SATURDAY

Anxiety riddled him. Shane remembered most of what had happened at the Luau on Thursday, all the drunken things he did and said, all the feelings he couldn't hide, how in his drunken state he had believed in himself, and that maybe a guy like Mars could be into a guy like him. The saloon called out to all its regulars now that they were free to walk the streets at night. However, as Shane had walked inside, Mars had been nowhere to be found, and in his sober mind, doubt and panic spread.

You scared him off. He doesn't feel comfortable around you…

Now Shane waited, hoping that the voice in his head was wrong, that maybe something more important than drinking at the local pub had come up, and that's why Mars wasn't at the saloon. People did have lives outside of Stardew. Not Shane, at least not a life he wanted to return to, but some people did.

Optimism was starting to take hold of the walls around Shane's defenses like vines slowly disintegrating the cement in between, but as the time slowly crept passed when Mars would normally have arrived on their now regular Saturday meet up for beer and video games, a pit of sour sadness replaced his anticipation.

He's mad at you because of what happened at the Luau. Why would he ever like you in that way?

Despair made him cold, and soon Shane sat alone in his room with a blanket wrapped around himself, lights off, and a gut full of a six-pack he had demolished on his own. He could feel himself spiraling the more he allowed his thoughts to wander. Seconds turned to minutes and minutes to hours until he knew Mars wasn't coming at all. Darkness engulfed his room, and Shane didn't know if he could deal with the void enveloping him in such a way. Working up the strength, he was able to get himself out of bed and turn the old bulky T.V. towards his bed. He then returned to his pillows and blankets, remote in hand.

TONIGHTS TOP STORY:

"The monster which has terrorized Zuzu City is still at large!

Police are attempting to track down perpetrator of

several bizarre attacks."

He was only half listening in an attempt to try and turn his brain off, and Shane wasn't sure if the news would be a great source for such a feat. But as the story went on, his guts told him not to change the channel. Had they said "monster?"

"Several reports of maulings at

local gay bar have officers baffled."

As the news reel continued showing the sides of the building of the club, Shane couldn't help but notice that the slash marks were the same as the ones on coops and barn. Whatever had left scars on the concrete building in Zuzu City had done so on the coops and barn on Marnie's Ranch. He turned the volume up.

"Surviving victims say that their attacker

was a bear-like animal that had to have stood around

seven to eight feet tall. They say it was hairless and weighed around

two hundred pounds."

The news cut to a witness, a man who spoke with deliberate articulation to his voice. He seemed to laugh slightly, not because the situation was funny but because he was maybe scared out of his mind. In a morbid sense he seemed to be laughing at the pants-shitting horror he didn't think was real, in some sort of a trauma response.

Witness:

People are going to think I'm crazy, but I know what I saw. It attacked my friend.

The police keep saying it was a bear, but that wasn't no bear!

How does a bear get into a city like this? Through all the traffic? Past how many people?

The interviewer:

What did it look like?

Witness:

Seven, maybe eight feet tall, really skinny. You could see all its bones underneath. I swear I could see its heart pumping under its dark black skin. Like one of those angler fish with the thing on its head. Hairless too. Lots of sharp teeth. I don't know what it was, but I never want to see it again.

SUNDAY

Shane was a never a morning person, but just before the sun would ascend up into the sky, before the chickens would cluck awake to its grace and beauty, Shane stood outside with a cup of spiked coffee staring into the woods. The cool dawn colors were masquerading what hid between what he could and couldn't see. He took a seat at the forest's edge, letting the morning dew and insects cling to his form, as the coffee and cheap bourbon warmed him.

"I saw what you did in Zuzu City," Shane said, taking a sip of his drink. "It was on the news last night. They think you're a bear,"

He stopped himself and thought about how crazy he looked. He took another sip as his hand went to his face.

"Why are you attacking things? What are you?"

Birds were moving between branches and up into the sky as the wind carried his voice off into the distance. Then he saw movement.

