(Garrus Vakarian – Citadel – Presidium)

There was never a night time on the citadel…

The grand space city had a simulated daytime sky and lights that left very few shadows upon the surface. In fact, it was only whilst going through the Wards would be able to see the sky for what it was – Millions upon millions of stars and an inside view of the Serpent nebula's interior which was a colourful purple and reddish hue of gas.

The Presidium however, wasn't privy to such a view. It ended up stuck with the boringly mundane daylight sky. It was all so simulated, so pristine, sterilised in a way. It felt fake, like it was hiding something – and that was because it was hiding something.

Garrus looked away, trying not to think any further of that train of thought. He never understood the reason why all these stuffy politicians enjoyed this crap so much. The beautiful expanse of space and its many wonders was just below them. In the end he chalked it down to arrogance and a lust for status. The higher the tower, the more expensive it was, the higher you worked or lived within said tower, the more important you felt. You could look down upon the peasents of the world you had complete power over…

'Jane would've hated having her funeral here...' The Turian sighed hollowly, robotically turning back to the ceremony currently taking place. How much have I missed?' He wondered, He preferred not to listen to the oh-so fake politicians, with expressions that hid their true feelings. They were like Vipers; vicious and deadly and laced with poison. The Asari councillor was good enough, he supposed, standing upon the podium, speaking words that were simply jotted down on paper, pretending to care for the Captains achievement's and her Valor. Ever the mediator, she never sided with or against anyone. He supposed he could see why, the Asari life-span meant that they lived to see the effects of their choice play out before them as much a curse as well as a gift.

Valern was cold, logical, as his species usually were. Speaking of Jane's victory as though he were reading off of a shopping list. Garrus had to ignore most of the Salarians speech, it was oily and hard to listen to.

But Sparatus had thoroughly angered him. The Turian councillor had been antagonistic from the start, always mocking or downplaying the Captains actions. His speech was curt but cold, colder than Valern's official diatribe. He ended by saying that he respected the Captain for doing the hard work and John for returning to his duties for this very mission, but the way he said had felt like he was talking with a gun pointed to his head. The bastard didn't mean a thing he said about respect, a true politician.

Garrus had to actively keep himself from shouting at him. Fists clenched and straining. 'It's only been 5 days at most! There's no sign of a body, just a helmet! This entire thing is insulting!'

The Alliance had done a quick sweep of Alchera but found nothing. It was like Captain Jane Shepard had simply disappeared in the explosion. Everything else was there, The wreckage and the burned corpses of the lower deck crew members. But Shepard wasn't there!

He had to remind himself that his anger would cause trouble, for himself and the others. He looked to his right and his eyes met with Urdnot Wrex, the Krogan stared at him, Garrus couldn't tell anything from looking at him. Krogan were hard to read, harder than Turians or Hannar and Wrex was pretty damn smart. But the numbness set in. He knew that was going to be harder now. The Normandy had been an eye-opening experience for him, the Reapers were still a threat and the two best soldiers were down for the count.

Suddenly; He heard Anderson's voice make its way through his ears. Though he was sad to hear the strain rumble through the usually gruff yet strong voice of the Captain-made-Councillor. He turned back, eyes barely needing to adjust to the slightly brighter view from where Anderson stood. He looked a little rough, leaning over the podium slightly, head drooped a little. It was as if he was still trying to look unaffected by the reality of the situation. Garrus had the give the Human credit, he put a few of the Turians best generals to shame with how well he was handling himself.

"I first met the Captain when me and my squad landed on Mindor." He began, staring out, searching for someone it looked like. "She and her brother had been laying down under the corpse's of those who had died during the attack. Her brother had taken a bullet to the hip, barely missing anything important. But Jane just stands up and frightens my squad a little." He chuckled wetly, probably thinking of that incident if he was right.

