Happy (or not so happy...) Station 19 day! I wrote this Oneshot with LemonLyman2002 (wattpad) and I love how it turned out! Go check out her book for more of her amazing writing!! And if you're on Twitter go follow @ surreralove1923
TW/ Assault
Theo walked out of the bar happy, he had a great time with everyone and was now eager to go to sleep. He had parked a block away so luckily he didn't need to walk too far. When he passed an alley, he heard heavy breathing. He wasn't sure at first if he had heard correctly and should check but his instinct to always help made him step into the alley.
"Hello, is someone here?" He asked as he tried to see if someone was there. As he walked further he saw someone sitting against the wall. "Are you hurt?" He asked but still got no response. Only as he got closer did he realize it was Andy. "Andy! Oh my god what happened?" He asked as his eyes wandered over her. She looked nothing like when she left the bar. A bruise forming on her forehead, blood everywhere, her hair wild and her eyes empty. As if he wasn't there her eyes were fixated on something else. He followed where she was looking and saw someone else. Laying on the floor not moving.
It was a man that, weirdly enough, he felt he had seen before. Blood was all over his abdomen and as he held his finger to his pulse point he got confirmation of what he already believed. He was dead.
Quickly he was back by Andy's side, pulling out his phone and calling 911.
Meredith and Schmidt met the ambulance as it pulled up to Grey Sloan. When the doors opened they were shocked to see Andy inside.
"What... Herrera what happened?" Meredith asked as the paramedic helped roll her into the ER. When she got no response, she turned to Theo who after a lot of begging had been allowed to tag along in the aid car.
As Meredith questioned Theo, Schmidt stood off to the side in shock. He didn't know what to say. He couldn't help but think back to their first interaction and how she had taken charge of the situation. She was a force of nature and frankly even after all these years he was still a little terrified of her. But now, the woman lying in front of him was a shell of her former self. All of the fiery passion that normally filled her eyes was gone.
Andy got checked out and her cuts were taken care of. Despite it all, physically she had gotten away quite well. How it affected her mentally was another story.
Andy was sitting on the exam bed, dressed in a hospital gown. She couldn't lay down anymore but didn't have the strength in her to pace around. Her ponytail that sat perfectly for her night out with 23 now in a messy tangle. Her eyes pinned on the floor, the joy she had on her face just an hour ago, when she was drinking with her team, had left and there was no sign of life. Her legs hanging off the side while her hands wouldn't stop shaking, the hands that just killed a man.
Theo sat on the chair next to the door. Every attempt to talk to her had failed so he opted to just sit and be with her for the time being. Never had he experienced her this quiet.
"Can you give me my bag?" she whispered. Theo, surprised to hear her voice again, jumped out of his seat handing her the bag.
With shaky hands she fumbled through her things until she found the desired item.
The cold round item now in her hand she let her bag fall to the ground. It was giving her a tiny ounce of comfort in a situation she wasn't sure how she got into. Some may think it was just a stupid marble, insignificant to those who didn't know. To her however, the marble and her memories was all she had left of her best friend.
"Andy, they called Robert. He's still your emergency contact and he texted that he will be here in 10 minutes." Theo said, putting his phone back into his pocket. He wasn't sure if Andy even heard him. She didn't look up, her eyes stayed on the cold marble she rolled between her fingers.
For her, time didn't exist anymore. Nothing did. She was numb, she felt nothing, she heard nothing. Her focus solely on the cold marble in her hand. That was until she felt a hand on her shoulder.
She didn't need to look up to know who it was. The way the touch made her feel told her all she needed to know.
"It's okay. I got you." He said sitting down next to her and pulling her into his arms. The dam broke and her tears started flowing out as she sobbed.
Even after everything, one thing stayed the same. He made her feel.
Robert never left her side when the police came to collect her statement. He continued to hold her hand, giving her the moral support she needed to retell the hardest event of her life. After a few hours Andy was cleared to go home and she shuddered at the thought of returning to her cold dark apartment.
"Would you like to come stay with me... just for a little while until you're stronger... I don't want you to be alone," Robert asked, sensing where Andy's mind was going as they walked out the hospital. "Of course, if you prefer I can call Theo to bring you over to his and Vic's place or see if Maya and Carina..."
Andy stopped him there. "I want to stay with you."
Robert was glad she had agreed to stay with him. Andy would never be an inconvenience. Actually it was the complete opposite, he would always put down whatever he was doing to be there for her. With one hand on the steering wheel and the other in Andy's hand he drove them back to his place.
Robert opened the door and guided Andy through. She just stood there staring into nothing while Robert closed the door behind them. Quickly slipping out of his jacket and shoes he took Andy's hand guiding her up the stairs into the bathroom.
Robert went to get her some towels. As he came back into the bathroom she was still standing in the middle of the room, not having moved an inch and just barely holding herself up.
Like a doll he carefully undressed her, being gentle around her cuts and bruises, trying his best not to cause her any more pain.
