Chapter 8

Eyes hadn't mattered to him all those years ago, Let them watch, see if I care. Their gaze could be on Shane but it didn't matter because he was drunk, twenty-two, and having a good time with his best friend. The one from highschool. The one he played sports with. The one he had his tongue down the throat of. Shane's competitive streak was hot and fully engaged. He wasn't about to lose this game of Spin The Bottle with a bunch of intoxicated fellow college students. Not an intrusive thought of sadness was to be found as Shane pulled his mouth from off his friend's. That shit eating grin showed that Justin was kind of impressed. Hazy eyes waited for a kiss in return as Justin took the credit for Shane's initiative. The clapping and wooing didn't matter. He wanted his friend's sexual attention again. When Justin turned back to him, Shane stole another kiss as those pale lips curved into a smile.

Party music was blasting through the thin college campus house walls. Shane was grateful he didn't have to miss out on the experience of being able to leech onto Justin. Who had more talent than Shane at Gridball to get a free ride to the public university? Too drunk to walk, and ready to leave, Shane slurred his words and talked about the bullshit from Justin's last game.

"That ref didn't know what the FUCK they were talking about…" Shane yelled, laughing and having a great time. Justin agreed about his last game, shoulder to shoulder with Shane. Then Shane noticed it. He felt the end of the relationship between him and his best friend. He didn't know it yet, but in-between the fires of atoms he could feel a shift in his world.

She had hair like coal that shined off the drop-ceiling lights. If Justin hadn't been so struck by her presence, her fit figure, plump ass and a dress that was just a sliver too tight, Shane wouldn't have paid her much mind. But his friend, his boyfriend in some bizarre way, had turned around. He had forgotten about who was holding him up for a moment and pulled away, on the hunt. She had been a deer to a hungry, hungry wolf. Before Shane could say anything, Justin was gone like a breeze passing through his life. Both were so close to the door that if they wouldn't have done shots, they would have missed her. Funny how things like that work out.

Later, on the shitty mattress of a one-bedroom apartment, Shane watched the lights from the outside pass by, worrying about his best friend who didn't bother to come back and talk to him. No "Hey yo, I'm going to be hooking up with this chick, I'll see ya tomorrow!"Women came and went, but Shane always stayed, Shane was always the first on his friend's mind, the lips who greeted his friend home after benders, after raw dogging women he would never see again. Sometime after one in the afternoon, Justin decided to appear, still drunk out of his mind but happy. Shane only asked the most basic of questions. Ones that didn't draw attention. Ones that didn't get him in trouble.

"Ohh man, her name is Bethany…" Justin slurred, taking a beer from the fridge. Shane already hated her, that name ringing out.

Bethany…

Over and over again, jealousy hit him like bricks against his skull. They were nothing serious, he and Justin, their love was hidden behind closed doors or at an occasional party for shits and giggles. It was never an official thing. But when they decided "Why have two beds when one of us sneaks into the others every night?" Shane had started to catch feelings. But Justin couldn't commit, occasionally hooking up with women at parties, Shane tried so hard to not let it bother him. What did these women have that he didn't? What's so great about Bethany? He never got answers, even while his arms were around his friend, kissing him, telling him in whispers how much he loved how his skin felt against his,

Ohh Bethany…Ohh Shane…

There wasn't anything wrong with her. The woman was a beauty, no doubt about that. Her light-blue eyes entered the room before the rest of her, and Shane even admitted to himself at drunken points that he could see why Justin liked her. In any other scenario maybe they could have been friends, maybe he even could have learned to not hate her the way he did, but Shane only had so much affection in his life and he wasn't about to lose his first love.

While Bethany was over, Shane waited for the right time, for her to use the bathroom, or get something from the fridge, for the right moment in the movie that they all watched on the couch for her to leave. When it came, he found himself locking lips with Justin knowing full well Bethany would see it. He thought Justin would push away, but he didn't, pulling Shane closer and enjoying their embrace as his hands moved across Shane's skin as his friend's stubble scratched against his neck. Satisfied, Shane soaked in hearing her gasp of shock as he kissed Justin harder and pushed himself more onto his best friend. The revenge only lasted for a moment before Justin pushed him away, realizing he had been caught. Tears were in her eyes and Shane was grinning like a mad man. The frog in her voice spoke for her.

"Justin, we need to talk, right now…"

Shane had won that battle, and he happily left the two as he waited in his shared bedroom with his ear against the door, ready to hear Justin pick him over her.

