They had enjoyed their off day together and were now cuddled up in bed next to each other.
R: „Andy, I have to ask you something."
A: „Okey now I am scared, why do you sound so serious all of the sudden."
R: „Calm down. It's nothing bad, well at least I hope so."
Andy looked at him and nothing of what he just said had calmed her in any way but now he was drawing little circles and shapes on her arm with his fingers and somehow that always calmed her down. She put down her head on his chest again.
R: „I wanted to talk to you about... so I guess my question was... I wanted to know what you think about a family."
A: „what family?" she asked a little confused.
R: „about ours. Andy I wanted to talk about wether you want kids or not."
A: „Actually yes."
R: „you do?"
A: „ why do you sound so supermodel?" she chuckled.
R: „ I Don know you were always focused on work and I just wasn't sure if you would want kids."
A: „ I didn't for a while. But it was never because I didn't like kids. I had a goal to make captain and I chased that but now I am, I've been captain for almost a year so what better time than this to start a family?"
R: „Yea, this seems to be the perfect time." he turned her head gently towards his with his hand and started kissing her. In a matter of seconds the Kiss grew passionately and after a short while he took off Andy's shirt and then his boxers.
A: „Oh okey, So you mean right now?" she laughed.
R: „No point in waiting now is there?"
A: „Absolutely not."
And they continued making love to each other and even though they have been together for a long time now, this time was different. The purpose wasn't just feeling the love between them and the pleasure but this time they made love to make a baby, a new member of their family.
—————————
Only a couple of weeks ago Andy and Robert had decided that now is the time. The time to try and start a family of their own. They were both already so excited to have a baby in their life. Yesterday Andy had noticed that she was 8 days late, she wasn't sure how that had slipped her mind when that was all she wanted but this morning on her way home from shift she stopped at a pharmacy and got a pregnancy test. When she came home Robert was still asleep in their bed so Andy climbed on top of him, she planned to kiss him awake but of course she had already woken him up by laying on top of him.
A: " good morning my handsome husband."
R: " well someone is in a good mood. Good morning babe."
They started kissing softly and just when things were starting to heat up between them Andy pulled away and rolled off of him. She sat in bed with her eyes still on him. Andy was nervous and she didn't know how to tell him she was late.
R: " are you okay, and?"
A: " I am. It's just... I'm 8 days late and I got this at the pharmacy and ..." she had pulled out the test out of the bag she had laid on the bed before she had climbed on him. Roberts face lit up in excitement.
R: " Andy! Did you already take it?"
A: "no I got it on my way home and I thought i could do it while you are still home."
R: " I would love that babe." Neither of them could take the eyes of the other and they were burning up with excitement that maybe Andy was pregnant and they were starting their family. Robert pulled Andy closer and started kissing her. It was soft but full of love.
A: „You gotta go to work soon so I better go pee on that thing."
R: „Yup that's my wife always very Romantic" he said with a laugh.
When Andy was done she got back on the bed were Robert had been waiting. They sat in front of each other and Andy had put the test and her phone with the timer on in between them.
The time was up.
R: „ Do you wanna turn it around or should I?"
A: „You do it, please"
And Robert did. They had waited with so much excitement building up, already talking about and imagining the Baby room but all the hope they had faded when they saw the test. *Negative* Every light in their eyes faded and all they were left with was disappointment. Tears started to escape Andy's eyes.
R: „ Babe, it's okey." he got the test and Andy's phone out of the way and wanted to pull Andy into his arms. Andy tried turning away and that way she ended up in his arms with her back leaning against him. He wrapped his arms around her from behind.
R: „This was just our first try babe. We will have a little one very soon, I am sure." He whispered into her ears as he kept holding her close.
