I was perfectly fine to live on my own. I made up my mind, I was better off being alone. We met a few years ago, now I try on calling you my friend like trying on clothes.

It was truly incredible how many curveballs life could throw at Dawn. She spent the first 16 years of her life without many close friends. Unlike what stereotypes in the media portrayed, she never had a female "bestie" with whom she had regular sleepovers, shared all her secrets with, or bought matching BBF jewelry for. But that was ok, she never minded. She also spent the first 16 years of life living happily and simply, normal and neurotypical. Then, at roughly 16 and a half, everything changed.

It was small at first, but as political tensions climbed, she fell down a rabbit hole on the intertwining history of sexuality and religion. Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into her mind. She finally understood, firsthand, the mental illnesses she used to think just meant being sad or worrying too much. If her desire for companionship was at 0 before, now it was negative. Those were curveballs, but more were coming.

She met Penelope. She got close to Penelope. She almost wanted Penelope to stay as a permanent fixture in her life. Then college happened and they drifted apart, as she knew they would. But that was ok, she never minded, even though the thought used to make her a little sad. But since she expected it to happen, she had time to emotionally steel herself. Then came more curveballs.

COVID. Discord. Nightly voice chats. Streaming anime and YouTube let's-plays. And all with Penelope, a girl Dawn used to think wouldn't mean much to her in the grand scheme of things, but had since become the most present figure in her life. Another curveball: all of this happened three and a half years after they first met! And speaking of "years after they met", it was funny to think they'd known each other since mid-2016, yet it still took Dawn until mid-2020 to even try calling Penelope her friend.

But, to be fair, she hadn't wanted to accidentally rush it, especially when everything about it was still so delicate. She didn't know how much time and bonding had to pass before normal people started considering one another friends. She spent so much time wondering if it was too soon to do this yet, then finally, she gave it a shot. She tried calling Penelope a friend like trying on new clothes. It was uncomfortable at first, weird and awkward, but she grew to feel like it fit just right, comfortable and fashionable. That was another curveball, in her opinion.

I've come to see, you're my favorite dream. Wouldn't you agree we make a real A-team? And we rule the kingdom inside our rooms. 'Cause all the world and its shining pearls, with its handsome guys and pretty girls, never took me quite where you do…

Even more curveballs, Dawn wasn't one for anime or let's-plays (not since her middle school Minecraft days, at least), but for some reason, when it was Penelope, Dawn supposed she could tolerate it. That girl managed to rope her into like five different shows and three different games, including the meme-level sensation of late 2020 that was known as Among Us.

"OH, HEY, IMPOSTER BUDDIES!" Even through the voice chat, Dawn could easily tell Penelope was hyped.

"I can't believe I let you rope me into this," Dawn grumbled, but she was smiling. Granted, she knew she would probably slip up while faking a task and get ejected immediately, but hey, this was what Penelope wanted to do tonight, so if Dawn died early, she was blaming Penelope.

VCs with Penelope were really the only time Dawn ever played Among Us. She tried before in other servers, with other people, but those games never took her quite where games with Penelope did. Even when she and Penelope together in those larger servers, with other people, Dawn would still spend more time focused on thinking about Penelope than the game.

Your friendship's a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep…When Dawn was with Penelope in large public servers like that, it felt like a secret moment in a crowded room and the others had no idea about the two of them or the history and bond that they shared.

Then all at once, late in the night, while the city was asleep, Dawn realized that Penelope might've been the BFF she didn't even know she was waiting for…Change my priorities, the sound of your voice is my idea of luxury! And together, they ruled the kingdoms inside their bedrooms, winning just as many Among Us games as they lost. It was a stupid game, but Dawn had never been so captivated…so…happy, spending time with another person before. Yet another curveball.

Is this the end of all the endings? My broken bones are mending with all these nights we're spending up in our rooms we're having a blast! And I'm sitting here in your voice chat. Said you fancied me, not fancy stuff, and my friend, all at once, this is enough!

ooo

But, just because all of Dawn's recent curveballs of life had been good, that didn't mean they were going to stay that way. Both she and Penelope had separate servers they spent most of their time in, and Dawn was growing increasingly disillusioned with hers. She wasn't proud of what it was becoming, or what she was turning into while she was there. She knew she should've been the first to leave, but she was too prideful.

"I thought I was out of the woods with this!" Dawn sighed, head on her desk in front of her laptop. "Nope. Still depressed. And it's not even over my sexuality this time! No, now it's over what's basically…internet high school cafeteria mean-girl friendship lunch drama!"

That was the one plus of not being close to anyone in all of K-12, she missed out on the normal high school drama. She used to think she'd dodged a bullet. Nah, turned out the bullet was just a bit behind schedule.

I'm pathetic. Why can't I just get over it? I know what the right thing to do is, so why can't I just do it?! What's wrong with me, why am I like this?! I know that it's time to go, but still I stay. Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just pluck up the courage and get out?

Calls with Penelope became more of a lifeline than ever before.

"Ugh, I hate thinking that I'm, like, using her, or something. I don't mean to make her my emotional crutch, and it's certainly not her job to be one. Not for me, not for anyone. But…"

Whether she talked about what was troubling her or not (which she usually didn't. Her policy was that she only talked about it after it was over, not while she was still going through it), it was as if Penelope still had that same magical quality she had back when they first met at the library five years ago. No matter what they talked about, and no matter what baggage Dawn had, she always forgot all of it when she was with Penelope. It was a drug that worked even after the first few hundred times. All Penelope had to do was say Dawn's name and everything just stopped.

