Well. Here we go.
Jimmy's POV
"You're, I can honestly say, the best love story I know. You've given me something to look forward to and expect and I am so grateful for that. And thank you as well for letting me be a part of your special day. I love you both very much and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for you. Congratulations."
It was really hard to look at her while she was saying any of that.
It didn't help that I was sitting directly in front of Cindy either. But seeing as we were Sheen and Libby's Best Man and Maid of Honor and this was their wedding reception, I knew better than to say anything about the seating arrangements.
As the applause from our small group died down and Cindy took her seat, I tried my hardest not to look at her. I knew doing so would not only bring back memories, but every emotion that was felt as well.
"So who else is going again?" I asked, trying not to rub my temples together for the nth time.
"I told you," Cindy spoke patiently although it sounded faraway since I knew I was on speakerphone. "It's me, Sonia, and the two girls that live across from us. I've mentioned them before, Meg and Tess. Remember?"
"Right," I spoke although I didn't remember. "You know, you still haven't sent me the address to the hotel you're staying at." Even though I knew her phone was placed down on her bed as she was packing, I could still hear the frustrated sigh.
"You're serious about that?"
"Well, yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Don't you think that's a little,,, unnecessary? I mean, my parents haven't even asked for specific details."
"Doesn't mean you shouldn't tell them." After a beat, which I knew she was using to roll her eyes at me, she spoke again.
"I'll ask Sonia when she gets back from class. I don't have the information on me right now."
"Fine," I answered, internally knowing she wouldn't do it.
This is yet another reason why I am against Cindy going away for spring break with her friends.
She first brought it up back in January, shortly after returning to school from the holiday break. Since their planning was still in the very preliminary stages, I didn't worry too much about it, figuring they may not even end up going. So it sure took me by surprise when Cindy confirmed their plans to me about three weeks ago. Admittingly, all I've done since then is interrogate her about it. But I don't think it's wrong of me to be overly concerned.
I'm fully aware that Cindy has already gone on vacation alone with a friend (although it's as painful for me now as it was the first time). But now it's different. Spring break as a college student is not just any vacation and Cindy is smart enough to know that.
I know better than to say anything. Due to how excited and carefree she spoke about it, I don't believe it has even occurred to her how I, her boyfriend who will be nearly 1,500 miles away while she's in Miami, feel about it. She hasn't spoken a word regarding it, so I've come to the conclusion that she truly hasn't given it a thought or that she simply doesn't care.
To hint that I was going to be concerned, last week I politely asked her to let me know the address, or at the very least, the name of the hotel she and her friends would be staying at. Boyfriend or not, I don't think it was too much of a request. It's really for her own safety, after all.
A little while back, I did consider surprising her with news of my own fake spring break getaway to see how she likes it. Since mine takes place the week after hers, it would be great timing. Realizing that would be far too petty, I decided against it. Also, since college-aged guys are a culture on their own, I may not be the best example to represent them. I just hoped that Cindy would be able to look out for herself.
Her spring break didn't go nearly as… dramatic as I anticipated. And so even with me uneventfully staying on campus over my break, I didn't have anything to worry about.
Since there was no time difference, our communication schedule stayed the same. Of course, there was the exception of a phone call at 2:30 AM. It was that phone call and the reason behind it being so late, that caused an inner alarm to go off.
I'm not an idiot so, of course, I knew she would be drinking. I knew asking her to be safe and careful would be easier said than done. So naturally, when I got that call, I immediately freaked out. I'm proud to say that I hid it extremely well and once I realized it was just a drunk phone call, I was able to play along. Everything seemed fine until she, out of the blue, apologized.
It was the first time she mentioned anything about how I felt regarding the trip. And it happened over the phone, nearly 1,500 miles away, at 2:30 in the morning, while she was drunk.
But at least she said something.
It took me enough by surprise that when she actually spoke her apology, I didn't even know what she was talking about. She then, completely on her own, said that she knew I wouldn't be happy. A lot rushed through my head at that moment. I thought that maybe our connection went bad and since she's mumbling anyway, I simply misheard her. Pushing my own feelings aside and definitely not wanting to get into an argument right now, I answered what I knew she wanted to hear.