Pulling her shirt over her head his eyes rested on hers. Eyelids hanging low, her eyes looked dead. It pained him to see her this way.
The two lapsed into silence, the only sounds heard being the splashing of water as Robert washed off the dirt and blood that caked her skin. Instinctively Andy curled in on herself, hugging her knees tightly as she sat in the tub and fixed her eyes on the tile floor.
After Andy's skin was as clean as he could get it, Robert moved to wash her hair. Her normally sleek curls were tangled together in listless knots. They felt coarse to the touch, having gone hard from the beer and tequila that was poured onto her head during the fight.
Rummaging through the back of his bathroom closet Robert found a bottle of lavender-scented shampoo that Andy had left behind almost two years ago. At first he had assumed she would be gone for a few days so he never threw out any of her toiletries. As time went on he still clung to the belief that one day Andy would show up on his doorsteps, tell him she still loved him, and he could welcome her back to their home as if she had never left.
After applying some of the shampoo to his hands Robert gently massaged it into Andy's scalp. Andy recognized the smell almost immediately and when she did, a small smile crossed her face for the first time in hours.
He was so good to her. Even after all the hurt she had caused him he always knew exactly what she needed and how to take good care of her. The thought that she had hurt someone so kind made her break out into sobs again.
When Robert asked if she was okay, Andy shook her head but didn't say a word. Robert rubbed circles into her back to calm her down and after a few minutes he started washing her hair again. Once he was finally done Robert bundled Andy in his towels and guided her to his bed. Knowing it would comfort her, Robert passed her one of his old crew shirts to put on and then tucked her in.
"I'm going to go sleep in the guest bedroom. Try and get some rest." However, as he moved to leave Andy's voice, no louder than a whisper, called out to him.
"Please don't leave me."
Robert hesitated for only a second before quickly changing and climbing into bed next to her. He pulled her body close to his and she instinctively rested her head where it used to lay each night, but hadn't in a long time. Getting her checked out at the hospital and the police doing their thing took a while so half the night was already gone. He was wide awake before but now that he was laying down and holding Andy, sleep was overcoming him quickly. He tried to fight it off until Andy was asleep but failed desperately. A few minutes later he was fast asleep.
A couple hours later, Robert woke up and he turned over, expecting to meet Andy's warm body but when he reached out to stroke her arm he was met with ice cold sheets. His heart stopped.
All the memories of the last night they had spent together in their house came crashing back to him.
After Maya and Carina's wedding Andy reluctantly returned home with Robert. She didn't say a word to him and instead just changed out of her dress and went to bed. Robert tried talking to her but after being met with nothing but silence he gave up and fell asleep.
For four hours Andy tried to fall asleep, but everytime she almost did she was reminded that she was lying next to a man that had gotten her transferred from her own fire station. That he had caused her best friend to lose her title on what was supposed to be the happiest day of her life. All she could feel was an all-consuming sense of anger and betrayal. Realizing she needed to get away from him, Andy quietly got out of bed, packed some of her clothes and skin care items into a duffle bag, and drove to crash at Vic's place.
By the time Robert began to stir as the sun came up, Andy was long gone. No note and no goodbye.
Thinking about that night and the weeks and months that followed made Robert shudder. He couldn't believe that she had left him again. He called out to her, hoping that she was just in the bathroom but nobody responded. He ran down the stairs two at a time. Though the living room and kitchen were empty he noticed that the back door was slightly ajar.
Outside, he found Andy sitting on his porch staring straight ahead in an almost catatonic state. She was shivering in the cool early spring weather.
Last night she had laid in Robert's arms wide awake. While he fell asleep in an instant she was wide awake.
The house was making noises she had never heard before, leaving her on edge. Andy knew it didn't make sense, she was safe now, he was dead after all. But she didn't feel safe, his presence even when asleep was the only thing keeping her in bed.
Telling herself over and over that she was safe, she tried closing her eyes for some rest. But as soon as she closed them she saw everything again.
She laughed as she walked out the bar, rounding the corner. Never in a million years would she have thought 23 could become her home. They were the slugs of SFD. Everyone knew that and it took a long time for them to warm up to her and vice versa. But now things were improving every shift, and so was the entire team's performance. They were finally a unit and working like one.
The sky was clear, but the city lights were preventing her from seeing any stars. She had decided to walk home instead of calling an Uber as her new apartment wasn't that far. Andy pulled the sleeves of her jacket over her cold hands.
The walk home seemed like the perfect ending to a great night but suddenly hands grabbed her from behind pulling her into a dark alley. She tried to free herself of the tight grip and managed to slip out of her jacket. But the freedom was only momentary. The man, much bigger than her, shoved her into the wall, pinning her down.
Andy opened her eyes and sat up. There was no way she'd be getting any sleep tonight. For a second she thought about getting up but being somewhere alone in the dark house didn't seem very appealing to her, so instead she laid back down into his arms, trying her best to stop every memory that her mind would play.
Only as the sun came up hours later did she finally feel confident enough to leave his arms and that's how she found herself sitting on the porch in just a shirt. It wasn't enough to keep her warm but she didn't feel the cold. She didn't feel anything at all.
