Hello, I am back with Part 2! I still have more to write for this story so i will actually write a part 3, hopefully within the next two weeks. I put some -- between big scenes just to make it more visible as there will be little time jumps.
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It was a late Sunday afternoon and Andy and Robert were both sitting at their dining table opposite each other, each focused on their laptop screen. Sometimes it just was that way, it might be an off day for both of them but they needed to take care of a few things anyways.
Andy just wanted to reply to a few emails and was quickly done with it but now something other kept her eyes on the screen. She started fidgeting with her leg and ran her hand through her hair a lot.
Robert quickly noticed she was one edge. "You okay?" he asked. Worry for her was a constant feeling for him now. He couldn't shake it off no matter how hard he tried and no matter how many times she told him she was fine, he knew her better than that and he knew her anxiety was through the roof.
"Yea- I- all good." She mumbled while chewing on her nails. If Robert wasn't so worried this might have made him chuckle. Her anxiety was so visibly showing without her noticing.
He reached over the table and turned around her laptop and usually Andy would have protested loudly but instead she just got up and paced around the living room still biting her nails.
"Andy, you really shouldn't look at this so much. I've told you before..." he said and sounded defeated. "I know, I know what you said but I need to know okay. The odds of it happening again are higher than the first time. Siblings of baby's who died of SIDS are at a higher risk." She stopped pacing and went with both her hands through her hair, as if maybe that would make her thoughts go away. As if she could just wipe them out of her mind like that.
Robert got up and held Andy by her shoulders. "One day at a time." He said and took her into a hug. It quickly became their mantra, how else would they make it through this.
"One day at a time." She sighed. Andy rested against Roberts chest and in his arms was the only place she felt save and like somehow she might be able to do this.
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R: "Bishop, my office." He yelled through the station. Maya came into his office.
M: "Sir?"
R: "Who will be on Aid-car with Herrera today?"
M: "Cutler, Sir."
R: "Uhm switch him with Warren." He said stern. "Please." He added, knowing this was more of a personal request than a chief request.
M: "Everything okay with Andy?" she asked, Andy had been distant lately and Maya understood that Andy needed time right now, but she always hoped Andy would talk to her.
R: "Yup." He knew he was overstepping again and didn't want to share anything Andy hasn't told Maya. Andy wouldn't appreciate it and they would have another fight if she would find out but he would accept that in exchange for knowing she was okay. "Don't tell her this was my request."
M: "What am I supposed to say then?" she asked irritated. Maya didn't want to lie to her friend but she also couldn't go against an order from her Chief.
R: "Think of something Bishop. Dismissed." He said annoyed, mostly because he didn't have an answer for her.
Punctual to the start for shift they were in the barn for line-up.
M: "Herrera Aid-car with ... Warren. Well you all have your assignments. Dismissed 19."
Vic: "Did you piss bishop off or way is this your second week on aid-car?" she said as they all made their way up to the beanery for some breakfast, hopefully before a call came in.
A: "Uhm, no. I don't know why she put me on Aid-car."
Vic: "Huh that's weird. Did you mess something up?"
A: "When was the last time I screwed something up huh. I don't mess up, ever." she said arrogantly, hoping a joke would get Vic's mind off the actual topic.
"Herrera is... are you okay?" Ben asked on their way back from a call. She had been doing a great job but he could notice she was on edge.
"Yea sure, all good." She smiled. But Ben could see through that smile, they had worked together long enough and maybe it were his father instincts that made him more sensitive to it, so he pulled over.
"What are you doing Warren?" she asked irritated. "What's up?"he asked again after he put the Aid-Car into park.
"Nothing, I told you!" she said getting angry. Andy couldn't stand when someone pushed her to talk when she didn't want to. "Can you get back on the road now so we can go back to the station?" she asked annoyed. "Not until you talk." he insisted. It wasn't like him to push someone like that to open up to him, but with Andy it was different. While Vic would usually open up immediately, he knew Andy wasn't like that at all.
"Fine then I will walk." Andy said and opened her door and got out of the aid-car. Ben was quick to follow her and cut off her way by standing in front of her. "Come on, I can see something is bugging you. You've been on edge for weeks now." Andy tried to avoid his eyes and looked to her right side, trying to hold back her tears but with little success. Ben saw the tears starting but he waited for her to say something.
"I'm pregnant Ben." His eyes filled with compassion but he didn't know what to say. He knew what happened, he knew Finn. "Andy, I'm-", Andy quickly interrupted him.
