Olivia had known it from the very beginning, the second their eyes had met across the squadroom on her first day, that she was in trouble. Deep, deep trouble. From that moment onwards she had been constantly on edge, afraid that Elliot would be able to see past the walls she had carefully constructed and yet he had never commented on the way her eyes would sometimes linger just a second too long and his eyes would catch hers.

The first day on the job, Olivia had been sure Elliot hated her, hardly receiving a warm welcome and instead a quick nod of the head and a grunted 'nice to meet you' before the man had turned his attention back toward a stack of paperwork. Olivia had taken a seat at her desk opposite Elliot, turned on her computer and began searching through the police databases for clues on the case that Cragen had just clued her up on in his office.

It was an hour later, watching as Elliot rose from his chair before grabbing his jacket and hers as he held it out in her direction to grab. Quickly taking the proffered jacket, Olivia followed after Elliot as he led them to the squad car, driving in silence toward a suspect's house.

Olivia had been unsure of where to even begin with conversation, Elliot seemingly lost in his thoughts as he stared straight ahead and so rather than open her mouth she sealed it shut. Fiddling with the necklace her Mother had bought her on her eighteenth birthday during a rare occasion of actually being sober, Olivia didn't know what it was, maybe first day nerves but a bad feeling washed over her the closer they got toward their destination.

Twenty minutes later as they walked into the suspect's house, Olivia came to the realization that her gut truly was trying to tell her something, only just managing to pull Elliot out of the way as he rounded a corner and straight into a suspect who was wildly swinging a knife in his direction. Acting on sheer adrenaline, Olivia managed to quickly drag the man to the floor, knee digging straight between his shoulder blades as she shoved his face into the carpet underneath her feet.

Elliot had pulled her aside toward the end of their shift hours later explaining how his youngest daughter had been up all night spewing and crying, how he could be incredibly grouchy when he was tired and apologising for his mood toward her, promising to be in a better mood the next day.

The second day, well it was safe to say from that day onward they were inseparable, Elliot handing her a coffee as he strolled in to work that morning with a kind smile upon his face in greeting which she gladly returned. Within a matter of days they were finishing each other's sentences, having silent conversations with their eyes and having everyone around them watching on with quirked eyebrows and confused stares.

Elliot had become her safe place, something she had never had before and it wasn't through choice that she had let her guard down enough for him to wriggle through her defences that had been so iron tight for as long as she could ever remember. Elliot was different, a beacon of light in a thunderous storm that she had been suffering through for years of hurt and pain.

A Mother that couldn't bear the sight of her without having enough alcohol in her system so she couldn't pick out her Fathers features that were apparently etched so deeply into her face. Nothing Olivia ever did was good enough, no matter how hard she tried to be the best daughter her Mother could ask for, Serena just couldn't stomach her. Hair the wrong colour, eyes the wrong colour, the list went on and on.

It was worse when Serena had had a drink, the constant slurred words reminding her how Olivia had come into this world in the first place. Like Olivia needed a reminder. Then came the apology, hungover and feeling guilty Serena would try to smooth things over and as a child Olivia could accept it, naive and craving her Mothers acceptance. But as the years went by, so did Olivia's patience for her Mother's behaviour. It was hard to let people in, know who to trust and who would eventually realise just how messed up in the head she was. Elliot, he hadn't left her side throughout everything and some days she felt as though she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. It never did though.

Elliot was someone she could rely on, someone that despite knowing her family secret that had brought so much shame had never wavered in his dedication toward her. Protecting her at every corner, be it from suspects' unwanted attention or from other detectives' sometimes inquisitive nature about her family, Elliot was always there.

And so it only made sense that she pulled him closer. Pulled his body closer to hers as their lips pressed together in the sweetest of kisses that took her breath away in a way that nobody else had ever managed to. Hands cradling her face as though she was a fragile piece of art, rough fingers brushing against her jaw that had her body shivering at the tender touch.

But as much as she wanted it, the cold press of Elliot's wedding band gently pressing against her jaw had her drawing away, their shared breathes hitting against each others lips as Olivia tilted her forehead against Elliot's, ignoring the searing pain of her stitches as she savoured the closeness as though torturing herself.

"We can't Elliot." Olivia didn't need to have her eyes open to know that the look in Elliot's eyes would have her instantly taking back her words, instead keeping her eyes open as she brushed her hand over the soft expanse of his shirt clad chest.

