Empowered.
Ballsy.
You.
That how you felt the next few days after you had told Bucky how you felt. Putting your heart on the line had been a stark wake up call for you. It took a while for your emotions to settle down and for reality to sink in, but once it did, you thought:
Did I just fucking do that?
Had that been you the last month? Were you that dick-whipped by a guy you hardly knew? No. That hadn't been you. You were stronger than all of this. You were the girl who stood up to your parents at sixteen and told them you didn't want them to worry about putting their financial goods on you no matter how rich they were, because you were mature and strong enough to feed and clothes yourself. You didn't use your status or name as an advantage to get into the best college.
You were never ungrateful, just merely not dependent.
And most of all, you weren't some fragile girl who cried and fell to her knees for a man.
You wondered if maybe you were lying to yourself to make yourself feel better about being rejected, but you shoved that quickly away and instead started wondering if maybe you had been wrong about your feelings.
It was obvious you felt a carnal and emotional attraction towards Bucky, but it could've been naïve on your part to assume it was love. Possibly.
It's not like you even knew what romantic love felt like. Maybe it was just sexual. Maybe it was infatuation.
You'd think this would make you feel even smaller against him, but it made you feel strong. You had done something you never thought you would, and you had made yourself little and a fool in front of him. But not anymore. Now it was time for the real you and to heal.
It wasn't love. No. Whatever it was, you quickly worked on moving past it.
Gone was the belittled persona you subconsciously created.
His silence was comical as you strutted into the kitchen wearing nothing but your tank top and a small pair of pajama shorts.
You felt his eyes on you and it felt good.
His fork made a clink against his bowl as you opened the fridge. His eyes lingered on the back of your legs.
He had noticed how much you changed the last few days, like you had grown a backbone. He was wondering what kind of front you were putting up.
Whatever it was, it left him uneasy.
"Aren't you cold?" He grumbled, pushing his bowl away. There was a bite to his tone that made you want to roll your eyes.
"No." You bit back, grabbing a water bottle. You closed the fridge and continued your way out of the kitchen, not giving him even a second glance.
He clenched his teeth as his eyes followed you until you were out of view.
What were you doing?
"I have to get my outfit ready for our mission." You said as he followed you out into the dining area. There was no longer a timid hint in your tone, but authoritative. You reached over to grab the remote for AI that was on the beautiful glass table. The blue light of the screen bounces off of the table and back onto your face, making you glow in the room, "I need something good. Shouldn't be an issue with the cash Steve gave us."
He perked a brow.
"I don't think so."
The edges of your lips perked up as you gave him a quick glance.
He frowned.
"I don't care what you think. This is my task, I'll do it my way," you lifted your finger up to the touch screen and scrolled through the screen as you gazed at the options being displayed to you, "Now, if you excuse me."
Few seconds passed before he grabbed your hand, stopping you from scrolling. You looked at him questioningly.
He looked confused.
"What?" You asked. The screen illuminated the left side of his face. The color of his eyes were the same as the color of the cool halo.
A striking blue.
Yeah, this was definitely just physical.
"What are you doing?" He mumbled. His question was extremely broad. You narrowed your eyes at him.
"Did you hit your head or something?" You asked.
"You're acting strange." He answered back sharply in an accusing tone.
You practically scoffed as you snatched your hand out of his.
"I'm not being strange. This is who I am." You returned your gaze back to the screen.
"Is that so?" It was obvious by his tone that he was taunting you.
He didn't believe that you weren't putting up an act.
"Listen, James." You didn't sound annoyed or snarky like how you used to be, instead you sounded sincere and a little tired, "We're co workers, semi friends, whatever it is you want, alright? The feelings and shit from before? I'm moving past that and to be quite honest with you," You looked back at him, his eyes burned into yours, "I'm stronger than you think I am. I don't know who that girl was, but me, I'm strong. I'm a badass." You ran a hand through your hair as you let out a long sigh. You looked different with your hair parted that way and he felt a slight tingle up his spine, "I've been thinking about it, what I felt for you." You let out a selfless smile that brightened your face, "It was stupid of me to assume it was anything more than physical attraction. You were right. I don't know what love is, but I know that there's no way that that's what it was. I know that now." You raised your hand again to continue scrolling, "Now, again, if you let me continue."
