Chapter 9

Nights passed of Shane being alone, the sensation familiar, but so uncomforting. No blankets held him in the same way Mars could keep him warm with words. Night after night he spent tossing and turning. The heat was too much but he wanted to feel the softness of the fabric, for it to hold him in the dead of night and caress his sad, still living corpse. The darkness ate up the details of the ceiling and he tried to count the wood above. How many strips made the collective that had been staring down on him? His pain synthesized into words.

No one will ever love you again.

You don't deserve it.

You're a loser just like everyone said you'd be.

Every morning after blowing up at Mars, Shane awoke drunk a few hours after passing out. It wasn't like this was new, but the hangovers just seemed to take just that little bit more out of him. There was nothing to look forward to, no friend to visit him after work. His look that could kill that he wore warned everyone in town not to speak to him, even in passing. Again and again it was his own damn fault. Wednesday night saw Shane going back to his usual routine, his head against the semi-sticky bar countertop, unable to get drunk, arms crossed shielding him from the artificial lights. Emily, who wasn't busy, went to refresh his pint only to find it halfway gone. Shane looked up, that mopy grimace worse than usual.

"Hey what's going on? You've barely touched your beer…" Emily said without thinking. "Do you need some water, are you cutting back?"

Shane only grunted at her before taking a drink. The act of lifting his head up seemed so strenuous.

"What's wrong?" She pushed. Another groan, but Shane knew he wasn't going to get away with it.

"Mars is mad at me…" He confessed. "And I deserve it."

Emily put her hand on his forearm as Shane reshielded himself.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No," he muttered through his jacket, nudging Emily away. "I'm such a fucking idiot, Why am I so stupid?"

"Why don't you go and apologize to him?"

"Wow, Emily I didn't think of that. Then maybe later I'll just try to not be sad or anxious about stuff."

Eyes peaked from above his blue sleeve, that look of I'm trying to help you motherfucker.

"Sorry."

"What's keeping you from talking to him about it?" Emily was quick to forgive, and continued to assist her cranky friend with finding a solution.

" I don't know…" Shane said, removing himself from his hideaway and taking another sip of his beer. " I just feel like a real asshole and I'm scared to go and talk to him I guess."

"Well, what's the worst that could happen?"

"He hates me...forever."

Emily took his arm and looked him in the eye. "Do you trust me?" she asked, a subtle nod responded.

"I've met Mars. I've talked to Mars. I'm not as close to him as you, but I know how you let your anxiety get out of control. If you say you're sorry I bet he'll forgive you and not hate you forever. I don't think he hates you now."

His dark eyes lifted up, taking her words with more than salt. Her pep-talk turned his aura from blue to a light orange.

"You really think so?"

THURSDAY

He talked to himself up at the ceiling up his room, repeating over and over again He's not going to hate you. Emily is right, just apologize. But the words he wanted to use had him tongue tied.

Just say, 'Mars I'm sorry', not that hard.

The more he thought about facing his friend, the more Shane freaked himself out, screaming into his pillow with worry. A quick beer later and he was running off to work, deep in his thoughts. He hoped to catch Mars outside Perrie's as he waited for it to open.

Turning the corner at Emily's home, he felt his heart jump out of his chest. He was so close, only a few feet away from being able to see if he would cross paths with Mars. He could hear the thumping in his ears as he passed the unlit streetlight. And there he was, standing in his large hat, trying to stay out of the sun, leaning against the bulletin board, seemingly half awake. Shane propped himself up against the metal post, getting himself ready and fighting off the butterflies that fluttered up through his guts every time he thought he had the confidence.

I'm sorry Mars...That's all you have to say…

But those eyes...they melt me…

Eye contact had Shane turning shades of hot reds, and he found himself unable to come face to face with the cause of it. With his gaze to the ground, he couldn't even look up to confront Mars as he walked by, but he knew what he would see if he did. It would be disappointment, hurt, and everything else Shane caused people. He kept his sight on the cobblestone, walking fast, not making a peep.

As his work day went on, all Shane could do while stocking shelves of uselessness, was scream internally. Why am I like this? Why am I like this!? He jumped out his skin every time someone passed by, or every time Sam had the audacity to ask him if they had more of something in the back for a customer. No, we never have anything in the back ever, even when we do. Go away. Maybe that was his problem. No, that was his problem - His attitude towards people. But why stop now?

Because I've had a taste of what it's like to have friends again, and I'm tired of everyone waiting for me to snap at them…

Staring up at the ceiling again, Shane tried to prepare himself for the next time he would see Mars, trying to not have his legs turn to jelly when their eyes would meet. I just need to man up and talk to him…but it's not that easy….

Why is this so hard!?

He thought back on how forgiving Mars was at the Luau, or when Shane tried to hide his feelings when he had been confronted about them. Emily was again in his ears.

I don't think he hates you.

FRIDAY

In the mirror of the bathroom at the JojaMart, Shane gave himself a pep talk.

"After you punch out you're going to the bar, getting shit-faced DRUNK, going up to Mars if he's at the saloon tonight and saying 'Mars I'm sorry.' No more shitting around! Repeat after me: 'Mars, I'm sorry.'"

