Takes place after 4x16, so forget about 5x1
Some people might need a tissue for this
TW/ Mental illness, hospitalization, Talk about suicide
Don't forget this is a fic and not everything makes a 100% sense, I'm not a therapist and not very familiar with the system in the states!
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Day 2
„You know where Andy is? I haven't seen her come in." Robert asked Ben as they got into the Aid car after they finished a call. He wanted to sound casual but he's been itching to ask him since they left the station.
"She isn't on shift today, she took some leave... she hasn't told you?" Ben asked. „No, we... don't really... talk." Robert said swallowing the lump in his throat. "Do you Uhm... do you know why? I mean you've been talking to her right?" He asked now. Not talking to her, not even hearing a single word from her was hard on him.
"Yea I have... listen Robert... I told her to at least text you but if she hasn't then I would guess she doesn't want you to know... yet..." Ben said with empathy. "I'm still her husband-" he said louder now, "I still care about her, I still love her. She's my wife and she keeps leaving me in the dark." Robert said. He felt lost without her and each day his pain grew while Andy was shutting him out and ignoring every text or call. "I called her 5 times today and she won't pick up." Robert said hopeless.
"She's not ignoring your calls." Ben tried to comfort him. "What do you mean? You talked to her today?" Robert asked. Ben took a deep breath contemplating what to say and what to keep a secret.
"I saw her yesterday... I called her and she wasn't... she wasn't doing well. I took her to Grey Sloan..." Ben started to explain but Robert interrupted him. "She's in the hospital? What happened? She seemed fine after the last shift, we weren't even in a fire..." Robert started rambling but now it was Ben's turn to interrupt him. "It's not physical Robert, she checked herself into the psych ward..."
Robert couldn't find his words and stared at Ben in disbelief. „Wh- what?! Why didn't I know this? Why didn't she call me? I-." Robert sighed. „You are asking the wrong person Robert, really she didn't say much to me when I got to her hotel room."
„Andy?" Ben asked after he knocked on her room door but she didn't come to open. „Andy come on please open the door!" he tried again. This time he could hear some noises inside but still no reply. „Andy, if you don't open I'm gonna bust through the door!" he now threatened. After their phone call just 30minutes ago, he had been worried. He wanted to invite her to come have dinner with him and Miranda as an attempt to get her out of her hotel room but all that came from the other side of the line was rambling he couldn't understand through her sobbing.
Finally Andy opened the door just enough so he could get his arm in before it fell shut again. Andy was getting back in bed so Ben followed her and stood in front of the bed. This was quite a different sight to the Andy he usually saw on shift. Messy room, messy hair, empty eyes.
"Andy, what's going on?" He asked. "Nothing." She said cold and nothing was exactly what she was feeling, she might as well be dead in this moment. "Come on, who are you trying to fool here?" Ben asked a little annoyed. "I'm fine okay. Can you leave now?" Andy said with no emotions in her voice at all. "I am not leaving you like this Andy!" Ben insisted.
"YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER! SO CAN YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?" She started yelling at him but Ben had two teenage sons at home so a sudden outburst like this left him unfazed. Andy now got out of bed, frustrated with the unwelcomed visit. "Leave, just go." She pleaded and tried pushing him towards the door but as he's taller and stronger she didn't succeed. He swayed a little but didn't move from his spot.
"LEAVE!!" She yelled at him and while the anger that came out of her did surprise him he kept it cool and that seemed to crack Andy. Her face went from anger to pain within seconds and she started sobbing. "My dad died, he died for me, and Ryan died, and I couldn't save him and he died for me, it never should have been him, and my marriage is falling apart and my mom, she never wanted me, she hates me, she abandoned me, I was lied to my entire life." While she ranted on, her knees got week and Ben held her so she wouldn't fall to her knees.
With Andy in his arm he sat them down on the floor and leaned against the bed frame. "It should have been me, I should have died." She sobbed. Ben didn't say anything but held her until she calmed down a little.
"Andy, I know you don't want to hear this but... you need help, professional help. I don't feel good leaving you here so..." he paused for a second knowing she would put up a fight. "Let me take you to Grey Sloan, to the psych ward." Andy pushed herself off of him and looked at him. He wasn't sure what the expression on her face meant. "Check yourself in and get the help you need." Ben added. Andy kept looking at him while her mind was racing too fast to have a clear thought. "Okay." She whispered not caring enough about anything anymore to put up a fight.
When they arrived back at the station Robert jumped out and made his way to the captain's office. "Gibson, I need to leave for an hour or so, it's really important, it's Andy..." Robert said. "Okay, go." Jack told him and watched him leave, hoping Andy was alright.
Roberts mind was empty as he drove to Grey Sloan Memorial. Making his way inside quickly he reached the psych ward.
"Uhm, Hi, I'm here to see my wife Andrea Herrera." He told the nurse at the front desk. "I'm sorry, we have a note here saying she doesn't want any visitors for the time being." She said politely. "But I'm not anybody! I'm her husband!" He said angry, even when he knew it wasn't the nurse's fault. "I'm very sorry, I will leave a note, saying you came by."
