Trigger Warnings: suicidal ideation, suicide planning, thwarted suicide plans, grief, guilt
Chapter 29: Inevitable
"Wait, wait, stop. Pause. Rewind." Melanie closed her eyes, lips pressing together in a line as she shook her head. Too much information bounced around, slamming and careening in every direction, none sticking long enough for her to focus on. It was a feat, trying to wade through the muck as well as the biting pain in her arm which flared every time they rolled over a lump on the road. "You knew? You knew this was what my parents were going to do the whole time?"
Alicia's fingers fluttered on the steering wheel. Her lips twisted to the side and her eyes darted from mirror to mirror every few seconds. "Yes, Ruiseñor. They called me before you left."
Mouth dropping open, the words in Melanie's mouth tripped over themselves. "You should have stopped them! I was—"
"Supposed to take their place?" Alicia cut her eyes at Melanie. All fight drained out of Melanie, and she slumped in her seat, pressing her lips together. Maybe if she didn't it say it out loud Alicia wouldn't continue. It was a fight she knew she'd lose; parents knew everything. "Why do you think they changed the plan at the last minute? Your parents, my dear, they are not blind, and they are not dumb. They knew what you were planning on doing." Sighing, she reached out and grasped Melanie's hand, giving it a firm squeeze. "They could not let you go through with it."
Melanie's lower lip trembled. She squeezed her eyes shut, easing out tears that rolled down the curves of her cheeks. This wasn't supposed to happen! They weren't supposed to take her place. They weren't supposed to change everything. And now they were gone, and it was her fault! Like it was her fault Mollie was dead. How many more people were going to disappear or die because of her?
Alicia didn't let go of her hand the rest of the way to the Reyes home and she didn't leave Melanie's side as they stumbled up the driveway and into the house. Melanie always loved going over to the Reyes home; there was just something about the bright oranges on the walls mixing with the colorful rugs, the painted skulls, and the clay bowls and vases that enveloped her like hug whenever she walked through the doors.
The hug wrapped her tight as Alicia guided her in through the front, pausing only to turn the deadbolt and the barrel bolt and the chain lock. Had those always been there? Melanie tried to recall when she and Stiles went to Lydia's party, all those weeks ago, but her mind wouldn't cooperate. A hurricane blew through, knocking her off-kilter, battering her around, another casualty to add to the list.
"Come. Hurry." Alicia led Melanie into the kitchen where she collapsed into a chair. Groaning at the burst of pain licking up her arm, Melanie held it close to her chest. "You're not healing," she stated, flicking through cabinets. They each closed with a loud snap as she mumbled something in Spanish beneath her breath.
"Yeah, I figured that out," Melanie grunted.
"Bella said you may not…heal like them…ah!" Reaching beneath the sink, she yanked out a wooden box.
Through squinted eyes, Melanie peered at the upside-down engraving on the top; words scattered among stars and some other symbols she'd never seen before. Her lips moved silently, trying to sound out the words. Astra…clin…art?
"Astra inclinant, sed non obligant."
Melanie blinked. "What?"
"Astra inclinant, sed non obligant," Alicia repeated, popping the lock on the front of the box. She removed the lid and rummaged through it; the tinkling of shifting glass and crinkling of plastic bags filled the kitchen. Something simmered on the stove; the hearty smell smacked Melanie in the face and made her stomach growl. "The stars incline us, they do not bind us."
"What does that mean?"
"It is our code." Alicia removed a bag of what took Melanie a few seconds to recognize as ginger root. Years of her mother's insistence of using herbal alternatives to treat ailments had finally come in handy. With a few quick chops of a knife, the ginger was broken down into a few pieces and then added to the nearby blender. A green concoction sat that the bottom and swallowed up the bits of ginger root that were added until the blender was thrown on.
"Code?" Melanie's eyebrows furrowed. Kate had said something about a code earlier. So did the hunter that had her captured. Suspicion tickled the back of her mind and dread sat in her stomach like a rock submerged. "What does that mean?"
Alicia moved to answer, but her eyes widened at the sound of feet clomping on the stairs. It mixed in with the sound of the whirring blender and water rushing through pipes in the walls. Melanie grabbed her arm, willing to pull it back into its socket but the burning pain made her hiss and regret that decision faster than she'd come to it. When Erica entered the kitchen a moment later, hair piled up in a messy bun, face free of makeup and glowing beneath the fluorescent lights, Melanie forgot the pain in her arm, forgot the confusion that clouded her brain, and forgot to breathe.
"Hey," she uttered at the stunned expression on Erica's face, noting that her friend's look was exactly how she felt. How Erica thought she wasn't beautiful was beyond her. Melanie could stare at her all day, just like this. It made her plan falling apart worth it, just for this small moment.
