Trigger Warning: Mentions of Depression/Depressing thoughts, Self-harm, and thoughts of Suicide are in this chapter. Stay safe and have a good rest of the day.
"Damn it…!" I growled as I kicked the door. "Still refuse to open, huh? Damn freaking door…" I was in the library and had opened up the hidden bookshelf to see if the card key would open the door to the hidden room, but alas, it wasn't for that. Of course. Monokuma won't be letting us inside what was Tsumugi's base of operations any time soon. So with that off the list of possible areas this card key can be used, that leaves just one last place. "The underground tunnel it is." I sighed as I ran a hand through my hair. So this card key is the key to the exit? That seems…too good to be true, especially with the label of 'motive' on the damn card.
But, of course, that isn't going to stop me. When has obvious signs of danger ever stopped me, in life and in this killing game? When have warnings from other people deterred me from the path I think is right? Never. I have never let other people's fears determine whether or not I do what's right. No matter what others may think or believe, if I believe something is right, I'll do it. I felt a chuckle rise up from my chest as I thought of that. Funny… Was I always like this? So…confident that I'm right? So… self-righteous? Is that the right word? It's just…I don't think I was like this at the start of this game. Have I changed from back then? I don't feel different, but I think perhaps I'm acting differently. I suppose that's to be expected after spending time in a death game.
Still, I can't start doubting myself now. Even if I've changed, that doesn't change the circumstances or what I have to do. I have to do this. If I hesitate, people will die. I already swore I would do all that I'm able to protect everyone. Even if I've already failed in that regard, I won't stop. I won't ever stop. What I'm doing is the right choice. This is the right path. I know it is. So I kept my head up high as I made my way to my dorm room. Once there, I opened my drawer and took out the Electrohammer I had. Time to get to work. I shoved it into my pocket and hurried over to the boiler room. Once I entered the boiler room, I climbed down the ladder until I was back at the entrance of the tunnel. I stared at the entrance for a while as I thought about what was awaiting me on the other side. I took the Electrohammer out and extended it before examining it. Fully charged. Good thing I remembered to charge it.
I was about to head inside the tunnel, but that's when a familiar, childish voice called out to me. "Hey, Rinny! What're ya doing here?" I held back a sigh as I turned to see Kokichi coming down the ladder. The moment he got off the ladder, he looked at me and gave me his usual cheeky smile. I couldn't help but think that he must know he's being annoying right now.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, my voice a little strained as I held back an annoyed groan.
"I figured you might need help, sooooo…" Kokichi then took out his Electrohammer and swirled it around playfully as he gave me a smirk. "I came to help my loyal goon. Be grateful and praise your supreme leader."
"Yeah no." I replied as I gave Kokichi a glare. "Go back, Kokichi. I can do this myself."
"I don't know about that, Rinny. You can be pretty reckless with this kind of stuff. It's best if someone is with you, and who's better than me?" Kokichi asked with a sly grin. "Besides, you stole that card key from me. I think I should be allowed to see this 'motive' as well."
"And why should I let you do that?" I asked him.
"Why shouldn't you?" Kokichi responded with a question.
"You…" I began to growl before I held it in. I took a deep breath to collect myself before answering. "How do I know you won't be affected by the motive like others have been?"
"Is that all? Must be nice to be on that high horse of yours. You don't have any way to show me that you won't be affected as well." Kokichi shot back.
"I won't. No matter what I see, I won't kill anyone. I would never do that." I told him. "I don't have any reason to get out through Monokuma's rules."
"You can't be sure about that. I bet the other culprits thought the same thing before they got their motive and killed." Kokichi egged me on, but I remained calm and collected.
"I'm different. I have no desire to leave this place at the cost of other's lives. There is nothing for me outside this place."
"Why do you keep saying that? You've repeated that since Kiyo's case. Did something happen?"
"Why do you even care?" I asked him.
"I don't. I'm just curious, that's all." He responded. "You're a very strange person. You're very interesting. Definitely not boring. So I want to know for the sake of knowing. It's the same reason I want to see the motive. Knowing anything is an advantage in this game, so I want to know all I can. Same as you, right?"
"...Yes." I nodded. "That's why I want to see what this card key has to show us."
"See? We're not so different." Kokichi told me.
"We're very different." I argued back before sighing. "But I suppose having some help would be nice."
"Yay! Rinny has let me into his party!" Kokichi cheered before humming a very familiar victory fanfare.
"You keep treating this like a game. Why is that?"