"Andy, let's go inside." When she made no effort to move Robert tried again but she ignored his words.
"I didn't see it coming..." she said quietly. As he hoped she would open up more, he moved to sit down next to her. Quietly he waited for her to continue, knowing that pushing her would only drive her away.
"I - I was careless. We had a good time and I had some drinks and was just happy. I shouldn't have walked home alone, I shouldn't have drunk so much, I ... maybe I should have worn something else, maybe-" she rambled on. It seemed like she had finally found her voice again after all the quiet whispers. But she was spiraling into the wrong direction, so Robert interrupted her.
"Andy, this wasn't your fault." he took her hands to get her full attention and despite the fact she didn't look at him he knew she was listening. "Your blood alcohol level wasn't high, they checked at the hospital, remember? And Theo told me you just had two beers and a shot. You weren't drunk Andy." he paused shortly, thinking about how to continue, he needed to make sure he was using the right words. "Walking home alone at night should not be that dangerous."
Andy let the words sink in, the logical part in her knew he was right, knew that getting attacked wasn't her fault, she didn't ask for it to happen. But maybe how it ended was her fault. It wasn't her intention but that didn't change the outcome. She hugged her knees tightly, letting her head rest on top of them.
"He was at the bar and I... I flirted with him, we flirted." she confessed to him. She didn't want to say it to him, rubbing in his face that she was moving on but the what ifs tormented her. What if she hadn't flirted with him? Would she have gotten home safely? Would it have changed anything or was she his target anyways?
She went to the bar to get another round for the group. As she waited for the drinks she noticed eyes resting on her and as she looked over she wasn't disappointed. He was no Robert Sullivan but who was she kidding her standards had dropped very low at this point.
Andy smiled at him and he wasted no time walking over to her. "Hey there." he returned her smile and checked her out, letting his eyes wander down her body.
"What's a beautiful woman like yourself doing here all alone at the bar?" He smirked at her. "Who says I'm alone? Do you think I'm drinking all of this alone?" she asked jokingly as the bartender put a bunch of drinks in front of her. "Maybe they could wait a little." he smirked and Andy pretended to contemplate. "I guess they could." she smirked back at him.
"I'm going to be honest here, I've never seen anyone as beautiful as you." he charmed. Andy couldn't help but blush even when it was such a cliche statement. To him that apparently seemed like an invitation as he moved closer to her putting his hand on her hip moving it down slowly.
Andy was quick to push his hand away. "I better get back to my friends now." she cleared her throat grabbing the drinks. "I'll be around for a while." he said and smiled as she walked away.
"What was that?" Theo asked as she joined them again. "Ugh someone who doesn't understand signals," she grunted, annoyed. "Yea he keeps looking at you." Theo said disgustedly. "Whatever, I won't let him ruin our night." Andy said, taking her drink and joining the conversation of the rest of the team.
Tears flooding her sight, she hugged her knees tightly. "I killed him, Robert. I killed someone." she sobbed, her head dropping down onto her knees, hiding her face from him. She had never felt the need to hide her feelings from him but now? Now it was different. The way she had treated him this past year, she didn't deserve his compassion.
And how did it happen that after everything, he was the one by her side, whereas her so called family was nowhere to be seen.
Robert put his arm around her back, gently pulling her into him. It was painful for Robert to see Andy, who normally was full of life, in this state. He felt completely helpless as she gripped onto his body for dear life and cried so hard that his shirt was soaked through. He ran his fingers through her hair and after a few minutes her sobs turned into quiet sniffles.
Robert quickly scooped her up in his arms and laid her down on the couch with a blanket that had been her favorite of his before. At that exact moment, his stomach loudly rumbled so he went to make them some breakfast. Chocolate chip pancakes paired with a strawberry banana smoothie were always what Andy had requested for him to make her on their days off and he wanted to give her something he knew she'd appreciate.
He set her plate down on the coffee table but she made no move. "I made your favorite." Robert smiled thinking back to the last time he made it for her.
"Andy come on. Get out of bed" he shouted from the kitchen. It was an off day and as per usual Andy did not want to get up at all. "I told you I have plans for us and I want to leave before the sun goes down," he joked but still he heard no movements from upstairs.
"I made chocolate chip pancakes and a strawberry banana smoothie," he shouted. And suddenly from his place in the kitchen Robert could hear someone jumping out of bed. She came running down the stairs faster than when the alarm at the station went off.
Andy sat down at the breakfast table where Robert had set up everything. "Come on, sit down." Andy ordered impatiently. "So now I am the slow one?" Robert chuckled. He walked behind her and leaned down placing a kiss on her cheek.
"Why is it that I can only coax you out of bed with food?" Robert teased her. "I wouldn't say only food. I could think of something else but we'd probably end up in bed again," she smirked. "Is this a challenge? Are you saying it's getting too boring," he raised his eyebrows. "If you ask like this it definitely is." Andy laughed as heat rushed through her body in excitement.
