Dream Skewered
"Hermione, I just wanted to tell you, before it gets out some other way," said Harry, sitting beside her in his lab. "It turns out I'm gay."
She blinked. "Oh."
"I mean," said Harry. "It's not like I wasn't mentally prepared for this. I knew there would be a one in ten chance that I would have homosexual inclinations, and it turns out that I do."
Hermione took a deep breath. "Well, actually-"
"Hang on, you're gay?" asked Dean, who walked into the room, carrying a book.
"Yeah," said Harry. "It's not a big deal, but I thought I'd address it before it somehow got out into the open. I realized it after I kept having all those dreams about…well, about a certain person. I thought it was just suggestion from the tabloids at first, but I think after a month of dreams, I have to admit to myself that I'm probably at least bisexual."
"But…then, hang on," said Dean, frowning. "I wonder if that means I'm gay too. I've been having dreams about Seamus for a solid week now. And some of them aren't even anatomically possible."
"Me too!" cried Hermione. "Well, not about Seamus, but I've been having lots of dreams about people I would never actually sleep with."
"Like who?" asked Harry, with sudden interest.
"Well…Snape," said Hermione, blushing. "And Lucius Malfoy. And…umm…" she blushed even harder, speaking in a whisper. "Tom Riddle."
"Wait a minute, pause," said Harry, leaning almost entirely off his chair. "How—I mean—what could possibly appeal to you about them?"
She glanced back and forth at the two boys staring at her. "I mean…they're intelligent, confident, and have sort of a bad boy mystique-"
"And I suppose being at least two decades older than you adds to the charm?" added Harry, folding his arms. "Now, I know that attraction isn't entirely logical, but you never even see them, and I'm fairly confident and intelligent—"
"Wait—are you asking why I don't have dreams about you?" asked Hermione.
"Not…about me specifically," said Harry. "But why don't you have dreams that include members of the school? Statistically, proximity is what generates attraction, so when your brain is looking for a person to incorporate into a dream, it chooses people you see every day. Right, Dean?"
"Uhh," said Dean. "I don't know. I mean…sometimes that happens to me, but—"
"See, I knew I wasn't weird," said Harry. "It's perfectly normal to have dreams about all the girls at school, even if they're a bit older than you."
"All the girls?" asked Hermione. "You dream about a different girl every night?"
Harry ran a hand through his hair. "Sometimes…not in different dreams." He waved his hands. "Listen, I had the same reaction as you, Hermione, but it's totally not weird. Evolutionarily, men were evolved to be attracted to a variety of women, and so even in monogamous relationships, it's normal to-"
"Harry, I don't think your harem sex dreams compare to mine, okay?" said Hermione, crossing her arms. "Half the time I don't want to be sleeping with the person in question, but they force themselves on me, and it's supposed to be romantic somehow? I mean, do I WANT to be imagining myself sleeping with James Potter in his Animagus form? No, I do not."
Harry's mouth hung open, and there was just no chance a response would come into his head about that.
"Man, I'm telling you," said Dean, rubbing his head. "Some of these dreams are just weird, and not the normal kind of weird. Have you guys ever heard about omegas? Please tell me I didn't make that up myself."
"Hey guys," said Luna, walking in. "Are we talking about the gross dreams now? Good, because that's all Ravenclaw has been talking about, and I have some questions. First of all, why do you keep featuring in most of them, Harry, and do you have an Animagus form that likes to slobber on people?"
"Okay, this is getting ridiculous," said Harry, standing up. "Let's go talk to McGonagall."
"So, I see it's finally happened, though not quite in the way I expected," sighed McGonagall, folding her hands together. "They're not just dreams, children. They're alternate timelines."
"Alternate timelines?" asked Harry, shifting forward in his seat.
"Yes," said McGonagall. "You see, we live in one timeline, but an infinite number of realities exist. Some of the timelines are very similar to this one, but in others live people with very different lives. As impossible as it might seem, I believe those are the people you're seeing."
"Does that mean there's a reality where men can get pregnant?" asked Dean. "Or where everyone is gay, including the Hogwarts castle and the squid?"
"Err…I suppose that's possible," said McGonagall, gazing at him with some concern. "I hope you're not still worrying about the strange things that happened last year, Dean. We agreed to put that unfortunate time behind us."
"How long will we have to put up with these dreams, Headmistress?" groaned Hermione, head in her hands. "I don't know about these two, but I'm getting sick of them."
"Well," said McGonagall. "Aside from the unfortunate events of last year, there are only a few days per year where we can glimpse the other realities. That would be the days leading up to Halloween and April 1st."
As the trio made their way back to the lab, Hermione sighed, "Tomorrow is April 2nd, so I really hope tonight is the last time I have to worry about this nonsense."
"That's what I used to tell myself every day last year," grumbled Harry. "And then I woke up, and my bedroom was made of prisms."
"Was that what happened?" asked Dean. "I thought our rooms were turned into a landfill, and we were ruled over by a giant, sentient pile of trash?"
"You know," said Hermione slowly. "At some point, we really do have to talk about what happened last year."
"I don't know," said Harry, looking uncomfortable. "There's a reason it's called the Year-We-Don't-Speak-Of. I wager some of us still struggle from PTSD after what happened."
"Whatever," sighed Hermione. "I'll see you guys tomorrow. I'm going to go drink some caffeine and not fall asleep."
As Hermione walked away, Dean turned to Harry. "So, how much you want to bet she's going to ask someone else besides us?"
Harry chewed his lip. "I'm almost certain, but I really hope they have the foresight not to tell her about what happened on New Year's."
Author's Note: Okay, guys, so it's late but I had this idea and just had to. I bashed this out on the keyboard between work and doing more work at home. Hope it doesn't suck, but if it does, then stay tuned for regularly scheduled programming next week. Happy April Fools Day!