"Isn't it a game? The way Monokuma plays the role of villain, and people like you, Shumai, and the others play the part of hero. It's a very interesting and fun game we're in."
"Even though people are dying?"
"What game without any risks or challenges is fun?" Kokichi asked. "This game of deceit and lies and betrayal is the heart racing experience I've been waiting for!"
"...What would that group of yours think if they heard you right now? What would DICE do?" I asked him, finally voicing the question that's been on my mind for a while now. Kokichi gave a small, but still visible flinch at the question. His smile and cheeky and childish expression never changed, but I noticed the small fidgets that occurred. His hand twitched. The edges of his smile began slightly more crooked. They were small, so small no one would notice. But even on the off chance that someone like me saw them, it hardly made it easier to see through the person that was Kokichi. His ironclad mask of emotions and lies was still holding strong. Was there even a mask? Am I just trying to see something that isn't there? Kokichi could be lying about how he feels about this killing game, but maybe he simply wasn't. He might be a liar, but that doesn't mean that everything he says is a lie. He could have just reacted from the sudden mention of his secret group. For all I know, everything he's said and done is the real Kokichi, so why do I keep insisting to myself that there's more? Am I just trying to convince myself that he's a 'good person'?
Kokichi is most certainly not a good person, whether he's lying or not. Already he's done and said awful things that have hurt people. I'm no exception to that. He's insulted me, made me feel awful, and even threatened my life. I really shouldn't tolerate a person like this, whether he really meant any of it or not. So then why? Why do I keep giving him a chance to show his true colors? Why do I keep trying to believe in him? Is it because I don't want to admit that I'm wrong with what I initially thought about him? It's that naive part of me that let Angie backstab me, almost literally. I shouldn't trust him, but I can't help but do so. Is that strange? Probably, but Kokichi has that bit of charm to him. I can't bring myself to fully distrust him. Because…even with how he is, all the lies he tells us and all the truths that lie within them, Kokichi Oma is still just a person. He's still a teenage boy in an awful situation. That humanity is what I'm choosing to believe in, I guess. Another naive part of me, but a part that I accept anyway.
"So? Any answers to that?" I asked once again, now being the one to egg him on. I saw his eye twitch slightly in annoyance before he started laughing.
"Oh, Rinny, you're so funny. Why would you think that I care about my group or what they think? I thought I made it very clear that all I care about is making things more interesting for me." He then gave me a dark, evil smirk as he put his hand near his face to complete his nefarious pose. "The only thing I care about is having fun in this death game, and I'm gonna use whatever I can do it, even you."
"Is that so?" I asked, not being fazed at all by his antics and threats. Too used to those things by now, I suppose. I stared at the boy for a bit, trying to find anything to confirm or deny my suspicions. Trying my best to answer the question of whether I'm just a tool for him to use and discard, or an actual friend or ally in all of this. He talks about how I'm a 'loyal goon' of his, and acts like he trusts me, but then he pulls a knife on me and tells me he'll kill me if he wants. Just what is it really? Of course, there was nothing like that to be found at all. Kokichi was a mystery, even after all this time we've gotten to know him. I definitely can't trust him. I surely shouldn't trust him, but even so… "I'll choose to believe in our friendship if that's the case." I told him as I entered the tunnel.
"H-Huh…?" Kokichi gaped when he heard my response. I turned back to see slight shock coming from the boy's face. That's when I started chuckling. Those moments were rare, but I've seen a fair share of them. Those moments where I believe I get to see bits of real emotion coming from the king of lies himself. The times someone catches him off guard and he's left in this state of surprise. A state where he falls back onto a neutral, almost blank look. At the very least, I can't help but find it entertaining to beat him at his own game and mess with him a little. I suppose it doesn't matter if I fully understand him right now, and I guess it doesn't matter if I don't completely trust him. It's as Kaito says. All that matters is whether or not I want to believe in him. Anything that comes after will just be a consequence for my actions. I just hope…this choice doesn't end the same way it did when I decided to believe in Angie.
"What are you standing there gaping for? I thought you wanted to see the motive and make this game more fun? Are you coming or what?" I asked him, making myself sound impatient with him as I tapped my foot on the ground repeatedly. That seemed to snap him out of it as he began pouting at me.
"Now you're rushing me? Man, Rinny, you're such a task master." Kokichi groaned at me. "I'm the supreme leader here. You should be listening to me!" He then began to skip past me before turning around with a playful look in his eyes. "C'mon, Rinny! I'm gonna leave you behind in the dust if you don't hurry up!"
