MONDAY
The rain Monday morning cleared up by the time his shift was over. The moisture was still in the air, humidifying the thick breeze of summer evenings. In a passing thought, Shane contemplated spending his drinking time out in the woods enjoying the hums of the forest. The quiet and its lack of other people was alluring. However, the heat of the season kept him from pursuing a night out with the trees. At his usual spot in the pub sipping on his usual drink, the days were a blur. He wondered, if he didn't have this job, would he even keep track of which day of the week he woke up too? He had a hard enough time keeping track of how many bottles he managed to down this evening. Three empties sat on the bar waiting for Emily to retrieve, and it was only 5:30. Spinning where he stood, Shane knew he had to slow down, if not for his wallet, for the fact that he wouldn't be able to walk home.
He stepped lightly as he sauntered to the game room, with its arcade neon lights sizzling. It had been a while since he had played Junimo kart. He had the second highest score after Lewis, who, it was known, cheated in some sort of way. Shane wasn't about to admit the mayor knew his way around a d-pad or joystick. Throwing in what pocket change was left in his shorts, he started up the old arcade game.
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Mars: 26,000
Shane: 25,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
Alright, I can beat that.
Sure, Shane couldn't get up to the fifty thousand mark, but twenty six thousand wasn't far from his previous high score. After a few tries and enough stubborn grinding, he did just that.
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Shane: 27,000
Mars: 26,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
A quiet grin swept across the washed-up jock's face. He could let himself be happy even if it was for a moment, before his mind decided to tear the little victory down. He finished off his fourth mug only to hear Emily calling to him from the bar.
"Do you want another?"
After so many bottles that Shane stopped counting, he felt that good dizzy as the oceans of his mind calmed and were finally gentle. He cut himself off and decided to go home when his wallet no longer had the funds to support his habit. He didn't know what time he left the pub, only that it was night out and that the stars were a cruel reminder that he would have to wake up in the morning with a headache. They were lights to guide him home, to keep just enough light so he wasn't in unforgiving blackness. He preferred these over the lights of the city, which were always phosphorescent or neon and aggressive to the pupils. He couldn't see the stars where he used to live, or breathe without smog sneaking into his lungs and tainting the quality, just like JojaMart. Progress might be key to the advancement of civilization and what he might credit to his upbringing, but it was a virus to an earth which he now had grown accustomed to, and which he wanted to live in undefiled. But unfortunately he seemed like the messenger for these evil things. Right after he moved in, so did JojaMart. It felt like it followed. How much longer until he wouldn't be able to breathe the air or see the stars here?
His keys scratched against the lock every time he missed the hole. He blamed it on it being dark but he knew it wasn't the lack of light, but the booze in his system. Once the key met the lock, he heard something. Out in the woods was the most minor rustling between the foliage and the dirt. His brain said it wasn't anything, but his guts turned and screamed.
Get in the house now.
Fear wasn't rational and had Shane struggling to turn the key the right way. The noises then stopped, but then it was the lack of noise which scared him. The thing out there didn't want him to hear it. The noises were failed attempts, and the absence of them meant it was learning. But he wasn't out of the protection of the house for much longer, and he had opened the door and slammed it shut before his imagination could continue to get the better of him.
"Out late?" Marnie's voice rang from the kitchen as she sat at the dining room table. Shane gasped for air as his heart attacked his chest wall.
"Yeah," he answered. "Why are you up?"
"I couldn't sleep," Marnie said as Shane joined her in the kitchen, pulling a beer from the fridge. " I keep having these horrible nightmares."
"About what?"
"You and Jas," Marnie said, pausing to compile her unconscious dream visions into comprehensible thoughts.
"What are they about?"
"I...I don't want to tell you."
"Why don't you want to tell me?" Shane queried. Marnie's words were strange.
"They're just dreams, Shane. I shouldn't even be bothering you about them," Marnie said, as if trying to dismiss the conversation.