"No. You don't have to say anything. I know it's crazy and hell I didn't plan on it. Finn, he- and that was it for me, I never wanted to do this again. I can't do this again but now I have to and I know when this happens... I won't make it." She tried to catch her breath after rambling. "You think it will happen again...?" he said more as a statement than an actual question but Andy nodded.
"Of course I think that how couldn't I? And I tried so hard to move on but now all I see is him laying in his crib and –", she started hyperventilating and couldn't finish her thought.
"Andy, look at me. Take a deep breath. You are okay." He tried to calm her but he couldn't, her thoughts were spiraling out and she slid down against a tree. She forgot everything around her, all she could see was her baby boy laying in his crib not breathing, she hears herself scream for help, she hears the sirens and then she's at his funeral with the little casket in front of her.
Ben was quick to react and got her some oxygen from the aid car that he pulled over her head. "Andy look at me! You don't know if it's going to happen again and I know that is scary and that freaks you out but there's also a big chance it won't." He was able to pull Andy back into reality.
And as stupid as it sounded, that thought hadn't crossed her mind yet. She was so convinced that it would happen again. That because it was her it would happen again. So sure it must have been her fault with Finn and even if she planned on doing everything different this time she always figured it was bound to happen again. That it was her destiny.
Ben was able to calm her down again and they got back on the aid-car. Before they pulled into the barn Andy took off the oxygen mask. "Ben please don't tell anyone... I'm not ready. Only Maya knows." Her hand already on the door handle.
"I think you need to talk someone, I think you need help Andy."
"I got this Warren." She forced a smile and got out. She went to her bunk to lay down. Her panic attack had taken a lot out of her. Andy was exhausted and she just wanted to sleep.
Ben never liked to mingle in anyone's relationship but his need to help and do the right thing made him walk into Robert's office right away. "Warren, what's up?" Robert asked looking back down at the papers he was working on.
"She told me Robert." Ben said and Robert looked up surprised. "She did?" he asked. "She did tell me... right before she had a panic attack."
"During the call?" Robert asked worried. "No, after. But she really needs help Robert. This is taking a big toll on her and I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't her first panic attack." Robert rubbed his chin letting it sink in. Sure he had noticed she was on edge and anxious but a panic attack?
"Thank you Ben." Ben just nodded and left his office. Robert got up too to find Andy and as a lot lately she was in her bunk. He knocked and went in right away. Andy was curled up on the bed and even when she was asleep right now, Robert could see how exhausted she was. He laid down next to her and put his arm over her from behind.
After a while Andy started moving more and she woke up, she was a little surprised to find herself rapped in Robert's arms but she didn't mind at all.
"Hey." Andy said with a sleep voice turning her head around a little to see his face. "Ben told me." Robert said getting straight to the point. Andy turned her head back immediately so she didn't have to look at him. She was embarrassed this happened.
"It's okay Andy, there's no need to be ashamed." He said as if he could read her mind. Andy turned around to him now. He was right, at least in front of him she didn't have to be embarrassed about anything. He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"Had you had a panic attack before?" Andy had a lump in her throat and she only managed to nod. Robert was fighting his tears now, he had thought he was doing a good job of being there for her and supporting her but she had panic attacks and didn't feel like she could tell him.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." She whispered. "It's okay but you know you can tell me anything right?" he said playing with her hair. "I know Robert, I just felt so embarrassed about it. I shouldn't- I – I should be stronger than that." She stuttered.
"Andy, being so scared and doing it anyways, feeling the fear all the time... it's anything but weak. It's extremely strong and courageous." He kissed her forehead. Andy took his hand and interlaced their fingers.
"Before you start arguing me on this please let me finish." Andy raised her eyebrows a little. "I think you need some help, I Think we need some help." Andy opened her mouth but Robert was quick to shush her. "I know Andy, you hate it. You never want to accept help but needing help doesn't mean you are weak and accepting help shows a lot of strength. A strength I know you have. Feeling so much anxiety at all times isn't healthy and I can only imagine how exhausting it must be. And..." He was hesitant if he should add it, because this was mostly about her but then again it also wasn't, "It's not healthy for the baby either."
Andy placed her hand on her still flat belly. "Okay." She whispered. "But only if we do it together."
"Whatever you need. Like I said, I will be with you every step. We will do it all together."
Andy laid her hand gently on his cheek and kissed him.