Defeated Robert walked back to his car, once he was inside he couldn't hold back his tears. All he wanted was to be there for Andy but she didn't want to see him. He couldn't believe everything got so out of control after the wedding.
As they both arrived home in their separate cars, Andy directly went to their bedroom without a word, so he follower her upstairs. „What are you doing?" Robert asked as Andy went through her closet. „I'm gonna get a hotel room because I can't look at you for another second." she spat at him. Robert watched her fill a bag with clothes. „Come on Andy that's insane, let's just talk." he pleaded.
„Insane? You are calling me insane? YOU„ she started yelling but calmed herself down again, „I think there was enough talking, I will see you on shift and just to be clear I hope you won't get captain." she glared at him and walked out the door. „Would you really rather have them close 19? Andy! I saved 19!" he yelled after her but she didn't stop, she didn't turn around, she got into her car and drove off, just like that.
"Your husband came by earlier today, he wanted to see you." Anna said. Andy didn't know why but her eyes got teary and soon tears were dripping down her cheeks. She didn't want to cry over him when she was mad at him. It's barely been 24 hours since she came here but in that time she had spent more time crying than not. Her body was aching in pain and it felt like every breath she took was exhausting her more and more.
"I don't want to see him, he can go to hell." She mumbled. Truth was she didn't want to see anyone anymore, not like this, not when she was falling apart. She pulled both her legs up on the couch and rested her head on them. The medication they gave her made her sleepy and even now she could have fallen asleep in an instant but she didn't mind, at least the pain was gone then.
"Some harsh words, things are not going well between the two of you?" She asked and Andy huffed as a response. "I'll take that as a no." Anna concluded but waited for Andy to tell more. Andy leaned back on the couch and let her head fall back. "I don't wanna talk about him." Andy said and closed her eyes again.
"Okay, can you try tell me what lead you to the decision to check yourself in?" Anna asked, she had sat down with Andy a few hours after she came but didn't get a single word out of her that evening. She was told that a friend brought her in and that he mentioned he was worried she might do harm to herself.
Andy didn't know what to say, a million reasons were streaming through her head. She started to feel more restless and got up from the couch walking around the small office. The thoughts in her head started to drive her crazy and it wasn't just the pacing that quickened her breathing.
"I wanna get out, I wanna go home. This was a mistake this was a big mistake." She started rambling as her heart rate quickened and she had trouble catching her breath. It felt like the walls were closing in on her and she just threw open the door and walked out of the therapists office.
Anna followed her out to the corridor and saw her walking towards the ward doors. Andy tried to open them but of course they were locked. "LET ME OUT, I WANNA GO HOME." Andy cried as she kept trying to pull on the doors.
In the evening...
"Andy? Anna wants to finish your session." A nurse said popping her head into her room. Andy sighed but got out of bed and followed her. She had just laid down after dinner and even when the medication she got to calm her down had her sleeping for a few hours she had feared the day wasn't over for her yet.
"Hey, Andy." Anna said as the nurse brought her into the room. "Hi." Andy said quietly as she sat down on the couch. Her body was tense and she was embarrassed about how she acted out. "I'm sorry about earlier, this really isn't like me." She said. "Its fine Andy, how are you feeling now?" Anna asked.
"Embarrassed." She huffed and rubbed her forehead. "How come?" Anna tried to dig deeper. For Andy this was so obvious it felt stupid to answer but when Anna kept quiet she knew there was no way around it. "I acted like I was crazy and everyone saw it."
"And now? Did that change something?"
Andy looked at her a little confused. "I- I'm not sure I get where you are going..." she said with a questioning look." Did someone treat you differently afterwards?" Andy replayed dinner time when they all came together but nothing was different than before but then again it's not like she had talked to anyone since she was here and with her acting out like that she was sure no one would. "Uhm I guess not..."
"So why was it so bad for someone to see you?" Anna wanted to know. "Okay okay I see where you are going with this but I'm a firefighter! I'm strong and brave, I don't just lose my shit." Andy exclaimed annoyed with herself. "Is that too why you said you don't want any visitors?" Anna asked. Andy bit her lip and crossed her arms before replying. "Maybe..."
Day 4
"Ben, have you heard from Andy? I wanted to bring her soup or something but she's been ignoring my calls since she's sick." Vic said while she cleaned the windows of the aid car with Ben. "Uhm- she's okay." He said not sure how to answer the questions that started coming from the team as Andy was missing a second shift.
"So you talked to her?" Vic asked. "Not exactly..." Ben answered and walked to the back of the aid car to continue the cleaning there but Vic wasn't satisfied with his answer yet so she followed him around. "Come on dad, you know something and I need you to spit it out." Vic kept looking at him while Ben was contemplating what to do. "It's- get everyone together. It's time." Ben sighed. "Oh okay mister I speak in riddles now." Vic said and threw the cloth into the bucket and went to get everyone.
