-MAISIE-
'Okay' was a liberal descriptor. Leah told me about Gunner's phone call the night Irina died. Her heart had melted and broken all at once, I could see it on her face when she recounted it. I was lucky that Leah would be there to take care of Gunner, always.
But she also told me about the burning of Irina's body. Since Gunner had sent her and Seth back to La Push so Alice could use her sight, they had arrived just in time for the whole ordeal. There had been a note that Sam found. It must have fallen from Irina's pocket at some point during the fight.
Irina's sisters' names were written on the note in a delicate hand. Sam saved it from the burning to give to Leah. She passed it along to me, but even just holding it made my stomach turn. I gave it to Carlisle and Esme. I couldn't bear to keep it.
Alice was right, I was not turned. But I was fundamentally changed. Enough so that Emmett had taken to calling me a 'changeling' in the last few days we all spent in Forks.
If I wasn't sure what I was before, now I really felt displaced. I couldn't call myself human anymore, but vampire didn't quite fit either.
I was never in any pain. After I emptied my stomach of Irina's venom, there was no longer a fire raging in my veins. I still ran a fever through the night, according to Jasper, but it wasn't the burn of a true turning. These changes only took one night, not the traditional three. I was exhausted enough to have my first dreamless night in months.
I always thought I had decent eyesight. I never needed glasses or contacts, but when I opened my eyes the morning after Irina's death, I realized I might as well have been blind before. This revelation came to me after I had rubbed the sleep from my eyes and my gaze had landed on Jasper's face.
I knew that Jasper was scarred from his time in the southern vampire armies. I had learned them well over the past three years, able to chart their path across his skin with my fingertips. But it had always been difficult for me to make out his scars, silvery-pale as they were against his skin, unless the light hit them just right.
In the watery morning sun forcing its way through my curtains, though, it was like I was seeing Jasper for the first time. He was sitting on the edge of my bed, leafing through one of my books, waiting patiently for me to wake up. The fact that he wasn't paying me that much mind should have been a good indicator that I was fine—not a vampire like I had expected to leave my fight with Irina—but I was too entranced by his profile.
Even in the dim light, I could easily see the scars that crisscrossed his neck and bled over the edge of his jaw here and there.
"Woah," I murmured, so eloquently. I could see, now, why vampires who didn't know Jasper were wary of him. Those scars told the story of a victorious warrior. Had I not known him… I would be lying if I said there wasn't an air of danger to Jasper. I reached for him just as he began to turn toward me. I caught his face between my hands so I could get a better look.
"What are you doing?" Jasper asked, but I was watching the way a scar tugged at his lower lip, keeping the corner of it tight as his mouth formed the words. How had I never noticed that before? Or that the scar that ran through one eyebrow was so long, curving from his temple to cut a path through the eyebrow and fade out mid-way through his eyelid?
I ran my thumb across his lower lip, feeling the scar there beneath my skin. But then something dawned on me—vampires had drastically advanced vision. I drew in a sharp breath, my eyes widening. "What color are my eyes?"
"Blue," Jasper answered immediately. "Bruised, now, but blue. As always."
He untangled himself from me, smoothing my hair down in a soothing fashion. Jasper must have felt the inklings of my building panic before I acknowledged it myself. It rose within me, making my chest tighten and my head spin.
"How?" I asked. Flashes of the night before flooded into my mind. "I drank her venom."
I drank her venom, my thought echoed back to me. I should be a vampire now. I drank her venom.
Jasper watched me flounder, letting me work through my memories on my own. "Gunner made me throw it up. I remember that. But…"
"But we had theorized any further doses of venom would set you over the edge and cause a vampiric turning," Jasper finished for me. His words were soft and soothing, as was the warm calm he tried to diffuse me with. I shook my head desperately against both. "You've proven our theory wrong."
I pushed past Jasper, leaving him half-covered by my blankets as I fled my bed. In my bathroom mirror, I took stock of my changes—or relative lack thereof. Blonde hair askew from sleep. Jasper was right, my face was bruised under my eyes and across the bridge of my nose. Otherwise, my face was pale—from fear, not from the stilling of my heart, which was pounding beneath my ribs.
And my eyes, blue. As always.
"This doesn't make sense," I whispered when Jasper's reflection appeared behind me in the mirror. He wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling him to me. Tears were pricking at my eyes. When I blinked, they rolled, hot, down my cheeks.
I had no idea if I was crying from relief or anger.