Robert just smiled watching her eat her pancakes with such content on her face. It was the simple moments like this that made him the happiest. Just her and him. That was all he needed.
Those memories were bitter sweet now. Despite his momentary lapse in judgment in the PRT when he told Andy they had never made each other happy, he knew they had spent many wonderful moments together.
Andy gave Robert a small smile and thanked him for the food. She truly appreciated what he was trying to do but she didn't think her stomach would be able to handle all of the food he had prepared. Not wanting to upset him, Andy took a few small bites and drank half of the smoothie.
Seeing that Andy wasn't going to eat any more Robert went to grab her plate but she stopped him and insisted on cleaning the kitchen up. She needed something, anything to distract herself from the thoughts racing through her mind. Robert was going to protest when he heard the doorbell ring and went to answer it, leaving Andy to begin scrubbing away.
Standing outside Robert's door was Theo, holding a duffle bag with some of Andy's clothes he'd grabbed on the way over. Theo asked if Andy was alright and Robert gave him an abridged rundown of their morning
"I've never seen her like this. "I don't even know how to describe it... it's like her body is still here but she isn't."
"I'm not surprised." Theo started. "Even before the attack, in the time I've spent working with Andy at 23 she hasn't been herself. And it's only gotten worse since she filed for divorce. I tried to be there for her as best as I could but I didn't do enough. I should have known that guy was bad news and I never should have let her leave the bar by herself..."
Before he could spiral any further Robert grabbed his shoulder. "You're a good friend Theo and none of this is your fault." Theo knew Robert was right but it still felt wrong to admit it.
Wiping a few tears that had trickled down his cheeks, Theo stepped inside to grab a quick drink of water and say hi to Andy. By the time he did, Andy had already finished with the dishes and was sitting imobile on the couch. She didn't move an inch to greet him. After a few moments, he glanced worriedly at Robert and the two walked back outside.
"I'm not sure if there is anything else I can do to support her, except be there for her as a friend. Have you...thought about getting her real professional help?"
Robert nodded his head at Theo in agreement. There was only so much either of them could do to guide Andy on her journey to recovery. Robert hated that it had gotten this bad, that an intervention might be the only thing that could save her before it was too late.
"Yeah, I'm going to make sure she gets the help she needs, even if she doesn't want to take it."
Theo couldn't help but laugh at that. "Andy is the most stubborn person I have ever met, and I've had the pleasure of working alongside Maddox for far too long."
"I know, but she's worth it." It was the one thing he was sure of.
Theo smiled at Robert's words. "Call me if she needs anything, or if you need anything. I misjudged you. I took all the negative things Andy said in anger about you to heart. I never believed you truly cared for her but seeing you at the hospital and now I know you only want what's best for her."
After Theo's departure, Robert went back inside and spent a few minutes watching as Andy sat still as a statue in the living room.
"I'm going to make a quick phone call, will you be okay?" Robert asked with a worried look at her. His attempts to distract her from her thoughts had failed, and for the last hours she just laid on the couch staring at the ceiling. From the chair he had sat in the entire time, he always had an eye on her.
Andy didn't show any reaction to his question and he wasn't sure if she had even heard him. She seemed to be in a world of her own and he could only be hoping that she wasn't replaying last night over and over.
Not knowing what to do he stepped outside onto the porch to make a quick phone call, dialing a number he had unfortunately come to know all too well since moving back to Seattle.
"Hey Diane." he cleared his throat. "Hello Robert," she responded. Neither said anything for a few seconds. "I don't know if you have heard yet..." he started but she cut him off. "I have. Ruiz called me last night." Her calm voice made it easier for him.
"I took her home last night but... I- I'm not sure how to help her. I tried getting her to talk, I tried to just be there, I tried to distract her, but I don't know. She's... it's like she's not in there anymore." his voice, thin, close to breaking.
But there was also a fire raging inside of him, that man had broken her. Once again she was broken and now she had to put herself back together again. He knew she was capable of it, she had proved it many times when life kept throwing shit her way. But how many times can a person be cut into pieces and come back from it? How many punches could she take? Until she didn't want to get up anymore?
And though he hadn't said those thoughts out loud, Diane could read his tone. "Herrera is tough, she fought back. Someone who's ready to give up will not put up a fight like this. But it will take time, healing from a trauma will hurt in a different way. The important thing is that she gets help. Professional help. You, just be there. If she wants to talk, listen. If she wants to be quiet, just be there with her."
"Thank you Diane. Could... could you maybe talk to her? Or recommend someone?" Robert asked. "If she's alright with it being me of course. If not, I can get you in touch with someone else. Just text me and let me know.".
"I will, thank you again." Robert was about to hang up but before he could, Diane's final words caught him off guard. "Andy has a long road ahead of her to recovery. I know you care for her but I need to know if you're willing to be by her side through everything that's about to come because if you aren't, then you should leave now, because doing it in the future will only hurt her more."