"Okay well now that you are all here-" Ben started standing in front of the team. He didn't get a chance to catch Robert before and tell him he would tell the team so that made him uneasy. "You all want to know what's up with Andy and why she's not picking up your calls. So... 4 days ago I drove her to grey Sloan and she checked herself in to the psychiatric ward. And before you all start talking, we failed her! She's our friend, she's one of us and we all kept our eyes closed from what's going on with her and if Pruitt was still here he would be furious with us!"
Everyone was shocked and looked at Robert for further explanation. "Don't look at me, she won't talk to me. I'm the bad guy here." Robert said and got up to leave. He had no interest in hearing them all discuss what could be going on with Andy, the only person he wanted to hear that from was Andy. "I'll talk to him." Maya said and went after him.
"She will realize no ones to blame for this whole mess." Maya said as she stood next to him on the catwalk. "She's not listening, hell she won't even let me visit her." Robert huffed frustrated. "Maybe she'll listen to me, I could try to explain it." Maya suggested. "Good luck." He couldn't hold back a chuckle. His hope for her to ever understand his motives were fading more and more each day.
Day 5
"I really don't feel like talking today." Andy grunted as she entered her therapist's office. "Okay, then what would you like to do?" Anna asked and Andy was surprised, she didn't really think she had a say. "Sleep." She said as she fell on to the couch.
"You didn't sleep well last night?" Anna followed up. "How could I not sleep with whatever you are giving me? It knocks me out completely. It's great." Andy said and meant it. It had become her favorite time now, days here were exhausting but at night it was just like she never existed. It was peaceful.
"You think it's great?" Anna asked and Andy got more and more annoyed with how Anna always had her facial expressions under control and showed nothing at all. "Of course, I don't have to think or feel anything and I can just... not exist for a while." She admitted and started biting her nails. This room made her feel uneasy, she hated this, she hated this couch and the grey buildings in front of the window and she hated talking.
"Do you sometimes wish that was a permanent state?" Andy's eyes wandered from the window to Anna but again she had no expression on her face at all and it started to make Andy furious.
"Are you asking me if I wish I was dead?" She asked angry. "Do you?" Anna asked and waited for an answer. But Andy didn't know how to answer this, or maybe she just didn't want to. "I said I don't wanna talk." She said quietly and looked away.
"Okay. Your husband wrote you a letter." Anna said and held out an envelope. Hesitantly Andy reached out and took the letter from her. "You can read it whenever you want." Andy nodded turning the envelope in her hands but she couldn't read it now, not here.
After dinner when all patients sat in the big common room, Andy picked up the letter again. The chatter from the other patients slowly faded away as she opened the letter and began to read.
Dear Andy,
I hope you are doing as well as you can, I hope you are getting better.
For everything that happened, with the promotions and Maya and us, I want to apologize for that. Never did I want to cause such a mess and I hope you can believe me that all I wanted was to help and save 19. They are your family and mine too now, 19 is your home and you deserve for your home to be intact and not split apart.
Looking at it now, making Gibson captain was probably a good move. I don't want us to fight over promotions anymore and I am so sorry because all those fights are my fault. If I would have never gotten that demotion all of this mess would have never happened.
But I know you well enough to know that our fight isn't the only thing that made you check yourself in and I want to apologize for not being a better husband to you. For not realizing how much you were struggling and that you needed help. I failed you but I am so glad you were able to make this step yourself and I am very proud of you Andrea.
Shifts without you feel weird, the team feels the same but what is way harder is being at home without you. You fill this place with live.
I can understand why you don't want to see me right now and while I hope you will change your mind about that soon, know I will be waiting until you are ready.
I hope you will be able to forgive me so that we can work on our marriage and I hope you are getting better.
I am very proud of you Andy.
I love you,
Robert.
Day 7
"Tell me about your parents." Anna suggested. Andy started biting her lip, she was aware that if she didn't talk, didn't open up nothing would change and as much as she wanted the pain to stop it felt like she had no energy to put into it. Outside the rain was clashing against the window and Andy watched the drops run down the glass.
Andy had never cried as much as she has within the last week and now again, tears slowly rolled down her cheeks before she even started to talk. "My dad died last year, he had cancer... but he died in a fire, saving me and my entire team." She wiped away some tears but new ones kept dripping down. "I'm sorry Andy. How was your relationship with him?" Anna asked. "It wasn't perfect but... he was the only family I had." She swallowed, knowing that soon Anna would ask about her mom.
"So your mom wasn't around?" she asked now. Andy looked down and her hands were looking for something to fidget with but the string of her hoodie wasn't there. She ran her hands over her face taking a deep breath.
"My mom left when I was 9 but I was told she had died. After my dad died I did some digging and turned out she wasn't dead she just didn't want to be my mom." She exhaled after blurting it all out in one breath. Annoyed she wiped away her tears again, she didn't want to cry about it anymore but the tears wouldn't stop.
"How did you react when you found out?" she asked. "Had a panic attack." Andy admitted with a slight chuckle. She wasn't one to quickly panic but thinking back, she had had a few in the past year. "And then?" Anna dug. "We talked a little but I- I couldn't stay there anymore so I left." Just talking about her made her feel restless and she started bouncing her leg.
