I'm sorry if there are a lot of mistakes I proof read it but it's not my first language and I really wanted to upload it tonight so I was rushing a bit.
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Wednesday:
She put the stick down on the counter next to the sink before washing her hands. She took it from the counter again and leaned against the bathroom wall before slowly sliding down to sit on the ground. Her heart was racing and her palms were sweaty. 'please, please, please 'she begged in her mind. 5 minutes were over and the timer on her phone went off. She turned it off, took a deep breath and turned around the stick. „Positive". Oh hell no, this could not be happening right now. Tears started rolling down her cheeks. A baby? Now? It's been a hell of a year and she just got things slowly going back to normal. She was going back to normal. She had dealt with everything that had happened in therapy,she was back at work and she even made peace with Maya and stopped fighting her but now she was pregnant? She couldn't hold back the sobs any longer. How could this have happened, they were using protection but she still got pregnant. Well life really wanted to test her and just when things were going up she felt like god was laughing and piled some more on her. She had never even really thought about having a baby and her and Robert definitely never talked about it. She knew him and Claire were trying before she passed away, so maybe he wanted kids, but maybe he only wanted kids with Claire maybe he doesńt want to have kids with her. And anyway, did it really matter? She for sure did not want to have a baby, at least not right now. She just wanted to live her life again and work. She didńt know at all what she should do now and all the possibilities were running through her mind but she just didńt know, she needed some time to think about it. After a while she calmed down and got up from the floor. Robert had left earlier because he had to go by some stations this morning before heading into 19. Andy was running a little late now for shift so she hurried up.
She managed to arrive at the station on time and put a big smile on her face before going in hoping nobody would notice she had cried. During breakfast with the team she was quite but nobody seemed to notice and they were all in their conversations. Andy was back on Engine and they had a few calls this morning but nothing major. Around lunch time Robert came back to the Station and greeted everyone in the beanery while they were having lunch. He headed to his office then and started some work but he was expecting Andy to come in any second as she usually would when he came in later than her. But today she didn't come. After an hour or so Robert decided to see what she was up to as he knew they didn't have a call since lunch. Robert found her cleaning the Aid car.
R: „Hey babe, i thought you would come to my office but you didn't ."
A: „Uhm, yea... sorry. I'm just really busy and we didn't have much time for chores before lunch, so i still have a lot to do."
R: „Oh okey, It's all good. I just wanted to see my beautiful wife." he got closer to her and hugged her from behind placing a kiss on her neck but Andy slipped away.
A: „I really don't have time right now. I need to clean and ... do some more chores."
R: „ehm, okey. I'll be in my office." he could feel she was a little distant but maybe the morning had been stressful.
Andys thoughts were wandering all day but nobody seemed to notice. In the evening they got back from a call and she showered afterwards to get ready for some sleep when Robert came to the lockers.
R: „Hey, you wanna come over to my bunk?"
A: „I'm really tired, i just need some sleep Robert. I'm sorry."
R: „Uhm okey, but you can sleep in my bed. Andy?... Andy?" but she already went inside her own bunk and shut the door.
What was going on with her today he wondered but he decided not to push her more and wait to see how things would be the next morning. The next morning though Robert couldńt catch Andy during their shift though. She was on a call when he got up and when he had to leave for Station 23 she hadn't returned yet.
(Thursday)
When Andy got home after her shift she was glad Robert still seemed to be at work. She knew she had pushed him away and he sure had noticed and wanted to talk about it but she wasn't ready. She was scared of what his reaction would be when she told him she was pregnant but didn't want to keep the baby. The more she had been thinking about it during the last shift the more terrified she became. She wasn't cut out to be a mom, she didn't know how to and she didn't want to be, not right now and probably never. She decided to make a doctors appointment now before Robert would be home. She knew she would have to see a gynecologist before starting the process any way. Andy went upstairs for the call so Robert wouldn't hear her in case he came home now. When she was done she was heading downstairs and saw that Robert had come home already and he had just sat down on the couch. He turned towards her when he heard her coming down.
R: „Hey, Babe. I heard you were on the phone so i didn't want to disturb you but can we talk now?"
A: „Actually, i was just about to leave. We need some groceries so we can talk when i come back, okey?"
R: „Yea... sure." He was a little annoyed because she could have just went grocery shopping a little later and he wanted to know what was going on.
Andy took her time in the grocery store not even knowing what she was looking for but if she took long enough she wouldńt have a lot of time left before her appointment and she could just drop things off and leave again. She knew they had to talk but not yet. She just wasn't ready and she probably would never be.