"You can hide all you want, I know you're there," Shane said.

Another sip, then like a whisper behind his ears:

Aren't you scared? I could kill you at any moment.

Deadpan, Shane answered the beast in his head.

You'd be doing me a favor…

"Shane?" Marnie's call from the road jolted him back to reality, "What are you doing out here? It's not even sunrise yet."

The day was another blur of chores and nothingness that Shane was accustomed to, with only the dread of the next day of endlessly stocking gray shelves to look forward to. He sat with Charlie and a cold brew, letting his feathered friends' softness calm him down.

"You know, I'd let you stay in my room if Marnie would let me…" he muttered between racing thoughts. "Can I ask you what attacked you and the cows that night? Where were you for the whole night before coming home?"

The chicken cooed to Shane's voice but didn't answer him, content with staying on his lap and receiving pets.

"You probably don't even remember," Shane said, taking a drink. "No you probably do, it was probably really traumatic. I'm sorry it happened."

He took a breath as he relived the scene. He heard Marnie's words saying I can't find Charlie. He saw the blood, the claw marks, the indentations of a powerful beast still on the insides of the barn's walls, the news story. He held Charlie close.

"I won't let anything happen to you," he muttered, rubbing his face into her feathers as he pulled her closer into his grip.

From the front of the ranch he could hear Marnie calling to him, but he ignored her.

If it's that important she can come get me…

He continued to bury his face into Charlie who enjoyed the attention. The door and its noisy hinges called out, followed by light footsteps. Shane pulled himself from his feathery friend.

"Hey stranger, miss me!" Mars announced. His voice was like alcohol during the shakes. It was intoxicating: Everything Shane wanted. No. Needed. Without thinking he jumped from where he sat, sending poor Charlie flying the best she could off of his lap, as he wrapped his arms around Mars. The second after he came to his senses, Shane pulled away, a bumbling mess of words and half thought through apologies.

"Sorry I wasn't able to tell you," Mars said with a half grin. "I had to leave for a couple of days, Jojamart made me an offer to do some negotiations for them and it was money I couldn't turn down. Hope you're not too mad at me!"

There was a pause between the two as Shane regained his composure, the weight of the worry he had over the thought that his friend had been mad at him over his behavior at the Luau lifted.

"Why would I be mad at you?" Shane answered, trying to get Charlie to come back to him. "You gotta do what you gotta do. They probably paid you a lot didn't they?" he muttered, his own anger towards himself slipping through. Mars could feel his friend sinking into his own darkness, and moved to change the subject.

"I mean...yeah, but it sucked. That's why I stopped doing it full time" he answered before deflecting. "Wish I could've taken you with me. There was this huge arcade near the hotel I was staying at that I would have kicked your ass at."

"Pinball Pete's?"

"How'd you know?" Mars asked, taking a seat next to Shane.

"I used to live in the city before coming here. My friends and I would go after Gridball practice."

A grin swept across Mars' face. "You never told me that."

"Never came up," Shane spoke with a hint of sorrow. He tried to hide it, knowing Mars would pick up on his gloom if he let him. The silence between them told Shane he had failed.

Damn it.
"The friend part," Mars joked, "You never told me you had friends." This was able to bring a smile onto Shane's face. It was then that Shane realized what was making him feel the way he was feeling.

"Listen, I'm sorry about what happened at the Luau. I was way too drunk, I don't even remember most of what happened," Shane lied, trying to cover himself. The merriment from Mars' eyes faded.

"Ohh…" he replied as his eyes disconnected, staring at the ground, "Well what do you remember?"

I remember everything…

You holding me

Dancing with me

How happy we both were…

Sadness couldn't touch me

"I don't know," he answered. "I was fucked up, but I know I was being an ass and I'm sorry." Shane watched as Mars made the decision to either let this go, or call him out on his bullshit. He got lucky.