Olivia could feel Elliot's heart thundering underneath her hand, wishing so badly she could close the distance again and feel the soft brush of his lips against hers again but despite everything in her that told her to give in she knew she would regret it.

Their partnership, Kathy.. Elliot's kids.

Leaping up from the chair, knocking Elliot out of the way in the process, Olivia just managed to stumble toward the bathroom in the hallway, narrowly avoiding the broken glass before spewing into the toilet.

God, what on Earth was Olivia doing. What was she thinking? A married man with four kids, the man she had to work with and trust with her life every single day and here she was letting him in to see every fucked up part of her life. Kissing him back, it was a mistake on every single level and yet she found her thoughts lingering on one thing.

Elliot had kissed her.

Olivia flinched at the sudden hands that drew back her hair, letting out a groan as she heaved back into the toilet ridding her body of the copious amounts of brandy she had consumed in her depressive state hours ago.

The hands slid down toward her back, the gentle and soothing circles being traced on her back only making the tears burn her eyes even more as she closed her eyes tightly. Falling away from the toilet, Olivia sank to the floor and found her back leaning against the bath, the cold porcelain a welcoming feeling against her sweat drenched neck.

Elliot moved around the bathroom, Olivia could hear him as the tap turned on for a moment before the smell of his aftershave hit her senses, the smell calming her fraught nerves for a moment before she opened her eyes again. Elliot, sitting down on the floor, his face a jumble of emotions as he licked his lips nervously.

"Here." Olivia didn't fail to notice the slight tremble in Elliot's hand and if it were any other time she might have made a teasing remark but instead she took the glass of water he was holding out.

Mumbling a quiet 'thank you' under her breath, Olivia eagerly gulped down the cold water and could already feel herself starting to sober up. More than likely from the sheer shock of what had happened only minutes ago on the couch. The kiss. Elliot's lips against hers.

Before Olivia could look around for a towel to wipe her mouth, Elliot was already holding out a damp face cloth toward her. It scared her at times, how they instantly knew what each other needed sometimes before either of them even knew it.

Switching the glass for the towel, Olivia made short work of cleaning her face of the sweat and tears that coated her face. Leaning over to drop the cloth in the wash hamper only a couple of feet away, Olivia ignored Elliot's stare that was almost burning a hole into the side of her temple.

"Liv." Elliot was sitting so closely that their knees were brushing against each other's, his fingers twitching against his trouser clad thighs as his voice cracked ever so slightly when he spoke her name.

Olivia only just managed to swallow past the lump in her throat as she tilted her head back, neck resting against the lip of the bathtub as she stared up at the ceiling. It was only now that she could feel herself sobering up that the pain from her arm was starting to properly register, her eyebrows pinching together slightly as she took a deep steadying breath.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have kissed you." Olivia was glad her head was tilted away from Elliot's view, able to hide the look of hurt that had no doubt just flashed across her face before she dropped her face so she could look the man in the eyes.

It was as though Elliot had just taken a knife and stabbed it straight through her heart as he spoke those words. Was she such a mess, a pathetic excuse for a woman that he had kissed her through sheer pity? The thought had her stomach lurching again, mere seconds away from making a repeat performance of throwing up whatever very little food was in her stomach from the day before.

The question fell from Olivia's lips before she could help herself, a true detective through and through, head dropping so she could watch Elliot's reaction. Refusing to look away from the man who seemed to be watching her every single move the same she did him. Neither of them could look away, as though having a contest to see who would be the first to give in.

"Why did you kiss me?" Elliot had obviously not expected it, Olivia's need for answers as he opened and closed his mouth a handful of times before gulping so loudly that it seemed to echo around the bathroom walls.

The silence stretched out, a rare awkwardness between the two of them settling as Elliot furiously rubbed at his eyebrow the same way he did whenever he was in a stressful situation.

Olivia wasn't going to back down, there was no way he was leaving before he answered her question. It was as if she was torturing herself, expecting some kind of declaration of love to fall from his lips when it reality it would be more likely for him to say he felt sorry for her but something niggled in the back of her mind. The tender way his hands had touched her face, the unrushed way he had drawn her closer as though savouring the lead up like he was memorising the pout of her lips or the way her eyes fluttered shut.

Maybe it was wishful thinking or maybe her instincts were right again.

"I don't think you're ready to hear the answer to that question." The words were spoken so softly that had the room not been so silent, Olivia was sure she wouldn't have been able to hear them. But she did. Loud and clear.