"This little girl, standing up like the undead, among a sea of blood. That isn't something you see everyday." The man smiled a little. And Garrus could see the way it didn't reach his eyes, it was fake. "Then her brother joins her, looking at us like we were about to kill them. Then they both try to shield each other and end up freezing when they bump into one another. They stare at me and my men for god knows how long before asking if we were there to kill them. I… I honestly can say that it was then I saw it – that spark…"

"That passionate fire in their eyes, igniting beyond the darkness of of the void. It burned fierce and true, it said to me that they wouldn't go down quietly if they had to fight. Soon enough we had gained their trust enough for us to call an evac shuttle and get John treated. Then I didn't see them for another 3 years before I hear about these twins surging through the ranks. Imagine my surprise when I see that it is those same scared yet tough children I had rescued a few year prior."

"Jane Shepard was a fantastic soldier, a true paragon of humanities good and true beliefs of justice, integrity and prowess. She held strong against the Batarian raid on Elysium, fighting on her own and with very limited supplies for 5 hours before her brother and the response teams landed in. And where most would retire from that kind of strain, Jane stayed true, became better, stronger and faster. Elysium wasn't an obstacle for her, it was just a small hill to conquer."

"And finally, Jane Shepard was a brilliant person off the battlefield, when her brother had returned from Akuze, she stayed by him as he recovered. She made sure he was never alone as long as she could, doing everything for him and expecting nothing back. Even outright trying to deny a well deserved reward if she believed that it was expected of her. She took the time to make sure that people were happy or content and always stood steadfast against injustice of any kind..."

It went silent for a second, and Garrus realised that he had zoned out, utterly enamoured by the councillors speech. He was passionate, telling the story of the wonder child as with a proud look upon his face. A proud look that quickly left when the ugly truth came back to him. The councillor was genuinely pained by the loss, like he had lost his child (for lack of a better term).

"And I can only pray that wherever she may be now. She's putting in a good word for us. Rest in Piece: Jane Shepard…. The galaxy burn duller for our loss."

And that was it…

After that, the people started clearing out. Only then did he even think about glancing at anything or anyone other than the damn ground or fake sky.

Hesitantly, he turned his head, noticing that Tali had just disappeared and that everyone else was still sitting there. He slumped down on himself, elbows perched upon his legs as his head rested itself in his hands. Looking back, he could see the small, shaky figure of his Quarian friend trudging away and into the gathering crowd to the point where he couldn't see her anymore…

"I still can't believe it..." His ears picked up the soft voice of Liara, she sounded regretful. Though Garrus understood, he felt the same way. He would never know if he could have done something differently, hindsight would always be 20/20. "After all we've done, to know she's gone, I-"

"Please." Kaiden whispered, Agitation mixing with sorrow as he spoke. Garrus felt that too, agitated, every little inconvenience felt like a whole new problem. The Turian gazed over at the man speaking, feeling the need to look at him. "Not here… I just want some peace for now."

"Alenko," Wrex grumbled, patting the man on the shoulder with a surprising gentleness. "She died a warriors death, an honour for any true soldier. Probably scaring the grim reaper as we speak, haha..."

At first, he felt anger bubble up at the krogan's callousness and was ready to step in and shout him down when he noticed the somehow solemn look he was giving the slightly shaking man. Ignoring those around him and expressing what must have been a Krogan way of grieving.

"I gotta go..." He mumbled, offering half-hearted waves before stalking away from the damn podium. Where he was going, he didn't know, his body was in control right now, not his brain. All he wanted right now was some time and space, he had things to do and one other person to see.

He barged his way through crowds of people, ignoring the jeers and outrage he got in response. Autopilot just continued to carry him from one featureless place to another. All familiar yet all alien at the same time. He knew that he should probably visit John and see if he was improving… But the idea of seeing his friend, in the state he was left in just left him with knots in his stomach. Even now he remember opening the pod and smelling the cooked flesh, the pus and the blood. He recalled his visor picking up serious radiation issues emanating off of his friend and he could still hear the horrified wail that came from Tali. Those were the main thing that made sleeping so difficult. Picturing Johns face, an amalgamation of burnt flesh, pus bubbles and scars made him want to vomit and gain the ability to cry all at once.