"I think I can handle hearing about some weird nightmares you keep having," he reassured his aunt. "They're just dreams, they don't mean anything."
"I don't know how to explain it, but you're not you. You're some sort of monster and you're coming after Jas and she's scared of you!" Marnie then stopped herself. "You have claws and fangs and it's horrible and you want to hurt her. At least I think you do."
The thought that subconsciously Marnie thought of her nephew in this way had Shane in bits. He knew he wasn't exactly the best influence on anyone, especially Jas. She was too young to understand that she should not want to be like him. But still… a monster that wanted to hurt her? He didn't let these thoughts through his expression.
"Well I'm not some sort of monster, and you and I both know I would never hurt Jas. So it's nothing more than a bad dream."
"I know, but it feels so real. You know I can't even handle scary movies, let alone scary dreams."
"Well, scary movies aren't real and neither are those dreams. So how scary can they be?" Shane asked, trying to get to bed as he felt the aches of tiredness seeping down.
"You're right. I shouldn't be letting this get me this upset." Marnie agreed, seeming confident now that these nightmares wouldn't get the best of her any longer. "Thanks."
The light from his alarm clock gave Shane just enough of its glow to see so he could finish off his last beverage for the night. His thoughts were not his friend, but the booze in his system made him pass out before they could ridicule him.
TUESDAY
Another day, another night at the saloon. He was hazy from the night before, but it didn't stop Shane from his destructive path. He slowed down on the drinks knowing that, between his wallet and his liver, one wouldn't make it. Instead of letting his thoughts get to him, he decided to people-watch. It was a slow Tuesday, and Pam was already belligerent, trying to speak a language only she seemed to maybe understand. Gus waved down Emily and spoke to her from too far away for Pam to hear, and after that the sad excuse of a mother was only served water until she was sober enough to leave. A weird urge made Shane feel the need to check the Junimo Kart game. Sauntering over to the game room, he loaded up the old machine with a few coins and checked his status.
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Mars: 28,000
Shane: 27,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
Alright, you want to play a game? After grinding away longer than he anticipated Shane found himself near the top of the leaderboard.
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Shane: 29,000
Mars: 28,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
Beat that.
When he returned his attention back to his usual spot Emily hung over the bar. She had a big smile that was almost always carved into her face. As he approached she brought up a mug from underneath the bartop.
"Did you win?" She asked. Shane did a quick scan of the establishment. It was a slow night and Emily was bored.
"No, I just got the second highest score."
"Gus told me that the new guy keeps coming in here and playing that same game in the afternoon."
"Yeah, he keeps one upping me on it. Shit's annoying," he lied. The challenge was a way to keep his mind preoccupied and out of its usual dark place.
"Well, it can't be too bad, I keep seeing you having fun trying to beat his score," she beamed. Her sister might've been the one who looked like the sun, but Emily shined in a way Shane had never seen in another person. She had enough gentleness to share with everyone, to a point he envied it.
How could she be so happy? So bright? Have all this warmth to her but I'm stuck in this pit of despair trying to crawl my way out on broken limbs?
He had been staring for too long.
"Hello?" she said, bringing Shane back to reality.
"Oh sorry…" he muttered. The headache of drinking too much was getting to the alcoholic.
"I think you like him trying to beat your score," she teased as she took the finished mug from Shane,
"Why would I want that?"
"Because it makes your aura pink," she said,
"And what does that mean?" he slurred. The hop scent rolled off of his breath.
"You know what that means," she said with a smile before taking herself and the mug down to the sink.
"Can I get-"
"No, I think I'm cutting you off," she joked before pouring him another.
WEDNESDAY
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Mars: 30,000
Shane: 29,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
Pocket change, more tries than he originally had planned.
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Shane: 31,000
Mars: 30,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
THURSDAY
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Mars: 32,000
Shane: 31,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
The routine continued. Shane was even bringing extra coins so he didn't have to wait for Emily to break his bills. Without thinking about it, he was smiling. His body was light and worries of how his life had come to this were melting away. In a way, he had a friend that kept just the right distance for him to not hurt him. Emily noticed the smile before it disappeared as they made eye contact.