"So that's the game you want to play, huh?" I asked with a chuckle as I readied my Electrohammer. "You may call me your loyal goon, but I'm definitely not gonna let you show me up like this. I'll crush you and show you I'm waaaaaay better than any goon." With that, I began to chase after Kokichi, beginning our little competition within the tunnel. I suppose there's one thing I can be confident about with my relationship with Kokichi. These moments where we play around and mess with each other certainly feel real. The bond we have as friends is something I can say exists with certainty. That, at least, isn't a lie.
After a few minutes of rushing through the trap-infested tunnel, we finally made it to the other side. Having Kokichi with me certainly did help, as we made it through the death road of despair a lot faster than when it was just me. But now the two of us were just staring at the vault that was trapping us in this hell. The vault was still closed, surging with electrical energy like before. But unlike before, we had the key. We can finally see the outside world.
"Why am I getting a bad feeling about this?" I muttered.
"Getting cold feet now? I thought you were ready for this." Kokichi teased me.
"It's not that. It's just…I thought it would be harder getting to this point, or that there would be something else waiting for us here. But it's just…normal. Almost quiet, even." I didn't like it. Sudden apprehension came to my mind as I looked around. What was Monokuma's game in all of this? What was the point? What was the motive, really?
"So? Are we doing this or what?" Kokichi asked me.
"...Yeah." I nodded as I walked over to the card scanner. I can't stop now. We've already come this far, so I can't stop now. With only a bit of hesitation, I swiped the card, and suddenly, the vault door began to make noises as it prepared to open. "So it was for this."
"Well, it looks like we'll finally get to leave this place, or at least see where we are." Kokichi said before he gave a hushed grumble. "Finally. About time." I could certainly share the feeling. Finally, we're going to see the outside world. The thing we've been looking for. But…it's the motive. That thought kept pestering my mind. What could possibly be the motivation this time? Is it…the outside world itself? But that's ridiculous. That's the thing we've been wanting this whole time. To escape. There's no way that could be a motive for us to kill. It's illogical. It's impossible. There's no way he could have done anything to make leaving this horrible, awful, disgusting hellscape not an option for us. There's no way…
I kept telling myself that as the vault door slowly began to open, and light poured into the dark area Kokichi and I were in. And the outside world, finally, was revealed to us. And… and…
It was even worse than this hell we were already in.
Behold an unthinkable present.
…Fire. So much fire. It was everywhere outside. So much so that the sky was red and trails of smoke were nearly covering it all. There were destroyed buildings outside as well that looked like the metal holding them up was melting. The ground was now a red, charcoal substance, and everything that was in sight was either on fire, melting, or both. Road signs were bent downwards, roads were destroyed, and buildings were starting to collapse. And worse of all was that I could hear everything that was happening. Fire roared, explosions occurred off in the distance. There was even a huge cloud of smoke I could see in the distance that must have been caused by one of those explosions.
Everything dug into my eyes and senses until I felt like throwing up. I could feel how my face had twisted into one of…no, there's too many emotions to explain properly. Imagine every negative feeling a person could feel. Got it? Good. Now multiply it by Hell squared. There's no proper way to describe this feeling. My eyes had shrunk to pinpoints as I stared at the destruction. I had dropped my Electrohammer and the card key out of complete shock, and my mouth was agape as I found myself brokenly speechless at the sight.
That's when I realized something else. I couldn't breathe. The moment the vault door opened, the air in the room was sucked away to the outside, and now I was starting to choke on my own throat. I couldn't breathe at all. I tried to gasp for air as I fell to my knees, clutching my throat in my attempt to bring air to my lungs. My throat was now burning as I sucked in nothing. I began to feel faint before the vault door began to close. The moment it was finally sealed again like before I had opened it, I was finally able to breathe again. The first rush of air into my system was extremely painful, like ripping off a bandage when it's really stuck to your skin. The air scraped against my throat as I forced into my body and into my lungs.
That's when I felt a hand on my back, and I heard Kokichi speak in a soft voice. "...Are you okay?" I turned to look at him, and I immediately regretted it. Kokichi had never looked more…vulnerable. It was like how he looked when he found Miu's body, but worse. His body was sagging, something that I never had seen from the energetic child, and he was taking pained breaths as well as he lowered his checkered scarf he was using to cover his mouth back down to his neck. His expression was completely blank. It was cold, unfeeling, indifferent, but his eyes…his eyes told the real story. I could see reflections of the flames we saw in them, as if they were replaying the sight over and over again. The flames in his eyes were swirling, like a dark hurricane of negativity and…and… despair.
