TW: Underaged drinking, mentions of selfharm, depression
This chapter hurt me to write. We'll be getting back into the happier stuff soon. We got the school festival coming up soon afterall!
Leinei yawns into her hand as she sits on Reina's bed, shuffling through papers from her sister's nightstand and separating them into piles. Keigo sits on the floor by the closet and dresser, sorting through her clothes and sipping here and there on some whiskey she still had on top of the fridge. He glances up at his younger sister, who was having a hard time keeping her eyes open reading through paperwork.
"You can go to bed, if you want," he tells her. "I know you want to go back to school tomorrow."
"M'fine," she replies, shaking her head and rubbing the heel of her palm into her eye. "Do we have any coffee still warm downstairs?"
"If we do, it's burnt."
"Great," she groans, setting down the leaf of papers she had in her hands before sliding herself off the bed. "I'll be right back then."
"Bring me up a cup?"
"I guess so."
"You're the best," he sings as she heads downstairs. She rubs her eye again, shaking her head as she dumps the pot of burnt coffee out in the sink and replaces the grounds in the little basket. She refills the water compartment and hits the button for the machine to start, choosing to lean on the counter next to it as it starts to gurgle and drip. After a minute or two, she leans back to check the time on the stove, her shoulders slumping when she sees how close it is to 10PM.
Katsu is already asleep. I never called him today.
She sighs and hangs her head, closing her eyes. She feels guilty, now wishing she had asked him to come instead of staying away. She still felt horrible for the state she was in prior to coming to the apartment, and how he looked at her. Her stomach twists into a knot at the memory of his pained eyes, how he was afraid to touch her. He thought I wouldn't notice.
He knows how broken I am. He has to know after that.
"I'll help you piece yourself back together."
But does he mean that? Words are easy…proving them right is another.
Her fingers dance over the now scabbed over cuts along her arm, her eyes drawn to the counter space just above it as she gets her nail underneath one. She starts picking at it, scratching until the hardened shell pulls away, and winces, snapping out of her small daze to see a small bead of blood start to well up. Brushing her finger across it and gently smearing it until it blends with her skin, she steps away from the counter and finds two mugs in the cabinet to pull down for her and Keigo.
I'll just call him before he goes into class tomorrow. It'll be nice to hear his voice.
The coffee machine beeps a few minutes later, causing her to flinch. She glances over at the stove again, seeing that it had already turned past ten. I didn't…when did I zone out that bad? Fuck, Keigo's gonna be upset I waited so long.
She sighs and makes the cups of coffee, grabbing the creamer bottle out of the fridge and pouring a generous amount in each one before finding the sugar and scooping three heaping spoonfuls into each cup. As she stands up from putting the creamer away, her eyes are caught by the glass bottle sitting on the counter by the stove, seeing the sprawling calligraphy at the top of the label. It was the same bottle Keigo had made a beeline for when they arrived back at the apartment, had disappeared from the room multiple times to refill his cup so only a quarter of the bottle was left.
She glances towards the stairs, straining her ears to make sure he wasn't coming down just yet. Crossing the kitchen, she grabs the bottle off the counter and walks back to her mug, undoing the stopper on the top and pouring a generous amount of the little bit left before stopping it again and replacing it in its almost exact spot. Her nose wrinkles at the smell, but she shakes her head, grabbing each mug and heading back upstairs.
Back inside the room, Keigo is still sorting through the clothes without really looking up. He thanks her for the coffee, wrinkling his nose when he tastes it. She sits down on the bed, holding hers close to her chest with one hand in case Keigo could smell the alcohol from his little corner. He mutters under his breath, standing up with both of his cups before leaving the room. She relaxes once he's out of the door and takes a long drink from her mug, cringing at the burning feeling in her chest as it travels down her throat. After a few seconds, her body starts to feel relaxed. Even the pit in her stomach starts to unwind, spreading more warmth throughout her abdomen.
Oh. Okay. I see why people drink now.
She keeps sipping on her coffee, in smaller intervals than Keigo had been as she continues to sort through her sister's paperwork. She had finished her drink by the time Keigo had come back upstairs, his brow knitted together as he sat back in his corner. He only had the coffee mug this time.
"I could've sworn I didn't drink that much," he whispers to himself, shaking his head as he pulls the next drawer out of the dresser and dumps it on the floor in front of him. "That shit was expensive too."
Oops. Hehe..
"What was esspensive?" she asks, shaking her head as her words slur together a bit. He glances up at her, raising an eyebrow as she blinks fast. He notes how she was swaying ever so slightly. "What?"
