Chapter Sixteen: Ups and Downs

I shifted my weight form foot to foot as I waited for the train that would take me to the next town and, by extension, the hospital where I would receive my next stim treatment. Even though I'd been wearing the harness for a while, I was still tired of the glances and outright stares I'd receive from other people. There were times where I just wanted to shout 'I'm a cripple, okay?' just to stop the attention.

At least this was going to be a normal Saturday: I'd have my stim treatment at the hospital, then head back home to have lunch before heading out to my counseling appointment with Ushio. After that I'd head back home and relax for a bit before Mika would arrive to make dinner for me.

I crossed my arms…doggone it, arm as I thought about my situation with Pastor Ashton. I'd considered that I was just overthinking it, but I still felt that an apology was necessary. I still couldn't figure out how I had gotten from his question to my 'answer', which bugged me to no end. "Maybe I heard what I expected to hear…?"

My thoughts were interrupted by the train pulling into the station, and I looked inside to see how crowded it was. Since I was effectively missing an arm, I needed to be able to sit down; of course I'd be able to hold onto a pole or strap if necessary, but I didn't have any other way to steady myself if I was bumped or the train rocked.

Finally, the train stopped, one of its many sets of doors appearing before me, and I waited as the doors slid open, allowing several passengers to get off. After the last person passed, I got onboard. Fortunately the trains weren't as crowded on Saturdays, and I was able to find a seat easily. As always, I looked out the window as the train picked up speed, and my mind went back to many years prior, when I would use the train to travel from job interview to job interview while most of my former classmates were getting ready for university. I looked down at my harnessed arm and thought about how different my life could have been had my old man not busted my shoulder.

The train slowed into the next station, shuddering to a stop, and I watched as passengers got off and other passengers got on, and I started to wonder: Where were all these people going? I figured some of them were going to work, but what about the others? Were they going shopping? An appointment like I was? Maybe to visit family? Or maybe…? I shook my head, realizing that I hadn't thought like that in a long time. While thinking philosophically felt comfortable, it also seemed a little alien.

"Okazaki-sama?" I looked toward the source of the voice to find Mika looking down at me with a smile. "It is you! Hi!"

"Hey, Mika-san," I greeted as I started to my feet.

"Oh, please don't get up," she said as she placed a hand on my chest, keeping me in my seat. "There's plenty of seats, and I wouldn't want to you hurt yourself." She glanced at the empty bench next to me. "May I sit with you?"

"Be my guest," I said. "I don't own it, after all."

She giggled as she sat down, leaving one seat between us as she fixed her gaze on me. "Are you going to the hospital today?"

"Yup, Saturday stim," I replied, glancing out the window before remembering my manners and returning my gaze to her. "What has you out and about today?"

"I'm going to surprise Mom at work," she said, patting a bag in her lap. "She usually has lunch in the late morning, so I thought it'd be neat if we could have lunch together."

"Did you make that yourself?" I asked, eyeing the bag and wondering what she'd made.

"Yup!" she chirped. "Well, with Aunt Kyou's help; she taught me a new recipe this morning."

"That's good."

I realized that I'd been staring at the bag too long, and quickly looked back up to see her smiling slyly at me. "You want some, don't you Okazaki-sama?"

"I'd…be lying if I said 'no'," I admitted. "I've really been grateful for your cooking. Ushio's a good cook, but…"

"How is she?" Mika asked. "I've seen her at school, and we've talked a bit, but she doesn't talk about how things are at home."

"Well, I'm not sure, either, since she lives with her grandparents right now," I told her, then grinned. "Are you being a good big sister, Mika-san?"

"She just seems like such a nice girl that it hurts to know that she's hurting," she replied with a duck of her head.

"Yeah, she is a nice girl," I murmured. "I think she's doing fine; she's responded better to the counseling than I have."

"What do you mean?"

I ducked my head several times in response to feeling more than a little awkward. "Well, you know I kinda blew up at the counselor last week."

"Yeah, but you've had a rough life," she pointed out. "Isn't it possible that you've been carrying your hurt for a very long time?"

"That's true," I conceded. "I did have a pretty bad attitude in high school."

"How come?"

I opened my mouth to reply but caught myself. "Mika-san, I don't think it's appropriate for me to talk to someone your age about these things."

"But-"

"I'm glad you're concerned about me, but you have enough worries of your own to deal with; you shouldn't have to worry about mine."

