Chapter Eleven: Decisions

I grunted awake as I heard the door click open, and my eyes flickered open as I looked over to see Pops and Sanae enter my room…followed by Ushio. "Good morning, Tomoya," Sanae greeted.

A quick glance at the clock told me she'd be right for a few more minutes. "Good morning Sanae-san, Pops," I returned. I then allowed my gaze to settle on my daughter. "Good morning, sweetie."

"G-Good m-morning," she greeted as her grandparents moved to my bedside; she, however, remained near the door. "How…How are you feeling?"

"A little woozy, but I just woke up," I told her. "Otherwise, I feel fine."

"Have they lowered your pain medication any further?" Sanae asked as she played with my hair, apparently trying to fix it.

"Not as far as I know," I replied. "I'm down to about a third of what they were giving me when I first came in, though."

"That's good."

"So, how much longer you going to be in here, brat?" Pops asked.

I was about to tell them that I didn't know until it hit me: "Hey, I'd like to know what you think about something."

"What is it?" Sanae asked as I saw Ushio slowly approaching.

I took a deep breath and gave myself a moment to remember my conversation with the doctors. "They want to try some new procedure on me; they think it might help heal my shoulder."

"Really?" she gasped. "That would be wonderful!"

"How's that supposed to work?" Pops asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I guess they freeze the damaged tissue and then somehow make my body make more to replace it."

"'I guess'?"

"That's my best understanding," I admitted. "My doctor told me that I wouldn't understand all the details… Which would make sense since it's experimental." I looked up at my in-laws with my best 'Well?' expression. "What do you think?"

Sanae's eyes lost focus as she appeared to ponder my question. "Well…I'd feel a lot better about it if I knew more about it."

"Sorry," I said. "I've told you everything I understood."

"Don't worry, brat," Pops wheezed. "We don't expect you to understand much."

"Akio-san!" Sanae scolded. "Please wait until he's out of the hospital!"

"Sorry," he grunted. "Force of habit."

"I'm not sure what to say," Sanae admitted. "After all, I am not the one who would have to live with the consequences of your decision, so I'm uncomfortable giving my opinion."

"I understand," I told her. "I'm not asking you to decide for me; I just want to know if you can think of anything I might be missing in the process."

"Well…" she said thoughtfully, "I guess it would depend on whether you're willing to risk losing the use of your arm. It's your dominant one, right?"

"Right."

"On the one hand, you have partial mobility…but, on the other, you have a chance to have complete mobility along with a chance of having no mobility." She shrugged with a small smile. "I guess it would depend on how much of a gambler you are."

"None," I said. "I was a good smoker and drinker for about five years, though. " I winced as I saw Ushio flinch at my statement, and I realized that it may have hurt her.

"Shio-chan," Pops said as he turned to his granddaughter, "what do you think?"

My poor little girl stood there with a deer-in-the-headlights expression. Then her eyes settled on me. "I…I'd like Daddy to have his arm back. I'd like him to be able to reach up like he should be able to."

"But what if he lost the use of his arm?" Sanae asked carefully.

Ushio swallowed hard. "I'd…want to take care of him, of course."

Her words warmed and chilled my heart at the same time; warmed due to her care for me, chilled due to the way she had tried to take care of me a few mornings prior.

"I mean, he's my dad, and I love him, and I'd hate for him to be alone and unable to take care of himself," she added.

"Eh, he'd just have to get used to using his left arm," Pops said.

"That's…true," she admitted, though it looked like she wanted to say more. "But…no one should have to go through that, and…he's my daddy."

"Well, at least you know you're cared about," Sanae said with a smile that nearly glowed.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Come in," I called. Then, my stomach slithered into the bed as the officers from the other day entered.

"Good afternoon, Okazaki-san," the taller one greeted. "Ah, good; you're both here."

"Do you need us to leave?" Sanae asked.

"It's fine," the shorter cop said. "This works out great, in fact."

"I'm Officer Ueno, and this is Officer Oshiro," she taller cop said, thankfully refreshing my memory. "You'll be happy to know that nobody's being charged with any wrongdoing."

I could swear the room cooled with our collective sigh of relief.

"However…" Oshiro added, "…it's been decided that your daughter should stay with her grandparents pending the completion of a set of counseling sessions."

