5 project. Starfleet was about to launch its first Warp 5 ship. All efforts the Vulcans had made to delay it, believing the Humans were not ready for the responsibilities involved, had ran out. Their main concern now was who would command the new ship. They were hoping to get Captain Gardner to be chosen, but in any case, they were against giving the command to Captain Archer. They felt he was too impulsive and emotional to be a good commander. There was also the fact he was anti-Vulcan because he believed the Vulcans had stalled the project so that his father did not see the results of his work.
After further discussions with Soval, she agreed that Captain Archer was not the man for the job. But at this meeting she had her first sight of him. His attitude toward her showed her that Soval was right, but she also found herself being impressed by how he seemed to dominate the room, even though it was filled with Admirals. She also noticed that Admiral Forrest seemed to have a close relationship with him.
The next scene that was presented was of course well known to her. It was when he gave her a hollow threat to 'knock her on her ass.' Even with that though, she had again been impressed how he took over the situation again even with all the Admirals present. She got the impression Admiral Forrest had expected him to do so and had been waiting for his appearance. She could not help but be amazed how he managed to get everyone to agree that he should return the Klingon to his home planet.
The woman than spoke, "When did you first feel there could be something between you."
Although her respect for him had grown, the first real realization of how much he had come to appreciate her came when they were tied together after being shot down and captured at Coridan.
As they struggled to get free, he had said that the Vulcans had taken something important from his father and he was not going to allow them to do it to him. He then had worked out a deal with the Vulcan Captain to keep her on Enterprise. She had also had come to accept and even welcome his often touching her.
Then there was the time when Porthos was sick. She was more amused than offended by his obvious slips of the tongue, but when he apologized for it, she was stunned to realize she was attracted to him as well.
The next scene was one that had shocked her at the time, and made her realize how much he meant to her. When he was leaving for the weapon at Azati Prime, she had shouted out that she did not want him to die.
Then, when she thought he was dead after the weapon was destroyed, she was crushed. She found a book that he gave her and clutched it as if it could somehow keep a connection to him. And when he arrived at the bridge after they found he was alive, she envied the easy and natural way Hoshi hugged him. When he stood before her, it took all her control not to do the same, to clutch him to herself.
There were many more instances, like when he was hurt when T'Pau tried to take Surak from him. Her concern for him as they attempted to return the Kir Shara to the capitol. It was of course also impressive to her that Surak had entrusted him with that task.
Jonathon Archer was bigger than life. He had become the most important person in her life. She could not imagine a life without him. But more that that, he was her closest friend, the person she trusted with everything including her life. She also knew he was attractive to her.
Again, things became clear, she had not needed to ask, she knew the truth, she loved him. She was just afraid of the ramifications of that fact.
At that moment, the woman dematerialized and she found herself seated back on the floor, experiencing some needs that needed to be relieved. After she had solved the most pressing one, she went to her refrigerator and took out some vegetables and water. Now having solved those problems, she reflected on what had happened. She suddenly had a sobering thought. Although she knew that she loved him, she could not tell him. Whatever he felt, the results could be harmful.
If he didn't reciprocate her feelings, it could cause harm to their friendship and/or their working relationship. She could not risk either. Above all, she valued that friendship and her place on Enterprise. Then there was the fact that Jonathon Archer was vital to the attempt to form an alliance and if Daniels were to be believed, to the future. She felt she was a vital part of that future and could do nothing to jeopardize it.
Then, if he did love her also, which she was afraid to hope for, it would also change their relationship. He would most likely want to marry her and the ramifications of that could be detrimental to the hopes for an alliance. Also, how would Starfleet and Vulcan react?
No, she needed to keep her feelings to herself and be satisfied with their friendship and working together on Enterprise. Not that it was all bad, those things were of vital importance to her. And who knew what the future held, there could come a time she would feel free to express what she felt.
Now, she needed to contact Soval, to see what had been happening, to arrange to return to Earth, to Enterprise. She hoped that time had not passed her by, and events had moved away from her.
As she went to her communicator, she was surprised to see she had a message from Soval. Opening it she was astounded to see that he was asking her if she would be able to meet with Captain Archer while he was on Vulcan. It appeared he would be arriving in two days. She of course immediately answered she would be willing to do so.
Archer stepped from the Shuttle onto Vulcan, again amazed by the intense heat. He then saw that Soval was waiting for him. Hoping against hope that Soval had good news for him, he crossed the Tarmac to greet him.