Robert took a few seconds to process what Diane had just told him. The thought of leaving Andy's side had never crossed his mind but he knew there was some truth to what she was saying.
Hanging up the phone, his head dropped back. Closing his eyes he took in a deep breath of the fresh, cold air. After some sunny days, Seattle seemingly had decided it should go back to what it was known for. Grey, dark clouds covered the sky, leaving the sun no chance to peek through.
Andy always was a summer person, a different kind of energy surrounded her when the sun was out. She could use some sunshine now but the sky decided to cry with her instead. Rain drops started falling onto Robert's face, breaking him out of his thoughts. He sighed and went back in.
Sitting down next to Andy, Robert took her hands in his, which were shaking. "I know you're not a fan of talking but... will you go see Diane?" Rober asked softly and she nodded her head in agreement. Robert texted Diane to make an appointment for the following day at noon. He thought she would be more resistant to going to therapy, especially after how she had reacted to the mandatory sessions when Vasquez had died but she was so exhausted she just didn't have the energy to argue.
After texting Diane, Robert turned on the television and they spent a few hours watching various reality tv shows which he hated, but knew Andy had a soft spot for. When Robert was just about to ask her what to watch next he sighed in relief upon seeing that Andy had dozed off, thankful that she was finally getting the rest she needed to heal. Throwing another blanket over her he headed into the bathroom to take a much needed shower.
Walking down the stairs after his shower he felt refreshed. Like he had washed off some of the heavy feelings that surrounded his heart. But it didn't last long as he saw an empty couch. Scanning the room he couldn't see her anywhere. And once again that feeling settled in his chest. Had she left?
His searching eyes fell onto a silhouette outside. While he was in the shower it had gotten dark and he had a hard time seeing anything outside. But the small frame could only belong to her.
Quietly he pushed open the door, not wanting to startle her. Rain was pouring down and combined with the cold April night, it was freezing. For a moment he stood in the door watching her. Much like him earlier she had her head tilted towards the sky letting the rain drops run over her face. Her clothes were soaking wet and Robert had no idea how long she had been standing outside.
"Andy," he said softly, "I think you should come in now." He suggested. His first instinct was to run out, grab her and bring her inside but he quickly decided against that approach.
After a few moments Andy quietly turned around and walked towards him. He stepped aside to let her in and closed the door behind her. She was standing there soaking wet from head to toe. Her wet hair sticking to her face. His big hoodie and her leggings, soaked.
"Let's get you upstairs and dry." Robert said and when he walked towards the stairs she followed him.
Just as they had the night before, Robert helped Andy undress and shower. After she was tucked under the covers he popped on a Pixar movie which they watched from start to finish in silence. Afterward Robert asked if she wanted to sleep in their bed or go into the guest room and when she made no move to get up he took that as his answer. He could tell Andy was exhausted even if he also knew that she wouldn't get much sleep again tonight.
For a while he was fighting off the sleep that was overcoming him, not liking the idea of her having to be awake by herself, but then his eyes closed and he dozed off.
Andy, as exhausted as she was, found some sleep too. At least until her memories haunted her in her dreams and she woke up screaming.
Robert got ripped out of his sleep and immediately took her in his arms. Only slowly Andy calmed down but she knew she wouldn't even attempt to sleep again, scared to get caught in another nightmare of the past events.
As morning rolled in, the sun that was finally coming out again, after days of rain, softly shined through the blinds.
"I'm going to make us some breakfast." Robert said and got out of bed. He knew Andy didn't want anything but at some point she had to eat something.
In the kitchen he looked around, not sure what he should make her that she would eat, so he decided to start with making some coffee.
It wasn't long before he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Andy had the blanket wrapped around her, that he had given her the morning after. She didn't put it down anymore, as if it was a shield.
She took the coffee Robert was offering her and sat down on the couch. The cup in her hands was warming her hands but she didn't feel warm. She was either cold or felt nothing, there was nothing else.
Robert watched her from the kitchen as she took tiny sips of the hot beverage. Then he remembered he still had something in the cabinet she might like. He had gotten rid of all the open packages of the various cereals, but he had held on to the package that was still closed, in some delirious hope she was coming back some day. This though, definitely wasn't the way he had hoped for her to come back here.
He opened the package and brought it to Andy. A small chuckle left her lips as she saw him holding out the package to her. "You still have this?" she asked as she reached in and took out a small handful.
"Just in case," he answered and sat down next to her. Never having been a fan of sugary cereal he took a handful now too. Andy's smile faded and her head dropped a little. Robert had tried to talk to her for 10 months, she knew he didn't want to give up on them and her but only now she got how much. He had held onto more than she knew.
Robert turned on the TV and like the previous day, they watched some random shows until it was time to leave for Andy's appointment.
Robert put the car in park and looked over to Andy. "You want me to walk you in?" he asked. She nodded slightly and Robert got out, opened the door for her and took her hand as they walked towards the building. The sun that gave Seattle some much needed light had disappeared behind big heavy clouds again.