She cast her gaze down to her lap. "I…I understand. I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I said, reaching out to pat her clasped hands. "You're a very kind girl, going out of your way to take care of someone like me. In fact, when I talked to your mom a few nights ago to let her know you were on our way home, I congratulated her – thanked her, really – for raising such a compassionate girl."

"Thank you," she replied in a tiny voice.

"So, what are your plans for today? I know you're hanging out with Ry-with your mom for lunch, but what about the rest of the day?"

"I plan on going to the park near your place later in the afternoon," she said. "I'll just go for a walk and enjoy the scenery until it's time to make dinner for you."

A thought occurred to me that had me gently smacking the side of my head. "You know, Mika-san, you don't have to come over every day; if you make two meals on Friday I could eat the other on Saturday. Three would take care of the weekend. They don't all have to be different, after all; I'm just grateful that you're taking the time to help me out, and I don't mind eating the same thing every day." I gestured at her. "Remember, you don't even have to do this in the first place."

"But I want to!" she insisted as she met my gaze. "You're a good man, Okazaki-sama, and you should have someone who is there for you when you're in trouble!" she looked back down at her lap. "I just wish I could do more…"

"You're doing plenty, Mika-san, and I'm really grateful. Thank you," I said, patting her hands again.

"Y-You're welcome."

We were quiet for the next few minutes until the train pulled into our stop, and we both got to our feet and headed toward the door. Since we were going to the same place we ended up walking together. Something about her demeanor bothered me, though. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to be harsh with you or anything."

"You weren't," she said with a shake of her head that sent her twintails waving. "I just…have a lot on my mind."

"I hope I didn't add to your problems."

"You didn't," she replied with another shake, then looked over at me with a smile that was obviously forced. "I'm okay."

"Okay…" I took her at her word, but still considered talking with her parents about it.

We were quiet the rest of the way to the hospital which, admittedly, wasn't very far. "Well, see you later," I said in farewell, then winked. "And thank you in advance for the delicious meal."

"Y-You're welcome," she said while giving me a tiny wave. "Good luck with your treatment. I look forward to hearing about it." She glanced over her shoulder a couple of times as she walked away, so I gave her wave of my own before heading to the lab for my next treatment.

I grimaced, rubbing at my shoulder as I passed through the main doors of the hospital to head home. The treatment had gone fine as always, but the increased mass in my shoulder was feeling itchy and achy more than usual. I was grateful for the progress, of course, but the discomfort was…well, uncomfortable. On the bright side, though, I was on track to losing the harness when Dr. Fujibayashi thought I would, in about two weeks. I'd still need the treatments after that, but at least I could start the physical therapy, limbering up and strengthening the new tissue as well as restoring lost muscle in my hand and arm. I hadn't exactly withered away, but I could tell that I'd lost some strength from lack of use.

As I approached the station I reached into my pocket for my pass, when I suddenly had a feeling that I was being followed. I didn't know that I was being followed; it was like those times in high school when I just knew to dodge, and ended up avoiding one of Kyou's book throws. I stopped and looked around, but didn't see anything out-of-the-ordinary. There were people around, of course, but none of them seemed to be acting suspiciously, so I started toward the train station again.

I got that feeling several more times as I passed through the turnstiles and boarded the train, but chalked it up to my shoulder irritating me more than usual as I took a seat.

The odd feeling left shortly before my stop, and I got off and headed for home. Once there, I went inside and beelined it for the kitchen; I only had a little over an hour before my counseling session and I still wasn't very fast one-handed. In spite of my handicap I was able to put a lunch together quickly, and sat myself down at the kotatsu to eat. As I ate I thought about what I should say to Pastor Ashton when I saw him; should I apologize? Or would he treat it as just part of the session?

I argued back-and-forth with myself until it was time for me to leave, so I left it up to fate as I wrestled into my coat and headed out the door. As I passed the nearby park I had to resist the temptation to stop in and see what Mika was doing; she was legally an adult and didn't need my worthless ass being nosy. As I headed away from the park I glanced behind me in response to a feeling of being followed again. That feeling stayed with me as I passed Furukawa Bakery and all the way up to the doors of the church.

Pops and Sanae had apparently just dropped Ushio off, as they were headed my way from the main doors. "Well hello, Tomoya-san!" Sanae greeted with her usual exuberance. "It's good to see you well!"

"Thanks, Mom," I replied, feeling my face heat up; of course I hadn't forgotten about my behavior from the last time I saw them. "Hey, Pops."