"Have you talked to her since then?" Anna inquired. "I wouldn't call it talking but... she showed up at my hotel room, and before you ask yea it was the night before I came here."
"Who is it?" Andy shouted from her bed as she heard knocking on the door but she got no reply so she got up to open the door. When she opened the door and saw who it was Andy froze. "Andy, hey. I- maybe I should have called..." Elena said seeing her daughter's reaction.
Andy felt just like the night she found out her mom was still alive, her chest got tight but she tried to keep her cool. "What are you doing here?" Andy asked trying to sound unbothered while her heart was beating out of her chest.
"I wanted to check in on you." Elena explained. Andy raised her eyebrows. "You? You want to check in on me? You should have done that 20 years ago." She spat. "I was hoping we could work on our relationship." She pleaded desperate.
"On our relationship? We have no relationship!? You didn't want to be my mom remember?" Andy said angry, ready to shut the door into her face. "You're right and seeing you now it was a good decision! Your father messed you up! I'm glad I decided not to be your mom! Never should have had you to begin with." Elena hissed and walked away. Andy stood frozen in the door, her mom's words echoing through her head.
Slowly she closed the door and slid down against it sitting on the cold floor. Neither of these words should shock her anymore but she had held on to the hope, that her mom always regretted her decision to leave her. But even in that night she never apologized, she never said she regretted her decision to leave.
Maybe her mother was right and she never should have existed. After all her life was just a big mess now, and it was all her fault. For hours Andy said on the hard ground not being able to move or stop her mother's words that she kept hearing over and over.
Her hands were shaking when she got up and grabbed her car keys. It was the middle of the night now and she knew B-Shift would either be on a call or fast asleep, so she drove to the station and sneaked in.
She wouldn't get her hands on any opioids but she knew what medication a healthy heart couldn't handle. She searched through the cabinets of supplies and got everything she needed. Not for a second she thought about what she was doing here. On Autopilot she drove back to her hotel room without anyone from B-shift noticing she had ever been there.
Back in her hotel room she put everything on her nightstand and slowly she realized what she just did. The sun was already coming up while Andy paced around her hotel room. The reflection in the mirror didn't look like her anymore and she barely recognized herself.
Not in a million years did she think she would ever end up here but her life fell apart, piece by piece and now there was nothing left. Tears streamed down her face when her phone ringing pulled her out of her thoughts. Why she answered it? Andy didn't know. She could hear Bens voice but she couldn't listen. She rambled without really knowing what she was saying until she just hang up again.
Her tears ran out and every feeling she had left her body. She didn't care anymore, about anyone or anything. Andy got into bed, under the blanket and took the needle and drug from her bedside table. For a while she just stared at them until a knock on her door startled her.
„Andy?" she could hear Ben say from the other side of the door. Hoping he would leave again she stayed quiet but he didn't leave. „Andy come on please open the door!" Ben tried again. Knowing he wouldn't leave, she quickly hid everything under the pillow before she went to open the door.
"Andy?" Anna said trying to get her attention back. "Huh?" she got ripped from her flashback. "What were you thinking about? You were zoned out for a while." Andy sighed, all this talking was exhausting.
"She told me that she was glad she walked away from me. That my dad messed me up and... that she never should have had me." Andy swallowed down her feelings. Opening up had never been her thing, even with Robert it hadn't always been easy even when he had always felt like her safe place.
"It must have been hard hearing those words from your own mother." Anna sympathized. "Can't say I enjoyed it." Andy said sarcastic biting her nails. "Is there something else you want to tell me about that night?" Anna asked and Andy looked at her suspicious. "Nothing else happened." She said immediately and probably a little too fast and too loud.
"You sure?" Anna questioned. Fear of what would happen if she shared more about that night held Andy back. But then again, could it get any worse? She was already in a psychiatric ward and she was sure she couldn't fall any deeper.
"I-", Andy started but paused again when she didn't know how or what exactly to say. "I almost-", she stopped again, her eyes were locked onto the rain drops trickling down the window. "I had-", but she couldn't get herself to say it and got frustrated with herself. She sat slumped over, her hands supporting her head, which at the moment seemed too heavy for her soul to bear. "I wanted to kill myself." She said with a shaky voice not daring to look up after her confession.
Day 12
When Robert walked through the doors his stomach tuned into one big knot. It had been almost two weeks, two weeks of Andy being here and not wanting to see him. But it's been three weeks since the wedding, three weeks since they last talked. He had tried every day, trying and calling and coming by during visitor hours only to be told she refused to see anyone. And apparently now he was anyone to her while she still was everything to him.
The nurse guided him down a hallway and into one big room, there were multiple couches and tables with chairs in the room, each occupied by patients and their loved ones. „She's in the back." the nurse said to him with a smile and pointed to a corner. Robert made his way across the room, walking past all the families and couples and when he saw her sitting on an armchair in the corner of the room he stopped.
It was Andy, he had no doubt about it but something made her look different and very unfamiliar. She had one leg up on the chair and her elbow propped on it. Her curly hair was put together in a messy low ponytail. But what really caught his eyes and made him nervous was the look in her eyes. Empty but at the same time filled with pain.