The closer they came the faster Andy's heart beat. It felt like she was walking towards danger. Her steps got smaller and slower until she stopped completely. Robert stood in front of her, just giving her a moment. Andy closed her eyes trying to calm herself down but instead tears started to trickle down her cheeks.
She knew that in there, she would have to relive everything and she was already so tired of the images replaying in her head. Her legs shaking, she wasn't sure they would keep her up much longer but Robert buried her in a hug. "You got this Andrea," he whispered.
She wiped her tears away and they made their way. Inside, Andy could feel the stares from everyone. Everyone knew Pruitt so everyone knew her and what had happened quickly made it around the SFD.
They had to wait a little so Robert sat down with her. At first she was fidgeting but as they waited it got less and he wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not. Andy pushed all her feelings deep down until she felt nothing again. She was only a shell of a person now.
"Herrera?" Diane walked into the waiting room, ready for her. Andy slowly got up and walked towards her. "I'll be waiting here." Robert said and leaned back into the chair. He would have held her but this was something Andy had to do alone.
Andy followed Diane into her office. She had never been here as Diane always came to 19. Briefly she scanned the room, being pulled towards the armchair immediately. Her instincts wanted her to hide in it the best she could but she didn't feel comfortable, so she sat on the edge instead.
Diane sat down in the armchair across from her, giving her some time to settle in, she waited before she said anything. From the last meetings she knew Andy wasn't one to open up quickly. The only time she opened up was when she was worried about Robert but not when it was about herself.
"Do you want to talk about what happened?" Diane then asked. Andy looked up a little surprised, she didn't think she had a choice. "No." she said determinedly. "Alright, so how about we talk about something else then?" Diane suggested and Andy just shrugged her shoulders. There was no topic that would interest her right now.
"So Sullivan brought you." she stated and Andy looked away annoyed. Of course Diane would want to talk about that. "And I heard the divorce was officially through..." she continued. "It is." Andy said quietly, not sure where she was going with it. "So I assume you had a talk with him after the last time we met?"
Now it was clear where Diane was going. "We talked. At some point." she said coldly. "And did you talk to someone like I recommended?" Diane asked. Andy huffed. "I thought I was here because of what happened." she snipped.
Diane could tell that talking about Robert and the divorce was still a sore subject and guessing from Andy's defensive body language she never actually talked to Robert about why she responded the way she had to his actions. Even though she knew it was a conversation Andy desperately needed to have if she wanted to move forward she decided to table it for now. Helping Andy process the attack was more important at the moment. She also had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time Andy came down to her office for support.
"Ok then," Diane responded gently. "Talk to me about what happened last night."
"Stop acting like you don't know what happened to me. I'm sure Robert or Theo already filled you in on the whole situation." Andy knew her words to Diane were harsh, way more than they should have been. After all, she was only doing her job. She was surprised by herself, she hadn't talked so much or that loudly since the incident but Diane seemed to know exactly how to push her.
"I'm not interested in hearing about anybody else's view on what happened besides your own. Just share whatever you feel comfortable telling me."
"I stabbed him okay? I killed him. I didn't mean to but we were fighting and I stabbed him somehow. But it doesn't matter because in the end I killed him. I killed someone." she said loudly. "So you didn't mean to. It was self defense. Did you try to help him afterwards?" Diane asked.
He stumbled back and sunk to the floor. Blood was running from the wound in his abdomen. Her breathing heavy, she stood there, staring down on him. For the first time, she had control over him. But she was better than him and she wouldn't let him get away with what he'd done so easily.
With shaking hands she tried to stop the bleeding but even with her jacket, there was nothing she could do. He bled out.
She crawled away from him leaning against the wall, her head was empty. She didn't think about what to do next, she didn't think about calling help. All she did was stare at his lifeless body. She was frozen in time and couldn't move.
"I did but... maybe if I would have been faster, if I would have thought to call for help." Andy rambled. "Why did you help him at all?" Diane asked. "Honestly... I wanted him to rot in prison. This seems like an easy out." She bit her lip, she couldn't believe she just said that.
Andy looked down in shame at her own words but Diane grabbed her hand and she looked up.
"He attacked you Andy, not the other way around. All you did was defend yourself and even after he hurt you, regardless of your intentions, you still tried to save his life."
Andy felt herself start to cry again. "Logically I know that but I still feel like a... monster and I don't know how to stop feeling this way."
"That's okay."
Andy looked over in confusion. "What?"
"I don't expect you to feel better right away. It takes time, but you've already completed the most important step. Reaching out and accepting help. It's something not a lot of people can do. You're stronger than you think, Andy."
She felt anything but strong but Diane's words comforted her. Coming to therapy terrified her, but she had done it anyway. Maybe she was actually moving in the right direction.
Diane and Andy talked for a few more minutes before their allotted time came to an end. After scheduling her next appointment Andy met Robert in the lobby and they headed out to his car.
"We've got one more stop to make before we go home." Robert announced as they buckled up. Andy didn't reply, her head was in a messy place after talking to Diane. She didn't know how to get over this, she didn't know how to move on or if she ever would.