"I…" I tried to begin to speak, but I found myself still lost on what to even say, think, or do. "...I'm not sure." I eventually answered before looking back to Kokichi. "...You don't look too good."
"...Neither do you." He replied in a soft, blank voice. He's never spoken like this before. So… devoid of any life and energy. Actually, I'm speaking in the same tone too, aren't I? It was like both of us were completely drained of any life or energy.
"..." I looked back at the vault for a moment before I slowly got up from my knees. "...I'm leaving." Kokichi never gave a response as I turned to leave. As I left the room, I heard something behind me. The moment Kokichi was finally alone in that room, he started laughing. It started out small, just a chuckle. But within moments, that small, broken chuckle had transformed into manic laughter. Deranged, broken, completely manic laughter that you would only hear from someone who had gone insane. A hearty laugh full of all the energy he was missing before, along with what might have been overwhelming joy. A laugh one would give after seeing something extremely funny. Others might think that Kokichi was horrible for giving such a jubilant sounding laugh after what we just saw, but I don't blame him at all. After all…it was funny.
…I don't know how long it took, I didn't really care and I wasn't paying any attention to anything, but I finally made it to my dorm room. It was only when I was already inside that I finally came back to consciousness. I had zoned out as I was walking. I wasn't even thinking. I was just moving my body as I thought about nothing. I thoughtlessly moved to my desk and took out my Electroradar. Without thinking, I clicked the button, hearing the humming sound it makes when it shuts down the cameras in my room. Good. I don't want the sick fuck who's watching this to see what's about to happen. Well…not that there really is anyone watching. Probably, anyway. Now alone in the privacy of my dorm room, I pressed my back against the door I had just closed. I then slid down it until I was sitting on the ground. And then I laughed. Just like Kokichi, I started chuckling. It wasn't something I wanted to do, but it subconsciously came up out of my mouth. And then it turned into the same deranged, broken laughter of pure manic insanity that I heard from the supreme leader.
I couldn't stop it from happening. I couldn't stop myself from laughing in the face of what I saw. It was just so FUNNY! I mean, what else could I describe it as!? What else could it be to know that everything, EVERYTHING, that I had worked for since waking up here was for NOTHING. It's funny knowing my friends DIED for NOTHING. It's outright HILARIOUS knowing the truth behind everything is that no matter what happened, we were fucked. It's hell on the inside. It's hell on the outside. WHAT THE FUCK WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO!?
I continued to laugh, no longer denying my loss of sanity, nor the tears that were now trailing down my face. It's so funny, and it's so goddamn heartbreaking. I'm so angry! But I can't do anything. I'm so sad! But why should I let my emotions take hold of me? I want to do something, anything, about this! But what would be the point in that? All I can do is laugh. Laugh as I cry. Cry as I laugh. Rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat and repeat-until I finally die. That's all I'm waiting for now. What's the point in trying to prevent it? We're all going to die here anyway. Angie should have just killed me. That way I would have been spared from seeing that. All that's left for me to do is kill or die. Doesn't really matter. The path is the same no matter what I choose. Save everyone? Protect everyone? What a joke! What can I do now that I know the truth? The world is gone! The only place for us is in this academy! In this killing game! There's nothing I can do! There's never been anything I could do! We're stuck here forever! There's no escape! There's only…only…
Despair.
When my laughter finally died down, I was left in a trance as I stared at the wall in my dorm room. I stared for what might have been hours, not moving an inch. Not speaking a single syllable. Not moving my glazed over eyes. I just sat there until I was suddenly compelled to move for a reason I didn't know. I walked over to the bathroom, and I just stared at the mirror. My expression… I looked different. My face now looked like I had seen the worst thing in the world, and I might just have done that.
But the main thing that was different was my eyes. The bright, crimson color I was used to seeing was now a dull, dark red, almost maroon color. Worse of all, they were like Kokichi's. Flames were inside my eyes, swirling around with all the negative emotions I had felt. I looked crazy, or maybe depressed? That doesn't sound right or even at all genuine when I use that word to describe myself. I'd rather not use that description. But even if I didn't like the thought and what it implied, I still looked depressed. I looked… like nothing mattered anymore. Despair. That's what this was. I know…because I've seen it before. I've experienced it before. But this…might be worse than anything I've ever felt. Is it because my memories are still a little fuzzy? Is it because there's still a chunk I'm missing for context? Or is it because I know exactly why I've felt like this before, and I'm shocked that this feeling is so similar, though much stronger, to that.
