Chapter Fifteen: A Rough Start

"…so he said that I might be able to take this stupid thing off in the next thirty days or so," I finished.

Pastor Ashton leaned back in his chair as he smiled broadly. "That's good to hear, Tomoya-san. From what I understand, you've been needing something to go your way."

"No kidding," I grunted with a smile of my own.

"I'm really happy for you, Daddy," Ushio said from her seat next to mine. "I know you've had a rough life…"

"Indeed," the pastor said as he set his gaze on my daughter. "Which leads us to why we're here…"

"Y-Yeah…I mean; yes, sir," she replied as she looked down to her folded hands.

"If I understand correctly, you believe it's your fault that your mom died," he said gently.

"Yes, sir," she replied, her voice barely above a whisper. "She died giving birth to me."

"Ushio, I've told you that your mother was suffering from one of her fevers," I protested. "The birth may have…" I trailed off, not really wanting to finish my sentence.

"Tomoya-san, are you saying that the birthing progress…" he glanced over at my daughter, "…finished what the fever started?"

"That's right."

"Now, you said 'one of her fevers'; is that right?" he asked, starting to scribble in his notebook again.

"That's right," I repeated. "Nagisa would get pretty bad fevers every once in a while. Back in high school, she ended up having to repeat her third year twice due to a couple of fevers."

"So, she was a third-year for three years?"

"Yes, sir. When I met her at the start of her second time, she was trying to find a reason to go to school."

"Why is that?"

"She was kinda depressed because all of her friends had graduated, so she hardly knew anyone any more. Who was it she said she felt like…?" I wracked my brain for the memory. "Urashima Taro? Yeah, that's the name." The pastor gave me a puzzled look, so I explained, "He was a man who ended up about 300 years past his time. I can't remember all the details, but that's the basic idea."

"Sounds a bit like Rip Van Winkle," he commented. "He slept for twenty years, missing the American Revolution. A man out of time, but not as much as your…what was his name again?"

"Urashima Taro," Ushio answered, then blushed. "We studied him in history recently."

"..Taro…" Pastor Ashton murmured as he scribbled in his book again. "I'll have to read up on him; his story sounds like it could be interesting."

"Where are you from?" I asked; I'd been meaning to ask for a while but had been preoccupied.

"Originally? I'm from America," he replied, still writing. "But I haven't been back in years."

"Do you miss it?" Ushio asked.

"Sometimes," he said with a smile. "But I have no regrets about coming to Japan; it's a beautiful country with a beautiful people."

I snorted. "Do you think I'm beautiful, then?"

"Nope," he quipped with a wink. "It's hard to explain; it's like the soul of the country is beautiful."

"Isn't America beautiful, too?" my daughter asked.

"Yes, but in a different way," he replied. "Have either of you ever been outside of Japan?"

Ushio and I looked at each other before I answered. "No, we've never really had a reason to."

"I think it'll make sense if you ever do," he said, leaning back and crossing his arms. "It's more of a sense than a sight. I understand that this is 'home' to you, so you might take some things for granted that a comparative outsider like myself might not."

"How long have you been here?" Ushio asked.

"Well, about twenty-five years off and on, but I've been here for the last ten years straight."

"Don't you miss home?" she asked.

He sighed heavily. "Japan is my home now; I'm grateful that the government eased up on their restrictions on immigration."

"Don't you have anyone back in America who'd miss you?" I asked.

"Not anymore," he replied in a solemn tone as he uncrossed his arms, his hands dropping into his lap. "My parents died ten years ago, and I have no brothers or sisters…or children."

"I'm sorry," Ushio said sadly.

I reflexively thought of Kyou. "Do you want any? Children, I mean?"

He gave me a sly grin. "Isn't this supposed to be about the two of you? All right, if it'll help you be more comfortable with me; I've rambled on enough anyway, so I may as well."

"I don't think you're rambling," my daughter said. "I like learning about other people."

"That's very sweet of you," he said with a warm smile. "Do I want children? Yes, I do. But I'm fifty-one years old; a little late for starting a family."