"I know," Jasper admitted. He met my eye in the reflection. "Suffice it to say we—all of us—are just as surprised as you are. But here's my question for you, mi corazon. How do you feel? Physically speaking."
He knew how I felt in terms of emotions. I knew he was riding the tumultuous waves of confusion with me. My anger and relief and guilt…everything coursing through me was as much Jasper's as it was my own. Jasper's question gave me pause. I hadn't taken account of any physical changes aside from my improved eyesight. I went still within the circle of Jasper's arms, thinking.
I knew I had fought with Irina. That was fresh in my mind, now. Her sick, taunting smiles. My desperation to keep her away from Gunner and Bella. Fighting alongside Seth and Leah. How tired and sore I felt afterward.
That morning, though, I felt… fine. More than fine. Were it not for the bruises splotching my face and the scratches marring my arm, I wouldn't have ever guessed I had been in a fight for my life the night before. Nowhere did my body hurt. Outside appearances would disagree, but I felt whole and healthy.
"I feel fine." My voice sounded confused even to myself. "I…don't think I should."
"But you do," Jasper asserted. I felt him deflate, chest collapsing as he sighed in relief. "Ali said you would, but…"
He trailed off. I spun in his arms, tilting my head to look up at him. "But I shouldn't."
My family was still sleeping. I knew better than to shout, but I wanted to. I forced myself to keep my voice low.
"I knew what I was doing. I was ready! I shouldn't be here, like this!"
I had made my choice. Finally. I chose to let myself turn, to sacrifice myself for Gunner and Leah, for Seth and Bella. I knew what I was choosing for myself before Gunner made me through up the venom, but now I was left with…
I didn't even know what. I didn't know what I was. It was supposed to be simple, I was supposed to go from human to vampire. I was so mad I wanted to hit something. Or throw something.
Jasper was still leaps and bounds stronger than me, though. I was all but helpless as he wrapped his arms tighter around me, holding me flush against him as I started to sob.
Before we returned to Alaska, Carlisle put me through more than a few tests to catalogue my status. Seth was all too happy to return to the Cullen house to help with that. Leah came in tow, of course. As much as she got along with the Cullens, she still refused to let Seth be alone in the company of them.
With the help of Seth and Leah, it was determined I was stronger. I bested Seth in an arm-wrestling match, much to Emmett's delight.
"That's my little sister!" He had boomed, lifting me off my feet in a hug that was slightly too tight. "Our little, changeling, vampire-fighter!"
It was a much closer contest with Leah, our efforts ending in a draw with three victorious rounds each between us. Edward could testify to improved sight. My hearing and smell were better, too. That first morning, I could hear Dad running the shower four rooms down. Not to mention the healing factor—within two days, my bruising was yellowed and healing.
Luckily, I could explain away the vastly improved appearance of my bruises by blaming it on makeup tricks I learned from YouTube tutorials.
But the most concerning new symptom was my heart. It was something I hadn't noticed myself, but the Cullens and Seth and Leah could both attest to. My heartbeat had slowed. Considerably. It hadn't stopped, but it plodded along, taking on a meandering rhythm.
I wasn't on the level of a vampire, but I was removed from typical human abilities, too. Honestly… it seemed I was akin to the wolves.
Well, except for my blood diet. It became apparent pretty quickly that I needed it now more than ever. I could still eat human food, and it tasted normal to me. But I wasn't hungry anymore. Only thirsty.
Gunner was thrilled I was still 'human'. His relief was so evident on his face, in his shining hazel eyes and bright smiles. I could hardly stand it.
Emmett or Alice, either. They were both excited for the opposite reason, welcoming my new vampiric traits in a way I could not. I also didn't like Carlisle's worried or Esme's sad eyes, either. I knew she was mourning Irina. Despite it all, Irina had still been family to the Cullens. Edward was easier to handle, probably because he could hear all my internal struggles and tactfully avoid upsetting me. I'm sure he clued Jasmine in, because she followed suit.
Rosalie, no surprise, was the only one not afraid to call me out.
I had gone to the driftwood beach to be alone with my self-pitying thoughts the evening before Jasper and I went back to Alaska. I told my parents I was going to check on Bella and would be back later. That was only half a lie. I really did go to the Swan house first, much to Jacob Black's chagrin.
"What are you doing here?" He had asked, crossing his arms, his huge body effectively blocking the entirety of the door frame. Jacob had opened the door. I knew Charlie wasn't home; his police cruiser was missing from the driveway.
"Got short term memory problems or what?" I snapped. "Seems you forgot I saved your girlfriend last week."
