Chapter 4: A lioness at heart
When Professor Snape arrived at home, Hermione was busy scanning their chambers. After Ginny's departure she had spent her time opening cupboards, wardrobes and nightstands, searching through books and personal belongings she had no memory of. She had actually hoped to find a diary or something similar, but if she had one, she hid it well. Still in deep thought she did not hear the door to the bedroom open. Only when her former potions professor called her name, she stuck her head out of the closet, smiling sheepishly. For some reason she felt caught. She knew she shouldn't, this was her home too after all, but she reluctantly stepped out of the closet and closed the door.
"I was just going through things to see if something would make me remember.", she explained.
Snape nodded.
"Of course. That's a good idea." He sounded calm and rational. Only his expression showed that he was worried. "I hope you had a nice afternoon with Ginny."
Hermione nodded with a small smile forming around her lips. "I had. Thank you again for the idea. It was nice talking to her. She helped me to accept the situation a bit better."
Snape looked pleased with this answer. "I had hoped it would help." After a few seconds of awkward silence he cleared his throat. "I would like to talk to you as well, if you feel ready for it yet."
Hermione had been tense before, but now she felt her pulse speed up. She had known this was coming, but the thought of Snape and her discussing their life was unsettling. Still she felt herself nod.
"I would like to change into something more comfortable before we start, if you don't mind.", he said and Hermione realized he was waiting for her to leave the room. How thoughtful of him not to simply start undressing. Because that would have really made the upcoming talk weirder than it already was.
"Of course. I'll wait in the living room.", she answered and left him alone. In the back of her mind the thought occurred that they only had one bed and he would probably expect them to share it tonight, but she quickly tugged it away and decided to leave it for later. There was no sense in freaking out already. Maybe everything would turn out just fine.
Standing in front of the fireplace Hermione couldn't decide if she wanted to sit on the couch or have the conversation at the dining table. Both seemed suitable. The kitchen table appeared a bit more serious, while the couch was comfy and close to the warming fire Snape must have lit when he had arrived here. Feeling as though the fire might help to ease into a nicer atmosphere while talking, Hermione chose this option and sat down on the inviting couch.
When her husband came out of the bedroom he wore some soft looking trousers and a casual shirt with his sleeves rolled up. She had to admit the outfit really suited him and made him look younger.
Seeing her sitting on the sofa he seemed amused, but didn't share his thoughts and simply sat down on the armchair to her left. This left enough space between them, without them having to speak loudly and Hermione let out a breath she had been holding. He was really making sure she felt okay.
There was a little break, where none of them spoke, both looking at each other as though they were expecting the other one to say something. Then finally Snape started speaking.
"Believe it or not, I am just as nervous as you are." He admitted, apparently searching for the right words. "During classes I thought a lot about what you might want to hear from me. What might make you willing to give us a try. Your older self was my best friend and it was easy speaking to her. She was a very good listener. Always reading between the lines and knowing me well enough to know what I was thinking. She was the one who taught me to talk more openly about my feelings." All Hermione could do was sit there, stunned at his open approach. If his new ways of communication where really her doing, she must have been one hell of a woman. In the best way possible of course. Snape seemed to be in deep thought. He stared into the fire for a minute before he continued to speak and Hermione didn't dare interrupt him.
"I'm going to be honest with you. This whole situation is stressful for both of us. Maybe we won't find a cure for your condition. That possibility is something I haven't yet accepted, but I have given it some thought."
Hermione had to admit she respected him now more than ever. How could someone she remembered as a mean and derogative person, be so considerate? He had only been talking for a minute and she liked him more and more.
"If you don't get your memories back, you can still walk out of this life. You could study again or choose to do something else entirely. I would raise our child, if you wouldn't want it. You would be free to roam." He sounded so sad, that Hermione immediately felt sorry for him. She had selfishly assumed that she was the victim in all of this. In truth though he was right. She could act as if nothing had ever happened, because in her mind it hadn't. The child would be the only reminder, but even that could be taken care of.
