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By Spring, the weather causes everyone to be in better spirits. So much so, that Hawkeye decides to get the camp into the Guiness Book of World Records.
"'Nobody leave for the next ten minutes'," Hawkeye calls as he tries to fit more people into the jeep. He just manages to fit Lieutenant Gage in when Frank and Margaret show up who complains about her nurses being inside. Promising to return them, Hawkeye states, "'Squeeze in Major. We got plenty of room.'"
"'This is completely beneath me'," She deadpans rolling her eyes at her husband's comment about hoping to have the spot for himself. Frank decides to snitch and get Colonel Potter leaving Margaret to watch the chaos alone. As she watches another soldier squeeze into the car, the nurse tries her best to keep from laughing. If not for her army persona, she would join in the fun. Stepping out of the way as her husband heads for the driver's side, Margaret watches a few more soldiers squeeze in just as one of the nurses calls out, "You want to join us Major?"
From her spot, the nurse thinks the voice belongs to Kellye, but cannot be too sure. Turning down the offer, Hawkeye turns to her
"'Come on, Major. Just one more and we'll have a record!'"
With the others cheering her on and her husband making a comment about Life magazine, Margaret agrees and lets Hawkeye help her into the jeep. As she gets in, the nurse states that she wants her good side showing to which Hawkeye agrees and pats her rear. Sitting in the jeep as her husband gets the camera ready, Margaret has to admit she is having fun and happily smiles for the camera.
No sooner had the fun ended when Klinger brings gossip about a bug out, but nothing happens. However, working on a spinal patient with B.J. and Margaret, they find out that the bug out begins anyway. With no way to transport the wounded soldier, Hawkeye elects to stay behind. He sits next to his patient waiting for clear signs of a recovery while the rest of the camp takes down tents and packs up the camp. Only when there are few beds left does he register how dire the bug out actually is.
"'Kitchen's down'," Margaret states as she enters the deserted Post Op with two cups of coffee in her hand.
"'Well, that's good news'," Hawkeye comments as Margaret hands him a cup of coffee. Telling him there is no more coffee to drink, Margaret watches the patient's breathing when Hawkeye remarks how bad the beverage is. Checking the patient's IV, Hawkeye tells the nurse, "'I'll be back in ten minutes. Then, you can leave with the others."
Gently, Margaret demands, "'I'm staying.'"
They may be married, but in no way will she adhere to Hawkeye's request that she leave. However, instead of receiving a rebuttal, the nurse gets to hear Hawkeye tease, "'You've finally realized I have a beautiful body.'"
Not in the mood for his jokes, Margaret defends, "'I've never seen your body!'"
Both knowing she is lieing, Hawkeye alludes to their personal life citing, "'Every evening at eight thirty and matinees Wednesday and Saturday.'"
Refusing to fall into his trap, the nurse asks to keep their relationship medical.
"'You wanna play doctor?'" Hawkeye questions. He knows his remarks aggravate her, but he wants to keep Margaret safe. She and his father are all he has left.
"'Look, Margaret. I can handle this. Go on the truck and get out of here.'"
"'I'm staying with you'," Margaret states before looking up at him. Knowing he is not going to win the argument, the surgeon replies, "'If you need me, I'll be packing up my troubles in my old kit bag.'"
However, after finding out that all his stuff is gone, Hawkeye returns back to the deserted post op.
"I thought you were getting your stuff?" The nurse questions when Hawkeye walks back in. Shaking his head, Hawkeye answers, "They took it all. How's the patient?"
"The same," Margaret replies before Radar walks in telling them he is staying with them. Selfishly, the couple wishes he went with the rest of the outfit. Despite the circumstances, they want to be alone together.
"'Does the enemy rape female prisinors?'" Margaret asks after a round of shell fire falls an hour later. Reassuringly, Hawkeye replies, '"Margaret, there is no reason to be afraid.'"
"'Aren't you scared?'" The blonde asks wondering how the surgeon can be so calm.
"'Me? Scared? This whole body is one white knuckle'," Hawkeye admits. Still envious, Margaret answers, "'You don't show it.'"
"'The minute this kid is stable and on the chopper, I may wet my pants and suck my thumb'," The surgeon states. After a moment, he asks, "Why don't we take turns keeping watch?"
"Sounds fine by me," Margaret answers while stifling a yawn. She rolls her eyes, but agrees when Hawkeye announces he will take the first watch. She finds the best wall to lean against before drifting off. Waking up to a hand on her shoulder, Margaret has to reorient herself to the situation.
"I'm up," She mumbles as Hawkeye helps her to her feet. As Hawkeye sits down, the nurse asks how their patient is.
"Stable, no real change," He answers before nodding to floor. "That seat comfortable?"
Margaret nods before taking residence on the chair next to the soldier. Radar comes in once to check on them, but for the most part she is alone. Surprisingly, she never hears a sound from Hawkeye until he mumbles sleepily from the other side of the room, "'What's his blood pressure?'"
Margaret tells him, but remarks, "'I thought you were asleep.'"
"'I always wake up when a lady pumps her sphygmomanometer'," Hawkeye remarks. Standing, the surgeon adds, "'Besides, I don't sleep well on a soft wall.'"