I had made him angry. I could see that in the slight tremor his fisted hands took on, but I didn't care. He didn't scare me. I had run through so many emotions in the last week that I was numb and raw inside at that point.
"Jake!" I heard Bella call. "Lay off. It was Leah who stepped on my leg, and that was an accident."
Yeah, Jake, lay off.
He held my gaze for a beat longer, dark eyes narrowing into a glare before he stepped aside for me.
Bella still limped, but her bruise was healing, too. She turned her leg for me to see, the edges already lightening.
"Deep tissue bruises hurt, huh? I got a few from softball. Feels like your bone's broken, but it's not. And they take forever to heal."
The visit to Bella's house was a courtesy call, basically. An attempt to try to ease some of my guilt, if I'm being honest. Seeing Bella mostly well had soothed it some. I needed to remind myself why I had fought Irina, why I hadn't felt bad when Sam and Jacob intervened and ended the whole bloody ordeal.
For Gunner. For Leah and Seth. For Bella.
I went to the beach after, like I said, for a one-person pity party. Rosalie crashed that, though. I knew she was there before she sat beside me on the dock. The sand cushioned her footsteps to nothing but a whisper, but I could still hear them. And I could smell her perfume wafting on the sea breeze.
When she sat, Rosalie tucked her legs primly beneath herself. My own were dangling over the edge of the pier, bare feet lapped by the little tide waves. The clouds had broken apart along the horizon where the sun was setting, so that the sunset was echoed in the shimmer of Rosalie's skin.
She sat beside me quietly for a bit, face turned toward the setting sun.
"You couldn't make the choice for yourself or for Jasper, but you made it for your brother. Twice." Rosalie said it so plainly, and I think that was on purpose. With my emotions so raw, though, I immediately read accusation in it. Just as I began to bristle, Rosalie raised one slim, white hand to stop me. "I understand."
"…you do?" When she smiled, it didn't reach the sadness in her amber eyes.
"We're more alike than one would guess, Maisie. I would not have chosen this life for myself, as you know. You weren't going to, either." I looked down at the water beneath us. I never wanted to admit this to myself, but I knew it was true. Rosalie knew, too. She just wasn't afraid to say it.
I clenched my hands, nails cutting into my palms. I hated to hear it said even if it was true. And, oh, was it true.
"The Volturi would have made me. If they didn't kill me."
"Force is not a choice," she said gently. "You're angry now because you made your choice, but it didn't happen the way you intended."
"It's because I threw up the venom. I shouldn't have listened to Gunner. I should have just let myself turn and begged forgiveness from the Volturi next month."
She watched me with those amber eyes, scrutinizing me. "You don't believe that."
I sagged beneath her gaze. She reached across the space between us to take my hand, uncurling my fingers to slip hers through mine. "I know my own hypocrisy. When I saw that bear tearing into Emmett's chest all those years ago, I don't know what came over me. I had already come to despise humans because they had what I had lost and so desperately wanted back. If I had my life to live over again, I would not choose this life for me. If I had been human when I met Emmett, and he a vampire, I still would not have chosen this life for me. Yet, when I found Emmett weak and bleeding, I took the choice from him. I begged Carlisle to turn this human boy. Though I didn't yet love him, I knew I would be devastated if he died. I have never denied that I am selfish."
"It's kind of weird." Rosalie had fallen quiet. It took me several seconds to realize she was waiting for me to speak. "None of us are twins, but I feel like we are. I know Jasper considers you his true twin, anyway."
She smiled at that, dipping her head. "We spent a lot of time together his first decade in the family. He was angry a lot, and so was I. Jasper needed to learn control, and I was the second-best, behind Carlisle, even then. I suppose we really bonded during that time."
"Gunner is not so much younger than me. He's in all my memories, even the very early ones. I was too young to remember a life without him." My throat started to tighten. "I can't imagine a life without him, either."
Rosalie didn't comment when tears began to roll down my cheeks. I had spent a lot of time crying in the past year.
"I had two brothers," she said eventually. "They were much younger than me. I don't think I loved them the way I should have in my human life, the way you love your brother. I was silly and vapid and too aware of my beauty. Why pay them much mind when I was so busy getting attention for myself? But not a day has gone by since my turning that I haven't thought about them. But now… if it had been Everett and Augustus in Gunner's place, I would have done the same thing."
The air seemed to still when Rosalie spoke her brothers' names. She had told me once before she had brothers in her human life, but Jasper had told me once that only Emmett knew their names. Well, and Edward, of course, but he had always respected Rosalie enough to keep that to himself.