You were surprised when he stepped in front of you, blocking your view of the AI screen. His body was practically flushed up against yours as he stared down at you intensely. You stared up at him, bored.
"Physical attraction?" He asked.
You narrowed your eyes at him. Was he really that dense? His quiff was messier than usual, but his skin had never looked better. Your eyes racked up and down his body in an obvious manner.
"Sex." You say.
You watched as his face became void of any emotion, but it didn't get to you this time. It was obvious he wasn't attracted to you, but that didn't belittle you anymore. You knew you had more balls than he ever would, regardless.
His jaw clenched.
"So you had an epiphany, and now you're changing from water to wine." His voice was gruff.
You shot him an unamused glare.
"You're the biggest dumbass I've ever met in my life, Barnes," you tilted your head and took a step forward. His eyes remained stoic on you. "I realized my stupid need to want to sleep with you clouded my better judgement and it was impeding who I truly was and what I wanted to do. You messed it up. Now that I realize my mishap, what's done is done and I'm not letting it happen again. I didn't change myself for life's convenience and certainly won't change myself for dick."
He tilted his head back, mimicking your movements.
"I refuse to believe you changed your personality because of that."
You snarled.
"Fuck you."
"No, fuck you." He snaps back.
The air between the both of you was thick and palpable with hot and yearning tension.
"Why? I don't disrespect you, I never have. You are the one that has mistreated me, its been borderline verbal abuse. I told you I was attracted to you and your response to that is fuck you? What the hell is wrong with you? What happened to you to make you feel you have to shoot everyone down in every sense of the word? Are you that cold-hearted? Are you that abnormal?" You you hit a nerve with the last two questions because he looked away from with a faraway look in his eyes, "Whatever it is, get some help. You need it, and I mean that in the kindest way possible."
You continued shopping, not regretting a word you said to him. Did you feel bad? Yes, but not about what you said, but because it was true and you knew he deserved to hear it. He needed to hear it. Briefly, your eyes darted back over to him as he walked away.
Okay, maybe you felt a little bad.
But he needed to hear it.
Damn it.
The water was a little hotter than hot, and it made his white skin red.
Bucky stared down at his feet, the shower head directly over the top of his head, making it cascade over his hair and down the back of his neck and back. He bad both his arms planted out in front of him on the cold grey tile.
He ignored the droplets that ran down the side of his face, making their way into his eyes and over his nose and bitten lips.
He closed his eyes again as he repeated your words in his head. You had called out every single one of his insecurities, and it had only reminded him of how undeserving he felt of anything remotely good. He was undeserving of a fresh start. His mind, and his heart, still lived with his past.
He has felt nothing good or happiness in decades. You telling him you felt sexually attracted to him, to any other man man that would've been a compliment. He should've been anything but disgusted or ashamed to hear those words from you. But that's how he felt.
Most of all, he was ashamed at himself that that's all he knew he could ever give you.
His heart didn't exist anymore.
His left vibranium hand turned into a fist, and he banged it slightly hard against the wall. Hard enough to let frustration out, but not hard enough to dent the wall.
"Are you that cold-hearted? Are you that abnormal?"
He bit his bottom lip and a soft sob ran through his body and out his throat.
He knew he needed help, but he hated hearing it. He hated the reminder that he no longer could love or trust. He could never love you. After finding out about Daisy's death and that he was the one that caused it, he vowed to himself that he would never feel that way about anyone ever again.
He would never get that close, ever again.
He remembers her beautiful blue eyes and, fuck, if it doesn't still hurt. His tears mixed in with the scalding water on his cheeks, some of them reaching his lips. They tasted salty.
Through blurry eyes, he stares down at his semi-hard dick.
The serum had been good to him. Before it, he was already well endowed, but now he knew just what thick really was.
He had a small patch (but neatly groomed) of dark hair. He runs his hand over has tight abs as he watched his dick twitch. It curved up towards his belly, the tip red and begging to be touched.
He swallows thickly and it burns his throat.
He hasn't felt an orgasm in over seventy years. There's been a few times since Wakanda where he felt the need to rub one off, but he always refused. He never felt deserving of it.
He still didn't, but he wants to feel good in the most selfish way possible. He wants to remember what it was like to feel so good.
He's scared, and his trembling right hand is evidence of that.
When he wraps it around himself, he lets out a strangled grunt mixed in with a tight sob.