Then all of the emotions he had felt came back to him…

Liara's Regret

Kaiden's Agitation

Wrex's Grieving

That was when he felt it again, bubbling inside, before he was only scarcely aware of it, but when he recollected everything that had happened over the last 5 days: The Normandy's destruction, Jane's death, John grievous injuries, Tali despair, the calls, the media, the politics… he ceremony…

He felt Enraged…

He understood and felt his crew-mates emotions, because he felt them too.

Liara's Regret

Kaiden's Agitation

Wrex's Grieving

He understood it because:

He was Enraged…

A snarl made it through his mandibles, snapping him out of his revere. He found himself standing outside of Chora's den, the nasty little gentlmens club in the lower wards. He remembered this place, and that only filled him with more emotion than he knew what to do with…

When he found those responsible for hurting those close to him, he was going to carve out their skulls and feed them to a thresher maw.

But right now, he needed a drink...

(– 0 –)

(Tali'Zorah – Hospital ward – Citadel)

After the memorial had ended, she had abruptly left, not even bothering to say goodbye to anyone. She couldn't stay there any longer, everything felt forced and fake to her ears as she listened to the councillors step up and speak. What shamed her was that none of the crew had asked to go up, none of them had the strength to say any words for the crowd.

Jane had been a sister to her – which she was thankful for – it had always crossed her mind that she could have had a sister, but due to the conditions of her people, such a possibility was impossible. But Jane had given her that experience, the little moments where she would listen to her worries and wonders or the little teases she would send her way whenever her brother had been mentioned. She had been the first to know of her culture along with John. Jane had given her the confidence when she mentioned the feelings she was beginning to feel for her brother, even listening to her explain the path in detail.

The way the lower wards darkened everything around her was symbolic to her. The longer her mind focussed on anything Shepard related the more and more she had to think about the last time she would ever speak to Jane…

And John… John was never going to be the same…

A sob threw her out of her thoughts, that was when she realised where she was. In the same room that they had brought John too. The burns unit, if she remembered correctly. A semi-dark, relatively spacey room with a single, occupied bed with a side table to the right that held up various ointments and paste dispenser that peaked over the used up mountain of bandage rolls. Her mind reeled at the thought of what could possibly be under the thick, white material now wrapping almost everything that was John Shepard.

Tali could barely see anything of him, and she couldn't keep looking. This was her fault, she should have been there, venting the excess plasma and stabilising the drive-core during the attack. If she had just managed to convince him that she was still needed there he would be up, able to walk, not lying, half rotten in some sterile, lifeless room with injuries so grievous that it is a miracle in itself that he was alive.

She was vaguely aware of her tears staining her cheeks, the sniffles she desperately fought back with fervour – unwilling to let herself break down – and her rage, her hatred; hot and painful, coursing through her body like foreign bacteria the longer she stared at him. What was he going to do now? His injuries assured that his line of work had no place for him anymore, and no matter how good he was that wouldn't stop the branch from keeping him off. Would he just recover only to waste away in some dingy bar, drowning his sorrows with alcohol? Would he go rogue? Lose his mind?

"Oh, John..." She sniffed, shaking the thoughts away… a fruitless effort on her part. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry..."

Unable to keep herself restrained any further, she rested her visor on his wrapped up shoulder, knowing that he could neither feel it or even know she was doing it. His eyes remained close, no longer charred shut by the eyelids. The memory of his injuries and afflictions had almost been enough to knock her over, like someone had turned her legs off.

The doctors face had been so fake…

(– 0 –)

-4 days earlier-

"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this: but his injuries have been extensive..." The asari nurse looked at her before glancing at Garrus and Wrex who were behind her.

"Just give us the damn facts already..." Wrex growled, the Krogan clearly annoyed at the woman's robotic attempt at empathy. The woman cleared her throat, realising that they were not there for comfort.