We didn't speak about that phone call for the rest of the trip. She also, as I suspected, didn't apologize again. As the days passed, I got more and more angry about it but just kept it to myself. As upset as I was, I didn't think it would be a good idea for me to say anything while she was on vacation.
But later, on the day that she got back, when she had returned to her dorm, I couldn't take it any longer.
It culminated in what I believe to be our worst fight yet.
Her screaming and telling me to fuck off and abruptly hanging up the phone was essentially the way I began my spring break. We didn't talk or communicate at all for nearly two weeks. Surprisingly, she's the one that called me and while it took her some time to get there, she apologized. But as I expected, she only apologized for her outburst and getting mad (even though I have more of a reason to be) and not for being so… casual about everything regarding Miami which is what started this whole thing.
She did go as far to say that she understood why I was angry and mentioned that she tried to see things from my perspective. For the time being, that was good enough for me.
In a way, our behaviors about this situation reminded me of Switzerland. That trip sure didn't go as I had hoped, but oddly enough, it did go as I anticipated.
I don't consider myself to be a pro at romantic gestures, but I was sure this one, surprising her with a free trip to Switzerland for the New Year, was foolproof. I had no doubt she would be into it, especially because it would be our first time spending the holidays together as a couple. As something she was always subtly reminding me about and that never left my mind, I knew it would be a good idea.
So when she ran off after realizing that we were also here for the solar eclipse, my heart sunk.
I still had a job to do, so as much as I wanted to run after her, I really couldn't.
After I interviewed a few people using the built-in translator on my watch and recording more observations, I headed back to our hotel room, knowing it was really the only place she could be.
What followed was a conversation I didn't want to have but one that would have to happen if we were going to move on from that. We couldn't exactly spend the rest of the vacation, in a European country no less, not speaking to each other.
But it was useful since I never would have learned about certain things had we not discussed it then.
I assumed she was going to go home for the holidays, mainly because she hadn't mentioned doing anything else. And while I know that's important to her, I didn't even give it a second thought when I asked if she wanted to go on this trip. I also, I realized, didn't make it seem like she had a choice. It was a brief invitation and her acceptance was even quicker. Still, if she didn't want to or if she simply preferred to go home, she could have said something. However, this was kind of a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I hope she took that into consideration.
But I can't say I agreed when she said that we would not have seen each other for another few months if we hadn't gone to Switzerland. I mean, sure, our schedules were packed at that time, as they usually were. But we were searching ahead for a weekend in which one of us would be available to visit the other. We could have made it work. We had for a while.
And that's why nothing threw me off more than when she said that she will live without me if she has to.
It didn't make any sense.
Why did she say that? Even if she felt that way, she can't say things like that. And if it was spur of the moment, she still could have taken a second to choose her words better. Because I don't think she fully understood what that statement implied.
To me, it suggested that Cindy was off living her life as if I wasn't in it. What exactly that entailed, I don't want to know or think about. The only real consolation I had that she still considered me to be a priority was that we were maintaining our communication schedule. There was also the fact that she never seemed like she was speaking to me out of obligation and that it's because she wanted to.
Then again, once you pick up a routine, it becomes so much easier to just go with the motions.
I didn't, obviously, say any of this to her. Both because it would have started a huge argument and since I'm the reason she got mad in Switzerland, I took it as a chance to see what else was bothering her. Or, even better, what else she would admit.
But I do regret not speaking up then, because, although I didn't realize it at the time, I wouldn't have another chance to. I also didn't want to have to bring it up later and hurt her.
Even though I hope she regrets it, I will never forget her saying that. I regarded it to be the closest thing she could have said that would have lead to a break up.
Until, of course, I did it.
Breaking up with Cindy was not something I had been considering for a while but once I had the idea in my head, it was hard to let go of.
Unfortunately, it turned out that the reasons we shouldn't be together far outweighed why we should. Our love for each other can only be so strong.