"Brat," he greeted, a smile tugging at one corner of his mouth; so, everything was fine as far as he was concerned. I internally breathed a sigh of relief.

"Shio-chan's already inside," Sanae told me. "We'll see you later."

"Just a minute, please," I said, stopping them. "I know this is going to sound weird, but…did you see anyone behind me when you saw me walking up just now?"

"No," she replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Just a feeling I've had for a while," I said. "It started shortly after I left home to come here…although I did feel it on the way to the train station from the hospital, too…"

"You're just paranoid," Pops decided.

"You're probably right," I chuckled. "Sorry to bother you with something so weird."

"Everyone gets anxious every once in a while," Sanae said as she patted my good shoulder. "You might be feeling self-conscious. Anyway, I believe Shio-chan and the pastor are waiting for you."

"Right," I replied with a quick bow before heading into the church.

"Down here, Tomoya-san!" I looked to find Ushio and the pastor down the usual hallway, both of them waving me down with smiles on their faces. In spite of my anxiety, I smiled as I followed them to the pastor's office.

We'd barely settled into our seats before pastor Ashton spoke: "There's something I'd like to get off my chest before we start," he said, then looked to me. "Tomoya-san? I'm very sorry if I hit a raw nerve last week. While it's my job to probe and help people deal with uncomfortable subjects, I truly didn't mean to needlessly hurt you and I apologize," he said, ending with a bow.

"Don't worry about it," I mumbled. "From what I've been told, I heard you all wrong and made assumptions. I'm sorry, too."

"No harm done," he said as he settled into his chair. "Does this mean that we can get started, then?"

"Sure," I grunted, still feeling a little self-conscious as I glanced over at my daughter.

"Ready!" she chirped as she gave me a big smile which lifted my spirits.

"So, I've gone over my notes from last time…" he said as he flipped through his notebook. "Shio-chan; where are you when it comes to your mother?"

She sighed as she thought about her answer. "I get that I didn't kill…Mom, but I still feel like I did," she finally answered.

"If it helps any, I've seen that quite a bit," he said with an understanding smile. "It's not unusual for one's head and heart to be out of alignment."

"What's that mean?" I asked.

"We can understand something as a fact, but our feelings insist on something otherwise," he tried to clarify.

"Yeah, I've felt that before," I said, pointing at him. "I can't think of any examples, but I think I get what you're talking about."

"Good, that makes things easier," he said, breathing a sigh of relief. "Shio-chan, I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that we need to do two things: One, we need to get your heart in line with your head; the heart is a great motivator but makes a lousy thinker."

"I think I understand," she giggled.

"Two, I think I we need to reset your relationship with your father. You've been working on becoming a wife to him for…how many years?"

"About four," she murmured with a blush.

"So you've been teaching yourself to think as his wife rather than his daughter; we need to work to change that back."

"Does…Does that mean I can't make meals for him anymore?" she asked, starting to tear up.

"It might mean that for a while," he said gently. "The problem is not so much what you're doing, but in what spirit you're doing it."

"I don't understand."

"Okay, for an example: When you make meals for him, it needs to come from the love a daughter has for her 'Daddy' rather than the love a wife has for her husband."

Her face scrunched up cutely as she thought. Finally, she said, "I think I understand."

"Good. Now, I'm not going to lie and say that this will be easy; it could be, but it might not. It depends, in part, on your self-awareness, maturity, and commitment to see this through."

"Okay…"

"Some of this should be taken care of by Step One; the realignment of the heart with the head."

"Is there some way I can help?" I asked, eager to be part of the solution.

He shifted his gaze to me. "Your job will be to be aware of when she's acting in a 'wifely' manner toward you and let her know she's doing it."

"That might be a challenge," I admitted. "Some of the stuff she does…I've just gotten used to it."

"Then you'll have to cultivate a self-awareness as well," he said gently, then leaned back in his chair. "I don't envy what the two of you will have to do over the next few months, but I believe that if you commit yourselves to this growth, you'll be father and daughter again before you know it." He leaned forward again, toward my daughter. "Shio-chan? Do you want to be his daughter or his wife?"

"H-His daughter," she shuddered, glancing at me repeatedly.

"And I assume you want your daughter back," he said, shifting his gaze to me again.

"Absolutely." Easy answer.

"So!" he exclaimed with a handclap. "You have both shown a commitment to change; now comes the hard part."

"What's that?" I asked.

He gave us both a sympathetic smile. "Doing it."