He took a breath in and approached her. „Andy..." Robert said to get her attention, she hadn't taken her eyes off the empty vase that sat on the shelf the entire time. Andy startled at his voice and when she looked him in the eyes she felt her eyes getting watery immediately. „I'm sorry I didn't meant to scare you." he said softly.
„I just didn't hear you coming that's all, sit down." she said quietly with a slightly raspy voice as if she just woke up, or as if she had been crying. Robert sat down in the armchair across from her. He would have squeezed himself in that one armchair with her and he would have held her until things got better but he knew it didn't work like that.
„I- I know you are probably still mad at me..." he started looking down, „but uhm I brought you this." he held his hand out to Andy and she unfolded the fabric he had handed her. She knew the color too well and when the Seattle fire department Logo uncovered, a smile appeared on her face. The shirt was huge and by the smell of it, there was no doubt it was Roberts.
He had thought hard about what he should bring her. Flowers might always be an option but they seemed basic and in the end flowers always die. The night after Andy had knocked on his door and poured her heart out to him was the first time she put on one of his crew shirts. And he couldn't deny it, it annoyed him more times than not, especially when he had to wear a smelly shirt again because Andy had taken his last clean one but after a while he got used to it. He planned when to do his laundry counting in that Andy would steal one at some point. While in the beginning he didn't understand why she kept wearing his shirts, he didn't mind it after Andy told him that it was comforting to her. And that's what he was hoping it would do now too even when she was mad at him.
„Thank you Robert." Andy said still smiling but while she kept the shirt in her hands the smile faded away. „I'm glad you let me come." he said. Neither knew what to say and a heavy silence hung over them. Andy's eyes went back onto the vase but Robert couldn't take his eyes off of her. „I was worried... I am worried. Andy, I never meant to- to hurt you like this." Robert said. Part of him knew that he couldn't be the only reason for Andy to check herself in but how couldn't he feel responsible?
He knew putting himself up for captain was the right move. The chief never would have made Andy captain after Mayas insubordination towards him. Another female captain with no experience as captain, he wouldn't have agreed to that, Robert knew him well enough to know that. The only solution he saw, was suggesting himself, someone who had years of experience as captain and even battalion chief. He didn't think it would cause problems, at least not problems between him and Andy but then she slept on the couch, then stayed at a hotel and now was in the psych ward of grey Sloan memorial.
"Remember that shift after... when we had the inspection?" She started, her eyes were wandering through the room, looking at everything but him, even when he was all she wanted. The way he made her feel save when everything around her was falling apart but she realized that it wasn't doing her good, falling into his arms and forgetting all her issues. It felt great in the moment but in the long shot it made her avoid dealing with what was actually happening.
"I told you I felt brittle, like a strong wind could break me..." her voice broke and she looked up blinking away the tears that started pooling in her eyes, "and then we had that fight..." she took another break. Robert could see her internal struggle in her eyes. The way she was trying to fight her urge to keep her pain inside and never let anyone see it. Apparently not even him, her husband. He always thought she was able to open up to him but only now he started to realize how much of her pain she had kept from him.
"I thought that was it. I know I was mad and yelling at you all the time so maybe it didn't look like it but- I- I felt like I fell on to a hard ground." She sniffled. Robert leaned forward and put his hand on hers but she pulled it back immediately.
"Andy, I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to do what's right and I tried to explain that so many times but- i don't know I guess I never found the right words." He swallowed and leaned back into his seat. He looked defeated.
"The wind that broke me - it wasn't you...or maybe it was you but not only you, I- ugh." She sighed frustrated. "I'm still trying to figure it all out really. I -" she took a deep breath trying to figure out how to explain what lead to her being here now. "My mom showed up." She blurted out and Roberts's eyes went big in surprise.
"When?" He asked confused. "The night before I came here..." Andy whispered. "What happened?" He asked. Andy started biting on her nails and it didn't go unnoticed by Robert. She never did that before, at least not for the time they knew each other.
"You don't have to tell me." He said quietly and despite seeing how shaken up she still was by this, it did pain him that she couldn't open up to him. It wasn't him she had called for help, she felt better calling Ben and she didn't even tell him that she was going here, he had to hear it from someone else.
"She- we didn't have a conversation... she just talked and I listened and - I can't really explain it but it felt like she ripped open all of my wounds even some that didn't have anything to do with her." She wiped away tears that were silently rolling down her cheeks.
It wasn't like Robert to not know what to say or do but he had never seen her like this. He had seen her fall apart after her dad died but this still felt different. Maybe it were the white hospital walls that surrounded them and the other families that were scattered across the common room or the nurses that watched everything with eagles eyes or maybe, maybe it was that look in her eyes he hadn't seen before.
"I can't do this Robert, I'm sorry." She said through her tears as she got up and hurried out of the room. Usually he would have ran after her but Robert knew there was no point.