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"I put an alarm for 8 o'clock." Robert said putting his phone down on his night stand before getting into bed. "Okay." She sighed as she got into bed as well. "Are you nervous about it?"he said reaching to take her hand.
"What me? No never. You know me I love telling a stranger all of my thoughts and fears." She said sarcastically and Robert chuckled. "Hm so I guess I don't have to go right?" he teased her.
"I swear to God Robert Sullivan, if you leave my side for even one second-."she warned him. "Then what?" he smirked. "I- I don't know okay, I didn't think that far, kind of figured you would interrupt me so I didn't think it through." She had to laugh. Robert pulled her into his arm and she put her head down on his chest. This was her safest place. He was.
"We've got this." He assured her before he turned the light off.
They walked in together hand in hand and Robert talked to the receptionist before they sat down to wait. Robert grabbed a magazine and skipped through it. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Andy playing around with her fingers. He knew this was keeping her from running out so he didn't want to stop her, he laid his hand with his palm up on her leg and she put her hand in his. Now that her hand was occupied she started fidgeting with her leg though and Robert wished there was a way for him to calm her but he didn't know what else to do.
"Herrera and Sullivan." A women said standing in the door frame of her office. Andy's heart started beating even faster which she didn't think was possible. The panic in her eyes was visible to Robert and he squeezed her hand, then got up and Andy let him lead her into the office. Robert led her to the couch and they sat down. The therapist sat down in an arm chair across from them.
T: "Mr. Sullivan –"
R: "Robert is fine."
T: "Okay so Robert and -?"
A: "Andy."
T: "So Robert you said on the phone you two could need some help. What is it exactly that you need help with?"
Robert looked at Andy if she wanted to explain but she just shook her head a little. She held onto his hand tightly. This wasn't like her. Never had she had problems with talking to people but this was different because she knew she had to open up.
R: So uhm-", he thought a second about what to say and how to start, "4 Weeks ago we found out that we are expecting a baby." He started and smiled. "But uhm..." he contemplated, "I- I really don't know what, so uhm I guess it's been a little hard or well actually really hard, especially for Andy." He looked at her and she bit her lip, she knew it was her time to talk.
T: "Andy, do you want to tell me how you've been feeling about being pregnant?"
A: "I'm excited, I am... I really am but it's... I think I ..." She paused and looked at the ceiling fighting back her tears. "I've been feeling a lot of anxiety." She said and you could hear it in her voice that she was about to cry but she wouldn't let herself. Andy looked down at Robert's hand that was holding hers and she started tracing his fingers with her other hand.
Robert knew she was fighting so he decided to jump in.
R: "She has had a few panic attacks." But then he didn't really know what else to say, he didn't feel like it was his place to bring up Finn.
T: "What was going through your mind before you had a panic attack, Andy?"
A: "I- I was thinking of him." She let go of Roberts hand and put her elbows on her knees running both her hands through her hair but stopping half way letting her head rest on her hands. Robert softly rubbed her back. "I had a son before." She said looking back up. "He was three months when he died of SIDS." She said almost sounding cold.
At the end of their session they made more appointments and Andy got a prescription for Anxiety medicine that would hopefully help her keep the anxiety under control.
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"Babe, Do we still have Fruity loops?" Andy asked coming down the stairs. Robert was sitting at the dining table with work files in front of him. "Nope you finished them last night when you got up at 3 am." He chuckled. Andy walked up behind him and let her arms fall over his shoulders.
"Can you go get me some or do you still need to work." She said kissing his bald head. "I see what you are trying to do babe and it's cute but I really need to get these done for the chief. I'm sorry." he said apologetic. "Ugh fine, I will go myself." She mumbled getting her shoes. Robert got up and followed her.
"Here put on a jacket, it's cold." He held the jacket open so she could slip in. Robert pulled her closer to him and while she leaned against his chest with her back, he let his run over her belly. She finally popped and he loved it. While Andy still felt very self-conscious and unsure with now everyone being able to see that she's pregnant Robert never wanted to take his hands off her belly. He couldn't explain why or how it was even possible but Andy got even sexier with her pregnant belly. "I love you." He whispered into her ear. Andy turned around cupped his face and let their lips collide. "I love you too." She said as they broke apart. "I'll be back in 20 minutes or so."
In the grocery store Andy slightly leaned on the cart while she looked at all the selection of cereal. She just couldn't decide and it's been a while now so she figured she would call Robert. "Everything okay?" he asked worried. Andy had been doing better since they started therapy and she was on her anxiety meds but of course he still worried.