"Thanks, pastor," I said as the three of us stood on the stairs in front of the church's main doors. "I feel like we got a lot done today."

"That's because we did," he replied with a wink. "Just remember that this was the easy part; what's next will be more challenging."

"No, I got it," I said, then gave him a lopsided grin. "Thanks for the encouragement."

He laughed as he laid a hand on my shoulder. "I don't say stuff like that to be discouraging, Tomoya-san; just to keep you aware of the challenges ahead. For what it's worth, I believe the two of you can do it."

"Me, too," Ushio agreed. "I have faith in you, Daddy."

"Thanks, sweetie," I replied, her words warming my heart…I quickly double-checked that feeling and decided it was fine; for now, at least. "I believe in you, too."

"Keep up the good work, Tomoya-san," he said, clapping me on the shoulder and causing me to wonder if he somehow knew about my brief act of introspection.

"Oh, I'm so glad to see you two getting along!" We turned to see Sanae and Pops heading towards us. "After what I heard, I was a little worried!"

"It's all good now, Sanae-san," Pastor Ashton told her. "It was just your textbook misunderstanding, but that's all been cleared up." I felt a pause, and looked over to see him looking at me worriedly. "It has been cleared up, hasn't it?"

"As far as I'm concerned," I replied.

"Wonderful!"

"You ready to go, Ushio?" Pops asked.

"No!" she giggled as she grabbed onto my arm, setting off a bunch of alarms. "I want to talk to Daddy some more!"

"Thanks, sweetie," I said as I tried to shut down the alarms; the last thing I needed was to start panicking. "I need to get home, though; I have healing to do and a house to clean."

"I wish I could help you," she pouted, "but I understand."

"I see no reason why you couldn't come over for dinner sometime," Sanae suggested. "We would be right there, which should satisfy the court's requirements, yes?" she finished, looking to her husband.

"As far as I know, yeah," he grunted while pretending to stare daggers at me.

"I have no problem with it, of course," I said. "I'd just need enough advance notice so I can let Mika-san know so she doesn't try to come over."

I felt my arm squeezed a little more tightly, but nothing more.

"Well, let's go, Shio-chan," Sanae said gently. "Tomoya-san, you are more than welcome to walk us home."

I looked down at the girl snuggled against my arm and smiled. "Thanks, I think I'll do that."

"Looks like your kid wouldn't let you do anything else," Pops said with a lopsided grin.

"All right, let's go; I'd like to keep my one good arm," I joked before following my in-laws as they headed back toward home. "They're not making you work too hard, are they?" I asked Ushio as we followed her grandparents.

Her eyes widened, and then: "All…All the time!" she 'wailed' while trying to not smile. "Grandpa has me…scrubbing the floor of the shop from the time I get home until I go to bed!"

"I'm a regular scumbag, aren't I?" Pops quipped, causing Ushio and I to snicker.

"Now Akio-san; didn't I warn you about child-exploitation laws?" Sanae giggled as she patted his arm. "Maybe next time you'll listen to me."

"Yeah, yeah…" he grunted.

Fortunately for him, it didn't take us long to get to Furukawa Bakery and Ushio let go of my arm. "Have a good evening, Daddy," she said as she smiled up at me.

"You, too. Did you want me to call you after dinner?"

She sent her brown lengths waving with the shake of her head. "No, I think I'll be fine; I got to see you today, after all."

"All right, then. Have a good night." After kissing her on the forehead and waving at the in-laws, I turned and headed for home. As I walked, I thought about what Pastor Ashton had said about maintaining an awareness, and I wondered if I should have let her hold my arm the way she had. Thinking back, I remembered that she originally started doing that to practice 'being a wife', so I made a mental note to talk with her about it later.

I also started getting that nagging feeling that I was being followed…or at least watched. A quick glance around me showed no one around, which was relieving and unsettling at the same time. I finally made it to my house and managed to quickly unlock the front door and hurry inside to shut it behind me, and the feeling immediately went away. "Man, that's creepy," I said to my empty home.

A few minutes later, I was getting myself a glass of water when there was a knock at the door, and a glance at the clock gave me a pretty good idea who it would be. "Coming…" I quickly put the pitcher back in the fridge and headed over to the door.

"Good afternoon, Okazaki-sama," Mika greeted cheerfully when I opened the door.

"Good afternoon, Mika-san," I returned with a smile. "Good to see you again. Did you have a good lunch with your mom?"

"I did!" she chirped as we sat down at the kotatsu. "She was so surprised to see me!"