A: „Hey i'm back. But i don't have much time i have an appointment in 20 minutes so i gotta leave right away."
R: „What appointment? Want me to come?"
A: „NO!" she said a little to loud and fast so she could see the confusion on his face. „Uhm i mean, that's not necessary. It's just the usual check up."
R: „Okey, but can we talk after?" Andy looked around trying to avoid his eyes.
A: „Yeah" and with that she left again. Robert couldn't shake the feeling that Andy was lying to him and that it wasn't just a normal check up and with her closing herself off like she had done since yesterday he was a little worried.
At the doctor:
D: „So how can i help you?"
A: „Uhm... I think i might be pregnant."
D: „Okey we can either do an ultrasound right now or if you would rather do a blood test first we could do that as well."
A: „Erm... Yea, a blood test is fine." She really didńt want to get an ultrasound because if she was really pregnant seeing it on the screen would probably break her and she wouldńt be able to handle that. The doctor drew her blood and said he would be back in a bit with the results. As soon as he left Andy got up from her seat and started pacing up and down the room. How the hell did she get here? Her thoughts were all over the place and she couldńt think clear anymore. She didn't notice how much time had passed but she got pulled back into reality when the door swung open and the doctor came back into the room. They both sat down and Andy couldn't stop fidgeting, her heart was racing and her palms were sweating. All she wanted was for that test she took yesterday morning to be wrong.
D: „Well Miss Herrera, congratulations you are pregnant."
Andy froze and she stared at the doctor. Her mind went blank over the fear she was feeling. The doctor seemingly couldńt read her facial expressions well.
D: „If you would like we can do an ultrasound right now." he said enthusiastically.
A: „No." Andy said loud and determined and just then the doctor realized that she wasn't just shocked, she was scared, that he could see now but not just how scared Andy was.
A: „I... I want an ... abortion." she said not so loud anymore.
D: „Uhm okey, there are certain steps we have to go through for you to have an abortion. I can see that you didn't expect to be pregnant, so why don't you come in let's say Monday and we will do an ultrasound to determine how far along you are and we can talk about possible next steps than."
A: „Okey, thank you." Andy wasn't happy with that but she had no strength to fight him and she knew very well it wouldn't change anything. This doctor would follow the rules no matter how much she didn't want him to.
R: „Hey, you are back. I made some dinner and then we can talk."
A: „Okey." her whole body felt heavy when she walked over to the table and sat down in front of the plate Robert had set down for her.
R: „So what is going on? Yoúve been pushing me away and you looked nervous when you left for that 'check up'."
Andy moved her fork around the plate but was too nervous to eat anything. She took a deep breath before she started to speak.
A: „It wasn't just a check up. I'm sorry i lied."
R: „Well I figured, but what was it then?"
They sat across each other in silent for a few seconds. She could feel him looking at her waiting for an answer while she was looking down at the food.
R: „Please, you can talk to me."
A: „I'm pregnant." she said so quiet she wasn't sure if he had heard her at all. Her whole body was tense and she couldn't dare to look at him, too scared of his reaction because she was pretty sure he wanted this.
R: „You... you are pregnant." he said while his face turned into the biggest smile. And when Andy looked up and saw how excited he was she dropped her fork and started crying. Roberts smile faded instantly and he hurried around the table turned Andys stool and kneed infront of her.
R: „Andy, what's wrong?" he said while moving her chin up with his hand so she would look at him.
A: „I... I'm sorry Robert." she said sobbing.
R: „About what?"
A: „I don't wanna have a baby." and with that any light in his eyes faded away and he moved his hand away from Andys chin.
A: „I'm really sorry. I know you want this but I... I'm not ready for this." Robert moved away from her and sat down at the couch. Andys heart was breaking, she didn't want to disappoint him like this and she was scared he would leave her but just the thought of being pregnant freaked her out.
R: „Come here." he patted on the couch next to him. Andy got up and slowly walked over to sit on the couch, she left quite some space between the two of them.
R: „Come closer, I wanna hold my wife."
A: „Are u sure?"
R: „Of course I am sure, what are you talking about?"
A: „Aren't you mad at me?"
R: „I'm not mad. I wanna talk. I wanna understand." he put her hand on his and she moved closer to him.
R: „Can you explain me why you don't want to have a baby?"
A: „I'm just not ready for it Robert. I'm not a mom, i don't know how to be a mom. I know I wouldn't be a good mom."