"I don't think you were being an ass, you were really drunk, but I think we all had a good time," Mars spared him. "Just don't fill an entire water bottle with vodka next time."

"Deal."

They spent the rest of the time in Shane's room with the lights off watching the Sunday night game. Mars had admitted to Shane he wasn't the biggest sports buff, that the idea bored him to tears, but that he was willing to indulge in his friends interests as long as he explained what was going on.

"Didn't your dad ever watch Gridball?"

"No, they didn't have a T.V. in the house." Mars divulged as he pressed his amber bottle of beer to his lips.

"Wow," Shane slurred, drunk, "I might've grown up poor, and my family might've sucked, but that is by far the worst thing I've ever heard. No T.V.?"

"Nope. Not even a radio. Just books and vinyls."

"Wow. What was your parents' deal?"

"They were just really old school," Mars said, taking another swig of his drink. "You know, I've sat here and told you about my family, what about yours?"

"What about them?"

"What were they like?" Mars asked. The idea of thinking back on days he drank to forget had Shane gunning the rest of his beer. He reached for another.

"You said you grew up in the city, I'm guessing you didn't like it. That's why you're here now?"

That was only partially true. The quiet stillness that nature offered compared the bustling city life he left behind wasn't the only reason he found himself in Stardew, but in his mind Shane thought about how he would word it.

"Shane?"

"I had some stuff happen to me. My aunt was nice enough to take Jas and me in…"

"I didn't think she was yours-"

"She's not," Shane cut him off.

Don't lie to him…

He brought his body inwards, knees to his face,and arms cradling himself.

"I'm actually her godfather, she was my friend's kid, he and his wife died..."

He swallowed before finishing.

"...in a car wreck."

Emotions he denied himself through drinking found another way in. Shane thought about his friend, all the good times they had, all the not-so-good times, and then when 'it' happened.

"She didn't have any other family, so legally I guess she's mine. It wouldn't matter anyways. I still would've taken her in. She is… was my best friend's kid."

"I'm sorry," Mars said. "I'm sorry for you and her."

"I don't need your sympathy," he snapped.

Booze kept the dead from becoming ghosts that would haunt a sober Shane. Again he obliterated his drink as he tried so desperately to forget. Beer wasn't doing it anymore. He needed out of reality, and he did so with a half-drunk fifth of bourbon he had hidden under his bed. As he laid on the hardwood, the dark liquor burning his throat on the way down, he realized he couldn't forget. He wouldn't get out of this spiral. His mind was an insect in the ocean during a storm.

"Shane, stop."

He had never heard Mars tell him "no" in such a direct way. He pulled the glass bottle neck from his mouth.

"My dad wasn't around a lot, but when he was he sure knew how to hurt me," Shane said, taking another drink of the amber fire as it let his soul speak. "He could beat me down with just a look, I wasn't ever good enough, I wasn't man enough for him.

Run inside boy, hide under the bed and hope your momma comes to save you!

"I tried so hard to be someone he could love," his monotone voice did not crack as his eyes streamed tears. "And that just never happened. I was never enough of a man for him."

He put the fifth down and smeared the tears from his skin like bugs uninvited. He could taste in the air Mars that wanted to tell him to stop. He didn't have to talk about it, but Shane wasn't about to stop. He wanted to know about him, well here it was.

"My mom didn't really care either, about anything really. If I slept, ate, bathed…I don't think she wanted me, you know? I was a mistake, an accident." More tears he didn't want anyone to see came. "I kind of wished she would've gotten rid of me, then I wouldn't be here, suffering."

Shane rolled over, unable to stop himself. The words of his father were coming back like the burn of the bourbon.

Suck it up. Don't be such a little baby about it. Be a man.

"I don't know where I'd be without my aunt. She was more of a mom to me than my actual mom."