"Counseling?" Pops exclaimed. "What for?"

"I think I know," I said, drawing everyone's attention. "My family has some issues due to the lack of a mother, is that it?"

"Close enough," Officer Ueno said. "Unfortunately, there's only one priest with training in counseling in this prefecture. Fortunately, though, you've already met him."

My brow furrowed. "I have? Who?"

Officer Ueno turned to his partner. "You say it; you know my English is terrible."

"Good grief," Officer Oshiro grunted as he stepped up beside his partner. "He's the hospital chaplain; Ashton Jeff."

I blinked as I settled back into my pillow a little more. "I guess I'm pretty lucky, then. Maybe I should talk to him about my shoulder situation, too."

"He seems like a nice man," Sanae remarked. "I'm sure he could help you."

"In order to start the counseling sessions for you and your daughter, we'll need to share some of the case information with Ashton-sensei," Ueno told me. "Is that going to be a problem?"

I sighed heavily. "Well, if that's what I have to do to get my daughter back, then I don't see much of a choice. Go ahead; share whatever you need to."

"Thank you," he said, pulling out his tablet computer to poke at it. "We'll connect with him as soon as we're done here; he'll probably stop by later today to set up the first session."

"Sounds good," I said, starting to feel fatigue overtake me as I looked over at my daughter. "Ushio? Could you come here, please?"

I saw the deer-in-the-headlights look on her face again as she slowly approached the side of my bed not occupied by my in-laws. "Y-Yes, Daddy?"

I reached out to her and, as the officers watched carefully, she let me take her hand. "Ushio?" I looked into her terrified eyes, and felt a wave of compassion for my poor, broken doll. "Ushio; I forgive you."

I heard her breath catch in her throat before it started to quicken, her chest heaving as tears welled up in her eyes. "Oh Daddy, I'm so sorry!" she cried as she leaned down to bury her face in my chest. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!"

Some small part of me considered the possibility that our first counseling session had already begun.

I put down my magazine as the door opened, and I smiled as Kyou came in the room. "Hello, Kyou," I greeted. "Just you today?"

"Just me," she confirmed with a grin as she sat by the head of my bed. "Everyone else is either at school or at work. By the way, I saw Ryou out in the hall, and she said she'd be by to replace your bag in a few minutes."

I reflexively glanced up at my supply and, sure enough, it was starting to run a little low. "Did she say anything about my dosage?"

"No," she replied, her purple lengths waving with the shake of her head, and I noticed that the gray at her temples was completely gone. "She just wanted me to tell you she'd be here in a bit."

"Okay, thanks."

She ran her fingers through her hair several times, and her expression told me that she had a question, but wasn't sure how to say it. "Listen, um…"

"What's up?"

"How's Shio-chan doing?" She twirled a lock of hair as she asked, this, and I realized that she was really asking what had happened.

So, I sighed heavily. "It's fine for me to tell you now; the investigation is done and no one's going to jail or anything."

"That's a relief."

I wiped my nose with the back of my hand as I stared at the foot of my bed. "I'm not really comfortable getting into the details, but I can say that you were right; she was practicing to become…my wife."

I was hardly surprised to hear her gasp, and I looked up to see an expression of shock on her face. "T-Tomoya…? How did your shoulder get re…reinjured?"

I gnawed on my lower lip briefly as I looked away; I couldn't face her with what I was about to say. "She…tried to…" I sighed heavily. "She tried to consummate a marriage with me. I tried to stop her, but I could only use my right arm, and…"

"Okay, I get the idea," she said, her voice sounding strained. "God, I think I'm gonna hurl."

"I have a bedpan, if you need it," I half-joked; I'd almost had to use it a few times myself whenever I remembered. "Seriously; use it if you need to."

"Where is it?"

I reached to the other side of my bed and grabbed the pan and handed it over to her. "Use only in case of emergency," I said with a grin.

"Thanks."

There was a knock at the door, and Ryou came in with a full IV bag. "Good afternoon, Tomoya-san. I'm here to replace your IV."

"Thanks," I said. "Hey, aren't you going to say 'hi' to your sister? She's right here…mostly."