"You told me-"

A grin so wide it could've split the skin appeared on Shane's face as he heard her crying. He questioned the evil he enacted. He knew what he did was wrong, but felt it was the only way to preserve his own happiness. No one was going to tear him from his friend, his love, and Shane would make sure of that.

"It's either me or him, you gotta make a choice!" she cried hard and loud, Justin was trying his best to calm her down.

"You, it's you!" He said just loud enough for Shane to hear. He couldn't see it, but from the muffled whimpering he knew Justin was holding Bethany. Some selfishness or subconscious thinking Shane didn't quite understand made him laugh.
Yeah right, I've been friends with him since middle school. Like he's going to pick you over me!

But he did.

Cold shoulders turned into fighting, and then it turned Justin dodging Shane's advances without a word of explanation. Drifting away, like cotton in a storm. During drunk evenings Shane would lay in bed, listening to the pattering of rain on the windows.

The tip-tappa- tip of the rain takes me to a different time...a different place.

Justin would sometimes sneak into bed with him on the twin mattress, kissing up Shane's chest and neck, all apologies, the stink of dark liquor rolling out of his mouth.

Tip-tappa-tip-tappa-tip...I'm starting to feel thirsty.

In some sort of way, she won in the end. And Shane watched and felt the romance die between him and Justin. Soon he was just a drinking buddy from highschool. Was it a smack in the face when Justin asked him to be his best man at their wedding? Or when he asked him to help them move into their cozy lakeside ranch in the good, rich neighborhood while Shane still lived in a raggedy old apartment complex? It was everything Shane wanted. What he felt he deserved. Why did she get to have it?

Bethany had never forgiven. Only it wasn't Justin she held her resentment towards. She and Shane kept their feuding to side eyes and backhanded comments, both watching the pot bubbling over, but neither wanting to stir it. And in one drunken instance she watched as Justin wrapped himself around an also drunk Shane and held him while they both danced out of rhythm to the song they had blasting at a house party. The way his hands moved over his dance partner's form had her blood boiling, he knew, Even when she was in the lead of a race, she didn't like Shane even coming in second place. No, she wanted him out of it.

Then one night, unannounced, she knocked on Shane's shitty apartment door. He looked over her short form to see where Justin might be standing in the hallway.

"No," she said, anticipating who he was looking for. "I came by myself."

"Okay…"

He let her in. She was dressed in gym wear, like this was a split-second decision, like she had taken the wrong turn on the highway and decided to visit. Only you don't visit people you hate.

"So why are you over here?" Shane asked, floating into his kitchen and pouring himself a drink. Bethany stood motionless, arms crossed her back to him, gathering herself.

"I'm tired of this tension between you and me." She said, turning around to face him, a heavy bottle of liquor in hand from her bag. "So you and I are going to get drunk and settle this like adults, because god knows Justin never will."

He had to admit it, he didn't think she would ever come to him with such a request. He had always pegged her as the forever jealous girlfriend, then eventually wife. But it turned out she was more of a man than both him and Justin combined. She sat on his old couch as Shane brought himself over along with two shot glasses.

They agreed to take a shot everytime they talked about something they didn't want too. It was going to be a long night and a horrible morning, but both agreed it was for the best. They both loved Justin and were tired of this pettiness. It was time to move on.

Shot after shot of gin, which was the only liquor which didn't upset Bethany's stomach, soon had her giggling and starting to understand her husband's best friend, and why they got along so well. The good in Shane shined when animosity didn't fog the lens, and Bethany didn't seem like the stone cold bitch when she was laughing and having a good time and not worrying about alternative motives. In another life, maybe Shane and Bethany could've been friends. They were both seeing the other side of that mirror now, alone, shooting shit and drinking, wanting to cross over into that other timeline.

Maybe it was the half of a fifth in him, but Shane couldn't read the clock, and only knew it was night outside.

"Don't you think you ssshoulddd be geetttin home?" he slurred.

She giggled and grinned. "I don't thiinkk I should be driving."

"Ohh we diiidnnn'tt have thaaaatt much…" Shane said, picking up the empty bottle of Beefeater. "Ohh fuuck… I didn't think-"

He felt the tiniest bit of vomit in the back of his throat and stopped himself. The room spun and turned in ways that made his guts churn as he tried to process all the booze in his system. He was able to stand up off the couch, catch his bearings, and stabilize. She, on the other hand, was out of it - Up in the clouds and stars, eyes glossy and barely open.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" She slurred as she laid out across the couch, the springs digging into her back. "Pleeeaaassssee?"