"Hey?" Erica repeated, an eyebrow arching. "That's all I get? After that phone call? Just hey?" She threw her arms into the air and let them fall to her side, shaking her head. "What happened to your arm? And why do you look like you've been chewed up? Are you okay? What happened?"
"Uhhh." Melanie's eyes darted over to Alicia, who kept her elbow on top of the blender whilst simultaneously blocking the box behind her on the counter with her body. She looked as if she were ready for a camera to take her picture at any second. All was missing was a wind machine. Okay, yeah, she understood how Erica had self-esteem issues sometimes. "Oh, y'know, I just…tripped. And fell. Down a ravine. It was dark. I didn't see it." Melanie waved her hand in a dismissive way, putting a smile on her face. "I'm fine. I'm good."
"You didn't see something you tripped over? You? The girl who notices when something's been moved even the teeniest bit to the left?"
"It's off-center," Melanie grumbled, "anyone with eyes can tell when something's not equidistant from the objects around it. I don't know how it doesn't bug anyone else!"
Scoffing, Erica crossed her arms. "Because we're all sane!"
"Mija!" Alicia cut off the blender and put a smile on her face. Melanie had seen that look plenty of times in her life; Arabella had perfected it whenever Melanie acted up as a child. She briefly wondered if they'd learned it from the same place. It hit her with a hard thud when she realized they had: motherhood. "Something has come up with Bella's family. Melanie is to stay here for tonight. Perhaps the rest of the weekend. Would you please go and ready your room?"
Erica's eyes bounced back and forth between the two. Melanie didn't say anything, only continued to breathe through the pain, doing her best to project slight discomfort. No sense in making anyone else panic and worry. No sense in dragging anyone else into the mess she made. Erica's shoulders dropped and concern settled into her features. "What's going on? Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine. Or they will be. There's nothing to concern yourself about. Now, please." Alicia waved her daughter away. Melanie caught Erica's eye. The unasked question on her face stood out like a neon billboard. Talk upstairs? She nodded once. Erica's lips pressed into a line, and she left the room.
Alicia rubbed her forehead with her fingers, muttering "Ay dios mio" beneath her breath. Her perfectly sculpted smile faded and the space between her eyebrows puckered. The cat clock on the wall twitched its eyes and switched its tail with every passing second. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.
Still mumbling, Alicia grasped the blender and poured the green drink into a cup. She shoved it into Melanie's hands, ordering her to drink it. Or at least that's what Melanie guessed her hurried Spanish meant. Melanie barely had the drink past her lips, on her tongue, when Alicia grabbed her arm and started to rotate it in its socket, lifting her arm higher and higher. Within a few more rotations, a loud pop sounded in Melanie's ear and vibrated in her bones, drowning out the groan slipping out of her mouth. She rolled her shoulder. Her arm was back in place.
"Now you hurry along. No matter what Erica asks, do not tell her a thing," Alicia said, fluttering around. She reminded Melanie of a hummingbird; flittering from one place to another, keeping busy, constantly moving. Alicia grabbed a nearby rag and wiped down the counter in big, circular strokes. "Perhaps I should have told her before, but I didn't expect…" Her words trailed off and she shook her head. She pushed her big, curly hair away from her face and turned to Melanie. "No matter. What's done is past. You cannot speak this to her. Any of this. I do not want her knowing this way."
Whether it was the drink alone or her guilt stopping her, she wasn't sure, but the drink thickened in Melanie's throat. A lump grew, quickly becoming a dam; making her sit up straight, choking and spluttering. The thick liquid dripped down her chin and she slapped an easygoing smile on her face despite her throat and chest being on fire and her panic rising faster than Mentos in Coke. Forcing a few more gulps down, Melanie avoided Alicia's gaze. Heat gathered around the collar of her shirt. The seconds ticked by; Alicia's gaze burned.
She had to stop drinking at some point. What was she going to say? The truth? Lie? Some variation of both? WWEWD? What would Elle Woods do? Only when the glass was completely empty and she sucked in air rather than the leftover dregs, did Melanie put the glass down. She made up her mind. There was nothing left to block her mouth, her words, the truth. And Alicia was going to hate it, she knew, but after everything that's been going on, she figured the truth was the best option.
"She already knows," Melanie said.
Alicia's scrubbing halted. "¿Qué dijiste?"
Melanie swallowed. The lump in her throat returned, bobbing like a buoy. "She already knows. I told her."
"Ruiseñor—"
"I can't keep this from her, Miss Alicia! I can't, like, I physically can't. I needed to tell her!"