Rosalie gave my hand a squeeze, and then she leaned over and pressed a light kiss to my cheek.
"You've long been my sister, Maisie, before I had accepted it. You protected our family as well as your human family against James. I know it may be hard to believe he would need saving, but you saved Jasper from Maria, too. Not just Gunner. You protect and you save and you lose all your wits when it's someone you love. As frustrating as you can be, Maisie, I have to admit I wouldn't have changed any of your choices had it been me in your shoes."
For all that I had bucked against the thought of becoming a vampire, Rosalie was right. There was truth in what she had said that evening on the pier. I was mad that I hadn't left my fight with Irina as a vampire, instead becoming…whatever I was. All that anger stemmed from fear, though.
Fear of the Volturi's reactions. I had drawn the fight from the beach so no other humans would see. I had lied to my parents and Charlie Swan. I had made sure no one else knew the secret. But would the Volturi see it that way? Alice's visions were all over the place. This was another variable thrown into the mix, and suddenly, it wasn't so easy to predict one way or the other anymore.
That fear weighed heavy on all of us. Except Gunner and Leah, but I was becoming exhausted keeping it from infecting them, too.
Suffice it to say, I was ecstatic to go back to Alaska. Well, in some aspects. I would no longer be under the scrutinous eye of Carlisle and Edward. Jasper was confused and curious too, I knew, but he let me be much more often than those two. It was a relief not to have to continue to tell lies, even if Mom and Dad had fallen for them.
Ava hadn't let me off the hook so easily. She had always been eerily aware for a child, and she had taken up a hobby of watching me with suspicious eyes. In fact, Ava's suspicion was strong enough that Edward actually became worried and actively monitored her thoughts.
"She's cognitively advanced for her age," he told me. As if I hadn't known. Me and Gunner had already decided long ago if any of us three were going to be an evil genius, it would be Ava. "Ava watches you. She knows something is different, but she doesn't know what."
I would have to work on being more convincing with Ava next time I saw her.
In Alaska, we were much closer to Tanya. I had no idea where Kate was, if she and Garrett had returned from their travels. Neither of the remaining Denali sisters knew of their sister's death. Carlisle insisted he would handle breaking the news, and delivering the note Sam had saved for us.
"No need for more pressure on the two of you," he had said, Esme nodding along beside him. I think both me and Jasper were all too happy to agree.
I was happy to be back in Alaska, but I thought my guilt might consume me. Especially in that first week, before the fall semester started up. Our first night back in our house, I sat on our bed with my knees pulled to my chest, wearing one of Jasper's t-shirts.
South America was getting the same paint treatment as the American southwest and France. Rio de Janeiro was awash in watercolor red, but I kept glancing over at Italy. There were twenty-five days left before we had to venture over there. Twenty-five days until I met this infamous Volturi. Eventually Jasper caught me staring at the boot-shaped country.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice he had abandoned his painting until he was before me. He crouched in front of me, easing one of the hands clasped around my legs so he could take it in his own. His hair was messy as always, giving him an almost boyish look were it not for his scars. The one through his eyebrow pulled and tightened across his temple as his brow drew together.
"Maisie." I knew what was coming just from the way he had said my name. It was a mantra, of sorts. Jasper pulled it out every time I was overcome by anxiousness or guilt. "Irina's death wasn't your fault."
"…I know." It was still hard for me to admit, even with how often we went through this script.
"You did the right thing by stopping her. You protected the secret." I only nodded that time, already feeling my throat constrict and the tears prick at my eyes. He wiped face dry when the tears started to fall, wicking them away with his sleeve. Sometimes Jasper was able to get to the spiel about how the Volturi wouldn't hold Irina's death against me, but most of the time I dissolved into tears by this point.
I didn't fight with Jasper when he gently pulled me from the bed and into his lap. My tears soaked through his sweater where my head rested on his shoulder. Jasper stroked my hair and gently kissed my forehead, but he didn't offer anymore pacifying words. Nor did he manipulate my mood, but that was at my request. I had asked him not to, because I was of the opinion I had to feel all of this without it being dulled. I needed to.
Instead, he simply rode the waves out with me.
A/N: Yes, I did just upload three chapters back to back. On purpose.
I wanted them all out at once so that a). the aftermath of the Maisie v. Irina fight could be read and full and b). so we can advance to Volturi things. Because that's what I've been looking forward to since I started planning and writing this sequel.