Round after round of practice did not have him feeling like he was getting any better. When Sam entered, his head was so down in defeat he didn't hear him come in.

"Sounds like you need someone to keep you from chickening out!" Sam said, finger gunning to an even more distressed Shane.

"Why the hell are you even here? It's Friday…"

"When did Morris die and make you manager?" Sam joked. "But seriously, do you want my help or what?"

The urge to tell Sam to fuck off, leave him alone, and to go and mind his own business was practically drooling from Shane's mouth. But he couldn't. The words wouldn't come. After all, hadn't being an asshole been the thing which got him into this mess?

"Hey, look, I know how it can be. Sometimes you get into it with a friend and they can be a little...unapproachable. Believe me, Sebastian isn't exactly all that welcoming when he's mad at you."

In all honesty, Shane didn't want the help, but it was reassuring that Mars only seemed like a friend to the general population and not what Shane dreaded.

Don't be an asshole, don't be an asshole…

"Alright," Shane said, accepting Sam's assistance with an eye roll. "Just don't do anything to screw this up for me."

With that the young man gave a salute before turning back around, leaving Shane to contemplate what he had just agreed to.

Damn, that kids going to fuck this up for me, why do I gotta be so nice?

The bar was packed like usual with familiar faces that didn't know his drama or what his goal was to do tonight. In a blink Emily had another pint glass with foamy hops like dish soap coming up and out from the top of the glassware. Shane watched her try to keep up with her customers, although it was mostly Pam who seemed extra wound up. However, it wasn't just Pam. It was like the air had become electric. Everyone's moods were a little bit more upbeat than what the room normally read. But then the twangy ragtag song that Shane had heard a million times in the bar seemed to fade out of reality, along with time and everyone else.

Shane didn't even have to see his form to know Mars had entered the bar, he could feel the energy roll off the man. However, he didn't think he could ever mistake that gray and black hair for anyone else, or how Mars seemingly floated into a room. Shane felt his knees want to collapse and take the rest of his body with them; but before they could a hand on his shoulder was bringing him back to reality. He turned to see Sam smiling back at him.

"Want me to bring him over here?" Sam offered. Shane couldn't speak, too paralyzed by panic, and downed most of his drink while answering "no" with a head shake.

"Well, you're going to talk to him tonight, eventually. Remember, I'm not letting you chicken out!" Sam said before calling over Emily. Shane downed the rest of his drink and ordered another, one for himself and one for Mars to break the ice.

From the other side of the bar Shane watched as Emily delivered the peace offering. He watched in slow motion as Emily handed Mars the pint, as his eyes shifted up and somehow into Shane's for a split second, only to break the contact and look back at Emily accepting the offer and take a sip. The beer helped with the knee buckling anxiety but his mouth still didn't want to form words. Dry all the way down his esophagus, even with all the beer, Shane knew he was sweating, and not just, 'Oh fuck Morris knows I've been drinking', or 'It's ninty degrees out and I'm wearing a long sleeve sweater and sweat pants.' No, it was the kind where he couldn't control it. He was swimming in his own juices like one of Aunt Marnie's pigs in the sun. How would Mars ever want anything to do with him? How could anyone want someone who turned themselves into a sideshow? Sam visited him again, this time arm around his shoulders. The kid was lucky Shane had more important things to be uncomfortable with.

"Talk to him yet?"

"No…" Shane spoke with a pang of irritation, taking a sip of his beer.

"Well you got…" Sam looked at the clock, " Another half hour before I make you."

How had three and half hours passed with Shane still being unable to break from his spot? He glanced over. Mars was still in the same seat, and his eyes were fluttering up throughout the night, seemingly checking out his surroundings. Must've been a boring night if that's all the social butterfly had done. Shane tried to convince himself to do something by reminding himself of the impending time-crunch.

Sam said he's not going to let you chicken out…but what's he gonna even do?

But Shane didn't try to focus on that part. Either he did what he had to do now, or he waited for someone else to do it for him. No, this is the shit that would get him in trouble: Waiting for others to do stuff for him, to fix his mistakes. No. he fucked up, and he was going to make it right. What number drink was he on again? As Emily passed by, Shane asked for a shot, one last bit of booze before he went over and embarrassed himself. She poured him the straight liquor and slid the clear contents over to him.

"I'm gonna do it, I'm going to go and apologize," Shane said, eyes to the countertop, shot glass raised. Emily beamed like the sun. The vodka burned going down. Shane was never ready for his thoat to become lit by the proof or feel like he was coughing up flames after he swallowed the shit. With a firm slam of the glass onto the hardwood, he looked up. With his eyes the slightest bit watery, he found the little bit of confidence he needed.

He knew he swayed when he walked over to Mars. He knew he must've smelled like sweat and cheap beer. The lingering musk of vodka would probably roll off his breath when he went to speak, but that didn't matter. He was going to tell his friend he was sorry, and even if this was the way he had to do it, it didn't matter because it was progress.

"Hey…" Shane muttered just loud enough to get Mars' attention.

Those eyes… No you're not going to melt me this time.