His voice was now starting to break as the anger towards himself and within him bubbled up, trying to escape. "I've tried so hard to get out of this, and so many people have helped me, but I'm too stupid and weak and worthless to help myself." He was straining to speak. "I'm so fucking jealous of you and everyone else, I work so hard to just to skim by, and even then if I didn't have Marnie cutting me a deal on this room, and if I didn't have that mindnumbing job at the Jojamart I would be on the streets. I should be grateful but I'm not. I'm angry, I'm unappreciative, and I'm depressed."

Tears and fury turned Shane into what he never wanted anyone to see: How he felt on the inside. "You're lucky people like you, and you have a talent that makes you money. You're not even near my age and have your life set,"

"We all struggle-" Mars tried to cut in.

"I know!" Shane snapped back. "I know everyone struggles. But why is it that I'm the one fucking miserable all the time?! I just want to fucking die! Then maybe I won't be such a burden to everyone."

Another half of the liquor was gone, the remaining spilled onto the floor because Shane's shaky hands couldn't sit still long enough to set it down right as he wept in a flurry of incoherent slurring, asking the universe why his family didn't love him, why his friend died, what did he do to deserve this, and wishing he was man enough to just stop crying.

Mars sat the bottle of bourbon upright and moved it out of the way. He tried to hold Shane, who for a moment enjoyed the cold touch of Mars' body against his.

"Stop… just leave me alone."

Mars pulled away, his arms crossed.

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yeah, make me stop feeling this way!" Shane retorted, pulling himself inward more. "I'm too weak and stupid..."

"You're not weak and stupid. You've dealt with a ton of shit. It's human to feel emotions," Mars tried to comfort him.

"But I don't want them. I don't want to feel anything anymore!" Shane sobbed.

"That's never going to happen. You're always going to feel something. Just because you're a man doesn't mean you magically can't feel sad or upset or care. Your dad was wrong-"

"Just go away!"

"No, talk to me!" Mars pleaded. Without thinking he put his hands to Shane's shoulders. If his thoughts weren't racing maybe he would've ignored the coldness and appreciated the gesture, but Shane's body was a live wire ready to electrocute anything coming in contact with him. He jolted away and turned.

"Why do you want anything to do with me anyways? Do you like damaged men, is that your thing or something?"

"What?" Mars retorted as if he were confused by the question. "What are you talking about, Shane? I'm your friend."

"Yeah, that's why you kept buying me drinks when we first met. And flirted with me. And acting like you care about me. What do you want?"

"No! I'm your fucking friend… I mean…" Mars stammered, trying to gather his thoughts but failing. "I do like you like that, yeah… but I'm not going to force myself onto you, I like hanging out. I like being your friend. And if that's all this is, fine by me. But…"

Shane could almost read his mind, because he was thinking the same thing before Mars said it.

"...I don't think this is one sided."

Mars searched the ground for the rest of his words, Shane had never seen him not keep eye contact, stutter, or lose track of his thoughts while he spoke.

"I know you remember what happened at the Luau and the things you said and did with me."

"No, I fucking don't."

"I know when people are lying, so don't think I don't know. I think you're just scared to admit it because you're scared of what other people will think. You're scared of what your dad would've thought."

"How do you fucking know? You don't know me and you don't know what I've been through or how I feel!"

"Then talk to someone!"

"Who are you to tell me to talk to someone? You're a bigger freak than me. You're colder than a fucking corpse everytime you touch me. You're a fucking hypocrite. Worry about yourself instead of me."

"Now who's talking about shit they don't understand? I know what's wrong with me, I manage my shit, you can't even live with yourself! Shane, you just said you wished you were dead!" Mars stopped himself before continuing. "You're my friend I want to see you get better, but drinking your feelings and problems away isn't going to do that. It's just going to make them worse."

Shane let loose with another bout of sobbing, trying to make himself small, trying to close his mind off from the world. Mars held back and stayed physically distant.

"Shane, I care about you. And not just romantically…"

As Mars moved to sit beside him, Shane lashed out in a fit of anger, pushing Mars away. Unfortunately it was hard enough to send him to the ground. When Shane realized his mistake, he couldn't speak. He was too shocked by his own actions.