And then a few thoughts came to mind. Was anything you just saw real? Can you really trust what you saw? It was a motive, so it must be a trick. There is evidence to suggest that. I ignored those thoughts. I didn't care anymore. I didn't care to think about it. I didn't want to. The damage has already been done. Anything I do…would just be pointless. I left the bathroom with this hopeless feeling, and I saw Monodam was now in my room. I just stared at the green and white bear for a while before a question arose from my throat.
"Did you know?" I simply asked him. He stared at me for a while before he gave a response.
"I-WANTED-YOU-ALL-TO-GET-ALONG." He told me. "BECAUSE-KILLING…IS- WRONG. HURTING-PEOPLE-IS-WRONG. BEING-ALONE-IS-WRONG. AND… WINNING-THIS- KILLING-GAME-IS-WRONG, FOR-THERE'S-NO-PRIZE-TO-BE-HAD." That was all I needed to hear as I nodded.
"So that's it, then. This is the end." I muttered as I sat at the edge of my bed. "Nothing…ever mattered." That's when I felt Monodam proding at my shoulder, trying to comfort me in his own weird, little way. I didn't really understand why he was trying to do that, but I didn't mind. Even if it was a fruitless effort, it was a nice sentiment.
That's when I did something weird. I don't know why, but I grabbed Monodam and just held him like he was a real stuffed animal. I didn't really care that he was a Monokub. None of that really mattered now. I just needed something to hold on to. Something I could just hold to keep myself grounded for just a little bit, and I'll be damned if I let myself shatter into pieces in front of the others for what would probably be the 5th time at least.
Monodam seemed a little surprised, but he didn't struggle. He just let me hold him as I did my best to not be drowned in the torrent of negative emotions that were attacking me. I just need this moment. This one singular moment. I'll fall down on my knees and scream. I'll pull out my hair and cover my eyes. I'll let out all these emotions, and then tomorrow I'll act like nothing happened. I'll fake it till I make it. I'll lie to the others. I'll lie to myself. Do whatever it takes to get by another day. Maybe then, this lie will become the truth. If I keep it up, maybe even I'll believe it. Repeat, until it's believable and true: 'I'll be fine'.
I stayed in bed for the rest of the day after that. Monodam left after a while, neither of us saying anything as he did. I just kept my focus on the ceiling in my room. I stared at it for minutes. Minutes became hours. I don't know how long I was just lying there motionlessly, not saying anything whatsoever. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to speak. I just want to stay there, not thinking about anything. What would be the point of any of that, anyway?
I didn't leave to eat lunch or dinner either. The others will probably be worried when I don't show up for breakfast tomorrow. I didn't want to eat any more. I didn't want to talk to anyone any more. I just wanted to stay in bed and do nothing. I don't know how long I stayed like that, but I knew it was until his eyes started burning. Was I even blinking? I knew I was staring thoughtlessly at the ceiling, but I must have really been zoned out for my eyes to start hurting.
Yet still, I didn't want to move. No, it's more like I didn't have the will to move. My body was lethargic, like all my motor functions had decided to stop to prevent me from getting up. I didn't question my slothfulness as I stayed in place, keeping my gaze on the ceiling. I wasn't even thinking about anything. I was just staring. Blank. Dull. Nothingness. Yet I did nothing to change my laziness. I just stayed in place, unmoving and unfeeling.
The nighttime announcement started playing. I didn't pay it any mind.
There was knocking at my door. I didn't get up to answer. It was more like I couldn't find the will to get up and answer it. It stopped after a while.
Even now that it was night, I didn't move, nor did I speak. How long was I going to stay like this? I didn't know. I just didn't want to move. The same thought kept coming back to me to ensure that.
What's the point?
That same question played itself in my mind over and over, as if on repeat. Yet there was no answer to be found. No, that's not it. That was the answer. Nothing. The only thing waiting for me and anyone else is hell, whether in the academy or outside. The image still haunts my eyes, which now swirled the flames of despair together into someone unrecognizable.
I wonder how Kokichi is handling this. He looked just as bad as I did before I left him. Should I have just left him like that? No, but in my condition, there wasn't going to be anything I could have done for him. I wonder…if he's in the same state that I am in. I can't really imagine him sulking around like this, but who knows? A few days ago, I wouldn't have thought that this would be something I would do in any situation, but here we are.