It takes very little attention to notice the frequency of our arguments. I can't even recall the last time we saw each other after a long period of time that didn't end or include, at some point, a dispute. If there is one, it definitely must have been before each one of us moved away to school.
I might have felt differently about it if our fights were only limited to when we meet in person, but we both know that's far from true. If anything, our arguments over the phone were worse since we were not able to see each other's body language and facial expressions, so there was no way of knowing how much we were really holding back. To add to that, there was something crucial missing.
I may never have been in a relationship before Cindy but I'm well aware of how one should work. So I know there is one big part in particular we messed up.
I'm guilty of this too of course, but I'm sure Cindy omitted lots of details from our conversations and essentially only told me what I would want to hear. This meant that, from pretty early on, we hadn't been open and honest with each other. There are reasons for that I'm sure, but I honestly never felt comfortable about it. It seemed harmless enough so it wasn't even worth bringing up. But eventually, it became a problem with a harder to find solution each time.
Overall, it just seemed like our long-distance relationship wasn't working out. But what really made it bad was that, even when there was no physical distance, there was still trouble.
I knew it was the best thing to do. This way, there would be no more tears. No more pain.
All that went into consideration, and by the time I decided when and how to do it, I knew it was the necessary, although painful choice.
"I'll never get over how pretty it looks out here." She had her head on my shoulder while she looked up at the trees from the park bench we were both sitting on. "I mean, I've been to Central Park but sometimes nothing beats what you've grown up with your whole life, you know?"
"Yeah," I said softly. Her saying that did not make what I was about to do any easier.
"Are you alright? You seem a little off today," she said as she sat up and turned to face me. Clearly, I wasn't acting as natural as I told myself to.
"It's just uh," I might as well come out with it. Putting it off isn't doing either of us any good. "I need to talk to you," God, I hate sounding so cliché about it, but words have never really been my strong suit.
There was a look in her eyes that said she sensed what was coming. I just knew.
"Okay. What's up?"
I wanted to reach over and take her hands in mine but I knew it wasn't a good idea.
"I- um. I've been doing some thinking and…." I could not look at her in the eyes. I just couldn't. "There's… there's no easy way to-."
"Just say it," She spoke as a whisper but to me it sounded like the loudest statement in the world.
"Cindy." I got my courage back to look up at her. "This isn't working out." With the shakiest of sighs, she replied.
"Okay. Why?" She brought her gaze up to me and even though I could tell she was sad, there was not a hint of tears in her eyes. While I knew what I was going to say, since I've done nothing but run it over in my head a thousand times, I didn't expect her to bluntly ask why I was breaking up with her. And that made it a little more complicated.
"For a while now, it just…. We haven't been… good." She was looking down at her lap and I could tell she was going to do that until I finished talking. "I mean, I'm sure you can sense it too. We're… constantly fighting and only if we're lucky of if it works out are we able to see each in person. I just…. All of this… it- it's become a struggle, to be honest." I took a longer pause, thinking she was going to say something. When she didn't, I continued. "Do- are you going to say anything?"
With a deep breath, she raised her head.
"Jimmy, I- I'm not going to sit here and say that this relationship has been rainbows and sunshine. I sure as hell know it's not perfect." She bit her lip before continuing. "But I thought we were making it work. I-I want it to," she ended with a shudder in her voice. If she started crying, I would have no idea what to do.
"And so do I," despite what I thought before, I took her hands in mine. "But, it's not like we haven't tried. And- and it must be tough for you too." I barely noticed her sliding her hands out. "I just… I can't anymore."
"I can't believe you're doing this," I heard her say under her breath.
"I want you to unders-."
"Please don't talk to me."
Oh, man.
"Cindy-."
"NO," she spoke firmly just before standing up. "You don't get to break my heart and then act as if you didn't." I shut up right away,
She didn't move or say another word after that though it looked like she wanted to. I knew it by the tears welling in her eyes.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a prick behind my own.
