Disclaimer, this deals with grieve and loss.
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When Robert got home from work he expected to see Andy swirling around the house like usually. That women just couldn't be still for too long and more times than not he would come home to her cleaning and dancing around with music blasting a little too loud for his taste.
But today was different, the house was silent and the dishes from breakfast that she had offered to clean were still out. He wondered if she might not be home but he knew she would have let him know if she wouldn't be home at the time he came back. Everything was the opposite of what it usually was and it unsettled him. Hoping to find her upstairs he slid off his shoes and went to their bedroom.
He did find her here but the way he found her didn't bring him any comfort. The blinds were shut almost completely and the only light source in the room came from a candle burning on Andy's bedside table. No music, no tv show, just silence. Every foot step of him on the wood floor was audible but Andy didn't seem to notice, her eyes fixated on the flame of the candle.
„Andy?" he asked almost whispering not wanting to startle her but she didn't show any reaction. Robert wasn't sure if she hadn't heard him or if she was ignoring him, so he sat down on the bed next to her. Now being closer to her he could see the tear stains on her cheeks. Her eyes were read and puffy, full of pain but at the same time so empty. He didn't know what struck him more, he had never seen that look in her eyes before. Only when Robert put his hand on her arm, gently rubbing it, Andy noticed he was here and she shot up in bed.
"Hey, I- you are already back home?" She asked, combing with her fingers through her hair, knowing she must look like a mess right now. "It's 4pm, same time as always." He hesitated for a second but then spoke again. "Andy, what's wrong?" He looked at her and in a way he could see in her eyes how she was building up her walls, hiding whatever was upsetting her.
"Nothing, I just- I forgot time, that's all." She went around him and out of bed to open all the blinds again. "So, how was shift today?" She asked, trying her best to fill her voice with live. "Uhm- yea it... good I guess, but Andy-" she quickly interrupted him before he asked questions she didn't want to answer. "Great, that's great! I'm gonna clean up the kitchen, I meant to do it before you got home but-, Uhm are you hungry? I could make you a snack while I'm at it." She spoke so fast Robert had trouble understanding everything.
"I'm good. Thank you Andy. Do you wanna talk ab-", once again she was quick to interrupt him. "Okey, than maybe go take a shower or something, I will go clean now." And quickly she slipped out of the door. Once she was out she felt like she could finally breath again. It never used to be that way with him but now everything had changed and everything would be changed moving forward.
Robert still sat on the bed, letting everything sink in because this had all shocked him a bit. This just wasn't like Andy, the only time he had seen her like that was when Pruitt died. He kept thinking about what might have happened that upset her like that and why she wouldn't talk to him. All Robert wanted right now was to talk to her and comfort her in any way he could but he also knew she wasn't going to let him right now. Pushing her further would only upset her more so he had to trust that she would talk when she was ready.
He sighed loudly and rubbed his hands over his face in frustration of not being able to do more for her in this moment. He took her suggestion and went to take a shower, hoping that if she had some time she would be ready but then again she had time to herself all day so his hope was slim.
As soon as Andy heard the water running she grabbed her keys and phone and left the house. In the car she hesitated a moment. She wanted him to believe she was fine but just running off wouldn't really be helpful. No matter what she would decide it wouldn't really work.
Staying home he would be able to look right through her, she just wasn't the best actress. Running off he would also know something was up so it didn't really matter. Except, she had to go, she had to see him, so she texted Robert she would get some groceries when actually she drove to talk to him. It had made her feel stupid at first but now she found comfort in it even when she had to sneak off to do so.
She parked the car and walked over. "Hey there, I know it's been too long. Things were kinda busy at work but I didn't forget about you. You are always in my heart, don't forget that. Today I found out something that is exciting but scary, or no... more like terrifying...but I guess you would have loved it, no i know you would have and... I know I will too,maybe I just need some time." She didn't really know what else to say but she stayed a little longer, just to think about everything.