Without hesitation Shane had her in his arms as they stumbled into his room. In the best way he could, he laid her down on the old mattress she used to cuddle with Justin on, even on the same side she preferred back all those years ago. Too drunk to care about a change of clothes, he took the open spot next to the wall and swore before his head hit the pillow he was out.

The light of morning awoke him. His room was colder than its usual temperature, and his head was pounding. Skin brushed against his face as he went to nuzzle his pillow to try and hide from consciousness. Then he noticed the rise and fall of her exposed chest, the scent of rose petals and sandalwood, and the murmurs of Bethany in her sleep. Her voice felt like cold water entering his entire being. Never had Shane sobered up faster in his life. Her hand reached out and dragged down his bare chest.

"Justin, baby you need to shave…"

He froze, starting to now feel her exposed skin in horror. He felt her smooth calves against his thighs, saw the heart pattern she groomed her bush into, and her small perky breasts with dark nipples erect with little red patches where he must've rubbed his stubble against.

What the fuck happened…

Shane couldn't recall. He must have been blackout drunk. His head was pounding, but he could still feel the dried cum on his dick.

Shit...

He pulled the covers over her naked chest and took up residence on the free side of the bed before lightly shaking Bethany awake.

Shocked, she pulled away in the same horror as Shane, but she seemed to have a better memory of the night before, and was soon reduced to a ball of tears. He didn't know what to do. He remembered how happy he felt to get revenge on her all those years ago, and how satisfying her sadness had sounded, but now he just felt empty and dark.

Why did I do this? What's wrong with me! I'm such a piece of shit!

"I'm sorry. This is my fault, I should've slept on the couch…"

Shane tried to make her feel better, tried to lighten the blow, but the tears didn't stop and she was soon face first into a pillow unable to calm herself down. He left the room, letting her cry it out, needing his own time to process what he had done. The full impact of sleeping with his best friend's wife still wasn't hitting him like it should have. He tried to focus on the coffee maker instead of the thumping of a hangover. He didn't hear her shuffle into the kitchen, face like a raspberry, glistening streams of tears down her cheeks, from neck to toes wrapped in an old throw blanket.

"I can't get the shower warm…" she whimpered, choking on each word. " Can you help me?"

All she had to do was jiggle the handle the right way, but Shane decided she needed the help and got the shower going for her. On the floor of the small bathroom she curled up into a blanketed fortress, still unable to control her crying. He picked her up, bringing her to her feet, hysterical in misery she didn't fight back and eventually meant his gaze.

"You and me… it didn't happen," Shane said. Bethany's weeping slowly subsided.

"But…"

"It. Didn't. Happen. And if Justin or anyone questions it, we talked about some shit, got drunk and passed out. I slept on the couch, you got the bed. Deal? You won't be lying. We talked, right? We got drunk, right? This stays between you and me?"

She agreed with only a nod. The pain was still seeping from her soul as she mumbled her sorrys into Shane's chest, collapsing into him, needing to just let it out. Weeks went by, and they stuck to their story. Justin was at first confused about why the two people whom he loved dearly but never managed to say more than a handful of mean words between each other were now getting along. He had his suspicions, but then again, why would his wife he trusted and his best friend he trusted even more lie to him? Many reasons, but why let paranoia take hold of a happy life?

A few months passed and the happy couple announced they were expecting. Shane had never been a great actor. He sipped on his beer, trying to not let the blood drain from the vessels in his face as he stood in Justin's kitchen being told the good news.

"I'm so fucking happy man. I never thought I'd have kids of my own, you know?" Justin's words still sting him to this day. Kids of his own…

It had been too long, there was no way…

They both seemed so happy for the revelation. Who was he to ask, let alone bring up one of the worst mistakes he had ever made? But one late spring day, she had phoned him while Justin was at work. Anxiety was beginning to blossom within Shane's nerves.

I just need to talk to you…

But the 'about what' was never answered over the phone - only the urgency for his presence before her husband would get off work. Shane knew but didn't want to accept it. She hadn't said it, so maybe it was something else. Maybe Justin had found out and forgave them both. Anything but what he thought it was.

The early afternoon sun was too bright for his eyes. The familiar smell of lake water reminded him of their humble abode. Shane checked the door. It was unlocked. He could see Bethany cutting up peppers in the kitchen. It seemed like she hadn't heard him. From the doorway Shane announced himself, not wanting to startle the Incredibly pregnant woman who was wielding a knife. However, Bethany still jumped at his voice, dropping the blade in the process. A smile of relief spread wide across her.