With a pale face and her whole body trembling, so unlike how she looked not fifteen minutes ago, she stormed away.
Surprisingly, even though we each did spend a few weeks in Retroville before heading back north, we never saw one another. I did spend most of the time in the lab but whenever I was outside, I never bumped into her. As creepy as it sounds, the closest I came to seeing her was through her open bedroom window one day. She was pulling her hair up into a ponytail and grabbed her gym bag from her bed before leaving the room. Her back was turned to me the entire time, so I don't know if she noticed me. Or maybe Cindy planned it that way.
After a few weeks, I noticed her window was shut for longer than usual. I figured, although I guess it's not my business to know, that she went back to school. At that time, I didn't realize that I would have no idea when I'd see her again.
And now we're here. At dinner celebrating the short engagement and wedding, of all things, of our best friends.
This school year, me and a couple of guys, including a former roommate, will be renting an off-campus apartment. Since I had already moved in earlier this month, I was able to make the trip to New York to be present for the ceremony and reception. As Sheen's Best Man, there was also no way to get out of it. Not that I would want to.
It was no question that Cindy was to be Libby's Maid of Honor, meaning that we would have to see each other again. And honestly, when she was walking into that room at city hall, that slight smile on her face, I wasn't ready for it.
I'm not ready for it now either.
I wish I could speak to her. About nothing in particular but at least just to greet her. Libby and Sheen are too caught up in their marital bliss to notice. Sheen's parents and guest don't know about our break up and likely wouldn't be overly concerned if they did. The only person that's probably noticing any awkward tension is Libby's mom, whom I imagine Cindy spoke to about us.
To take my mind off it, I've been catching up with Sheen's parents and Sheen himself (when possible). I've been getting to know Sheen's Army friend too and I was quickly able to see why he and Sheen get along so well. All in all, it's been a nice distraction from the person sitting in front of me.
Before long, it was time for me to leave. Unlike everyone else, I wasn't going to be able to stay in the city overnight and would have to leave a little early so that I could catch the last train back to Boston.
As I exchanged goodbyes with everyone and Sheen and Libby wished me well and thanked me for coming, I couldn't help but notice that Cindy was nowhere to be found. That was probably for the better, since it was sure to be a departure as awkward as the rest of the day had been.
Knowing not to ask where she went, I found out on my own as I was entering the lobby of the restaurant. A blur of familiar blonde hair bumped into me. A glance at the sign on the door she came through indicated that she just left the bathroom.
Once she pulled away, looked up, and realized it was me, her only response was a couple of quick blinks, as if she couldn't believe it.
"Hi," She said timidly, like she was afraid the greeting would offend me. I almost wanted to laugh. Here I am, on my way out and even though we have been around each other all day she is, just now, saying hello.
"Hi," I replied, losing nearly all my breath at the word.
"You're leaving?" It took a few uncomfortable seconds before she said that.
"Yeah. I'm not staying the night and I have to get back anyway. My roommates and I are going couch-hunting and we still haven't really unpacked." I explained as if she would actually care.
But the way her eyes widened slightly told me otherwise.
"Oh, you- you're in an apartment this year?"
"It was all last minute," It really was. The guys and I arranged all this within the past six weeks. "But yeah, it just… worked out really well." I knew that she didn't need to know all the details.
"Cool," she nodded softly. "That's awesome."
Neither of us made an attempt to say anything, let alone move. I really did have to leave so even if I didn't want to be the one to initiate the goodbyes, I had to,
"I um.. I have to go," I stepped around her, mainly because I knew if I didn't leave then, I probably never would. "Take care." It was a weird thing to say, but something like, "see you around" wasn't a good idea.
"You too."
I barely caught a glimpse of her bright, green eyes before she turned around and went back to the table.
Oh my gosh. Okay, I know you're thinking SOMETHING. Please drop me those reviews. I absolutely need to see what you guys think. Next chapter we're going to be celebrating someone's milestone birthday. You're more than welcome to guess who it is.
If you're about to ask, no, he does not miss the train.
Thank you for reading!