--
Andy put down the pregnancy test on the bathroom counter. She tried not to get her hopes up but she couldn't really help it. They have been trying to have a baby for so long now that it was consuming every thought of her and as soon as she was one day late she wanted to take that test. She had a bunch of them stocked in the bathroom already but she got herself to wait a couple more days. Today she couldn't take not knowing any longer. Robert was still at work but she prefered it that way. There was no need to get his hopes up as well when they would probably get shattered once again. While she was waiting for the result she paced around the small bathroom rubbing her sweaty hands against each other. About a year ago they had decided it was a good time for both of them to become parents and with so much enthusiasm they had started their journey. Robert even went out and bought a little baby onsie that now had laid in the drawer for a year and each time any of them opened the drawe it was a painful reminder of the fact that they didn't have any luck yet. Now Andys enthusiasm shrinked with every test she took and sometimes she got annoyed by Roberts optimism because she was losing that a little. The timer went off and Andy slowly turned around the stick. "Negativ". And with that she lost another piece of her. She tossed it in the bin and got into their big bed that was still empty. She got under the big blanket and tried to hide away from any dissappointment and pain that was drowning her.
R: "Andy, are you okey?"
A: "I'm fine" she said while burring her face a little more under the blanket so Robert couldn't see the silent tears dripping down her face.
R: "I'm just gonna get ready and join you then." He went into the bathroom to get ready for bed. When he opened the bin to throw away the empty toothpaste he saw the pregnancy test on top and even though with seeing Andy burried under the blanket in their bed he was sure he knew what the test said, he couldn't help but pick it out of the trash. As he read "Negative" he felt a cold flush running over him. He didn't bother finishing in the bathroom, he dropped it back into the bin and directly got in bed. He got closer to her and gently rolled her around so he could look at her. Andy had tried to stop the tears but she had no control. Roberts heart broke seeing her like that and Andy broke a little more seeing his dissappointment and pitty. He found no good words of comfort and simply pulled her into his arm trying to give her as much comfort as he could but it took a few hours before Andys tears dripping on to his chest stopped.
--
Doctor: „Well, we looked at everything and both of you are perfectly healthy. There is no medical reason why you can't conceive, I suggest you just keep trying for now but if you wanna come back we can talk about other options like artificial fertilization."
R: „Okey, thank you Dr. Foss."
Andy and Robert made their way out in silence. She knew he wanted to say something but he seems to notice that he shouldn't of he didn't want to end up fighting with her. Lately they started fighting easily, not over a baby or the struggle to conceive one, just over stupid little things neither of them really cared about. But they were both on edge more and the frustration building up in both of them became a barrier between them. Robert still was very optimistic on the outside and as much as he was trying to hide his pain he couldn't hide it completely from his wife. Andy on the other side was getting more bitter and closed herself off from him, not wanting to share how she was feeling or how she was struggling. She wanted to make him happy but she didn't get pregnant and even though now she knew it wasn't her fault she hadn't gotten pregnant yet she couldn't help but feel like she was letting Robert down and smashing all his dreams and hopes for their future.
When they arrived home Robert broke the silence that was lingering between them.
R: „So that were good news, right? I think we just need to losen up a bit and enjoy the ride again."
A: „Losen up a bit? Are you serious Robert? We have been trying for almost two years now and nothing. How do you except me to losen up? All you want and all you talk about is that baby that I can't give you"
R: „Shh Andy, come here." he led her to the couch and they sat down next to each other. Close but far apart enough to look into each other's eyes. He took her small hands in his, like always they were cold but his were warm.
R: „you heard the doctor, this isn't your fault and I don't believe that it is, so you can get that one out of your head. I know we have been trying for a while now but I haven lost hope yet and neither should you. I love you Andy."
A: „I love you too" she whispered.
———————————-
Negative*
Andy sighed and felt like she was about to crumble into pieces. She had been a week late, not really wanting to take the test so she wouldn't get disappointed again but she knew there was no way around it if she wanted answers. And deep down inside of her there was still some hope left that just maybe, after two years they were finally gonna be lucky. But the last tiny bit of hope she had inside of her got wiped away with another negative test and now she was empty. She had No tears left to cry so she just sat on the ground staring into nothing. With no feeling of how much time had passed she jumped up at the sound of Robert coming through the front door. There was no need to crush him too so she wrapped the test in toilet paper and stuffed it deep down into the bin like she had done countless times before. Like she probably had done with the majority of the test she had taken over the years, wanting to spare him some of the pain that was consuming her day in and day out. She quickly made her way downstairs so he wouldn't get suspicious.
A: „hey babe." he gave him a quick kiss. „I was just about to start dinner, is pasta alright?"
R: „sounds perfect. I'm gonna take a shower while you cook and I'll be with you right afterwards."