"I told you I talked to her on my way in, didn't I?" Kyou reminded me. "She told me she'd be coming along to replace your bag."

"Oh, right," I murmur from embarrassment. "Forgot."

"You're lucky I'm too nauseous to make fun of you," she grunted.

"What's the matter, Kyou?" Ryou asked as she removed the empty IV bag.

"I told her what happened," I answered while giving her a meaningful look.

Her mouth formed a silent 'Ah' as she worked on attaching the new bag.

"Did you tell her already?" Kyou asked, still looking a little green.

"You actually the first person I've told," I said. "I figured you should know because of your…" I looked up as I searched for the right word. "…suspicions."

Kyou took a turn at forming a silent 'Ah'. "Thanks, Tomoya; I'm sorry you had to deal with that."

"We're going to be seeing a counselor," I told her. "Apparently this hospital's chaplain has a counseling degree?"

Kyou blinked as a smile crept across her face. "Ashton-sensei?"

I blinked in return. "Yeah. How did you know?"

She squirmed in her seat for nearly a full minute before answering. "He's…the guy I was talking about the other day… You know, when all of us came over?"

"Really?!" We jumped at Ryou's sudden outburst and looked over to see her with eyes wider than usual. "I didn't know that!"

"We're just friends right now," Kyou remarked, "so he probably wouldn't have seen any reason to tell anyone."

"But you're clearly taken with him," Ryou observed as she headed around the foot of my bed to stand in front of her sister. "I don't think I've ever seen you this happy."

"I was, once," Kyou admitted. "It's been…a long time, though."

"Well, good for you," I said. "I hope things work out all right for you. By the way, are you okay with his religion?"

"So far," she said with a light blush. "I'll admit I haven't learned much about it, but it can't be that different from any of the others."

"Well, if he turns out to be…weird, you run and don't look back," I told her. "I don't want you losing another decade to another control freak."

"Yes, Dad," she replied while sticking her tongue out at me while her sister giggled.

"Well," I said with a sigh, "at least I'll have a chance to find out what kind of guy he is."

"Why's that?" Ryou asked.

"He'll be counseling Ushio and I," I told her. "Should give me plenty of time to figure out if he's a creep or not." I looked over to my old sparring partner. "Seriously, Kyou; I'll let you know what I find out, okay?"

"Thanks, Tomoya; I really appreciate it. Really."

"H-How's the job situation?" I asked, uncomfortable with her gratitude.

"Slow," she sighed, and I felt bad for bringing down her mood. "So much has changed in the last ten years that…" She shook her head sadly. "I'm just thinking that I might be obsolete."

"That's not true!" Ryou exclaimed, nearly up in her sister's face. "You still love kids, don't you? You still want to teach, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but…" she gestured helplessly. "It took me so long to earn my teaching degree n the first place, and I've been out-of-touch for so long that…" She gestured helplessly again.

"Sounds rough," I murmured sympathetically.

"I think I understand," Ryou said sadly. "If the curriculum's changed a lot, then…"

"…it could be really hard to catch up," I finished. "I still think you should try though; giving up just doesn't sound like you, especially after all you've been through." A flash of insight. "Are you going to let Hagane run the rest of your life, too?"

Kyou's jaw dropped with her look of shock. "NO! That bastard's taken enough from me!" She jumped to her feet, one of her hands balled into a fist. "I'll show him! I'll show him! I'll learn what I have to and become a kindergarten teacher again!"

"You can do it!" Ryou exclaimed before suddenly blushing. "I'm sorry; I have to go. I have other patients to take care of."

"Okay, Ryou. Thanks," I said as she made her way to the door. As she left I looked back to Kyou, who still stood with a look of determination and a balled fist. "You've got a lot on your plate, huh? Ashton-sensei and your career?"

Her expression softened as she dropped her fist and looked at me. "Yeah…I guess I do, don't I?"

I smiled warmly. "Well, for what it's worth, I believe you can do it."

"Thanks," she said, settling back into her seat. She then gave me an impish grin. "I hope I didn't scare you."

"I'm fine," I told her. "You startled me, sure, but I'm glad to see you fired up."