"Did you beat it?" she asked. Before he could answer, the evil that held him so close and dragged him down to its depths had Shane's smile gone and brought him back to being rude.
"Did you get me another beer?" he retorted.
Shit, why am I like this?
Without missing a beat, the blue haired barmaid had the mug up and on the counter.
"So?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because I like seeing you happy!" Emily answered. " You keep turning more and more pink everytime I see you."
"You know I have no idea what that means," he said, taking the first sip of his drink. The foam was familiar and comforting to this social situation.
"It means you're letting that wall down little by little."
"What wall?"
"The one you put up around yourself to keep everyone out," Emily said with a giggle at the end. "You know what wall, silly!"
"I just don't like other people. I don't have some sort of 'wall' or pink mumbo jumbo around me that science has never proven…" He stopped himself.
I'm just me and that scares people away…
"You know just because you don't believe in it doesn't make it not true," Emily said. She took a quick look to see how much time she had left to talk to the depressed drunk. "And even if it's not true if it makes people happy, then what's wrong with that?"
"If it's not true then it's not real."
"You know I love you, Shane, but sometimes I think you need to just let go and have some fun. Life isn't all doom and gloom."
Had he affected her finally? Had he turned the one person whom he thought would never be susceptible to his toxicity? He stuttered in his words trying to apologize, only to fail as Emily was called to another patron.
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Shane: 33,000
Mars: 32,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
FRIDAY
Maybe it was the lack of a hangover, or the fact it was the last day of the work week, or how the sun didn't roll in through the windows to remind Shane that he had to start another depressing day of his life, but his mood was lifted. His spirits were high and his need for his morning liquor was not required. He knew he could make it through this day. Even Marnie noticed how (dare she say) happy her nephew came off as he did his morning chores. Without wanting to jinx it, she let him continue this good day without knowing she knew. She only let her own happiness show when he was out of sight.
The freezer didn't nip as hard as it usually did, and only lasted for half the day before Morris had Shane stocking shelves out in the open to finish off his shift. The day didn't drag, and time seemed to move quickly before Shane knew it his shift was over. The sun was still up and the outside world was warm and welcoming. He thought about what else he could do with such a wonderful day, but that was the thing: Even on the best days all he had to look forward to was the saloon or home.
What a cruel joke.
The place was packed like usual on a Friday night. He tried to slip through and get to his spot without too many pairs of eyes following, but one in particular seemed to catch him. The new face who bought him a drink last week, and unsuccessfully tried to pay his tab came strolling in from the game room. WIth a gentle wave he greeted Shane, who blew it off to go stand in his corner, waiting for Emily to serve him. Soon he had his first drink of the evening and he watched the man who was trying so hard to at least get on Shane's non-scowling side. Why was he so friendly? What could he possibly be saying to all these strangers? Because that's who these people were to him - strange and new.
Shane thought about when he first moved to Pelican town how he didn't speak to anyone for months, content with keeping to himself away from everyone. But small towns didn't work that way, and soon everyone knew his name and where he lived and how he was related to Marnie. Maybe this guy just knew it didn't matter, and that he best bite the bullet now instead of waiting for Shane's pathetic existence to slowly be revealed. Emily brought him another mug.
"From your friend," she answered with a smile.
This guy was persistent. And Shane was too weak to turn down the free drink. He wouldn't let the stranger pay for his night out, but one drink, sure.
Lets see how many times I can be a dick to you before you learn I'm not your friend.
Time escaped Shane as he watched the bottles collecting on the counter. It didn't matter to him. Emily could leave the mess as long as she kept bringing them. His fingers felt as numb as his brain and it was that time of the night. The thought of the Junimo Kart scores snuck into his mind. The new guy was chatting it up with Lewis, too busy to notice Shane move his way to the arcade games.