"Fine. If you want to be that way, be miserable forever. I'm just not going to waste my time on someone who doesn't want to help themself."

No, no, no, no, no don't leave me…I don't want to be alone...

But he was gone, and with good reason. The despair within Shane took hold as his body slumped over onto the hardwood, unable to move. In a ball he cried in the dark, hands cupping his face, eyes refusing to make any more tears for his anguish after losing track of time. Why did he do these things to himself?

Marnie listened from the kitchen. Shane never wanted anyone in his business, but he sure didn't understand how to keep quiet enough so everyone couldn't hear it. Mars emerged, face red tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, he's just gone through a lot," she whispered. Mars collected himself, wiping the tears from his face and calming down.

"I know… I know."

"You won't believe me but he used to be really happy," Marnie spoke, waiting for the microwave to ding. "I think he just needs some time to process."

Mars thanked her for her kind words and left for the night. Shane's confession that Marnie had been more of a mom than her sister ever had been to him didn't come as a surprise. She never had any children of her own, but she had always been the maternal type, which left her with the job of picking up the pieces of where her sister left off. She remembered her sister dropping Shane off for four day long weekends during the summer, gum in her mouth snapping as the wind caught the scarf holding back her bottle-blonde hair.

Marnie, you know those clubs aren't no place for him, I'm just dancing there on the weekends. And it ain't no strip club, it's a casino. I keep my clothes on. And you wouldn't want me to leave him at the apartment in Zuzu all by himself right?

Everytime her sister stopped by unannounced, with her shaggy-haired, dirty-faced, wide-eyed boy, Marnie had to weigh her going out for the weekend or giving her nephew, who always needed a bath, who scarfed down every meal, and who would always ask to stay 'one more day' at the farm when his mom would eventually show up, a place to stay. She would show up Thursday and come back on Wednesday, coked out of her mind with rolls of money from who-knows-where. Marnie surprised herself that she never bit through her tongue, and never called about the definite mistreatment of her nephew. But then again, where would he go? What if they wouldn't let her have him, an unwed woman in her late twenties? Yeah she was a blood relative. But then again…what if not? What if he went into foster care, never to be seen again?

She had hoped that someday her sister would drop Shane off and just never come back. She hoped that she would sadly forget about her only child, and Marnie could just keep him, so someone who actually wanted him could raise him. But that never happened. For some reason that woman could forget him for days or weeks, but like bad news she always came at some point.

Marnie tried to peer through the inbetweens from the door and the wall, remembering the little boy as she watched the man on the floor of what used to be the guest bedroom sobbing because he now had to deal with all the things Marnie couldn't help him with as he grew up. She wanted to blame herself, asking the what ifs.

What if I did get him taken away from them? What if I called my sister out on her bullshit more? Would it have done anything? What if I just… did something else.

"Shane?" She uttered into the darkness as she slowly creaked the door open. "Are you okay?"

Gasping breaths shallow from crying answered her. She had seen him like this before, and wanted nothing but to help. However, this was a sickness no one could sweat out for him. Slowly he gave her a nod.

"Okay well if you need to talk about anything I'm here for you," she said, standing in the doorway. Slowly she pulled the door closed and waited behind it, just hoping that in some miracle of the universe he would call out to her, let her in like when he was a little boy and didn't have this unnecessary shame. She thought back on the only time she saw him ever reach out for help: The phone call. His desperation.

"So uhh umm, I don't know how to say this but… I really need a place to stay… "

His voice was breaking.

"I can't afford where I'm at now and Jas…I can't let her live on the streets, please even if you could just take her in I'll sleep out in the barn I don't care."

"I know she was your friend daughter, but honey shes not family"

"Aunt Marnie, you don't understand. I am her family, you are her family."

She let the words settle, then replayed them in her mind.

"What do you mean I'm her family? What did you do?"