R: „Andy, I think you would be a great mom."
A: „No, i would mess everything up."
R: „So are you sure you really don't want this baby or are you scared? Because everyone gets scared Andy. I'm scared too and I'll mess up too, but all parents do. Ours did too but that doesn't mean they are bad parents."
Andy didn't know what to say because she really didn't have an answer to his question.
R: „If you are sure you don't want this baby, than i will be by your side every step of the way Andy but you gotta be sure and i don't think you are right now but you are not alone in this babe." He said and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead.
A: „I'm not sure about anything any more." Robert pulled her into a hug and it made her feel safe. Knowing that she wouldn't have to go trough it by herself, that he would still be by her side gave her comfort but everything he had said seems to make so much sense.
Friday:
Andy was running around downstairs grabbing everything she needed for her overnight shift.
R: „Andy, Why don't you call in sick?"
A: „Because I'm not sick."
R: „You barely slept last night, i noticed you were turning every few minutes in bed and i think you need some time to think about everything to let it sink in."
A: „Oh it has sunken in." she said a little angry standing in the already open door before she shut it loudly behind her and headed into work.
When she got to the station she stormed in passing Vic, Maya and Dean who were standing by the reception.
Dean: „Well good morning to you too." he said as they all looked after Andy who hadn't even stopped and just sprinted up the stairs heading to her locker.
Maya: „Uhm... I'm gonna go talk to her."
Maya: „Andy? Do you have a second?"
Andy: „What?" she said angry.
Maya: „Did I do something?" she said a little irritated.
And only now Andy looked at Maya seeing the confusion in her face.
Andy: „No, I'm sorry... it's juts ... one of these days, you know." she wasn't planning on letting anyone in on her secret. Not now, not ever. Except... if she would keep the baby she had to. She had to tell everyone, she would have to be on desk duty and she would have to be on maternity leave. All things she didn't want to have to do but something wasny the same anymore, not since she had told Robert and he had held her close.
Maya: „Yea, one of those days. But listen, you know we have to be focused on calls and if you can't be today, i can put you on desk duty." she said cautiously, knowing Andy hated desk duty like they all did.
Andy: „Uhm..." she took a moment to think. „Yea, I'll work the reception." she hated not going out on calls with the team but she knew Maya was right and maybe that would give her some time to think about it.
It was past midnight and Andy was laying in bed in her bunk, she couldn't fall asleep so she stared up at the ceiling. The baby was all she could think about. She couldn't shake the thought that she had agreed to desk duty to protect the little life growing inside of her but why did she feel the need to protect the baby when she didn't even want it? She slowly placed her handy on her stomach. It felt like always but then again it didn't. She couldn't wrap her head around it and tears were escaping her eyes again. She didńt fight them back, she was so scared and overwhelmed she didńt have any strength left to fight the tears that were now streaming down her face and she just laid in the dark room sobbing quietly. She was lost and she didn't know what she wanted, she couldn't make up her mind. For the most part she had been so sure that she wanted to have an abortion but every now and then different thoughts swept her mind. Filling her with something else besides her panic and fear and she couldn't help but feeling some excitement and love for this little life. But she didn't want to love this baby, she wanted this to be done, she wished she never got pregnant, never got faced with this impossible decision. Robert was so excited and he had told her he would be there for her no matter what but she felt so lonely in her bunk. Still sobbing she got her phone from the night stand and called Robert, she didńt want to talk she just didn't want to be alone anymore. When Robert picked up the phone all he could here was Andy sobbing.
R: „Andy? Are you okey? Did something happen?"
A: „I... I'm fine can we just not talk please?" she said with a thin voice that was filled with pain.
R: „I can come over to the station if you want." his heart was breaking at the sound of her frail voice.
A: „No, it's alright. Just stay on the phone."
R: „Okey, I'm right here."
Andy just kept her phone to her ear, listening to him breathing while she felt like the weight of the world was crushing her and she could feel all of her pain in her chest. It was a whole body ache.
When the sobs stopped and her breathing got slower too Robert thought she must have fallen asleep. He wanted to be with her so bad but she had asked him not to come and he just tried listening to what she needed right now. After more minutes he was sure she was asleep and he could have hung up the phone but he didn't want to leave her and kept the phone to his ear as he turned around in bed to get some sleep himself.
Saturday:
R: „Andy, please! We need to talk about this!"
A: „There is nothing to talk about okey? I need to figure this out on my own."
R: „No. No you don't. You are my wife and this is our baby. YOu can talk to me about it. You need to talk about this to someone, please don't keep it bottled up inside."