He runs his thumb over his swollen tip and he feels the pre-cum slick and wet.
In a corkscrew motion, he smears it over his palm and then he rubs it over his shaft as a lubricant. Giving himself long and languid strokes, his forehead falls onto his arm that is up against the shower wall.
His legs spread a little more to their own accord, and he strokes a few more times, focusing on his mushroom tip in soft swirls as he returns up each time.
He wants to feel this, he does. He wants to cum.
"Fuu-uuck." He lets out in a moan.
His speed picks up.
His eyes squint as if he's in pain, watching his own hand stroke his shaft. He had forgotten how good this felt, how good it felt to just feel this. A selfish and carnal release. Something so naturally human.
He bites his bottom lip hard as his exhales escapes his nostrils in heavy huffs of tight air. The air is from trying not to cry, but also from keeping down the loud groan that lays heavy in his chest.
He knows he's getting close, and it's embarrassingly fast. But it had been so long. The sensations that go through him are euphoric and he can't believe that this is what you had wanted from him.
Just the thought of that brings him to the edge. He considers edging it off to keep feeling this for as long as he can, but it becomes literally impossible.
He strokes and strokes, focusing on that little spot right under his mushroom tip, and he groans.
He gasps as his hand continues to move, spurts of white and thick cum spurting out and hitting the little coarse hairs and his pelvis. The water from the shower which has now gone cooler, washes it away.
He shivers as he tightens his grip around the middle of his length, milking it of all its got. He lets out another curse, closing his eyes once again. His legs feel like jelly and his heart feels even more hollow than before.
He cries again, but this time for a different reason.
After his shower, he walks into your bedroom dressed in soft cotton pants and a white shirt.
He had expected to find you already asleep like you were after his showers, but this time you were still awake.
That wasn't what caught his attention and what made him stop in his tracks.
His mind was still in a fog from his orgasm, sleep begging to take him in, so he felt like he was in a trance. Your actions were something so innocent, but yet so angelic.
You were sitting Criss Cross in a white silk cami, only some of your back exposed, and you were tying your hair up in a messy bun.
Bucky doesn't know what it is, if it was your skin, what you were doing, if it was the way your little hairs danced over your tattoo, or if it was because he was still reminiscing about what he had just done.
Whatever it was, he found himself glued to the spot.
He swallowed thickly as you snapped your hair the into its place in the bun. You dragged back the white blankets and tucked yourself in. Finally, with your back turned towards him, you went to sleep.
The next morning you woke up excited. Today was the first day of your part of the mission, and it's what you had been waiting for. Except that this wasn't just gathering intel this time, you were actually going to be doing something.
When Bucky had first told you his plan, it surprised you he was even up for it. The idea seemed to have been something he normally would not go for, but it was obvious he was desperate to reach Ashen and the building.
Bucky had shown you some weaponry and tech devices that had been developed and saved before the compound was destroyed. The ones he had brought along were the ones that the team felt could be necessary during this mission.
Then he showed you the one you would use and as he told you his plan, you got butterflies in your tummy from how excited you were.
The plan was that Bucky would find out the day and room Silas would book for the week at the club. Bucky would change the room for one he knew would be vacant that day. On that day, you to go into work like you usually would. At the end of your shift, you would sneak yourself downstairs and go into the vacant room.
You would seduce Silas until you had him around your finger, then you would use the good stuff.
Vibranium handcuffs, truth serum, and a neuralyzer so you could then wipe his memory of the conversation.
Bucky would stand by the entire time in case you needed his help and to make sure the coast was clear.
This had to work because it was the only truth serum you had and the only neuralyzer available. You had one chance to get it right.
This excited you even more.
Finally, it was your turn.
After brushing your teeth, a morning shower, and some breakfast, you changed into your prized possession you had saved for all of this.
The outfit was an all black lingerie set.
The bra was black lace with a thick red padding which pushed them up and together. The underwear was a matching black lace, but boy shorts style.
There was a little black bow on the top front, which you had found cute. Your favorite part was the simple garter belt. It was a grey based black color, and it wrapped around your waist in french laces. Four little straps dangled off the sides.
You slide on your sheer thigh highs and attached each strap to the sides of the stockings.
Next, you worked on your hair and makeup you had purchased. When you finished, you were more than proud with your work.
You were going to use this mission to finally get what you wanted, and you definitely looked the part.