Heartbeat thundering so loudly in her ears that Olivia could hardly manage to gather her own thoughts, the woman heard Elliot's words whirling around her mind like a record stuck on repeat. Over and over again.

Elliot was the first to give in, the first to look away as his eyes dropped to the empty glass lying by his side while fingertips lightly traced along the rim of the glass.

It wasn't until Elliot shifted his hand, his wedding ring glinting harshly that Olivia came to the realisation that maybe neither of them would ever be ready for the reality of what exactly it was that had been bubbling under the surface for god knows how long now.

Heart wrenching as it was, Olivia knew she could never allow Elliot to leave his wife and kids behind, she could never be a homewrecker. No matter how much Olivia wished things were different, the harsh reality was that they weren't. The crushing feeling in her chest that had started from the very first smile Elliot had offered her, the feeling that had only felt heavier and heavier as each day went by had never felt as painful as it did right now as she looked across at Elliot and gazed into his eyes.

"I'm going to bed. You're welcome to stay on the couch." It took everything in Olivia to choke the words out, killing her inside to dismiss the conversation that was sure to cause explosions in both their lives.

The selfish part of Olivia that wanted to grab Elliot's hand in her own, guide him toward her bedroom and burrow herself into his arms had to stand to the side that knew nothing good could come of being so close to him when it would turn into something more. The temptation now knowing how it felt to have Elliot's lips against her own, to drag him in right now was almost overwhelming.

It only made it worse as Olivia saw the flash of hurt in his eyes at her words, the signal to finish the conversation that she had started and he had only offered a warning that she was walking into a minefield. Elliot had warned her and now she was heeding the warning but it didn't help to soften the blow to either of their hearts it seemed. Olivia could read between the lines, made a living out of listening to the unspoken words written across peoples faces and the vague comments but Elliot's couldn't have been any clearer.

Lifting her hand up quickly to brush away the stray tears that had managed to escape despite doing everything in her not to cry again, Olivia couldn't bear to look at Elliot anymore and so made short work of pushing herself up off the bathroom floor.

Olivia made her way toward the door, avoiding looking at Elliot as he hung his head low but didn't make it past him as his hand reached out to gently grasp at her unbandaged wrist. Hauling himself up from the floor, his knees cracking slightly, Elliot's chest was more or less pressed up against her arm. Breath hitching ever so slightly at the contact that had a shiver running straight up her spine, Olivia turned her head ever so slightly toward the dark haired man.

"Tell me this won't change things Liv. I can't lose my best friend." Olivia could only close her eyes to stop the onslaught of tears that wanted to race down her cheeks as Elliot's hand never wavered from it's gentle grip.

Taking a deep breath, Olivia opened her eyes and was met with an expression that Olivia had rarely ever seen cross Elliot's face before. Desperation, pure and utter desperation as he watched her for even the slightest of responses.

Ignoring the pain that throbbed in her palm, Olivia raised her bandaged hand to rest against Elliot's cheek, the bandage catching ever so slightly against his stubble.

"Nothing's going to change. I promise." It was a terrible promise to make, not sure how long she would be able to stomach looking across her desk at the man she was in love with while he continued to wear his wedding ring, knowing how perfect it felt to have him the way she had not even ten minutes ago.

But Olivia couldn't help herself from making the promise, reassuring Elliot that they would carry on living in limbo with one another. Only now they knew how it felt to kiss each other, how it felt to brush their fingers across bare skin. It was intoxicating, in the most delicious of ways but it couldn't happen again. It couldn't.

Olivia didn't know how on Earth they were going to do it, how they were supposed to act like nothing had happened especially when they had to work around a group of nosy detectives everyday but if it meant being able to keep Elliot as her partner by her side everyday she was going to have to suck it up and find a way. Olivia had lost enough in her life and Elliot, she couldn't lose him anymore than he could lose her.

"I'll go and grab you a pillow and blanket." Elliot's head nodded against her hand and rather than continue being overwhelmed by his presence, his aftershave floating up into her senses and his piercing eyes never straying from hers, Olivia finally trudged past him toward her bedroom.

-/-/-/-/

Glancing across his desk, Elliot couldn't help but shake his head and let out a chuckle under his breath, the action gaining Olivia's attention as the brunette only smirked in response.

The argument that had ensued when Elliot had tried to slip out of Olivia's apartment early that morning, a glass of water and painkillers left on the side for the woman but he didn't get very far. Dressed and ready for work, Olivia refused to be left at home and insisted he take her with him. A refusal followed but after Olivia's threats to take the subway or a cab Elliot had relented and had acted as chauffeur to the brunette to the precinct where he was going to make it clear to Cragen that Olivia needed to be on desk duty. With no exceptions.