"Ohh my god Shane, you scared the hell out of me!" she laughed.

After cheating and agreeing to keep it from her husband, Bethany had become increasingly more jumpy over the course of a year, frightened at the smallest instance of anything that could startle her. Justin blamed it on her changing hormones. Shane apologized for the scare, but then asked the piercing question that has been on his mind the entire day and the night before.

"So what did you need to tell me?"

He could see her preparing herself. The blood rushed from his extremities to the core of his being. He knew it was something, and something bad. She offered him somewhere to sit, that he would be better without the risk of falling.

"No, just tell me, I'll be fine."

Bethany took a deep breath and leaned herself against the counter,

"I don't know how to say this, but this is your baby."

The words like an echo, crisper and clearer with each time his mind repeated it. He drew his hands into his face like he was trying to wipe away the disbelief.

"How? You didn't get pregnant until like a month after we had sex."

"I lied." She spoke matter of factly, "Justin's going to think this baby is coming early, but no the due date lines up perfectly with-" She paused. "What had happened."

The room spun over and over again, Shane had never felt such a sensation when he was sober. Dread filled him. It was one thing for the two of them to bury the past when there was no evidence of it, but this? Justin's happy words about his wife's pregnancy, about being a dad, had Shane falling to the ground as he was overwrought with guilt. He came back to the world in seconds as Bethany's worried cries kept him from blacking out.

"Are you okay? I knew I should've had you sit down…"

"I'm fine..." Shane tried to reassure her, bringing himself back to his feet and leaning on the fridge for safety. "So you're for sure that it's mine," he asked. She answered him with a nod.

"So what do you want to do?"

"Nothing."

Shane was infuriated. It didn't matter that she was following the plan. At that moment Shane could only feel anger. Not telling your partner that you got black-out drunk and cheated on them was despicable enough. But this was a betrayal he hadn't planned for. She was taking something from him she could never give back. She could see the shock on Shane's face.

"What can we do? This isn't going to be my first child, and what happened between you and me will never happen again, Shane…" She grabbed his hand and pleaded to understand. "If we tell him, he'll leave me, and it'll be you and me trying to raise this baby with absolutely no money, parents that aren't even attracted to each other…"

She tried to gather herself.

"Shane, he loves this baby more than anything, please he'll give them a great life, a stable home, a mom and dad who love each other."

"But that's my kid…"

"And if you feel that way, wouldn't you want them to have the life you couldn't have?"

Bethany brought up points he didn't want to think about. She begged, unable to get on her knees as her womb was so swollen the idea she might not be able to get back up was a very real possibility.

"I promise you'll be able to see them as much as you want if you want too, you can even be there when they're born, just please think of what's best for this baby."

He drove down the highway screaming in a white rage, hitting the steering wheel and going well past the speed limit. Shane couldn't believe himself. He had agreed to let Justin keep believing this child was his. Like a cuckoo bird, he would go on for the rest of his life thinking he had a biological child when in actuality he had two people whom he trusted for years betray him. If it wasn't for Bethany's truths, the fact that Shane never wanted to put another person through the struggle he experienced as a child, he would've spilled his guts if he knew no harm would come to his unborn child. But Bethany was right. Why strip this child of a loving family? A stable life, with a mom who didn't need to work two jobs and a dad that actually wanted them? A place where the roof didn't leak, and where food was plentiful? The decision wasn't something he wanted to make, and yet again there he was causing a rift between the people he loved.

Jas was born during the beginning of the summer heat, a head full of dark hair and almost indistinguishable from the other squealing newborns. Bethany had kept her promise and let Shane hold his baby, her tiny fingers red and able to curl so sweet around half of one of his, Justin hovering over Shane, telling him in whispers about how he helped make that.

Years went by and Shane got to watch his daughter grow up from a distance, knowing he made the right choice to keep his mouth shut, that she was better off in this scenario rather than the one where he was selfish. Watching as Jas learned to crawl, then talk, and walk, then run towards him screaming that Uncle Shane was here whenever he would come over. Her hugs were tight and nothing but love. He didn't have much in his life. As Justin was promoted, Shane stayed at his dead-end job making just enough to survive, unable to remove himself from the cycle of poverty he was born into.