"Don't worry about it. Are you done with Reina's nightstand?"
"Almost," she replies. "I got…I got one more drawer."
"Alright." He starts sorting through the clothes. "Finish that drawer and go to bed."
"Mm, I'm gunna go get another cup of coffee."
"Alright."
He says nothing else as she goes back downstairs, shaking his head as he hears her stumble around and curse softly. He can't even be mad at her; it's not like this was a normal thing. At least he hopes she doesn't make this a normal thing. And at least she's here with me and not somewhere else. God forbid if she was drinking with her boyfriend.
She comes back up and walks over to the nightstand, opening the bottom drawer. Setting the mug on top of the nightstand, she pulls the stack of papers out, setting them on the bed before closing the drawer with her foot and crawling on top of the comforter. She leans over and grabs her drink, starting to go through the papers as she sips a little too fast on her "coffee".
After a few minutes of silence, Keigo looks up again, this time feeling his heart sink as he sees her staring at a set of envelopes sitting on the bed. He gets up and walks over to her, the bed dipping as he sits next to her. Saying nothing as he sees her name scrawled over most of them, his on the one farthest from him, he wraps an arm around her shoulders and presses his lips to the side of her head, closing his eyes as he feels her start to tremble.
"What do you want to do with them?" he asks softly, reaching and taking the now empty mug from her hands. She shrugs, rubbing the heels of her palms into her eyes. "Okay. We don't have to read them anytime soon."
"But I want to," she whines, covering her face with her hands so her voice is muffled. She uncrosses her legs just to tuck them against her chest. "I-I…"
"Bay, you don't have to do anything. I don't think it's smart to open them right now."
"Can-can I at least open one..?"
"If that's what you want…do you want me to go so you can read it by yourself or..?"
"No.."
"Alright."
She takes her hands away from her face, her arms feeling so very heavy as she picks up the envelopes with her name on them. Some are labeled with holidays, her birthday, her graduation. How far ahead her sister thought breaks her heart, like she went into this raid knowing she wouldn't make it out.
After a bloated minute of silence, she chooses the letter with just her name, no special holiday or date labeled. Her hands shake as she opens it, taking a single page out. Keigo rubs her back as she wipes the tears from her eyes again.
'Leinei,
Ten to one if you're reading this, something happened. I'm so sorry I had to leave you, that was never my intention. It was also never really my intention to drive such a wedge between us, but that's my fault and mine alone. I love you more than anything, and I'm so fucking sorry for every time I made you question that. I really hope if you're reading this, we have managed to fix what I broke, because I honestly couldn't rest peacefully knowing I hurt you so much. You're my baby sister, I'm supposed to protect you no matter what, not be your biggest source of pain.
I really honestly don't know what to write to make you feel better or make you smile. I hope you're not crying because your smile always lit my world up. It broke my heart every time I saw you cry, especially when it was because of me. I don't know how to actually show you how sorry I am, but Atsuhiro suggested I write these for a situation like this, so you always have a tangible reminder that your big sister loves you with every part of her being. I would sooner die than let anything happen to you.
I wrote a bunch of letters so you always have something to read every holiday. You can read them all at once, or you can read them on the dates I wrote down. I can't really stop you. I wrote one for Keigo too, but mostly yelling at him and telling him to take care of you or I'd haunt his winged ass until the day he dies and I can shove my foot in his ass in the afterlife. But, if I know our big brother, he doesn't need that letter to make sure you're taken care of.
I think this is the part where I give you advice? I mean, you can follow it, or not. Like I said before, I can't really stop you or tell you otherwise. Don't drink. Always go to bed on time. Please focus on your studies, you're brilliant and do so much better than I did in school. Trust your friends, and don't be afraid to confide in people. Your found family is often a lot better than your blood family. Case in point: Keigo. Please use a condom when you have sex unless you're positive that it's the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. And finally, please don't let anyone tell you how to live your life. Keigo and I have most of ours, and look where it led us. You deserve so much better than what we are. So please find your own happiness.
I am so proud of you, and I know Mom and Dad are too. Never change who you are.
Love your adoring older sister,
Reina.'
Keigo looks at his sister, seeing the tears trickling down her cheeks and the snot peeking out of her nose. He doesn't know if he should say something, or just hug her. He watches as she folds the letter back up and slides it into its envelope, gathering up the other ones and hugging them tightly to her chest as her bottom lip trembles. She clenches her eyes shut tightly, bowing her head.
"Bay..?"