But the thing about depression, even during the calls, Dawn would sometimes feel irritable or lethargic. It never showed, but she felt it, and after the calls were over, that would leave her alone with her bitter thoughts once again. One night, though, they were more tragic than angry.

I love you in secret, still too scared of the L-word to use it. That much from her delicate days remained. It was still only platonic love, she could feel it in her heart and bones, but how exactly did a queer girl tell her straight female friend that without sounding like she was propositioning?

Hmm, maybe things hadn't changed as much as she thought… I was 17 years old. Oh, how were you to know how that my love had been frozen? I was deep blue, but you painted me golden! Oh, and you kept me near, through the past few years. How was I to know that I could've spent forever with you talking in DMs, a picture of your face still stuck inside of my head, and you said there was nothing in the world that could stop it, but I had a bad feeling…

Penelope could turn her bed into a sacred oasis, Dawn reclining on her pillows as Penelope rambled about her husbandos.

Then people started talking, putting Dawn through her paces. She sometimes kept it secret from Penelope because she knew there was no one in the world who could take it. But Dawn continued dancing, continued calling, even with her hands tied.

Hmm, maybe things had changed more than she thought…Oh, she was still depressed, but it wasn't like the first time. No matter how down the server got her, and no matter how down the world (2020 and beyond) got her, the darkest thoughts that she used to entertain in 2016 were no longer there. Deep blue eyes and golden hair filled the space where they used to be. Penelope had left her mark on Dawn, a golden tattoo. Sometimes, though, that only meant Dawn's emotional irrationality would turn her worried thoughts on her companion instead.

Penelope was the same age Dawn was when she had her first brush with mental illness, even to the point of mild suicidal ideation. Would Penelope start having those thoughts, too? And would Dawn be able to offer anything useful to her in case the cold and dark days came? It felt hard, especially now that Dawn was having her own rematch with mental illness.

Already, there was one incident she couldn't forget. Penelope came texting, asking for a call, but Dawn turned her away only to later realize the poor girl was in the midst of an anxiety attack when she texted. And Dawn was too busy selfishly wallowing in her own self-pity to realize when someone else right there in front of her needed her help.

"But… I wasn't in a healthy mindset myself, there's no way I could've provided for her!" she muttered, trying to appease her guilt.

Now she couldn't help but wonder and worry what the future would hold. If her mental health took another shot, would she sink beneath the waves, unable to stay afloat any longer? And would that lead her to further ignore the drowning girl right beside her? But even so…

I loved you in spite of deep fears that my mind would divide us. So, baby, can we dance through an avalanche? And say that we got it. I'm a mess, but, hope I'm a mess that you wanted, 'cause it's gravity, knowing you're still near me…I could've spent forever with your voice in the voice chat. I saw your DM, know you're wondering where I'm at. You thought there was nothing in the world that could stop us, but I had a bad feeling…

And yet, as Dawn already noted, although 2021 was shaping up to be a rough year for her, it was still better than 2020 for most people, and it was still better than 2016 was for her. Because of that, she felt ready to dance again, even if her hands were tied. Tied up in drama, mental health, worry about the future…

She would still dance like it was the first time when she met Penelope back in 2016. This time, though, she was stronger, older, and wiser. Maybe she missed that call with Penelope, messed up a few times and left her stranded without support, but if Dawn could get back on track and focus on what was important, then maybe there was still hope…

Flashback when you met me, my past fears and my fake scenes. Even in my worst times, you brought out the best in me. Flashback to my mistakes, my rebounds, my earthquakes. Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth in me, so I'll wake up just in time, so I can wake up by your side. My one and only, my lifeline… You say my name and everything just stops! I hope you know you are my best friend…

Even though Dawn couldn't make any promises, she was determined to be there for Penelope when the lights went out, swaying as the room burned down. She wanted to hold onto Penelope as the water came rushing in, and she wanted both of them to be able to dance without a care in the world again. She finally felt ready to call, ready for Penelope to work her unwitting magic again. She could only hope she was able to offer some sort of solace to the other girl this time as well…

"Hello, Dawn!" Penelope greeted her friend as they both hopped into the VC. As soon as she said Dawn's name, everything just stopped.

"Hey, Penelope." Already, Dawn felt a little less stressed. "You know… we haven't played Among Us in a hot minute. Would you…want to play with me again? We'll play it just like it was the first time."

"Oh, yeah, sure, I'd be down!"

A couple minutes later, Dawn smiled as Penelope cheered. "Imposter Buddies, yes!"

"I have a bad feeling about this," Dawn joked, but she was ready for it anyway, ready to dance with her hands tied. They weren't out of the woods or in the clear yet, but this felt good, felt like the first step to finding some clarity and stability again.

It was about halfway through the first round, after she and Penelope successfully pulled off a double-kill, that Dawn realized something…

And all at once, you are the one I've been waiting for, queen of my heart, body, and soul! And all at once, I don't wanna let you go, queen of my heart, body, and soul! And for the first time in a while, Dawn was happy.

AN: Y'all don't know how hard it is to write about your platonic best friend using TS songs when so many of them are romantic, LOL! And on that note, yes, I know this is not a gay fic even though this is a gay anthology, but I do like to consider this thing as something of a journal, and since my queerness HAS impacted my relationship with this friend (at least on my end), I thought it was worth putting in here.