"But I learned that men produce sperm up…until…" Ushio trailed off with a blush and a glance at me.

"It's more than just the physical ability to reproduce," he said. "Like I said; I'm fifty-one and don't have the energy that I used to. Trying to keep up with a little one?" He shook his head with a chuckle. "I don't think I can do that anymore."

"I'm so sorry," she said sympathetically.

"Thank you, sweetheart," he said with a smile that looked…resigned? "But…I have my flock to take care of, which keeps me busy enough. But enough about me," he declared, clapping his hands. "Where were we? Rip Van Winkle?"

"Something like that?" Ushio giggled.

"We were talking about my wife," I reminded him. "She felt like a 'man out of time'."

"Right! Fevers! That's right!" He exclaimed, leaning forward again. "So she'd get these fevers every so often, and they'd last a long time?"

"Right," I confirmed. "Unfortunately, she developed one toward the end of her pregnancy, and we think it weakened her to the point where the birth…yeah…" I could feel the pinpricks in my eyes as I tried not to remember.

"And the doctors couldn't help her?" he asked.

"She didn't want to go to the hospital," I told him. "She wanted to give birth at home; it really meant a lot to her."

"Maybe I'm not understanding something about Japanese culture, here," he said with his hand raised, "but wouldn't the health of the mother take priority over any sentimental feelings?"

"I…was a pretty young man at the time," I said. "And we hadn't been married for that long, so I…"

"Tomoya-san…do you blame yourself for her death as well?"

Did I? "I've…never really thought about it, to be honest. I know that after she died, Pops and Sanae took care of Ushio while I fell apart."

"Who are they? Pops and…?"

"They're my grandparents, my mom's parents," I heard Ushio answer as I continued to turn the pastor's question over in my head. "I think they were at the hospital when Daddy went in for surgery."

"How long did they care for you?" he asked.

"About five years. Daddy took care of me after that."

"Tomoya-san?"

"Y-Yeah?" I said, blinking out of my thoughts.

"What…snapped you out of your…mindset?" he asked, his gaze fixed on me.

I looked over at Ushio with a smile. "Seeing Ushio again. And learning about my dad's situation." At his questioning look I explained, "My mom died when I was really young, leaving him to take care of me by himself."

"That must have been hard on him, losing his wife while having to be strong for his son," he said. "How old were you when she died?"

"I don't know," I said, feeling bitterness tart to creep in. "The old man never told me; instead he drank and smoked himself stupid and worked himself to death."

He gave me a puzzled look. "But, from what you've told me, that's what you did when your wife died. What's the difference?"

I suddenly saw red. "You know what? I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to make me into my dad, trying to tell me I'm no better than him!" He opened his mouth, but I wasn't going to give him the chance. "Well, you know what? Fuck you! Fuck you, and FUCK YOU!"

"D-Daddy!" I heard Ushio cry out.

"He was supposed to be the adult, not me! I was a child!" I yelled, pointing to myself. "And he broke my shoulder! He did it! And don't you tell me it was my fault, ever! And I didn't kill her!" Without another word, I ran from the room. Fortunately I had enough of my wits to find the main doors and slam my way out, surprising Pops and Sanae on the other side as they were coming up to the building. "She's in there!" I yelled, trying to point behind me. "And it's not my fault! He broke it!" I ran and ran and ran until I got home. I somehow got the keys out of my pocket and found the right one and unlocked the door on my first try; something about my anger gave me a clarity I didn't usually have.

I made sure to close the door quietly behind me to avoid any visits from nosy neighbors before locking the door with more force than necessary, then stormed down the hall to my room and threw myself to the floor, being careful of my arm.

My eyes fluttered open and I felt a little dizzy as I sat up, likely due to falling asleep at the wrong time of the day. I held my hand to my forehead to try to push the pain out and wondering why I woke up, considering how crummy I felt.

My unspoken question was answered by the ringing of my doorbell, and I grunted to my feet to stumble down the hall toward the living room. My dizziness started to dissipate as I reached the front door, and I ran my hand through my hair a couple of times before unlocking and opening the door.

Mika stood on my front porch, twintails and all. "Good afternoon, Okazaki-sa…are you okay?"