Highscores:
Lewis: 50,000
Mars: 34,000
Shane: 33,000
Sam: 10,000
Abigail: 5,000
Son of a bitch.
The game loaded up and Shane went to work. He spent most of his buzz getting up to that damn whale, hitting thirty-three thousands just before being hit with a bubble. On his last attempt, tired of his pride wrapped up in such a stupid thing, he did it. He reached thirty-five thousand before the little green Junimo flew to the depths of the unknown. He went to take a swig of his beer to find he had already demolished it. With a smirk he returned to Emily asking for another mug, which she provided.
However, the feeling wasn't long lived. The man who was so desperate to make friends with the unfriendliest person in all the valley soon tore himself from idle prattle with Pierre and disappeared into the game room.
Not soon after he was walking out, arms bent behind his back, shooting Shane a wink and half grin. It was on. His opponent downed the last of his mug and called for Emily to bring him another one while he made a new score to settle.
Shane stared at the digital screen,
Mars: 37,000
Shane: 35,000
Are you fucking kidding me? Game on.
Shane: 39,000
Mars: 37,000
Beat that, kid.
By the time Shane returned to the main room the crowd had become sparse, however his opponent sat at the bar alone drinking a mix he knew Emily had made by how many colors were in the glass. He knew he had been gone for a while because the foam on his beer had settled and the coldness had turned lukewarm, but it was worth it. He studied the man again, how he was adapting to not having anyone to really talk to. Sure, Emily paid him some attention, but it didn't seem to be enough. Shane watched as the man stirred the drink, and the colors mixed into tints unrecognizable from their original shade. Shane never 'got' extroverts. He needed time to himself. How could anyone recharge from being around others?
They made eye contact, and there was another smile.
Shane turned away.
"Stop being mean to him, he just likes you"
"What?!" Shane was almost speechless. "How can he like me, he doesn't even know me!" Shane stumbled on his words. " Plus he's a guy, why would he want anything to do with me? I'm gross!"
"Stop being mean to yourself, too!" Emily barked before taking his drink and asking if he needed another one.
As Emily passed by the new face, he looked up, another long gaze passed between the two of them. Both their faces were slightly tinged pink. Shane tried not to engage, deciding to try and focus on his drink. However, his eyes wandered back on the new face as it passed back into the game room behind the color-tinted glass. He was going back there to try and beat Shane's score. There was a pain in his guts that said that this new face would smoke him. Shane waited and waited, wondering at points if he had actually seen the man walk back into the game room. By his second drink the new face walked back to the main area, much like he did the first time, arms behind his neck with a smile, Shane swore he almost heard him say,
"Your turn."
Without missing a beat or caring that this man saw him, Shane entered the game room and started the game up.
Mars: 39,500
Shane: 39,000
Bitch couldn't even get a whole thousand higher than me.
The booze relaxed Shane enough to where it didn't take him as long to get to the spot that he needed to be in Junimo Kart. But when he did make it to such a level he panicked, knowing that one wrong jump could have him restarting, which was the case for most of his attempts, until…
Shane: 41,000
Mars: 39,500
In the archway between the game room and the main bar stood the new face who kept one upping him. It wasn't strange for other men to be taller than Shane but this time it stung in a weird way as he passed by, turning what happiness he had from getting the new highscore into a sludgy mood, having the poor excuse for a human being to shoot down his fresh mug of beer. Shane didn't want to admit it but he watched that archway, all the shadows that could possibly be his opponents, waiting for him to come out on top of Shane's score. Emily came over and offered a refill which he declined. He was too dizzy to walk home already. When he looked up from the darkness between his arms that he had buried himself in he noticed the bar itself was empty, then asking himself what time it was, 11:40 pm. Not much time left. Emily brought over what was due on his tab, and Shane paid accordingly. But his attention was completely drawn on that archway, waiting. It was 11:50pm when the new face came out with arms bent behind his head, and a big smile.
"Alright, I can't beat it," the nameless man announced. "You win!"