Robert came out of the shower and went downstairs now but Andy wasn't there. A little worried he checked his phone and saw her message. 'Going to get some groceries, will be back soon'
He wasn't sure what to think about this really. She was a mess before and now she's grocery shopping? It all seemed a little odd to him. It was close to 5 by now so he decided to go full out and prepare a dinner that took a little more preparation.
Around 6pm Robert heard the key in the lock and turned around seeing Andy coming in with a few bags of groceries. "Hey you've been gone a while." He greeted her. "Yea it was kinda busy and than I ran into Vic and you know her, she just won't shut up." She laughed and Robert was a little relieved she seemed to be doing better but he made a mental note to not let her fool him and ask her about it again later. "Yea she really talks like a waterfall. I made dinner and it's almost ready." He stirred around in the pan while Andy started unpacking the groceries. "Smells great babe." She said and hugged him from behind when everything was put away. Robert let his free hand rest over hers and enjoyed having her close again.
They sat down and enjoyed the meal together but the silence, that usually was so comfortable for both of them, felt unbearable today. Robert was contemplating when was the best time to talk to her but he seemed like no matter when, she would shut him out. And Andy, she knew she had to tell him but she wasn't sure what exactly to say or how.
When both their plates were empty the kept sitting at the table. Andys eyes on her empty plate, playing around with her napkin. Roberts eyes on her the entire time, he could sense that she was trying, she wanted to talk to him but she was struggling, so he wanted to give her the time she needed and not push her.
„Robert, i need to tell you something." He could see how nervous she was so he put his hands on hers and at his touch Andy finally looked up at him. „I'm pregnant." she blurted out just like that.
Robert was confused at first, he couldn't understand how that made her lay in a dark room all that and how it upset her like that. They hadn't been trying and the more he thought about it, Andy probably just didn't want kids. Every time he tried to bring up the topic she would start talking about something else but then again, when they got a safe surrender a few weeks back she was amazing with the little girl and it seemed to come natural to her, the mommy role.
Andy noticed how he got lost in his own thoughts. „Robert, I- I don't know if i can do it. I want kids i do but i don't think I'm ready." she observed his eyes trying to read them.
„But, you were so good with the safe surrender Baby, I- why shouldn't you be ready?" he asked confused but wanting too understand where she was coming from. „I really can't talk about this right now. I'm going to bed. I-„ she stood up while talking and now sighed. What she was doing to him wasn't fair but she couldn't get herself to tell him the truth. „I'm gonna go to bed." she said again and left him at the table alone.
Robert didn't move for some time after she was gone, trying to make sense of it all but he couldn't really. Why shoudn't she be ready, they couldn't be more ready. Everything was going now and the time was perfect. He rubbed his face and then got up to clean the kitchen. After he was done he went to their bedroom as well.
It was too early to sleep but Andy laid in the bed with her eyes closed. He could see she wasn't really sleeping but he also didn't know what to say to her in this moment so he got ready for bed and joined her then. He spooned her and took her in his arm and was glad she didn't push him away. She actually took his hand and just held it until her thoughts finally slowed down and she was able to fall asleep.
The next morning Andy woke up earlier than usual which didn't surprise her much as she was in bed quite early last night. She carefully slipped out of the bed so she wouldn't wake Robert and went to the bathroom to get ready. She left Robert a note saying she left for work early and then drove to the station in her car. When Andy had shift they would usually go in together but she knew Robert would want to talk and she just couldn't. She couldn't talk to him and only tell him half of the truth so she figured it would be easier to just avoid him for now. Of course it wouldn't work forever but for now that was all she had came up with as a plan.
She arrived at the station about an hour before her shift. B-Shift was still out on a call so the station was empty and quiet for now and so she found herself sitting on the catwalk. She tried thinking about what she wanted to do, the thought of abortion had crossed her mind but she never really thought she could go through with it. All she could really think of was him and her heart ached.
Robert woke up to an empty bed, he found the note instantly and was a little annoyed with her for just running away and not wanting to talk to him. He got ready to go to work quickly, so he could catch Bishop before they would get called out to Fire or something.
