Around five o' clock was when Jane found herself over at Maura's house, helping her mother with dinner.
"So did you have a good day at work sweetie?" Angela asked as she started the casserole.
"It was just an ordinary day, nothing special. How about yours?"
Angela stopped and smiled at her daughter, "You usually never ask about my day, it was alright, no complaints here. Spent time with Bass."
"Ma, you're turning into those ladies who spends time with a pet over humans."
"That tends to happen when everyone is so busy all of the time. I'm just a woman trying to make it through the last of her 50's. If things go how they are going for you though, you might be joining me."
"How things are going for me?" Jane raised her brow.
"Yes I mean, you almost had a husband, had a family, now you're unattached and I can see it's hurting you. You haven't been the same since you lost your baby... since you lost Frost."
Jane sighed, "Yeah, thanks for reminding me," she rolled her eyes.
"I think you need to see a therapist."
"Ma, come on. I don't need to talk to a stranger. I just need to keep going on with my life."
"Without coping? Jane, that's not healthy, you must realize that at some point. Maura told me how your apartment was a disaster, how she had to help clean it because of how worried she was that you are... depressed."
"Is this why you wanted to spend time with me? Are you trying to tick me off? I'm not depressed Ma! I'm just trying to get by alright, so can we please drop it, or I'm going home."
"Fine but don't say I wasn't concerned about your well being."
"Well join the club everyone is so concerned when they should just mind their business. And Maura really needs to stop with this involving everyone when I'm dealing with things my own way."
"She cares about you Jane."
"She needs to stop caring so damn much," Jane gave her head a shake. "It's driving me crazy people really need to worry about themselves. So can we please..."
Angela sighed, "Okay Jane, okay. I didn't mean to get you so worked up, but there might be a problem I just hope one day you'll just open up or you're going to end up losing a lot more than you have already."
"Yeah Ma, thanks for the advice and the boost of confidence," Jane sighed before continuing to help her mother cook dinner in silence.
An hour had passed by when Maura arrived home and dinner was in the oven. Maura smiled at the sight of Angela and Jane, not realizing the current tension in the room.
"It smells great in here."
"Thanks Maura, it's just finishing up and should be done soon," Angela smiled, giving her daughter a nudge.
"Yeah, why don't you go take a bath or something and I'm sure it'll be done the time you get down here," Jane offered with a shrug.
"You know, a bath sounds like a great idea Jane, it's really relaxing. When's the last time you took a nice relaxing bath Jane?"
"Well I don't take baths actually, I'm more of a shower kind of gal." Jane shrugged and Maura just nodded.
"It does help relieve tension though."
"Well I don't have any tension, but thanks."
"If you say so Jane, you don't know what you're missing," Maura smiled warmly before heading upstairs.
"See Ma, everyone is too concerned about my well being."
"She just suggested you take a bath to relax, I'm not getting involved, but she's right, you know. Even I find comfort when I take a bath. You should try it sometime."
"And how exactly is this not getting involved?" Jane asked.
"Say no more. Just try not to give your loved ones a hard time for trying to check up on you, I know it's a hard thing for you to do, but people can always work on themselves."
"I know Ma," Jane rested a hand on her mother's shoulder. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course Jane. You can always ask me anything."
"Are you happy, with everything going on? I mean I didn't like it but you seemed to have a smile on your face all of the time when you were dating Cavanaugh. Do you often find yourself feeling lonely, like you can be surrounded by people but still feel alone?"
Angela nodded, "Sometimes I guess, but I have a great family and I'm very grateful Maura let's me stay here. Why do you ask?"
Jane sighed, "No reason, just making sure that you're fine. I observed that you were very happy to see Korsak today, moreso than you usually are."
"Now you're just making stuff up Janie. I'm always happy to see Vince."
"Doesn't it hurt knowing someone you like has someone else?"
"Probably not as bad as how you got when Maura was dating Jack. Is there something you need to tell me?" Angela looked her daughter up and down.
"What Ma? Of course not, I'm asking about you, this has nothing to do with me."
"No it doesn't hurt because you know Vince is happy and why should I get in the way of that?"
Jane sighed at her mother's words, "You know Ma, maybe that's my problem. Maybe I ruined Maura's chance at happiness with Jack because I was afraid of losing my best friend."
"You're going through a stage of guilt, I think Jane. Maura was happy and now you feel that maybe she's not so happy anymore. That's what bothering you, isn't it? I don't think you need to worry about that Jane, she seems pretty alright to me moreso than I thought she would after a break up. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise. All I ever wanted from you is to be happy."
"Yeah, but you also wanted me to give up my job on several occasions."
"That's just because you kept on getting hurt, I try to worry less, because let's face it you're not my little girl anymore as much as I'd like to keep thinking," Angela patted her daughter's back.
"You really think she's happy Ma?"
"Is that what you've been so worried about?"
"I guess to an extent I just don't want Maura to end up regretting things in her life."
"I don't think Maura would ever regret having you in her life, sweetheart," Angela smiled warmly at Jane. "Trust me on this."