A: „So are you saying this isn't my decision to make because it's your baby too? THIS IS MY BODY!"
R: „No I didn't say that and i didn't mean it like that but I want you to be sure about this, about your decision and if you can't even talk to me about it I don't believe that you made up your mind."
A: „so what do you wanna hear?"
R: „I just wanna know what you are thinking Andy. How are you feeling about this baby. Our baby."
A: „I..." she paused, catching a breath after their screaming match and trying to come up with an answer but she didńt have one. Not anymore. They hadn't talked about it since she told him, Robert had tried multiple times but she couldn't talk about it and blocked him off. Andy had felt the frustration building up inside of him but a thousand thoughts were running through her mind at all times, leaving her unable to think it all through slowly.
A; „I am thinking about it a lot okey. Honestly i don't think about anything else anymore, but i just... I don't know. I really don't ." she said with a shaky voice while her shaking hands were fidgeting with a hair tie she had around her wrist.
Robert didn't answer and just carefully pulled her close into his arms and that was all she needed right now. Feeling the warmth of his body and smelling him calmed her a little. For the last days she had even felt like there was a massive brick wall crushing her down but now it was as if he had taken just a few bricks from her with that hug. A few bricks might not seem like that much but maybe it was just the exact amount that needed to be taken off of her so she would be able to breath again.
Monday:
A: „Robert, I have an appointment today and I thought... maybe... uhm... no it's all good. Never mind."
R: „You want me to come?"
A: „No it's fine you dońt have to. I can do this alone."
R: „Andy." He walked over to her and took her small hands in his looking straight into her eyes. „I want to come. I said you are not alone in this and i meant it." And for the first time in day, Andy could look into his eyes as well. It felt safe again.
A: „They need to do an ultrasound today before we... before I take any next steps."
R: „Okey. I'll get ready and we will go together. I'm not gonna let you do this all on your own."
At the doctors
D: „We need to do this ultrasound today to determine how far along you are before you make a decision next week. If you wanna go through with the abortion we will do another ultrasound right before the procedure. Okey so the gel might be a little cold." When he started the ultrasound Andy reached for Roberts hand. She still wasn't sure what she wanted to do but as she waited for the doctor to say something she got nervous. She was worried. Worried that the baby wasńt alright.
D: „You wanna see the baby?"
Without looking to RObert she nodded instantly and the doctor turned the screen and turned up the volume up. And there it was. Their little baby on the screen and the sound of the heartbeat.
D: „Looks like you are at 9 weeks."
A few tears rolled down Andy's cheek.
D: „Well we are all done here, I'll give you two a few minutes." he said and left them alone.
Andy sat up and couldn't take her eyes off the screen where she could still see the image of her baby.
R: „Babe are you okay?"
A: „I'm ... I... That's our baby." and she started smiling.
R: „It is babe." His smile turned bigger when he saw her smile. Did it mean she wanted this baby too?
A: „I... I wanna keep it."
R: „Really?"
A: „Yeah" she looked into his eyes and could see how happy he was and she was too. She hadn't made this decision for him but when she saw their baby and heard the heartbeat she couldn't help but fall in love with the little one.
Coming home:
R: „So we are having a baby." he said grinning.
A: „I guess so." she said with a little laugh.
Robert pulled her into a hug and rested his head against hers.
R: „I'm really glad you want this too but you know i would have loved you no matter what decision you made right?"
A: „Yes babe. I'm still really scared but i know we will be fine together."
R: „We will, I promise." and before she could say anything else he started kissing her. Within seconds their kiss grew more passionately. They broke a part to catch their breath.
A: „Well, Maybe we should celebrate." and bit on her lip and looked at Robert who very well knew what she was trying to say.
2 Months later:
Andy was on the phone with Robert when she made her way out their front door. By now she had a little baby bump that she couldn't be prouder of. She still worried about thousands of things but the excitement was growing with every single day that passed.
A: „I'm leaving the house now, so i should be there in about twenty minutes."
Andy was only working reception but when she had an off day and her husband didn't she liked to go by the station an have lunch with him. When she got in the car she put her phone on speaker and placed it in its holder. They kept talking during her drive to the station.
R: „So, Everyone already placed a bet on wether its gonna be a girl or a boy."
A: „Of course they did." rolling her eyes a bit but laughing at the same time. „They just can't stop with the bets."
R: „Well just so you know, i bet it's gonna be a girl."
A: „You bet too?" she said with a laugh.