At the Station he went straight to Mayas office. „Bishop, Herrera is on Aid-car today, she will not run into any danger, are we clear?" he said stern, knowing Andy would probably flip out when she would find out but he knew she would not tell Maya herself so he had no choice as he wanted to keep them both save. „Okey, Sir." was all Maya could say before Robert was gone again. He went to his office knowing Andy would come to him, latest when she found out what he did.
The team all got together in the beanery for breakfast. „Little change of plans for today. Herrera you are on Aid-car with me now and Miller you will be on Engine instead." she told everyone. „What? Why am I on Aid-car all of the sudden?" she asked her confused, she had a little idea but didn't want to believe that it could be true. „Chiefs-order." Maya said and left to do Paperwork in her office. Anger boiled up in Andy and she stood up storming off. „This will not be good." Ben said and everyone nodded in agreement, knowing they would soon hear them shouting at each other.
Andy didn't bother to knock at his door and just stormed in. „ARE YOU SERIOUS?" she screamed at him.
„It's what's best for you right now. Not only are you pregnant but your head is all over the place." he said trying to stay calm. „I AM VERY CAPABLE OF KNOWING WHATS BEST FOR ME THANK YOU VERY MUCH." she screamed at him, she couldn't hold back and she didn't care that the entire team could probably hear her.
„NO RIGHT NOW YOU CAN'T ANDY, YOU ARE NOT THINKING STRAIGHT." he couldn't help but start screaming too. „YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM THINKING OKEY AND YOU HAD NO BUSINESS GOING TO MAYA AND PUT ME ON AID CAR." she was furious with him, she didn't want the team to know she was pregnant, they knew things Robert didn't and they would treat her differently once they would find out. „YEA YOU ARE RIGHT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE THINKING BECAUSE YOU WONT TALK TO ME." he didn't really want to yell at her, it would only drive her further away but his temper got the best of him.
Andy was quiet knowing he was right and it wasn't her intention to just shut him out but it was the easier thing for now. Dispatch calling for an Aid-car saved her in this moment and she ran off without another word but he could hear him slam his door behind her.
Maya and Andy hopped on the aid car together and Andy drove out of the station. „Are you okay, Andy?" she asked. Even all the way downstairs in her office she had heard them scream. „I'm fine Maya. Can we focus on the call now please."
The call was a little boy who fell off a tree, they took care of him and brought him to Grey Sloan as he had probably broken his leg. On the way back to the station Maya wanted to try to talk to Andy. „So... what's going on? Why did Sullivan put you on Aid-car?" she asked. Andy took a second but then blurted out: „Because I'm pregnant Maya." Mayas eyes went big, that was probably the last thing she had expected to hear.
„Do you want to talk?" she asked carefully, knowing very well that Andys emotions were all over the place. „I really don't Maya." was all Andy said, knowing Maya wouldn't push her because Maya knew and she understood.
They drove back to the station and when Robert saw them getting out of the Aid-car he called Andy to his office but she ignored him and went straight to her bunk.
The entire shift Robert tried again and again to talk to her but she would ignore him each time. Being Battalion Chief, he didn't have overnight shifts like Andy so when it was time for him to go home he wanted to try one more time. The team had told him she was in her bunk where she seemed to hide most of the day so he went to knock.
„Andy, it's me. I'm about to go home but can we talk first?" he asked. Andy sat up in her bed and hearing how broken he was made her almost open the door and she did get up, walked to the door but he hand just wouln't open the door. „Robert, go home." she whispered. „Please." she added and her voice broke. Robert felt like someone stabbed him, her voice full of pain and she wouldn't let him comfort her. But he knew she had made up her mind for now so he left her. Andy leaned against the door and slid down to the floor breaking down in tears.
Maya saw Sullivan leaving and asked him to come in for a moment. „Sir, how is Andy?" her question caught him a little off guard. „She's my best friend, she told me that she's pregnant."
„I don't know, she won't talk to me, like at all. I don't understand what's going on. If she doesn't want a baby she could just tell me." he was surprised that he could talk to Bishop like that but she was the only one that knew and he didn't know what to do anymore. „It's not about wether or not she wants a baby." she started and hesitated for a second. „Ask her about Finn."