At least Jas won't be stuck like me…

In a way the best thing Shane had ever done was give Bethany and Justin their only child. They had tried over and over to make magic happen again but it never worked. Jas would be an only child, her dad was upset that he would never get a little boy to teach sports to or do father and son things, but he was happy to have his daughter, content with tea parties and makeovers. Everytime Shane visited them it reinforced the idea in his mind he had made the right choice.

Eight years later had him older and not much wiser. It turned his body soft and youth into milk in the sun. After a particularly long night at work, Shane came home to his apartment. Nothing was out of place, but he could feel electricity in the air like he was waiting for the bomb to drop. As put his stuff down and tore off his work uniform, the phone rang. Her voice was frantic trying its best to put sounds into words. He could hear Justin breaking shit on the other side of the line.

"He knows Shane! You need to get out of your apartment-" her words were cut off by the phone being yanked from her grasp.

"I'm gonna fucking kill you motherfucker!" His best friend repeated over and over, anger seeping down more and more into each syllable. "Eight years of my fucking life! Eight fucking years! You were never going to tell me were you?"

Justin's voice was breaking. Shane was able to hear his hand going through the drywall as Bethany screamed.

"Sure this fucking slut lied to me…but you!? I loved you! You were a brother to me! You and me…I thought-"

The phone dropped and he could hear Justin pulling Bethany up, panic in every breath.

I'm gonna fucking kill that motherfucker...

I'm gonna fucking kill him!

Shane dropped the phone and at some point began to hear the dial tone, but he couldn't move to pick it up. He was paralyzed in terror, waiting for Justin to knock down his door and follow through with his threats. Every creak and groan of the walls and pipes had Shane's skin jumping off his muscles, not to mention when he would hear footsteps coming down the hallway, or voices of neighbors having a casual night. He just needed a little drink, something to forget what was happening.

Try to forget, try to forget...

His shaky hand held onto a pint glass of booze as he waited in the dark for death to come to his door.

Only Justin never came. Midnight turned into one in the morning, two, three… then.

BANG BANG BANG!

"Police, open up!" the commanding boast from behind his door demanded.

They had died.

That was it. Justin had been driving recklessly with Bethany in the car. He had run off the road. The medical examiner said both of their deaths were instantaneous. They didn't feel a thing.

How would you know?

At the police station Shane tried not to shake at the news, and even tried to keep his voice steady when the cops asked him questions about the couple.

"So it looks like the couple had a...daughter," the officer stated. "You're listed as her next of kin. Is that correct?"

"I'm her godfather…"

"Seems like the family had no other immediate relatives living… that makes you her guardian now."

What had he done? If he would've just told Justin what had happened, not try to hide the truth…

Shane didn't sleep for days. Instead he hit the bottle and tried to make sense of everything that had happened. His best friend, his lover for years, died because Shane had slept with his wife. The mother of his child is gone because of a drunken mistake they tried to keep secret. He came back to reality only long enough to notice Jas shaking his arm trying to get his attention. Her eyes were worried. Scared.

"Uncle Shane, when's my mom and dad gonna come to pick me up? I miss them!"

She repeated over and over in different ways, but Shane hadn't processed it himself, so how was he going to tell her? Booze took him out of the situation. It mellowed the questions he wouldn't answer and dulled the immense guilt building up inside him.

Until he couldn't hide anymore. He knew Jas had an Independent streak, and found her packing up her belongings.

"I want to go home, Uncle Shane," She said with determination. "And if you don't take me home I'm going to take myself home!"

She must've gotten that from her mother. She had the same need to fix things herself. He couldn't put it off anymore. He scooped Jas up and put her on the old couch, the same one he'd had all these years. She fought him every step,

"We need to talk about something," Shane said. she stopped fussing, seeing her uncle's gaze trying to keep her away from his red, glossy eyes. He didn't remember hearing the words, but he knew he said them, catching the faces of grief flash across the shocked eight-year-old. He knew she knew the answers to her questions.

What do you mean? But my mom tucked me into bed that night? I saw her and daddy… You're lying!

The rest of the night they both cried on the couch, holding onto each other. He wouldn't let go, knowing she hurt just as much as him. He told her over and over again how sorry he was, that he wished he wasn't born under a bad star. In his mind this was all his fault, that even the promise that he wouldn't bring Jas down with him into the cycle of sadness that seemed to follow him backfired. Like he was cursed. No one escaped.

As months went by, what little bit of money he had drained like water in the sun. He only had a month left before he would out of his apartment with no place to stay. He could live with being homeless, but Jas? No. It wasn't her fault he was a fuck up.