As Robert pulled into a parking lot she looked outside and realized where he had taken her. A tiny smile came onto her face. It was the construction site he had taken her to when she found out her fathers cancer was back and that he wasn't going to get treatment. It was the exact same spot she had taken her anger out on before.
"I thought, maybe... you want to get something out," he said. "I-," she sighed. "Come on, let's just go and see what happens." he suggested and got out of the car. Hesitantly Andy got out too and followed him around the corner.
He held out the sledge hammer he had brought to her and she took it but she didn't sledge anything. She just stood there staring at the wall in front of her.
"You bitch! Stop moving! You know you want this." he said. She kept moving her head trying her best to avoid his lips. He had her hands pinned against the wall and the hard concrete opened her fragile skin.
She didn't stop fighting him, but he had a clear advantage over her. Having enough of her trying to fight back he pushed her to the ground. Landing on the hard ground it felt like another piece of her left her body. She didn't get a second to breathe as he kicked her in the side leaving her gasping for air.
He had her exactly where he wanted her, unable to fight him, so he could have his way with her. Getting pulled up onto her feet, she could barely stand but he pressed her against the wall.
"This is going to be the best you've ever had." he whispered into her ear. Andy closed her eyes as a shudder ran down her back. There was no way she was going to let this happen. Gathering all her strength she started fighting him once again, trying to free herself from his grip.
"Bitch you better stop moving." He hissed as he pulled out a knife. For a moment Andy froze. He held the knife to her throat and started kissing her neck. "You'll be begging for more when I'm done with you."
She hadn't noticed she started crying. But her cheeks were wet and there was no stopping her tears. This time they were tears of anger, the anger that was eating her insides. Stepping towards the wall she swung the sledge hammer letting it crash into the wall and sink down to the floor. And then she slung it again over and over, screaming as she could hear his voice again and again.
"Dumb Bitch."
She hit the wall.
"I will make you scream in pleasure."
Another hit against the wall.
"You flirted with me, You want me."
Another hit to the wall, Concrete crumbled to the floor.
"You deserve this."
The wall crumbled into itself.
Robert watched her from a few feet away. His heart shattering like the wall Andy was letting her anger out on. He didn't know her pain, he could only imagine the way this had messed her up, broken every piece inside of her.
Andy let the hammer fall down and sank onto the ground. Her body quivering as she sobbed.
Robert wanted nothing more to go and hold her like he had always done but something told him not to. So he watched and waited instead.
Her sobbing stopped and soon after there were no tears left to flow. Slowly she got up from the ground, took the sledgehammer and walked towards Robert. "Let's go home."
A smile crept on Roberts face hearing her saying home, to the place that had been just his for a while now. She might have moved out, filed for divorce, but she still felt like that was her real home. A place to feel safe.
For the next week Andy and Robert followed a similar schedule. Every day Robert would make breakfast and then they would relax around the house before Andy's therapy appointment with Diane. During her appointment Robert would grab lunch for them and then they would eat along the waterfront. After Robert took Andy to do some type of physical activity so she could get her anger and pent up energy out.
One week after her attack, Andy felt confident enough to return to her apartment. Truthfully she didn't want to leave Robert's but she was afraid of overstaying her welcome. He wasn't her husband anymore and had no obligation to take care of her. Robert tried to get Andy to stay longer but she was insistent on going.
An hour later they stood in front of her apartment door. „You sure you're going to be alright?" Robert asked, hesitant to leave her alone. "Yea, it's... I'm going to be fine," she wanted to sound reassuring but her nervousness was audible. "Call me if you need something... or want something."
This past week, as hard as it had been, had brought them closer again. But it didn't feel as easy as the first time around. This time they had history and Robert knew that if they really wanted to have a chance, they couldn't rush it this time. Trauma bonding seemed to be a reoccurring thing for them but it was a fragile bond.
Andy smiled and nodded at his offer. "Bye Andy." Robert smiled and slowly walked away. Andy stepped out in the hallway. "For what it's worth... I really am sorry," she said, getting him to stop and turn around. "Sorry for what?" Robert asked, a little confused. He had told her many times that taking care of her was no burden for him.
"The things I said, the things I did. I was wrong and wouldn't even listen to you. You fought for us and I - I just gave up. Probably the biggest mistake I ever made," she admitted.
"The end of our marriage wasn't just your fault. I made so many mistakes as well. Before Maya's demotion you kept asking to talk through our issues and I always pushed your requests away. I didn't want to admit that our relationship had problems and for that I'm sorry."
In the months after Andy left he didn't want to admit the part he had played in their separation. But in hindsight he knew that if they'd just sat down and had an honest conversation they would still be together.
Andy thanked Robert for his apology and they said their goodbyes again before he headed out.
She spent the afternoon on the couch with the TV on but she didn't pay attention. Her thoughts already on the night that was about to come. Even as a kid she was never one to be scared of the dark but that had changed now. It wasn't logical and it didn't make sense to her.