"That was the idea, wasn't it?"

"Yup! Between me and the lunch, I think we really made her day!"

"Well I think just having you there would have made her happy enough, but I'm glad the two of you had a good time."

"Thank you," she said shyly. "How did your treatment go?"

"Itchy," I said with a grin. At her puzzled expression I explained, "I've been progressing really well; it's just that the new tissue has been a little itchy and achy, more so than usual today. I asked the doctor about it, but he didn't seem worried." I rubbed at my shoulder. "Still itches and aches, though."

"Awww…" she giggled. "Would a high-protein meal help with that?"

"Doggone it," I grunted, snapping my fingers. "I forgot to ask about that. Again."

"Couldn't you just call them?" she suggested. "It's not too late, so you might be able to get hold of them."

"I hadn't thought of that," I admitted, scratching my head. "That's kind of embarrassing."

"Don't worry about it," she said, patting my arm. "Why don't you give them a call while I work on dinner?"

"Sounds good," I said. "Hopefully it's not too late."

"If it is, you can just leave a message with the nurse's station," she told me as she headed to the kitchen. "They can ask in the morning and get back to you. Mom has to do that all the time."

I nodded in acknowledgement as I picked up my phone and headed to my room; I didn't want to distract Mika while she was working. I didn't have the number in my phone, so I had to do an internet search for it. Once I found the number I gave it a call, and someone picked up right away. "Hikaritani Hospital; How may I help you?"

"Could I speak with Dr Fujibayashi in the Lab Department, please?"

"Please hold; I'll see if he's available."

In the end, I wasn't able to talk with Dr. Fujibayashi, but Dr. Mori was able to give me the information I needed. "Thanks, doc," I said. "I've been meaning to ask about this for weeks."

"Don't worry about it, Okazaki-san," he chuckled. "You have a lot on your plate right now."

"And it sounds like I'll have more," I joked. "Have a good day, doctor, and thanks again."

"You, too. Take care."

I ended the call, pocketing my phone as I headed down the hall back toward the living room, where Mika waited eagerly. "Well? Were you able to find out?"

"He said that protein would help with the muscles, but he also said that 'active enzymes' would be good for my tendons. He mentioned pineapple and papaya, but I can't remember the other names. Vitamin C is supposed to help, as well."

"I see," she said, nodding thoughtfully. "When I get home I'll talk to Mom about it; I might be able to find some information online, too." She briefly scanned the living room. "Do you have a computer?"

"No, but I should," I replied awkwardly. "Ushio asks every once in a while for one to help her with her homework, but it's…not in the budget right now."

"I see…" she repeated. "Well, at least I know to fill you up with protein and pineapple in the meantime! It shouldn't be too hard to add protein to your dinner, at least."

"I appreciate it, Mika-san; thanks for all your trouble."

"It's no trouble!" she said as she headed back into the kitchen. "Honestly, I enjoy the challenge."

I leaned back on my hand and looked out the window, only to find that I'd forgotten to open it again. I started to get up when the framed picture on a table next to the window caught my eye; it was a photo of Nagisa and I shortly after we got married. I smiled sadly at the good times we'd had, of the wedding and finding a place to live and finding out about the pregnancy and the pregnancy itself and…I bit my lip, straightening up to wipe the back of my hand across my eyes.

"Okazaki-sama? Are you okay?" I heard Mika approach from behind, but I couldn't face her with the mess I was turning into. "Are you crying?"

"Just…leave me alone, please," I said, still trying to avoid her gaze. "Just…give me a minute."

"Is…Is this your wife?" I heard her ask, and my eyes snapped up to see her reaching for the photo.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!" I yelled, scrambling to my feet to smack her hand away, inches from the portrait.

"I…I'm sorry!" she wailed as she backed away from me.

"Don't you ever touch that again, do you hear me?!" I yelled, barely aware of her shrinking form.

"P-Please…I-I'm sorry… I really didn't know…"

Something about her tone stopped me, and I realized how I was acting. "Oh god, Mika-san, I am so sorry…." I said as she pressed against the wall across from me, trembling. "I shouldn't have yelled at you like that."

I took a step toward her with my hand extended in apology, but she crossed her arms and turned her back to me. "I…I need to go home, now…" she said in a shuddering voice.

"I understand," I said in the gentlest tone I'd ever used. "Just…please know how sorry I am."

"Good night, Okazaki-sama…" she sobbed as she grabbed her coat and fled from my home.

Dinner tasted awful that night.