Day 13
"How did your husband's visit go the other day?" Anna asked. "Oh come on they probably already told you that I ran out crying." Andy said annoyed. She wasn't used to so little privacy and being watched like she is here. "True, but I want to hear from you how it went." She explained. Andy shifted uncomfortably, how should she explain how it went when she didn't even know herself. She didn't know why she started crying or why she felt the need to run out.
"I-" she started just to fill the silence, "he brought me his t-shirt." When she saw she had to explain further she continued. "I always steal his work shirts and he used to hate it but I don't know... when he's not around wearing his shirt brings me the comfort he usually gives me. I sound pathetic." She had to chuckle and blushed a little.
"You sound in love." She corrected. "That's the thing, I love him, I love him so much it drives me crazy but he passed me over, he pushed Maya out of the way to get captain. I don't know how I can trust him."
"Has he misused your trust before?" Anna asked intrigued. "He-", she thought about it for a second, "not really." She concluded and leaned back on the couch crossing her arms in from of her. "So what do you think has broken your trust in him then?" she questioned further. "I don't know, aren't you supposed to tell me that?" Andy asked with an attitude. Anna chuckled a little. "No, I'm supposed to help you find it out yourself." Anna corrected Andy. "Great." She grunted frustrated.
"Can you think of other times someone has broken your trust?" Anna now asked. "My dad... I mean he let me believe my mom was dead for 20 years, I wonder if... if he would have ever told me if he wouldn't have died." Andy said and started biting her nails which has become a recurring habit since she came here.
Anna nodded. "So your dad, the person closest to you, lied to you for most of your life?" she followed up. "And now I have trust issues, that's where you are going with this right?" Andy sighed. "Maybe." She smiled a little.
"You mentioned Maya, she's your friend from work right?" Anna asked to make sure she had things right. "Yea, we... we used to be best friends." Andy added. "But not anymore?" she questioned. "No, but we are getting back there." Andy sighed. "What happened?" Anna wondered. "She stole my job after... well important thing is she stole my job. But that's in the past, we are friends now. We're good."
Anna nodded and took a second to write down some notes. Andy hated that there were files with everything she told her and she hated this slow process. It would be so much simpler if Anna just told her the things she was supposed to figure out herself.
"Where's the difference for you, between what Maya did and what your husband did?" Andy furrowed her brows not really understanding what the point of this question was. "Maya stole my job but Robert he-", she paused looking for words when a realization hit her, "he didn't even steal my job..." she whispered as the realization hit her. "But he was ready to do so! He was ready to push everyone out of his way for a promotion!" Andy now said angry again.
Day 20
"Andy!" Michelle said exited as she approached her. "Hey." Andy said while she hugged her tight. They both sat down on the couch and Andy felt awkward, not knowing what to say.
"How are you doing?" Michelle asked and caught Andy off guard with her question. She raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. "I'm your prima hermosa, you can talk to me." Michelle assured her.
"I- I don't think this is working for me..." Andy admitted. "Nothing's changing." She huffed frustrated. "You've been here a week, I think you should give it more time. Nothing will change overnight." Michelle encouraged her. "But if it won't help you, I will help you find something that's going to help, okay? You are not alone." Andy smiled a little. She had missed her prima Hermosa and couldn't help but wonder how life would have been if they always had each other. If they hadn't been pulled apart by her mom's decision, if they had grown up together.
"There's something you should know. Elena got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder a few years ago, she never told us until 3 weeks ago." Michelle said. Andy bit her lip as the news sunk in. It brought her new questions but she didn't want to think about her mom anymore.
Trying to distract herself she changed the subject without ever saying anything to the news. "How are Tia and Tio doing?" she asked. "They are fine. Like always. Nothing's ever wrong with them." Michelle chuckled but Andy could sense she was frustrated. "What's wrong?" she asked her. "Just the same as always, ignoring the fact I have a girlfriend, not being happy with my job." Michelle sighed.
"What's wrong with your job?" Andy asked a little confused. "In their eyes counselling is useless." She answered a little hesitant but she knew what Andy would ask next. "So Mental health isn't a thing for them right? What did they have to say about me being here?" she asked not sure if she even wanted to know the answer.
"Well, they said you don't belong here and ... that you just have to fix your marriage." Michelle said annoyed. "But you know they are wrong, so don't get hung up on it. And anyway they love you so much, they will just pretend it never happened." She added when she saw Andy face. "Sure let's forget and move on... at least now I know where I got that from, it's a family problem." She bit her lip.
Day 25
"Seems like you are struggling to find a start." David said standing next to her looking on her empty canvas. "I just don't get the point of this. I don't paint, never really have." She said annoyed. Over three weeks here and she didn't feel like anything was changing and she was getting impatient.
"It doesn't need to have any meaning, just chose something random or abstract." He suggested. "So I draw some random lines and shapes and that's supposed to help me?" She asked a little sassy and David, the art therapist had to chuckle a little. "Exactly, that's how it works." He teased her.
Knowing she had to sit here for another 40 minutes whether she painted something or not Andy took a brush into her hand and painted black lines until the whole canvas was covered in black. "Yup, I'm done. This is exceptional art and I'm healed now." She said sarcastic as David walked past. "Oh yea this would go for millions at an art auction. Try to add at least one color." He said and Andy sighed but did as she was told.