As the sun started to set, Andy went into her bedroom. She locked the door and checked that the baseball bat, that she had gotten as a present as a joke a long time ago, stood by her bed.
Andy got ready in the bathroom and with the big lights still on she tried to get comfortable in her bed. Trying to distract herself she put on some random TV show hoping the noise would drown out her thoughts.
The minutes passed so slowly but she got more and more restless. Her heart began racing faster and faster with each second and she realized there was only one thing she needed.
Robert picked up quickly, he had made sure to have his ringtone on and his phone close by. "Hey, what's up?" he asked softly. Andy was biting her nails, she didn't want to keep relying on him, it didn't seem fair to him but she also didn't know who else to call.
"I- I'm okay, it's fine. I can call Theo, it's fine." Andy rambled but Robert interrupted her. "I'll be there in 15 minutes." She didn't have to say what was going on, he knew.
As soon as he arrived Andy let him in and they went straight to bed. Andy turned off the light as she closed the door behind them. With him by her side she knew she was safe.
"Can I ask you something?" Robert asked into the dark. "Try me." Andy said softly. "What changed? We were so in love and then just like that you left. Was it really just because of the captain thing? Did that make you fall out of love?"
"I never stopped loving you." Andy admitted. "I was so mad because I love you, if I didn't it wouldn't have affected me like that. But... I think the whole thing was more about me than about you." Andy fell silent and just listened to his heartbeat.. "I think it's obvious I have more to work through than just..." she broke off, not knowing what to call what happened.
Robert let her words sink in before he spoke. "I'm sorry I didn't notice. You told me you felt brittle, like a strong wind could break you and I mean... I knew about all the things that happened in just a year... I knew it wasn't healthy to just pretend like it's all alright and move on and still I didn't really... I didn't do anything," Robert sighed.
"You did Robert. You tried. After papi... remember? You suggested I see someone but I just blocked you off." Andy drew circles on his chest. After everything it was crazy they could lay here like this. That he would, after everything she did to him.
"I should have tried harder." Robert let out a breath and with that some of the guilt he had been holding onto.
Andy couldn't argue back. Although it wasn't his fault, neither was it his job to keep pushing her towards the help she needed, she couldn't help but wish he had. Wish she just wouldn't have been so stubborn for once and accepted help. Then maybe, just maybe they would still be happily married.
"I know there's this saying about how sometimes loving someone just isn't enough but... what exactly are we doing?" Robert questioned. His hand was playing with her hair. "I don't know." she sighed quietly. "I-" she contemplated if she should continue. "I had somewhat changed my mind... about the divorce." she whispered.
"What?" Robert asked, surprised, raising his head looking at her even though in the dark all he could see was her outline. "The day of the crisis one training... I talked to Diane and I- I somewhat realized that running, running from you was a trauma response. She suggested we talk, maybe even with a professional and I was willing to try. I looked around the station for you right after and when I found you, you gave me the papers," her voice turning into a whisper.
Once again silence hung over them as Robert processed what he just heard. "I was so convinced I was doing what you wanted... but- why didn't you try again? You could have tried again," he played back the conversation they had on the catwalk that day. He was so desperate to get out what he needed to say that he had cut her off and then just left. What if he had given her a chance to speak that day?
"I'm not sure." Andy admitted. "I guess... I guess I convinced myself that you moved on, that you now wanted the divorce." Part of her always knew that it was her mind playing tricks on her but in the end she felt like he deserved it because she didn't deserve him.
"I didn't Andy, I just wanted you to be happy," he said, thinking of all the what ifs. What if Andy hadn't run from him after the wedding, what if she would have had the courage to say what she wanted to get out that day, would they still be happily married?
"What if we start fresh?" Andy asked tentatively. "I know that with all the history and baggage we have there's no guarantee a relationship between us could ever even work, but I'm tired of running away from the hard stuff in my life."
Her voice began to falter but she gathered up the courage to continue. "I want movie nights and home cooked breakfasts and hikes in the forest. I want us to take the time to really get to know each other and go out on real dates in public. I want to continue talking to Diane and for us to see a counselor so we can work through all of our issues together as a couple."
This time, there was no hesitation in Andy's voice. "I want to fight to get better for myself and I want to fight for us. I'm willing to do whatever it takes for as long as I need to. I want to live a long and healthy life and spend every single minute of it loving you."
Robert's face lit up at Andy's words. Looking into her eyes, he could see passion burning through them. The Andy he knew and loved was slowly coming back, bit by bit she was rebuilding herself and he wanted to be there for her every step of the way.
A part of him still feared that when she was whole and healed and no longer needed him to comfort her that she would leave him again, like everyone else he had ever cared about already had. But hearing Andy's convictions reassured him that their love would persevere.
"I'd love to."
As the dark night sky began to fade, streaks of sunlight pierced into the bedroom where they laid curled up next to each other, in a tight, loving embrace. They both knew the days and months to come ahead would be filled with many difficult moments but they also knew that in the end it would all be worth it.