Jane nodded and then the oven went off and she went to go check the casserole. "Looks all ready to go Ma." She put on the oven mitt and placed it on the counter. "We did pretty good."
"Yeah we really did, I hope that you and Maura enjoy yourselves," Angela stated causing Jane to turn staring at her mother in confusion.
"What are you talking about Ma aren't you staying for dinner? Wasn't that the whole point of this mother daughter bonding thing?"
"Like I said sweetheart, I just want you to be happy, and I wasn't born yesterday. You ever stop to think and wonder why you and Maura's relationships never last?"
"Because guys suck?"
"No because absolutely anyone can tell you and Maura have this connection stronger than friendship. No guy wants to compete with a girlfriend's best friend."
"And what happens if this doesn't work out and I lost my best friend anyways? What would I do if I lost Maura."
"Well sweetie, I hope that none of us will ever have to find out."
"I don't think I can chance that Ma, the last thing I want is even the slightest chance of losing Maura. I don't want to lose her at all."
"Jane..." Angela started, she knew what Jane was getting at.
"No Ma, I can't be anything more than friends with Maura... I'd rather only have her as a friend than lose her if the relationship doesn't work."
"Jane, are you sure you're thinking this through clearly?"
"Yeah Ma, can't make things worse in the end if things don't change at all. You're right though, Maura and I should have this dinner alone. I need to talk to her without you reacting like you are now."
"I just hope that you're making the right decision Jane, whatever you think will make you happiest."
"Thanks for understanding. I'll see you later Ma, yeah?"
Angela nodded, "Okay I'll go just... think this all the way through first." She told her daughter before leaving out the door to go to the guest house.
Jane sighed, going to set the plates. "I hope that I'm making the right decision." She went to grab the wine, pouring a glass for Maura and opening a bottle of beer for herself. She heard Maura's footsteps coming down the stairs. Jane turned to look at her, Maura was absolutely breathtaking.
"Where's Angela?" Maura asked, noticing Jane alone in the house.
"Apparently we were making dinner, for you and I," Jane shrugged. "I didn't know until a few minutes ago, I poured you a glass of wine."
"Thanks, the casserole looks amazing."
"Yeah, surprised I didn't end up messing it up. So how was the rest of your work day?" Jane asked she didn't know how to begin the more serious talk at the moment.
"It was pretty peaceful, but I mean I work with the dead, so it's usually that way."
"That's good, that it can be peaceful for you. My brain has been all over the place honestly and I think it's finally settled down a bit."
The two girls down and ate their dinner in peace, Maura kept on glancing at Jane, trying to get a read on her facial features seeing if the woman looked even remotely relaxed, she didn't.
"Has it settled down now? You seem a little side tracked." She nodded down to Jane's fork that was playing with the casserole.
"What?" Jane glanced up. "Me yeah, my mind... totally at ease."
"I can tell when you're lying Jane. What's the matter?"
"I'm conflicted Maura... I look at you and I feel safe, I feel like nothing can go wrong, then there's my brain it keeps on giving me these scenarios that honestly scares the hell out of me... like this fight or flight kind of BS."
Maura nodded her head in understanding. "What kind of scenarios?"
"All types honestly, and it all ends the same, me losing you. I don't want that to happen, I don't even want to chance that. When I'm around you though I don't want to stop being around, I just... I don't ever want to lose our friendship and that means..." Jane put her fork down. "I care so much about you Maura, please understand that. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, or lose you. That's why... I don't want things to change between us. I don't think things should change."
Maura listened to Jane's words and she frowned, "Oh... you don't think we should..."
"Change our friendship status to more than friends," Jane finished the sentence for her. "There's nothing I have against it I just... I don't want us to end up breaking up or have something happen that we end up losing each other completely. I rather have you as just a best friend than not at all."
"I see, I don't want to lose you either Jane, you're the most important person in my life. I have the same fear, the fear of losing you, losing us. But do we really want to give up maybe being even happier if we became more?"
Jane shrugged, "All I know is you mean more to me than anything."
"I don't think anything will change Jane, we'll still be best friends and we'd just be doing more things together. The only thing that will change is us being with each other doing things couples do. I mean the only thing that will be different is showing how much we mean to each other. If you want to just go back to normal then we can do that, I guess."
"It'll help me not having these doubts all the time. I'm really sorry Maura."
"Don't be sorry Jane, you don't like change, there's a lot of people who don't."
"And you're not mad?"
"Disappointed yes, but I can't be mad at you just because you have these doubts. I just wish you didn't have them, that's all. You're still the greatest friend I've ever had. We should finish eating before our dinner gets cold."
Jane nodded, looking down at her plate, why did she have this constant fear she was going to end up losing her friendship with Maura no matter what was decided. She absolutely hated it.
Jane is so full of doubts and insecurities it's killing me guys, so much angst going around, much different than my lighthearted stories that's for sure. I still hope it's an okay story, I have my doubts but I'm sure they'll go away faster than Jane's. Tell me your thoughts, they're much needed.