Shane took a seat next to him. Mars seemed to be waiting for the next words out of his mouth. However, he stuttered, not realizing how sober he still was until he tried to get words to come out.

"So…uumm….uhh…"

"I'm not mad at you," Mars answered his inner thoughts. " Just kind of hurt."

Some weight relieved itself from Shane. "Yeah, I...I get that… You have every right to be, I was being a drunken asshole to you," He caught himself rambling and stopped the insanity before it got too far. "I'm sorry, I let the things that bug me and stuff I should deal with on my own eat me up and I took it out on you when I shouldn't have."

Mars' took his shaking hand as their eyes stared into each other's.

"You don't have to deal with things on your own though…" Mars said pulling his hand out of Shane's, but locking pinkies. Shane felt that coldness he had longed to feel again. "I'm your friend. I want to be there for you if you need it. You don't have to do things alone."

With a smile and blushed cheeks, Shane turned to the ground as he pulled his hand away, only for his smile to disappear for a moment.

"So are you still mad at me?"

"I said I wasn't mad," Mars answered him, finishing off his drink. "But nah, we're cool," he added. Shane weaved his fingers through his hair, the hotness of his skin letting him know how red he must've turned, the burden he had been carrying for the last week finally lifted.

"So, your place this Sunday?"

"Actually, I wanted to know if you wanted to skip out of here." Shane asked, pulling Emily's attention to pay his tab.

Once Shane could talk he couldn't stop himself. He was a mess of words and apologies to Mars as they strolled to Marnie's ranch as the evening stillness let Shane feel comfortable in the amount of words he had to say. Mars let him express his anxiety, wanting Shane to get it out of his system, knowing he only did it because he knew how awful Shane had felt.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Mars said, after hearing Shane berate himself one too many times. "You're a human being and everyone makes mistakes."

That kindness warmed him and followed Shane the rest of the way home. How he had missed the ray of light that was Mars in his life, the happiness he brought to him, and how he seemed to just eat away the never ending sadness Shane's mind seemed to produce. Those eyes that melted him, that smile that turned his thoughts into vapor...how could someone always so cold to the touch be so comforting?

Marnie wouldn't be home for a few more hours, and Jas was fast asleep in her room. Shane had the privacy he needed for what he was planning. When he returned to his quarters he found Mars in his usual spot, greeting Shane with a grin, the low light seeming to make him more ethereal.

"So what game do you need me to kick your ass in?"

"Actually I didn't want to play video games…" Shane answered as he sat beside Mars, a puzzled look sweeping his expression.

"Well what did you want to do then?"

You. The answer is always you.

Shane again found his tongue not wanting to work, and with that the rest of him seemed to want to collapse, but he couldn't let that happen. He'd come so far. Mars repeated himself, but Shane couldn't hear it the second time around. The only language he could use or understand was his body and shaky limbs. He took Mars' cold hand into his.

The air around them galvanized as Shane brought his hand up towards Mars' shoulder then onto his ribs, leaning in, his other hand resting on Mars' hip. Shane couldn't look though as he froze trying to collect himself, trying to work up the rest of the courage he needed. Every second he didn't move added to the neverending need for more time. Mars noticed and pulled him into a hug, his coldness reminding Shane he wasn't in a dream, and that what was happening was real. They were face-to-face now on the floor, arms tangled around each other, Shane unable to escape those eyes and in that moment he started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"I'm so nervous and stupid."

"You're not stupid," Mars muttered, running his fingers through Shane's hair and pushing it out of his face. "I don't mind this at all."

"Why do you like me?" Shane asked, nuzzling his face in the crook of Mars shoulder. "What is there to even like about me?"

Mars held him harder, "I like you because of the way you make me feel. Because I like being around you. You can be funny and weird but in a good way…and..." Mars paused, collecting his thoughts. "I've wanted to kiss and hold you since I met you because I think you're wonderful."

Shane nestled again, the roughness of his stubble rubbing against Mars' cheek as his grin widened. "I know you don't believe me, but you're really something special."

All the nervousness he held onto faded into nothing, and Shane found himself pressing his lips against Mars'. They were so soft and cold. It wasn't how he thought it would feel. It was better. The first turned into a second longer and more relaxed embrace, over and over again until he lost count. For a moment Shane had forgotten what sorrow felt like and enjoyed Mars kissing him back, touching him, the notion that he could be loved again.

They laid on the floor holding and kissing each other until dawn, each time Mars gave a half attempt to leave Shane pulling him back in craving his body to hold. "No, I seriously have to go…" Mars tried to say only to be cut off by Shane caressing him.

"Just a little bit longer, please," he begged.

"Shane, it's 4 AM."

"I know, I'm sorry," he said, gripping Mars tighter. "I just don't want this to be a joke, or a dream, or…" His anxiety started to creep back. "Yeah you should go, Marnie's going to get up soon and I gotta help her with the animals."

"You need to sleep," Mars said. "And I'll be back again, I'm not going anywhere."

Shane pulled him in with another hug.

"This has to stay between you and me," Shane muttered, the words hurting as he said them. Mars didn't know what to say, and he didn't want to debate Shane on the 'whys' when he already knew the answers. Mars melted.

"Alright."