"M-M'gunna go to be-bed," she whimpers, not realizing as he takes the empty mug from beside her as she crawls to the edge of her sister's bed. "I-I-"
"You're fine. Go sleep."
"Lo-love you," she chokes out, waiting until he says it in return to leave. He sighs softly and shakes his head once he hears the door to her room shut. He picks up the letter left for him, weighing it in his hand before deciding not to read it that night. He glances around at the rest of the room, most of which was packed up. I can finish the rest in the morning. I need to sleep.
Leinei lays on her side in her bed, still hugging the letters as she struggles not to wail like a newborn. Every suppressed sob hurts, causing her body to shake and her head to feel so swollen. She feels guilty now for wrinkling the envelopes, sitting up and getting out of bed to gently lay them on her desk and use her fingers to smooth the creases out of them. She stumbles back into her bed afterwards, reaching for Mr. Spokes, only to realize he wasn't there. That's right. Katsu has him.
Katsu..
I..I never called him.
I should call him.
She pats her short pockets, sitting up now as she finds her phone. She messes up her pin a few times before finally getting into her phone. She takes a second as her vision unfocuses, shaking her head so it refocuses. Her body feels heavy and like rubber, and she wants to sleep on top of the crying. But Katsu.
She manages to get to his contact information, sliding it across the screen to start a call. She holds it up to her ear, letting it ring as she sways side to side. A small hiccup leaves her as it almost goes to voicemail. He picks up right before the last ring.
"Leinei, do you have any clue what time it is?" he asks, his voice groggy. Her heart sinks a little and she whimpers. "Baby?"
"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"
"Baby, you're fine," he yawns. She can hear his bed creak and the click of something. "Are you okay?"
"I…I really wanted to hear your voice," she says softly, falling to the side and bouncing into her pillow. "And to check on Mr. Spokes. I forgot he wasn't here with me."
"Mr. Spokes is fine. He's asleep on the bed with me. He does miss you though, and wants to know when you're coming home."
"I wanna come home too," she whimpers again, hugging the pillow she was burying her face in. "I miss you and I wanna see you, and I'm sorry for telling you not to come today. Please don't leave me. I'm sorry. I don't want to be alone again-"
"Baby. Leinei, hey, hey," he says softly, his voice gentler than she had ever heard it. "I'm not leaving. What happened?"
"I-I may have gotten into my siblings' alcohol stash," she mumbles. "Kei-Keigo left the bottle out and I poured the rest of it between two cups of coffee."
"And how much was the rest of it?"
"Um..about a quarter of the bottle."
"Fucking hell, Lei," he breathes, a chuckle escaping him. "Alright. That explains a lot. You're in bed right?"
"Mmhm…I-we were trying to clean out Rei-Reina's room and I-I found letters she wrote to us and I read one, and-" her breath hitches in her throat as another wave of tears hit her. "I can't stop crying. It won't stop. Katsu, I dunno what to do."
"It's okay to cry. You're allowed to. I'm the last person to tell anyone if you do. It's just you and me, okay? I don't know if Birdbrain is listening, but I'm not going anywhere."
"But everyone leaves," she sobs, catching him off guard. "Everyone who says that, they leave. And they leave in the worst ways. Touya, my parents, Reina. I don't want to lose anyone else. I-I can't handle that. I wouldn't make it-"
"Shh, baby, hey, listen to me, okay? Focus on my voice for a minute. I'm not going anywhere. It would take some kind of godlike monster to drag me away from you, because I wouldn't let some cheap shit take me out. I love you too much to not claw and kick and scream my entire way back to you, no matter what happens." His voice trembles a bit. "I trust you, and I love you, and when you come home tomorrow, I'm going to cuddle the hell out of you and Mr. Spokes."
"Pro-promise..?"
"I promise."
"..." She sniffles and uses her free hand to wipe her eyes, coughing a few times to clear her throat. She feels nauseous now, and groans softly. "I wanna come home now.."
"I know you do, but it's just a few more hours."
"I miss you so much."
"I miss you too. It's too quiet without you here."
"Really..?"
"Mmhm. Also, I didn't think dealing with Kaminari and Kirishima would be so irritating without you."
"M'sorry."
"Don't be sorry, baby. You need to sleep."
"Noooo," she whines, shaking her head despite him not being able to see it. He chuckles anyway. "I don't wanna go to bed."
"You need to."
"No. You can't make me."
"Leinei. You need to sleep."
"Nuh uh."
"Baby, if you go to sleep, tomorrow will get here that much faster."
"But if I go to sleep, then I can't talk to you now."