The pair continues to talk until Radar comes back. Noticing the patient's vital signs are good enough for him to be moved, the nurse, clerk, and surgeon transport the soldier to a chopper. Seeing the chopper off, the three remaining camp members head to the jeep. After everyone gets in, Hawkeye starts the engine and proceeds to leave. Stopping in the middle of the compound, Hawkeye takes in the camp possibly for the last time.
"'A big hunk of our lives has been spent here'," The surgeon remarks after Margaret asks him why he stops.
"'Yeah, just think of all the guys we've operated on'," Radar supplies a little in awe. Taking in the camp herself, Margaret becomes a little wistful as well.
"'A lot of them didn't make it'," She hears Hawkeye say causing her to reassure him, "'Most of them did. You should be proud.'"
Humbled by her words and amazed at the nurse's own abilities, especially staying behind, Hawkeye remarks, "'You too.'"
Kissing her on the cheek, the surgeon hopes Margaret will stay calm. Knowing she cannot kiss him back, Margaret gently tells him they need to leave. Suddenly, Hawkeye remarks on the lack of shellfire and bombing. Disturbed by the quiet, Margaret urges Hawkeye to get them out of camp when the jeep quits. As Radar gets out to check the engine, Margaret exclaims, "'I'm gonna be ravaged. I know it!'"
"'Tell them you're with me'," Hawkeye jokes weakly before they all jump out of the jeep to find safety. Finding out their camp is coming back only a few minutes later, Margaret, Radar, and Hawkeye happily run off toward their friends.
With the camp up and running again an few hours later, Radar distributes the mail letting Margaret get word from Donald that she can put her engagement plan in motion. Going to Tokyo for a conference a week later, Margaret calls the Colonel and plays her part to a T. Sending her husband word, Hawkeye eagerly awaits for Margaret's performance.
"'Oh, B.J., Hawkeye,it's too good to be true'," Margaret exclaims happily walking with the men back to her tent when she returns from Tokyo.
"'Then it can't beFrank's promotion'," B.J. teases.
"'No'," Margaret replies happily causing Hawkeye to tease, "'Frank's demotion?'"
Margaret laughs at the suggestion adding, "'Silly. It's the best of all possible newses.'"
"'Uh-huh'," The men reply still having no idea what she is talking about. Eager for them to answer, the nurse asks if they know now.
"'How best? The Big Ben best?'" B.J. asks needing a hint. Confirming, Margaret listens as Hawkeye asks, "'The best-dressed best?'"
Answering her husband in the affirmative, B.J. supplies, "'The war's over.'"
"'Think big!'" Margaret hints as they walk into her tent. Tired of guessing, Hawkeye answers, "'Margaret, we give up.'"
Excitedly, the nurse has the men sit down. Once they are sitting on her cot, Margaret announces, "'Here it comes.'"
"'Alright'" The men answer. A huge smile on her face, Margaret announces, "'I'm engaged to be married.'"
Fake smiles plastered on their faces, Hawkeye and B.J. are not as enthused as the woman in front of them, but decide to be happy for her.
With a laugh, Margaret immediately puts her left hand out for the men to look at. Kissing her ring finger, Margaret laughs again stating, "'Oh, silly, the ring!'"
"'What ring?'" Hawkeye asks confused not seeing the ring he gives her on her finger. Then, to humor his wife on her fake engagement, Hawkeye remarks, "'Oh, there is a ring there.'"
After looking it over a second, the Chief Surgeon is a little miffed his wife's friend cannot get her a better ring than one that looks like it came from a Five and Dime even if for pretend replying, "'That must have cost a pretty penny.'"
"'At least'," B.J. adds surprised by the smallness of it as well.
'"I know the diamond's not so big'," Margaret explains, "'It's a family heirloom.'"
"'Must be a small family'," B.J. remarks.
"'I think it's in excellent taste'," Margaret defends knowing it works for a fake engagement and that she will use the ring Hawkeye gives her as her wedding band later.
"'Well, listen,who wants a pushy ring?'" Hawkeye remarks still a little bitter that she does not use the ring he gives her to wear during their stay here.
Defending her friend, the nurse replies, "'Oh, they're rich, but they try not to flaunt it.'"
"'They're succeeding'," B.J. adds not too impressed with the woman's new fiancee.
"'Congratulations, Margaret'," Hawkeye tells her knowing it will mean they can finally stop part of their charade and act more civil to each other.
"'Thank you'," Margaret replies as her husband tells her he and B.J. need to tell Frank. Telling them she will tell him herself, the men congratulate Margaret again before leaving her tent. A few minutes later, she shows Colonel Potter and lays on how much she likes the man rather thick if only to sell the story.
When she tells Frank about the engagement, he acts calm and collected, but knocks the doors off the mess tent. In no way is he angry at her for getting engaged, but because she can flaunt something like that and he will never be able to.
During surgery, Frank ends up working with Margaret, and so sick of her touting her engagement, Frank is further upset when he finds out she is engaged to the man he has been conversing with the last few months. Having her hold some flesh open for him so he can work, Frank starts small talk on Penobscott and then stabs her with his scalpel. When Margaret shouts and accuses her friend of the wound, Hawkeye nicely states, "Here, Margaret, let me fix it."