"What did you tell her?" Alicia's fingers curled into the rag and a fire burned in her eyes. "Shoot to me straight, Melanie. What does she know?"
Melanie shrank beneath Alicia's fiery gaze. "Just about me. About me being a siren." Slumping, she brought her thumb up to her mouth, adding, "andaboutscottandthewerewovles" and winced, as if waiting for some sort of retribution
Alicia closed her eyes in a slow blink. A sigh escaped from between her teeth and her shoulders sagged with such weary weight only disappointed parents could carry. It was moments before she spoke; when the words finally came, they were equally soft and razor sharp, "Tell me everything, mija."
Melanie did: she told her the whole story, from top to bottom, starting from Scott acting strange at the beginning of the year, about Allison's family, about Derek and the hunters and the Alpha and how everything led up to her plan. Alicia listened, humming every now and then from behind the hand planted in front of her mouth. Her fingers drummed upwards by her ear.
"Listen to me, Melanie, that is all Erica is to know." Alicia nodded once. "Yes?"
"You're not going to tell her you're a hunter?"
"I cannot divulge that to her. Not now. I need to keep her safe." Melanie visibly recoiled, head shaking in disbelief. Keeping secrets was what put them in the situation in the first place! It had to be much easier to keep people safe if they were actually in the loop. They couldn't defend themselves otherwise, could they? As if reading her mind, Alicia hurried along, "She does not belong in this world. Your mother and I were hunters, yes. Were. We stepped away from that life when we were quite young and formed our own sort of faction. That is what the code is for but that is all I say for now."
"But—"
"Hush!" Alicia held up her hands; Melanie knew that gesture well. "We can discuss this in the morning, mija. For now, you need rest and you need sleep. Up. Up you get." She ushered Melanie to her feet and shooed her with fluttering hands. Wistful pressure pushed at Melanie's misting eyes. She could almost see them as little girls: being shooed away after drying to dig for information on Christmas gifts, running around with colorful blankets draped over their shoulders like they were the superheroes in Erica's comic books, kneeling on tall stools helping Alicia prepare abanicos in the kitchen, cuddled together on the floor under thick heavy blankets watching Disney movies as their mothers talked late in the night during a sleepover. The ghosts of their giggles followed her slow walk up the stairs, autopilot and nostalgia carrying her forward. By the time she reached Erica's room, gaps appeared between her seams and the threads frayed.
And when Erica shut the door and pulled her into a hug, all the strength carrying her disappeared and Melanie dropped to her knees, burying her face in Erica's neck, and sobbed.
Erica held on tight, her fingers digging like claws into her shirt, removing all the space between their bodies to keep them close together. Their hearts beat in unison, or so Melanie thought they did. Maybe her heart was beating too hard or too loud, reaching out for someone else's to find hers. And Erica's was there, ready to catch her, ready to hold her and keep her safe. So they both slowed, beating steady, content to count each beat they could still beat together.
"It'll be okay," Erica stated. Those three words, so simple and sincere, made Melanie's heart crack open a little more and she shook her head, backing away. "Sssh, sssh, everything will be alright." Erica brushed her thumbs against Melanie's cheeks, wiping away the tears rocketing down her flushed face.
"No it won't!" Melanie insisted. "My mom and dad are gone! They're gone because of me and I don't know if they're dead or alive or what! And…and Derek's gone too!" Alicia had to know. She had to know Melanie couldn't keep this to herself. But even as the relief flooded her, the wave of guilt came thundering in like a tsunami. It's like every time she got rid of one secret, she had to keep another. They kept growing and coming back, an indomitable hydra in her own personal Greek tragedy.
"That's not your fault!"
"It might be! It could be! That's what I do! Make people around me disappear!" Melanie brushed away the remaining tears and backed away, staggering to her feet. She fanned her flushed face and began to pace this way and that. Step, step, step, turn, step, step, step, turn, over and over on Erica's rug. She kept her eyes upwards; the red geometric and diamond shapes on the otherwise dark rug began to look like eyes, staring up at her, tracking every move, sitting., waiting… Uttering a growl, she scrubbed her face with her palms and dug her fingers through her hair. I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm safe she told herself, dropping her hands down to clasp around her neck. It should've been me.
"What?"
Melanie's pacing halted at the sharp word cutting through the stretching silence, snapping sound back into place. Her eyes, so red-rimmed and weary, landed on Erica and…what? She blinked, hoping to erase the anger pulsing beneath the surface of Erica's hard gaze and stiff chin but it didn't go away. Red blotches dotted her skin, igniting the acne coating Erica's cheeks. Melanie's eyes squinted, mind reaching back, until her brain dinged, and her chest swelled with a sharp inhale. Things had been weird lately, but something told her Erica didn't suddenly obtain the ability to read minds. Still she had to ask, "…Did I say that out loud?"