"Depends on how you look at it really."he said and Robert couldn't quite figure out what her tone of voice meant. "You are starting to worry me Andy, so just say what's going on please."
"Everything is fine babe. The selection is so big I can't decide." Robert laughed in relief. "And how am I supposed to help now? I don't know which are good, you know I don't eat that sugary cereal." He chuckled.
"I know I know, but like do I get something chocolaty or something fruity or maybe something more plain, like I just don't know." Robert really had a hard time not laughing again about how desperate she sounded. "How about one of each, 1 box won't last you long anyways." he suggested.
"Are you saying I am eating too much?" she asked insecure. Robert on the other end of the line slightly rolled his eyes. "Nope, you are growing another person, you need more food than usually."he explained himself trying not to sound annoyed, knowing her hormones were all over the place. "Good save." She said still a little annoyed. "Okay bye Robert."
"I love you" he quickly shouted into the ear while Andy was already hanging up. She was throwing some random boxes in her cat when another woman approached her.
"Pregnancy cravings?" she asked kindly. "Yea." Andy replied and smiled back. "Is it your first time pregnant?" the women continued the conversation and caught Andy completely off guard.
"I – uh – uhm – I – I need to go." She grabbed her cart and almost ran to the check out and then to her car. She sat in front of the wheel out of breath and she wasn't sure if this was because of panic or because she basically ran out of the store. She rested her hand against the steering wheel trying to calm herself down but her hands wouldn't stop shaking. Somehow Andy managed to dial Robert's number and put him on speaker.
"Still haven't decided?" he asked as he picked up but then he heard her crying. "Can you come please? I'm in my car but- I don't think I can drive." She sobbed. "What happened?" he asked worried while slipping on his shoes. "I'm okay, we are okay, just come please." She said between sobs.
"I'm on my way, just stay on the phone." He grabbed his keys and jogged to the shop. Luckily the store wasn't actually far away. Robert scanned the parking lot for Andy's car and spotted it quickly. Andy was still crying and shaking.
"I'm here Andy, what happened?" he asked after opening her door. "I was just – and then that women - I didn't..." she tried to explain. "You're okay Andy. Take deep breaths." He held a hand out so she could get out of the car and then he took her in his arms and held her close. Using the techniques they learned in therapy Andy was able to calm down with Roberts help. Andy sat back in the car in the passenger seat and Robert got into the driver's seat.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?"he asked her. "Nothing really happened. A women came up to me and asked me if this was my first time being pregnant and I-", she sighed and went through her hair, "It's stupid, I was stupid." She seemed to be done explaining but Robert kept looking at her waiting and she understood.
"I didn't know what to say and I panicked. I didn't want her to ask about Finn if I would have said that it isn't my first but if I wouldn't have said no... that would have felt so wrong and like I was just erasing him." she rambled.
"You can say whatever you want Andy, it was just some stranger. You can tell her your first baby is home, you can say that this is your first. Neither is going to erase Finn and neither means you don't love him or you forgot him. You just do what you have to. Finn will always know is mommy loves him." He took her hand and squeezed it. Andy smiled slightly.
"Can we go home now?" Andy asked and Robert nodded and started the car. They drove home in silence and Andy let Roberts words go through her head again. She knew how much she loved Finn and what other people think or say would never change anything and it wouldn't change the truth. They arrived soon and Robert took the bags with the cereal.
"I think I need a nap, is it okay if I take the couch?" she asked while she took off her jacket and Robert was putting away the cereal. "If I can join."
"Hmmm, I don't know about that, I think I need some time to think about that." She said after walking over and leaning against the kitchen counter behind Robert.
"You do hmm...well then." He picked her up and carried her to the couch where they laid down together. Usually Andy always protested when he picked her up, well expect for when they were having sex, but today she didn't protest at all. She was tired and just wanted to be close to him.
"Thank you for being there for me today." Andy mumbled right before she fell asleep in his arms. "I will always be here for you two." Robert said not caring if she was still awake or already asleep. He kissed her head and with one hand on her belly he closed his eyes as well.
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I hope you all liked this second part as well! I think this part isn't quite as dark as the first and i tried to put some lighter or at least cute scenes in between but yea i guess it's still mostly sad.
I also tried to not write the dialogue with R: and A: as i feel like that style ist just not very nice to read but I didn't manage to change it everywhere.
Okey enough rambling. Hope you liked part 2 :)