The thought made her cringe. She had now been consciously pregnant for a day and her heart already revolted at the thought of abortion. That was clearly not an option and she was grateful he hadn't mentioned it. To her surprise she also couldn't see herself leaving him. As absurd as the whole situation was, she felt cared for in his present. If she left him now, she would be alone and unsure what to do with her life. Was studying again really a possibility she wanted to consider? Though she had always dreamed of being an expert in charms and spells, she never really had a certain goal in mind, when it came to her future.
No. Ginny had assured her that her relationship to the potions master was extraordinary. If there was only the slightest chance for this being true, it would be worth fighting for. Hermione didn't doubt his feelings for her. The way he looked at her and spoke to her where completely different to the past, when she had still been his student. Now she was his wife and soon to be mother of his child. This meant a great deal to him and she hoped she would soon remember everything that had occurred between them. Her mind set, she nervously kneaded her fingers.
"You are probably surprised that I'm even suggesting it, even though I don't want it. But I think I can imagine your situation to an extent. If I were you I would feel overwhelmed and cornered. And I'm just trying to assure you there is no need to be. No matter what you decide, I will be there for you. Even if your memories don't come back I at least want to help you and be your friend.", he stopped there to look at her.
Hermione however couldn't meet his gaze. How could he be strong enough to give up on the person he loved? Because this person does not exist anymore. The answer gave her chills. She realized that he wasn't trying to sabotage their relationship, but his Hermione would not return if she wouldn't remember them.
His only hope was for her to remember or fall in love with him again. The later option still had a bitter taste to it. She would probably never turn into the Hermione she used to be. Then again, she did not want to put that much pressure on herself and it seemed neither did he.
She decided then that she would not give up hope. She had only been like this for a day. No reason to wave the white flag yet. Maybe they would find an explanation. Maybe she would have flashbacks with time. She was an optimist and she would not surrender.
"Have you given the matter some thought?", he asked carefully.
"Prof- Severus. May I call you Severus or would you rather I call you something else?" Hermione looked at him unsure. He shrugged.
"Whatever makes you happy. You could call me bumblebee, if you felt more comfortable then." At his completely dry and unexpected reply, Hermione chuckled.
"I don't think that would be appropriate.", she said still grinning. "But I would love to see the look on peoples faces if I called you this in public." When she saw the rather pleased look on his face and the small smile, she felt herself blush again. Where they starting to have a connection here?
"Anyways, what I was going to say is: I'm not giving up hope after one day. I thought about… us and I believe you and I believe Ginny. It would be a pity to let the past die and simply pretend nothing ever happened. I might not love you at the moment, but I think even if I don't remember I might come to like you in time." Her words clearly stunned him. The look on his face told her a lot. Mainly appreciation, respect and pride.
"Also I'm scared of being a mother because I feel as though I'm not old enough yet, but I want this baby. I would never be able to abandon it." She kept looking at him throughout her speech and was well aware of the blush on her cheeks. His gaze was so intense, she had to swallow a few times. He clearly loved her and she felt slightly embarrassed but also cared for. The way she usually felt, when someone gave her a compliment out of the blue.
"Still we should take some time to look for a way to bring my memories back. I'm willing to read every bloody book in the library, let a professional from whatever country help me or eat ten gallons of raw spinach. Whatever is necessary. I won't just accept this and be done with it. That's not how I normally handle things.", she said and let out a long breath.
Severus smiled at her in a way that actually made him look rather attractive. "I knew you had fire in your soul, but I did not know that you were such a lioness even back then." She blushed even more. His compliments really got to her. She would have to get used to this. Not knowing what to say, she looked at her hands.
"Thank you.", Severus said and came closer. He still looked at her with admiring eyes and held out his right hand for her to take. Hesitantly she reached out and grasped his warm hand, which was much bigger than hers. The touch felt calming, almost familiar and Hermione felt herself smile at him. After a few seconds they let go of each other and Severus eyes drifted to the clock near the fireplace.
"I bet you still have a lot of questions, but would you like to eat dinner with me?"
So far this was the hardest chapter to write. She finally calls him Severus now, yay!
This talk was so necessary. I hope you like it. I think he is pretty different in this one, but then again the years in a happy relationship might have changed him a bit. There will be a darker and more sarcastic Snape in following chapters...
AC