"I've been better," I said as I stepped aside to let her in. "Sorry you're not seeing me at my best."

"That's…okay," she said, stopping partway in to study me. "Can I make you some tea? The caffeine might help."

"Thanks," I said, shutting the door behind her before heading over to the kotatsu to carefully collapse in my spot. I watched her as she moved around the kitchen like a pro, gathering the components and firing up the stove to heat the water. "Please tell me you've had a good day," I nearly begged.

"I have!" she said as she turned to face me, leaning up against the counter. "We had an exam in math, which I passed with flying colors!"

"Hey, good for you," I said sincerely. "What level are you?"

"Calculus," she said, then ducked her head. "To be honest, though, I suck at math, so I studied really hard. This is the first time I've earned anything higher than a 'C' on a math exam."

"How do your parents feel about your math grades?" I asked, finally starting to feel more normal.

"Oh! That's right!" She headed toward me while pulling a slip of paper from her coat pocket. "Dad asked me to give this to you."

"What is it?" I asked as I accepted the slip. I opened it to find a phone number. "Oh, that's right! He wanted to give this to me over the phone, but…yeah." I waved the slip at her. "Thanks, Mika-san."

"You're welcome!" she chirped. "They're fine with my grades, actually; they know how much and how hard I study, so they're patient with me. I even gave up club so I could study."

"That's right," I said, remembering. "What club were you in?"

She tapped the floor with her toe, unable to look me in the eye. "The Volleyball Club."

"Aw, I'm sorry. Do you miss it?"

"I do," she admitted, meeting my gaze. "But I did it for fun, so it's not a big loss."

"But it's something you enjoy doing," I politely protested. "Life isn't all about work, work, work, you know."

"I know," she replied as she turned back to the stove. "But if I don't do well, that means I'll have fewer options when I go out into the work force."

"I wish I could help you," I sighed with no small amount of regret. "I wasted my time in high school, so I'm pretty useless."

"I don't think you're useless," she said. "I think you're a wonderful father to Shio-chan, and you must be a hard worker, right?"

"Wonderful father…?" I started to feel sick as I remembered what had happened earlier in the day, running from the counseling session and effectively abandoning Ushio; I made a mental note to call her later. "I'm…not a very good father, Mika-san."

She gave me a concerned look, but said nothing as she brought over a steaming mug and placed it before me. "Here you go."

"Thanks," I said gratefully as I took up the mug in my good hand and took a sip. "Man, I don't know how you do it so consistently, but this tea is perfect again."

"Thank you," she said with a warm smile. "I hope the rest of your day….no, the rest of your week goes better."

I chuckled. "Considering this is Saturday, could I take a rain check on that until tomorrow?"

"Of course," she said with a giggle. "Now I feel kinda stupid."

"It's okay; I won't tell anyone if you won't," I said with a wink as I raised the mug to my mouth again. "Man, this is good."

"W-Well, while you're working on that, I'll go work on your dinner," she said as she headed back to the kitchen. "I might need to pick up a few things before coming over tomorrow, though; you're starting to run low on ingredients."

"Give me the receipts for anything you pick up and I'll make sure to pay you back," I told her.

"I'll do that," she replied before opening the freezer.

As she worked I sipped at my tea and thought about my actions at the counseling session earlier that day. I hadn't used profanities like that in years, so why did I unload on the pastor like that? "He was trying to blame me for what happened," I mumbled.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Mika called from the kitchen.

"Just thinking out loud," I said. "Sorry if I bothered you."

"Not at all." She placed a pot on the stovetop and turned on the appropriate burner. Then, she carefully added some egg noodles to the water before retrieving what appeared to be the basil. She sprinkled some of whatever it was into the pot and let it cook. After getting out some beef and setting it on the counter, she headed back out to the living room; for some reason, she looked awkward. "Would…you mind some company for dinner? I'd hate to leave you alone if you've had a rough day."

"What about your parents?" I asked. "And your studies?"

"I could call them and ask permission," she said. "And I've done my studies for the week."