Now Robert was even more lost. „Finn?" he asked confused. „I really can't say more, it's not my place but ... just ask her." she wasn't sure if it was right for her to tell him that but Andy needed him and she was okey with being the bad one if it would get Andy to talk to Robert. „Uhm okey... thank you Bishop." he said and left the station. On the way home and the entire night he couldn't stop thinking about what Maya had said, who was Finn?
Andy came home the next morning when her shift finished, she was a little surprised to not find Robert in the kitchen. Usually he would wait for her with breakfast the morning after a shift. Robert was waiting in bed for her, it had kinda become the place where the more serious conversations had taken place. They both just felt most comfortable there. When Andy walked into the bedroom she saw him on the bed, he wasn't doing anything so his intentions where obvious to her.
„I need some time, I need to get out, I'll go to mayas." she said before he could say anything. Andy pulled out a bag of the closet and threw some clothes in there. Robert was quickly on his feet and by her side. „No you don't get to just walk out on me, we are married Andy, we won't just run away from things, we face them head on - together, that's how marriage works."
Andy stopped and Robert took the clothes in her hand from her and put them back where they belong. „Can we talk please?" Robert took her hands.
„I can't, i really can't Robert. I want to but ... i can't." Andy said and her eyes trailed off, she couldn't look at the pain in his eyes anymore. „Who is Finn?" Robert asked and Andys head snapped around looking at him. The look in her eyes almost scared him, not because she was angry but because of the terror in them.
„Who told you about him?" she asked with a weak voice. „No one told me anything, Maya just said to ask you about him." Andy let go off his hands and climbed into bed, it looked as if she was about to fall to the floor at any second but she didn't.
Robert followed her and was glad she let him hold her while she started sobbing. He was a little lost but let her get it all out hoping she would talk afterwards. After some time there were no tears left and she just laid in his arms. „He's my baby boy." she suddenly said quietly.
„You have a baby?" he asked with big eyes. „I had."
They both fell silent. Robert wasn't sure what all of this meant and why he didn't know about this after being together for over two years. „May 22nd at 3:04pm my baby boy Finn was born-„ she took a deep breath and hugged Robert a little tighter, „-and on august 14th I woke up and he was ... Finn had died."
Robert was at a loss for words, he hadn't expected any of this and his heart was breaking for her. A few tears escaped his eyes but he wiped them away instantly, he didn't want to make this about him. „What happened?" he asked. „Sudden infant death" He held her a little tighter and kissed her on the head.
„I'm so sorry Andy, i had no idea." he wanted to comfort her but he couldn't find the right words. „I did CPR until the aid-car arrived but... If i wouldn't have slept or maybe if would have just woken up 30 minutes earlier..." she choked on her words. „You did all you could Andy. It wasn't your fault." he tried to reassure her.
She buried her face deeper in him. „I can't do it again Robert, I wouldn't survive if... if anything happened again." she whispered to him. „Listen Andy this... this is your decision. It's your choice and i will support you no matter what. I don't know everything about... about Finn and what situation you were in at the time but you wouldn't be alone, and you won't be no matter what." he stroke over her hair.
„I want the baby." Andy said. „Are you... Really?" he asked surprised. That wasn't the answer he had expected after hearing her story but it had been the answer he secretly hoped for. A baby, her baby, their baby. He could see it all and he wanted this but only if she wanted it too.
„Yea..." she took another deep breath before continuing, „It terrifies me, all the things that could happen and what it would do to me if it did but i know i couldn't live with myself if i had an abortion and didn't even give it a chance, a chance to be okay and grow up." she tried to explain and put her hand on her stomach that was still flat.
„We will do it all together, every little step." he assured her and his hand joined hers. „We got this. You got this. You are so strong and together we will be unbeatable." By her chin he gently turned her head a little and gave her a soft kiss. A kiss so slow and peaceful letting her know that she would be okay, that they would be okay. All three of them.
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There will be a part two. (Not sure when though.)