When Andy laid down the brush and looked up she noticed the room was empty now, only David was sitting at the table. "Someone doesn't like painting huh?" He teased her and Andy appreciated that at least one person here wasn't so uptight. "Fine I'll admit, maybe it wasn't that bad." She rolled her eyes a little.
He looked at her drawing now. "Fire Huh?" Andy shrugged her shoulders. "I'm a firefighter."
Day 30
"Hey Ben, thanks for coming. Sit down." Andy said as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Hey, thanks for letting me come." He said in his dad voice. "You know the others would love to come to visit as well." He added. "Yea, I know." She pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear.
Today she wasn't at her usual spot, the couch in the back corner, instead she had chosen to sit down at one of the many tables in the room when she waited for Ben. Not sure why she had made that decision, she was glad now though, at least he couldn't see her leg bouncing like that. But it also felt weird and so formal.
"I- I wanted to say thank you." Andy started looking up at him. "For bringing me here and everything, I know I acted crazy." She scratched her forehead a little to avoid looking at him.
"After everything you've been through this last year, it's understandable." Ben said empathic. "You have every right to act a little crazy." He added lightly and a little smile crept onto Andy's face as she shook her head slightly.
"I wanted to apologize." Ben said now. Andy looked at him confused. "Apologize for what?" she asked and worry that something she didn't know about happened while she was here flooded her body. "None of us noticed how you were struggling. We were bad friends and a bad family to you. You deserved better." Ben explained.
Day 35
„What's on your mind?" her therapist asked as she noticed Andy was drifting off into her own little world. „I miss Ryan." she whispered. Tears immediately started to roll down her cheeks. „You haven't mentioned him before." the therapist stated. „He was my best friend... since like ever, since we were toddlers." Andy sniffled.
She couldn't sit still any longer and got up from the couch that in the past week she learned to love and hate. Andy was learning a lot about herself in this room, but it came at a cost. Reliving her traumas, opening wounds that never healed properly. She walked to the window and looked out, but besides grey buildings and a grey sky there wasn't much to see.
„Was?" Anna asked. „He died." she replied and she didn't mean to but she couldn't help sounding cold like it didn't bother her at all. „I'm sorry you lost your friend. Can you tell me something about him?"
„He... was a police officer, lived across the street most of the time...he- was there for me when my mom left-„ Andy paused, realizing this was the first time she didn't automatically say her mom died. "He understood me like no one else ever has, and when Robert and I were still a secret, he was the only one I could talk to about it, in fact he knew we were a thing before I ever told him." A little smile came on to her face as she remembered that conversation. But as her memory kept playing her smile faded away.
"Sounds like he was a really good friend. How did he die?" she asked, sensing there was more to it. Feeling her knees get weaker she sat down right where she was standing and leaned against the wall. Anna, who now couldn't see her, got up to sit down next to her.
"You probably read about it, it was all over the news. Police officer shot by 3 year old." Andy said with a shaky voice. She tried her best to keep her tears at bay but with the images on her mind she couldn't hold back and started sobbing. "I was there. I – he pushed me away. I tried to save him but I couldn't. And he bled out in front of me." She said between sobs. "It should have been me, that bullet would have hit me if he hadn't stepped in front of me. He save me but I couldn't save him." She almost screamed now and it felt like her lungs were filling with water, taking away her air. Her head fell onto her knees as her whole body quivered.
"Andy, look at me Andy." Anna said and Andy slowly raised her head. "Breath with me." She instructed Andy and after a while she managed to calm down a little.
"Why does it still hurt like that?" Andy asked quietly while tears silently ran down her cheeks. "What did you do after he died? How did you cope?" Anna asked. "I- I went to work, I needed the distraction." Anna nodded understanding. "What emotions did you feel?"
"Anger, I don't think I felt much else. I couldn't let myself. Each time I think about him..." she took a breath, "I see him dead on the floor and my hands covered in his blood." She shook her head hoping the image would disappear.
"Okay you know usually I let you figure out everything for yourself but I am going to tell you this: You were traumatized by his death and you're body went into fight or flight mode. You chose flight, you chose not to deal with anything. So now, it hurts like this because it's the first time you let yourself grieve him. That's why after over a year it hurts like this."
Day 40
„Robert, I am so sorry." she said with tears in her eyes as she took his big hand into hers. „I put you through so much pain only because I couldn't deal with my own. I know that now, I see it now. The whole captain thing... I felt betrayed because instead of suggesting me, your wife, as captain, you put yourself up and... That's kind of what my mom did. But you did nothing wrong and I'm sorry I wasn't able to see that right away."
He had seen that look in her eyes before. After his surgery when just for a second she thought he regretted their marriage. „Thank you Andy. I did think it was your turn to be captain." he said and Andy looked at him with surprise. "I would have suggested you but I know SFD guys like chief McAllister, he would have never went for another female captain with little experience as captain, no matter how good you are." He explained.
Andy took a second to take in what he had just told her. "You never told me that..." she said quietly. "Well, you weren't exactly the best listener at the time." Robert said carefully, not wanting to upset her. "I know" Andy admitted.