The horrid image once again makes its rounds within my eyes. I felt like my vision was betraying me as it shifted my room into a mirror of the outside world. I could feel the flames licking against my body causing an insufferable heat that I knew I couldn't endure. I didn't want to endure it. The sound of destruction and suffering rang out in my ear, to the point that I wished I could shut my ears and make the sound go away. Even still, my body refused to let me move my arms to plug my ears, forcing me to listen until the waking nightmare I saw went away on its own.
The image eventually vanished, returning me to my room, yet the burning anguish did not leave. An uncomfortable ache began to spread through my body. I had been ignoring it this whole time as I lay still on my bed, but it was stronger now. Not something I could easily ignore anymore. It burns. My arms are burning. I want it to stop. I want so badly for it to disappear.
That's when the burning sensation is cut through by a new, throbbing feeling of slight pain. I turned my head to look at my arm and saw something shocking. On its own, my hand had moved onto my other arm and began pressing its fingertips and nails down onto it. Even with my shirt and jacket on, I could still feel the large amount of pressure I was subconsciously pushing down on my burning arm. It hurt…but it was dulling the burning sensation. I stared at my arm with a disgusted gaze, as if it were some evil thing, yet I didn't stop my hand. In fact, I took off my jacket and pulled up my long sleeve and began scratching my arm roughly. It was hurting. It hurt a lot, but it was cutting through the burn. I couldn't stop myself anymore. I don't think I wanted to stop. I kept scratching and scratching. Itchy. Itchy, so itchy! The burn itches!
A sharper pain entered my body after a minute or two of scratching, snapping me out of my dark trance that I had entered. I looked down at my arm, and nearly let out a yelp. I was bleeding now. I was scratching so roughly, so badly, that my nails had begun to dig into my skin and cut it like this. I could see the areas I had scratched, and a few trails had opened into bleeding wounds. How…how long did I scratch myself for? Did I…zone out? I hissed as the open air hit my exposed arm now that I had stopped scratching. It was painful, yet it wasn't the burn. My arm…wasn't burning anymore. I had grounded myself again. I had found a sick, awful way to ground myself back into reality.
I no longer could bear the sight on my arm that I had created myself and averted my gaze as I rolled my sleeve back down. The fabric only caused another sting of pain as it touched the sensitive wounds, the blood now slightly soaking into the white sleeve, creating clear pink stains. After that, I put on my jacket again and did my best to ignore what I had just done. I…didn't just do that. I didn't just do that. I wouldn't hurt myself like that, right? But…it felt…good. It feels…good…
The thought that pressed itself in my head intimidated me, and I couldn't push it out of my head. It screamed that what I did was fine, that I was grounding myself, that I was removing the awful burning that had trapped itself in my arm. Doing that even snapped me out of my despair induced trance of slothfulness, as I now had control over my body once more. Yet this left a sour taste in my mouth. Was I really that weak? Was I really that desperate?
New worry entered my mind as I thought about the others. What would they think if they found out? They would be disgusted. I can't let them find out. It'll be fine! They'll never know! I wear long sleeves after all! I then look down at my covered arm now, still feeling the tinges of pain still that were underneath the clothing. I should get some bandages and properly clean and address this. There's a medical room now I could use. Monodam changed an empty classroom into a make-shift nurse's office, so I could take some of those supplies to fix myself up. I can do it while the others are at breakfast tomorrow, that way I won't run into anyone. I don't…I can't let them know about this bout of weakness. I'm already weak enough. I don't need them to know I'm even more pathetically weak.
I ran my non bloodied hand on my face as I let out a tired sigh. How did things come to this? I found myself now looking at my room as I tried to use reasoning and logic to figure out why any of this was happening. That's when my eyes landed onto the desk in my room, and a memory flashed in my head. I still have that knife from before. It's in the drawer.
…
No… No! No, I can't! Stop it! Why am I having these thoughts now! I don't….I don't want to…
…But I do. The cold metal would probably be a lot better than just my nails. It could cut through the burning sensation…the despair and pain…like it was nothing. I felt sweat form on my head as these thoughts made themselves known in my own head. It was like my mind was no longer just mine. These persistent thoughts, like a plague, kept yelling and screaming, reminding me how twisted and distorted I had become. How broken I was. I wanted it to stop. I don't want to hurt myself!
That's a lie. Another thought slashed through my own as it refuted my statement. If you didn't want to hurt yourself, then why did you consider suicide just a couple of days ago. I felt a chill as I paled at the thought. The day after we got the FAs, I had come back to my room to think about it all, and I saw the knife on my desk. At that moment, a small, awful thought popped into my head. If I kill myself, no one would have to suffer. I immediately shook it away and put the knife away to prevent that sort of thinking from happening again, but now, the thought was back, and it was screaming at me. If I had killed myself, Angie would be alive. Ryoma would be alive. Himiko would be alive. Angie wouldn't have felt the need to kill because my suicide would have removed the FAs from everyone. That would also mean Ryoma wouldn't have died from the poison in his bangle, and Himiko wouldn't have been put in a position where she had to kill to survive. It's all my fault. Myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault.