Damn right I fucking win…
Shane recounted his money to make sure he gave the correct amount. Trying not to box Shane in, the man came over trying to talk to him.
"So...uhh, I'm Mars," he introduced himself with his hand out to shake.
"Yeah I know, I can read the leaderboards," Shane said, pretending to recount his money again, not making eye contact but desperately wanting to interact with the young man.
"So it's getting pretty late, we live kind of close, do you want to maybe walk home… together?" Mars asked. Emily catched as Shane turned a deep red.
"I don't think that's gonna happen," Shane tried to say without his voice breaking from nerves.
"Why's that?"
Shane turned around, not ready to deal with what was in front of him. What greeted him was warmth: A mellow smile from a person who didn't know him, but was seemingly infatuated with him. It had been such a long time since he was someone's crush, and he knew it. He stepped back, not that Mars stood too close, but he needed space to process. In the act he rammed himself into the countertop on accident. His crush smirked.
"You sure you don't want to talk home together?"
"I'm positive," Shane said, redder now. He tried to squish himself past the barstools, with a half-full mug still in his hand.
His eyes are so pretty…
He couldn't stop staring. It's not like Mar's had some sort of fantastical set of irises, they were gray and blended in with his pupils, but they shined and beamed through Shane in a way he wasn't quite sure about.
"Can't take the beer with you son!" Gus yelled from the bar, eyes not even looking up. It was then Shane noticed how heavy his dominant hand felt. In a swift motion he downed the rest of the mug's contents, setting it on a table before storming off.
"Can he always down that much?" Mars asked in the open, waiting for Emily to answer his silly question.
"Normally more."
"That's hot."
"Or a drinking problem…"
"Yeah…that too," Mars said, finishing off his own drink. "But I was talking about how much he can swallow at once," he added before Emily playfully punched him in the shoulder for his vulgarity.
Shane's heart raced and his head shook as he walked home alone. Those eyes, those muscles... He put his head in his hands as he walked.
Fuck me man…
He tried to shake the feelings off like dust or dirt, but it didn't matter. These feelings were more Intrusive than his regular depressing thoughts. They overtook him and it felt weird to feel anything but sad. Maybe that was his problem. He had been feeling sad for so long it hurt worse to feeling anything other than misery. Clouds were covering the overhead stars and moon that he found comfort in on these lonely walks back home. It would start to rain soon, and if he didn't want to get soaked or be yelled at by Marnie for dragging in mud, he'd better hurry.
Was it the wind rustling or the rain beginning to berate the treetops? He tried to pick up speed but his knees popped and cracked more than anything out in the wilderness, and it hurt. Dear god, did his body hurt. How did he let his form fall to pieces this badly? Hadn't he promised himself that at no matter what age he would never get to the point of this out-of-shape? Bile seeped out from his mouth, like a dragon readying its flames, but only instead of fire it was stomach acid and alcohol.
Shane didn't have time to think about how pathetic of a washed up shit-show he was. He would pass out not too much longer from now, and he couldn't be found in the morning laying on the ground in his own vomit. He didn't have much farther to go, and he could see the lights of Marnie's ranch in the distance. But then again, that feeling came creeping up from his guts. That undeniable itch of some force lurking in the shadows watching from a distance, and the only way Shane would ever scratch it was if he found the beast within the shadows. Maybe it was the competition from earlier, or the homoertoic feelings he was trying to push back. He wasn't completely sure if he should feel shame or not. It could've just been the booze making him more feisty out in the blackness of the night, but as he balanced himself on the ranches fence just trying to make it home, the thing moved.
"Whatever the fuck you are, leave me the fuck alone!" he said with a slurring to his voice, Shane didn't even realize what he had shouted until moments after he had said it. His gut urged him to not look up.
Run inside boy, hide under the bed and hope your momma comes to save you.
But he wasn't no little boy anymore hiding under broken bed frames because of noises that scared him. He was a man. And men, real men who weren't weak and helpless, looked at what tried to scare them. So he looked up.
Nothing.