There was another quiet knock at the door before it opened to reveal the hospital chaplain. "Good after-oh, hey!" he greeted with a broad smile on his face as he saw my other guest. "If, uh, this is a bad time, I can come back later."

"Naw, I should be taking off, anyway," Kyou replied. "I need to get back home and do my chores."

"Chores?" I echoed. "How old are you again?"

"None of your business," she said with a smile and a flip of her purple lengths. "Besides, it's rude to ask a lady her age."

"So…how old are you again?" I repeated with a grin.

"I'm ignoooring youuuu…" she said as she turned to the chaplain with a huge smile. "Ashton-san, it's good to see you again."

"You too, Kyou-san," he greeted with a smile of his own. "I'd love to chat, but I'm here for Okazaki-san."

"Who?"

"Don't get me involved in your spat," he chuckled. "I need to keep things professional right now."

"Oh all right, you big killjoy," she complained while giving his arm a gentle swat. "Can I call you later?"

He gave me an awkward glance. "This is hardly the time… Fine, I should be home by seven."

"Talk to you later, then!" she chirped before nearly skipping out the door.

He shook his head with another chuckle as he approached my bedside. "I'm sorry about that, Okazaki-san; if I'd known she'd act like that I would have come back later."

"Don't worry about it," I grunted. "I'm just glad that she's happy again."

"What do you mean by 'happy again'?" he asked with a puzzled look as he settled into the seat by my bed.

I gave him a puzzled look of my own. "Didn't she tell you her situation?"

"We…haven't talked a whole lot, so there's a bit I don't know about her."

"Then maybe I should keep it to myself," I said. "It's not my story to tell."

"I understand," he said, starting to look worried.

"It's not as bad as you seem to think," I quickly added. "It's just that she's… See, she and I are old friends, from back in high school, and she…well, she hasn't been treated very well lately."

"I'm assuming that you're talking about someone other than yourself?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I got to hear all the gory details, so to speak. Just…be nice to her, okay?"

"No problem," he replied with a smile. "I'll be sure to treat her with kid gloves for now. Thanks for telling me."

"You're welcome. So…"

"Yeah, I'm here about scheduling your first session," he said, pulling out his smart phone. "Would you be okay with having it here if they end up keeping you longer?"

"That'd be fine," I replied. "In fact, that reminds me; I wanted to get your opinion on something."

"I'd be happy to give you my opinion," he said with a quirky smile, and I couldn't help but chuckle. "What's up?"

I took a moment to gather my thoughts. "The hospital would like to try an…experimental technique on my shoulder to see if they can heal it," I explained. "See, I injured it pretty badly shortly before starting high school, but…well, for reasons I don't need to go into, I didn't try to get it treated."

"Okay…"

"Well, this recent…incident reinjured it, and the docs would like to try a new medical technique on it to see if they can fix it."

"Since this is experimental, I would assume that there's a risk?"

"Yeah. If I understand correctly, they're going to kill the damaged stuff then try to make my body fix it."

"Meaning…?"

"If it fails, I could end up losing the use of my right arm completely. At least now I can use it a little bit; I just can't lift it more than halfway."

His posture slouched slightly to match his look of concern. "I could see that being an issue."

"Yeah…"

"Well, could you live without the use of your right arm?"

"I could, but…"

To his credit, he didn't try to jump in.

"…it's just that…every time I've gotten something good in life, it's always been taken away from me in some way. First it was my mom dying when I was really young, then it was injuring my shoulder after getting into Hikarizaka on a basketball scholarship…"

"That was a strength of yours, I assume?"

"Yeah. So that was taken from me. Then, when I'd pretty much given up on life, Nagisa came into it and gave me a reason to not give up. Then she died giving birth to Ushio, so I lost that happiness, too."

"You've had a rough life," he said sympathetically.

"And then, finally, I got my daughter back at age five, and then…" I lifted my arms, then let them fall back onto the bad.

"So if I understand you correctly, you're assuming that this surgery will end up taking away part of your mobility."

"Exactly."

He leaned back in his seat as he sighed heavily. "Well I guess I could understand why you'd have a fatalistic attitude."

"Yeah; I feel like the world's diaper," I snorted.

He barked out a laugh before catching himself. "Sorry about that; I'm not trying to minimize your pain."