"...I can't keep thinking about this stuff." I grumbled. As I went to the bathroom to quickly clean myself up. I can't go get bandages right now. Two people, I believe Keebo and Kaede, are keeping guard right now. I'd rather not risk either of them finding out about this. Especially Kaede. God, I can only imagine how she would react to this. She's someone I consider my closest friend here. I don't want to imagine how she might react if she saw this. Not just her, but everyone else. I care for them so much. They're all…precious friends to me. I…can't put them through this. I can't put them through the horrible pain of seeing me like this. Those were my thoughts as I began cleaning the blood off my arm. While I did that, I stole another glance at my face. I looked…better, actually. My eyes didn't look so full of despair and anguish anymore, and they appear to have returned to their normal state. I suppose this…act of mine helped relieve the stress I was under, as much as I loath implying this at all helped me.
This shouldn't have helped me. It didn't help me. I'm supposed to be the reliable one. I'm supposed to be the oldest person here. I can't be doing stupid things. I have to be right. I have to be good. I have to set an example for the others. They're kids. I'm an adult. I can't be wrong. I can't be foolish. I can't give in like this. I can't…show them that I've given in like this. I can't show them that I'm just a worthless, useless pile of trash who can't do anything to help them. I can't show them that this is the path I chose. I can't let them believe that this is the right path. I have…to make sure they don't end up like me. I'm a mess. I'm awful. I'm terrible. So, as the responsible, reliable adult here, I have to make sure. I have to make sure they don't end up like me. They have to be better. I have to be better.
Once I was done cleaning my arm and hands, I looked back down at my damaged limb. I hope this doesn't leave scars. I slowly left the bathroom and returned to sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the ground with a serious expression. "...What am I supposed to do now?" I asked in a soft tone. I never got an answer, as expected. I was just alone with my thoughts.
That's what scared me the most.
"...I should just sleep." I grumbled as I began taking off my jacket. "Maybe with some rest, I can move on." Impossible. That would be impossible. How could I just move on from this? I didn't bother addressing the question as I laid down in bed and closed my eyes. I waited for sleep to take me, but it never did. I laid there with my eyes closed for so long, yet it was a fruitless effort. No matter how tired my mind was, no matter how much my body wanted to rest, I couldn't do it. Ironic. I started with poor sleeping habits that mixed horribly with how I was overworking and stressing myself out. Then Monokuma makes it so I can't sleep, further escalating the problem. And now, even though I can sleep again, something inside me refuses to let me get that rest. It's funny. So…funny.
Eventually, I sat up on my bed and tried to think about something positive. I need to get out of this funk I'm in. I can't stay like this. Again, the same question as always pops into my head as a response. What would be the point? Once again, I had no answer to that. I just…didn't want to do nothing anymore. Haven't you done enough? That thought made my hand twitch slightly. Aren't you tired of this? I felt my heart begin to throb in pain. Don't you want to end it all, forever? Sweat began to slide down my forehead as the thoughts pushed their way into my mind. It was as if my own mind was starting to turn on me. It was treachery inside my own head. The thoughts were persistent. That kept hounding me. They kept beating me down with the darkness I've tried to hide away this entire time. They continued to crush me under it, until finally, I gave in to it.
What should I do now?
You know exactly what you should do. There's one way to end it. End it all.
I slowly got up from my bed. I began walking over to the desk. It didn't even feel like I was in control of my body as I opened up one of the drawers. I stared at the shiny metal object that I had hidden away from my sight. I picked it up and began to examine it further. The knife was quite similar to the one I had used to protect myself from the mastermind back before the first class trial. This must be some kind of poetic justice or something. I can see Tsumugi, or maybe the real mastermind if they exist, laughing at this turn of events. How the tables have turned. Before, I was so confident, and now I have nothing. I'm back to being that weak, pathetic, worthless nobody I was when I first woke up here. I'm utterly powerless. I'm so disgustingly useless. And now, I'm so incredibly tired. Tired of it all. Tired of feeling like this. Like I'm the one who has to solve everything. Tired of being the responsible one. Of being the reliable one. Of all of it. The pain, the fear, the sadness, the despair.