He jumped up the stairs and Andy took a deep breath. She had perfected her act by now. When she first didn't tell him about a test she took, he could notice something was wrong with Andy but now he didn't. She wasn't really sure if her acting got better because she still felt like the pain was still written all over her face or if their connection wasn't the same anymore.
———————————-
R: "Hey Babe, I'm about to head to the store uhm do you need anything? Tampons?"
A: "No, i still have plenty."
R: "Oh okey"
Andy kept washing the dishes silently.
R: "Wait... Are you late?"
Andy grunted not wanting to answer. "Maybe a little."
R: "How long?" his voice was getting filled with more exitment each second.
A: "Ugh Robert, I don't know okey." But when he didn't move and kept looking at her she knew he wasn't gonna lay off. "Okey fine I'm actually very late, 4 weeks okey. Can you lay off now?"
R: "Why didn't you say anything? Did you take a test?"
A: "No i didn't and i won't because i'm not pregnant."
R: "Andy you are not fortune teller, you gotta take a test."
A: "I DON'T WANNA TAKE ANOTHER DAMN TEST" she screamed. Now the exitment in Roberts face faded away as he had not expected a reaction like that at all.
R: "What's going on Andy?"
A: "It's gonna be negative again like it has been for over two years now, no need to waste another test for that result."
R: "It's still early, so please take the test or we can do it tomorrow morning."
A: "Fine." Robert wasn't sure with which option she was fine but he was not gonna ask anymore so he headed out. He was annoyed and mad at Andy that she had kept this from him for so long. She was four weeks late already and had not mentioned it at all during those weeks.
When Robert had left and she had finished washing the dishes she headed upstairs to their bathroom. Taking this test was the last thing she wanted to do but she knew he wouldn't shut up about it. Even when her hope had faded mostly, with each day that passed and that she didn't get her period the hope inside of her grew a little. She simply didn't take the test because she know she couldn't handle reading negative one more time.
While she was waiting for the result she pushed every thought out of her mind, good or bad she couldn't feel any of it right now. When the time was over she reached for the test and her hands were shaking. "Negative". Andy didn't cry she didn't feel because she was sure that if she let herself feel anything at all she wouldn't survive. Or she wouldn't want to survive.
When Robert came home he ran up the stairs when he couldn't find Andy downstairs. He was hoping she would have taken the test already. When he walked into their bedroom Andy was sitting on the edge of the bed. She looked empty like there was no live left inside of her. Robert may have not noticed it as much but Over the years with every test she took and with every single one saying negative she had lost a little piece of herself and now there was nothing left of her anymore. Robert walked over and sat down next to her and with no expression on her face Andy handed him the test and Robert sighed loudly as he read it.
R: " it will work soon I can feel it. He said with a smile on his lips.
A: "I know you want this, but it's not just about you! Do you even think about how i feel?" she screams at him
R: "Andy please, I understand that it is hard for you but it's hard for me too okey."
A: "I know" she said very quiet. "But i don't want to try anymore, i can't"
R: "So you are just giving up on having a baby? You can't just give up we are not there yet! The doctor said we are both healthy so that means we will have a baby one day if we keep trying."
A: "We've been trying for three years Robert, it's not gonna happen and i don't wanna get dissappointed anymore."
R: "But I will always be there for you."
A: "You don't even know how many pregnancy tests i took that you had no idea about Robert. I didn't tell you about half of them because i couldn't take the way you look at me when it's negative again. I see the pain in your eyes okey and i can't help but feel like it's my fault."
R: "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
A: "Because of the way you look at me now. You are filled with pain and dissappointment and i can't have you look at me like this for the next years or for the rest of our lives."
R: "What are you saying?"
A: "What I am saying is, that i don't wanna try anymore and ... I am leaving."
R: "What?"
A: "I love you Robert but this isn't working anymore." she said with tears welling up in her eyes. She got a bag of clothes out of the closet that she had packed while he was still grocery shopping for them. When she headed for the bedroom door he jumped out of the bed and ran in front of the door to stop her from going.
R: "Andy, please don't go now. I know things have been though lately but we can work this out."
A: "Find a women who can give you children Robert and live the life you always wanted, I'm gonna be alright." she gently pushed him out of her way and headed out of their house, which now would be just his again