I shrugged with my good shoulder. "Hey, I'm the one who made the joke."

"True," he said with an expression of mirth. "Still…that's a sad place to be; expecting that life will always give you a raw deal." He nibbled on his lower lip as he appeared to study me. "Have you considered that this surgery might be an opportunity for you? Not only that, but that the chances of having Japan's only counselor as your hospital chaplain are pretty slim?"

I'd never thought of it and admitted as much. "But how do I know that the surgery will help me?"

"You don't," he admitted, "but it seems like, based on what you've told me, it'd be more likely that you'd lose your daughter completely rather than have this opportunity to keep her in your life."

I thought back to when I'd assumed that the police would arrest me when they first arrived. "That's true; I guess I've always unconsciously believed that I've been living on borrowed time. Or happiness, really."

"Okazaki-san, I'm so sorry that you've gone through what you have," he said, and his expression told me that he meant every word. "I don't why life seems to have given you a raw deal, but I'd like to help you as much as I can."

"Can your god heal my shoulder?" I asked as I remembered his job.

"He can," he replied easily, "but he uses a variety of avenues to work his miracles."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have seen evidence that he'll heal through direct intervention, but he'll also give knowledge to people that allow them to perform amazing feats."

"Like what?"

"Like giving a fellow the knowledge to create a device that will allow a carriage to move without any horses."

"But a human created the first engine, didn't he?" I countered; I was starting to find the conversation interesting.

"He did, true," the chaplain conceded, "but he didn't create the elements needed for the construction of the engine; in fact, no human did."

"Okay."

"And as far as the knowledge; he couldn't have been the source of the knowledge, or he wouldn't have had to discover it, would he?"

I had to concede that point as well.

"So, if he discovered it, then the knowledge must have been there before him so he could discover it; it 'preexisted' him."

"You're starting to lose me here," I told him. "Can you keep it simple?"

"My point is that God had to have either given him the knowledge or set up the circumstances that would allow him to discover it." He shrugged with his hands. "I'll admit that there are a few assumptions in there, but I don't think you'd want to hear the whole explanation."

"You're right," I admitted; his explanation sounded feasible, at least. "So, are you suggesting that going through with the surgery could give your god the chance to fix me?"

"It's certainly possible."

"So, why should I believe that he would?" I argued, suddenly feeling resentful. "He let all this crap happen to me; why wouldn't he just let me lose my arm?"

"I can't say for sure," he admitted. "All I can say is that I suspect that people made choices involved in each of the circumstances, and they ended up having a negative effect on you."

I was surprised by his honest answer. "I guess my shoulder wouldn't have been injured if my dad hadn't chosen to fight with me," I conceded.

He nodded but otherwise said nothing.

I sighed heavily. "You know, part of me wants to say 'the hell with it', but another part of me keeps telling me to give it another chance."

"So, what do you think?" he prompted.

I sighed again. "I don't know; part of me thinks that this is too good to be true, so it'll fail."

"That's understandable."

"But part of me still hopes…"

"Maybe that part of you believes that life isn't supposed to be the way you've been led to believe," he suggested.

"That could be," I admitted.

He studied me for a moment longer. "Okazaki-san, I'm going to be praying for you. I can see that you have a very tough decision to make, one that's been made more difficult by your history." He clapped me on my good shoulder a couple of times. "You know I can't make this decision for you; you're the one who has to live with the consequences, for better or for worse."

"I know," I said, suddenly feeling very tired.

"For now, I'm going to leave you to your thoughts, but I'll be back tomorrow so we can talk again if you need to." He got up from his seat and studied me yet again. "Do you mind if I pray for you before I go?"

"Go ahead." What harm could his prayer do, anyway?

He laid his hand on my arm. "Lord Jesus, I'm back again to lift up Okazaki Tomoya. You know the challenges he's faced, and you know the challenges he will face. Please give him wisdom as he makes this very difficult decision. But, more than that, give him the peace he's needed all his life and let him know that you really do care about him." He took his hand from my arm and looked me in the eye. "May the Lord bless you richly, Okazaki Tomoya."

"Th-Thanks," I replied, feeling a little overwhelmed by the intensity in his gaze.

He gave a formal bow and then left, the door quietly clicking shut behind him.