Part of Elliot was pleased that despite what had happened the night before they were still cracking jokes at each other's expense, Olivia still shoving his shoulder lightly when he rolled his eyes in her direction. The other part yearned to grasp Olivia, drag her back to her apartment and kiss her until they were gasping for air. The latter wasn't an option, didn't seem like it ever would be ever again and Elliot was going to have to come to terms with that, even if it was slowly killing him inside as she smiled over at him.

Elliot had barely managed to get more than ten minutes sleep when Olivia had left him alone in the living room, retreating through to her own bedroom with a soft smile and a quiet 'good night' whispered under her breath.

As Elliot had laid awake, he could hear Olivia tossing and turning in her bedroom, the silence of the apartment making it easy to hear her movements. Elliot had lost count of the number of times he moved to get up from the couch but changed his mind, afraid of making Olivia uncomfortable with his presence anywhere near her private space. It was enough that Olivia had let him stay after what had happened, the man so sure she was going to chuck him out but inwardly releasing a sigh of relief that she allowed him to stay.

Thankfully it was seeming like it was going to be a day filled with paperwork, Olivia now on desk duty for the next week or so, Elliot able to watch over the brunette who was currently tapping her pen lightly against the desk as she brushed her hair out of her face.

Elliot couldn't resist watching how Olivia lightly bit her bottom lip as her eyes scanned the piece of paper in front of her intently, dark brown eyes that had held so much pain the night before.

Only just managing to look away before Olivia's eyes glanced up, Elliot could feel his cheeks burning as he felt the dark haired woman staring at him. Like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, Elliot could feel the embarrassment flooding through him but kept himself busy filling in the paperwork.

It wasn't for another hour before the two looked at each other, Elliot's stomach growling loudly signalling lunch time had a loud snort coming from Olivia.

"Shut it Benson." Elliot grumbled, Olivia only scoffing before chucking her pen down on the desk, stretching her one good arm up and over her head.

Eyes darting down to the sliver of skin that was now on show after her top riding up, Elliot cleared his throat before quickly diverted his attention toward grabbing his coat from the rack behind Olivia.

"It's my turn to pay El." Olivia winced slightly as she tried to brace herself up from the desk with her injured hand, Elliot reaching out to grasp her shoulder before he could second think his actions.

Olivia tensed ever so slightly under his touch but as soon as he went to take his hand back, afraid he had crossed some unwritten boundary, the brunette's hand came up to rest over his offering a soft squeeze. Warmth, flooding through his body as he watched Olivia tilt her head up to meet his eyes before offering a soft gentle smile. Breathtakingly beautiful and even that didn't begin to describe how gorgeous Olivia was.

Kathy and Olivia couldn't be any more different if they tried. Where Kathy was soft and smooth around the edges, Olivia was dark and jagged. Elliot had wondered maybe that's where it had begun, maybe the attraction was because he was attracted to the idea of something completely different but it soon became apparent it was more than a simple attraction.

At first, Elliot hadn't been sure what to make of the quiet woman who had walked into the precinct over two years ago. Until she had saved his ass and made sure he made it home in time for dinner as much as was humanly possible, forever taking on more work so he could spend time with his family.

Selfless, through and through. Olivia was a hard person to gauge at times, a woman dropping in mystery and to Elliot it made him all the more determined to figure her out. What he didn't expect was to fall for her along the way and now he was drowning, dragged in deep before he could truly realize what had happened. And now he didn't want to be saved, he wanted to drown in everything that was Olivia.

Elliot had always struggled to talk, growing up in an environment where screaming and shouting was the most common form of communication he never knew how to speak out in fear of irritating the situation and making things worse. Olivia, she understood it, the need for a little space before he could open up about something and that in itself was something he had never experienced before. Kathy, she poked and prodded until eventually he relented but with Olivia it was easy, as natural as taking a breath of fresh air. That's exactly what Olivia was, a breath of fresh air that he had been searching for his whole life.

Olivia seemed to relent to Elliot's stare down, clearly realising that he wasn't going to back down on buying lunch she could only let out a half hearted grumble.

"An extra large coffee today El." Olivia murmured under her breath, Elliot nodding along to her order as he shrugged on his jacket and scarf.