The ferocity in Erica's gaze cranking up a notch answered her question. Melanie let the breath in her chest go in one loud woosh. Her shoulders rounded and she steadied herself when Erica's lips parted, ready to speak. "Mel—"
"I didn't mean it like that." The words shot out of her mouth, a quick attempt at throwing salve on her inflicted wound. Maybe, just maybe, Erica would believe her. But Erica was smarter than that and she knew her attempts were futile, but she had to try.
Erica scoffed. The sound made Melanie wince. "How else am I supposed to take it? It should have been you? You mean it should have been you that disappeared? Just like that? And you would've been fine with it?" Erica didn't give Melanie a chance to answer as she continued, eyes blazing. "I wouldn't have been fine with it! My best friend just up and disappearing? No goodbye? No nothing?"
"I was going to tell you but…" What? She didn't have time? She didn't know the right thing to say? She didn't want to leave that as Erica's last memory of her? Melanie's tongue swiped against her lower lip and words clacked together in her throat, stacking like blocks. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I was going to tell you but—"
"But you decided to be a selfish jackass?" Erica supplied. Melanie pressed her lips together, eyes closing at the sting of her barb. "What if something actually happened to you? I wouldn't have known anything about it! I wouldn't have known…. We're supposed to be best friends! We're supposed to be a team!"
"We are!"
"Then you should have told me!"
"I was trying to make things easier."
"Bullshit! You were doing what you always do!" Erica stomped away from her, moving to the other side of the room, putting her bed between them. Her hair bobbed atop of her head with every heavy step. Her arms crossed tight over her chest, stretching the fabric of her large t-shirt. A few dark splotches slowly dried by her neckline.
"Don't you get it? Everything would be better if I was the one in their place!" Melanie cried out, flinging her arms in the air, ignoring the dull pain chewing at her shoulder. "Everything would be better if I weren't here!"
"How?" Erica all but screeched. "How would it be better? Since you're so sure?"
"Because I'd be—"
"Dead?" A strangled sound escaped from Melanie's mouth, her fight draining out of her at the sight of it. "That was the whole point, right? For you to die and then, poof, suddenly everything's done? You had nothing to do with the hunters taking Derek! You had nothing to do with the Alpha biting Scott! You have nothing to do with their choices!"
"I'm a siren, Erica! Or did you forget that part? Sirens lure people to their deaths! First Mollie, now Derek may be dead, and my parents—what if something happens to you too? I couldn't live with that!"
"So you decided not to live at all?"
"…I figured I could take some of them down with me." She had it all laid out, her plan was perfect. If they wanted her they could have had her, but not without some casualties in the process. It would've slowed them down, given Scott and Stiles some time to come up with another plan to stop the Alpha. It would be tit for tat, Mollie was gone because of her so she'd even up the score.
"And the rest of us?"
"The less people who knew the better." Her words rubbed at her, the hypocrisy itching like an ill-fitting wool sweater. But this was completely different! The hunters wanted her and if she took away what they wanted, everyone else would have been safe! Well, safer with more time to make a better plan. "Erica, I couldn't risk it."
"Do you know what a siren is?" her question overlapped the end of Melanie's statement, nearly cutting her off.
"A monster," Melanie said, her voice a strained whisper.
"It's also a warning!" Shaking her head, Erica started around the room. Every now and then she'd hunch over only to snap back up, take a few more steps, hunch over, and stand up, By the time Erica got to her she clutched a plethora of papers in her hands. They bent and crinkled beneath her shaky grip. "Or a signal! What if you're looking at this all wrong?"
Melanie scoffed, shaking her head. "What other way can I look at it?" So far, everything she's done has only caused more problems. Every time she was sure she had an answer, something would come along to change it. And now her mom and dad…
"Allison's last name means silver, right? So the story of silver killing werewolves wasn't actual silver but a person." Erica didn't wait for Melanie to respond, her words coming out in a hurried rush that no one could get a word in even if they wanted to. "What if the myths you like are different too? What if you're not meant to actually lure people to their deaths?"