I mulled this over. "Not this time, but thanks for offering. I…wasn't a very nice person earlier, so I'm probably not safe to be around right now."

"O-Okay," she replied, looking understandably uncertain. "Are you sure you'd be okay alone?"

"No," I admitted. "But I wouldn't want anyone else around if I…relapse. Besides, I need to call Ushio and apologize."

"I understand," she replied, then bowed slightly before heading back to the kitchen. I leaned back to look out the window…then sighed as I got up to open the curtain.

"So your dinner is in the fridge like usual, in the white container," Mika explained as she got her coat on. "Just heat it at sixty percent for three minutes."

"Got it," I said, making a mental note. "Thanks again, Mika-san."

"You're welcome," she said with a smile that faltered as she broke my gaze. "Before I go, could I do one more thing for you?"

"What's that?"

"Could I give you a hug?" she asked, and then her face paled. "I-I'm sorry! Now that I've asked, it sounds inappropriate!"

"Don't worry about it," I said comfortingly as I opened the door. "Have a safe trip home."

The poor, embarrassed girl could only bow before hurrying out my door, and I smiled as I imagined what she must have been feeling. "Good job, you two," I said, thinking of Mika's parents. "You raised a very compassionate girl." I headed over to retrieve my phone and called the Hiiragis.

"Good evening, Tomoya-san," Ryou's voice greeted.

"Finally got me in your caller ID, huh?" I teased. "Good evening, Ryou. This is my 'Mika-san's on her way home' call."

"Ah, good. Thank you."

"Listen, Ryou, um…" I wasn't sure how to phrase what I wanted to say. "I thought you should know that your daughter offered to stay for dinner. She…found out I had a rough day and didn't want to leave me alone. By myself, I mean."

"I see…"

"I guess I wanted to let you know and tell you that I think you've done a great job in raising such a thoughtful, caring girl."

"Th-Thank you. She never talked with us about staying there for dinner, though."

"Please don't punish her on my account," I begged. "Like I said; I'd had a rough day, and I guess she wanted to make sure I was okay. I'm grateful, even though I turned her down."

"I understand. Well, thanks for letting me know."

I hesitated, but… "There's something else I think you should know, just for…what's it called? Full disclosure? Yeah." Had I the extra hand, I would have rubbed the back of my neck. "Just before she left, she offered me…well…a hug."

"She did?" Ryou asked, sounding surprised.

"Don't worry, I turned that down, too," I said quickly. "I mean, I appreciated the gesture, but I thought it wasn't appropriate." I chuckled. "Apparently she didn't either, at least after she offered. I just thought you should know. Like I said, please don't punish her on my account; I know she was trying to be helpful."

"I don't see any need to discipline her over this," Ryou said, much to my relief. "We will have to talk with her about it, though. She didn't call for permission, for one."

"She would have," I told her. "She told me that she would call you if I accepted her offer to stay for dinner."

"Okay, good," she said thoughtfully. "Is there anything else Kappei and I should know?"

"No, I think that's it. Thanks for letting her come over, Ryou; she's been a huge help. Thank your husband for me, too."

"I'll do that. And thank you for your kind words; it's nice to know that our hard work has paid off."

"Well I'm grateful," I said, not sure what else to say. "Anyway, I'm sorry but I've gotta go; I need to call my daughter."

"Okay. Tell her 'hi' from us."

"I will. Take care."

"You, too."

I ended the call and immediately dialed the number for Furukawa Bakery. A few rings, then: "Hello?"

"Hi, Mom," I said, suddenly feeling self-conscious in light of my earlier behavior.

"Tomoya-san!" she exclaimed. "Are you all right?" At least she wasn't mad at me, and it occurred to me that it was a good thing that Pops hadn't been the one to answer the phone.

"I think I'm okay," I said. "Sorry about earlier."

"Shio-chan told us you were quite upset at your session. What happened?"

"I…" I bit my lip. What could I say? "I'm really not comfortable talking about it, but… I'm sorry for yelling at you and Pops like that, and I'll make sure it never happens again."

"No apology is needed, but I'll forgive you anyway," she said in her uniquely motherly tone. "Akio and I could tell that you were very upset, so we don't hold it against you."