With a glare back to her friend, Margaret follows her husband who is already starting to take his gloves off. Waiting a moment for his wife to follow him to post op, Hawkeye immediately grabs a gauze and some antiseptic. Realizing just how bad the wound is, Hawkeye quickly puts some alcohol on a gauze pad and stops the bleeding. Margaret hisses in pain and involuntarily starts to move her hand while Hawkeye tells her to hold still so hand work with her.
"'That sadist'," Margaret remarks angry at Frank, "'He did it on purpose.'"
Still holding pressure to his wife's finger, Hawkeye, just as annoyed with her theatrics and gushing over Penobscott remarks, "'Yeah, well, if he hadn't, I would've."
Looking at her husband, shocked, Margaret asks what he means. Knowing his wife and her inability to be tact or sensitivity, Hawkeye explains, "'It means you have the sensitivity of a Sherman tank. Talking in front of that guy in front of Frank is a swift kick in his ego, a target one can hardly miss.'"
"'He's a grown man isn't he?'" Margaret replies trying to defend herself adding, "'Semi'".
Just as she says her last word, the nurse yells in pain as Hawkeye pours more antiseptic on her. Sometimes, the surgeon cannot understand how his wife can be so compassionate toward people one minute, and so abrasive the next.
"'Something wrong?'" Hawkeye asks innocently. Glaring at her husband, Margaret states, "'You did that on purpose.'"
"'You can take it. You're a grown woman - semi'," Hawkeye volleys hoping Margaret will see how she's acting. Upset that there is some sort of double standard between them regarding her friend and Hawkeye's bunk mate, the nurse asks, "Since when have you ever given two hoots about Frank Burns?"
"'It's only one hoot. I just started'," The surgeon starts.
"'You've given him a few swift kicks yourself'," Margaret informs still trying to justify herself.
"'Yeah, but never when he was down only when he wasn't looking'," Hawkeye replies adding more to himself, "Frank isn't the only one upset here."
"What?" Margaret asks. "You're upset over a fake relationship?"
"When you paint him as a knight in shining armor I do," Hawkeye informs her adding, "You've been going on about him like some sort of Greek god. How do you think it makes a husband feel your talking about him like that?"
"It's just an act," Margaret remarks, "Besides, why not pretend? You're the love of my life, 'but when I can have Adonis, why bother with Pinnochio? When I can have hewn oak, why do I need stucco? When I can have knockwurst, why settle for a...'"
"'Cocktail frank?'" Hawkeye supplies, feeling completely insulted, but deciding to hide his feelings with a small jab at his bunk mate. Giving his wife a small, angry smile, Hawkeye adds, "I'm going to go see to my patients. I'm sure you can tape this yourself."
Surprised by his sudden departure, Margaret almost calls out to him, but somebody else calls to him first. Not until that night, does she realize what she says to Hawkeye causing her to wonder if it is a good time to apologize. Making her decision, the nurse is annoyed when Frank decides to come to her tent. When she tells him they are over, he tells her he understands, but asks why she has to choose Donald. With a sigh, the nurse explains, "It's a cover for him Frank. You can write him all you want, but I need someone to help me act more like the married woman I am, and he needs someone to throw off suspicion. Frank, Donald and I have been friends since we were ten, there is nothing more than a fake engagement and marriage between us. Besides, you know I love Hawkeye."
Sighing in relief, Frank states, "You have no idea how happy that makes me! But, does this mean we can't be friends anymore?"
"Not like we were. Which means no more coming to my tent whenever you want. I will still send your letters for you."
"Thanks, Margaret," Frank replies dejectedly before asking, "Did you use me?"
Caught off guard, and caught, Margaret stammers, "No."
Knowing when he is being lied to, at least by Margaret, Frank leaves the tent. Feeling despondent, Frank goes back to his tent and sits on his bed. Eyeing his helmet and gun, Frank picks it up and decides to head out on patrol. Needing to feel some sense of importance, Frank relieves the MP on duty and takes over patrol duty, even going as far as telling the morning officer to Buzz Off. Not seeing Frank for most of the day, Hawkeye makes a comment to B.J. about it and soon the two are led by Radar to a delerious Frank who is holding a village family hostage claiming they're spies.
A day later, after Frank gets some sleep, the surgeons enter the mess tent. Overhearing Margaret talking with the nurses, the men roll their eyes.
"'The Princess of Tact is at it again'," Hawkeye states as his wife goes on about Donald.
"'Miss Sensitivity'," B.J. adds just as annoyed as his bunk mates. Nodding, the men decide to head toward Margaret's table.
"'Morning, Princess'," Hawkeye states when he, B.J., and Frank sit beside. Still giddy over her engagement, Margaret never registers the sarcasm coming from the officers. That is, until Frank tells her he will trade her in for someone younger.
"'If you'll exuse me, I'm going to go finish my letter'," The nurse remarks as she gathers her things visibly annoyed.
"'You need any help holding up your pen?'" Hawkeye teases.
She sends him a small glare before leaving the men at the table.
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