R: „Yea, i got a strong feeling it's gonna be a girl so..."
A: „Well, I actually think it's gonna be a" and all Robert could hear was tires squeaking and a loud boom. He didn't say a word, he couldn't . All he could feel was fear rising within him as his world got crushed within seconds.
When she woke up she wasn't sure where she was. Everything around her was a bright light and in the distance she heard a voice that sounded familiar but she couldn't say whose voice it was.
R: „Andy? Andy, are you awake?" she could hear him but his voice still sounded so far away. As her surroundings became clearer to her, the bright light slowly faded and she noticed it was a hospital room. She wanted to shoot out of the bed but she couldńt get up very far before the pain rushing through her stomach and her whole body made her cry out and fall back to the bed.
R: „Please don't try to get up Andy. You were in a car accident do you remember?"
Andy didn't remember at first but within a few seconds memories from the accident came flushing back through her mind ad she nodded slowly. She turned her head towards Robert, she didn't want to ask him but with the stomach pain she was feeling and the way he looked at her, his eyes told her everything she needed to know in that moment and her heart got shattered into pieces as she started letting the tears flow.
A: „The baby... it... did our baby die?" she said with sobs between each word. She already knew the answers but she needed to hear it from him. Robert couldńt say it, he didn't want to. He had cried, yelled and thrown around stuff in a supply closet with Amelia guarding the door after they came to the waiting room to tell him the that they couldn't save their baby while Andy was still critical and in surgery. He felt the ache deep inside while he held Andys hand waiting for her to wake up and he didn't want her to be in the same pain, all he wanted was to take her pain on as well so she could be in peace and recover from her injuries but now he saw in her eyes that she had to hear it.
R: „Yes." he barely got out this one word and his voice was crumbling and he too couldńt hold back a few tears. He was trying to hold them all in and to be strong for Andy, who now was crying like he had never seen her before and he couldńt comfort her like before. She Was crying out over the loss and rolled from one side to another trying to just get away from it all.
R: „Andy please, you need to calm down. You just had surgery." he begged her while he couldn't hold back the tears at all anymore, seeing Andys pain and feeling his own overwhelmed him. Her heart monitor started beeping and nurses came running in before he could do anything to calm her.
Nurse 1: „Mrs. Herrera you need to lay still, you had a big surgery and your wound started bleeding again, we need to redress it."
But Andy couldn't , she felt like once she laid still she would be drowning. In the beginning she had been so scared of having a baby that she wanted to have An abortion but once she saw the little life growing insider of her and heard the heartbeat she had been in love. She had felt a love like she never had before and that was only growing with each day that passed and she was ready to do anything to protect this little life but she hadn't. She had gotten into the car and she had an accident. She failed to protect their baby and now their baby was dead because of her. She could hear the voices of the nurses trying to calm her down and she could hear a few single words from Robert in between, trying to assure her that they will get through this loss but all those voices seemed far away and dull and she couldn't listen close enough to understand everything, and she couldn't do as she was told, she couldn't stop moving. All she wanted was to get away and she was fighting to get out of this bed even though she was in so much pain from the surgery.
Nurse 2: „We have to sedate her. NOW."
And Andy couldn't get up she was held down by nurses and then a warm feeling flushed through her body, she couldn't help it and her eyes slowly closed as she driftet off into nothing.
Robert saw her drifting away and he was able to catch a breath now. He hadńt noticed it but while watching Andy cry in her pain of losing a baby and the nurses trying to hold her still he had held his breath but now he could breath again knowing that she was free of the pain for now. But they couldn't protect her from the pain forever but he would always try his best. He carefully moved her body over a little in the bed, making sure all cables and IVs were out of his way before he got right next to her putting one arm around her and talking her hand with other. Being held in his arms had always calmed her down and helped her relax and he was hoping it still would.
When Andy woke up she had trouble remembering what had happened. She knew she had been in an accident and that she was at the hospital but what else had happened after she woke up. But than Andy remembered and with the pain that flooded her entire body again, tears started to make their way down her cheeks and Robert carefully wiped them away. He had held her all night wanting her to feel safe during the night and when she woke up, letting her know she wasńt alone, that they were in this together.
R: „We will be okey." he wispered and when Andy slowly nodded with small movements he knew that he was actually right and hadn't been telling himself and his wife lies. It would take them a while and they would never forget their beautiful baby.
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I do not have any experience with any of this personally and my knowledge about it is limited so i hope this isn't offensive in any way to anyone who has suffered a loss