"Erica—"
"There has to be a different answer!" A fire popped up in Erica's eyes, igniting her conviction. "I've been looking! That's not you, Mel! You're not like that!" She flipped through the pages, frantic. "Look, apparently, in Greek mythology, there are three types of sirens! Celestial, generative, and cathartic. Some try to unite souls in heaven to their host…or something? And I think that's Zeus." Melanie nodded. Of course, Zeus was involved in everything, he couldn't leave well enough alone. "And then the cathartic kind, they try to bind souls to the underworld or accompany souls to the afterlife so that's Hades. And the generative go with Poseidon and they help guide souls down paths on earth or…something with water and regeneration. Whatever!" Erica tossed the papers aside; they zigged and zagged to the floor, floating around them like snowflakes riding the wind, encasing them in their own snowglobe. Erica's following grip bit into Melanie's shoulders but the look in her eye, the ferocity and earnest searching, soothed the ache. "Doesn't matter! The point is, there's always another option. You're not like that! You're not! Not…not my Mellie. And…I don't care, I'll do whatever it takes to show you. To find another option. But we're doing it together!"
Closing her eyes, Melanie sunk into Erica's grip, a steady shelter from the turbulence raging in her mind. Her eyes itched and prickled, a burning tickled at her nose and her breaths stuttered as she held down the sobs fighting their way up her throat. She tilted forward, collapsing against Erica, leaning against her, enveloping her in a hug. And Erica held on tight, squeezing Melanie so hard her bones creaked, and they both slowly sunk to the floor as Melanie's knees gave out, the weight pressing on her heart taking them both down.
And Erica held on tight, as the careful kaleidoscope of taped up parts Melanie tried so hard to hold together gave way. And she caught them all, every jagged piece, and cradling them and her to her chest.
And Erica held on tight as Melanie listened to her pulse thumping a sure, steady beat through the skin at her neck where Melanie's forehead lay. She counted every beat, every drumming signal that, as long as she was alive, she'd be there.
And Erica held on tight when Melanie lifted her head, blue eyes brimming with unshed tears; unuttered words and apologies and declarations colliding, all clamoring to fall in the right place and carry the right weight and display the right vehemence. Melanie's lips parted, a breath so petal soft passing through, before she leaned forward once more, this time heading straight, sure, true, and kissed her.
A giddy, fizzing, sparking wave coursed through her at the touch of their lips and Melanie's eyes slipped shut, allowing a few tears to squeeze out between her closed lids. She sunk into the sweet fruity scent of Erica's shampoo and the lingering minty scent of her face wash and the layer of contentment settling over their once shaken snowglobe world. She pulled back, their lips peeling apart as if lingering on their own accord, and she barely had a chance to let out a soft "Erica" when Erica's following kiss dampened her name.
Erica's hands left her shoulders, fingers gently touching her face and neck and hair, as if to check Melanie was still there, still safe, still kissing her. And she was. And Melanie didn't want to stop any time soon, didn't want to snuff the flame burning in her, didn't want to cut off the safety and contentment and ease that came with kissing her best friend. The flutter in her stomach grew to a rolling, twisting wave, guiding her forward and back, coasting along the ebb and flow of their following kisses and gripping touches and heaving breaths.
When they finally parted, slow and careful, Melanie's heart didn't beat an exhilarated pace but a thrummed a steady, comfortable rhythm. Her eyes fluttered open, taking in the picture of Erica's flushed cheeks and shinning eyes and wavering to her mouth, as if trying to decide between a smile and a frown. Tears smeared against her cheeks; Melanie didn't know who they belonged to, didn't want to shatter their world to question something so frivolous.
Erica was the first to move, gently brushing their noses together, holding Melanie's gaze as she brought her hands back up to Melanie's hair and dragged her chipped-polished fingers through the strands. The tug sent electricity down Melanie's spine. "Don't leave me. Okay?" Her whispered was followed by a singular agonized whisper: "Please…"
"I won't." Melanie licked her lower lip and shook her head. "I won't." Erica's eyes closed briefly, and she let out a long, slow breath. "Um…this is probably the worst time to ask this but, uh…I'm kind of hungry. D'you think your mom could make us some tamales? Like she used to? I know it's late, but…"
Eyebrows twitching together for a second, a soft laugh escaped Erica's mouth and her hand moved up to her face, hesitated without having her hair to mess with, and rested at the back of her neck, rubbing form side to side. She got to her feet, stumbled a little, and moved past Melanie to the door, lightly touching her shoulder on the way. Melanie reached up, grasped her hand, and squeezed it hard.
a/n - It's been so long but I hope I still have people reading! The news of a Teen Wolf movie got me back into this universe and I'm happy to finally have an update for you all! Also, in the back of my mind, I thought of the review I got from Remy and it always made me want to get back to writing Mel's and Erica's story so here we are! Also, remember how I said this chapter was going to have the formal? Yeahhh, those plans changed. It's coming super soon though, I promise! Also this wasn't beta read so there's bound to be mistakes. Please read and review! And belated Merry Christmas!