"Yeah, something the pastor said set me off."

"May I ask what he said?"

"He…tried to blame me for breaking my shoulder and for Nagisa's death," I told her.

"Really? That's odd…Shio-chan told us that he asked what the difference was between you and your father."

"Well, she probably…waitaminute…" I was about to say 'she probably doesn't remember right', but… "Now that you say that, I do remember him saying something like that."

"It doesn't sound like he was trying to blame you for anything."

"You might be right…" I murmured. "So…why would I react the way that I did?"

"I don't know."

"Could I talk to Ushio?" I asked. "I think I need to get my facts straight."

"Of course." I heard the phone put down, the footsteps, and I chuckled at the realization that my in-laws were still using a land line.

I sobered, though, as I heard the phone picked up. "H-Hi, Daddy."

"Hey, sweetie," I greeted warmly. "Sorry about earlier."

"Are you okay?" she asked, and I could hear her voice trembling over the line. "You were really angry and you scared me."

"I'm really sorry about that," I said. "I'm not sure if I'm okay or not. Listen, can I ask you a question?"

"O-Okay."

I took a deep breath. "Do you remember what the last thing was that the pastor said before I…exploded?"

I was relieved to hear a giggle from the other end. "I don't remember it exactly, but he said something about your behavior being like Grandpa Okazaki's, and then he asked you about the difference between the two of you."

He had said something like that, so why did I blow up the way I did? "Okay. Thanks, sweetie. I guess I have some thinking to do, huh?"

"If you say so, Daddy." A brief pause, then: "I miss you."

"Thanks, I miss me, too," I joked. "Maybe when I find me we can celebrate."

"You're funny," she giggled. "Oh! I meant to ask; How's your shoulder? I know we talked about it a bit this morning, but…"

"I did give more of an overview, didn't I?" I said. "Well, it's doing fine. They took an X-ray of it 'cause it was itching and kinda achy, and he saw some growth in there."

"That's wonderful! Muscle or tendon?"

"A little bit of both, if I understood what he was saying, but I think it's mainly muscle."

"It's exciting, isn't it? Your shoulder will grow back, and you'll twirl me!"

"You're really looking forward to that, aren't you?" I chuckled.

"I am," she giggled, then grew quiet. "Listen, I'm…I'm sorry for hurting you. And…I'm sorry for all the weird things I did."

"They weren't really weird weird," I told her. "They were just…I was just the wrong person."

"I know," she said with a heavy sigh.

"Anyway, I forgive you. At least now I understand why you were doing what you were doing." I was about to thank her for thinking of me, but thought better of it. "We should hold off on talking about this any more until our next counseling session, okay?"

"So you're going to the next one?" she asked excitedly.

Was I? "Yeah…I guess I am…huh. Though, I never really thought about not going, but now that you bring it up…huh."

"Are you okay, Daddy?"

"No…No, I'm not. I'm pretty messed up right now, so it's a good thing I'm going to counseling, I guess."

"You're so funny," she giggled.

"Thanks," I said as I glanced at the clock. "Listen, sweetie, I need to go. It's almost six, and I have dinner to reheat."

"Reheat?"

"Didn't I tell you? Mika-san's been stopping by to make dinner for me."

"Oh. I forgot."

"She stops by long enough to prep it before heading home."

"Isn't that kinda out-of-the-way, though?"

"Apparently I'm not too far off her usual path to the station," I told her. "And she's used to heading home this late 'cause she used to be in the Volleyball Club."

"Really? That's pretty neat." For some reason, she sounded anxious. "Anyway, I'll let you go so you can eat."

"Sweetie? You okay?"

"I'm a little jealous," she admitted with an embarrassed chuckle. "But I'm glad you're able to eat well. Enjoy your dinner."

"Thanks. Don't worry; I'll be eating your cooking again before you know it."

"I look forward to it. G…Good night, Daddy."

"Good night, sweetie."

I ended the call, then headed to the kitchen. A few minutes later, I was enjoying a delicious home-cooked meal, though I still felt a little lonely.