He caressed her hand with his thumb and looking at their hands he had to smile.
„What?" she asked with a slight chuckle. "I love how you need both hands to hold one of mine." He said looking up at her again and seeing a smile appear on her face was the best thing he had seen in weeks.
Robert gently pulled her into his side and she immediately leaned her head against his chest. In that moment he knew they would work things out, it might take time until they are in their happy bubble again but he had no doubt they would make it.
"I wanna come home." She whispered into his embrace. "I want you to come home too." He said and kissed her forehead. "But..." he started and Andy lifted her head to look at him, "are you ready?" He asked concerned.
"I think I am and I will continue my session's outpatient. I know there's still more work to do. And Uhm maybe you could join sometimes?" She now asked hesitantly, knowing her husband was not one to open up quickly especially not to a complete stranger.
"Yea, I think that will be good for us. Why are you looking so surprised?" He chuckled seeing his wife's surprise written all over her face. „You don't like opening up, I thought I'd have to convince you more." She admitted and shrugged her shoulders. „You don't have to convince me to work on our marriage. I will do a lot of things that I don't like for you, for us." Robert said caressing her cheeks. And despite the fact that they were in a hospital, in the psych ward, in a room full of other patients and their friends and families Andy pulled his face down to her and devoured into a soft kiss.
Day 41
"I want to go home." Andy said as she entered the office. "Good morning to you too." Anna laughed. "I want to go home, I feel good." Andy said determined. Anna raised her eyebrows at Andy. "Okay fine, I feel... better." She corrected. "But I still want to go home. I've been here for ... what, like 5 weeks now? Shouldn't I be ready to go home?" she asked sitting down on the couch now. "That's a hard question to answer. There's no time limit on this." Anna explained. Andy looked at her waiting for an answer to her initial question.
"You admitted yourself, so I can't make you stay. You can sign out whenever you want but I would suggest you stay about another week. I think you will benefit from it." Anna suggested. "Another week?" Andy asked annoyed and Anna nodded. "I-", Andy wanted to protest but didn't know what to say. "Why do you want to go home now?" she asked. "I- I miss my husband, I want to go back to work." Andy sighed.
"Going home does not mean you are going to get cleared for work Andy." Anna said serious. Andy got up and walked to the window looking out, her arms crossed in front of her. Her blood boiling from anger, she tried to keep her emotions under control and not start shouting or crying. "When do you think I can get cleared for work?" she asked with a shaky voice. "It's hard to say honestly, I don't like to make predictions." Anna admitted.
"Can you take some time and think about staying another week?" Anna asked her. "Fine." Andy grunted. "Good. Is there something specific you want to talk about today?"
Day 42
When Robert approached her he could see she wasn't in yesterday's positive mood like she was when he left as visiting hours came to an end. After visiting her almost her every day he didn't have to be on shift in the past month, he knew though that he could never know what to expect. Each time was different, she was different each time.
"Hey" he said soft and sat down next to her. Andy wrapped her arms around him immediately. "Hey." She whispered into his embrace. Robert just held her and waited for her to make the first step and speak and it didn't take her too long.
"Anna said I should stay another week...but I don't know, I just want to go home with you." She said and a single tear rolled down her cheek. "There's no need to hurry Andy, give it another week and I will be here as many times as I can." He promised and kissed her head.
"I just don't see how one week will change anything." She huffed annoyed. "You'll see in a week." He teased her and Andy pouted so Robert hugged her a little tighter.
"Can you tell me about some calls you went on?" she asked desperate to have some distraction from her own troubles.
Day 47
"Our session is almost over." Anna said with a look at her watch. "I want to use the last minutes to talk about you going home. I think you are ready, and I would like to release you on Friday." She said with an encouraging smile. "You do?" Andy got excited and a big smile appeared on her face.
"I do." Anna laughed. "We will schedule you appointments for outpatient therapy and I want you to continue the medication you are on right now." Andy rolled her eyes a little, while at first she didn't care about the medication and even kinda liked sleeping a lot, now she felt more than ready to be done with all of them. "Do I need to worry that you'll stop taking them?" Anna asked seeing Andy's reaction.
"No." Andy sighed. "I don't like it but I get it." She added.
Day 50
Robert peeked his head into her Room, seeing Andy trying to close her last bag. "Hey, need help?" he asked and Andy turned around to him and smiled at him. "Nope, I'm all good and ready to go!" She stepped in front of him to give him a kiss.
Robert held her close. "Ready for a new chapter?" he asked looking at her. "I couldn't be any more ready." She caressed his cheek. "We only have to go get my things they took and I think I need to sign out and then we can go home." Andy said. "Well then let's go."
They took the bags and went to the nurse's station to get Andy's things and sign out. A nurse opened the ward doors for them and let them out.
As the doors fell shut behind them Andy stopped and looked back. "Regrets?" Robert asked. "No regrets at all, only wish I would have gotten help earlier. But dwelling on it won't change a thing." She sighed. Robert took her free hand. "Let's go home."