You were a virgin, but you weren't shy for your body or sex. You've never been one to hide your body completely under clothes.
Looking at yourself in the mirror, you knew you looked hot.
With pride, you grabbed your coat that you had thrown onto the counter and put it on.
When you stepped out of the bathroom, Bucky was nowhere to be seen. You weren't sure where he was, but you convinced yourself that you didn't care.
He didn't matter; you didn't care.
You put on your regular shoes, through the heels into your bag, and went to work.
It surprised you you weren't even a little scared. You were just hoping you wouldn't sweat to death wearing a coat during your shift.
"You left a super heavy bag of yours all over the floor." Pedro says as he walks past you, five minutes before the end of your shift.
Your eyes go as wide as saucers at his words.
"What?" You ask.
Pedro is smirking.
"I picked it up for you. So, what is it? You have a hot date tonight or something?"
He saw the heels and handcuffs.
Your stomach grows cold for the first time that night, and your face turns a shade of red. If only he knew what you were wearing underneath.
"Damn it. Sorry, yeah. I didn't mean to leave it like that. I thought I zipped it up."
"It's alright, sweet thing. I get it." He gives you a wink and you smile back painfully.
Shit. How could you be so sloppy?
You continue for the next five minutes, finally feeling your nerves pick up drastically. Once your shift is over, you tell Pedro your goodbyes. You hover for a bit until he's turned away and you make your destination towards the stairs that lead down to the rooms.
Eventually, the sounds of voices and music drown out and all you can hear is your feel against the expensive marble floors.
You go quick, darting around the back of the staircase and out of view, slipping on your pair of heels.
You hear one escort behind you, a genuinely nice girl you met a few times during your shifts named Jenna, and you stand up against the stairs to make sure she won't see you. You wait again and again.
On cue, you see Silas walking down the long hallway, a hand in the pocket of his suit pants. You swallowed thickly. Silas was even more frightening up close. He towered at six feet three inches. He was slim but muscular; eyes lacking soul and remorse.
He goes into the room Bucky had chosen, looking around one more time before letting it close behind him.
You let out a long breath and wait a few more minutes. Finally, you see Bucky.
You walk over, quickly but subtle enough for the heels to not make too much noise against the marble floor, which was obnoxiously difficult.
His eyes meet yours halfway and he stops in his tracks, just right of the door. His Adam's apple bobbles up and down as he eyes you up and down.
"Barnes. You look like you've seen a ghost." You say, pulling your bag over in front of you.
He looks away from you.
"Lets do this, please."
Bucky opens the door to the room, and you follow him. He had taken a tour before this and he had told you that before each primary room, between the door and the bedroom, there was a small closed in foyer area. He assumed it could be for extra privacy, but it wasn't sure. You and him discussed he would wait in there in case something happened and you needed him urgently.
You pull out the cuffs, syringe and neuralyzer.
You quickly turn around so your back is to Bucky and you motion for him to help you pull your coat off.
Bucky's heart stalls. It's your collarbones that he sees first, and then it's the rest of you.
He doesn't enjoy the way it makes him feel, the way it makes his heart ram away inside his chest, and the way his skin prickles in the air. He had seen you in all kinds of outfits, but he had never seen you this exposed before, and part of him felt ashamed for feeling this way now. Funny thing was, it wasn't just because it was sexual, but because of the way your presence changed the entire temperature of the room.
Simply just you changed everything in the room.
Your black lingerie contrasted beautifully with your skin. The garter belt made him want to brush the edges of his fingers against them. You looked so delicate, but also so raw.
This is what you were buying when you told him you wanted him.
Past tense. Because clearly, you had moved on pretty fast, according to what you had said.
The air between you both was hot and you could hear and feel his breath on the back of your neck as he took your coat.
You knew what you had felt for him was just physical; you convinced yourself of that, and you had worked the last few days to move on and it had worked perfectly. But right now, at this moment, something shifted back again.
You didn't like it. You didn't like that you could literally feel his eyes burning into your half naked skin and you didn't like the electricity you felt in the air.
You hated that those physical needs were reemerging.
You hated that it would always be one sided.
You tried to shove the need away, and most of all, you tried to ignore the small wet spot gathering in your lace underwear.
Like a shock to your heart, the first wave of doubt hits you.
Are you sure it wasn't love?