"Whatever happened to your friend, it has turned his body into one big 3rd degree burn. He will likely never be able to work properly again even with our treatments. The nerve damage was extensive, most of his body will be numb for the rest of his life and some will be outright non-functional. Unfortunately the damage doesn't seem to have just stopped with that..."

"What?" Tali whimpered, barely registering the hand on her shoulder. "How could there possibly be more?"

"There was traces of radiation in his body, not enough to kill him, likely whatever burned had also saved his life. However, it managed to enter his bloodstream and infect various parts of his body."

"What kind of damage is that going to cause, doctor?" Garrus interrupted. He sounded sick to his stomach.

"His right arm was infected by the radiation the most, likely having taken the brunt of this accident. We tried to save it, but between the total shutdown of the nerves along with the corrosion of the muscle it was impossible. His right arm will have to be amputated..."

"No… No, no, no, no… Surely the damage isn't that bad, what about cloning the tissue? Surely that can be done for him!" She knew she was going to ramble, but they couldn't have thought of everything! For the sake of the ancestors, John was sitting in there with his life in the balance!

"Unfortunately, the Geth attack had destroyed most of our equipment, and our cloning technology was irreparably damaged in the attack. It was rare and expensive, it'll be years before we even have another working prototype… And I hate to say it, but i'm afraid Mr. Shepard doesn't have that long."

Whatever Tali was about to say was cut off by the sudden, icy admission from the doctor. Without really thinking, she had stormed up to the asari and pointed her finger at her. "What do you mean…?"

To the doctors credit, she didn't wvaer under the intense, angry quarian's heated words. "The radiation has done too much damage to his body, shutting down most of his nervous systems as the – I assume fire – burned the individual nerves to a crisp. His body can only fight against the inevitable, though he is remarkably strong willed, he'll pull through this, but I am afraid he'd only get another two years or less before his body can no longer take the strain..."

Silence over-swept the group… Those words had been curt, informative to a horrible degree. The information in question was everything she had not wanted to hear… John was going to die, within two years…

"You're lying..." She whispered, shaking her head as she stepped back from the doctor. Causing a few of the security guards near the back to relax a little. But she paid them no mind, she paid no one any mind… "You're wrong. H-He'll be fine! He'll be up and talking soon!"

"He'll awake soon, but he'll be in pain. Its likely he'll be in pain for the rest of his life..." The doctor looked down, finally showing some emotion since the conversation started. "I-I'm sorry… I know how it is to feel like this. My daughter lost both her legs in the attack… I hate having to tell people of a similar fate awaiting their loved ones."

Garrus was suddenly by her side, placing a gentle hand on the doctors shoulder. Making her look up at him. "Its fine, we understand. He's just very important to us."

"No, no. I know. Its just-" She sighed, looking down again. "I hate this job. I hate this..."

"We all do, lady." Wrex grumbled, strangely sympathetic despite the blunt response.

Tali ignored them all. Engulfed in another bout of crying that had been almost constant since she had made it to the citadel.

(– 0 –)

-Present-

She never got to see what was under those bandages. Shell-shock had engulfed her body during the rescue from Alchera. But she remembered how the doctors came out, looking like they had stared death in the face, faces white as a sheet and eyes haunted. It was as if they had been exposed to their worst nightmare rather then her John.

But as she stared down on his sleeping form, unmoving – almost lifeless in a sense – the more she felt guilty. If only she had just finished her damn job before letting him take over! Maybe she wouldn't be here, looking at whatever remained of John Shepard, wondering what could have gone differently.

She couldn't stay here, the more she stayed in this room the more it felt like she was drowning. She felt emotions crawl up from the pit of her stomach, emotions she was determined to ignore.

She stood up slowly, taking in John one more time before turning to the door. Opening it and stumbling through before looking back one more time… She couldn't watch this, the result of her decisions put in front of her on that bed. The one life she didn't want to hurt in any way reduced to a mess of scars and burns.

Once more, she turned around and walked away, not looking back, trying to ignore the soft, miserable rasp escape the messed up lips of John as the tears began anew… This was better for the both of them.

"Tali… please..."