Elliot was glad Munch and Jeffries were out following up on a case of theirs and he was sure Olivia shared the same thoughts, not needing any extra stress on top of what had already happened in the last twenty four hours.

"I'll be back in half an hour. Call if you need anything." With one final squeeze on Olivia's shoulder, Elliot slipped his mobile into his jacket picked before striding out of the squadroom headed straight for Olivia's favourite deli.

-/-/-/-/-/

Slipping out of the sedan, Elliot glanced down at his watch and was glad to see he had managed to make it back to the precinct in under half an hour considering the lunch time traffic that usually meant Olivia grouching at finishing her coffee before they got back to the precinct.

Elliot only ever rolled his eyes as she tried sneaking sips of his from the middle console thinking he didn't notice. Even going as far as to start putting an extra sugar in his coffee just the way she liked it, the first day she had noticed the change she lifted her eyebrow in his direction and all he could do was shrug, acting oblivious to her questioning eyes.

Inwardly he realised just how desperate he was to make Olivia happy and instantly felt he guilt bubble up inside as he wondered when the last time he had done something so sweet for Kathy but it didn't stop him from adding the sugar everyday just to see the smile tug at Olivia's lips.

As much as Elliot complained about Olivia stealing his coffee, he secretly enjoyed the way they were so comfortable around each other. Kathy absolutely loathed it when he drank from her cup or stole food from her plate and so the very first time he had reached over for a bite of Olivia's apple slices he had expected the same reaction however the brunette only told him to help himself as she helped herself to a handful of his potato crisps. Now they subconsciously handed each other part of their lunch that they knew the other enjoyed and the more Elliot thought about it the more he realised exactly why people looked at them with probing eyes.

Like a married couple, a daily routine of making perfect cups of coffee for each other or going out to grab lunch without even having to ask what they wanted.

Cardboard coffee holder in one hand with the requested extra large for Olivia and a couple of deli sandwiches in the other, Elliot thanked the uni who held the precinct door open for him as he slid in through the front door. Headed toward the elevator intent on delivering Olivia with a still hot coffee and sandwich which was sure to bring a little more colour into her cheeks, Elliot stopped short as a voice sounded out behind him.

"Detective Stabler?" Turning around at the voice, Elliot smiled softly at the police uni behind the precinct front desk who had so often done himself and Olivia many favours over the past few months.

If there was one thing Olivia loved to do, it was make conversation with the younger woman sporting police uniforms, the rookies who were fresh faced and still a little nervy, a little word of encouragement could go a long way was what she had always told him whenever he commented on it. Elliot often wondered if there was someone out there, maybe another police officer who had done the same for her but he had never asked.

One thing was clear about the blonde woman behind the desk and that was how much she respected Olivia, always asking about her cases while Olivia offered little nuggets of advice that the younger officer ate up. It was one of the things that made Olivia so lovable, her kind and considerate nature when all she had ever received as a child was vile words and neglect. And yet she had still grown up to be the amazing woman who he got to stand beside every day.

Approaching the desk, the man placed the food and drinks down on the counter as he watched the blonde woman motion for him to come closer so she could speak with him. Instantly Elliot's gut twisted, glancing around the lobby area for any signs of danger before leaning in so the woman could speak quietly so only he could hear.

"Your partner Detective Benson, her Mother arrived at the station around ten minutes ago and before I could turn her away Olivia arrived down here. They went into that meeting room and I wouldn't normally want to get involved but her Mother was pretty intoxicated, started shouting the odds before they went in." Elliot could feel the vein at the side of his temple begin to pulsate, his first curling against the lip of the counter so hard his knuckles were sheer white and yet he knew he had to control himself. The last thing he needed was going in all guns blazing, drawing attention to the situation especially with the number of patrol men and detectives floating around the lobby and so all Elliot did was plaster on a smile and mutter a quiet 'thank you' before abandoning the lunch at the front desk.

Striding toward the meeting room that the young officer had tilted her head toward when she mentioned Olivia, Elliot could hear voices on the other side of the door as he placed his hand on the door handle ready to push it over. Elliot didn't know whether he was doing the right thing, even as close as they were, Olivia was so private where her family life was concerned and the man could understand it, had saw first hand the night before the damage Serena Benson could inflict upon her daughter. And so with the image of an inconsolable Olivia, stitched up forehead and bandaged arm flashing at the forefront of his mind Elliot pushed the door open.

-/-/-/-/

Thanks for reading! Hopefully it was worth it.