But after this, there won't be any of that. After this, I won't feel any pain. I won't be constantly afraid. I won't doubt myself over every little thing. I won't have to be the older, responsible, reliable senior for the others. I won't have to feel so disgusted at myself over how powerless and useless I am. I won't be so tired. I won't be so sad. There won't be any despair waiting for me there. All I have to do…is do something I should have done much sooner. In truth, I had this thought before when I got back to my room as well, but it's only now that I've decided to do something about it. Yes…that's right…
I should have died much sooner.
I turned the knife around, pointing the sharp blade towards my heart. Then…I moved my hand swiftly, lunging the knife towards my chest, ready to end it all. However, that's not what happened. Right before the blade made contact with my chest, the knife stopped. Inexplicably so. If anyone were to see the scene, they would have thought that I stopped myself. That, at the last minute, I had reconsidered. But that's not how it appeared to me. To me, it felt like there was another person's hand preventing me from going further. And worst of all, even though I was obviously seeing things, I couldn't help but tremble at whose hand it was.
There beside me, most likely as a result of my own insanity or some such, was myself. More accurately, another me. He looked just like me, with the only differences being his outfit being the formal suit that was in my closet, the same one Tsumugi wore when she cosplayed as me, and his body being transparent. It was like he was a ghost. He had his hand on my, preventing me from driving the blade into me. He was glaring at me as well, yet it wasn't a look of hatred or disappointment. If anything, it looked like an expression of pity. I just stared at the phantom apparition for what felt like minutes. I'm definitely crazy. There's no other explanation. I'm just seeing things. I guess I really have broken.
"...You can't die just yet." The 'other me' said in a blank tone. "You still have something you need to do."
"...And what is that?" I asked, deciding to humor my own insane hallucination.
"You must save them." He answered. "You need to protect them."
"Save them? Protect them?" I parrotted before I started chuckling. "What more can I do? There's nothing I can do about this! I can't do anything for them!" I began shouting. "And why me!? Why does it have to be me anyway! All I've done is run around with my head chopped off in a vain attempt to do just that, and look where it's gotten us! 6 people are dead! Kirumi would still be dead too if we didn't use the Necronomicon! I've failed three times now! There's nothing I can do! All that's left for me is to give up and die!" The other me stared at me, his expression never changing. He stayed like that, before slowly opening his mouth.
"It might be hard. It will be painful. But that's the life you've chosen. That's the life of 'Rin Wakuri'." He then moved closer to me until we were face to face. "You already know that, don't you? After all, you remember nearly everything now, correct." I didn't deny his words. I just gritted my teeth in response. "Even if you're powerless and can't do anything, even if you're in so much pain that you want to die, you can't right now. Not until you find out how to end it for good."
"End it…for good?" I asked. "End…what?"
"That's the reason why you're here. That's the reason you chose to come here. That's the reason…you don't want to die right now. That's why you're scared to kill yourself." My eyes widened when he said that, a sense of realization now inside me. "Don't let your emotions take control of you. Think things through, and then decide what's the right thing to do. For you, and everyone else." And with that, the phantom disappeared. He faded away right in front of me. I stood there motionlessly before I dropped the knife.
"I…can't do this." I grimaced as I closed my eyes, on the verge of sobbing once again. "I…just can't do it." I sat on the ground and hugged my knees, burying my head in them as I started to cry. "What am I supposed to do? Why do I have to feel like this? Why do I have to keep doing this despite everything? Why…do I feel like this? That I have to keep living despite what I saw?" I just wanted to die. Nothing mattered anymore. Living hurt after seeing what was waiting for us outside. I wanted to die, yet I also didn't want to die. That phantom was right. He was just a reflection of what I truly wanted. Another side of me, I suppose. I didn't want to die. Despite everything, I didn't want to just lay down and die. But that only made the pain worse. I wanted it all to end. I didn't want to suffer anymore, and yet I just couldn't end it. I was too afraid, and I wanted to live too much to actually do the deed. Yet that only meant more despair and sadness.
It's hell on the inside. It's hell on the outside.
I want to die, yet I want to live.
I'm in so much unbearable pain, yet I can't free myself of it yet.
Nothing made sense to me anymore. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't know what I wanted from myself either, nor what the world wanted from me. My emotions are clashing against each other, creating more pain and heartache inside me. There's only one thing I can do right now. All I can do is get lost in these persistent thoughts that plague my mind, telling me to die, telling me to live. I can only get lost in them.
Lost in these awful thoughts, all by myself. All alone.