"...I hate to admit it, but you make a good point. So a compromise: I will stay on the phone until you fall asleep."
"...All night."
"Then my phone won't be charged and I can't text you between classes."
"..fine, until I fall asleep."
"Alright. Have you turned your lights and stuff off yet?"
"..no.."
"Go do that."
"But bed is comfyy.."
"I know the bed is comfy, but if you sleep with the light on you're going to wake up with a headache. Well, more of a headache than you're going to already have."
"But bed."
"I'm arguing with a child," he sighs, strained laughter leaving him as she giggles. "The quicker you get up and turn the light off, the quicker you can come back to bed."
"...finee," she whines, climbing out of the bed and falling back onto the mattress as the world spins slightly. "Oof..one second. Just..just one second and I'll get to turnin' the light off."
"Are you okay?"
"M'fine," she assures, rubbing her forehead with the side of her hand. "World just spun way too fast."
"Alright. Easy, m'not there to help you."
"I know..I wish you were."
"Me too, Short Stack. Me too."
After another second, Leinei gets up and stumbles over to the light switch and turns it off. She hurries back to the bed and climbs into it, hugging her pillow as she hears Katsuki chuckling on the other end. She starts giggling with him, closing her eyes.
"Kassu."
"Yes, Short Stack?"
"How much do you love me?"
"Enough to go rounds two and three with the League."
"Nooo, no, nope, not allowed," she replies, earning another chuckle from him. "You're not supposed to say that."
"Then what did you want me to say, Short Stack?"
"That you'll marry me, and we'll have all sorts of animals and a big house and our own agency and stuff like that."
"O-oh. Do..did…um…is this drunk you saying that or sleepy you?"
"A little bit of both," she mumbles, lifting her head enough to set the phone on speaker and lay it on her pillow. The soft glow of the screen lights her face enough to bring her a little peace as she brings her knees up to her chest. "If you're okay with it…I like the way that future sounds.."
"I do too," he says softly. "You need to sleep."
"I know, I know…m'working on it." She sniffles and shakes her head before settling back into the bed. "Hey, Kassu?"
"Yes?"
"M'glad I met you. You're one of the best things that happened to me," she yawns, pulling the blanket up to her chest. "You and our friends…and Keigo. And-and Mr. Spokes, and-"
"Leinei. I love you too, go the fuck to sleep."
"But I wanna-I wanna tell you everything I love-"
"Baby, Short Stack, we will be here all night. And as much as I love you, if I don't sleep, I'm a fucking dick. The last thing I need is for someone to make one snide comment and I will explode. I don't need detention right now."
"But I need you.."
"And I'm not going anywhere. I'm just asking you to sleep."
"But it's too quiet here.."
"Do me a favor and remind me to never let you drink again." She giggles at this and he sighs. She can hear the same click from before and the creaking of his bed as he settles back into it. "Just relax. I'll stay talking for as long as I can. Close your eyes and just relax."
"O..kay.."
He waits for a minute or two before he starts humming, the tune familiar and soothing to her. After a few minutes, her breathing is even and light. He stops for a second to gently say her name, waiting for a response that doesn't come. He puts his phone on speaker and lays it on his chest, draping his arm over his eyes. His face is still warm from everything she's said, his heart racing in his chest.
How am I supposed to sleep now?
I'm so close to leaving and making my way to that apartment.
Will she even remember it in the morning? I mean, she didn't have that much to drink, but it was enough to whirl her emotions around like that…
He groans softly, tilting his head to the side enough to bury his face in the crook of his elbow. After another second, he drops his arm and stares at his dark ceiling, listening to the sound of Leinei's breathing. It feels like that night he slept on the floor of his guest room, relieved that she was breathing and anxious that she would stop at any moment.
Shit did she take her meds? I hope the alcohol won't fuck with them.
I just want her back here…I didn't think I'd miss her this much.
After about thirty minutes of making sure she's deep enough asleep, he murmurs a good night and sweet dreams, feeling guilty as he hangs up. He puts his phone back on the charger and on his nightstand, rolling on his side and seeing Mr. Spokes staring at him from the side of bed Leinei would lay on when they decided to sleep together. The plush is staring at him accusingly almost and he reaches over, picking it up and placing it so it faces the wall.
I don't need a stuffed toy to make me feel even worse.
He tucks his arm under his pillow, still bringing the plush back against him to where it won't stare at him. It lessens his guilt just a little bit, but he still feels his stomach twisting around.
She wants to get married huh? I'd be okay with that…